As You Like It

As You Like It

"Well, Mr. Malfoy," said Dumbledore as Draco sat down in front of him. "I have noticed you've been having some pent-up anger about the Head Boy decision." Draco didn't speak, but stared at the Headmaster bitterly. "Therefore, I have decided to put you in Art Therapy Class." Draco was about to object, but Dumbledore silenced him with a look. "I don't know what types of feelings are haunting you, Draco, but maybe you'll find out in this class."

Draco was enraged. "I have to refuse--"

"Your first appointment is tonight," finished Dumbledore. "In room 106. I've already hired a therapist, named Mrs. Theodore. Arrive at six."

"Don't I even get a say in this?!" cried Draco.

"Of course not," replied Dumbledore casually. "It's what I think is best. You are dismissed." His eye began twitching as Draco slowly backed away from him.

With a slight sneer, Draco stomped out of the room. He was completely enraged. How could Dumbledore do this?! And why was his eye twitching?? Draco couldn't call his father to save him; he was out of the country on "business." He mother wouldn't bail him out; she was tired of him causing trouble. Not even Snape would cross Dumbledore on this one. He could only dread his fate...Mrs. Theodore or whatever her name was. It was either that or be expelled.

As a result of his lengthy conversation with Dumbledore, Draco was late to the Greenhouse for class, and Professor Sprout yelled at before he was able to begin working. He tried explaining that Dumbledore had called him into his office to talk, but she didn't care and would have none of it. As punishment, he had to also stay afterwards and clean up the class's mess. Apparently, Granger had volunteered to stay after as well. Great...just what he needed, the filthy mudblood pestering him.

"Hello, Malfoy," she said. There was a pause as she waited for him to reply. He scoffed and continued his work. She went on, "I hope you haven't got any hard feelings about the Head Boy thing. At least you don't have to share a room with me."

"Thank God," muttered Draco. "I bet you and Harry are happy together..." He snickered.

"What are you implying?" asked Hermione.

"Nothing," Draco lied.

"I go out with Ron. I mean, hello!" She flung her hands out in front of her to make the point.

"Oh," said Draco. "Sorry."

"Sure you are," she said sarcastically.

Draco started to think about the last time he had been in a serious relationship...Cho Chang. This thought depressed him. Harry...he sneered. He even remembered the last conversation he had with her.

"I'm sorry, Draco," she'd said. "I just feel like Harry and I are better suited . You and I weren't meant for each other..."

The words echoed in his head. Suddenly he cried out, "We were! We were!"

He opened his eyes to see Hermione with a disgusted look on her face. "I was just joking!" she yelled. "That's horrible!"

Draco was confused. "What?"

"Don't play stupid. I wasn't serious when I asked if you and Harry were fooling around together!" She got her things and turned to leave. "I'd tell everyone, but you get a break, 'cause Harry is one of my best friends."

"What else did I say?" wondered Draco aloud.

"Well, when I mentioned Ginny's name you mouthed 'I loved her.' I don't know what's happened to you Draco."

"Let me explain!" he cried in agony.

"You really do need therapy," she commented, exiting.

"How did you know about that?" he asked dumbstruck.

"Head Girls and Boys know everything," she yelled back at him. Then she was gone with Malfoy staring at her.

Now he really wanted to be Head Boy. "I wanna know everything!" he screeched.

Professor Sprout peeked in the door. "No need to yell, dear! Don't we all?"

Draco looked down at the ground and muttered, "*Beep* you..."

"Oh," she continued. "Dumbledore confirmed your story. You can go now if you like, but I really do need some more help here--" but Professor Sprout wasn't paying attention as Draco picked up his things and walked up to her.

He looked her straight in the eye and said, "I hate you." Then he spit at her feet and ran for dear life. He didn't want to get in big trouble for what he just did.

When Draco finally reached the building, he paused for a breath. "Just my luck," murmured Draco as he walked to room 106 calmly now. "Now the whole school is going to think I'm gay." He hated Harry Potter and all of his friends. He hated that all the girls loved Harry, including Cho, he hated that Harry was so famous, he hated Dumbledore.

The door opened immediately as Draco approached room 106. "Welcome, Draco!" A tall rather large woman was standing by the door. "My name is Mrs. Theodore," she said sweetly.

Her robes were a hideous flower print and flowing. Her hair was blonde and Draco got the impression that brains went along with the color. Then he realized he was blonde...

"Come in." Her smile was too jovial and Draco scowled at her. "Well today we will do some basic art stuff so that when you are ready to draw your emotions we can start. There is a drawing pad and pencils on your desk over there along with some basic notes. I'd like you to draw me a shaded cylinder just like the example I've given you over there." She motioned to a desk in the middle of the classroom, and Draco sat down. "I'll be over at my desk. And remember this is no magic time, so work with the tools I have given you, not your wand," she said in a voice that many people would use to talk to a three-year-old with.

For an hour, Draco sat and drew nothing, but instead wallowed in his misery and self pity about his outburst in front of Hermione.

"Time's up!" proclaimed Mrs. Theodore. She strided over to see Draco's work. He quickly hid his the pad under his crossed arms. He wasn't about to show her a blank page. "Draco, may I please see your cylinder?"

"No!" yelled Draco.

"And why not?"

"Because," he said darkly, trying to come up with an excuse, "My soul is in this cylinder..."

"Well, I'd still like to--"

"NO ONE CAN SEE MY SOUL!" bellowed Draco.

"Please?" She slid Draco's arms off the paper and looked at it. "There's nothing on the page, Draco."

"It's all in the dark, like my soul."

"But it's not even dark...it's white."

"Don't talk about things you don't know about!" snapped Draco, still in a dark voice.

"Well, I am an art teacher as well as a therapist."

"Excuse me for putting my true feelings on this page, Mrs. Theodore...if that's even your real name, servant of the devil!"

She gasped and clutched her heart. "Oh my, we have a lot of work to do. Come back on Sunday, as tomorrow is the Hogsmeade trip, with the cylinder finished."

"It is finished," he spat.

"Make it so that I can see it. Did I make myself clear? Now, scoot! It is almost dinnertime."

Draco gathered his things. The only thing he had to look forward to was the trip tomorrow. Maybe he could buy something nice for Cho and try to patch things up between them...afterall, Harry and she didn't really like each other that much anymore, according to his sources.

***

The next morning Draco quietly got dressed and retrieved his cloak and money for the trip. After eating some toast, he left. The first store he thought to go into when he arrived was a place called Body Necessities. He supposed he could get Cho some nice perfume. As soon as he entered a sales lady approached him and opened the container on the stand in front of him. "You know what this is, don't you?" she asked.

Draco shook his head. He hoped it was some dangerous potion he could use to deform Neville's toad, Trevor. However...

"It's body powder. Look!" She put a thick layer on the back of her hand. "It's makes your hand all shimmery."

He would love for his skin to look all shimmery, but he didn't understand why it was a necessity. "That's nice," said Draco, trying to be polite.

"You think so?" She closely examined the back of her hand as he walked to the back of the store.. He stopped at a display of make-up and looked over the selection.

"You know what this is, don't you?" She pointed at the make-up.

"Yeah, eyeliner."

"But do you know what color it is?"

"Well, no--"

"It's plum! It brings out the color in your eyes! Look!" She took the tester and applyed it to her eyelid.

"Oh, that's...nice."

"Wouldn't you want to buy some?" she asked enthusiastically.

"Uh, well, I don't wear eyeliner. I'm a guy..."

"And your point is?"

He paused. "I guess I don't have one...Anyways..."

"What about this? This is eyeshadow. It's pink. I'd bet you look fabulous with it. Look!" She put a glop on her eyelid. When she opened her eyes, the glop splattered up onto her forehead. She took no notice. "Huh, how is it?"

"Oh, it's looks great..." said Draco.

"Oh! Wait, I have the perfect thing for you!" She pulled him anyway from the table and down another row of "necessities." "This is an oatmeal cleansing mask."

"Why would I want to put oats on my face?" he inquired.

"Why wouldn't you?" she said smearing it up and down her arm.

"Look--" started Draco, but she interrupted.

"OATS!" she yelled, holding the container up in the air as if she were worshipping it. "Oh, and we have so many blushes over here!" She applied various shades to her cheek.

"Do you have anything that really isn't make-up, but is still nice?"

"Of cousre. You can choose from our various scented body oils and lotions." Over the next twenty minutes, the woman had rolled both of her sleeves up all the way and covered herself with as many testers as possible. "So what do you think?" Before Draco could even reply, she said, "Next I'll show you the lipsticks."

Draco silently screamed. He had to come up with something to save himself. "So, I didn't catch your name," he said.

"Minnie."

"You know, when I came in you didn't even say, 'hi.' You're a horrible sales woman. By making small talk, I'm saving you from covering yourself with make-up...like dung on an ant. You look like a monster now."

Minnie's jaw dropped.

Draco continued. "Dung stinks. You're a make-up-maniac, like a kleptomaniac, but with make-up. Is that why you took this job?"

There was a moment of silence as she stared at Draco before she smacked him, smearing pink, purple, red and everything else on his face.

"Hey, Minnie!" someone yelled from the back of the store. "A new order just came in. Stock shelves one and two."

"Minnie turned back to Draco angrily. "I'll be back to deal with you in a second! Don't move a God damned muscle!" She pulled out her wand menacingly and stomped off.

In the background, Draco could hear her slamming things on shelves. Apparently she was levitating it all. While she wasn't looking, he snuck out of the store and down a dark alley. Eventually he emerged in front of the Three Broomsticks. He walked more confidently now. While Drcao was strolling, he was surprised to see a little girl run into him on accident. She seemed to be about seven. She spotted his Hogwarts robes.

"What house are you in?" she chirped.

As if to confuse the little girl he replied, "I'm in Gryfflepuffdor." He didn't know why he was confusing her, but it was fun.

She looked at him questioningly. "Is that a combination of Gryffindor and Hufflepuff?"

"No," he answered. "Slytherin and Care of Magical Creatures class."

"Oh," she said. "Hey, do you know Harry Potter?" she said happily.

"NO!" Draco yelled.

She was afraid and ran away. Draco cried.

***

As he was walking back to Hogwarts, Draco kept his head down and didn't notice as Hermione gawked at him.

"Draco!" she screeched. His head bolted up. "Were you trying on make-up?!" she said referring to the pink on his face that Minnie had put there.

"What?! What are you talking about?"

"Really, if you are going to become a transvestite, learn how to apply blush!" She hoisted her bag up higher on her shoulder and walked off.

"Wait!" screamed Draco. "I'M NOT A *beep* TRANSVESTITE!"

Everyone looked at him. Lavender, who was walking behind him with Parvarti, said in his ear, "Me thinks thou dost protest too much..."

"What does that mean?" She shrugged.

"It means you're gay, sweetie," said Parvarti.

"Don't ever call me honey!" he screeched.

"I said sweetie," she replied, confused.

"Yeah, well, by the way, me thinks thou dost know too much!"

Lavender looked puzzled. "What does that mean?"

"It means I study too much," said Parvarti. "Which makes no sense as I'm not Hermione..."

"Just shut up!"

He looked back down the street to see Hermione had met Ron. "Wait!" called Draco. "Let me explain!"

"I need no explanation," she called back as she walked away. "Come, Ron, honey!" Ron panted like a dog and ran after her.

***

At his next meeting with Mrs. Theodore, she used ink blot cards on Draco.

"What do you see in this? I think it looks like a butterfly."

"Harry being killed," he responded.

"What about this one? A pencil?"

"No, you're not supposed to give me suggestions, and it's Hermione killing Harry and Ron being impaled by Neville, then turning their weapons on themselves."

"And this one?"

It looked strangely like a skunk, but Draco replied, "The Weasleys burning to death...Harry with them."

"What about the next?"

"Dumbledore being murdered by my father for putting me in therapy."

"And what about this picture? It is the last."

"Ginny running around with her head on fire attacking Harry. Then he falls down and Voldemort stomps on his sorry *beep*."

"Really? How interesting!" She put the cards away. "Can I see your cylinder?"

"I have to do the finishing touches, hold on a second."

She nodded and got up. Draco didn't really look at the page as he began drawing and thinking to himself. I can't believe Hermione thinks I'm gay, he thought. He continued drawing. I hate Harry. Alas, now that I think about it, I must say, as a guy, Harry isn't lacking in the looks department. That must be why Cho left me for him! I hate Harry Potter! And now Granger is going to tell the whole school! I'm not gay! A gay guy would draw Harry laying provocatively on a bed with a sheet covering his special places.

Draco finished and handed his picture to Mrs. Theodore carelessly.

"Oh!" she exclaimed. "That might explain things..." She covered her mouth. "Is there something you want to tell me, Draco?" She handed the picture back to him.

Draco was horrfied to see what he had drawn. Subconsciously, he had sketched Harry laying provocatively on a bed with a sheet covering his special places. Draco screamed.

***

The next day Draco was still pondering whether he was as straight as he had previouly thought he was. As he went down to breakfast, he pondered many things. What would his father say if he was? Actually, it probably wouldn't matter so long as a mudblood wasn't involved. As he entered the Great Hall, he saw Pansy with a Witch Weekly. On the cover it read: "Are you gay? Take a test to find out!"

Draco snatched the paper out of her hands. It was his lucky day. He ran out and sat in the hallway, he began the test. He would finally know for sure what his problem was.

Question 1:

Do you fancy people of the same sex?

Draco answered quickly without thinking. "Yes! I like girls!"

The magazine had no idea he was not of the female gender and a magical pop-up appeared on the page. It read:

"Congratulations! You're gay!"

"What?!" roared Draco. He slammed down the paper. Then he heard voices coming down the hall. He hid behind a statue and saw Harry enter room 106. "Oh, shit!" he muttered. As he turned to leave, curiousity befell him. He tiptoed to the door to listen.

"Today, we will being using ink blot cards," said Mrs. Theodore. "What does this one look like to you?"

Hm, thought Draco, he doing the same stuff as me!

"Cedric Diggory being killed by Voldemort," said Harry.

"And this one?"

"Voldemort laughing at me."

"Ah-hah, and this?"

"Cedric Diggory's cold, dead, lifeless, unmoving corpse."

"Talk about depression," murmured Draco.

She flipped the next card. "Last one?"

"Draco Malfoy laying provocatively on a bed, not covering his special places."

Draco screamed.

***

YOU CHOOSE THE ENDING!

1) Draco runs back to his dorm and retakes the quiz and it says he's not gay, then he shows it to Hermione. She believes him.

2) Harry kills himself because he is so ashamed. Draco becomes Head Boy. He isn't gay, but the whole school still thinks he is. They make him prove it by kissing Winky the house elf.

3) Mrs. Theodore calls a special meeting at which both Harry and Draco attend. She explains that she has good news and bad news. They will no longer have therapy, but they both fancy each other. Draco protests, but she says, "Denial is the first step, Draco!"

4) Draco moves away and becomes the King of Camelot and never has to see Harry again.

5) Draco gets a pet penguin and Harry is jealous.

6) Draco gets transferred to Durmstrong and he and Harry are in love. Sad ending. Draco still has a pet penguin, but he leaves it with Harry to show how he will always love him.

7) Cho falls in love with Draco and Harry with Neville, but the penguin is all alone. They decide to send it to Antarctica with Ron and Hermione.

8) Draco gets a pair of magic sneakers and flies to the moon...with the penquin.

9) Hermione moves to Antarctica to build a colony of penguins. We don't find out what happens to Draco and Harry! Hah! Ron falls of cliff.

10) Ron forgets about gravity and falls of the face of the earth. He floats around in space. The penguin companies him in a space suit. He steals the magic sneakers and leaves the penguin, who organizes a evil raid of earth with some aliens.

11) Here's a more normal ending...not really...Draco, confident with his sexuality, goes back to Hogsmeade and robs Body Necessities of all their penguins products. The saleswoman challenges to a duel, but he flees. He gives the penguin stuff to Cho, and she falls back in love with him. Harry runs off to fight Voldemort and book seven begins...