At Any Moment

Albus V

Near dawn...

I've had enough of this tension, Arcanus. I'm sick of constantly trying to second-guess Riddle, and trying to work out how I feel about Minerva...and her past. I'm sick of every little thing I know I have to do to protect those who fight for our world's very survival.

Oh, to be have your strength of purpose, Arcanus! I wish I could some safe shelter to observe everything until all of this madness was over. But it won't be over, and I know I have my part to play. I just wish that I wasn't the person everyone expects to have a neatly packaged answer for whatever problem arises.

I just want to rest...

Minerva didn't come to me last night, didn't seek me out or stay a while to comfort me...comfort each other. I would have been interested just to know that her day had been all right, and that nothing untoward had happened. I still have no idea whether or not she's made her peace with the past, and forgiven herself the part she played in Lucius' character - whether she was willing...or not. I think that is the hardest reality for her to face in all of this mess called life. It's that she has to reconcile the results of the hand she was dealt, and the moves she herself made.

I want to see her excel, really I do, but when her son seeks to eliminate so many futures; including that of his own son, Draco, then I have to question the sanity of continually trying to find a chink in the armour of Lucius' diseased mind.

You were right, Arcanus. I was using Minerva in a way, but I thought if I protected her and ignored the past, she would find that a suitable panacea for her blinding guilt. I was wrong of course, but I did have her best interests at heart, I know I did. Perhaps it is also true that I had my own interests at heart, for I dislike being besieged by the constant maudlin recollection of 'ifs.' They suit no purpose other than to feed guilt, and they cause a frenzy of pain and suffering when no truly correct solution is ever possible.

It becomes a vicious circle of deceit and self-flagellation, neither of which appeal.

Ah, so you've decided to let me ramble on this time. No quick fixes this time, old friend?

I think I need a bath. It isn't the rest I so desperately crave, but it will at least allow me some private time. For some obscure reason; and no matter how desperate the times, no one ever seems to bother me when I go about my daily ablutions.

Just one day to myself would be a luxury I have not had for far too long.

I wonder if I could make a bath last the whole day?

After breakfast...

Minerva caught me mumbling at breakfast. Usually that's sufficient incentive for her to know that I'm trying to work something out and to leave me alone to my thoughts. But no, she had to keep badgering me, nagging me to tell her what was wrong, and she heard me say your name more than once, Arcanus.

So I snapped at her! Told her to mind her own business and stop being a bloody nuisance...and that sometimes not everything had to revolve around her. I didn't stop there. I went in for the kill by saying that I didn't appreciate her fussing about me like a mother hen searching for her lost chick.

For pity's sake I was cruel. I bludgeoned her with foul words of anger, when all I really wanted to do was take her in my arms and hold her close to me. I could not have hurt her more if I had slapped her in full view of the students and other staff.

She left me to my thoughts after that, and I left my wall in place for the rest of breakfast. Once or twice I did see her left hand lift slightly, as though she wanted to touch my arm gently, but was unsure of how I would react.

She didn't touch me, and I can hardly blame her for being wary, but it hurt all the more because I knew then just how much I'd hurt her soul...and I didn't mean to be so brutal.

You made me so very angry, Arcanus, and I took it out on the woman I've always wanted to be with...the one person I love unconditionally. Minerva has always been the person I can rely on to drag me out of one of my dark moods, and she never asks for any recompense if I inadvertently ignore her whilst some grand scheme pans out. She understood why I sent Harry to the Dursleys even though she was quite vocal in her distaste for the whole thing, and I in turn understood intimately why she wanted to look after Harry herself.

Early afternoon...

I didn't see Minerva at lunch today and the thought of listening to the loud chattering of the students set me ill at ease.

I am so tired of everything...of trying to counter Riddle's grand plans, and the more precise worry of when he plans to launch an attack. Minerva is teaching this afternoon, so I can't apologise to her until later this evening.

I need to beg her forgiveness...and we need to talk about so many issues that I'm not altogether sure where to start.