Harry Potter and Something or Other

Chapter Seven

Oh, the Burden is So Great

Author's Note: Well, Astrid here. I sold Fausta over eBay to support my leaf habit. Ah, Old Toby. Finest weed in the South Farthing. And oh my ... the colours ... and the flying monkeys ... AAAH AAAAH! MY EYES!!!!

Okay, just kidding. So, we've (yes, Fausta's still here. The bids actually only got up to around 15 cents, and I wasn't willing to part with her for that much. FIFTEEN CENT WHORE! FIFTEEN CENT WHORE!) noticed that a lot of people seem to be reading our story for the author's notes. Good for you. And now, just to spite you lousy bastards, we've decided to cut down on the author's notes and make the fic longer. Much longer. Painfully long, even. (In other words, we may get through an ACTUAL chapter ... instead of whatever the hell Chapter Six was.)

Before we get to the actual fic, however, we would like to address some rumours. Rumours that we started, but that doesn't mean they're not rumours. So bugger off. (Bugger off is more family-friendly than piss off, says Astrid.) Okay, rumours - we aren't writing femme-slash, despite what you may have heard. While it is true that Astrid seems to hit on every male version of Fausta that comes along (Prof. Snape, Luscious Lucius Malfoy), she obviously ends up with Fausta. I mean Ron! Ron! I meant Ron! Damnit. Well, there goes the surprise ending, Fausta. So much for the massive orgy. What are we going to do now?

Ha ha ha. You perverts. I bet you actually believed us too, didn't you? Probably not. You know us too well by now. Okay, so no femme-slash. Also, despite rumours rampant on the internet, Ron does not move to Gotham City, kill Robin and replace him as Batman's sidekick. Astrid may dream about him in tights, but that's about as close as you get.

Now, there are some other rumours that we would like to encourage. Yes, Harry will get sucked into Middle-earth where he will have a mad tryst with Frodo. And Legolas. And Gimli. And, yes, even Saruman. And then he will return to Hogwarts where no man will ever be able to satisfy him ever again. But Draco will try. (Blame Fausta for that one.)

Also, yes, Lucius Malfoy will have an affair with Astrid and leave Narcissa for her. They will get married and Astrid will be Draco's stepmother and will put his hair in curls and make him wear dresses. Which he'll enjoy. And go on to become Miss Magical UK 2002. But that comes later.

For now, enjoy Chapter Seven! :D

Chapter Seven

Oh, But the Burden is STILL So Great

"Fausta Weasley," Fausta murmured to herself, her quill swirling in little nauseating hearts with the initials 'FD + RW' next to a scratched out picture of Ron's head on a pike.

"... Fausta ... you're just doing this to scare me, right? It's working. I'm scared. So very, very scared," Draco whimpered as he watched Fausta add another layer of frills to the heart.

"You're interrupting my Ron time," Fausta growled and grabbed Draco by the collar of his shirt, "and right now I'm thinking about Ron in a speedo, so if you like all your fingers where they are, BUGGER OFF." With this she abruptly let him go and went back to her doodling.

"... Are you doing this to get my attention? You are, aren't you?" Draco asked somewhat slyly, giving her a suggestive look.

"I know where you sleep," Fausta snarled without looking up from her paper.

"You're hurting my feelings," Draco snivelled and turned quickly around, pulling the bear torso from his robes and looking at it woefully, "Mr Snuggles ... she doesn't like us anymore."

"I never liked Mr Snuggles," Fausta told Draco coolly, at which point Draco emitted a high-pitched squeal of agony and ran from the room.

"Bloody bugger sodding bastard DAMNIT ALL TO HELL!" Astrid's voice rose from a mutter to a scream of rage as she threw herself into her seat. No one else seemed to notice; they were quite used to Astrid's little 'episodes'.

"Hullo Astrid," Fausta said evenly, still not looking up from the sketch of her wedding dress.

"GRAARRNGFUUUUUUUUGGGGG!!!!" Astrid foamed and slammed her head down against the desk, obviously still a bit sore about losing her love potion.

"I'm quite well, thanks for asking," Fausta told her and began shading the dress black.

"I think I'm just going to leap on him and tear off all his clothing," Astrid said, head snapping up, a wild look in her eyes as she balled her hands resolutely into fists.

"Going for the subtle approach?" Fausta asked absently, her ink bottle was half empty thanks to her future wedding gown.

"And then I'll cover him in peanut butter," Astrid's eyes lit up, and she nodded vigorously.

"What is your fascination with peanut butter?" Fausta asked, turning up her nose a little. Naturally her tastes were slightly more refined.

"It's a long story. My first crush was Mr Peanut," Astrid shrugged a little, "monocles are so sexy."

"Oh, Astrid!" Fausta gushed, apparently moved by Astrid's profession, "I've fallen in love!"

"... oh?" Astrid asked, arcing a brow, already beginning to suspect what might be behind this phenomenon, "you and Draco finally get things sorted out? Going to have all sorts of nasty little bleach-blonde brats?"

"Ugh, not Draco," Fausta looked absolutely repulsed, "I can't stand a man that ... clingy."

"Professor Eichmann?" Astrid asked with a mildly disturbing grin.

"No ... although he is quite attractive," Fausta said consideringly.

"Oh, much better. Colour-blind red-headed gits for children. Stop peeing in the gene pool, Fausta," Astrid said very eloquently and shook her head.

"No, no, it's RON!" Fausta burst, hugging herself as if the name itself were too good to be true.

"... ... ..." Astrid just stared at Fausta for a very long time, the little ellipses almost audible, before,

"GRAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and with that she jumped on Fausta, knocking her to the ground and began slamming Fausta's head against the floor.

"AAAAH! YOU'LL RUIN THE SKETCH OF MY WEDDING DRESS!" Fausta screamed, trying desperately to reach for her wand. Astrid continued to scream like a walrus in heat and began throttling Fausta with renewed rage.

"I! WILL! KILL! YOU!" Astrid screamed as Fausta began turning an attractive shade of blue.

"You ... don't ... appreciate Ron ..." Fausta gasped, helplessly clawing at Astrid's face.

"SO?!" Astrid yelled right back, "HE'S MIIIIINE!" Astrid screamed just as Professor McGonagall walked into the class. She took one look at the two girls and turned right back around.

"Best go alert Madam Pomfrey," McGonagall mumbled to herself as she disappeared from the room, passing Draco as he re-entered the classroom. He stared at the two girls as they violently beat each other and glanced to a Slytherin student sitting near by.

"What's this about?" he asked over shrill screaming.

"Ron Weasley," the Slytherin told him woefully.

"... ... ... Come on Mr Snuggles, I packed a few of mum's dresses," and with that, Draco exited the room as well, clutching the only thing he could count on - the teddy carcass - to his chest.

"DIE BITCH!" Fausta screamed as she went for Astrid's eyes.

"YOU FIRST!" Astrid shrieked right back at her and popped Fausta one in the nose.

"Astrid, honey?" the cheerful voice came from the door and the class turned to see a rather odd looking couple standing at the door. The man was a slightly overweight fellow with a mass of straw blonde hair and a vacant grin. The woman was a very attractive sort, nearly all legs (but not literally :P) with red hair in loose curls to her knees. Both wore matching plaid jackets and the woman wore an attractive plaid skirt, while the man sported baggy plaid shorts. There was only one student these people could be related to.

"Hi mum!" Astrid chirped pleasantly as she resumed slamming Fausta's head into the classroom floor, "Hi dad!"

"Hullo angel! How are you?" Astrid's father asked pleasantly, wandering through the classroom towards his daughter.

"Awash with blood," Astrid waved her hands at her father and Fausta took this opportunity to throw Astrid off of her, and then took it upon herself to dive upon Astrid and start clawing at her face.

"That's nice," her father smiled, looking around the classroom with some interest.

"Astrid, dear, what have we told you about fighting?" her mother asked sternly as Fausta screamed bloody blue murder and continued to leave rather large gashes on Astrid's pale face.

"But mummy - " Astrid began in between Fausta's assaults.

"No buts, missy. You get up right this minute and apologize to this nice girl," she said as that 'nice girl' wrapped her hands around Astrid's throat.

"Sorry ... Fausta ..." Astrid chocked out before passing out. Fausta removed her hands from Astrid's throat and stood up, brushing a loose bang from her eyes. She heaved a sigh and nodded.

"That's b- " Fausta began, but didn't quite finish, as Astrid kicked both her legs out from under her and sent Fausta crashing into a desk, where she promptly (and actually) passed out.

"Done, mummy!" Astrid said pleasantly, wiping her hands off on her skirt, "welcome to Hogwarts!" she said and gave her mother a large hug as the Slytherins in the class cowered in her wake.

"Haven't got much of a caretaker here, have they?" her father remarked, glancing down at where Fausta lay in a pile of broken wood and bled.

"Where's Adora?" Astrid asked, obviously in regards to her younger sister ... yes, she has a younger sister. Named Adora. Astrid and Adora Ackerley. Oh, the horror.

"We left her tied to the mailbox out front back home," her mother told her agreeably.

"That's where she's happiest," Astrid smiled and directed her parents out of the classroom for a tour of Hogwarts.

* * * * *

Fausta sat in Potions class nursing all manner of cuts and bruises, and staring hatefully at the door as she waited for Astrid to arrive. The second Fausta saw the hint of blonde hair, her wand was out and she sent a rather nasty curse involving a person's spleen being somewhere it shouldn't be.

"AAAAAARGH!" Draco screamed as he writhed on the floor.

"Hmm. Damnit," Fausta muttered but made no move to cease Draco's suffering.

"AAAAAAARGH!!! MR SNUGGLES!!! HEEELP!!! MY SPLEEEEEEEN!" Draco's cries of agony filled the classroom. Snape arrived then, stepping over Draco and holding his temples. He walked up to the front of the class and opened his mouth to speak, but Draco's pained yelps continued to assault his senses and so he walked back over to the boy, black eyes boring into him.

"Mr Malfoy," Snape hissed, his voice deathly calm, "if you do not cease that infernal screaming, I will remove your tongue."

"AAAAAARGH! MY TONGUE!!!" Draco screamed and threw Mr Snuggles at Snape. The torso beaned Snape in the head, but reaped no reaction from the potions professor. He remained staring blankly at Draco, eye twitching slightly.

"Mr Snuggles! You saved me!" Draco said, forgetting his pain and clawing his way across the floor towards the bear torso, "I love you, Mr Snuggles! ... ew, you're all greasy now. You need a bath."

"Why did I become a teacher?" Snape muttered to himself as he wandered back towards the front of the class and glanced around quickly for Astrid. Finding her nowhere to be seen, he heaved a sigh of relief and turned towards the black board to write up the list of ingredients for that day's potion.

"THIEVING WHORE!" Fausta screamed as Astrid entered the room, her parents close behind, and Snape fell to the ground twitching.

"Hi Fausta!" Astrid waved pleasantly, "Madam Pomfrey does amazing work. You can hardly tell your nose was broken!"

"YOU WILL BE PURGED!" Fausta screeched, waving her hands madly in the air.

"That's attractive," Astrid told her as she took a seat next to Ron, who was glancing between the two girls with unadulterated fear in his eyes.

"I AM BEAUTIFUL!" Fausta continued to preach, shaking a fist at Astrid.

"Ron likes me better, right Ron?" Astrid purred to Ron, snuggling up close to him.

"Ron likes his spleen where it is," Ron said, glancing over to where Draco was currently stroking what was left of Mr Snuggles and mumbling to himself.

"I like your spleen too," Astrid told him, wiggling her eyebrows at him.

"I LIKE IT MORE!" Fausta told him madly, grabbing Ron's other arm and dragging him away from Astrid.

"Well it's mine," Ron said, not liking where this was going, "you can't have it. You know that, right?" he glanced between the two of them uneasily.

"I don't just want your spleen!" Astrid chorused, grabbing Ron's arm and trying to haul him back to her side of the classroom.

"You can't have any of my internal organs!" Ron yelped, at this point he would have been covering up his body to guard his precious innards if he could have.

"SHE WANTS TO SELL YOUR ORGANS ON THE BLACK MARKET!" Fausta insisted, hissing at Astrid as she clamped harder onto Ron.

"Only the non-essential ones!" Astrid shot back before looking to Ron and grinning prettily, "love is about giving."

"I WANT HIS ORGANS WHERE THEY ARE!" Fausta screamed.

"Fausta's winning," Ron said, glancing over at her before reconsidering what he'd said, "AH! NEVER MIND! TAKE MY KIDNEYS!"

"RON!" Fausta yelled, obviously deeply wounded by this, "she's manipulating you, Ron! Don't listen to her! SHE LOVES MR PEANUT!!"

"I thought that was just a cute pet name," Ron looked over at Astrid, obviously deeply wounded himself. Astrid stared at him, panic in her eyes.

"It was, Ron! I swear!" she paused to consider something for a moment, "you still have to get the monocle."

"You don't have to get a monocle for me, Ron!" Fausta told him, shaking him violently, "I won't make you accessorize!"

"I kind of like the monocle thing," Ron said slowly, glancing over at Astrid who actually blushed. And then hell froze over. And Snape twitched violently on the floor at this comment.

"Noooo! Ron, you WILL love me!" Fausta hissed venomously, eyes aflame, "I WILL have your heart!"

"I thought you didn't want my internal organs," Ron whimpered, edging over to Astrid ... which makes no sense at all, but that's Ron for you.

"... FAUSTA EATS BABIES!" Astrid yelled for no apparent reason, grabbing Ron from the momentarily stunned Fausta and running quickly from the classroom with him.

"I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND EAT YOUR SPLEEN!" Fausta shrieked, waving her wand violently in the air, "NO ONE DENIES FAUSTA DARCY!"

"Can you put my spleen back?" Draco asked as if reminded by the comment about Astrid's spleen, still cuddling Mr Snuggles.

"SILENCE, FOOLISH MORTAL!" Fausta yelled, "OR I SHALL TAKE THE BEAR'S SPLEEN AS WELL!"

"But Mr Snuggles' spleen is very important! He's only got so many organs!" Draco cried, clutching the bear to his chest.

"Isn't that sweet, our little Astrid has a boyfriend," Astrid's mother looked at her husband and smiled, "she's all grown up."

* * * * *

Author's Note: I know we said we were going to cut down on these, and we are, but this is too good to resist. Would you like to see Ron dressed as Mr Peanut? Even if you don't, check out Astrid's rendition of RON AS MR PEANUT!!!!!!!!!! (Even though the monocle is on the wrong side. Oh, the shame.)

http://hideouspenguinboy.tripod.com/mrpeanut.jpg

And if you like that, we managed to find something rather disturbing in the Weasley family photo album. Yes, this isn't Ron's first run-in with Mr Peanut. Check out Ron's Halloween costume when he was in first year. (Too bad this wasn't in the movie, eh?)

http://hideouspenguinboy.tripod.com/mrpeanut2.jpg

Doesn't he look pleased? Ron loves Mr Peanut! Everyone loves Mr Peanut! Okay, we'll stop with the Mr Peanut thing now.

* * * * *

The potions class emptied rather quickly with the ringing of the bell, and soon only Snape and Fausta remained. Both sat sullenly behind their desks, but while Snape's foul mood was slowly slipping away, Fausta's seemed to be a permanent fixture.

"I've been abandoned," Fausta sighed, a chocked sob rising in her throat.

"Yeah, me too," Snape nodded in agreement as he brought the now ever-present flask to his lips once again, "but ... thas okay ... yeah."

"You like Astrid better than me too, don't you Professor Snape?" Fausta said, bursting into tears.

"Oh, hey, no, don't cry," Snape shook his head, "no, hey ... no."

"Everyone hates me!" Fausta cried, burying her face in her hands.

"Thas okay. Everyone hates me and I do okay," Snape paused for a moment, his eyes floating to the ceiling, "you know, besides being all bitter and vengeful. But ... thas okay. I'm okay with that ... yeah." He took another swig.

"But I'm vibrant and full of life!" Fausta protested.

"No, hey, no. ... You're a bitch," Snape shook his head in protest and glanced at his flask as if considering, "but ... thas okay."

"Yes, well, that's not going to change," Fausta told him rather coldly.

"You know whas good?" Snape slurred, shaking the flask at Fausta.

"What?" Fausta asked warily.

"Inner tubes. Inner tubesare, so great," he nodded, "cos you can call it 'tubin'. ... Whatcha doin, man? ... I'm tubin'." Snape hiccoughed and giggled.

"... Professor Snape, what's in that flask?" Fausta asked, arcing a brow at the very drunk professor.

"... cough syrup. I've got a sore throat," Snape narrowed his eyes at her and started coughing vaguely.

"... me too," Fausta agreed, wandering over to Snape's desk.

"Oh, really? Okay, thas good, here," Snape said and offered her the flask. Fausta took it and sniffed at it, instantly repelled by the obvious high concentration of alcohol.

"What the hell is this?" Fausta asked, somewhat repulsed.

"I made it myself, yeah," Snape tapped his nose as he nodded at Fausta, "makesh everything better ... yeah."

"Worth a try," Fausta shrugged and guzzled a bit of the liquid. Immediately her eyes began to tear and she began coughing violently, shaking her head.

"Yeah, s'good, see?" Snape nodded cheerfully and grabbed the flask back from her.

"Woooow ... Professhor Shnape, you are ... shoooo attractive," Fausta nodded, already reeling. Professor Snape didn't screw around.

"That'sh what I've been trying to tell everybody!" Snape nodded heartily.

"I think I've had that before," Fausta nodded, "it makesh people pretty. Ron ishoooo pretty."

"Everybody likesh Ron better than me," Snape said, head falling to his desk as he began to sob.

"That'sh cosh Ron ishn't an ash-hole," Fausta nodded expertly.

"You wanna go tubin'?" Snape asked suddenly, "The lake ish good for ... tubin'."

"Yeah, okay, thas good," Fausta nodded and the two stumbled out of the classroom, leaning on each other for support.

* * * * *

"I like your inner tube, Professhor Shnape," Fausta nodded keenly, "where did you get it?"

"I made it, yeah," Snape told her as he rolled the massive rubber thing down the corridor, the few students left in the hallways screamed and plastered themselves up against the walls as he approached.

"Wow, you're ... shoooo talented," Fausta told him, looking rather impressed.

"I'm not just good at ... um ... making ... potions ... and ... more potions and stuff," Snape told her, sneering a little at the girl.

"Ashtrid shaysh you're good at ... lotsh of thingsh," Fausta said cryptically, narrowing her eyes a little.

"... like what?" Snape asked, too drunk to realize he would regret such a question.

Author's Note: We thought it important to let everyone know that it took us over fifteen minutes to get past that little hurdle. Yes, just what IS Snape good at? Since this is a family friendly story, we're just going to let you guys be the perverts and fill in the blanks. And now, on with the story ...

"She shays you're good at - oh! Hi Professhor Eichmann!" Fausta chirped happily, waving dazedly at him.

"... Fausta, are you alright," Eichmann asked suspiciously, arcing a brow.

"You know what, Eichmann? Screw you," Snape said, pointing a drunken finger at him, "I know when to quit, Felix. I can quit any time I want to. I just happen to like to unwind with a little tubin'. So you can just piss right off." Snape told him vehemently, glaring at him.

"... have fun with the squid, Severus," Eichmann smiled pleasantly before ushering Snape off.

"Me and the squid go way back!" he yelled after himself, "The squid's got more class than you'll ever have, Eichmann!" Snape paused a moment before throwing his arms around him in a hug, "I love you, man."

"... ... ... don't touch me," Eichmann said finally, stepping away from Snape, who nearly fell on the floor, but righted himself at the last moment.

"Felix, you are the only one who really understands me," Snape lamented, sniffling a little, "I just wish you weren't such an asshole." And with that he wandered off down the hallway with the inner tube, cursing at any students who passed him.

"Wow, he ishoooo drunk," Fausta shook her head and laughed, "that musht me shoooo embarrasshing." Still shaking her head she fell drunkenly into Eichmann's arms.

"..." Eichmann glanced quickly to either side, and finding himself quite alone, started off with Fausta towards the faculty lounge.

"Where are we going?" Fausta asked absently, looking around until her eyes fell on Eichmann and she gasped, "Ron! Where did you come from? You finally got away from Ashtrid! Oh my god, I love you!" Fausta said and flung herself upon the Professor and laid a passionate kiss on him. Professor Eichmann, however, did nothing to correct the situation (PEEEERVEEEERT!) and simply kissed Fausta back, his hands in places we shouldn't really be talking about, cos it's a teacher-student relationship, and that's just gross.

Author's Note: Yes, Fausta kissed a teacher before Astrid did. Oh, the delicious, delicious irony. - Shut up, Fausta. Let's just see who gets some hot Professor lovin' first!!!! (Astrid is now more resolute than ever to nail Snape. Blame Fausta for the increase in lewd Snape moments.)

"GET YOUR PAWS OFF HER, YOU DAMN DIRTY MAN!" Astrid screamed and lunged at the dirty old Professor. Eichmann immediately released Fausta and backed away with his hands in the air.

"SHE kissed ME," Eichmann told her adamantly, shaking his head as Astrid glared at him viciously.

"Silence, dirty old man!" Astrid yelled, "I trust not your deceitful tongue, since it has been down Fausta's throat!" Astrid looked thoroughly disgusted.

"You could TELL?" Eichmann demanded, wide-eyed (as Fausta shrieks and writhes on the floor in pain ... yes, this is all Astrid-inflicted. Muahaha. That's what you get for making jokes about Eichmann and Fausta getting together! AH HA HA HA!!!!).

"Ron! Kick the dirty old man for me! I don't want to sully myself," Astrid said distastefully, ignoring Eichmann. After waiting a few moments she glanced back down the hallway, "Ron?"

"Astrid! Astrid, come here!" someone whispered from a nearby broom closet. Eichmann would have exchanged strange looks with Fausta if she weren't currently winking suggestively at him.

"Ron, get out here right now," Astrid yelled back at him, crossing her arms over her chest, "we haven't got time for that right now."

"No, Astrid, I ... " Ron stopped and mumbled something quietly.

"What was that, Ron?" Astrid asked, looking thoroughly annoyed.

"I SAID I CAN'T FIND MY BLOODY PANTS!" Ron yelled out into the hallway before seeing Professor Eichmann and Fausta and turning a nice shade of red.

"You don't need them," Astrid said pleasantly, motioning for him to come out.

"ASTRID!" Ron yelled and slammed the closet door behind him as he resumed the hunt for his pants. Astrid turned to Eichmann with a grin and produced a pair of grey slacks from her robes, and waved them about with a grin.

"He's so cute," she told Eichmann before remembering what had just transpired, "this is unacceptable, Professor McBusyHands." She shook the pants at him to illustrate her point.

"... Aren't you the girl trying to nail Severus?" Eichmann asked, arcing a brow.

"What of it?" Astrid asked, mirroring his curious expression.

"... He's a Professor as well, you know," Eichmann said, smacking Fausta's hand away as she tried to unbutton his shirt.

"Yes, well, you will note that I have not, as of yet, actually succeeding in nailing my Professor of choice. As such, you are a dirty old man, you dirty old man," Astrid told him, glaring at the Professor.

"... You've got your boyfriend's pants," Eichmann said, trying to find the logic in Astrid accusing him of being perverse. Which was his big mistake - trying to figure out Astrid's logic is a HUGE mistake. It's like trying to determine the nature of the Universe. Or why Mr Peanut is just so damned sexy.

"You can't have Ron's pants, you dirty old man!" Astrid told him, clutching possessively at the pants.

"I'm just going to go back into my closet and pretend I didn't hear that," Ron said with a nod and did just that.

"Ron jusht came out of the closhet," Fausta giggled, apparently the effects of the love potion were now wearing off in the face of Snape's more powerful booze.

"I think I'll just be off now," Eichmann nodded and turned to start off down the hallway.

"I'LL BE WATCHING YOU, PERVERT!" Astrid screamed after him, shaking the pants at him once again before glancing to Fausta, "Come on, Fausta. Let's get you cleaned up. We're going to need a lot of mouth wash." With that, they made their way to the Slytherin common room.

"... Astrid? Astrid, are you there? ... can I have my pants back, please? ... Astrid?"

* * * * *

"TUUUUUBIIIIIIN'!" could be heard from the lake even in the Slytherin common room, where Fausta lay sprawled out on a couch, a puddle of drool forming on the pillow next to her.

"What have you DONE to her?" Draco screamed at Astrid as he leapt to Fausta's side, and began shaking her violently, "Fausta! Fausta, speak to me!"

"I just saved Fausta from lecherous Professor O'TonsilHockey," Astrid told him haughtily, never short of obscene nicknames, it seemed.

"Professor O'TonsilHockey? Is he new?" Draco asked curiously, leaving Fausta alone for a few moments while he searched for Mr Snuggles within his robes.

"No, you twit," Astrid sighed with exasperation, "Professor Eichmann!"

"GASP!" Draco exclaimed, "I KNEW he was trouble! He's bewitched my poor Fausta!" He pulled Mr Snuggles from his robe and set him on Fausta.

"No, that was me," Astrid corrected him with a sigh, "you're really not very good at this."

"You bewitched Fausta to fall in love with Professor Eichmann, whom you then saved her from?" Draco asked, not quite comprehending.

"Nothing that silly. I brewed a love potion to give to my Severus, but Fausta drank it instead and the first thing she saw was my poor Ronny. Then, somehow or another, she got herself sloshed and ran into Professor Eichmann, whom I guess looks a bit like Ron if you do this," Astrid screwed up her face and squinted her eyes, "anyway, she threw herself at that dirty old man, and he took FULL advantage of the situation. And I mean FULL. His hands were - " Draco quickly cut her off.

"STOP!!" he screamed, covering his ears with his hands, "I get it ... and Professor Eichmann - " This time Astrid cut HIM off.

"Professor Von HappyPickle," Astrid reminded him with a nod.

"Right, Professor Von - WHAT?!" Draco demanded, suddenly catching on to what Astrid was saying, his blue eyes widening significantly.

"Happy Pickle," Astrid nodded, wiggling her eyebrows a little.

"OH GOD!" Draco yelled, covering his eyes now, "OH ... GOD!"

"So, you see, I did her a tremendous service, really," Astrid nodded once again, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I'm going ... to kill him ... I'm going to peel of his skin and make a dress out of it ... I'm going to tear out his eyes and make earrings," Draco mumbled to himself, eye twitching wildly.

"Woah, Draco, that sounds a bit ... froofy to me," Astrid told him and wiggled her hand back and forth, "you might want to make some more manly garments out of his vital organs."

"... I'm going to use this rage to kill Eichmann," he told himself and started out of the Slytherin common room, shaking violently.

"Draco, wait!" Astrid called after him, looking concerned all of the sudden.

"You can't stop me, Ackerley. I'm going to flay him," Draco hissed.

"Oh, no, it's not that. If you see Ron, can you give these to him?" Astrid asked and tossed Ron's pants at Draco. Draco screamed and tore off out the room, leaving a significantly annoyed Astrid behind.

"Honestly," she sighed and moved to retrieve the pants.

* * * * *

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!" the entire Slytherin house was awake as the screams of fellow housemate Fausta Darcy awoke them at four in the morning.

Morning Fausta!" Astrid said cheerfully, apparently she had been expecting this sort of reaction, "I hope you slept well."

"AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!" Fausta continued, absolutely shocked and appalled by what she remembered of last night, "I ... I didn't ... he ... he DIDN'T!"

"You didn't stick your tongue down Eichmann's throat? I'm afraid you did," Astrid nodded solemnly, "look on the bright side, though. It was a mutual thing."

"..." Fausta grabbed for her wand, which Astrid had thoughtfully hidden somewhere out of Fausta's reach, and so Fausta took to trying to gnaw her way through her wrists instead.

"Oh, Fausta, it's not THAT bad," Astrid sighed, wand at the ready, which she flicked quickly and Fausta's hands were soon behind her back, "you THOUGHT you were kissing Ron."

"..." Fausta stared at Astrid, eye twitching, as tended to happen around Astrid, it seemed.

"You were drunk for that bit, at least," Astrid nodded, "the wedding dress you can't blame on that, though." She produced one of Fausta's scrolls and began pointing at all of Fausta's doodles.

"... you will know pain as you have never before imagined," Fausta told her in a slow, even tone, eyes aflame, and she would have been throttling Astrid if not for the spell preventing her from moving.

"Look, I didn't try to kiss you," Astrid shook her head and rolled her eyes, "and if it weren't for me, you'd be waking up in Professor Eichmann's quarters right now."

"..." Fausta continued to stare at her.

"I should probably stop bringing that up sometime soon," Astrid nodded to herself, before giggling, "his hands were on your ass."

"... do you have a quill?" Fausta asked curiously, smiling vacantly at Astrid.

"Nothing sharp for you, missy. Don't want you gouging out those pretty black eyes," Astrid chirped helpfully, "I'm on suicide watch from now on!"

"... may I have a piece of paper?" Fausta tried again, as pleasantly as she could manage.

"Paper cuts," Astrid shook her head firmly.

"A stapler?"

"No."

"A hole puncher?"

"No."

"An eraser?"

"No."

"Why not an eraser?!" Fausta demanded violently, thrashing about on the couch.

"You could choke on it," Astrid nodded expertly, "you're lucky I let you keep those robes; you might strangle yourself. But I figured walking about in the buff was the last thing you needed right now."

"... you're a saint." Fausta stated flatly.

"So, d'you want to go disembowel Eichmann? Draco wandered off to find him a little while ago, but I expect he got distracted by something shiny," Astrid told Fausta cheerfully.

"... if I give you a quarter, will you suffocate me with a pillow?" Fausta asked, eyes wide with curiosity.

"A quarter?" Astrid asked with interest," No! No, sorry, no." she shook her head quickly, though she still sounded quite interested in the quarter, "Nope, can't let you die yet."

"Why not?" Fausta asked bitterly.

"We're only seven chapters in," Astrid nodded knowledgeably and with that, began dragging Fausta off to find Eichmann.

* * * * *

"Astrid ... it's four in the morning," Fausta grumbled, suddenly feeling very tired and very hung-over.

"All the better to catch him unaware," Astrid nodded as she guided Fausta expertly towards the teacher's wing.

"It hasn't occurred to you that I might not want to see Eichmann right now?" Fausta asked Astrid, mildly annoyed at her presumption.

"... no." Astrid told her quite honestly and shrugged.

"... oh." Fausta said, the truth was that she DID want to remove Eichmann's spleen at that moment, so she really couldn't argue with Astrid's logic, "... you know your way here quite well."

"... no I don't." Astrid said, laughing somewhat nervously.

"Wait, isn't that Snape's room?" Fausta asked, pointing at a random room.

"No," Astrid sighed, "it's THAT one." She pointed to a room down the hallway. Fausta smirked at her. "Alright, you've made your point."

"So, which one is Eichmann's room?" Fausta asked, glancing to Astrid.

"It's right there," Astrid nodded, pointing to another room before quickly adding, "I think ... yeah ... " her eyes darted from one side to the either.

"Oh, for the love of ... " Fausta sighed and shook her head.

"I don't watch ALL the teachers," Astrid told her huffily, "just the ones who look nice in boxer sh-"

"OKAY! YEAH! DON'T NEED TO HEAR THIS!" Fausta yelled quickly before deciding to change the subject, "what are we going to do, anyway?" she asked suddenly, quite curious as to what Astrid had in mind.

"... well ... okay, first, we could knock on his door and when he answers it, we could shove a sack on his head and then beat him! Or, okay, we could knock on his door and when he answers we could shove a sack on his head and then drag him out to the lake and throw him in! Or, hey, wait, we could knock on his door, and when he answers we can shove a sack on his head and then we could make someone embarrassing touch HIS ass, like Draco or something," Astrid giggled and nodded.

"... Astrid, d'you even have a sack?" Fausta asked, wondering why she even bothered.

"... okay, okay, what we do is - "

"I have never met anyone more stupid than you," Fausta told her.

"I'M NUMBER ONE!" Astrid cheered, throwing her hands up in victory, "VICTOLY!"

"... let's just gut Eichmann so I can go back to trying to kill myself," Fausta nodded.

The two girls approached the door and Astrid pounded it, the minute it opened, she pounced on

Eichmann and began punching him in the kidneys.

"... hullo Astrid," he glanced down at the girl beating on his abdomen and arced a brow.

"WHY! WON'T! YOU! DIE!" Astrid yelled and continued the half-assed attack on Eichmann.

"Professor Eichmann, I think we need to talk," Fausta said, ignoring Astrid as she began gnawing on the Professor's kneecaps.

"We certainly do, Fausta, I think you may have misinterpreted what happened last night," he told her seriously, getting to his feet once again. Astrid hopped to her feet as well and began half-heartedly kicking him in the shins.

"TASTE MY FURY!" Astrid screamed and began poking him mercilessly in the stomach.

"Astrid ... Astrid, stop that ... Astrid ... STOP THAT!" Fausta smacked Astrid upside the head before stepping inside the room to have a word with Eichmann.

"DON'T STEP INTO HIS DEN OF FORBIDDEN PLEASURES!" Astrid screamed as Fausta slammed the door in her face. Snape popped out of his room at this opportune moment to stare at Astrid for a moment, eye twitching of course, and then disappear inside his room again to lock the door.

"... Severus! Wait!" Astrid chimed and skipped off towards his door.

* * * * *

"So, tell me how I may have misinterpreted your actions," Fausta said coolly, giving Eichmann an expectant glance.

"Well, you see, I noticed you were chocking, and so I immediately administered ... um ... no, alright, I accidentally tripped and your lips cushioned my ... er ... alright, you just seemed so attracted to me that I didn't want to rebuff your advances and hurt your ... oh, fuck it," Eichmann finally settled on that and winced a little at the look Fausta was giving him.

"Yes, well, I suppose it couldn't be helped," Fausta nodded, crossing her arms over her chest, "I AM aware of how alluring I am."

"... right ... right, yes," Eichmann agreed, eyes darting to either side.

"However, should you not want this to reach the Headmaster, there are a few things I require," Fausta told him, only now glancing around his room, which was decked in orange and periwinkle, "first of all, burn those robes."

"... burn my robes?" he asked, sounding a little hurt.

"Yes. Burn them. Burn everything in this hideous, hideous room," Fausta told him, "Next, I require instruction in some of the more frowned upon curses. And lastly, I require a vacation. If I am forced to remain in this school any longer, I am quite sure I shall rot."

"Excellent, I've got just the place!" Eichmann sounded a little too pleased with the prospect.

"Draco will be coming along as well," Fausta said quickly, "so watch your hands. Also, Astrid and Ron will be coming along. Not because I want them too, but because I won't be able to get rid of them."

"Fair enough," Eichmann shrugged, glancing towards the door, "I'll make the arrangements today and inform you once they've been finalized."

"That will be all," Fausta told him and turned around, opening the door and stepping out into the hallway to find Astrid and Draco viciously smacking each other and screaming.

"IT'S MY QUARTER! I FOUND IT FIRST!" Draco yelled, giving Astrid a good bop upside the head.

"FINE! I'LL JUST HAVE MR SNUGGLES THEN!" Astrid said and dived for the teddy torso. Draco screamed and grabbed at Mr Snuggles, forgetting about the quarter long enough for Astrid to snatch it up.

"Ha! I TOLD you it was mine," Astrid stuck her tongue out at Draco and started back towards the Slytherin common room.

"I DIDN'T WANT IT ANYWAY!" Draco yelled after her and promptly began crying.

"... definitely going to be killing myself," Fausta nodded and gave Draco a nice kick to the head as she passed ...

* * * * *

"Look at my fabulous quarter!" Astrid chanted at breakfast the next day, as she had been for the past half hour, "it's my quarter! Isn't it wonderfully shiny?"

"I hate you," Draco told her sullenly, eyeing the quarter jealously.

"I hate you both," Fausta assured them, wondering why she still sat with these two.

"I love my quarter," Astrid added, holding the quarter high above her head.

"Draco, get another quarter," Fausta said with exasperation as he began clawing at Astrid in an attempt to get the quarter.

Author's Note: "Wait ... shouldn't they have wizard money?" "Meh."

"I bet this is the shiniest quarter I've ever seen!" Astrid said, holding it above Draco's head and sticking her tongue out at him.

"Stop baiting him!" Fausta yelled, glaring at Astrid.

"I'll give you my broomstick for it!" Draco said, eyes wide as he stared at the quarter.

"DRACO!" Fausta yelled, staring at him, eyes wide with disbelief.

"Hmmm ... this quarter is just so shiny ... " Astrid said, shaking her head.

"I'll give you Crabbe and Goyle!" Draco said, practically foaming.

"Hey!" the up-until-now silent Crabbe and Goyle chimed, looking hurt.

"I don't know ... " Astrid shook her head, obviously she was fishing for something.

"Oh, what do you WANT, Astrid?" Fausta demanded, hoping to end this as quickly as possible.

"I want you to kiss Harry," Astrid told him, grinning wildly.

Author's Note: Wow. That was random.

"... Draco, I think you'd better do what she says," Fausta nodded vigorously, eyes quite wide.

"WHAT?!" Draco demanded, staring wide-eyed at the pair of them.

"I'll give you a present," Fausta said quickly, nodding vigorously, "you can come by my ROOM and pick it UP later."

"Okay," Draco nodded and wandered off, presumably to go find Harry.

Author's Note: Harry gets brought back into the story in the most disturbing manner possible. NOW WILL YOU STOP ASKING FOR HIM?!

"So, how much are you charging for him?" Astrid asked, looking at her quarter consideringly.

"What?" Fausta arced a brow, not quite comprehending.

"You ARE his pimp?" Astrid asked, entirely seriously.

* * * * *

"GREAT BLOODY FUCK IN THE MORNING!" Harry screamed and appeared in the main hall, looking absolutely scandalised, "I'VE BEEN VIOLATED!"

"I can't believe I didn't get to see that," Fausta said, hanging her head in sorrow.

"Amen," Astrid nodded, grinning like the raging pervert she is.

"When can I come over? Can I come over now? Can you go to your room now?" Draco asked as he reappeared at the table, a bright shade of scarlet.

"God yes," Fausta said, grabbing him by the front of the robes and dragging him off towards the Slytherin common room, though odds were they wouldn't make it that far.

"Ah, young love," Astrid chirped, her work done, "well, there's my good deed for the month done. Ron? Ron, com'ere boy!" she wandered off towards the Gryffindor table in search of poor Ron.

"Somebody kill me ... for the love of all that is holy, someone put me out of my bloody misery," Harry said, stumbling around the room, tripping over benches, bowling over students, causing general havoc.

"There's the little Romeo now," Astrid chirped from her place at the Gryffindor table.

"Oh, bloody hell," Ron stared at Astrid, "not him too!"

"No, no Ron. Harry and DRACO," Astrid nodded before she was on the floor, twitching and gasping for air.

"Harry," Ron sighed, shaking his head, "I mean, honestly. You can't do that now after having ignored her behaviour for weeks. It just isn't right."

"RIGHT?! RIGHT?! SHE STOLE YOUR PANTS!" Harry screamed and the entire hall turned to look at the pair of them.

"I told you that in confidence," Ron muttered through his teeth, a bright shade of red.

"Uh, hi," a Hufflepuff (naturally) said, standing up, "yeah, my friends and I all saw you running down the hallway with no pants. Yeah." He paused before moving to sit down again, "Oh, by the way, cool Batman underoos."

"SILENCE!" Ron screamed, turning an even brighter shade of red.

"Batman is sexy," Astrid croaked from the floor.

"THE DEVIL! YOU ARE THE DEVIL!" Harry screamed, pointing at her from across the room, "A PIG-TAILED DEMON RESIDES IN THAT SHELL! THE RECKONING IS COMING!" he continued before breaking off into hysterical laughter and falling to the ground twitching himself.

"Astrid, you broke him," Ron pouted a little, looking over at Harry, "I liked him."

"We'll get you a new one," Astrid nodded, getting up as if nothing had happened, the spell abated.

"Okay," Ron said as he and Astrid wandered off towards the Gryffindor common room, presumably to do whatever Draco and Fausta were doing. COUGH COUGH!

* * * * *

"Well ... " Fausta glanced awkwardly at Draco as they waited for the train Professor Eichmann had arranged for them that day. The two hadn't said much since ... THE INCIDENT.

Draco looked away and blushed.

"That was ... " Fausta attempted again, her mind still reeling from ... THE INCIDENT.

Draco looked away and blushed.

"You were ... " Fausta tried once more, trying to find the words to describe ... THE INCIDENT.

Draco looked away and blushed.

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF ... LOOK AT ME!" Fausta finally screamed and Draco turned back to her and stared fixedly at her ... "Oh god." Fausta mumbled, looking away and blushing. Draco giggled.

"Let me finish those sentences for you," Astrid said helpfully, appearing as if from the fiery gates of Hell, except with less fire and Hell, "Well ... was that it? That was ... pitiful. You were ... disappointing."

"Your accuracy astounds me," Astrid said, affecting her voice to sound like Fausta.

"Have a 'little' trouble, Draco?" Astrid asked, nudging him with her elbow.

"Just a 'tiny bit'," Astrid responded, now affecting her voice to sound like Draco. She sat there giggling as Ron blushed furiously behind her and Fausta and Draco stared venomously at her.

Author's Note: Uh ... we probably should have warned you BEFORE hand of the now R rating. Yeah, guess you figured that out. Thanks.

"Onto the train we go, hurry, hurry," Eichmann said, appearing himself, as if from the fiery gates of Hell, but with actual fire this time.

"Professor Eichmann ... you're on fire," Draco said dumbly, staring at the professor.

"Now, Draco, I heard about your little tryst with Harry, but I don't swing that way," Eichmann tried to let the boy down easily.

"No, no, you're smoking," Draco said, shaking his head.

"Draco, I'm flattered, really I am. But it just can't happen," Eichmann told him, trying to usher Astrid and Ron into the train compartment.

"Professor Eichmann, you are being engulfed in flames," Draco said finally, glaring at the older man.

"... is that some kind of come on?" Eichmann asked, arcing a brow at Draco.

"Get on the train yourself, you dirty old man," Astrid told him - just saying what everyone was thinking - and poking him in the ribs.

"Professor Eichmann ... why are you on fire?" Fausta asked as the small group finally got onto the train.

"As per your instructions ... " Eichmann said, trailing off a little.

"You could have ... taken the robe off first ... " Fausta told him, wondering how she was ever seduced by this git.

"... riiight ... be back in a moment!" Eichmann said, running off back towards Hogwarts ...

* * * * *

"Where are we going?" Astrid asked curiously, face pressed up against the window, "I have classes. We'll be back in fifteen minutes, right?"

"Since when did you care about classes?" Fausta asked, casting a sidelong glance in her direction.

"... where are we going? I have classes." Astrid repeated, "and a quarter." She stuck her tongue out at Draco.

"I don't need your quarter, I had s-" Draco began before Fausta quickly cut him off.

"DRACO! Just because Astrid chooses to divulge every detail of her -" Fausta found herself cut off.

"EVERY detail?" Ron asked, looking rather worried, glancing between the two girls, "even that time we-"

"I don't need to hear it again. EVERY detail." Fausta assured him, "That doesn't mean that we have to be similarly ... indiscreet."

"... oh ... um ... " Draco looked a little ill.

"... how many people did you tell?" Fausta asked, letting her face fall into her palm.

"Just a few ... friends ... " Draco said evasively.

"But you don't have any friends Draco!" Astrid pointed out, face still pressed to the glass.

"I put an announcement up on the Slytherin bulletin board. I didn't think you'd mind," Draco whimpered, "None of the boys would sit next to me after the Potter debacle. People were starting to think I was a poof."

"I seem to recall someone talking about making a dress from Eichmann's skin," Astrid reminded him, once again wiggling her hand and looking at him suggestively.

"What? My skin?" Eichmann asked, suddenly perking up.

"Right ... I forgot about that ... " Draco stared viciously at the duelling professor.

"Anyone want refreshments?" Eichmann asked, jumping to his feet, "should be there soon! Best go check with the conductor!" with that he took off out of the compartment, leaving the students to their own devices.

"A DRESS, Draco?" Fausta said, arcing a brow at him, beginning to wonder if the others were right ...

* * * * *

The train arrived a few hours later. Shut up. This chapter is too long. Many things happened on the train, and they soon arrived.

"Wow! What an amazing train ride!" Astrid exclaimed.

"Yes! I don't think I've ever heard of anything so riveting in my life," Ron agreed.

"I'm sure if anyone read about our train ride, they too would be amazed!" Fausta told them.

"I am forever changed," Draco nodded his agreement.

"Anyway, off we go," Eichmann said, ushering them off towards a muggle taxi. The taxi ride was similarly amazing. They then arrived at a bingo hall, where Eichmann ushered the group out, and they made their way into the smoky depths.

"A bingo hall?" Fausta asked, unimpressed.

"Just you wait," Eichmann said with an entirely obvious giggle.

"BINGO! YAAAY!" Astrid cheered, running up towards the front of the room where a man in a white mask stood overseeing the little event.

"I'd like to welcome you all," he began, looking out over the crowd of white masks, "to this week's meeting of Death Eater's Anonymous."

"No bingo?" Astrid asked with disappointment, before the ominous statement struck her ... DUN DUN DUN!!!!