Trading Spaces

Trading Spaces
Chapter 1: Mash Potato and Bacon Flavored Ice Cream

Harold Gwydion Flynn Maynard Potter the third, or more simply, Harry Potter, was sleeping soundly at the Dursley home. That is, if soundly was your definition of screaming, pounding, and crying. Dudley, the spawn of the underworld, from what Harry could hear, had a horrible tummy ache and needed some ice cream to help him feel better. Does that make any sense?

Suddenly, Harry's door opened, and Uncle Vernon was screaming in his ear with spit flying everywhere, "Harry! Get your lazy self up at once!"

"Say it, don't spray it," he muttered under his breath and he reached for his glasses.

"What did you say, boy?"

"Uh, yes, sir!" He assumed that Uncle Vernon's hard hearing was a result of listening to his whine bag son's temper tantrum's every day. Harry, almost sixteen, had hoped that Dudley's behavior would improve the older he got, but much to Harry's regret, it was only worse.

"Hurry up! You need to go get Dudley some ice cream! Mash potato and bacon to be exact!"

Harry blinked at the bizarre request.

"What?" Where in the world was he going to find mash potato and bacon flavored ice cream?

"You heard me! The boy needs real food, and not that tofu garage that Petunia forces down his throat! You have one minute to get dressed!" he said before slamming to door and causing plaster dust to fall from the ceiling.

Grumbling, Harry got up and opened his closet.

"Now, which pair of Dudley's old pants should I wear tonight?" he pondered. "Ah, how about the three sizes too big khaki ones? They blend in well with the poop stains. Oh, and I'll wear this shirt that smells of rotten tuna fish."

Exactly fifty-five seconds later, Harry was downstairs. Vernon knew he should have only given the boy thirty seconds, for he was looking forward to yelling at Harry some more.

The portly man shoved some money into Harry's hand before sending him off into the night.

Harry went through the door, then turned around and asked, "Would you miss me if I was kidnapped?"

Vernon frowned, and the vein on his thick neck started popping out.

"It doesn't matter, they would bring you back," he said before he shut the door and locked it.

"Riiight. Another awe-inspiring quote from the mouth of Satan himself. Let me offer the Dudley as a sacrifice now," he said to no one in particular before venturing out into the ghettos of Privet Drive.

While he was walking all alone, he noticed a little boy staring at him through the neighbor's window. His name was Tommy, and Harry remembered Aunt Petunia gossiping about how he was schizophrenic. Since the Dursleys never acknowledged Harry's existence, the boy thought Harry was just another figment of his imagination.

Harry smiled and waved to Tommy. The little boy then ran out of site, yelling, "Mummy, Mummy, I saw the boy! I saw the boy!"

"I bet the kids at school will be amused when I tell them I was the next door neighbor's imaginary friend."

Harry walked a little bit further before coming to an all night convenience store.

He felt stupid for asking, but he had to.

"Uh, do you by chance have any mash potato and bacon flavored ice cream?"

The man laughed hardily.

"Kid, are you on crack? What on earth are you doing in the middle of the night asking for mash potato ice cream?"

"No, I'm not on crack! I would never do any drug that has a name associated with my arse," he replied angrily. He left the store while the man was still laughing.

So young Harry walked down the street, venturing out even further from the prison camp known as the Dursley home. He hoped to Merlin that he wouldn't start sleepwalking and run out in front of a car. It wasn't that Harry was afraid of dying, he just didn't want to be there when it happened.

Out of nowhere, a whoosh of air made Harry fall to the ground. When he got up, he noticed that it was the purple, triple-decker Knight Bus.

Stan Shunpike, the pimple faced boy, smiled at the surprised Harry.

"Did you call?"

Harry brushed the dirt from off his face and glasses before replying, "No."

Stan looked disappointed.

"Oh, ok. We'll leave now," he sighed.

Harry ran over to him and yelled, "Wait! Do you know a place I could get some mash potato and bacon ice cream?" It wouldn't hurt to ask.

"Oh, of course! We have some right here on the bus!" he said, beaming.

"Really?"

"Yes! It's all the rage in the wizard world. The greatest thing since sliced bread!"

Harry couldn't believe his luck. Usually, if he were to land in a bag full of nipples, he would come out sucking his thumb. Maybe there was some hope for Dudley to embrace the wizarding world. The food was a start.

Stan hummed the latest hit from the Weird Sisters, "Love Potion #3," the follow up to "Love Potion #1" and "Love Potion #2," as he went to the back of the bus and filled up a waffle cone full of the delicious treat, and handed it to Harry.

"Thanks," Harry said, although quite disgusted with the smell coming out of the cone.

"No problem!"

Harry walked out of the bus, and waved to Stan as he left. Stan seemed very proud to have been a service to Harry. He was rather star struck by the Boy-Who-Lived.

As Harry was making his way back home, that is, if you called the Dursley's pad, home, he wondered if he should have gotten a pickle to put on top of the ice cream.

"Maybe Dudley is pregnant. He has been having rather odd nightly cravings."

Harry hurried to the house as fast as he could because the ice cream was starting to melt and drip onto his hand. He licked it off, and much to his surprise, it wasn't half bad.

He banged on the door for someone to let him in, and Dudley, with his despicable tear stained face, opened it and snatched the cone out of Harry's hand.

After biting off a huge piece, Dudley made a pinched up face and spit it out all over the floor.

"This isn't the right kind!" he yelled at Harry.

Harry rolled his eyes and held up his middle finger to his eye.

"Awww! Tear." Of course, Dudley didn't understand that Harry was giving him the bird.

Petunia ran up to Dudley and hugged the boy when he started to cry again. She glared murderously at Harry.

"Get out of my presence! Honestly, you're about as useful as a one legged man in an arse kicking contest!"

As Harry went back up the steps, he said to himself in a positive note, "Well, I've been called worse."

He went into his room and hopped into his bed, which filled with bed bugs living in moth eaten sheets. Harry always seemed to have company in bed.

He glanced over at the clock, and noticed it was midnight.

"It's my sweet sixteen. Happy birthday, Harry."

Before he could blow out his imaginary candles and make an imaginary wish, he noticed a flash of light flood his dark room, and heard Ron's voice.

"Harry?"

Harry ran over to the window and opened it. Ron flew in by an enchanted black broom.

"What the?"

Ron closed the broom, and explained.

He whispered, "My dad brought it home. It turns out, a squib named Mary Poppins was flying in around in the presence of Muggles. If they found out I flew it to go get you, they would freak. But I couldn't stand not talking to you all summer. It's your birthday, and you should be with friends."

"Amen to that. But how am I going to carry all my stuff?" Harry asked. He had a lot of junk.

Ron pulled out a little brown bag from his pocket.

Harry frowned and said bluntly, "Ron, that's a paper bag."

"Yes, but not just any paper bag. It's an enchanted paper bag. It will fit everything."

"Ohhhhh." Harry should have seen that one coming from a mile away.

So after quickly packing, Ron flew Harry away from the Dursleys by a getaway Marry Poppins umbrella. Ron was holding onto the umbrella and Harry's hand. Harry was holding on to the paper bag, and Hedwig was flying solo, and very much happy to be getting some exercise.

While flying above the clouds, Harry said, "Maybe I should have written a suicide note and told them I jumped off a bridge for getting Dudley the wrong type of ice cream. Then, the wouldn't ever expect me to come back."

Ron laughed, "Maybe. There are a lot of dead bodies in the river. I suppose they could look at dental records to determine if it were you or not, but how would they know who your dentist was?"

"They wouldn't be able to, because I've never been to the dentist. Do you really think the Dursley's would ever pay for one? If I get a cavity, they take floss and a slammed door to it."

Ron grimaced. "Ouch."

"Yeah. My point exactly." Harry added when he didn't see anything familiar, "Do you know where you're going?"

"Yes! I have a sense of direction, Harry. I'm not a woman."

Harry chuckled and warned, "Don't ever say something like that to Hermione."

"Oh, I won't. There is nothing like that of a woman's scorn."

About five minutes later, they had arrived at the Burrow. Ron stuffed the umbrella in the paper bag and quietly went outside. Harry did as Ron said, and waited a bit before knocking on the door.

Ron answered and greeted Harry. "Hi, Harry! What a surprise to see you here!"

"Hi, Ron! The Dursley's were so sick of me they dropped me off here. Can I stay the summer?"

Ron let Harry inside. "Yes, Harry, but let me be sure and go tell Mum."

"Okay," he said as he flopped down on the couch in the living room. Sleep deprivation was starting to get the best of him. He drifted into a deep sleep.