Forever in Your Shadow

I was always in somebody else's shadow. From when I was a little girl, to my teenage years, I always in somebody's else's shadow- be it Narcissa, or even my idiot sister Andromeda.

Somebody was always better than me, prettier than me, funnier than me, and even smarter than me.

I hated it. I wanted to be in a spotlight of my own- center stage, with my family off in the wings. I wanted to be the star, the only star.

You have probably heard my story, or what you thought was my story.

But nobody knows the real story, the truth behind the entire Ministry propaganda, or the legends.

No one except me.

And so, you might see me as a murderer- a filthy Death Eater. You might see me as an idol- in the Dark Lord's Inner circle.

But whatever you see me as, I am simply, and will always be the person I am. I do not deny the fact that it was my choice to go into the Dark Side; I do not deny the killings, the torturing, and the death that was all on my behalf. I deny none of it, and you will never hear me say that I do deny it.

You might walk away from this story with understanding; you might walk away from this story with even more confusion, or disdain, but no matter what you do or say, I will tell you my story.

I'd had stopped caring about what other people think of me a long time ago, why should I start now?

I shouldn't, and I wouldn't.

I am Bellatrix Black Lestrange; I have nothing to be ashamed of.

And I never will be ashamed of what I am.

I was not an unhappy child, I suppose for the early years of my childhood. I was vaguely aware with a child's sense that somehow Narcissa, an enchanting little girl with the prettiest blonde curls ever, seemed to get most of the hugs and kisses from my mother, and Andromeda, a serious one, with wavy chestnut hair, seemed to get the most praises for her intelligence, from my father.

I was but little Bellatrix, slender, and dark, which was not attractive for all too much of my family. Mother, Isadore Black, formerly a Zabini, had perfect blonde hair, fair skin, and blue eyes. She was the pretty side of the family, and everybody could see that Narcissa followed in her footsteps.

Father, Grant Black, was the clever side. He was unbelievably brilliant, and Andromeda took after him in both her looks, and keen intelligent.

As for me, I was a loner. At my early age, I was not pretty, or particularly precocious. I was simply an ordinary child, and I think my parents were disappointed with that. What Narcissa did not have in brains, she made up with beauty, and vice versa for Andromeda.

I remember several occasions when my parents favored Narcissa and Andromeda over me, letting them get away with what I could not, a tender endearment here, a surprise gift there.

As I grew older, it became more apparent to my growing mind that I simply was not loved. Yes I was clothed, yes I was fed, but I was not loved, nor appreciated.

And it hurt, small as I was then. Sometimes I used to cry myself to sleep knowing that my bedroom was dark, and cold, while Andromeda's usually had Father reading some great work of literature to her, and Mummy would be singing Narcissa to sleep.

Most times they never even said good night to me.

I grew up shy and timid because of it. Then, Andromeda received her letter to Hogwarts. She was only two years older than me. I knew my time would come soon to board the red train, and I was terribly excited. Whenever Andromeda would write a letter, or come home for holiday, I eagerly ate up all the stories about the castle.

Andromeda was Sorted into Ravenclaw, a source of hidden disgust by my mother, and a mixture of disgust, and hidden pride by my father.

The next year, Narcissa got her letter, and too went off to the school.

Her letter home said that she was in Slytherin, which my mother was ecstatic about, and my father was pleased. She mostly wrote about the latest gossip, and other petty things, which my mother read thirstily, and my father tried to conceal the fact that it was extremely tedious for him

I really could not wait until I could go to Hogwarts. It was a chance of escape for me, a chance at a new start, a chance at actually becoming something that would prove to my parents that I was something to be proud of.

When I got the letter, I remember feeling a great feeling of relief wash over me, and I tried to ignore my parent's indifference. I would show them, they would see.

I got on the train, with Andromeda and Narcissa, and once my parents were put of sight, I found there was a whole different side of my sisters that I never knew they possessed.

Andromeda actually hung out with some Mudbloods. I knew she had always been a little quiet at home when Father or Mummy would make some unpleasant comment about the Mudbloods, but I never knew Andromeda was actually friends with some of them.

I wondered what Father would say if he knew his precious "Pum'kin" was being friendly to the enemy, the inferior race.

And Narcissa was not known as Narcissa, but the rather more glamorous Cissa Black. She, even at that age, was popular with the boys, whom I still did not understand, or like, for that matter.

So I was left alone, to find a compartment of my own. Finally managing to find one at the back, I went in.

Much to my unhappiness, my cousin, Sirius Black was there.

For some reason, I didn't particularly like Sirius. He was so bold, so very brash, and always prank pulling, it irritated me to no end. However my sisters had deserted me, and so I had no choice.

Without so much as a greeting, I silently put my trunk away, and sat by the window, ignoring Sirius's stare.

"Why, Bellatrix, don't you recognize me?" Sirius asked in astonishment.

Anther thing I hated; my name. It was so frivolous, and while Narcissa's most definitely suited hers, and Andromeda's as well, mine just didn't

"Don't call me Bellatrix." I snapped, still staring out the window.

"Well, somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, didn't they?" he said, huffily.

Sirius was not used to being snapped at.

And I was in no mood to tolerate Sirius today. I jumped up from my seat, and turned around in fury.

"I could not have woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning because my bed is pushed up against the wall, therefore me having no choice but to get out on the same side every morning, so therefore you are insinuating that I wake up on the wrong side of the bed every morning, implying that I'm in a bad mood always, but I'm not! Just when I'm around you." I narrowed my eyes at him, waiting for a reaction.

Sirius first looked surprised, then angry. Changing subjects, he reverted back to my name. "Well, if I'm not permitted to call you Bellatrix, then what should I call you? The Ugly Duckling?" he taunted.

That was the last straw. I remembered, almost immediately, a distant memory of my mother reading the "Ugly Duckling" to Narcissa, and Narcissa asking if she was ever an ugly duckling. My mother replied that of course not, Narcissa was born a swan, and would always be a swan. She cast a look in my direction, and then said loudly to my sister "Some aren't as fortunate as you, darling. Some ugly ducklings simply remain ugly ducklings."

That one stung, and I would carry it with me all through my life. So, naturally, that was not the smartest thing for Sirius to say.

I pulled out my wand, which had just gotten yesterday, pointed it at Sirius, and uttered the first words that came to mind.

"Petrificus Totalus!" I had been reading on some of the spell books we required, and memorizing some of the spells.

Sirius had a look of shock on his face when he fell, a look of shock and a little bit of fear which I would see again when he fell through the veil so many years later.

I looked at him in disdain. I was about to kick him, when Andromeda came in.

"There you are! I've been looking for you everywhere." She stopped short when she saw the immobile Sirius on the compartment floor.

Andromeda looked at him in confusion.

"Bellatrix, who did this?" She asked.

I smiled triumphantly. "I did."

She looked amazed. "You performed the full body bind?"

Nodding, I made my way over to the compartment door. Right before I turned to leave, I said, "Oh, yes, Andromeda?"

She was still staring at Sirius. "What is it?"

"Don't call me Bellatrix. My name is Bella."

I turned and walked calmly out of the compartment, leaving my older sister with her mouth hanging open.