Prelude to Destiny

Chapter 20

All Over Again

"No," Lily said, steel in her voice, "I'm not hiding anymore."

"So I'll just go and get him then?" Peter asked, moving to stand. Lily's eyes flickered toward him, then back at Sirius, who was barely hiding a smirk. Lily wanted to lift up a plate, throw it at his face, and watch it shatter that smirk that had no right - no effing right - to be there.

"Peter, did you know?" Lily asked, turning back to the boy she didn't know so as to keep her anger in check.

"Know what?" Peter repeated, squirming. Lily gave him a hard look and he glanced at Sirius before nodding. Lily clenched her teeth to keep herself from screaming out her frustrations in the middle of the Great Hall.

"We'll go fetch him for you," Sirius said, and though he said it with a straight face, Lily knew that tone. She knew he was teasing her. Teasing her as if he hadn't just betrayed everything in their friendship, hadn't lied to her for months, hadn't played with her feelings for months.

Without thinking about it, Lily snatched a handful of grapes from a bowl on the table and threw them at Sirius as hard as she could. He looked up at her with confused and sort-of hurt eyes and she just wanted to keep throwing things at him. He looked shocked that she was upset with him, as if he hadn't been lying to her for months.

"Did you just throw grapes at me?" Sirius asked.

"Be glad the house elves don't serve bricks," Lily snapped, turning and leaving the Great Hall a moment later.

"Lily!" called a voice behind her. Lily stopped-- more out of habit than desire-- to find Sam closing the gap between them.

"Sam," Lily acknowledged, beginning to walk away. Sam paced with her.

"Lily, we have to talk," Sam asserted.

"Really? What about?" Lily asked with clipped tones and a pretend ignorance. She was sure she was annoying her friend and couldn't have cared less.

"About what happened last night."

"I thought we already talked about that." Lily didn't exactly remember what Tracy and Sam had said to her the night before, but she was sure they had been trying to calm her down, to make her forgive and forget.

Oh. No. Wait. Lily remembered that they admitted that they'd known James had liked her since the beginning of fifth year. Oh, and they'd known that Lily thought James and Tracy were dating. Right. And they hadn't bothered to correct her wrongful assumptions.

"Don't be obnoxious," Sam snapped.

"Don't lie to me for months on end," Lily retorted, speeding up her pace as she stepped into the secret passage on the first floor. Sam followed and grabbed her arm as the torches lit themselves and the wall slid shut.

"Don't you dare try to blame this all on me," Sam said, Lily ripped her hand away from her and took a step forward, ready to just--just shove her friend into that wall.

"Did you or did you not lie to me for the past five months?" Lily asked tightly.

"You could've ended that at any moment," Sam answered so effing calmly that Lily wanted to shake her until some sort of emotion came out.

"Oh really?" Lily asked snidely.

"Yes," Sam said. "If you'd made a single mention of Sirius Black talking to you about--about anything - I could have put it together. You could have told Tracy you liked James last year and everything would have been different. So no, I didn't tell you when I found out about James liking you. No, I didn't tell you that you were wrong about him and Tracy, so what?"

"What do you mean 'so what'?" Lily asked, incredulous. "You knew exactly how horrible he was to me when I liked him. You knew how hurt I was by the whole thing. How confused I was."

"And is that my fault?" Sam asked.

"Yes!" Lily screamed. "You were my best friend and you kept all of this from me!"

"It was for your own good," Sam answered. "You wouldn't have believed me if I told you--"

"My own good?" Lily cut her off, clenching her fists so hard she might have drawn blood if she'd had longer nails. "Who are you to decide what may or may not be for my own good? Who are you to decide?"

"I'm your best friend," Sam said.

"Right," Lily scoffed. "Right, and that means lying is just fine."

"You wouldn't have believed me. You'd never let anything be that easy," Sam repeated. Her words reminded Lily of Sirius and that just made Lily angrier.

"How dare you assume--"

"You wouldn't have--"

"How would you know, Sam?" Lily hissed the words at her friend. "How would you ever know?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sam asked.

"It means that you don't know what you're talking about and you should probably shut up about the whole thing," Lily said, counting to ten in her head and trying to calm herself down before she said something she didn't want to, something she wasn't sure Sam could handle hearing.

"How could I know what you're talking about if you won't tell me?" Sam asked.

"Stop trying to blame this on me! You and Sirius and Tracy and everyone need to stop blaming me!" Lily ordered, abandoning her counting and turning to walk away. Sam grabbed her hand.

"Tell me what you're thinking."

"Later," Lily muttered, trying to pull away, and trying to blink back those damnable tears that she wished would vanish. The stone stairs were blurring. She was so angry and frustrated she was crying. Frick.

"No, tell me now."

"Why?" Lily asked.

"Because later you won't say anything."

"Sam--"

"Just say it!"

"Fine!" Lily turned around and wrenched her arm out of her friend's grasp. "Fine, you want to know what I have to say? Fine. I'm effing angry with you. So angry that it feels kind of like hatred, but really, it's just that I feel hurt and abandoned and useless."

"What?" Sam looked so confused. How dense could she be?

"You gave me twenty feet of parchment and then practically disappeared from my life. You don't sit by me in classes. You don't even come by Arithmancy anymore." Okay, so that last point was childish, but still true. "You don't tell me when the guy I've been obsessed with likes me. You don't correct my mistakes. It feels like you chose James Potter, a practical stranger, over me!"

"You're the one that wouldn't speak to me," Sam accused.

"Me?" Lily repeated. "Are you joking? You and Tracy disappear for hours together, and I'm supposed to think what? That you know James Potter likes me and that you're plotting to get us together? Am I insane? Why would I ever think that?"

"I wasn't avoiding you. I was working for you."

"By lying. Oh good."

"That's not what happened."

"No," Lily agreed. "No, you're right. You've been avoiding me for much longer than all of this. Actually, since New Year's Eve and that damnable Ball. Well you know what? It's not my fault that Voldemort's Death Eaters attacked that Ball and avoiding me won't help you avoid him!"

"What? Lily that has nothing--"

"Don't tell me that has nothing to do with this. You and Tracy haven't been able to look me in the eye since that night." A sort-of sob lodged itself in Lily's throat but she screamed her way through it. "Don't you think I felt dirty enough after that night? That I was ashamed about what happened? And then you wouldn't even let me laugh about it. He's just a man, Samantha. He'll grow old and die or some Auror will land a lucky curse, but either way he will die."

"I know that, Lily."

"Then why do you act like this? What did I do?" Lily leaned back against the wall and crossed her arms over her chest, letting herself slide down the wall until she was sitting. Sam stood watching her, then slid down the wall opposite her and sat staring at Lily for one uncomfortable moment. Then another and another.

"I didn't know," Sam said.

"You didn't know what?" Lily asked, looking at her hands.

"I didn't know that you'd ever imagine--" Sam stopped and turned to face Lily. "I guess I might have been-- but I didn't mean to avoid you for those reasons, Lily. I didn't mean to avoid you at all. It just kind of happened."

"It always does," Lily muttered, thinking of Petunia and how Lily was the one that was just letting her sister fall away. Lily thought of her parents who she wrote to less and less often. Lily thought of Adrianna whom she had simply let fall away. "But it hurts the most with you because you were--you are my best friend. You were the one that knew."

"I'm scared of what's coming, Lily," Sam confessed, looking down at her hands. "But I never meant to take that out on you. I know that you-- I know that this has absolutely nothing to do with you. It's just me."

"Great," Lily muttered, swallowing back her tears, still angry. Actually, angrier because of how sad she now felt. She looked at her watch, stood. "I have to go to Transfiguration now."

"All right," Sam said, looking at her knees. Lily turned and walked up the stairs, pausing to look at Sam and swallow her anger enough to address the girl.

"We'll talk later," Lily offered, turning and walking away, wishing she hadn't promised herself she wouldn't blow up any more walls. It would have felt divine.

"No," Sam whispered causing Lily to pause in her step, "we won't."

But Lily did not turn. Instead she walked away from her best friend sitting on the ground. Sam had been a constant in Lily's life since she was twelve. She'd been the only one that Lily had trusted with her secret infatuation of James Potter. Sam was the friend whose opinion of Christian had basically pounded in the final nail in the Lily-and-Christian-relationship coffin. Sam had known everything it was possible to know and still she'd betrayed Lily, kept her in the dark, played with her emotions, ignored and left her behind.

Maybe later Lily would be able to forgive Sam for that, but at that moment blowing up a wall seemed like a better option.

~*~*~

Lily was the first to arrive at the Transfiguration classroom. She sat in the front row and watched the door, watched the pockets of students enter and take their seats. Tracy came in, caught Lily's eye, looked at the ground and took a seat in the far back. Christine came in and plopped herself down right next to Lily, flipped open her book, and pulled out her homework to make a few last-minute corrections.

Sirius Black came in after a pack of Ravenclaws. Lily locked eyes with him, saw him look at her with large, apologetic eyes, and saw him move aside to reveal James Potter, looking a bit like death walking. More than a bit, actually.

But he met Lily's gaze and did not look away as he moved into his usual seat in the back row next to Tracy, who stood and moved away from him. That was when James broke their stare and looked sadly at the empty chair Tracy normally sat in. Lily felt a brief stab of gratitude for Tracy.

Then she remembered that Tracy had known that James liked Lily, and Lily's gratitude evaporated.

"How did you answer number twelve?" Christine asked, closing her book and looking curiously at Lily. Lily, glad for an excuse to avoid thinking about James Potter, grabbed her homework out of her bag and handed it to Christine.

Somehow Lily managed to also take out her notes and listen to McGonagall's explanation of reciprocated transfiguration - changing one item and having that change reflected on a different, similar object - and she even took notes. It was like a very focused tunnel vision. Hey, this whole thing might actually improve her note taking. Neat.

"To summarize, what objects can the atomius conflitarian spell affect?" McGonagall asked the room.

Annoyed with life in general, basically, and unwilling to let irritating silences follow the professor's questions, as normally happened, Lily looked at her notes and, without raising her hand, said, "Metal objects smaller than a fist."

"And which objects can its sister spell effect?" Professor McGonagall asked, lips thin, obviously annoyed that Lily hadn't raised her hand.

"Unrefined natural objects the size of a bludger or smaller," came the voice from the back of the room. Lily turned in her seat to find James Potter staring at her, not smiling, not frowning, just staring. She set her mouth in a line and turned back to the front of the room.

"When will the object change to mimic the original?" Professor McGonagall prompted, looking for hands.

"With the atomius conflitarian it could take up to an hour, depending on distance," Lily answered.

"The spell wouldn't work at all if the objects were over one-hundred kilometres from one another," James added.

"But the sister spell has immediate responses or none, so it's easier to tell when you failed," Lily finished, unwilling to let James (who she refused to turn and actually glare at) have the final word.

"Unless you simultaneously cast a tempurus esperatte and wanted it to be delayed." Lily wanted to turn around and curse James so badly right then, the lying, deceitful--

"If you wanted it to be delayed, you could just use the juntarium spell and not have to cast two N.E.W.T. spells at the same time," Lily added.

"Not if you were using a material--"

"Thank you, Mr. Potter, Miss Evans, for your enthusiastic responses," Professor McGonagall interrupted harshly. "Next time, try to raise your hands."

"Yes, Professor."

"Sorry, Professor."

But while Lily had agreed and James had apologized, their actions seemed contradictory: the next time McGonagall asked a question both of them rapidly read their notes and skimmed their books for answers. When they found the answer, they shouted them out, and then the other person added something.

The whole process had the unfortunate effect of driving Lily to the brink of insanity. She wanted to throttle that bloke. James, turning redder and redder with each answer, seemed similarly angered.

McGonagall didn't seem to be faring that well at the end of the class period when she asked Lily and James to stay behind. Once the rest of the students left, Lily and James stood in front of her desk without glancing at one another.

"I'm glad to see you both participating more in class," McGonagall began, causing both Lily and James to jump in shock. What the hell?

"What?" James asked.

"It's nice to see two of my students participate more," McGonagall basically repeated, looking at James and almost smiling. Lily wanted to roll her eyes and then throw up. Even McGonagall had a crush on freaking Potter. "However, I must insist you raise your hands before speaking. Another day like today will result in point deductions from Gryffindor."

"Yes, Professor," they muttered together.

"You're excused."

Lily turned and practically sprinted out of that room, away from McGonagall and the lingering memory of what a spectacle she had made of herself in that class. But then, of course--of freaking course-- James caught up with her and cut her off.

"You can't avoid me forever," James began.

"Excuse me, genius, but I never tried to avoid you," Lily snapped. "You tried to avoid me, remember? The whole not-coming-out-of-your-room-in-time-for-Arithmancy-thing?"

"But I'm here now," he answered.

"Sure, because I told your best friends to go up to the dorm and get you, coward." He flinched. Lily shook her head, trying to walk around him. He grabbed her arm and pulled her into one of the unused classrooms in the hall. Who did he think he was kidding?

"What do you think you're doing?" Lily asked, fuming as he put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her back into the middle of the room.

"I'm talking to you about what happened," James answered. "You can leave if you like, but I'm here to talk."

He turned them around so that he was no longer between her and the door. She took three calming breaths, looked over his shoulder at the beautiful spring day outside, and realized his hands were still on her shoulders, feeling perfect.

"Why are you doing this?" Lily asked, tearing her eyes away from the window and looking at him. "What did you want from me? What do you want?"

"I just wanted you," he whispered, dropping his hands from her shoulders and looking at her with such longing that she literally ached. "What did you want?"

"I wanted--" Lily looked down at her hands and then back at him, torn between frustration, anger, sadness, and irritation. "--I wanted this."

She took a step forward, put her hands on either side of his face and pulled it down to meet hers. Then Lily kissed him with her angry lips, kissed him so hard that she was sure she was bruising something, but whether it was her heart or her lips she could never say. When she pulled back he looked both shocked and upset.

"If you want to be with me--" James began.

"No," Lily said, letting her hands fall to her sides and stepping away from him and feeling cheap--so very cheap--for having been weak and given in to her desires. She shouldn't have kissed him. She shouldn't have. But damn. It had felt so good. And it wasn't her fault she couldn't kiss him. It was his.

"No? Why no?" James asked, taking a step forward, wrapping his left arm around her waist and pulling her toward him. And Merlin help her, it felt wonderful. After all this time, all her lusting after him, all of the craziness of falling for Remus--oh. Oh wait. That's right. This was effing weird.

Lily stepped out of his reach.

"No. Not yet," she said. She was about to comment on his lying, on his betrayal and on her hurt, but when she caught the look on his face, she froze. He looked devastated. Frick! Fine. She sort of admitted to herself that he'd been hurt here too. Hadn't Gertrude mentioned something like that? But you know what? No. Eff that. No. Lily hadn't pretended to be someone she wasn't. She hadn't done anything nearly as repulsive as he had.

Then why, why, why did she want nothing more than to wrap her arms around him and snog him until they both forgot this whole effing mess? Why was she such a freaking hormonal, senseless teenager?

This sucked.

"Frick. I hate this," Lily muttered, turning to leave the room.

"Hate what?" James asked, his voice effectively halting her movements.

"I hate that you made this not okay," Lily complained, leaning her head against the wall.

"Made what not okay?" At least he wasn't coming any closer. At least he wasn't making her want to banish him through a window, off a tower, and into a dragon. At least he wasn't acting like the James she had thought she'd known. He was, instead, acting like the Remus she'd thought she'd known. But which one was he really? Was he wonderful Remus-James (Jamus) or was that just acting? Or had he been wonderful all along and she just hadn't noticed? Frick. She hated this uncertainty.

"I hate that you made this--us--not okay," Lily clarified, gesturing with her hand above her head between the two of them even as she continued to press her head against the wall.

"This is okay," James said. He was definitely closer now.

"This is not okay," Lily protested, turning around and finding that he had taken a step toward her. "This is in no way okay. This might have been okay without the lying and potion-ing, but now, right now? Definitely not okay."

"What would you have had me do?" James exclaimed, surprising Lily. Was he as angry and frustrated as Lily? Eff that.

"Don't yell at me!" Lily shouted. "I'm not the one that made this mean, manipulative decision!"

"And of course this was mean and manipulative!" His voice was laced with sarcasm. "It couldn't possibly have been me desperate to get your attention, desperate to get to know you and get over you by realizing that you really were just human. And it couldn't have been me just wanting to spend more time with you because I liked you. No. It was mean and manipulative."

"Oh! So you did this because you liked me? Then it's just fine that you tricked me into falling for a different bloke!"

"It wasn't a different bloke. It was me! Always me!"

"And it's always been you, James!" Lily exclaimed. "I told you that last night! It's always been you and it could have been you now, except that you're an effing idiot."

"So that's it?" James asked angrily. "One mistake and that's it?"

"Maybe that is it!" Lily yelled. Sure, she remembered what she'd said to Gertrude the night before, remembered saying she'd already forgiven him, but honestly, standing in front of his angry face and hearing his angry words, she just wanted to punch him. Or kiss him. And that second option irritated her. A lot.

"I didn't pretend I was Remus. Everything I said was just me--me. That's why I didn't want you asking about family! I didn't want to lie to you!"

"Oh!" Lily exclaimed with mock excitement. "You didn't want to lie to me? That changes everything, doesn't it? I mean, you never pretended to be Remus except--oh, that's right! You used the freaking Polyjuice Potion to make yourself look like him!"

"Yeah, except for that, I was honest!" James answered. Idiot. Freaking idiot.

"Oh, that's fine then," Lily screeched. "You know, maybe I'll just go snog Matt McGrath or Remus now, since one of us has thought I liked them for months now. Maybe one of them will secretly be someone I like Polyjuiced and then everything would work out. Yes, that sounds like a brilliant plan."

James looked at her, stunned and visibly controlling his anger, then he took three steps forward and Lily thought he was going to hit her, but instead his hand grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her into another kiss.

And good grief how she enjoyed this kiss. He was angry this time too, but she wasn't about to let him have the upper hand. She kissed him with all of her own anger and frustration and irritation, pulling him as close as she could.

When they broke apart, both were out of breath. Frick! Lily wasn't supposed to have done that. With the arms on his shoulders she'd used to bring him closer, she shoved him away.

"Stop attacking me," she said.

"Stop pretending like you don't want me to," James replied, smirking. Was he kidding? Was he effing kidding? No. No. He'd really just said that. Just--Lily took three more steps away from him, unable to even think of a coherent response. What an idiot.

"I can't believe you said that," Lily said, so angry she could barely see clearly.

"I was kidding--"

"Very funny," Lily snapped.

She grabbed and turned the handle on the door and tried to open it, but James's right hand reached above her right shoulder and kept the door shut. And now she was trapped, his body--his nice, safe, warm, and wonderful body--behind her and the unopened door in front. And was it bad that she just wanted to sigh and never move? Yes! Yes it was.

"Don't leave. Don't run," he said in clipped tones, and his voice was quiet again, right beside her ear, enticing, pleading, stealing her anger with its softness.

"You stupid jerk," Lily replied, though she didn't move.

"Don't leave," he repeated. "I'm sorry."

"No, you're not," Lily said without thinking. She'd always before imagined James Potter to be incapable of being apologetic, but she'd come to find Remus to be so sincere. And if they were the same person--it hurt to have a person's entire opinion of someone changed overnight, didn't it?

"I am," he said. "I'm sorry. Don't leave. Talk to me."

And oh how Lily loved this moment: loved leaning back slightly and pressing against him and finding his hand sneaking around her middle, fingers curled so that the backs of his nails ran across her stomach. She loved the way her head came to rest on his shoulder and his face relaxed against her hair. She hated how much she loved it.

"I hate that this isn't okay," Lily said, blinking back tears of frustration and anger as she enjoyed their position for a few more moments.

"Why isn't this okay?" he asked, tightening his grip on her stomach.

"Because you wouldn't let it be," Lily said, pushing away from him, pulling open the door and moving to leave.

"I'm still the bloke that patrolled with you, that you liked and voluntarily kissed," James said.

"No," Lily replied, turning, "you're not. That bloke understood me. He told me the truth. He was honest. He respected me and--and he didn't make me practically hate myself for falling for him. No. No, that's not you. That's not what I see when I look at you."

"It is. Why are you--why can't you just--"

"Just what? Just forget that you lied?"

"Yes. Why can't you just move on?"

"That's not how these things work!" Lily snapped. "That's not how life works. You can't just forget the bad parts and proceed with the good."

"Sure you can! That's the joy of alcohol, really."

"This is really not the time for jokes," Lily said.

"It was funny," he protested. How could she have not known Remus wasn't acting normal? How could she not have listened to James's way of speaking and his intonation and known that he and 'Remus' were the same? She had been a blind fool.

"I don't know if I can forgive you for this. Not right now, not soon," Lily said.

"Fine. Fine, if that's really what you want. Fine. I understand," James said, backing up.

"Good," Lily muttered, stepping through the door and letting it fall shut behind her. Lily hadn't thought anything could hurt more than watching Remus's face melt into James's. She didn't think her heart could hurt any more than that. She was obviously mistaken. This hurt more. Oh Merlin, this hurt so much she didn't know how she could stop hurting. He was giving up. He really wasn't Remus. He'd been acting.

And so the relationship that never should have been ended before it even began. It was doomed, she supposed, from the deceitful beginning.

"Lily," called James, making Lily briefly push her morbid thoughts out of her mind as she stopped walking.

"Yes?" she replied without turning around. She didn't want him to see her crying. How had she messed this up? No! No. This wasn't her fault. This was his. All his. And Sam's and Tracy's and Sirius's and maybe even Peter's and Remus's.

"I told you once that I was too stubborn to give up on that girl I liked," James reminded her. Lily thought back, remembering the conversation. Yes, 'Jamus' had once told her that. Had she been the girl they talked about? Had he been talking about her just as much as she'd been talking about him? How had they not clued in?

"I remember," she said.

"I'm still stubborn," he announced. She choked back a laugh. "And I'm still that guy you fell for."

"You mean Remus?" Lily asked with not a little bit of bitterness in her words.

"No. I mean James, who looked like Remus."

"Right," Lily muttered, shaking her head in disbelief. "Right."

But she didn't believe him, didn't think he was that person. As much as she wanted him to convince her, to chase her, she didn't think he could.

"James?" Lily stopped, turned and called, glad to see he hadn't gotten out of shouting distance. He turned, one raised eyebrow. "I'm so mad at you that I want to blow something up and pick up the pieces and throw them at you."

James laughed. "Good. I'm so frustrated with you that I want to toss first years into the lake."

"Yeah, well, good," Lily said, childishly needing to be the last one to speak.

"Lily?"

"What?"

"Sirius, he was just--"

"I know," she cut him off. "I know."

Lily had a free period and spent it mashing small, squashable food in the kitchen, frustrated that this was now her life, that she didn't want to talk to Tracy, didn't want to have to face Sam, and that she found herself completely understanding and forgiving that damnable Sirius Black. Oh, and she thought about James Potter and how he had to have missed Defence in order to talk to her. Yes, she thought about that much more than she should have.

~*~*~

Talking to Remus was Lily's goal the next day. Well, that and curse all of her friends into oblivion. Luckily, the first was the only goal she managed to accomplish.

"Hey, Remus," Lily had begun, swallowing the bile that seemed to have moved into her throat.

"Hello, Lily." He looked horrible. Well, he had been in the Hospital Wing. Oh, and he was probably a werewolf, but Lily decided to pretend like she definitely did not know that. Yes, denial seemed the best option at that time.

"Are you all right?"

"All right?"

"You are in the Hospital Wing," Lily explained, gesturing around the room.

"Yes, well, I rather love it here." Right. Well.

"I know that James has been Polyjuicing himself and coming on patrols with me." No one ever said Lily had tact. And people had definitely mentioned that she was too blunt for her own good.

"Oh-- I--" Remus looked like he wanted to throw up too. Well, good. Misery loved company and all that.

"Yeah, just wanted to let you know that I'm not going to stalk you anymore," Lily said, adjusting her bag on her shoulder and preparing to leave.

"I'm sorry," Remus said quietly.

"You're sorry?"

"Sorry that I let him do that," Remus explained. Oh. Lily had known that. She remembered that conversation she had overheard. Remus had said what James was doing was mean and manipulative and that he wouldn't do it anymore. That, in Lily's book, made him worse than any of the other people involved in this whole sordid thing.

"I know you are," Lily said, but she didn't accept his apology. Sam and Tracy and especially Sirius had at least thought that they were working toward the common good. They had deluded themselves into believing they were doing the right thing. Remus had known it was wrong and still he'd agreed to do it.

"Are you and James dating?" Remus asked. Lily pulled a face.

"No." She thought about how James had acted in class that day: shouting out answers, trying to answer faster or louder than Lily, egging her into shouting louder and faster. She'd studied extra hard for Potions just to crush him beneath her heel.

"You're not?"

"Ask him about it," Lily forced herself to say. She was so used to looking at this face and being open and honest: talking about everything from her family to her boy doubts to her personal doubts to her love of freaking chocolate--everything. And now to look at him and keep her thoughts to herself... It was difficult.

"You don't have to stop stalking me," Remus offered.

"I don't?" Lily asked.

"It was kind of nice having someone sit by me every class." Remus was obviously trying to make the best of this situation. Well, eff that. Lily didn't quite know how she had believed for five months that this Remus could have been Jamus, patrol James/Remus.

But her anger was just making her harsh. Or maybe just honest. Or both. Both would be preferable.

"I'm sure I'll sit by you again," Lily said. But she was lying. This hurt too much, rubbed her nose in her own idiocy too much. No, this talking-to-Remus thing was probably going to have to end.

"I'm glad." He seemed desperate for Lily to forgive him, to like him. But she barely knew him and had thought he was her freaking soul mate or some other stupid, contrived love idea. But he wasn't right for her.

"I hope you feel better," Lily offered. No. He wasn't her soul mate. He was Remus Lupin, that guy in her year she didn't know. So why did it hurt so much to leave that Hospital Wing? Why did it feel like her heart was breaking again?

~*~*~

Now Sirius Black, it must be noted, does not take anger well. That is, he doesn't tolerate other people being angry with him. He had this awful tendency to do stupid things to alleviate other people's anger.

Once, Peter hadn't been speaking to Sirius after an unfortunate mishap during a prank in the Ravenclaw common room, in which Sirius had left him stranded, wearing only his robes as the seventh year Ravenclaw girls raced in to see what the commotion was. Sirius had had the house elves deliver a huge cake to Peter in the middle of History of Magic. Then he jumped out of it wearing a sign saying, 'I'm sorry, Peter. I love you,' and everyone was very, very confused.

In February, actually, Remus hadn't been speaking to Sirius and so the dumb, stupid, lovable Sirius had serenaded him from outside the Gryffindor tower with a sonoras until everyone in the tower found a window and saw Sirius singing outside the tower (with back-up vocals from James and Peter, though the choreographed dancing was sketchy). McGonagall had shown up to see the show after the second song, transformed into a cat, roof-hopped down to the ground, and dragged all three boys away amidst shouts of "Encore!"

And so Lily really shouldn't have been caught off guard when April came to a close, two weeks after the Big Meltdown. She hadn't spoken to Sirius, really, in those two weeks. The last time she spoke to him, she'd thrown grapes at him. He had sent her apology notes every day since then at breakfast. She had burned them all and gone back to eating her eggs.

No, Lily definitely should not have been caught off guard. She should have known. And yet...

"Would anyone like to volunteer?" Flitwick asked at the beginning of Charms class on that Friday. It was everyone's last class of the day, and the man was just looking hopefully around at a room of too-cool-to-volunteer teenagers. And he would have been disappointed by their enthusiasm had James and Lily not continued to goad each other as they had been practicing for the past two weeks.

"James would," Lily called out, just as James announced, "Lily would."

"Splendid!" Flitwick smiled. "We'll have a proper duel, then."

As was their tradition, without looking at one another, James Potter and Lily Evans rose out of their chairs and walked to the front of the classroom, only looking at one another once they were forced to.

They hadn't spoken since that intense conversation in the empty classroom in the Transfiguration corridor, but they had continued cutting each other off in class, shouting out answers, correcting each other.

Just yesterday, in Arithmancy, Lily had said that a person born in March, on a Thursday had an affiliation for twos. James, freaking James, had quickly pointed out that she was completely wrong. "If you'll just look at page two-hundred-and-twenty..." Lily wanted to destroy him in this duel.

There had been an underlying tension that everyone noticed but no one talked about. Actually, Sam and Tracy had withdrawn even further into the shadows of Lily's life since that day, though Lily doubted that Tracy even noticed.

"Raise your wands in front of you and bow," Flitwick instructed. Lily inclined her head. James gave a large sweep over his arm and an elaborate bow that involved touching the floor with the tips of his fingers. Lily wanted to throw something at him. Something big.

"Don't forget to use the correct flicking motion with that shield," Lily cautioned James, smiling a tight smile.

"I won't, thank you, Lily," James replied. "And please don't forget that if you want to stop you only need to say the word."

"Good communication!" Flitwick complimented, though Lily didn't miss the way his eyes flashed between the pair.

~*~*~

Lily grumbled quietly as Flitwick kept her after class to look at her foot. It hurt, but not enough to actually matter. What mattered was that James had bested her and then--with a grin to match the Cheshire cat - explained exactly what she'd done wrong (dropping her left arm and leaving him with a perfect target in her shoulder, which she'd bent to avoid, leaving her foot exposed). Oh boy was she annoyed.

"Lily, you need to come," Christine announced, opening the door to the Charms classroom, marching in and taking Lily by the hand.

"Miss Evans's foot may be--"

"Yes, but no," Christine replied, shaking her head at Flitwick. "You can come too. Come. Come."

She ushered the two of them out of the classroom and into the corridor, where lilies lined the walls. Lily turned left and right. The lilies were everyone. Every inch of wall not covered by a portrait or door was plastered with a lily. First years had stopped to pick one off the wall and one had grown in its place almost immediately. It looked like Spring was angry and decided to take it out on the Hogwarts walls.

"What the hell is this?" Lily asked, forgetting to avoid cursing around a professor as she walked forward to glance down the side corridors. Yep. Also covered.

"This is brilliant!" Christine answered. Obviously she was daft.

"Did you do this?" Lily asked.

"No."

"Did a student accidentally--"

"No, no," Christine interrupted. "This is for you."

"It's so--" Lily couldn't find the word.

"White?" Christine suggested.

"Stupid," Lily amended, still shaking her head at the wall as she reached out to touch a flower. But from where her fingertip connected with the wall, spread yellow roses spelling out... spelling out... well, it was actually difficult to read from this close. The yellow on white choice wasn't exactly helping matters, either.

She backed up and read: I'm sorry, Lily. Forgive me.

"You have got to be kidding me," Lily muttered.

"This is an impressive bit of magic," Flitwick said. Lily looked at him, surprised that her favourite teacher, the teacher she respected most, was actually impressed with this monstrosity. He seemed to be looking at the ceiling. Lily followed his eyes, tilting her head back and realizing that the ceiling was covered in lilies as well.

Oh, yes, she should have seen this coming.

"We should go to lunch," Lily mumbled, trying to suppress her general horror at this extravagant mistake.

"Oh yes!" Christine agreed. "Just wait until you see the Great Hall!"

Lily, holding her thoughts of pure horror barely at bay, managed to turn and start walking down the corridor. She may have even said good-bye to Flitwick, but she didn't remember anything until she heard a couple of younger years "ohhhh" behind her. She turned to face them, stared at the ground, and turned back around, her feet unable to move.

"Christine?" Lily called out to her blonde friend who hadn't noticed her stop.

"Yes?"

"Please tell me there isn't a trail of lilies sprouting out of the ground behind me as I walk."

"There isn't a trail of lilies sprouting out of the ground behind you as you walk," Christine recited.

"Are you lying?" Lily asked.

"Yes."

"I thought so." Lily shook her head and tried to forget to feel embarrassed as she continued toward the Great Hall. She should have gone to her dorm the moment she saw the walls and slept. She should have slept until the spell ended. But she was Lily Evans, and so she didn't.

The Great Hall was decorated with floating lilies. Everywhere. You had to move them aside to walk to your table. But, of course, every flower Lily touched turned into a yellow rose that croaked out a pathetic little recording: "Forgive me!"

Lily took out her wand and tried to banish the flowers, only to find them immune to that spell. So she summoned them and was surprised to see a dozen of them hurtle toward her, changing into a bouquet of yellow roses in her hand with a big, stupid, red and gold bow.

"Ouch!" Lily exclaimed dropping the bouquet at the thorns grew in.

"Oh, damn, I forgot to de-thorn the roses!" complained a voice sitting on the Gryffindor table.

"Sirius Black, what did you do?" Lily asked, walking forward, hearing the flowers sprouting out of the floor behind her. "And how did you do it?"

"I made you the world's largest bouquet of 'I'm Sorry' flowers," he answered, smirking. And despite two weeks of anger, Lily almost laughed. "As for how I did it, I had practically the whole house running around helping."

"Why?" Lily asked, uncomprehending. "Why did you do this?"

"I need you to forgive me." Sirius slid off the table and kneeled in front of Lily, summoning his own bunch of flowers with a bow. Lily noticed they didn't turn into roses when he touched them.

"And a simple, 'I'm sorry' wouldn't do?" Lily asked, but she knew the answer to that before his smirk appeared. No, a simple 'I'm sorry' wasn't good enough for Sirius Black. And, in truth, it wouldn't have been enough for Lily Evans either. The morning apology notes proved that. She reached out and took the flowers by the tops so as to avoid the thorns this time when they transformed. She looked down at those stupid yellow roses and smiled.

"So you forgive me?" Sirius asked, still on that knee. Lily shook her head at him, smiling slightly, sadly.

"This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen," Lily replied, "and the corniest. I mean, lilies?"

"Yes, yes," Sirius said, brushing her words aside, still kneeling, "but do you forgive me?"

"You lied and hurt me."

"I made you the world's largest bouquet," Sirius reminded her, smiling a huge smile, flashing all of his teeth and summoning more flowers.

"You broke my trust."

"I knew you belonged with him," Sirius whispered, holding up another bouquet. "You do. Trust me."

And Lily's heart melted a little right then, seeing Sirius's dedication to his best friend, his dedication to Lily. She looked around at the Great Hall, looked at all of those stupid, floating flowers and then back at Sirius Black, who had been doing nothing more than trying to help her and James.

"So do you forgive me?" he asked again, quietly this time, without the smirk. It took a moment to realize what this extravagant apology meant: it meant that Sirius cared about her good opinion as much as Remus's or Peter's, his best friends.

"Yes," Lily said as she realized the meaning behind his stupid actions: she mattered to him. A lot. "I forgive you."

He gave out a joyous yell and stood, picking Lily up and spinning her around. When he put her down, she wrapped her arms around him and gave him a real hug for a moment. Probably their first. She whispered in his ear, "Thank you. For everything."

"Mission Flowers was successful!" Peter announced, smiling at the pair. The Gryffindor table went wild, cheering like they'd won the House Cup.

"Mr. Black, what is the meaning of your blatant destruction of school property?" Professor McGonagall asked, pushing flowers out of the way as she came up to her house table.

"Destruction is a bit harsh, Professor," James answered for him, stepping forward from behind the veil of flowers that had been blocking him from Lily's view. "It was more like redecorating."

"You have illegally used magic in the corridors," McGonagall accused. Lily smiled and looked down at her bouquet. He had, hadn't he? For her.

"Do you have any proof of that, professor?" Sirius asked.

"Come with me, now. Both of you," McGonagall directed, leading the boys out of the Great Hall amidst cheering. Sirius and James grabbed a few lilies and mouthed that they were for McGonagall before the pair of friends bowed and stepped out.

"Oh my goodness!" "Are you dating Sirius Black?" "Are you engaged to him?" "He did all this to prove his love to you, didn't he?" "Are you going to have his babies?"

"Who are you people?" Lily asked, looking at the swarm of younger students that had flocked about her, asking such annoying questions. "No. What?"

And Christine was no help at all as all she did was leave Lily to the hounds as she walked over to the Gryffindor table and started to eat.

~*~*~

"Do you have ay idea how many times today I've been asked if I'm dating you?" Lily asked Sirius as the pair sat on a couch in the common room, playing exploding snap.

"I've started a rumour!" Sirius announced proudly, clearly pleased with his work. "Or, I should say James and I started a rumour."

"Why would you say that?" Lily asked, that tight knot of worry in her stomach whenever James Potter was the subject of conversation.

"Because he transfigured all of the candles into lilies and set the activation transfiguration spells on the flowers so that they would turn into yellow roses when you touched them."

"So he was responsible from the flowers that changed into roses when I touched them and poked me with their thorns?" Lily asked, shrugging. "That seems appropriate."

"But this was all my idea," Sirius said, sounding like a proud eight year old. "I'm the idea guy. James is the make-it-possible guy. Every idea guy needs one."

"Of course."

"Have you forgiven him yet?" Sirius asked, looking nervous, like he didn't want to strain their rebuilt relationship.

"I don't know. He doesn't get it."

"Trust me, he wishes he did."

"You know, the only time you talk like an adult about something, it involves James," Lily noted, watching the card castle-thing in front of her explode.

"Or McGonagall, the love of my life," Sirius answered.

"Well, yes, besides her." Lily laughed. It felt good-- great really--to sit beside Sirius Black in the middle of the common room, blowing up cards and laughing. She'd missed this, even though they had never done anything like this before. Maybe she had just missed him, which was odd because Sirius was a fairly new, if very overwhelming, friend.

But an orange-eyed lady had told Lily once that her future was tied to Sirius's. Lily had essentially ignored the woman's words, but something felt like it was clicking into place in this moment, like a promise fulfilled. Lily sat playing cards, revelling in her friendship and trying not to think about James Potter, but Sirius sat playing cards, promising himself he would never again hurt James or Lily. He would die before he let that happen.