Prelude to Destiny

Chapter 17

Flashbacks

"Lilee!" Oh how Lily hated Sirius Black's voice when he wanted to be annoying.

"Sireee!" she called back across History of Magic classroom, mimicking the way he said her name.

"I saved a seat for you," Sirius said, waving her over to sit beside him (incidentally also next to James, who was muttering under his breath at Sirius and did not even meet her gaze). Lily wanted to smack Sirius over the head. And then melt into the floor from shame and pretend like James could at least stand her.

"Do you remember that joy in my heart?" Lily asked Sirius.

"The one that overflows every time you see me or hear about Sputnik?" Sirius asked, a knowing smirk on his face as he raised an eye brought and shot a quick glance at James. Lily wanted to hex him right then.

"Oh, yes," Peter put in, looking up at Lily with large, innocent eyes. "I've heard about Lily's obsession with the Russian Muggle space program. You really have a thing for satellites, huh?"

Lily shot Sirius a glare, an accusing glare. He shrugged innocently back before patting the seat beside him. Lily put her things down on the desk next to Christine and walked toward him. There were still a few minutes before class started.

"Sirius, can I talk to you in the hall really fast?" Lily asked, smiling her deadliest smile and desperately trying not to notice the scowl that spread on James's face as she spoke to his friend. Like he didn't even want to be associated with Lily in the most distance of ways. Well, tough, Lily thought. You date one of my friends; I am allowed to at least speak to your best friend. Sirius smirked, stood and followed her out of the room.

"Is this the secret part of our bestest friendship?" Sirius asked in the hall, seeing that no one was out there.

"Yes, the part where I flick you a lot," Lily said, leaning forward and flicking his shoulder with her right forefinger. Sirius turned to stare at his shoulder with a look of abject horror on his face.

"What did I do to deserve that?"

"You told Peter," Lily accused, flicking him again.

"Smart bloke, that one. Figured it out on his own," Sirius said, shrugging. "Actually remarkable, that, as no one else seems to have caught on yet."

"Not for lack of you mentioning it all of the freaking time!" Flick. Flick. "The way you keep prattling on about Russian space programs might be a give away." Flick.

"If you'd prefer for me to use his name-"

"No!" Lily exclaimed, cutting him off as she lowered her hand to her side. "But why'd Peter have to find out? I didn't want anyone else to know. It's so embarrassing."

"You have no idea," Sirius said, smiling.

"Does Remus know too?" Lily asked.

"I could tell him if you want," Sirius offered. Flick.

"Don't you dare," Lily said. "Recently, we've had great patrols. I don't want them to become awkward again."

"Great patrols, eh? Does Sputnik know?" Sirius asked with a wink. It sounded a lot like a sexual innuendo to Lily, but with Sirius everything sounded like an innuendo. Flick. Flick.

"You've been harassing me about this since February- ever since you found out. Doesn't it get old ever?" Lily asked, her arms falling to her sides. Sirius just winked and walked back into the classroom. This whole situation was giving Lily an ulcer.

Sirius and she had gone on one walk together over a month and a half ago and now he felt it was his moral obligation to remind her of her crush on James at every possible opportunity. Especially in front of James. And if Lily wasn't forcing herself to be in complete denial, she would suspect that James knew exactly what Sirius was doing. But it was almost impossible for her to pretend that James was oblivious, especially considering the way he always looked so irritated when Sirius called Lily over to sit with him, to partner with him in class, to just walk over so that he could harass her.

It was obvious to Lily (though she was still working on the denial thing) that James knew what Sirius was doing and wanted absolutely nothing to do with her. Not even friendship.

Secretly, she was forcing herself to be okay with that because she had her eyes on a new bloke -- a bloke she was willing to tell no one about until she was sure she could like him without feeling overwhelming amounts of embarrassment. Well, okay, maybe she already liked him. He certainly wasn't the best-looking bloke in the world, but he listened, and he seemed to naturally understand which subjects she was comfortable talking about and which ones were awkward. He challenged her: questioned her beliefs, her positions of policy, and even her magical concerns. He accepted nothing and in return, Lily questioned him. Plus he could make her laugh like no one else.

Yes, Remus Lupin was looking better and better every day.

Truth and Dare had been discarded by the third good patrol, replaced by Lily's explanation of sickle bets. They had only exchanged a sickle between them. Needless to say it had passed hands quite a few times.

~*~*~

"So you remember our pranks?" Remus asked at the beginning of their patrol.

"Random question much?" Lily asked. It was the Tuesday after their first good patrol, two days after the stressful walk with Sirius.

"No. You told Will McGrath about them last patrol," Remus explained.

"Oh. That's right. Well, of course I know about your pranks," Lily said, playing with her favourite Muggle toy as she walked: a yoyo. Up and down the thing went. "Everyone knows about them."

"Do you enjoy them?"

"I think most of them are hilarious."

"Well, you know, we are pretty hilarious people."

"And humble too," Lily laughed, nudging him with her left shoulder as she continued to play with the yo-yo.

"You mean that wasn't just another un-thoughtful, conceited comment?" Remus asked. Lily almost stopped yo-yoing as she recognized the reference to the words she'd told James in Transfiguration two days before.

"Nope," Lily replied, "because I know you don't mean it."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I've known you for two years and that is the first time I've ever heard you compliment yourself," Lily said. "Thus it was probably sarcastic."

"Well, that's not really a good way to judge. I've hardly spoken to you in those years."

"Do you want me to think you're conceited?" Lily questioned.

"Nope. I was just checking to see where funny stopped and conceited started. Apparently you don't know either."

"I'll make you a deal. Any time I think you're being conceited or arrogant, I'll tell you so. Will that work?"

"It's a deal."

"Good. Side note: you are a liar."

"Liar? Me?" He gave her a horrified look. Lily laughed good-naturedly and looked at him, taking her eyes off her yo-yo long enough for it to hit a stone and fall limp on the string.

Lily, winding the yo-yo back on the string, said, "You sound just like Sirius,"

"Ewwww."

Lily laughed, letting her yo-yo drop again.

~*~*~

And during their third fun patrol (Lily was beginning to think of them as 3 W.C.--with conversation), they started playing Truth or Dare again for the last time.

"Truth," Lily said, as the pair began climbing to the Divination Tower where they had been assigned to start that night.

"How'd you do on the history test?" Remus asked.

"I did all right," Lily replied.

"That's not an answer," Remus protested.

"Yes it is. It's just not specific."

"Cheater." Remus was smirking at her as Lily turned to glare at him.

"Excuse me," Lily said, smiling, "but you're the one that manipulates the wording of the rules so often that it's hard for me to be sure that we're still playing the same game."

"And now you're just trying to distract. How'd you do?"

"Fine," Lily said, turning to look back at the stairs. "I got an O."

"What?" Remus asked. "Then why didn't you want to tell me?"

"I don't like talking about grades."

"But you have such good marks," protested Remus. "I don't understand."

"I don't know. It sounds like bragging."

"I asked."

"It still sounds like bragging, and I have no desire to sound like-" Lily cut herself off as they reached a landing.

"Like James?" Remus asked. And Lily was annoyed to find that with each patrol Remus seemed more and more able to understand her pattern of thought and finish her sentences for her.

"I wasn't thinking of him in particular," Lily lied lightly.

"Yes you were." And he sounded so sad that Lily looped her arm through his. It would have been difficult to decide who was more shocked by this random physical gesture: Lily, who was very unused to feeling so comfortable with a practical stranger, or Remus who stiffened, then relaxed and looked even more depressed.

"I know he's your friend. I'm sorry," Lily apologized.

"Why do you hate him?" Remus asked, turning to her. Lily laughed a self-mocking laugh and unhooked her arm from his.

"Obviously you haven't spoken to him lately." She looked away as she tried not to remember that horrible look on his face when he had found out that she liked him.

"What do you mean by that?" Remus asked. Well, if James wasn't about to tell his friend, Lily certainly wouldn't. It was bad enough that Sirius knew.

"Just that everyone likes James."

"Except you," Remus muttered. Lily nudged him with her shoulder. When he looked over, she smiled at him.

"I like you," Lily said, "and Sirius is convinced that he and I are secret best friends. Isn't being friends with two out of the four of you good enough?"

"That's only fifty percent," Remus remarked, seeming to force himself to sound careless. "If it were an exam, you'd fail."

"Good thing life isn't graded then."

"It isn't?" Remus asked, shocked. "I think someone ought to tell Professor McGonagall. She'll be terribly disappointed."

Lily laughed, turned to Remus and said, "I think we're going to be really good friends."

~*~*~

"But I'm sure I'm boring you," Lily said, finishing her explanation of the Mayan culture for Remus on the fourth patrol W.C. He'd made a passing mention of Mayans, and Lily had started rattling off explanations of their numerical system. "I'll stop now."

"You don't have to stop. This is interesting," Remus protested. "Much more interesting than it sounded in class."

"Well, thanks, but I'm sure you don't care about ancient numerical systems that much," Lily said, waiting for him to open the door. They didn't bother to keep their voices down. That way, if anyone heard them, they would run off and they wouldn't have to catch them. If the other students heard and were still caught, then they definitely deserved to have the points taken off.

"How do you know so much about the Mayans?"

"I know a lot of random things," Lily said. "My mum, in order to foster sisterly bonding, signed Petunia and I up for Spanish lessons when I was eight. We kept going for a long while, actually. Eventually, when we had learned plenty of Spanish, we started studying Spanish countries and their histories. Want to know anything about the Incas or Aztecs?"

"Do you still study it?"

"Spanish? No," Lily said, shaking her head and glancing out the hall window at the full moon rising.

"Why'd you stop studying?" Remus asked.

"My sister," Lily began, a smile on her face though her heart hurt, "didn't want to study anymore. Said she had too much real work."

"Oh. I understand," Remus said. And the thing was, Lily believed him. Honestly believed that he understood what it was to lose something you adored because it wasn't convenient for someone else.

"Anyway, I was always more of a dork than she was," Lily said, trying to return to light-hearted conversation.

"Do you two get along?" Well, apparently Remus did not wish to return to light-hearted.

"I'm set to be maid of honour at her wedding in July," Lily said, grimacing at the thought. How her mother had convinced Petunia (and Lily had no doubt that she'd been convinced) to ask Lily to be maid of honour, Lily had no idea. Petunia hadn't even written to tell Lily about the engagement. But still, Lily was sincere in her desire to rebuild her relationship with Petunia, even if the tone of her older sister's last letter made Lily want to rip her to shreds.

"You don't look especially excited about that," Remus noted.

"I am," Lily said. "It's just- complicated." And it was, though Lily didn't want to have to explain it.

"Always is," Remus said, reminding Lily of Mrs. Crouch talking about Christian. But more than that memory, Lily was filled with comfort. She really felt like Remus did understand what she meant: how easy it was to love and be frustrated by someone so much that it hurt.

"All right. We're done with that, let's talk about happiness: butterflies and chocolate," Lily said authoritatively, waving her hand at him. "In Spanish: Hablamos de mariposas y chocolates!"

Remus smile grew even larger, until it seem poised to overtake his cheeks and nose. Then he said, "Wouldn't right now be a great time for me to speak a foreign language?"

"Yes, do you know any?"

"No. I barely know English," he said. "I can't believe you randomly studied Spanish. There are spells to translate for you."

"Where is the romance in casting a spell to translate for me? Where's the challenge, hmm?"

"You're-" he cut himself off.

"A nerd?" Lily supplied. "Of course I am. Always have been. I'm learning to accept it. You ought to too."

"You're not a nerd, I never see you study."

"That's because we never hang out. I study for hours," Lily said. "I study Astronomy on Wednesdays and Charms all week."

"No. You don't understand." He paused and seemed to try to think of a good way to put this. "James, for instance, is a good Transfiguration student-"

"More like a Transfiguration prodigy," Lily corrected. "I've seen his work. Even McGonagall is impressed."

Remus looked at her with that look - the look that Lily was coming to associate with Remus: a mix of bewilderment and wonder, with just a hint in the furrowed brows that he was rapidly reassessing Lily and changing his opinion about her. Lily decided she liked that look.

"Well, all right," Remus started again. "He's a Transfiguration prodigy, but he studies it all the time. Or he reads about it, at the least. He loves it- working at it, learning new theories, reading articles in the Prophet about it. You're good at so much, but you don't seem to love anything."

Well, Lily thought, that's true enough.

"I'm working on that," Lily said.

~*~*~

"You saunter," Lily commented to Remus later on in that fifth patrol W.C.

"I what?"

"You saunter instead of walk," Lily said, "but only on patrols."

"Really? And I suppose you just walk?" Remus asked, exaggerating his leg and arm motions as he spoke.

"Me? No, no, no," Lily said shaking her head, and using her right hand to indicate her legs. "I don't walk. I'm bringing back the lost art of meandering."

"Meandering?"

"Yes. I feel like meandering was lost and now I'm bring it back," Lily explained with a smirk as she focused on the end of the corridor they were walking through.

"Like maraudering?" Remus asked. Lily's gaze flickered over to him.

"I'm still unclear about your strange obsession with that word, but no, not like marauderig. I'm neither looting nor pilfering anything."

"Ah. Good to know the distinction," he said seriously.

"Just thought you ought to know," Lily sang.

"Can I call you Meanderer?"

"Can I call you Saunterer?" Lily returned.

"I'm going to have to say no," he replied, eyes twinkling.

"Then I will have to say no as well," Lily said sadly, shaking her head. "It's too bad, though. We really could have used a pair of good pet names."

"Pet names?" Remus shook his head in horror and corrected her slowly, "Secret names. Code names. Anything but pet names. I'm a bloke for goodness sake."

"Oh, right. I'd forgotten, Sweetums." Lily smirked.

"Sweetums?"

"Oh, sorry, Poppet, do you not like your code name?" Now she grinned.

"Sometimes you confuse me a great deal," Remus stated.

"And sometimes you want to give me a present- a large white one with a big red bow."

"Oh all the time," Remus said sarcastically, but Lily saw that he too was smiling.

~*~*~

And then there was the moment the night before, when Remus and she had seen Mrs. Norris coming around a corner and Remus had leaned down and whispered in Lily's ear.

"Sickle if you tackle Filch to the ground." And the feel of his breath against her ear did marvellous things to the rest of her body. Oh her hormones were getting out of control.

Lily looked down the hall, back into Remus's challenging gaze, grabbed his arm and pulled him behind a suit of armour, quickly Disillusioning them both. And standing there, in order to fit, Lily had been basically molesting Remus. At least, she felt that way. He hadn't seemed to notice, but this was definitely as close as she had ever been with Christian and they'd dated for three months. Actually, that thought just made her feel pathetic.

But there had been no time to dwell on that as she watched Mrs. Norris pass by, eying the niches carefully. She panicked for a moment, wondering if she'd performed the Disillusionment Charm correctly. But when the cat kept walking she breathed a sigh of relief and Cushion Spelled the floor. And when Filch walked by, she took a deep breath and yelled, "Student out of bounds!"

~*~*~

Oh yes, Lily remembered. That had been a great moment. Not only had she gotten the sickle back, but the look of horror, admiration, and humour on Remus's face as he saw Filch scramble up off the ground made her smile even days later.

"What are you smiling about?" Sam asked, pulling Lily out of her reminiscent state of mind.

"Nothing," Lily said, "just something that happened on patrol."

"Remus still talking?" Sam asked, walking into the History classroom.

"Yep."

"That's good." Sam put her things down next to Christine, shoving Lily's things aside.

"Sam?" Lily said, pointing to her books. "I was sitting there."

"You were?" Sam asked, mock innocently.

"Christine," Lily said, catching her friend's attention. "Tell Sam I was sitting here."

Christine glanced at Sam and then back at Lily and shook her head, telling Lily, "She's looking at me in a really angry way."

"I'm looking at you in a really frustrated way," Lily informed her friend.

"Yes, but Sam's scary," Christine said.

Oh how Lily hated her two friends at that moment, Christine for obviously not feeling frightened of her and Sam for so obnoxiously smirking.

"There seems to be a place next to Sirius in the back," Sam said, sitting and pointing. Lily glanced back and saw Sirius ostentatiously patting the seat next to him. James, though Lily promised herself she didn't care, was still glaring at his book. Lily turned back to Sam.

"Hello, best friend?" Lily whispered. "Where is your supportive side? I can't just sit by him."

"I am being supportive. You're just too thick to realize it. I think it's time you started mending things with James."

"Mending what things? He hates me. That doesn't need mending, it needs serious surgery."

"Oh you and your silly Muggle phrases," Sam said, as if that had been the point of Lily's comment.

"I'm not the one that won't speak to him," Lily lied. She knew very well that they were both being equally uncomfortable around each other.

"Liar!" Christine said. Always on top of things, that one.

"Yes, Lily. You are lying. Go away now," Sam said loftily as she arranged her things on the desk. Lily briefly considered banishing all of Sam's stuff onto Sirius's desk but thought that would draw even more attention to an already awkward situation.

"Today we will be studying- aren't there enough chairs?" Oh great. And now Professor Bins was there.

"I strongly dislike you at this moment," Lily whispered to Sam and she picked up all of her books and bag - the mess that it was - and moved to the back of the room.

"What?"

"Nothing, professor. I was just saying good afternoon," Lily replied, putting her things on the desk and then sitting sulkily there all class as Sirius looked entirely too proud of himself and James looked depressed. Yes, Lily was definitely feeling irked with Sam at that moment. She scrunched up a piece of parchment and launched it at Sam's head from the back.

Unfortunately, Lily's aim wasn't too fantastic and it bounced off her friend's head and straight through Professor Binns.

"What was that?"

"A ball of parchment, professor," Lily answered. "But don't worry about it. I just felt like Sam really needed something thrown at the back of her head."

The stifled laughter to her left and right made her feel a tad bit better.

"Ten points from Gryffindor." Lily (and, though she didn't realize it, the entire back section of the class) turned to stare at Jodie, the Ravenclaw prefect glaring at Lily.

"Jodie," Lily said. "Sam really deserved it."

"You can't disrupt a class to settle petty squabbles." Oh, if there weren't three desks between them, Lily would have smacked the girl.

"Disturbed the class? This conversation isn't even disturbing the class. He just keeps talking." Seeing Jodie was unmoved by her speech, Lily looked at Kevin Creggie beside Jodie who shrugged his shoulders apologetically. Argh. Lily really wished History of Magic weren't a class everyone had to take, and thus a class they still had to share.

But Lily did not want to fight about it. Instead, Lily turned back to her parchment and began scratching out notes as the other students fell asleep. Lily always thought that was rather dumb. Sleeping only meant you had to read the book, something Lily adamantly avoided doing. Thus, she took notes and listened in class. It was practically the only studying she did for the class and she would not let some petty prefect take that from her.

~*~*~

But prefects seemed destined to ruin her week.

The prefect meeting had only just begun and it already felt like it had been dragging on for hours (days, years, decades, and lifetimes too). Diana was drawling on about something or other and Lily and Matt were playing a game of tic-tac-toe. Actually, about ten games of tic-tac-toe. Both had yet to win a game and both agreed that tying sucked. Remus had gone home again, though he'd promised Lily he would be back by the following night in time for their patrol.

"So does anyone have any suggestions?" Diana asked, opening the floor for all the prefects to speak. Matt and Lily turned to the group.

All around the table people were shifting in their seats. Diana had probably just asked for "fun ideas" that the prefects could implement that the students would enjoy. The purpose of such ideas was still lost on Lily, but she wasn't about to tell Diana she was an idiot for wanting to do something to make students happy.

"I was thinking about an all-school secret gift exchange," Jenna said, standing.

"The scale and our subsequent inability to control such a secret exchange would create havoc," Gertrude said before Diana could finish nodding her head in enthusiasm.

Jenna was not to be deterred. She suggested several ways to make the exchange possible- each of which Gertrude found fault it. This was definitely the most Lily had ever heard her speak.

"We could have a bake sale!" Jodie suggested, taking advantage of Jenna's disheartened look.

"Which would involve what?" Barbantio, the Slytherin male, asked. Lily was thoroughly and completely shocked to hear him speak. What was going on? She looked confusedly at Gertrude, who met her look with a challenge in her eyes.

Oh. Frick. Gertrude was volunteering information because she wanted Lily to do the same. Frick. And because Gertrude had done what Lily had never done - spoken up in these meetings - Lily knew she had to do the same. Frick.

"We would have different booths and things with cupcakes and breads and sweets that the students would purchase."

"Purchase for what purpose?"

"Well, we could use fake money," Jenna said. "And give the money away instead of points in class."

"So that the students could pay for food items they could pick up at any meal?" a fifth year Ravenclaw asked.

"If we give them money instead of points," a seventh year Hufflepuff pointed out, "then the house cup at the end of the year could be debated."

"And would we take the 'money' away or the points?" Kevin Creggie asked.

"This meeting is meant to be brainstorming. Let's try constructive criticism," Matt inserted.

A few 'constructive criticisms' later, Jenna's idea was gone, as was the seventh year Hufflepuff's idea of bring in a professional Quidditch team because they did not have the funds for it. The feeling that settled on the room was unnerving. As the group prattled on, Lily let her mind return to the dinner with Gertrude so long ago, the night after her walk with Sirius...

"You ought to speak in class," Gertrude told Lily after the two had exchanged 'pleasantries' outside the door of the Great Hall, where they met before walking toward the kitchen.

"What do you mean?" Lily asked, wishing that sometimes Gertrude could just be a normal friend that didn't notice the little things that other people tended to miss.

"In class, you never volunteer."

"I volunteer," Lily protested.

"No, you don't, not unless you're called on. In Transfiguration, for example, when McGonagall asked for someone to demonstrate the spell motion of the protective transfiguration, you didn't raise your hand."

"How do you know I didn't know how to do it?"

"Because McGonagall forced you up there and you proved that you knew not just the hand motion, but also the spell."

"Well, okay. You caught me," Lily mumbled, wishing this long day would end. She'd never felt that way around Gertrude before, but after that horrendous History of Magic episode with Jodie and then Sirius insisting she sit by him in Arithmancy too -- sit next to James and just feel worthless and like an intruder -- she just wanted to sleep.

"Why didn't you volunteer?" Gertrude asked again as they stopped in front of the picture of the fruit.

"I don't like showing off," Lily answered, though she was certain Gertrude knew her answer before she'd said it. Lily ticked the pair.

"It's more than that," Gertrude claimed, walking down the stairs. "You don't like showing people when you're just genuinely good at things."

"I'm not good at Transfiguration," Lily protested.

"You scored in the top ninth percentile," Gertrude said.

"Of all Hogwarts O.W.L.s?" Lily asked. She'd come to accept the fact that Gertrude simply knew some things.

"Of all O.W.L.s - at Hogwarts and around the world."

"What are you, a fount of hidden information?" Lily asked, more to distract Gertrude from the line of conversation than to receive an answer.

"My parents keep me informed."

"About me?"

"About all the best students."

"And I'm one of the best students at Hogwarts?" Lily scoffed, sitting at the table as the house-elves started covering the table in the best Italian cuisine.

"Yes, Lily, you are," Gertrude replied, deadpan. Lily laughed and waved her off. She wasn't in the mood to be falsely flattered.

"No I'm not," Lily scoffed. "I'm not very powerful at all"

"No. You aren't. But what you lack in power, you make up for in art."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Lily asked, pouting. "Why are we talking about this? Can't we just chat about the weather or the news? Hell, I'd settle for chatting about Voldemort. Just something straightforward."

"That protective transfiguration spell-"

"You know, we could say it's cold, the Ministry is having elections, and he's evil," Lily suggested.

"-involved converting both curse and charm magic into Transfiguration magic," Gertrude continued, pretending like Lily hadn't offered perfectly good alternative conversation topics. "I can't do that spell. Not yet anyway, and not until I study a lot more."

"Well, I did study a lot to do it," Lily said.

"Not enough to justify that level of skill. Quit degrading yourself, Lily, and accept that you are a gifted witch, with special abilities to manipulate magic," Gertrude said, picking up her fork and eating her penne rossa.

"I thought we agreed that I wasn't powerful," Lily commented, cutting her fettuccini alfredo.

"I didn't say you were. You don't have to be to be a formidable opponent."

"Oh eff it," Lily mumbled, realizing that he curiosity was peaked. "Could you clarify please?"

"For instance, Barbantio, my prefect partner, and James Potter are probably the two most powerful wizards in our year, but neither of them could have undone your spell."

"Why not? How do you know that?"

"Because McGonagall kept the stone you conjured and transfigured, and Barbantio and I tested it."

"Wow. You guys have too much time on your hands," Lily stated. "But that doesn't mean anything. It wasn't a powerful spell at all. Dumbledore, McGonagall, or Flitwick could have sneezed and broken it."

"Yes, because they are very powerful and skilled, but you do it naturally."

"Do what naturally? I still don't get it."

"Weave magic. Combine magic."

"Wow. Sparse with the language tonight, aren't you?" Lily asked, still annoyed as she twirled her noodles. "But what does weaving have that power doesn't? Nothing, because power is more important."

"No," Gertrude said, putting down her fork briefly and locking eyes with Lily. "While it would be ideal to be a combination of powerful and a weaver, both can be formidable weapons."

"Right," Lily said sarcastically.

"Imagine that a powerful wizard were to ward himself repeatedly, build a magic wall to protect himself, and reinforce those wards with more wards," Gertrude said. "It'd be like a wall around him that a powerful but unskilled magician could only pass by destroying all of them, expending quite a bit of their magic. Only then -- and only if the opponent still had magical reserves for this sort of long battle -- would he be able to harm that wizard."

"And?" Lily asking, twirling the noodles and lifting a forkful to her mouth.

"And you, though you aren't as powerful as that other wizard, would be able to manipulate your charm or curse or spell in such a way that it could sneak past those wards. It's like comparing a strong beater to a seeker. The first could do damage, if they tried hard enough, but the seeker wins the game."

"Wow. A Quidditch metaphor. I feel vaguely dirty."

"You are a natural seeker, Lily," Gertrude continued. "You have the ability to fly circles around your enemies, even if you can't produce a shield to withstand the power of their attacks. You don't have to. You can create other ways."

"And what does that mean?"

"That means that you can create spells that reinforce themselves, that can't be broken with sheer force, that have to be taken apart. You can create magical knots that have to be untied. Which is convenient, as it would confound a stupid, powerful wizard."

"Or an overconfident one," Lily said, thinking about Sam, Tracy, Christine, and the Game. "If I were to face an enemy that thought they knew everything I could do, that thought I was too weak to matter, but somehow hit them with one of these complex spells, they would be hurt because they wouldn't have known or even imagined that I could have done something like that."

"Correct," Gertrude said, picking up her fork and beginning to eat again, "but before you think that far ahead, you need to quit holding back."

"Aren't you just full of surprising orders and observations tonight."

"I'm not joking, Lily. Your house needs a leader."

"They have one," Lily said, thinking of James Potter. Even if Lily didn't (and she would swear that she didn't) still like him, she could see the way he collected loyal followers. She didn't understand it, why they would want such an egotistical leader, but she did see the way he could command a group. He made people love him. Lily sort of hated that about him.

"They have an incomplete leader," Gertrude pressed.

"What?" Lily asked, uncomprehending.

"You can't keep holding back in class, hiding your skills and hiding you abilities. Your house and this whole school needs a leader, and you have to be it."

"What?" Lily was starting to feel redundant. "Even if that were true, why me? Why not you?"

"I'm not a Gryffindor," Gertrude replied.

"What does that matter? If the school needs someone to lead them, let it be you."

"Lily, this is another instance when your tendency to believe all people to be like you hinders you," Gertrude said.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Not all people easily forget a person's family."

"That's just stupid. You can't judge a person by their family," Lily said, stabbing one of the pieces of broccoli on the side of her plate. "If you did, you'd have to think I was as Muggle as they come, and mean and horse-faced and selfish and- oops. I'm trying to be supportive. I like my sister. I do."

They sat in silence for a moment, stabbing broccoli and chicken, eating their different noodles.

"I wish the whole world were like you, Lily. I wish everyone were like you," Gertrude said so quietly that Lily wasn't sure she'd heard it. When their eyes met, Lily was surprised to see something like vulnerability there. But it was gone so quickly that Lily was sure she had been mistaken.

"I don't wish anyone were like me," Lily said. "Then everyone would be neurotic and jumping to all sorts of strange conclusions that have no base in reality. They'd be too loud and too mean. No one would ever shut up, and everyone would sunburn because of the light skin. And anyway, you hate me."

"I don't hate you, Lily. I hate the idea of you. But as a person, I respect you a great deal." Lily felt a flush of pride to hear that someone she respected also respected her. Then she processed the rest of her statement.

"What do you mean you hate the idea of me?" Lily asked.

"If Muggle-borns hadn't been admitted into Hogwarts, none of this would be happening right now," Gertrude said, looking down.

"None of what? The attacks?" Lily asked. "Of course they'd still be happening. Voldemort just wanted an excuse. He found it in Muggle-borns."

"But the purity of blood is the way he recruits. And it's effective because others believe it too."

"Others like your family?

"Yes. Like them and like others."

"Like Sirius's family?" Lily pressed, asking more than she had intended to. But it intrigued her, what Gertrude and Sirius had spoken about all those long nights ago.

"Yes."

"But he ran away from them," Lily said.

"Yes, he did," Gertrude said. "But Sirius was always a strange character, like a house elf that wants freedom."

And Lily didn't say anything to that, though privately she wondered if Gertrude also wanted freedom. If Gertrude was going to dedicate herself to Lily's "side" (an idea Lily tried not to think about; it was weird), did that mean that she too would be giving up her family? Lily couldn't imagine Gertrude giving up her family for anyone.

Lily didn't know much about the Slytherin, but she certainly knew what she valued. For Gertrude to turn her back on her family- it would mean she was risking shaming (and maybe hating) herself.

If this blonde haired, blue-eyed Slytherin was willing to risk so much, maybe Lily ought to think about simply raising her hand in class a few times...

Lily looked around at the group. They had been discussing various ideas that Lily hadn't even listened to, and all around the room they looked angry and irritated and tired. They looked nothing like the group of students Lily had chatted with on the train home at the end of her fifth year. What had changed so completely in those short nine months?

"What if," Lily began, looking warily around the table at the fifth, sixth, and seventh year pairs and McGonagall silent in the corner, "we did something like the bake sale and the secret gift exchange combined?"

"How would we do that, when both those ideas didn't work?" Jenna asked snidely. Lily looked at her in surprise. Hadn't they been friend, before the pressure of prefects?

"We could have pre-made pieces of parchment that the students could write on-"

"What a novel idea," Jodie muttered.

"They would write messages of gratitude to their friends," Lily continued. "We would have drop boxes placed throughout the corridors. The parchment will have a space for them to be addressed, but the message itself will not reveal itself until the addressee touches it."

"How do you keep the messages-"

"From being cruel?" Lily finished the seventh year Gryffindor's question. He nodded. "We charm the paper to reject any ill intent. Hex it maybe and let everyone know that it's hexed so that if people write cruel things, there hand turns blue and they are not able to write anymore. And the boxes reject those notes."

"There are ways around hexes like that," Kevin said.

"Not if Dumbledore casts the spell," Lily said, folding her feet under her so that she was sitting Indian-style on the chair, getting progressively more excited about this idea. "Diana said were could use any resources we wanted, and I think asking the headmaster for a minute of his time to charm a bunch of parchment wouldn't be a ridiculous request."

"I can't believe you actually heard what Diana was saying," Kevin remarked across the table. Lily smiled.

"I'm hurt, Kevin," Lily said, holding her hand over her heart. "I always listen."

Everyone smiled at that, knowing she was lying.

"Even when you look like you're building a miniature model of Hogwarts?" joked that seventh year Hufflepuff girl Lily knew so well. People laughed a little.

"I still want to know who ate that last castle!" Lily exclaimed, and this time people laughed loudly and the mood of angry resentment was broken. Instead of being a group of students vying for the prominent position in this project, they all worked together to make Lily's idea work.

How, Lily wondered, had she known how to do that? To break the tension, she meant. She'd always taken it for granted that she could control a room. It wasn't something she necessarily thought she was good at, but when she was placed in front of a large group, she knew how to get the reactions she wanted. Away from those large groups, disinclined to wanting to be the centre of attention, Lily had no idea how she managed it.

"Instead of having charms, we could tell the students that we will read through all of the notes to ensure that they aren't mean," the fifth year Hufflepuff girl suggested.

"Yes," Lily agreed, nodding. "That could work. We could have a night to sort them - maybe one of the prefect meetings could be dedicated to it."

"Always trying to get out of meetings, eh, Lily?" Matt asked. The group laughed again.

"Why do we have to sort them? Why not just have the notes deliver themselves after they're placed in the boxes?"

"Oh!" Lily exclaimed, really excited. "We could put activation delivery charms on all of the notes that pass into the boxes. That way, the notes could all deliver themselves in a single day."

"Which we would have to name something corny like Friendship Appreciation Day."

"Perfect!" Lily said. The prefects laughed again.

"Of course," Matt sighed, though he too was smiling.

"We'd have to make sure everyone received a note," Lily cautioned.

"How could we do that without sorting?"

"More spells?"

"The prefects could be accountable for a different group of students," Diana suggested. "All of you, and Matt and I, would be required to write a positive note to everyone in that particular group and send it anonymously."

"And if the designated group was a year and house other than your own, we'd all learn more about people we probably didn't know," that fifth year Hufflepuff added. Lily beamed.

"Wonderful," Lily said, "but I think that we should forego the charms and have the sorting, to ensure that none of the notes were tampered with. And I think that the prefects should hand deliver the notes so that no one charms a parchment to look like a note and carry an angry message. If we hand them to everyone, they'll know they're legit."

"And you'll be able to miss even more class," quipped someone to Lily's left.

"I never said I didn't have alternative motives," Lily replied lightly. The others laughed. "We could schedule the passing out times around people's schedules, if they want to avoid missing class or if they want to avoid the horror that is Transfiguration we could work something out. Only joking, Professor McGonagall."

And so the idea progressed. Not much later a vote was held and, nominated by Gertrude Wrightman, Lily was elected Head of the Friendship Appreciation Day Committee (a truly ridiculous title).

~*~*~

Lily was still thinking about the different details involve in the F.A.D. project when she arrived at patrol the next night, which accounted for her silence at the beginning and her shock when Remus began speaking.

"So what's this I hear about you being interested in the Muggle space program?" Remus asked, opening the conversation. Lily felt panic at the reminder and then relief as she realized that he didn't know. At least Sirius hadn't told everyone.

"Nothing. Sirius is going batty."

"Going?"

"Yeah, whatever. He is batty. He found out about this guy I used to like," Lily explained. "And now he won't shut up about it."

"Guy you like?" Remus asked. Lily looked over at him and saw his eyes shining with interest. Again, she chose to ignore this. Remus would never like her. Right?

"Used to like," Lily said, and then, admitting more than she had with Sirius, added, "Actually, it kind of hurts to talk about."

"What happened?" And when Lily looked over at Remus, though she hadn't wanted to talk about this with anyone, not Sam, not Sirius, not even her mother, Lily looked into Remus's eyes and knew he would understand.

"He broke my heart, actually," Lily said, trying and failing to maintain a light tone. Remus looked back at the corridor. The two of them had never discussed anything like this before. At least, not overtly, and Lily tried not to wonder what it meant that she trusted him. "He started dating one of my best friends and afterward he found out that I knew he knew I liked him, he quit speaking to me."

Lily figured Remus would be able to put it together, who her crush had been, but when he looked at her it was obvious he hadn't. He looked mad- mad in a way no one had any business being mad at their best friend.

"What an idiot," Remus said, sounding like he was cursing. Lily smiled at him and once again found herself initiating physical contact by giving him a one armed hug.

"Thanks," Lily said as she retracted her arm, kind of embarrassed about the amount of affection she had just shown. "So anyway, what happened to you?"

"What?" he asked, jumping.

"What's happening in your love life?" Lily asked again, trying to sound less like she knew his heart had been broken recently.

"That's not what you asked," Remus said, catching her lie like he always did. Lily was beginning to think he was a diviner. "You asked what happened to me, like you knew."

"Well, I don't know," Lily said, looking away from him- at the walls, at the paintings, at the ceiling. "I just assumed."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do."

"I don't know why I knew," Lily said again. "A bunch of things, I guess: the way you looked when I told you that story, the way you sounded, your body language."

"You're uncomfortable talking about how you knew that," he stated.

"It's weird to talk about. I don't want to pretend like I'm a Seer or something," Lily said, shrugging."

"That's awesome."

"It's nothing really."

"It is something."

"No. I just- understand people sometimes. This is so weird to be talking about."

Remus only shook his head as Lily walked up to a door and opened it, which she convinced herself had more to do with fulfilling her role as a prefect rather than just pure desperation to get away from Remus at that moment. Unfortunately, she still had to face him when she returned and boy was he looking at her in a strange way.

"What?" Lily asked, uncomfortable.

"Nothing. You're just incredibly..."

"Perfect? Amazing? Beautiful?" Lily prompted, laughing.

"Humble," Remus finished.

"Humble?" Lily screwed her nose up in distaste. "Didn't you hear any of my suggestions just now?"

"Yeah, but no," Remus began. "You would have laughed if I'd said any of those things, and thought I was joking."

"As you would have been," Lily said, not understanding. "No one really thinks they're that great. Well. Okay. Some of your friends do. But aside from them."

"I guess that's fair," Remus said.

"Hey," Lily said in a softer voice. "I didn't mean you. I don't judge you by them."

"I know." But still he didn't sound like he understood.

"So anyway, what happened with this girl you liked?" Lily asked, deciding a complete change of subject was needed. Remus coughed into his hand, looked at her with wide eyes, and then straight-ahead.

"Didn't work out," he said simply.

"Why not?"

"She's too good for me." He didn't sound self-pitying. Just honest. He sounded like he honestly accepted the fact that this girl was out of his league. It was just a fact of life, he seemed to imply.

"Oh puh!" Lily exclaimed, making a dismissing gesture with her hands. "If she said that--"

"She didn't say it, but it's true. I see that now," Remus said in that same simple, honest tone. "I thought for a while that she felt I was beneath her, and I set out to prove her wrong, but I'm coming to realize that she would never say anything like that."

"Well, that's a bit better. I've found that people who think they're incredible are normally trying to make up for something," Lily said.

"Actually," Remus said with a hint of irony, "she thought I was conceited."

"You?" Lily asked, shocked. "Obviously she's never spoken to you."

"Oh. She has. And she's right."

"Puh! She definitely is not."

"In any case, when she found out how I felt about her, she quit speaking to me. Avoids me like the plague.

"What a bitch," Lily said. Remus looked shocked and scandalized.

"You never curse," he said.

"Only when people deserve it," Lily said. "And a girl that avoids perfectly nice blokes just because she thinks she's too good for him deserve a good curse or two."

"I don't think she thinks she better than me, or anyone really," Remus said, considering, "but she does think I'm a jerk."

"And you just gave up?" Lily asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I'm not encouraging courting a girl that's so vain, but if you really like her, did you try to make her realize she was wrong about you? Maybe she's playing hard to get or something."

Remus laughed and shook his head, saying, "I don't think she's playing hard to get, but yes I'm a stubborn bastard and so I am still trying to convince her. Actually, I'm trying as we speak."

"Sent her an owl or something?" Lily asked, smiling.

"I sent her a friend."

"Not Sirius, right?" Lily asked, horrified. Remus laughed.

"I didn't send him, no, but I think they found each other anyway."

"You should watch out for that one," Lily cautioned, only half-joking about Sirius. "He has an annoying tendency to harass girls."

"And those girls have a tendency to start liking him," Remus said, but to Lily it sounded like a question, though she couldn't figure out why. She pulled a face.

"Really?" Lily asked. "Does he date a lot?"

"You don't know?" Remus asked.

"Well, I've only really begun speaking to him this year, a couple of months ago, actually. I was surprised he even knew my name, to tell you the truth."

"You've been in the same classes for six years," Remus said, laughter in his voice.

"Yes, but I mean, the only reason I knew his name was basically because McGonagall's always yelling it," Lily said. "She doesn't really have a need to call out my name in class."

"Sure," Remus laughed, "you're just the perfect, attentive student."

Lily smiled and said condescendingly, "No, no. I'm a wallflower."

"A wallflower?" Remus asked. "What's that?"

"A Muggle expression, I guess," Lily said. "The magical equivalent might be the Leaky Cauldron: eyes drift right over me."

Remus laughed again.

"What?" Lily asked, poking him in the side. He jumped away a little.

"Nothing," he said, shaking his head as the smile lingered on his face. "I've just never imagined that you could think you were a 'wallflower'; everyone notices you."

"Oh, puh!" Lily said dismissively. "Everyone notices people like Sirius Black and James Potter. Not me."

Remus shook his head and took a sip of his juice before addressing her, saying, " I've never met anyone like you, Lily."

"Yeah, well," Lily said with a toss of her hair over her shoulder, "I am pretty unique."

"But you don't even believe that! You think you're a bloody wallflower!" Remus exclaimed, his smile growing as if to express his sheer disbelief. It's like he'd only just realized the number of pieces that his favourite puzzle had.

"Would you like me to draw up a list of adjectives that I actually believe could apply to myself?" Lily offered.

"That would be lovely."

"Lovely?" Lily repeated, shaking her head. "We're going to work on you so that this girl of yours thinks of you and thinks, 'Wow. Perfection embodied.' And then you can ignore her and make her regret ever turning away from you."

Remus just shook his head and looked vaguely- sad? Frustrated? Angry?

"We'll start with eliminating the word lovely from your vocabulary," Lily began, and Remus laughed, as Lily knew he would.

"What about you and your bloke?" Remus asked.

"What about him?"

"Are you working on nabbing him?" Remus looked sickened at the thought, and he didn't even know who the guy was. Wouldn't he be surprised to find it was James Potter- his best friend, who had a girlfriend.

"Oh, he's a lost cause. We'd have to change too much about me. We'd have to make me cute, or at least pretty, to begin with, and I'm not very good at human transfiguration," Lily said in joking tones.

It took her a moment to realize that Remus had stopped walking. She turned to look at him questioningly. He was looking at her in a way that made Lily want to look anywhere rather than at him. And tears seemed to be nipping annoyingly at the corner of her eyes. What the hell?

"That's what you really think?" Remus asked. "That this bloke didn't like you because you're not-"

"Well, that and the girlfriend thing," Lily cut him off, not wanting to hear him repeat her insecurities. She didn't even like thinking about them, she'd only mentioned them because she thought he would take it as a joke. She thought the girlfriend comment, at least, would lighten the mood. Instead, it just made him lean toward her as she widened her eyes to keep the tears in them as opposed to her on her cheeks.

"Are you- um- you know?" he asked.

"I'm fine," Lily said stubbornly, understanding his unfinished and mumbled question. Honestly. Why was she being so stupid about this? James had lots of reasons not to like her- she yelled at him, she was too loud for him, she had been bloody attacked by the Dark Lord- okay, maybe that last one had nothing to do with it, but Lily liked having an excuse. But even with that excuse, she couldn't help but wonder if it had more to do with the fact that she was by no standard pretty or sexy or anything like that. At the very least, she could have been cute. Instead, she had large eyes, a large nose, and a large mouth all squashed onto a little face.

"You look-"

"Like I'm going to cry," Lily finished. At least when she said it, she controlled it. "I know. I'm being silly. Sorry. I'll stop now."

"That's not-"

"Help!" cried a voice down the corridor. Both Remus and Lily instantly turned, wands drawn, to face the scared little Gryffindor running down the hall.

"Christopher?" Lily called out. Remus turned to her in surprise, but she didn't notice as she was already running to meet the fifth year. "What happened?"

"It's Tom," the boy said, turning and running away from the prefects, leading them through various passages as he explained that his friend and he were out after hours, sneaking to Hogsmeade. They'd been drinking and when the staircase moved, Tom had fallen backward, sticking his hand in the sticking stair and falling off the bottom edge. Now he was stuck, midair.

While they knew what happened before they reached the area, Lily and Remus were still shocked by the sight of the boy, hanging. Luckily the stairs hadn't squashed him to death or anything. As she looked down at him, her hand automatically covered the place in her chest where it ached. Remus looked at her, but she was focused on the younger student.

"Tom?" Lily called out, standing at the end of the corridor, looking down at him hanging by his hand. Oh geez. She'd never realized how far it was from the top to the bottom of the hall. Was that what she floated over every time the stair detached?

"Lily?"

"Hey there, Tom," she said, trying to keep her voice steady. "Remus and I are going to get you out, okay?"

"But I don't want to!"

"Is he still drunk?" Remus asked Christopher.

"A little," the fifth year admitted.

"The first thing we're going to do is sober you up, Tom," Remus said, stepping forward. Lily reached out and grabbed his wrist, trying to keep him from stepping too close to the edge. He looked questioningly at her.

"Fear of heights sort of thing," Lily explained quickly. Remus nodded and cast the spell from where he stood. And then Tom started yelling.

"Shhh! Tom. You're going to be okay," Lily said.

"Lily," Remus said, turning to her, "I know how to detach his hand, but I need you to levitate him up so that he doesn't fall, all right?"

"Okay. I can do that," Lily said quickly, turning back to Tom. She was glad Remus was there. She had been thinking about places to find rope to wrap around the boy.

"Wingardium leviosa," Lily cast. Tom floated up a few feet and his whimpering lessened as the full weight of his body was no longer relying solely on his left wrist for support.

Remus crept forward and started prodding the step with his wand. Lily looked away, needing to focus on Tom and maintaining his height. She'd never levitated someone for this long before. Not something this heavy anyway. Well, all right, his weight didn't matter, but Lily's focus kept wavering to his real dependency on her. If she let go of this spell, he would fall a very, very long way. The thought of how much control she wielded over him made her feel physically ill.

"Done," Remus said, standing back up. Lily lifted Tom further until the stairs shifted into place with an almost audible sigh. Then she placed him back down, where he collapsed and started thanking them both profusely. Thanks came from Christopher too.

"You're welcome," Lily said, "and you're very stupid."

Both boys shut up.

"I mean, honestly. You could have died, Tom." Their faces paled. "I don't mean to scare you, but I do. Do you think that you could have survived a fall like that?"

"Lily," Remus began quietly, looking at her with frighteningly large eyes and Lily was shocked to find that she was crying. Oh. He must think I'm such a basket case. First the thing about how I look- oh gosh did I really talk about that? - and now this.

"Go back to Gryffindor right now," Lily commanded the two boys.

"Are you taking points off?" Christopher asked. Tom looked over at his friend with horror on his face, as though he was thinking what Lily was, Did he really just have the gall to ask that?

"Of course I'm taking points off," Lily said. "Second offence for both of you, so twenty points each right there, and another ten off for sheer stupidity in asking that question."

"That's fifty!" Christopher complained.

"The only reason you aren't losing a fifty each is because you had enough intelligence to at least find a prefect and ask for help," Lily finished.

"And we deserve it," Tom said. He, at least, had the decency to look horrified by what had just happened.

Tom, who was sober and looked honestly frightened, grabbed Christopher by his robes and started pulling him toward Gryffindor tower. Then he pushed him along and turned to address the prefects again.

"Thanks," he said, looking at them with sincere eyes. "I could have-"

"But you didn't," Remus finished.

"Still. Thanks." He looked at them both with horror and regret and guilt and blame all vying for top position on his face, before casting his eyes at the ground, turning and claiming the stairs. As he was walking away, Lily fought a battle within herself and finally lost.

"Tom?" she called out. He turned and looked questioningly at her.

"Yes?"

"Listen," she said in the calmest tone she could manage, climbing the stairs with Remus beside her. "It could have happened to anyone."

"What?" Remus asked, probably shocked by her abrupt change in attitude, but Lily just needed to tell Tom this.

"I know you know how serious this was," Lily said to the fifth year. "I know it scared you, and it scared me too, which is why I was yelling and everything, but it still could have happened to anyone. You're not the first to come back to school drunk. The stairs moved and you happened to be in a bad place. That's all."

"I made a stupid choice."

"To get drunk, maybe, but to fall down? No. That wasn't your fault."

"I could have grabbed-"

"No," Lily cut him off. "Listen to me, sometimes people are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. You could have made it back to the tower just fine, if the circumstances had allowed it. But they didn't. You helped things along by drinking too much, but you didn't make this happen."

"Thanks," he mumbled, before leaving them alone as he climbed the stairs and disappeared from view into a corridor.

"What do you know? The badges actually helped someone find us," Lily quipped, trying to lighten the heavy silence.

"You- you okay?"

"Yeah," Lily said, smiling without opening her mouth as she cast a look at Remus. "Sorry about all that. I feel like an emotional train wreck tonight."

"It happens."

"Not to me," Lily said petulantly. Then jokingly added, "Do you think that was enough excitement for one night? Let's cut out early."

"All right," Remus agreed. But as they climbed together he seemed to want to say something more. Lily looked at him with raised eyebrows and he finally said, "You know, that- that scared me shitless."

"Really?" Lily asked, surprised.

"Yes," he said, sounding surprised at himself for admitting this information. "My hands were shaking as I was working on the stair."

"I didn't even notice," Lily said. "I was too busy worrying that if I dropped Tom he might very well have fallen to his-- fallen really, really far."

"Yep, probably would have made a really big splattering sound." Lily choked out a bit of laughter out of pure shock. Had Remus really just said that? She looked at him. Yep. He had.

"That was a horrible comment," Lily said.

"Yeah, but come on. It was funny."

"Only because he survived," Lily agreed. "If he'd actually fallen it would have been kind of sad."

"But at least then Gryffindor wouldn't have lost any points. Can't take points off a dead kid or his best mate, can you?"

Lily laughed again in sheer horror. "That's terrible."

"Definitely."

But though it was terrible, it had also let Lily smile again and made the whole situation feel a little more distant. In fact, the more Lily thought about it, the funnier it seemed. The kids had been so drunk that he gotten stuck between the stairs and the wall. Lily knew Tom pretty well. The thought of him acting less than proper was funny in and of itself. For him to be pissed was fantastic.

"Just out of morbid curiosity," Remus began as the pair drew closer to the tower, "does your chest still hurt?"

"What?" That certainly hadn't been what she'd expected.

"Earlier, you were holding your chest like it hurt," Remus explained.

"Oh. Well. Yes, it did."

"Does it do that often?"

"Not really, no."

"Which is Lily-Speak for maybe three or four times a day," Remus interpreted. Lily nudged him with her shoulder.

"No, Mr. Detective. It only hurts when I do something stupid like run through several corridors and up a couple flights of stairs. Pomfrey said even that'll stop completely within the year."

"Within the year?" Remus exclaimed. "What couldn't she fix?"

"Well, it wasn't her. It was the healers at St. Mungo's after the Ball." Lily had never mentioned this to Remus before. Never mentioned this to anyone, actually, but it seemed natural to keep going. There was that feeling, still, like he understood. "From what Pomfrey could gather, the first curse that hit me caused my natural magical protection to waver so the second one actually reached my ribs and was still affecting them. The healers were so concerned with patching up the collapsed lung and broken ribs that they didn't think to check the bones for lingering damage. Pomfrey did, but said the spell had been there so long that it was going to take a lot longer to heal."

"What curse was it, to hurt you like that?"

Lily shrugged, "Something dark. It doesn't really matter. It hurt me, whatever it was, but now it's getting better."

"Aren't you angry?"

When Lily opened her mouth to reply, words seemed to fail her. She'd been prepared to answer questions about how she felt, questions about what it had been like. Hell, she'd even been ready for a sympathetic non-comment from Remus. But was she angry? She'd never thought about it. Sam and Tracy had asked if she was sad. They'd wanted her to cry. Dumbledore had told her to remember it all. The Inquisition wanted her to remember and move on. Gertrude had made her admit and realize she had no right to feel guilty. Everyone else just seemed to want to forget that it happened.

But did it make her angry?

Lily was surprised that she was angry. Very angry.

"Yes," Lily said wonderingly. "It does make me angry. Really angry."

"Good."

"Good?" Lily repeated, seeing the Fat Lady and trying to prolong this conversation. "Why good?"

"It's better than sad," Remus replied, shrugging. "Angry means you don't think you deserved it. Angry means you think something ought to be different."

Lily thought about that for a moment, then turned away and nodded, "I guess it does. But let's talk about something different. How about the Quidditch game this weekend? You going?"

"Of course."

"Why don't you and your friends sit with mine?" Lily asked in what she hoped to be a casual tone.

"What?"

"Sit with us. We'll all cheer like mad for James and Tracy zipping around up there, Sirius'll harass me a bit, Peter will help, and you can smack the back of their heads for me."

He looked pained, even as he forced a smile onto his face and said, "Actually, we kind of have a secret tradition that we can't break."

"Oh," Lily said, hurt by his obviously stupid excuse.

"It's not that I don't want to."

It's just that you don't want to, Lily thought.

"You know what?" he said. "It's not that big of a tradition, and I'd really like to sit by you."

"You don't have to," Lily said. She'd meant this to be an offhand suggestion, one that he could decline without problem. Still, though, it hurt to hear no.

"No," he said, looking terribly sad, "I would love to sit by you."