Even If

Stranded in the middle of a hurricane,

I´ve got an umbrella but nowhere to stay.

I hate this feeling. Like I can´t go anywhere, do anything. I´m stuck. All of my options have been blocked off before I can event think of them! I´m just kind of here, very vulnerable and very tense. Very alone. Kind of like right now.

Right now? Okay, so I´m not alone. I´m on my own, though. And, oh, I´m just surrounded by Death Eaters, and I mean surrounded. They´re above me, beside me, behind me, and below me. Mental note: never get surrounded on a rafter again. But why didn´t I say in front of me? Because the only one in front of me is Voldemort. What fun. I´m thrilled. More like not really ready.

And what do I have with me? My wand. Yep. That´s it. Just my wand. I feel like such an idiot. Of course, I didn´t bring a portkey with me. Of course, I didn´t tell anyone where I was going. Of course, I just had to use the invisibility cloak. Of course, I just had to drop the invisibility cloak off behind me. Of course, I don´t bring a backpack with any useful stuff in it. Of course I had to go out on my own to `find myself´. Well, I certainly found something, though I do hope it´s not me. Or, more correctly, that `something´ found me. I sure wouldn´t go looking for Snake Eyes there. Hey, I´m not Harry Potter. I´m not looking for this lunatic.

Right now, everything seems really, really, REALLY hopeless.

Do I give up now or do I face the cold?

Well, if it´s hopeless, I should just let him kill me, right? But then, what about my wand? I mean, I can try. Can´t I? I have a chance, don´t I? DON´T I?!

I better get some boldness.

Okay, time to open my eyes. Let´s see what´s there...okay, time to close my eyes. Did I just see a BASILISK over there!? I thought they were afraid of heights!!! Drat. There goes the last of my hopes. Dashed onto rocks like the waves onto cliffs. Ooh! I just made an analogy! Okay, I´m going nuts over the tension. I´ve gone over the deep end of the cliffs...but if I recognize it, does that mean I´m really that nutty?

Lookin´ to the left I see it coming.

I´m all alone and I´m scared and it´s heading my way.

Great. It´s coming towards me. In mid air! This is definitely an unfair advantage. I should be able to fly around, too. Drat Voldemort! He had to give that think some type of potion to fly, didn´t he?

It´s coming closer. I feel really, really small now. And Mum always said I was tall! Thanks, Mum. Wait...what am I saying?! I´m really losing it.

Do I run, do I hide, do I dare close my eyes,

Do I face the fear inside?

This is great. Just great. I´m surrounded by Death Eaters, Voldemort, and a basilisk. I could use a portkey right about now. I hate this feeling. It´s like it´s covering me, surrounding me, smothering me. I hate fear. I hate the affect it has on me. I hate its smell. I hate its easy grasp over me. I wish it would go away.

Well, I can´t hide. I can´t run. I think I might close my eyes right now. This is getting way too unnerving. I can´t take this much longer! I think I might go nuts! Then again, I might have already...oh, why am I thinking this? I´ve gotta do this. I´ve gotta get out of this. I´ve gotta get out of here. But I´m too scared to even move right now. I´ve gotta snap out of this. Get a grip!!!

Time after time I´ll keep running back,

Keep running back...

Okay. I´ve gotta hold out. Maybe there´s hope. I´ve gotta do this. For Angelina. For our future together. For us. For the family we´re going to have. I need to see my ring just one last time. If I´m going to die, I´m going to die with our promise in sight and her name on my lips. I´ll always run back to her and the memories we have of each other...that is, if I have another chance to.

I realize this time that I´ll be fine.

And if this thing never ends, I´ll be okay. I´ll have my Angelina. Okay, just keep thinking of Angelina. Just keep thinking of Angelina...like that one time when we snuck out of potions together and sat by the lake. Oh, it was a beautiful day! If only we were there right now...

Enough of these thoughts. Time to fight. Time to stand up for what´s mine.

Even if the stars fell like rain,

Even if tomorrow never came,

Even if the world I know should crumble,

Nothing´s gonna stand in my way.

This is it. There it is, just waiting for me to make the first move. Voldemort must be having fun watching. Well, I hope he has fun watching his little pet die a death like none other!

Okay, Weasley, you better know what you´re doing. Remember all the spells you´ve been taught...remember...what was that one again? Wait...the...umm...oh, I can´t forget now!...that´s it!

Drat. The stupid thing had to move! Get back here, you little...okay, maybe not little...big overgrown garden hose!!!

Even if the sun left the sky,

And even if these tears never dry,

Even if the mountains fall and tumble

If what´s left of me is taken

I will not be shaken.

Okay, Weasley, get a grip. You´re not dead yet. Your head just hurts as if a Norwegian Ridgeback just jumped on it, that´s all. And what´s up with the...wait a second...what´s going on here?! I´m supposed to be fighting the overgrown hose, not sitting here in the dark! Hey! And what´s the chain for...oh. Great. He didn´t kill me. He just took me prisoner. But why? He should know that I´m not going to squeal or anything. He´ll kill me before he does that. Actually, he´d kill me after I´d turned informant, anyway...

Okay, way too many morbid thoughts there. Morbid. Sounds like something Percy would use. Eww. Mental note: never use the word `morbid´ again. Okay, now that that´s done, I can think of some way to get myself out of this whole mess. Should be interesting, to say the least. Well, I can´t see anything. It´s too dark for that. And they took my wand, most of my clothes, and...my ring?! Those dirty, bloody...grr...I can´t believe they took that! Actually, I can believe it, but I really don´t want to right now. Gotta keep my anger raging if I´m going to survive this one, won´t I? Yep. Suppose I will. Suppose I will. Can´t think of any other way, really. That´s gotta be it. I suppose so, at least.

I wonder how long I´ve been in here? I wonder how long I´m going to be in here? I wonder if I´ll get anything to eat, or if they´ll try to starve me to make me talk. Or maybe he´s just using me as bait. Maybe for Harry. We have grown very close lately, after Ron...well...left us...

Drat. I can´t start crying now! Mum would have a fit if she knew I don´t have my hankie with me!

Landed in the middle of a desert,

And I´m wondering why; what keeps me alive

When the water I drink and the air that I breathe is dry.

How long have I been here? I think I´m going to go nuts soon if I don´t hear any sounds other than screams! I´m just surprised they haven´t come in for me more than they have. I suppose that´s how the enjoy themselves. That, or they´ve been told by Voldemort that I need to be in one piece as long as possible. At least I still have all my fingers and toes. That´s a good sign. I hope.

Why am I still here? I must have been here for a month! I´m still surprised I´m still alive. It´s amazing to still be in the land of the living. I wonder why. I just wonder why. Why me? Why not someone else? Why has he chosen me? And why am I still alive? Shouldn´t I have died from lack of nourishment and clean water long ago? Doesn´t that make more sense? I don´t understand. I thought I should have left this world long ago, after what´s been going on. It just doesn´t make sense!...

Oh no. I shouldn´t have pounded on the walls so loudly. I can here them coming. Oh, I hate those footsteps!

Time after time I´ll keep running back,

Keep running back...

Oh no. I recognize that voice.

"Ah, it seems like Mr. Weasel does not enjoy his time here. He wants out, does he? Don´t we give you a place to stay, food to eat, water to drink? Are you not satisfied here?" I can hear the menace in his voice, the horrible sound of his wicked smile and mirthless laughter inside of him. I feel sick just thinking about it. "Do we need to be taught a lesson in manners?" Here we go again. I should have known. I´ve gotta stop doing...

The pain...the pain...tearing....my body......the...the hurt......can´t...can´t take...much more...much more of this......

I realize this time that I´ll be fine.

Well, I´m now at that stage when I´m going in and out of consciousness. Good. No more pain. Just memories...

Angelina. Remember how we´re going to have kids? And the house we´ve picked out for ourselves? Oh, we just had our honeymoon. Remember our dreams? Remember the song we danced to at our wedding? It was beautiful, wasn´t it? Of promises made and planned about and hopefully kept. Yes, remember? If you don´t, I´ll remember for you. I´ll remember for you, my dear. I have nothing else to do here but remember. Remember that time when I told you I needed to find myself before I could go on with the marriage? What a fool I was! I can still remember the pain in your eyes, but I also remember the quiet understanding. You always understood me like no one else did, Angie. You always were there when I needed you most. That was my favorite part about you, Angelina. My little Angie. You always waited for me. Even when I wasn´t ready, you stood by, waiting. Even when you were asked to marry Jonathan, the top Auror of the day, you didn´t. You refused. For me. And I´ll never forget that, either, Angie. No matter what they do to me, I´ll never forget. You´ll always be mine. You know that. I´ll never forget you, in all my life. You are so special, my little Angie. Please, don´t forget me. Don´t forget what we were before I had to `find myself´ and go away. Remember our honeymoon. Remember all the times we had together, a happy couple. Just remember me. I remember you. Then again, how could I forget you? ...

I think it´s time for a little nap...

Even if the stars fell like rain,

Even if tomorrow never came,

Even if the world I know should crumble,

Nothing´s gonna stand in my way.

Even if the sun left the sky,

And even if these tears never dry,

Even if the mountains fall and tumble,

If what´s left of me is taken,

I will not be shaken.

Oh, I hate it when I wake up after a beating. It´s always so painful, so tiring. I feel so empty inside. Like a sack of potatoes without the potatoes. I hate this feeling. I wish it would just go away...

Oh, damn. What´s going on here? I never scheduled an appointment with him, now, did I? Nope. So what´s he doing in my cell? Odd, how I call this cell mine. I told you I´m losing it. And look. Now I´m talking to myself. Great. Just great. I´m turning into a nutcase right in front of Voldemort. This is exactly how I wanted it to be. NOT!

"Ah, Mr. Weasley, it is good of you to join us. Tell me, how are you?"

"Horrible, thank you. Yourself?" I can hear the hatred dripping from my voice. Good. I´ll let it gush out later.

"Wonderfully, thank you for asking. And, by the way, I just heard word of your family. They´re in hiding somewhere in Greece. And your wife, Angelina, went with them." I sighed. "With Jonathan, her new husband."

No. No. No way she´d do this to me. He must be lying. He must be trying to psyche me out. I told him that, too.

He laughed. "Oh, no, my dear boy! She´s gone. Forget about a family. Not that you had a chance to begin with, that is." Boy, had he hit a sore spot. He knew too much. He knew way too much about me and my personal life. And I knew he was lying. How could he not be? He must be. That´s the only plausible reason I can think of. He wouldn´t be doing this to me for any other reason. No other reason...

"You want proof, do you?" I swear, he can read minds. "Very well, then; Malfoy, come here a few moments and show Mr. Weasley what they are doing right now."

Lucius Malfoy came in, cowering before his `master´. "Of course, Master. Pick Weasel off the floor." I could feel hands roughly grabbing me off of the floor. I was being lifted off of the floor and onto my feet. I couldn´t stand on my own. "Look into the pot, Weasel, and see what´s before you," he ordered. I hate to be ordered around, especially if I´ve got a headache, but my curiosity got the better of me. I looked.

I wish I hadn´t looked. I saw Angelina with Jonathan, sitting next to each other, watching the sun set. I was about to throw up. They were kissing. Ugh. How could she have done this to me? How could she have let go of hope? My love! How!? How! Just how!?

Even in the darkest night,

I know it´ll be all right.

The world is bound to change.

Voldemort looked at me pointedly. I must have shown emotion on my face. He paused, then said, "You know, I´m always looking for new recruits. You could always join me. I could use a good strategic planner. Just to help me out, you know. Just for a little reasoning. After all the pranks you have succeeded in, you must know much about stealth and strategy. Why don´t you help me out? I can try to locate Jonathan for you, if you´d help me strategize. Then you could take your revenge."

How tempting. How marvelously tempting. But how could I trust him? I mean, look what had happened to all the others that had trusted him? Either they died or they were in an insane asylum. No way. Wait...I couldn´t even trust him for that image he made! He must have made it with his dark magic! That must have been it. What other explanation is there?

"If you´re worried I´ll hurt your family or Angelina, don´t worry; you have my word on it that I´ll not harm them." For once, he had read my mind wrongly.

"How can I trust your word on anything?"

"Ah, an astute mind. Very good! Well, then, what if I sweeten the deal. Once we locate Jonathan, and you do only three things I ask of you, you may go. We´ll never see each other again. I won´t harm any of your family. If I win the war, nothing will happen to you. If your previous side wins the war, nothing will happen to you, either. It´ll just be a little obscure fact that has faded into the past. How´s that, my boy?" he asked. He sounded like Satan tempting me from the hilltop. Then again, he was. He was. And I knew what I had to say, even though all hell would fall on me for it.

Even if the stars fell like rain,

"Of course...not." I could feel my blood begin to heat. "I could never do that, Voldemort. I could never believe you."

Even if tomorrow never came,

"I could never live with myself if I did. I must refuse your offer."

"I would think again, my boy. This is a once-in-a-lifetime offer. And I mean once." I could see the cold gleam in his eyes.

"Sorry. Nope. I have a prior engagement. If she´s left, and she´s living her life, I will not begrudge her. I want her to be happy. If she´s happy with Jonathan, so be it."

And all hell did break loose.

Even if the world I know should crumble,

He went livid. At least, I think he came to as close to turning red as an albino can. "MALFOY!!!"

"Y-yes, M-master? Wh-what is it you w-wish of m-me, M-master?"

"Kill him, but have some fun, first." And with that, he swept into a corner to watch. "I want some excitement."

Nothing´s gonna stand in my way.

He smiled. No; he grinned an awful, sickening, twisted grin. I felt like I was going to throw up. He was disgusting to watch. I couldn´t stand much more of it. But I didn´t have to worry about that.

"My pleasure, Master," he said, a smile in his voice. And so it began. The pain. The horror. The taunting.

Even if the sun left the sky,

God, did it hurt. It hurt like nothing I´ve ever felt before. I felt like my soul was being burned, and my body was being pricked by millions of microscopic yet finely sharpened needles. It was excruciatingly painful to bear. It lasted too long.

And even if these tears never dry,

I could feel something warm yet wet on my skin. It was either my blood or my tears. I didn´t want to think about which one it was. Most likely, it was both.

Even if the mountains fall and tumble,

I was losing it. I couldn´t take much more. This was it. This was it. This was my time.

If what´s left of me is taken,

And suddenly, I felt no more pain. It was a nice relief. I figured I must have been made unconscious again. Good. Then I didn´t have to bear any more. Good. I could be in sleep again. I could get away from the pain for a while. Except, I woke up too soon, and found myself clothed and without pain. And it was light. There was something wrong. I wasn´t there anymore. I wasn´t anywhere I could remember. This wasn´t right. This didn´t seem natural. There was something wrong. Totally wrong. Or maybe, it was right.

I will not be shaken.

"Welcome to paradise!" I jumped from the voice that boomed beside me. The voice chuckled, then came close to my face. I could distinguish who it was...Ron?!

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh, waiting for everyone else to die."

"What?!" He chuckled again.

"Fred, it´s good to see you!" He then took me up in this huge hug I never thought he´d have been able to have done before. It was really, really tight, yet not enough to hurt me. Odd. He looked at my face and stopped laughing. "You don´t understand, do you?"

"Understand what?"

"That you´re dead."

Okay, that was way too much for me to take right then. This was too much. I needed some time to wake up from this horrible dream and go back to living with Angelina, making up and buying that house and having a family.

"Fred, you´re dead. You´re in heaven. Don´t you understand? You died at the hands of Lucius Malfoy, and now you´re here...Fred? Hello? Fred? Heaven to Fred? Do you read?"

I looked at him, and suddenly, it sank it. I wasn´t alive. I was dead. I was gone from earth. I had spent my last days on earth in a cell. That wasn´t exactly what I had hoped for...I would have rather died in battle or something more like that.

I looked around me. There was nothing but light all around. People were playing Quidditch without brooms. The bludgers only hit lightly, making people go a bit off course. And everyone won. I´m not sure how or why, but they all won, somehow. I was very confused.

"This is heaven?" I asked, very surprised.

"Yep. Well, actually, you can make heaven different if you want to. Just think really hard, and it will change." I looked at him funny. All he did in response was laugh. This was getting irritating. But, for some reason, I could only stay irritated for a fraction of a second, and when it ended, I felt really guilty for feeling that irritation.

"Okay..." I tried it anyway. And it did change. It changed into Hogwarts. Of course. Ron smiled. "Wow."

"I know. That was my first reaction." There was a twinkle in his eyes. Reminded me of Dumbledore´s, strangely. "Make yourself at home. You´ll be here for the rest of your life."

"And that would be..."

"Eternity." I sat down on the ground hardly. It even felt like grass. It even had the atmosphere of Hogwarts. It had the same feeling. It was really freaky. "Oh, yes, and don´t be looking for anyone that hasn´t been created in your mind yet. You can´t create me, because I´m already here. You can create Angelina, if you want..." He began to trail off. "Well, Freddy, I´ve gotta be going and helping others with their first transaction. You´re taking it much better than the last person. It took me three hours earth´s time to get her settled and stop her incessant crying!!" And before I could ask any more, he left, a smile on his face and a laugh about to burst from his mouth.

Just like Ron to leave before explanations could come. And when did he learn the word `incessant´?

Well, now that I´m here, I´ve been looking around. I´ve created everyone from Hogwarts in my mind that isn´t here right now. I know it really isn´t them, but I feel better with `them´ here, I suppose. But why am I writing this? Well, I suppose it´s to make me feel better. To let out my feelings. I don´t know any other way to do it, even in Heaven. I´m just not ready for this Heaven stuff yet. I suppose I won´t be until Angelina´s here with me. I wonder if I can see what´s going on? I´ll have to ask Ron later on...

Enough writing. I´m getting too depressed, and depressed spirits don´t last long here, trust me.

And Angelina, if you ever read this, before or after you ever get married again, remember that I have always loved you and always will love you, and that I think I´ve found myself now. And I´m sorry.

You know how you´re unable to cry up here in heaven or feel pain? This is one of those times I wish I could cry up here in heaven. And, for some reason, I do feel pain. I feel it like nothing else right now.

Even if the stars fell like rain,

Even if tomorrow never came,

Even if the world I know should crumble,

Nothing´s gonna stand in my way.

Even if the sun left the sky,

And even if these tears never dry,

Even if the mountains fall and tumble,

If what´s left of me is taken,

I will not be shaken.