Hermione Granger and the Beginning of the End

"Come on, Hermione."

"No."

"Please?"

"No,"

"Not even for me?"

"Not even for you."

"I really mean so little to you?"

Hermione Granger let out an undignified snort of disbelief in lieu of an answer.

"I'm only suggesting this for your own good," Ginny Weasley wheedled. She was leaning comfortably against one of the bedposts at the foot of Hermione's bed, legs stretched out in front of her and crossed at the ankles. Hermione was sprawled out on her back, worn out from a day of N.E.W.T. classes and Head Girl duties, head on her pillow with one arm draped wearily over her eyes. Ginny leaned forward so she could shake Hermione's lower leg. "Will you just think about it?"

Hermione sighed as she removed her arm for her face and propped herself up on her elbows so she could look Ginny directly in the eye. "No," she said flatly.

"You'll feel so much better," Ginny pleaded. "I promise it'll work,"

"I don't care if it works or not," Hermione told her firmly. "I do not want to use any sort of magic to manipulate my emotions," She frowned as she scooted up higher. "And how would you know if it works?"

Ginny Weasley tossed her red curls over her shoulder and shrugged. "I've used it."

"What?" Hermione demanded as she sat completely upright, jaw dropped.

Ginny sighed somewhat impatiently. "Didn't you think it was a bit odd that I was suddenly able to not act like a complete idiot in front of Harry in fourth-year?" Hermione simply continued to stare. "Mum had been on me for ages to give it a try,"

"Your mum? Approved of you taking an anti-love potion? For Harry?"

"Listen," Ginny leaned forward. "You remember back before my second-year when we stayed at the Leaky Cauldron the night before term started and Mum told us that story about using a Love Potion?" Hermione nodded. "Well, she actually didn't tell you the whole story. The bloke she was used it on wasn't Dad so I'm sure you've realized that it didn't last. When she finally got his attention, she came to realize that he was quite a little bastard so she stopped giving it to him and blew him off but she couldn't stop," Ginny gestured meaningfully, "you know, having feelings for him."

"She still had feelings for him even though he was a bastard?" Hermione couldn't help interjecting. Ginny gave her a look and Hermione realized what she had been insinuating. "Oh," she said quietly. It was odd to imagine Mrs. Weasley as a young girl with those sorts of instincts towards boys and it was also quite hard for Hermione to comprehend being attracted to someone with a bad personality. Maybe it was just her, but Hermione always felt that personality was much more important than physical appearance. If she was judging on those sorts of criteria, her love life would have taken a very different turn for the worse. Or perhaps for the better.

"So anyway, Mum used this for a bit," Ginny held up the small container of thick fuchsia potion, "and a few weeks later, she was just fine." Ginny's fingers fingered the glass carefully. "And the same thing happened with me."

"Did it?" Hermione asked shrewdly.

"Well, of course they didn't go away completely," Ginny admitted. "But I stopped blushing and knocking things over and I was finally able to speak a coherent sentence around him, now didn't I?" Ginny leaned back and held her arms out. "And now look at me: I've been dating a great guy for over a year now and I'm really happy."

Ginny sounded perfectly sincere and content with her life but Hermione knew her friend all too well. She flopped back down on her bed and replaced her arm over her eyes. "And yet you still have to take that potion every so often, don't you?"

There was a moment of shocked silence. "Damn, you're good,"

Hermione's pleased smile was hidden by her jumper sleeve. "Hey, I know love when I see it."

"I don't love Harry," Ginny protested, sputtering slightly. "It's just a crush."

"A crush that's lasted seven years despite your two boyfriends," Hermione reminded her. "I don't think that your mum realized the depth of your feelings for Harry when she recommended you take that potion; I think she saw you getting so flustered around him and then being dreadfully embarrassed and she wanted to help." Her arm fell away from her face again and Hermione rolled over on her side so she could look at Ginny but lie down at the same time. "That potion may be able to suppress physical attraction towards another person, but it won't be able to stop love." She smiled ruefully. "Magic can't solve everything."

"But I don't like being in love," Ginny confessed in a small voice.

Hermione managed to stretch out a comforting hand and remain lying down. "Join the club," she said sympathetically.

"How do you deal with this," Ginny asked somewhat desperately. "How do you live with knowing that he's out there with someone else?" Ginny blanched when she saw Hermione's face abruptly stiffen and become much too blank. "Shit, Hermione, I'm sorry--I know you don't like to talk about it,"

"No, it's all right," Hermione reassured her although she couldn't deny Ginny's words had caused her stomach to feel as though she was reliving the hellish ride she had endured on Buckbeak's back in third-year.

"But you're so calm about it," Ginny pressed onwards. "I mean, well, you weren't straight after it happened, but who wouldn't be a wreck? But now..." Ginny risked a glance at her friend. "I mean, I think that you still love him but I don't know for sure because you two are completely normal around each other but at the same time I know how much you two meant to each other and I know that those sorts of feelings don't go away all too easily."

Hermione sighed as she sat up, tucking her legs underneath her. This wasn't the sort of conversation you could have while lying down. "You're right, Ginny, I do still love Ron and I have to admit that I did spend a great deal of time pining away for him and," Hermione let out a little laugh, "playing the role of the rejected, lovelorn lover. And I'll also admit that I miss him a lot," Her heart squeezed tightly at the memory of their brief time together but Hermione ignored it as always. "But in a way, I'm glad this happened, Ginny."

"Come on, Hermione, you don't have to lie..."

"No, I mean it, honestly," Hermione said earnestly. "It wasn't the most pleasant time of my life and I certainly don't fancy going through something as awful as that ever again, but at the same time..." Hermione shook her head as she tried to find the appropriate words, "I learned so much about myself in the process and while I thought that I could get through it, I never knew I actually could." A corner of Hermione's mouth twitched upwards. "I learned that I was a lot stronger than I thought and I figure that if I can get through losing the love of my life, I can get through anything--even a war," Ginny sighed at the mention of the war. "I ended up having a lot more faith in myself and in that way, I'm glad that I had this time to find myself, as trite as that sounds, it's really true."

"But you're the most confident person I know," Ginny contradicted with a note of surprise.

"You mean, I acted confident," Hermione corrected. "Why do you think I study all the time? Part of it is because I honestly love to learn and the other part is to be accepted and I had hoped by being known as the brains that I would feel better about myself,"

"Do you?"

"I do now," Hermione answered while nodding. "I think breaking up with Ron actually helped me grow up in a way so whenever I miss him or think about him, I just remind myself that I wouldn't be as secure as I am with myself if we were still together," She blushed slightly as she looked down at her lap. "Ron was actually right--we had come to depend on each other too much. He could tell me how clever and wonderful I am until he turned blue in the face and I would always blush and love him for saying it, but I never really believed it until now."

"There's nothing wrong with depending on people," Ginny argued after a pause.

"True," Hermione conceded. "But I was so unsure about myself that I was actually thinking at times that I couldn't survive Ron; I was basing my whole existence on him and while that's very romantic, it's not very practical."

"But you do still miss him?" Ginny asked after a moment of contemplation.

Only every time I breathe, Hermione thought but she only nodded mutely, still looking down at her lap.

"And that's why you need this," Ginny insisted as she once again held up the bottle of potion. Hermione opened her mouth to protest but Ginny cut her off. "Just listen for a minute--I'll only admit this to you, but yes, I'm still a bit in love with Harry and in some ways, I always will be. But I know now it's not going to happen," Ginny paused to wipe some dirt out of her eyes. "And I'm not as strong as you and I can't deal with my emotions like you can, because, hell, I'm a Weasley," Both girls laughed. "And although magic can't solve all of my emotional problems, it can certainly push me in the right direction." Ginny held the bottle out towards Hermione. "I know you're doing really well with the whole Ron issue but I also think you can do even better by getting over him completely--I mean, yes, no one wanted the two of you together more than I did and I totally agree with the general consensus that you two are made for each other but if he's going to be completely stupid, that's not your fault and he shouldn't be the only one who gets to move on and be happy,"

"I am happy!" Hermione protested.

"I know, but you can be even happier, because at the end of the day, when you're alone about to fall asleep, it's nice to know that you have somebody," Ginny forced Hermione's fingers around the vial. "I thought your somebody was Ron, but if it's not, then this will help you find that somebody." Ginny kept her hand around Hermione's. "So would you please just think about it?"

Hermione knew that Ginny wasn't going to take no for an answer so she nodded. Ginny released her hold on Hermione but she didn't look appeased until Hermione tucked the container into her pocket.

Ginny gave a satisfied nod as she rolled off Hermione's bed. "You won't regret it,"

"Hmm," Hermione said ambivalently before changing the subject. "Where are you off to?"

"Dean," Ginny replied as she went to Hermione's bedside mirror to examine her reflection.

"How's that going?" Hermione inquired.

"Fine," Ginny answered automatically. The fingers that were combing through her curls paused and she let out a little sigh. "He can be a little intense at times and actually," Ginny let out a nervous laugh as she continued to fluff her hair, "he's starting to remind me of someone which is actually a bit scary."

"Really, who?"

"Harry," Ginny revealed as she turned back to Hermione. "I just can't help noticing certain similarities between him and Harry--does that sound odd to you?"

"No," Hermione replied honestly. "You've always been in love with Harry so maybe you're either starting to fall for Dean and therefore seeing Dean as "Harry" now or you're so crazy about Harry that you're projecting Harry's qualities onto Dean and seeing characteristics that you want to see in your boyfriend but may not necessarily be there,"

Ginny gaped at her. "Damn," she said, impressed beyond belief. "How do you know everything?"

Hermione shrugged one shoulder. "My aunt studied psychology,"

"The one you stayed with this summer?" Ginny asked. Hermione nodded. "Ah," Ginny said with sudden understanding. "Thus the sudden Freudian analyses."

"Very good," Hermione praised. "You're obviously doing well in your Muggle Studies class if you can name one of the most famous psychoanalysts of the century."

"Keeps Dad happy," Ginny explained cheerily. "But I better go," She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. "Don't want to keep Dean waiting,"

"Have a good night," Hermione called as Ginny headed towards the door. "And thanks for everything,"

"Think about it," Ginny returned with mock severity before disappearing out the door and shutting it softly behind her. Hermione retrieved her Arithmancy textbook from her nightstand and flopped over on her stomach to commence her reading. However, after reading the same paragraph three times, Hermione slammed the book shut and went over to her window. She had been quite thrilled to discover that with the privilege of becoming Head Girl came the blessed relief of having her own room which meant no more late nights repeatedly requesting Lavender and Parvati to stop gossiping so she could study or get some sleep. It also meant that she could claim her favorite spot in these cozy tower rooms. She always loved that every room in the Gryffindor tower had these window seats that overlooked the grounds. Hermione never tired of taking a seat on the ledge with a book, a letter, or just herself so she could stare out onto the grounds that she loved so. Even after being at Hogwarts for seven years, the majestic castle, the glistening lake, the darkened tree tops of the forest, and the rolling green Scottish hills never ceased to amaze her. She had to fight her roommates for the seat every so often but now she had the comfortable ledge all to herself.

Since Hermione felt that she needed a good, solitary think, she decided that time on the window ledge was absolutely necessary. She first opened the window seat so she could retrieve a blanket and wrap it around her shoulders before curling up on the cushions she had sewed herself after finding out she had her own window seat. Hermione leaned her head against the cool glass and let out a long breath.

She was really happy with where she was; she honestly was. She hadn't lied to Ginny. She had meant every single word. The infamous breakup with Ron had ended up teaching Hermione a great deal about herself and she had undoubtedly grown from the experience. She had always been willful, plucky, and motivated but at the same time, she had also been dreadfully unsure of herself but by the end of sixth-year, she finally had begun to see for herself what others had been telling her all along.

But Ginny was also right; at the end of the day, just before Hermione fell asleep, she couldn't help thinking about what could be, what might have been. Even a practical girl like Hermione wanted love more than anything in the world and the fact that she had once briefly had that sort of love in her life made her desperately crave it even more. Yes, she had discovered that she could live life alone but it also made her realize even more that she didn't want to live her life alone; she wanted to share her life with Ron.

It was the little things she found she missed the most. She missed the way he used to smile at her. She missed how he would touch her knee or squeeze her hand whenever something upset her in a subtle but wonderful way to let her know that he was there for her. She missed how he would help her carry her truckloads of books or make sure that she wore her cloak whenever she went outside in colder weather. She missed that he would take care of her in a thousand seemingly meaningless ways. One of the amazing things about Ron is that he was there for her through all the very good times, the sort of good times, the somewhat bad times, and the horrible bad times. He was always there.

Hermione hoped that Ron knew how much she appreciated the amount of care he heaped onto her. She should have told him everyday how much she valued the attention he paid to her. It was really too bad that sometimes people like Ron were underappreciated. Because they're always there, they're sometimes taken for granted and it's not until their presence is cruelly denied to the world that everyone suddenly realizes how truly special the seemingly ordinary person was. You come to realize that they weren't ordinary at all; in fact, the seemingly most normal people are the ones who are the most extraordinary.

She sometimes wondered if the love she felt for Ron back then was a selfish love. Maybe she had loved him purely because of the way he made her feel about herself, that he made her laugh and he was the only person who made her feel beautiful. But that love for him had died and had been replaced with a different sort of love. Now she loved him because he could make someone feel that way, that he had that power. He was such a selfless, caring person that he could make the ugliest duckling feel like the loveliest swan in the pond. She understood now why Ron and Harry were such close friends; they were both just such good people. But in some ways, Ron was better because he could open up to people and share that goodness while Harry shielded his from the world.

Maybe that was the real reason why Ron had broken up with her; he was an empath. Maybe he had sensed her selfish love. Hermione shook her head and watched the smoke curl out of Hagrid's chimney. She hoped he hadn't; Ron deserved so much better. She sometimes felt like there were two Hermiones: the one before the first half of sixth-year and the one after. Ron's kidnapping and then their breakup had changed her irrevocably. She was basically still the same sensible Hermione but there was a new maturity, a new better understanding for herself and her friends that had helped her take the final steps in the extremely difficult passageway from teenager to adult. But now that she had made it through that bumpy road, some things had not changed a single bit. Well, that wasn't exactly true; now she loved Ron Weasley even more.

It did not make any sense that she had fallen even more love with a boy after they had broken up, but love wasn't exactly a sensible thing. She had once said in a fit of anger that she didn't think it was possible to love Ron even more, but she had once again been wrong. Not only did she love kissing Ron, spending time with Ron, and learning that she was willing to die for the prat, but now she was enraptured with his very heart, his very soul, his very being. And that was why she was willing to step aside and let him live his life the way that he chose. She wasn't going to chase after him, she wasn't going to try to win him back; she was going to remain his best friend because that was what he wanted and frankly, she wanted that too. Everyone needed someone as extraordinary as Ron Weasley in their lives.

But it was difficult at times. It was hard to watch Ron spend time with his new girlfriend, a Hufflepuff in their year named Daphne Greengrass. Ron of course was wonderful and tried to make Hermione as comfortable as possible but there was really nothing he could do. It was always going to catch her in that sensitive place under her ribs whenever she saw Ron kissing another girl.

It was much more difficult at some times than others. Right now, for example, Hermione was in quite a good place so she was much calmer about the Ron issue. Although she was rather tired and overworked, she was always the happiest when she was busy. Her classes were going well, there had been no bad news in the Prophet for over a week, and her Head Girl responsibilities had never gone better. Therefore, now that she was thinking about Ron, it hurt to think that she was never going to be with Ron again but she wasn't about to burst out into tears and bemoan the state of her life.

But she had her bouts of tears and grief over Ron. There had been the night when Harry and Ron had gone after Peter Pettigrew and she had no clue where they were. There had been the day she had left Hogwarts for the summer holidays and she had to admit that her parents had practically kicked her out. There had been the day that Percy was released from Auror custody due to lack of evidence and promptly vanished from the face of the earth. There had been...Hermione stopped herself when she sensed the first prickle in the back of her eyes. Needless to say, there had indeed been many times of grief over her loss.

And it wasn't as though she hadn't tried to get over Ron. Ron had a steady girlfriend, but technically, Hermione had been on more dates than he had. The only difference was that Hermione couldn't seem to stick with one person while Ron had asked Daphne out ages ago and that had been that. Hermione had several study dates and trips into Hogsmeade with boys from all four houses but they had only been dates. She had gone, she had some fun, but that was it. Nothing ever came out of it; she just couldn't settle for fleeting physical attraction when she had tasted how glorious true love was. It just never felt right.

Hermione glanced over at the top drawer of her nightstand. Well, there was always Jeremy, she reminded herself somewhat dully. Jeremy Bateman, the boy that had been forced down her throat throughout her years in the Granger household, had managed to bump into her in London that summer and since Hermione had been feeling a bit lonely, she had agreed to meet him a few times. She wasn't exactly sure that those meetings had constituted as dates, but her parents certainly had had a field day about them. The only letter she had received from her mother the entire summer had been to praise her excellent taste and her "sincerest hope that you're finally coming around to a more responsible, more mature way of thinking," Hermione had choked on her juice when she had first read that sentence with laughter; nothing could be farther from the truth. Her conviction to stay at Hogwarts had grown even stronger than ever.

Anyway, during one of their "dates", Hermione had explained owl post to Jeremy and a steady correspondence had been formed between the two. Ron had no idea although Hermione couldn't help being curious at the thought of how Ron would react when he learned that she actually had two male pen pals.

So she had tried to forget Ron--no one could accuse her of not trying. But nothing was working. The idea of holding onto these feelings forever did not exactly give Hermione the reassurance she was desperately seeking so that was why at this moment she pulled out the vial Ginny had given her.

What if it worked? What if she could actually forget about Ron for a brief bit of time? It wouldn't last forever, she was certain, but it would give her some moments of peace. Honestly, Hermione had been in love for so long that she was starting to wonder what it was like not to be so bloody crazy about a boy that you were willing to walk through fire for them. Maybe by forgetting that sensation for even a moment could bring her some closure. If there was one thing that Hermione was the most dissatisfied about the terms of their breakup besides the actual breaking up part itself, it was the lack of closure. Because without that sense of finality, she was just simply not able to move on. She knew that she just needed to speak up one of the many times that she and Ron patrolled together and have that discussion and then it would all be over. However, she never seemed to be able to summon up the courage to have it out with Ron. In fact, she had become prone to avoiding arguments with Ron because she thought it would lead to very personal issues that had become taboo. They never mentioned that they used to have a relationship; as far as they were concerned, it had never happened. She and Ron had finally gotten back to the place where they could talk about anything except their former relationship which at times was the one thing that Hermione desperately wanted to discuss the most. Hermione also knew that her reluctance to have it out with Ron could be due to her not wanting their relationship to have that closure because without it, there was still the glimmering hope that things could go back to the way they were meant to be. But if it wasn't meant to be, this bottle may be the only way to achieve that closure. It was not healthy to dwell in dreams or the past. The potion could finally help her move on.

Hermione stared down at the vial for another five seconds before making her decision: she opened the window and flung the vial out into the bitterly cold night.

The potion would help her move on, but in all honesty, Hermione wasn't ready to move on. Yes, it was not good to dwell in dreams but that statement applied to impossible dreams. If you had an attainable dream, a dream you wished for with all of your heart, you shouldn't obsess over it, but you sure as hell could hold on to it. Hopes and dreams made life worth living and besides hoping for the end of the bloody war, there was nothing Hermione desperately yearned for more than winning the love of her life back.

It may be an impossible dream, but not right now. Maybe she was kidding herself at times, but she could help feeling that there were moments when she locked eyes with Ron or when she was in trouble or when he needed her help that there was still that flash of mutual caring, need, and love between them. They were only moments, true, but they were still there. And as long as those seconds of hope still lingered, Hermione wasn't going to give up.

As Hermione closed the window, shivering slightly as the January air cruelly penetrated her jumper, she made a silent vow to herself. She would give it until the end of the year; she would allow herself to cling to her dream for six more months. But if they graduated and nothing had changed, even if the moments were still there, Hermione was going to ignore them. Only then would she give up and ask Ginny for some of that potion again.

But until then...until then, she was still going to hope that one day Ron Weasley was going to come back to her.