Heaven and Hell

Epilogue

(Valentine's Day, February 1996)

Afternoon slowly turned into evening, when, finally back at Hogwarts, Severus sat down in front of the fireplace in his private quarters. Equally slowly, the full ramifications of the day unfolded themselves in his mind.

The Dark Lord was dead. At last. Dead and gone forever. His Dark Mark was gone as well. After Voldemort's first downfall, the Mark had disappeared too, but it had only been invisible, Severus had still felt it. Now, it was really gone. For the first time in eighteen years, Severus was able to check his left forearm and see and feel nothing but unblemished, pale skin.

Without exception, the Death Eaters had been arrested and were now awaiting trial. Being caught at the place of the final battle against the Dark Lord, wearing their Death Eater robes and masks, they certainly wouldn't leave Azkaban again for the rest of their lives.

There was no need for him to stay at Hogwarts anymore, Severus suddenly realised. All at once, the wizarding world had been emptied of dangerous enemies who wanted to kill him. He could go wherever he wanted and do whatever he wanted. He was free. Ever since agreeing to work for Dumbledore, he had kept himself going with the thought that the day when the fight was over he could leave everything behind and start a new life. And today this day had come.

A chapter in the book of his life was finished, undeniably over. But as much as he wanted to, he couldn't just turn the last page and never look back. Not yet. There was still an unresolved issue, and it was related to Serena.

Ever since she had returned to Hogwarts, he had kept repeating to himself that she wasn't trustworthy. He had seen enough to know that she wasn't loyal to anyone except herself. Of course he had treated her accordingly, which ruled out any attempts at repairing their friendship or even coexisting on less than hostile terms.

But then Dumbledore had told him that most of the things he had seen hadn't been real. Last night, she had explained away everything else that had made him cling to his conviction of her untrustworthiness. And today, she had fought the Dark Lord without hesitation. She had saved Severus' life. She had shown where her loyalties lay, proved it beyond doubt. Perhaps it was time for him to admit that she didn't deserve his distrust.

His gaze fell on the box with Serena's possessions that still waited beside the door. The previous evening, he had got it from the loft of his house, but he had only taken the invisibility cloak and left the box in his quarters.

Severus rose from his armchair. It was time to give Serena her belongings back - and to give her the apology he had refused her last night. The sooner he got it done, the sooner he could finally finish off a rather unpleasant chapter of his life.

When he knocked at the door to her office, the box under his arm, nobody answered. After waiting a minute, Severus followed the corridor a few steps down and greeted the painting of Alberta Toothill, who guarded the entrance to Serena's private quarters.

"Good afternoon, Alberta. Could you please tell Serena that I'm here to see her?"

Alberta suspiciously eyed the box in Severus arms and disappeared with a frown from the canvas. Severus couldn't blame her for being rather cool to him - twice he had visited Serena this year, and twice it had ended in an argument and Serena practically throwing him out. Despite once having been a famous Duelist, Alberta preferred quiet and peace in the rooms that she guarded, and she considered Severus a serious hazard for both.

A short while later, Alberta returned, not looking any friendlier.

"She's awaiting you," she said brusquely and her painting swung aside to reveal a doorframe, where Serena was standing.

"Hey, Sev," she mumbled, rubbing her eyes. A big yawn prevented her from saying more. She looked dazed, her hair was more than a bit tousled and her robes were sprinkled with more creases than it had after their return from Little Hangleton.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did I wake you up?" Severus asked, silently cursing himself for his unfortunate choice of time to speak to her.

Serena nodded sleepily. "Last night was rather short, so I tried to catch up on lost sleep before the feast begins. Unlike you, I need more than a three hour nap to function properly."

While her words almost sounded like a reproach, her voice sounded nothing but tired.

"I won't bother you for long," Severus told her, holding the box with her possessions out to her. "I wanted to give your things back to you."

Serena took the box, put it down on the floor beside the door and cast a quick glance at its contents. "Erm, thank you," she muttered. Noticing that Severus hesitated to leave, she asked, "Well, is there anything else?"

"Actually - yes." Severus took a deep breath. Perhaps he should have thought about the exact wording of his speech beforehand. He wasn't used to apologising, and it didn't come naturally to him. "I did some thinking," he began tentatively, "about the last few days, about you, about a conversation I had with the Headmaster at your sickbed -"

"You were at my sickbed?" Serena repeated with genuine surprise.

He hadn't visited her a second time in the infirmary, and she didn't seem to have known about the first time either. For a second her face lit up, as if she was pleased to hear it, but then she became aware that she had interrupted him, and with a guilty look she asked him to carry on.

"What I was saying... I've come to the conclusion that I was wrong about you," he said a bit stiffly. "I decided to discard my distrust in you and apologise to you like someone with good manners would."

"Wow," was all Serena managed to answer. They stared at each other for a few moments, until she added, incredulously, "Are you serious about this?"

"Yes, of course. I'm not joking."

"You really apologise to me?"

Severus sighed. "Yes, I do."

He studied her disbelieving expression. Why did she have problems with taking in his words? Had he already crossed the point where she couldn't believe anything of him save insults and scathing remarks?

"Does this mean you don't hate me anymore?" Her question was quiet, and her voice was tense, almost as if she was afraid to ask - or rather afraid to hear the answer.

"I discarded any aversions to you together with my distrust."

"And you won't attempt to kill me again?"

Slowly, this question-and-answer game was becoming silly, Severus thought. Of course he didn't plan another attempt on her life; this was exactly what he had said, just in other words. But he wouldn't snap at her, he reminded himself, he had come to make peace with her, after all.

He arched an eyebrow when he replied, "I can't make promises, of course. I just can say that currently, I don't feel the urge to jump at your throat." A nearly imperceptible smile flitted over his face.

Nevertheless, Serena noticed the slight change in his expression and smiled too. She stepped aside and waved towards her private rooms. "In that case, please come in."

"Come in?" Severus repeated, puzzled.

"Yes, come in. We need to talk about your apology."

Talk about it? Severus didn't consider this a good idea. Either deliberately or inadvertently, Serena would pester him to death until he lost his temper, snapped at her and ruined the last chance for them to ever feel comfortable around each other again. What was it with women that they couldn't take something at face value, but always needed to talk about it down to the last bothersome detail?

"Why talk about it? Can't you just accept it? And besides, didn't you want to catch up on lost sleep before the Feast begins?"

Serena sharply shook her head. "Oh no! You can't treat me as big evil witch incarnate all year round and then suddenly change your mind and expect me to just shrug my shoulders and go back to sleep. We will discuss it, right now... there're some things that I need to know... that I've wanted to ask you for quite a while... but I couldn't, because we weren't speaking to each other. At the moment you seem to be in a relatively amiable mood, and who knows if it won't change until tomorrow. If this is my only chance to have a decent talk to you, I'll be dammed if I don't seize it."

Her eyes glittered in anticipation of a conversation with him - or was it anxiousness?

Severus sighed and silently counted up to ten. He had started it, now he would have to see it through to the end, without shouting at her. And sighing and silently counting had already proved to be useful in keeping him from getting irritated.

"Oh well, if you insist."

He followed Serena into her living room and sat down in an old, worn looking, but comfortable armchair. Serena conjured a big pot of steaming, strong coffee from the kitchens and filled two mugs with the dark liquid.

"This stuff kept me going for the entire day," she breathed with an appreciative sigh.

Then she emptied half of her mug in one big gulp. As a tea-lover, Serena rarely drank coffee, and Severus could soon discern the effect that the unfamiliar caffeine had on her. The sleepiness fell off her completely, her posture straightened up and she watched him with an attentive, alert gaze when she started to bombard him with a barrage of questions.

Why had he hated her? When had it started? After their night together? Had her refusal to repeat such intimacy really irrevocably destroyed their friendship? Or were there more reasons for his aversion to her? Why had he changed sides and become a spy for Dumbledore? Why had he so stubbornly insisted that she wasn't to be trusted? And what had now changed his mind? Had he actually done a 180°-turn in his convictions or had he just grudgingly given in to the inevitable conclusion after revaluating all facts? Why did he dislike Jon so much? Was he angry because she hadn't told him about his son earlier? And what on earth had made him assume that Lucius Malfoy could be Jon's father?

Severus was astounded. She had plenty of questions, and she had them ready as if she knew them by heart. Severus got the impression that she had given each of them quite a bit of thought and had made a mental list of what to ask him if she ever should get the chance. And these questions weren't asked lightly; Serena was genuinely interested in his answers, even if they shouldn't be to her palate.

Severus did his best to give them, as honestly as he could. Some answers she had expected; others she found downright surprising. And Severus also learned a few things that he hadn't known before. He began to regret his stubbornness. If they had had an open talk earlier, a lot of grief on both sides could have been prevented. He was amazed at how many of the things he believed he knew about her were just plainly wrong. Even after he had learned that she had been a spy and that his worst memories of her weren't true, there were plenty of wrong ideas left in his mind.

The biggest of his misconceptions was undoubtedly her relationship with Malfoy. Serena had never had an affair with him. When he had seen them kissing, it had been a forceful attempt of Malfoy's to take what she would never willingly give to him. When she had been regularly slinking off, it wasn't to meet Malfoy, but to report to Moody. Upon learning this, Severus felt an unexpected happiness grow inside of him and caress his soul.

The dusk had set in a while ago, and their faces were only lit by the glistening fire in the fireplace, when Serena suddenly noted, surprised, "Wow! We talked for more than an hour and still didn't start a heated argument!"

Severus agreed. He might have frowned upon Serena's wish to talk earlier, but in hindsight he admitted that sometimes, this female urge to discuss everything had its advantages. He had enjoyed sitting together with her and talking as they used to do so long ago. He could hardly remember the last time he had felt so relaxed.

In a sudden fit of mischievousness, he arched an eyebrow and replied, while nodding in assent, "Or slapped the other."

"Or strangled the other," Serena countered with a smile.

He threw his hands in the air in a resigning gesture. "Okay, you win."

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, watching the flames, until Serena's expression became pensive.

"Such conversations were nothing special when we were friends," she muttered wistfully. "I really missed this. You too?"

Severus didn't need to think long about an answer. "Each day."

"Do you think we could do it again?"

"Talk?"

"No, be friends. Do you think we could get back what we once had between us?"

She leaned forward in her armchair, gazing at him, as if she was afraid to miss a word of his answer. Because of the dimness reigning in the room, her pupils had almost completely displaced her iris and her usually bright blue eyes were almost as dark as his. He could easily get lost in these little mirrors that reflected the fire in the hearth, Severus thought. He felt irresistibly attracted to the pair of flickering mini-flames like a moth, and all of a sudden he didn't mind the danger of being burnt.

Then Serena blinked, and the moment was gone.

Severus shook his head, calling himself to order. "I doubt that it will be like it was ever again." Seeing the disappointment in Serena's eyes, he quickly added, "But I think it could be better. No more secrets, no more lies, no Dark Lord, and no misunderstandings between us anymore - this is a great basis for a new friendship."

Serena's face lit up again with a happy smile that made Severus briefly wonder whether a Veela had been among her ancestors. Again, they sat silent, content to listen to the cracking of the fire and to watch the flames.

"You said that our relationship also suffered from the cruel things that we did as Death Eaters," Serena suddenly said.

Severus nodded thoughtfully. "But now I know that it wasn't true, and that you didn't do any of those things."

Serena shifted in her seat. "Your reason tells you so. Albus told you so. But your mind is still presenting you with those memories, insisting that they are real, isn't it?"

Of course she was right, but for the umpteenth time Severus recalled one of the particularly vivid memories to verify it. He couldn't help it - he should know that they were false, but they didn't feel that way. Frustrated, he sighed. "Your Memory spells were brilliant - even now, there's no difference between any of my memories, they all seem equally authentic to me."

"They had to be perfect - my life was at stake, and the lives of our victims too. But now, that it's over - would you like to have your true memories back?"

"Can you do that? I thought that Memory spells could not be reversed without causing great damage to the brain."

"It's not easy, but I have the advantage that I know what I've done. I only blocked your true memories, and I could remove these blocks. I also could sort of label the false memories as such. They would then appear like a dream - you remember them, but they don't feel real anymore."

"And you'd do this for me?"

"Sure." Suddenly a wry grin spread over her face. "Of course you would have to put some faith in me that I won't botch up your brain. Contrary to most men, it's an important organ of yours, which you actually use for thinking."

Despite her joking about it, Severus didn't need to think twice about her offer. Getting his true memories back - this would remove the last obstacle on their way of forging a new friendship.

"Do it," he said firmly.

Twenty minutes later, Serena announced, wearied, "Phew, that was it!" Memory spells weren't easy to perform, but to undo them was even more straining.

While she collapsed into her armchair, yawning widely, Severus closed his eyes and recalled his memories of their Death Eater raids. For the first time, he saw what really had happened then and he was overwhelmed. He had known that some of his memories hadn't been correct, but not exactly to which extent. He had only been able to guess according to what Dumbledore had told him.

Now he realised that his dislike for Serena had been completely founded on false notions. Actually, he had not once witnessed her torturing and killing someone. And more, he hadn't committed murder either. In his days as a true Death Eater, he hadn't taken one single human life. Only after Serena had left and he had become a spy, he had actually participated in killing innocents, in order to remain inconspicuous and to protect his cover.

The irony wasn't lost on him. "This must be a bad joke," he groaned. "The universe must be having a good laugh at my expense."

When Serena didn't answer, he opened his eyes and looked at her. Serena sat slumped in her armchair and was fast asleep. Even the caffeine from quite a few mugs of strong coffee couldn't compensate her exhaustion and fatigue anymore.

In her sleep, she wore a peaceful smile that warmed his insides. She truly seemed to be at ease with him. Regardless of how tired she was, she would never allow herself to fall asleep in the company of someone whom she didn't trust.

Severus took a woollen blanket from a nearby stool and covered her with it, before he quietly left her quarters and returned to his own rooms.

* * *

Right after dinner, the Valentine's Day Ball began. But this year it was more than an opportunity to dance with one's sweetheart and steal kisses. Dumbledore had declared the event a celebration of the end of Lord Voldemort and had opened the feast for all years. The news had spread like wildfire. The Aurors who had collected the stunned Death Eaters and taken care of Voldemort's body had hurriedly passed on the good news to their families. They had told their friends and neighbours, who, in turn, had sent owls to their relatives and their children at Hogwarts. By the time dinner was over, Hogwarts had already seen a few hours worth of celebration on its grounds, in its rooms, and throughout the corridors.

So when the feast began, most students recalled the original reason for it and showed up in pairs, even if it was no longer required.

Severus sat at the High Table, his gaze roaming the Great Hall. As usual, the decoration screamed the ball's theme - Valentine's Day - in sickening pink and red colours and could have been from Gilderoy Lockhart himself. Heart-shaped balloons drifted in mid-air, and fairies buzzed all around, sending out showers of red sparks now and then. Only half of the usual number of floating candles lit the hall, presumably to create a cosy, romantic atmosphere. The large House tables had been replaced by countless small, round tables, and room for dancing had been left free in the middle of the hall.

Because they had done a great job at the previous year's Yule Ball, Dumbledore had booked the Weird Sisters again for the musical accompaniment.

Usually, such arrangements served to drop Severus' mood even lower than usual, but today they merely elicited a frown from him. Wherever he looked, he saw dressed up couples who made puppy eyes at each other. He was tempted to swoop down on them and take points just to wipe those lovesick expressions off their enraptured faces, but today he found himself content with imagining their looks if he did so.

The hall was slowly filling up, and a group of six students at the doors caught his eye. He recognised the first pair - Harry Potter, walking in arm in arm with Ginny Weasley. Upon his entrance, the other students broke into applause and cheers. For once, Severus didn't scowl at Harry in an instant, and didn't miss the look of uneasiness about so much attention on Harry's face. Behind him, Hermione Granger stepped over the threshold, being led by Ron Weasley at her right side and Jon Potter on her left. A third girl kept close to Potter's other side. When the group headed towards an empty table, she briefly tousled his hair, grinning, while he ducked and shook his head in protest. Then she left the group and pushed her way through the crowd toward the High Table.

In the rather dim light he couldn't recognise her (she was small and mostly hidden behind other, taller students), but she seemed familiar to him. The girl had her long black hair pinned up in an elaborate pile on her head, and Severus could have sworn that he had seen her violet dress before. Judging by the admiring looks that mostly male students cast her, such dresses shouldn't be allowed for female students, Severus thought. Suddenly he remembered where he had seen this dress before. And he had cast her just the same look then! This wasn't a student; it was Serena, wearing the same dress that she had worn the day that they had received the Dark Mark. Like then, she looked breathtaking. The years that had passed were scarcely visible on her - if anything at all, they had only served to make her look more mature and beautiful.

"Hey, Sev," she greeted him upon arriving at the High Table and reached for his chin. With gentle pressure she closed his mouth. Severus hadn't even noticed that he was gaping at her. With an impish gleam in her eyes she added, "You better keep this shut; you don't want to have a fairy fly into it, do you?" Flashing him a playful grin, she sat down next to him.

"You missed dinner," was all he managed to say, temporarily stunned.

"I know." She stretched luxuriously and let out a sensuous sigh. "I didn't know that it's possible to sleep that well in an armchair. When my alarm clock squawked, I threw a shoe at it and instantly fell asleep again. If Jon and his friends hadn't come to fetch me, I'd probably have missed the ball too." She cast a brief look at the small bowls, filled with sweets and nibbles, which were distributed over all tables, including the High Table. She took a handful of everything, piling it up in front of her. When she started munching it away, Albus Dumbledore rose from his seat and the murmuring in the Great Hall died down.

In his speech, he repeated what everyone had already heard by now: Lord Voldemort's comeback had failed; Harry had defeated him before Voldemort's second rise to power was accomplished, and this time he was gone for good. His Death Eaters were arrested. The majority of the student body rejoiced vociferously. But Severus could also spot a few students who looked sad or angry, most of them being Slytherins, who had been children of these Death Eaters.

Harry was awarded two hundred points for his achievement, which put Gryffindor instantly at the lead in the run for the House Cup. It seemed impossible for the other Houses to catch up this huge difference in points during the remaining four months. Quite unhappy about this development, Severus muttered angrily under his breath.

"Well, I'm sure you'll manage to deduct all these points from Gryffindor in your Potions lessons," Serena dryly commented and winked at him.

"Someone has to bring this conceited pack back to earth again, after all," Severus grumbled back, but he didn't look as ill-tempered as he sounded.

Now that the danger was gone, Dumbledore continued, Hogsmeade trips were reinstated and the next outing would be taking place the next Saturday, because the students had been confined to the castle for too long. This announcement was met with even more cheers.

Finally Dumbledore finished his speech, and the Weird Sisters began to play. The dance-floor instantly filled with pairs.

"Those darn Weasley twins!" Severus suddenly exclaimed.

Serena cast him a puzzled look and found him staring to the left, where the house-elves had arranged a cold buffet.

"They spiked the punch, with alcohol of some sort! Or worse, with one of their joke potions!" he growled and rose from his seat.

Severus intended to give them a sound rocket and start reducing Gryffindor's prominent lead over the other Houses, but Serena seized his arm, holding him back. He felt a sparkle flitting over his skin, and even after she had removed her hand again, the spot where she had touched him continued to send a warm and pleasant tingle through his arm. Suddenly his mouth went dry.

"C'mon, Sev, let them have some fun. Today's a joyous day, let them celebrate."

Severus hesitated a moment and then sat down again. "But if they try to pour a second bottle, they're in for it."

During the following minutes, Severus kept close watch at the Weasley brothers, while Serena watched the dancers.

"I haven't danced in ages..." she said and sighed dreamily.

"No one is hindering you to do it now," Severus answered absentmindedly, still monitoring the Weasley twins. They left the vicinity of the punch-bowl and asked two Hufflepuff girls for a dance.

"Is that an invitation?" Serena asked.

"An invitation?" Confused, Severus looked at her and noticed her surprised, yet hopeful look. Then he remembered her comment about dancing and shook his head to say no.

The hope in her eyes transformed to disappointment when she turned away and resumed watching the other dancers from afar.

Fred and George lead the girls to the centre of the dance-floor and started to swirl them around. Perhaps, Severus thought, dancing wasn't that bad an idea. He could show his good will to Serena and keep a closer watch at the Weasleys at the same time.

"Okay," he said in an indulging tone to Serena. "One dance. But don't expect me to make a habit of it."

Serena smiled happily when she got up and took his arm, allowing Severus to lead her toward the crowd of dancing students and professors.

Just when they arrived, the song finished, and Severus cursed his bad luck. Of course the next song had to be one of those dammed slow ballads. Professor Dumbledore, who had danced with Professor Sinistra, escorted her back to the High Table. The dance-floor filled with couples that danced in tight embraces. Severus noticed with some unease the numerous eyes resting on him - with expressions ranging from mild interest to blunt shock. He gazed longingly back at his seat, when he felt a tugging at his sleeve.

"No chickening out now, Sev," Serena said firmly, a playful gleam evident in her eyes. "You promised me a dance - and I'm going to get it!"

Not waiting for his answer, she wrapped her arms around his waist, snuggled her head against his chest and started to sway her hips to the slow rhythm. Severus was suddenly keenly aware of the proximity of her body, the sweet scent of her perfume, and the softness of her skin under the much too thin fabric of her dress. In a reflex action he laid his arms around her shoulders, holding her delicate figure close to him and began matching her movements. All at once, he felt like a teenager - nervous, unable to say anything intelligent, afraid to make a mistake and ruin the special moment.

He didn't care anymore about the incredulous looks of the students; he only had eyes for the beauty in his arms. And suddenly he knew exactly what to say.

Bending down, so that his mouth came level with her head, he whispered softly into her right ear.

Serena's head jerked back and she met his gaze, flabbergasted. When she realised that he was serious about his words, she blushed and flashed him the most beautiful smile he had ever received. Then she took his face, pulled it closer to hers and kissed him.

It felt like a wonder when her velvet lips touched his and made him forget everything else - the astounded stares of the students, the mischievous Weasley twins, the music that missed a beat.

An emotion took hold of him that he had never felt before. He was at ease with the world.

THE END