Heaven and Hell

10th Chapter - A Death Eater Career

(June 1977)

When Serena nervously entered Dumbledore's office, there was a strange looking man sitting in front of the headmaster's desk. He seemed to emanate an aura of mystery and gloom that cast a shadow across the whole office. The man's face was covered with so many scars that she had difficulties discerning normal skin in between. Short, dark hair, a crooked nose, and dark, beady eyes that unrelentingly scrutinised her - it all appeared like facial components that somehow didn't quite fit together to form a whole. Suddenly, Serena had a queasy feeling as if he knew everything about her, as if he could learn all her secrets just by looking at her.

Dumbledore commenced as soon as Serena had closed the door behind her. "Miss Potter, I would like to introduce Alastor Moody to you. He is an Auror and he is here to ask you a few questions."

Auror? Serena was shaken. If the Ministry sent an Auror, it could only mean that they had found out about her being an illegal Animagus. Or that she had studied Dark magic. Or maybe even both? The Auror was certainly here to take her to Azkaban! Trying to hide her anxiety, she cast a glance at Professor Dumbledore's face. His expression was a great deal sterner than usual, which seemed to confirm Serena's worries.

"Alastor, this is Serena Potter," the headmaster said to his guest.

Despite the gloom that seemed to weigh heavy on Moody, his movement was swift and graceful as he rose from his seat and inclined his head. "Nice to meet you, Miss Potter," he said and extended his hand to her.

Taking it, Serena saw that it bore a couple of scars as well and was missing a phalanx of it's little finger. "Nice to meet you too, Mister Moody," she replied diffidently. Was he always so friendly to people he was going to arrest?

"Please sit down, Miss Potter. This may take a while." Professor Dumbledore motioned towards a second chair in front of his desk. "Tea?"

Serena nodded numbly and sat down. While Dumbledore conjured a tray with a white china teapot, surrounded by three delicate china teacups and a plate with biscuits, Moody sat down again and began to speak.

"The Ministry of Magic received your application for the Auror Training a few months ago, Miss Potter. I'm here to talk to you about it."

Oh, this was the reason for him being here! A great weight was suddenly lifted from Serena's mind. Feeling reassured she found the courage to meet Moody's penetrating stare while listening to him. Moody didn't waste any time with small talk and came straight down to the point instead.

"I've studied your file, and I heard quite a bit about you from my old friend Albus Dumbledore. Mostly good things, but he also mentioned that you sometimes have problems following rules that don't suit your plans. Or rather you don't have scruples to not follow these rules."

'He did?' Serena wondered, trying to remember when she had been caught disregarding rules. Or did Dumbledore know about her secrets, after all?

"Anyway," Moody continued, "he also told me that you're very well able to distinguish between right and wrong. I think this is far more important than stupidly following rules to the letter. You're in Slytherin, correct?"

Serena wanted to concur but Moody didn't stop to let her answer his rhetorical question.

"This is somewhat unusual. A Slytherin who wants to become an Auror - that hasn't happened in a few years. Why do you want to do this?"

Now that she knew that she wouldn't spend the next night in Azkaban, Serena had regained her self-confidence. She answered with a steady voice, "Well, I think my brother James is to blame for it." A wry grin flitted over her face. "He told me about his plans to become an Auror and that everyone is needed to fight the Dark side - that you can't hope for someone else to do it for you. He got me thinking. And as you said, I think I know what's right and what's wrong. What Voldemort's doing is certainly wrong."

When Serena said the name 'Voldemort' without hesitation, Moody looked at her with surprise, but also appreciation. Serena silently thanked her brother for his insistence on her calling Voldemort by his name. At first she had felt rather uneasy, but after a while she had become used to saying his name, and she did it without much thought now. Pretending to not notice Moody's approving look, she continued, "It's high time for him to go. My magical skills aren't bad and I think I could contribute a good deal to overthrowing Voldemort, if you let me."

"You are quite determined to do so, aren't you?" Moody nodded thoughtfully a few times, taking a sip of his tea. The small teacup nearly vanished in his large hands. Serena was almost expecting to hear a cracking sound that indicated that the cup had yielded to the immense pressure that such a hand was doubtless able to produce.

"But there's one thing I don't understand," Moody continued, "Recently, I met your brother at the Ministry and I had a chat with him. He didn't seem to know about your application. On the contrary, he seemed rather miffed that you'd withstood his attempts to recruit you."

Alarmed, Serena asked, "You didn't tell him about it, did you?"

"No, I didn't. But why did you keep it from him? And, far more important, does anyone else know about your plans?"

"I didn't tell anyone. It's dangerous for a Slytherin to have such ambitions. I thought I'd be much safer if I keep it a secret until I'm finished with school."

The gloom abound Moody seemed to diminish when his expression lightened up. "Oh, that's perfect! I hoped you'd say that. You should know, I don't normally do interviews. I'm an Auror and not the Ministry's personnel manager, after all. But you're a special case, being in Slytherin, having told no one about your application and being not untalented regarding your magical skills. It's true, the Ministry is in dire need of fresh Aurors. Thanks to your brother we're getting them. But what we need more, and don't find so easily, are spies. People who pretend to be Voldemort's followers and who keep us informed about his plans. Who collect incriminating evidence so that Death Eaters can be condemned after their capture. We have tried infiltrating a few Aurors into Voldemort's ranks, but sooner or later they've always been discovered. I suspect a couple of moles in the Ministry, but it's near impossible to identify them."

He snorted in dismay. "Filthy little traitors, they've already ruined more than one attempt to sack the Dark Lord. Well, judging by what I've heard about you, I'd say you're just the right person for this job. If you'll do what most of your fellow Slytherins will do - join the Death Eaters - no one'll suspect you. No one in the Ministry'll know about you - I'll see to that - so they can't give you away. And you know more about Dark Magic than some of the senior Aurors - that's a very useful skill to make yourself as inconspicuous as possible."

Serena swallowed. This could only mean that Professor Dumbledore indeed knew about her secret studies and had told Moody about it. At least Moody didn't seem to mind it, but rather saw it as an advantage.

"To make a long story short, you'd be far more useful for us as spy than as an Auror. But the risk is greater as well. None of our spies who were revealed are still alive. It's a dangerous job, and you'd be risking your life every day."

Professor Dumbledore, who had silently followed the conversation, chimed in, "For your own safety you could not tell anyone about it. Not your friends, your family, no one - even if you think you can trust them with your life. They would all believe you were a true Death Eater, and some of them would doubtless hate you because of that. Only Moody and I would know about the truth. Are you able to cope with this?"

Serena scratched her forehead, trying to take in what she just heard. Of course she wanted to fight Voldemort's regime, but this spy job sounded rather dangerous. Would she be able to fulfil such a task? Moody and Dumbledore seemed to be convinced that she could.

"You do not need to answer right now. Regardless of what you will decide, it will affect the rest of your life. So contemplate it thoroughly, and make sure that your final decision is what you really want. Be assured, no one will think ill of you if you should decline this offer," Dumbledore added good-naturedly.

Moody rose from his seat, getting ready to leave. "So, I told you what I wanted to, now it's up to you to make a decision. If you have questions, don't hesitate to ask -"

"Actually, I have a question," Serena cut in, temporarily forgetting that it wasn't polite to interrupt someone's speech. The question had formed in her mind and occupied her thoughts so much that she needed an answer before she could concentrate on anything else. "You said that even the Ministry wouldn't know. But they have my application, so they know already, don't they?"

"A few people know that you applied, yes. If you should decide to become a spy instead of an Auror, your application will be recorded as rejected."

This answer didn't fully satisfy her. "Don't get me wrong, but isn't that a bit implausible for the Ministry to reject an application like mine? With all the good marks and so..."

"No, not with such negative entries in your file," Moody answered, straightening his cloak. "Oh, and I must ask you to not tell anyone about this conversation."

"Yes, of course not... What negative entries do you mean?" Serena muttered, bewildered.

"Excuse me, Miss Potter," Moody said apologetically. "I really have to leave now. There's urgent business I have to attend to. But I'm sure that Professor Dumbledore'll answer all your questions. Good-bye!"

"Good-bye," Serena replied, shaking Moody's scarred hand once again. He bade good-bye to Dumbledore too, and then he was gone, leaving her alone with the headmaster.

Professor Dumbledore still wore the stern expression that she had already noticed at the beginning of the meeting. When he spoke, his voice was equally stern.

"Miss Potter, there is something else that I need to talk to you about. I know that you frequently visit the Restricted Section of the library at night and study books about Dark Magic. I believe that you have only noble intentions in doing so. But nonetheless I cannot tolerate this. It is forbidden for students below their final year to read books from the Restricted Section without permission. Not to mention that no student is allowed to be outside his or her dormitory at night. You must stop this immediately. Your Head of House will be informed and he will give you an appropriate punishment. I am also obligated to record an official reprimand for illegal studies of Dark Magic in your file. Of course I am aware that you start your seventh year soon, which enables you to enter the Restricted Section without asking for permission first. But I will rely on you to not misuse this privilege and to refrain from any more extracurricular studies there. And should you be caught again roaming the castle at night, your immediate expulsion from Hogwarts will be the consequence. Is this understood?"

Serena nodded, unable to answer with the lump that built in her throat.

* * *

On her way back Serena mulled over Moody's offer. This was her chance to do something special and important, something that not everyone could do. Not being able to let anyone in on her true purposes would certainly be hard, but it would only be temporary, only until the war was over. Moody would do everything in his power to protect her from being betrayed by moles, so if she didn't give herself away, the danger should be reasonably small. She was confident that she could maintain silence; she had already successfully kept other secrets.

Passing the Entrance Hall, Serena decided to get herself some pumpkin juice to get rid of the lump that still obstructed her throat. Fortunately, breakfast time wasn't over yet because it was Saturday. Entering the Great Hall, she noticed Severus being deep in conversation with Lucius Malfoy.

Briefly wondering what they could possibly talk about, she approached them. This was just too good an opportunity to miss it. It was an open secret that Lucius, who finished his schooling this year, would join the Dark forces soon, if he hadn't done so already. If she could convince him of her wish to become a Death Eater, he would probably help her to do so. Pulling a defiant face, she sat down next to Severus, intent on working on her bad reputation.

Both of them fell silent upon seeing her. Noticing her expression, Severus enquired with a worried glance about the outcome of her summons to the headmaster. Serena told with an angry frown that she'd received a reprimand for illegal studies of Dark Magic, which was even being recorded in her file. She mentioned also that Dumbledore had threatened her with expulsion if she did anything wrong again.

Lucius regarded her with a fairly surprised look, asking what exactly she had done. Serena told him about her nightly visits in the library and the Dark curses that she had learned, deliberately leaving out her motives to do so. Severus unwittingly supported her plan, letting Lucius know about their duelling sessions.

Cautiously, Serena hinted that she wasn't the exemplary student that most people considered her to be. This was only a disguise, she alleged, to keep herself out of trouble. It was her bad luck that Dumbledore had finally seen through it.

When she finished, Lucius grinned insinuatingly and said, "I knew it! It's always the ones who behave innocently who are the slyest ones." He hesitated a moment, scrutinising Serena. At length he said to Severus, "You can bring her along, if you like." With these words he got up and left.

"Bring me along? Where?" Serena asked curiously. "What have you two talked about?"

She soon found out. Lucius had invited Severus to a gathering of Death Eater aspirants.

In the course of her next and last school year, several of these meetings followed. Lucius, already admitted into the ranks of Voldemort's followers, prepared Severus, Serena, and a couple of her classmates to become Death Eaters too. Serena feigned enough enthusiasm and Muggle-hate to convince her fellows of her low cast of mind. On a sunny summer day, a month after finishing Hogwarts, she found an owl in the front garden that doggedly refused to hand her letter to anyone than Serena. It was an invitation to an initiation ceremony to join the ever growing group of the Dark Lord's supporters.

* * *

After his father's death, Severus lived alone in the small, old house that he had inherited. Gulping down a potion that he had just finished brewing, he sat down on one of two facing sofas in front of the fireplace. He was about to lie down and wait for the potion to do its work, when he heard knocking on his front door.

The noise resounded like hammering in his already aching head. Groaning, he got up and peered through the door's spy hole. Serena was standing outside and looking rather forlorn. It had been raining cats and dogs since morning. The water that poured down on her, unnoticed, increased the impression that she was anything but happy at the moment.

Quickly Severus opened and motioned her inside. He took her dripping cloak and hung it up near the fireplace, not quite feeling like using magic to dry it. Gesturing to her to sit down, he asked concerned, "Serena, what's with you? You look like the paradigm of misery. Please, don't tell me you've got a hangover too. I couldn't stand the thought of turning my head into an aching vegetable for nothing!"

The day before a couple of young people, including Serena and Severus, had been initiated into Voldemort's ranks. Afterwards, Lucius Malfoy had given a party at the Old Hag, a pub in Knockturn Alley, for those whom he had recruited. They had spent the better part of the night in revelry, with alcohol flowing freely.

Serena couldn't take in much alcohol. For fear of getting completely drunk and doing something extremely stupid she had clandestinely exchanged her and Severus' glasses with each other after he had emptied his one. This would enable her to stay more or less sober, without anyone noticing, save Severus, and he already knew Serena's incredibly low tolerance level for spirit of any kind. He, on the contrary, had a strong head for alcohol. So he had only arched an eyebrow, grinning at her guilty look, before he had yielded to her silent plea and had taken the majority of her drinks as well. But drinking twice as much and twice as fast as the others was too much even for him and now he was impatiently waiting for the potion to free him of his headache.

Serena shook despondently her head, slumping down on the sofa. "No, but I'd love to swap places with you."

Sitting down next to her, Severus tried another guess. "Trouble with your people because of last night?"

Nodding, Serena muttered, "Trouble's an understatement. Jim told my parents everything. They became terribly enraged, and after a lot of yelling they told me that they don't have room for a Dark witch in their house."

The party had lasted until the barkeeper had closed the pub. Most of them had then decided to use the public Floo station at Diagon Alley to get home instead of trying to Apparate in a state of inebriation.

Unfortunately, James and his friends, who had organised a bachelor party for Frank Longbottom at the Leaky Cauldron at the very same evening, had hit on the same idea. Heading for the Floo, both groups had met right there.

It didn't take long before someone slipped the reason for Lucius' party during the scornful quarrelling and mutual denigrating. After recovering from the shock that his sister was now supporting the enemy, James had jumped on Severus' throat, blaming him for being a bad influence on Serena. She had tried to part the quarrellers, but with little success. Instead, those present had taken it as a signal to pounce on each other as well.

When Aurors had arrived at the scene to put an end to the commotion, a violent fight had been underway. Fortunately most of the partakers were too drunk to mutter coherent incantations and perform curses that could cause serious harm. One night in the dry-out cell sufficed to calm most of them down, but not James.

And after hearing the news about Serena, her parents became cross with her as well.

"After a while they'll quiet down again," Severus tried to soothe her. "They're your family, after all."

"No, not any more," Serena answered, snivelling. "They didn't only throw me out. They disinherited and disowned me. They said, I'm no longer their daughter, and they meant it - I could see it in their eyes. They -" A heavy sob that she couldn't suppress prevented her from carrying on speaking. As if a dam had broken, she started weeping uncontrollably.

Severus awkwardly put his arm around Serena's shoulders, allowing her to bury her face in his chest and soak his robe with her tears.

"They - they hate me - and never - never want to see me again," she faltered out, frequently interrupting her words with sobs. Holding her gently, Severus waited for Serena to finish her crying.

When she started to wipe her eyes with his robe, Severus silently handed her his handkerchief. Grateful, she took it and blew her nose.

After she had regained some of her composure, Serena looked at Severus, playing insecurely with a strand of her hair. "Sev, since I'm turned out of my parent's house, erm - I don't know where else to go. I was hoping - would you - could I stay here? Only one or two nights, until I've found something else? Please?"

"Of course, stay as long as you like. You can have father's room. I was contemplating what to make of it anyway, so why not a guest room?"

"Thank you." Serena snivelled, tears threatening to overwhelm her again. Sighing, she said, "You're so good to me. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Severus wasn't sure what to answer to this and stayed silent, contenting himself with hugging her tightly.

* * *

Not feeling like looking for a real job, Serena helped Severus with his work as much as she could. Severus had resumed his father's work and did what he could do best - brew potions and supply the local apothecary with them. But the apothecary was merely an excuse to be busy with Potion making. Lord Voldemort demanded not only complicated and mostly illegal potions from Severus, but in amounts far greater than the apothecary did. Brewing them kept Severus pretty busy.

Of course, Serena stayed away from the cauldrons to avoid causing any catastrophes. But she prepared the ingredients for Severus, as she had done at Hogwarts. She had also taken over the task of getting the needed ingredients and delivering the finished potions to their respective recipients.

She had briefly considered sabotaging the potions that were meant for Lord Voldemort, but she had thought better of it. If the potions failed in their effects, Voldemort would simply punish Severus and look for another Potions Master. This would harm Severus, not Voldemort, and she didn't want to have Severus suffer, even if he was working for the Dark Lord.

Time passed, days became weeks, and Serena's temporary accommodation in Severus' house changed imperceptibly into a permanent one. She felt comfortable around him and Severus didn't seem to be dead keen on getting rid of her either.

Being a spy proved to be harder than Serena had anticipated. She had to be persistently on her guard in order to not give herself away. The constant peril of being discovered was straining, but not as much as her loneliness. Her family acted as if she had never existed. People she had got on well with didn't speak to her anymore. But searching for new friends among the Death Eaters wasn't an option at all.

Although Narcissa remained her friend, they met seldomly. After marrying Lucius Malfoy, she had moved in to Malfoy Manor. Serena hated this creepy place and stayed away from it if she could help it. So contact with Narcissa was limited to letters and occasional, short visits during Dark meetings that were held at Malfoy Manor from time to time.

Serena still considered Severus her closest friend, but even he was out of the question as a confidant. He supported Voldemort, after all, convinced about the rightness of his choice. She'd rather not learn how Severus would react if he found out the truth about her.

Moody, who knew where her true loyalties lay, just wasn't the kind of person you could have a cry on his shoulder. Besides, Serena didn't want him to deem her weak and so she kept her sorrows to herself.

About two months after the initiation ceremony, Serena realised with a bang how dangerous her work actually was and what it meant to fight in a war. It wasn't heroic or noble. Sometimes it was necessary to fall back on dirty, disgusting, and detestable devices to survive, and Moody didn't hesitate to hammer this lesson into her head.

She was visiting him on a sunny afternoon and telling him about the newest events, plans, and rumours when Moody suddenly leapt up from his seat and shouted "Stupefy!"

A red flash darted into a nearby bush, and a thudding sound indicated that something had collapsed behind it. Both went to investigate and found an unconscious Death Eater who had apparently followed Serena without her noticing him.

"What have I told you," Moody admonished her, summoning the Death Eater's wand, "CONSTANT VIGILANCE! That's crucial! You're very fortunate that he's decided to watch us instead of returning to his fellows and telling them about his discovery. Your life wouldn't be worth a bean otherwise!"

Serena nodded meekly, still recovering from the fright that Moody had given her. Most of the time they spent together he behaved like a grouchy, paranoid, elderly man, grumbling about filthy Death Eater rabble, but not like a man to be scared of. The moment he had leapt up, however, she had suddenly seen another Moody, one she hadn't known until then. This had been the Moody who was the best Auror the Ministry ever had, determined, powerful, and highly dangerous to his enemies. This was the Moody whom Death Eaters talked about with dread in their eyes. In that moment, she had been extremely glad that she was on the same side as him.

Moody scrutinised the unconscious form, asking Serena, "Do you know that scumbag?"

She looked at the Death Eater. It was a young man with lots of red hair and she had the impression that she knew that red mat. He lay on his stomach, and in order to see more of his face, Serena seized his shoulder, intending to turn him around. This proved to be her second mistake today. He had only pretended to be unconscious, and quick as lightning he leaped up, taking Serena hostage by surprise. A swift grab at her left sleeve deprived her of her wand, rendering her defenceless.

"Give up, boy, you have no chance," Moody called upon the Death Eater, aiming his wand at him.

"If you try anything, Auror, she'll die with me!" the young man answered back, barely hiding his anxiety. He used Serena as a shield, as far as that was possible with her small stature. Pressing a knife against her throat and holding her chin with his other hand, he shouted, "No matter what kind of magic you plan to use against me, the time you'll need to say the incantation is enough for me to cut her throat or break her neck, possibly both."

"Would you wager your life on it?" Moody asked threateningly, piercing his opponent's skull with his eyes.

The pressure on Serena's throat increased slightly. "Would you wager her life on it?" the man replied.

Serena stood rooted to the spot, not daring to move or even breathe. She had messed up her job! She hadn't even held out two months without getting herself into serious trouble. Her life, which had been too short for her liking, ran in front of her eyes. It ended with a dreadful picture of herself, throat cut, lying in a puddle of her own blood. Eyes wide, she stared desperately at Moody, trying to find a sign in his expression that not all was lost. In that moment a white flash from Moody's wand hit the Death Eater, only just missing her head. In an instant, he let go of Serena and the knife, and buckled under his own weight behind her.

"Any time," Moody grimly answered the counter-question.

Now utterly frightened out of her wits, Serena jumped aside, shaking violently.

Ignoring her state, Moody commanded, "Watch, and learn!" He kicked away the knife and knelt down next to the Death Eater, all the time his wand trained to the man's chest. After watchfully searching his clothes for more hidden weapons and checking his pulse, Moody turned, facing Serena. "Never," he lectured her, "Never approach a seemingly defeated enemy without your wand drawn and all due care. Never rely on his harmlessness before you've verified it yourself."

"Yes, I'll remember that," Serena said, feeling extremely stupid for being so careless. "I'm sorry."

Moody's expression softened. "You need some education, that's all. The next times we'll meet, I'll teach you some of the things that your mates learn in the Auror training. Things like fighting without a wand, preventing others from taking your wand in the first place, and such. And to keep your mind steady and not panic in a critical a situation. Things that could save your life if I don't happen to be there for your rescue."

Hesitantly, Serena asked, "How exactly did you save me? I didn't hear any incantation. You didn't even move your mouth."

"That's probably the secret of my success. I'm able to do magic with only thinking the spell's incantation instead of reciting it aloud. It never fails to surprise that ruddy pack." He smiled grimly. Seeing Serena's face, which was still as white as a sheet, he asked, "Are you all right?"

She nodded tentatively. The trembling had diminished and a stroke across her neck revealed no injury to it, a fact that she noted with great relief.

"I'm not hurt. But he knows my secret," she replied. "What can we do to prevent him from telling someone? Could we send him to Azkaban?"

"No. I doubt that there's anything that we can charge him with and prove it. Unfortunately, those petty officials at the Ministry are still refusing to declare the mere bearing of the Dark Mark a crime. Besides that, I doubt that the Dementors are interested in a corpse."

Serena's jaw dropped when she tried to decide if she had understood him correctly or not. "A corpse? You mean, he - he's dead?"

Apparently she had, and Moody confirmed it. "Yes, he is. This is another lesson that you must learn. Do whatever's necessary to survive. If that means to take a Death Eater's life, you mustn't hesitate in doing so. They wouldn't either."

"But did you have to kill him? Wouldn't it have sufficed to stun him?"

Moody shook his head. "I needed to make sure that he wasn't able to react in any way. The Myasthenia Gravis Curse deprives someone of all control over his muscles, causing them to relax immediately. So he couldn't use his knife nor otherwise harm you. Since it affects every muscle, it also prevented his heart and his respiration from working. Bad luck for him. But the good thing is that he can't give you away now."

Serena cast another glance at the limp body. She knew him. Moody's mention of the Dark Mark had reminded her instantly where she'd seen him. It had been in Voldemort's castle, a week ago, where he had received the Mark. He was still young, maybe five years older than herself. Necessary or not, deserved or not, he had been a living human being who was dead now! Dead, only because of her foolishness!

That night, Serena couldn't sleep well. Tossing and turning, she relived the incident in her dreams. She felt the blade press at her throat, saw the white flash hit the Death Eater, and even saw him collapse, though in reality this had happened behind her back. When she looked at him, it wasn't the redhead from this afternoon, it was Severus. Gasping in shock, she watched him opening his dead eyes and gazing at her, full of reproach.

"Traitor!" he scolded. "Will you kill me too if I should stumble over the truth about you? I won't let you!" He drew his wand and a blinding green light ousted everything else.

Serena awoke with a start, hearing the remnants of her own scream linger in her ears. She was bathed in cold sweat and her heart pounded wildly. The violent shaking from the afternoon was back. After leaving Moody, her brain had been in a state of shock - only performing vital tasks but avoiding any thoughts about the afternoon's experience. Fast asleep, however, Serena hadn't been able to prevent her mind from revolving around this scary experience, and now the result of it sunk into her conscious. She could die! Not in the sense of an abstract, hypothetical concept, no, in reality!

Young people had a tendency to regard themselves as immortal, and Serena wasn't an exception. Most people didn't change this way of thinking until they had more to look back at than to look forward to. But having a blade pressed against one's throat did a good job as an eye-opener. Serena suddenly realised that her life could be over at each moment - more so if she didn't increase her wariness and got accustomed to the idea of killing others for self-defence.

Together with the realisation, nausea overwhelmed her. She barely made it to the bathroom to sink down on her knees and, clutching at the porcelain bowl, begin to throw up violently.

* * *

Disregarding Serena's desire to curl up in her bed and never again face anyone, the world continued to turn and life went on. More out of necessity than determination, Serena continued her spying, trying to repress any daunting, distracting thoughts about her mortality. From now on she checked twice if she was alone before she visited Moody and the incident didn't repeat itself. When she was with Moody, they spent the better part of the meetings with lessons that should increase her chances of survival if it came to the worst and decrease the chances to have that happen at all.

Another thing that she learned was that when in Rome, you had to do as the Romans do. In her case, it meant that she had to take part in Dark wizards' activities, pretending to be a Dark witch herself, and thoroughly hide that she utterly detested it. So far, she could avoid doing serious harm to other people, but she didn't doubt that sooner or later the moment would come when someone would demand her to kill someone.

Unfortunately, she had no idea what to do then. She had already had nightmares about the demise of a Death Eater. How should she cope with killing people on Voldemort's instructions? People whose only fault was to not have pure wizard blood? Should she really kill innocent people to preserve her position as spy? Staying able to warn about attacks on other families was important, to thwart Voldemort's plans even more, but did it justify a murder? Or two? Or how many?

For lack of a better idea, she worked hard on her fighting skills and also constantly learned new charms and curses, hoping to come across something that would give her a clue how to save both, the victim and her cover.

Her ability to transform into a lynx turned out to be rather convenient for her spying. The meetings of the high-ranking Death Eaters, the so-called Inner Circle, took place in Voldemort's castle, out of bounds to Serena. Even as lynx she couldn't sneak in. But these Death Eaters met with their subordinates later to pass on news and orders, and they had a particular liking for graveyards and clearings at night as meeting places. It was fairly easy to stealthily creep up on them and hide behind tombstones or in the undergrowth, if she wasn't supposed to be at the meeting. Her acute hearing as a lynx did the rest.

Owing to the information that Serena delivered, the Ministry was able to increase the effectiveness of its work considerably. During the following months a lot of Voldemort's operations were thwarted. The Dark Lord lost a great number of his highest Death Eaters in battles with Aurors. Of course, Voldemort wasn't stupid and soon suspected a mole in his ranks, but he wasn't able to find the culprit. In an attempt to stop the flow of secret information to the Ministry, Voldemort killed everyone who acted slightly suspiciously. But this action hit mostly loyal Death Eaters; the true infiltrators avoided acting suspiciously at any cost.

Today was a special day for Serena, Severus, and Lucius. Voldemort had been satisfied with their work and they had gained his goodwill. As a reward, they would receive the Dark Mark, the sign of Voldemort's high-ranking supporters. Voldemort used to elevate only close supporters into the rank of a Death Eater - wizards who had served his cause well for years. But after the recent developments he couldn't afford to be so choosy anymore and had decided to replenish the Inner Circle with young, fresh blood.

Moody had been thrilled when Serena had told him about it. Only few of his spies had managed to do their work long enough to get the Dark Mark, not one of them being still alive. Now, there would be an informant at the summit meetings again. Serena would be able to gain information more valuable than before.

The ceremony would take place in Voldemort's castle, and a dissolute feast, a good method to keep Voldemort's followers happy, followed usually such events. The Dark Lord still regarded bestowing the Dark Mark on his followers as an important and formal event, which meant that Severus, Serena, and Lucius, as well as the Death Eaters in attendance, were required to wear dress robes.

Serena didn't set great store on having an exquisite wardrobe and didn't consider any of it suitable for the occasion. Narcissa had suggested solving this problem by going shopping. After trying a couple of outfits that either Serena didn't like or Narcissa didn't approve of, they finally found a long dress that both of them fell in love with at once. Serena wasn't one for laces and glittering knick-knacks on clothing that made its wearer look like a wedding cake. So she liked particularly the simple cut and the plain colour, a deep violet that downwards slowly faded to black. Narcissa was taken with the elegant look and the material it was made of. Serena had never before touched a fabric that was so soft and light. It clung to her body, accentuating her dainty figure, and almost felt as if there wasn't any fabric at all.

Back at Malfoy Manor, Narcissa helped Serena with the make-up when she suddenly blurted out, "Severus' eyes will pop out of his head when he sees you."

Serena frowned, looking sceptically at her image in the mirror of Narcissa's dressing table. "Probably he won't even recognise me under all that paint."

"That's your fault alone," Narcissa dismissed Serena's objection. "If you'd wear make-up more often and did something about your hair beyond that boring ponytail, he'd have realised that you're a woman ages ago."

"The ponytail is practical. And what exactly is your comment about Sev supposed to mean?"

"Oh, come on, Serena, don't act stupid. You two are the perfect match for each other. When I found out in sixth year that you have a thing for Severus, I was overjoyed. I thought you wouldn't uphold your Sev-and-I-are-only-friends-and-I'll-keep-it-that-way-attitude for long. Unfortunately, I was wrong."

Serena pulled a surly face. "Please, Narcissa, you promised to let that topic rest in peace. The thing for Sev, as you called it, was only a teeny rapture. I've overcome that long since. Actually, Sev is my best friend."

Narcissa rolled her eyes. "Yes, I noticed. And don't pull a face while I'm applying your make-up. When you moved in with him, however, I hoped things would change. But again, nothing."

"I didn't move in with Sev," Serena insisted, trying to keep her face straight. "I'm only temporarily using his guest room, until I've found something else."

"Oh sure! One year isn't temporary, dear. And now don't move." Narcissa took her wand and muttered a spell that made the make-up permanent, only removable with a counter spell.

"I didn't find the time to go house hunting. But I will, sometime."

With a resigning gesture, Narcissa threw her hands into the air. "Why are you so reluctant about this idea, for crying out loud? Are you still afraid he would reject you? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't."

"And what makes you think so?"

"Let's say, female intuition." Narcissa cast a critical look at Serena and shook her head. "Your hair won't go that way. It should be pinned up." Tentatively, Narcissa took Serena's hair and held it up.

"If you had anything like female intuition, you'd never have married that berk Lucius. By the way, I think this dress is already showing enough of my shoulders."

"Exactly, it'd be pointless to hide this under your hair. And I'll pretend not to have heard that remark about my husband." Narcissa summoned a jar of hairpins and started to skilfully twist strands of Serena's hair. She pinned them to the back of Serena's head, occasionally and not quite accidentally poking her with the pins, and wove thin silver strings between the curls. "What if Severus does indeed have feelings for you? Do you want to ask yourself forever what could have been?"

Serena didn't answer. Doubtless she was going to ask herself exactly this question for the rest of her life. But when she had accepted Moody's offer to spy on Death Eaters, she had irrevocably shut the door to this possibility. Of course, Narcissa didn't know this, and hopefully never would.

Chuckling, Narcissa added as an afterthought, "You should really try him. Even if you're not the woman of his dreams, Severus certainly wouldn't object to a nice little shag. He's a man, after all. And you aren't ugly, quite the contrary, I've managed to make you look like a Greek goddess." Pleased with herself, Narcissa inspected the result of her work.

"Greek goddess!" Serena snorted. "If I'd look up the word 'exaggeration' in a dictionary I wouldn't be surprised to find a picture of you." She met Narcissa's gaze in the mirror, mockingly arching an eyebrow. "A nice little shag, huh? Since your marriage you've developed quite a dirty mind, my dear Narcissa. I'm shocked!"

Both laughed while Narcissa dived into a closet, producing a pair of violet pumps that matched the colour of Serena's dress. After successively applying several Shrinking and Engorgement Charms they finally fit the size of Serena's feet.

A short knock came from the door, and without so much as waiting for an answer, the door opened and Lucius entered. He wore an extremely expensive looking, black velvet robe, and a matching velvet ribbon held his blond hair together in his nape. "It's time to leave," he said, casting a cool glance at Serena. "Are you finished tarting up?"

"Why, and I thought pansies were the only males that could tell tarting up from dressing up," Serena snapped back, earning a bloodcurdling look from Lucius.

Before he could give an answer, however, Narcissa yelled, "Stop it! You're not going to squabble in my presence! I can't stand you behaving like cat and dog!"

Lucius' expression softened almost instantly and he encircled Narcissa's waist. "You are right, my beauty. We shouldn't upset you, not in your state." He petted the clearly visible bulge at Narcissa's belly and kissed her good-bye. Without any other word or look at Serena, he Disapparated with a soft popping sound.

A frustrated sigh escaped Narcissa's throat. "I wish you two got along better. But since that isn't going to happen, I wish you at least fun at the feast," she said to Serena. "And have a drink in my name, it's still four months until I can have my favourite drink again."

"Ok," Serena agreed, smiling at the mother-to-be. "And don't forget, while you're breast-feeding you shouldn't drink alcohol either."

Narcissa rolled her eyes. "Thanks for reminding me," she said sarcastically. "Off you go, before you ruin my mood completely."

* * *

Serena Apparated to a small meadow and took a moment to take in the view. She stood on a huge cliff, with the sea deep down below her. High waves broke foaming at the rocks. The salty tasting air was filled with vapour and the scent of seaweed. It was hot, even for an August day, and despite the setting sun the temperature didn't show any inclination of dropping. At least a bit of refreshment came from the maritime breeze that blew about her.

She was alone on the meadow. Lucius, who had arrived only seconds ago, had obviously not waited for her and already went into the castle behind her. She had to admit that Voldemort's choice for headquarters couldn't have been better. He resided in a sturdy castle, which was located on an island that wasn't marked on any Muggle atlas nor magical map. Save Lord Voldemort himself, no one knew where exactly the island was. A magical shield that served several purposes at once protected the place. It hid the island from prying, unauthorised eyes, showing them only the ocean. Approaching ships were unobtrusively steered around it, which reduced the chances of an accidental discovery of the island to practically nil. To get here intentionally was nearly impossible too. Portkeys or broomsticks couldn't get through the shield and even Apparating wasn't possible unless a certain prerequisite was met.

This prerequisite was a charm that Voldemort cast on every new follower at the initiation ceremony. It enabled them to take a bearing on the island and to Apparate right through the shield. All these measures protected the castle pretty effectively from unwelcome visitors.

Moody had hoped to identify the Dark Lord's supporters, as moles within the Ministry of Magic for example, by this charm. But to his disappointment the Ministry neither managed to ascertain if somebody bore it nor to reproduce it to grant Aurors access to Voldemort's headquarters.

While her eyes strayed to the horizon, Serena heard a voice calling behind her back, "There you are, finally! I was worrying that you'd come late to your own promotion." Severus stood at the drawbridge and shook his head. "Why is it that women always need ages to dress? I needed only five minutes to get ready."

"Women may need longer, but the result looks a great deal better," Serena replied with a grin and turned around to face him.

Severus let his jaw drop at her unusual appearance. "Who are you, beautiful woman? And where did you leave Serena?" he joked.

Together, they crossed the drawbridge and Serena noticed Severus repeatedly glancing at her from the corners of his eyes. Couldn't he take in that she was dressed like a woman for a change? Entering the castle's quadrangle, she caught sight of a good number of eyes that lay appreciatively on her. Narcissa had an excellent knack for putting a better complexion on someone and making people look special. If wearing a dress instead of simple robes and doing one's hair really made such a big difference, she should perhaps do it more often, thought Serena.

The great Assembly Hall, where they would get the Dark Mark, was already half filled with people who were waiting for Voldemort. He hadn't shown up yet and wouldn't do so until the ceremony begun. Serena spotted Lucius who had already taken his place at the opposite end of the table. Two seats beside him were still free; they were for Severus and Serena.

Following Severus through the hall, Serena became aware of her shaking hands. Regardless how often she had tried to convince herself that it was only a mark that she got today, that it helped her work immensely and didn't mean anything for her, she still felt her nervousness grow with every minute. It was Voldemort's sign, and it would blemish her arm for at least as long as Voldemort lived.

'Get a grip on yourself!' she admonished herself silently and clenched her hands into fists.

The stupidest thing to do would be to let her nerves get the best of her, and run when Voldemort was about to apply the Dark Mark.

Serena took a deep breath, sat down and tried to distract herself by studying the interior. She had been here numerous times during the past year and knew it as well as the furnishings in Severus' house.

They had come in through a black double portal that connected the Assembly Hall with the quadrangle. The hall itself reminded Serena of the Great Hall at Hogwarts, but the atmosphere was different here, causing cold shivers to run down Serena's back every time she entered it.

The large windows at both sides didn't let in much light. Black curtains, each covered with the picture of a green skull with a snake as tongue, prevented the sunlight from coming in. Torches at the walls and a chandelier that hung from the ceiling tried to make up for the lack of light, but the strangely green glowing flames only increased the gloomy atmosphere.

A large oak table dominated the hall. It was almost as long as the whole room. Usually numerous chairs surrounded it, and all events that Lord Voldemort attended at took place here. The summit meetings that had been out of bounds for Serena so far were held at this table as well.

It was easy to tell which one was the Dark Lord's seat, because it was bigger and showier than the rest of the chairs. Elaborately carven, silvery snakes with ruby eyes decorated the edges of the velvet padded back and armrests. The throne-like, raised seat occupied the head end of the table opposite to the doors and allowed Voldemort a good view over everything that was going on in the hall. With the exception of Serena's, Severus' and Lucius' seats all other chairs were taken away and replaced by wooden benches to accommodate the large number of spectators. The walls were lined with similar benches and long tables, the suits of amour that usually stood there having been removed.

Dozens of Voldemort's followers had gathered to watch the ceremony. Besides the Death Eaters there was a large number of those present who hoped also to be honoured with the Dark Mark one day. And of course there were a great number of Dark wizards and witches who just didn't want to miss the opportunity to eat, drink, and revel for free.

When the hall had filled up and the time to begin had come, the Dark Lord appeared on his throne. The noise of countless chattering voices broke off in an instant and all faces turned towards their master.

Lord Voldemort spoke in a low but distinct voice that easily made the listeners' shiver. "Welcome, Death Eaters and supporters. Again you have assembled to witness me according a great honour to three of my faithful followers. They've proven themselves and their loyalty to me, their master, on many occasions. Using their courage, skills and astuteness, they have served me well since they have joined our forces. You all know, I am not only a demanding master. No, I also reward those who deserve it. Lucius, Severus, and Serena earned themselves a place in the circle of my strongest supporters and will be awarded with the Dark Mark tonight."

At the mention of their names, the three young people rose from their seats and approached Voldemort's throne with slow, measured steps.

Serena felt her heart rate increase. This was the moment she had looked forward to and dreaded at once. The Dark Mark would brand her as a Dark witch, a servant of the Dark Lord, a criminal. But she needed to endure it, to be able to be the exact opposite. Already in a weeks time another group of young people would be bestowed with the Dark Mark. And if she kept up her work successfully, there would be a constant need for replacements of members of the Inner Circle.

"Watch closely," Voldemort continued, still speaking to the audience. "Always serve me to the best of your abilities, and one day it will be you who will be honoured with the Dark Mark."

Surreptitiously, Serena wiped her sweaty hands on her dress and cast a short glance sideways. Lucius was almost bursting with pride. It had always been his dream to become Voldemort's right hand man someday and this was a big step towards this aim. Even in Severus' usually stony face a trace of anticipation was discernible. Wondering what her face expressed, Serena hoped that it wouldn't show her inner turmoil, wouldn't read like the expression of a lamb that was led to the slaughter. She had to look as if she was proud, as if she felt honoured and delighted about getting the Dark Mark. Her parents came to her mind. Fortunately they couldn't see her now, kneeling in front of and bowing to the man that her family regarded as the epitome of evil.

"Expose your left arm!"

Startled, Serena noticed that the Dark Lord had stepped in front of her. Lucius and Severus had received the Mark already and were watching her now. Quickly, she rolled up the left sleeve of her dress and stretched her arm out.

Voldemort touched it with his wand and uttered, "Morsmordre bracchium!"

Green flames licked over her forearm, burning the image of a skull into her skin. Serena grit her teeth, striving to keep a straight face. Showing the pain that the green flames were causing would be considered as a sign of weakness and disgrace. After a few seconds the pain receded and left only a dull throbbing, which would be gone by tomorrow if she could believe the hearsay.

Voldemort let them get to their feet again and thunderous applause filled the hall. After a few more words the Dark Lord vanished as abruptly as he had appeared earlier. With his disappearance the ceremony was finished and the feast could begin. Food and drink suddenly covered the tables and the Death Eaters didn't hesitate to help themselves.

Serena considered briefly the possibility of foisting her drinks on Severus again. But this time she and Severus were the centre of attention, together with Lucius. Most likely someone would notice it sooner or later. So she had no other choice than to grasp the nettle and hope for the best.

A seemingly never ending stream of wizards and witches came to congratulate and drink to them. Or to engage in some arse-licking, Serena thought sourly, in the hope that they might remember them when Voldemort was asking his Death Eaters for new candidates for the Dark Mark.

Though she never completely emptied her cup, it didn't take too long before the alcohol began to show its effect. The hall began to spin around Serena. The voices of all the people melted into a monotonous, distant mumbling that she couldn't distinguish anymore. She needed a break from drinking and some fresh air.

Carefully, Serena rose from her seat, clutching at the edge of the table for support. Wavering steps brought her slowly to the exit. Standing in the doorframe and looking at the court, she changed her mind and turned right, descending a flight of steps. She remembered vaguely a bathroom being somewhere down there and found the prospect of using cold, refreshing water to reawaken her senses much more appealing then the sticky heat outside.

At first she didn't even realise that she must have missed the door labelled 'Bathroom'. Taking one step after another and keeping her balance took up too much of her concentration to also pay attention as to where she was going. When the floor increased its shaking, she leaned onto the next doorframe, waiting for the shaking to subside.

Remembering that she had wanted to go to the bathroom, she tried to find out where she had ended up instead. She cursed her luck, because she recognised the corridor. Serena had entered a part of the castle that she wasn't supposed to. The doorframe she was using as support belonged to the Dark Lord's private office. Only members of the Inner Circle were allowed in there, and only if they had been called. If someone should catch her here, she'd get in big trouble. If she hadn't borne the Dark Mark, her presence would have raised an alarm already.

Serena noticed that the door was left slightly ajar and couldn't resist the urge to peep into the room. Her heart almost missed a few beats when her gaze fell upon Lord Voldemort. He sat at his desk and spoke to a Death Eater. While speaking, Voldemort repeatedly touched his temple with his wand, pulling dark strands of something glistening out of his head and into a stone basin that lay on the desk in front of him. It was decorated with runes and odd symbols and it was filled with whirling, dark mists.

Even in her inebriated state Serena had no difficulties recognising the strange object. It was a Pensieve! Moody possessed one too. He deposited all the information he could get about the war in it. When Serena reported to him, she added all of her important memories to the Pensieve, and other Aurors who met with Moody did the same. Afterwards, Moody analysed the content of the Pensieve, trying to find new connections or confirm unreliable information by comparing different sources.

So Voldemort had a Pensieve too! If she only could have a look into it! It would make her spying so much easier. All his plans could be revealed overnight. And there were more advantages to it. The Pensieve could be used to convict a great number of Death Eaters. It would be as if the Dark Lord himself would testify against them. Perhaps they could even find weak spots and a way to defeat Voldemort for good!

Voldemort's voice was too low for her to understand his words. Fortunately it didn't take much concentration to change into her Animagus form and take advantage of the extremely acute hearing that a lynx possessed. But when the transformation was done, Voldemort had finished his speech and got up from his seat. He touched a small statue on his desk and a drawer at the left side of the desk opened. Voldemort took a silvery, star-shaped object out of it. Then he touched the wall panelling with his wand, saying, "Aperio!"

The charm made a small, star-shaped hole appear and Voldemort pressed the pentagram into it. One of the wooden panels swung open and revealed a secret compartment in the wall. After placing the Pensieve into the compartment, Voldemort shut the panel and put the silvery key back into the drawer.

Grateful for having four legs to keep her balance, Serena hurried stealthily around the next corner of the corridor, hoping that neither Voldemort nor the Death Eater would go that way. She was lucky, both headed for the other direction.

"Will you ever learn to close this door properly?" she heard Voldemort reproach the Death Eater and then both were out of earshot.

Serena could hardly hear herself think. That blasted alcohol! But she knew that this was the most important discovery she had made so far. She had to get the Pensieve. After making sure that she was alone, she returned to the door and transformed back. It took her only a minute to find out which of the passwords she had learned while spying was the one to open the door and she slipped into the room.

Tentatively, she touched the statue on Voldemort's desk. Nothing happened. She gripped it more firmly, then pushed and pulled in all directions, but without success. Trying to turn it didn't help either. The statue seemed only to react to Voldemort's touch. An investigation of the wall panelling quickly convinced her that she absolutely needed the star-shaped key to open the secret compartment.

Realising that she couldn't achieve anything at the moment, she left the office and headed back to the Assembly Hall as fast as her shaky feet could carry her. After she had left the forbidden corridor without being caught, she took a deep breath of relief. But she had rejoiced too soon. Following the corridor to the stairs, she bumped into Lucius Malfoy.

"Oh, Serena," he said in a mocking tone that she didn't like at all. "I was wondering where you've gone to. Have I already told you that you're wearing an especially beautiful dress today?"

The gaze that he let wander over her dress gave Serena the unpleasant feeling that she wasn't wearing a dress at all.

"Narcissa found it," she mumbled, trying to get past him.

"My wife has an excellent taste. She truly knows what I like," Lucius said insinuatingly.

He was now so close that Serena could smell the alcohol on his breath. She took a step backward to increase the distance between them. Lucius followed instantly and without Serena noticing he steered her deeper into the corridor. Then everything seemed to happen at once, giving her befuddled mind no chance to prevent it.

Serena felt suddenly Lucius' hands on her shoulders and his lips on her mouth. She wanted to protest but that proved to be a mistake. As soon as she opened her mouth Lucius seized the opportunity to invade it with his tongue. Instinctively, she tried to back away, but the wall behind her thwarted it. When she lifted her hands to shove him away, he seized them roughly and pinned her arms behind her back. It was an easy matter for him to hold an iron, painful grip on her crossed wrists with his right hand. He pushed her against the wall, rendering her nearly unable to move. Then he deepened his kiss and began to lift the skirt of her dress with his free hand.