- Harry Potter/Severus Snape
- Harry Potter Severus Snape
- Slash Angst
- The Harry Potter at Hogwarts Years
- Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Order of the Phoenix
Published: 01/12/2005Updated: 02/09/2005Words: 146,361Chapters: 30Hits: 275,831
Green Eyes Sublime
- Story Summary:
- When Harry returns to Hogwarts for his sixth year, only Severus seems to truly notice how deeply Harry's despair goes. Since Dumbledore is as blinded as everyone else, Severus decides to take matters into his own hands and help. But doing that means opening up his own soul and secrets to the Boy-Who-Lived, because Harry isn't going to just heal in one day. SS/HP, SLASH and depression related theme.
- Chapter Summary:
- Sixth year for Harry is full of despair and in Seventh year, life changing decisions have to be made. In darkness and destiny Harry discovers his own identity while learning to earn the love of a Potions master.
- Author's Note:
- Thanks: To my wonderful beta readers Amanda_Saitou and Philo whose wonderful help kept me sane.
To Breathe Again
At first it was so subtle that Severus wasn't sure if he was not imagining it.
It was Harry Potter after all and one could at least expect some form of sadness to radiate from the sixteen year old boy. Potter's whole life was built around hurt and sadness. Besides, that had not bothered him before in his previous five years of Hogwarts. He had seemed happy enough during the time. Maybe Severus was just imagining it, but at times he wasn't quite so sure.
Now he was certain.
There was an intense melancholy that had settled over the teen. More than that really and Severus knew now. He had been watching Potter for some time and no matter how subtle it seemed during the general feel of the Hogwarts' buzz, three weeks was a long time for someone to seem so deeply sad.
Potter hardly smiled anymore, and when he did it never reached the intense green of his eyes. He laughed only to soothe the inquiry of others now it seemed. And he hardly ate anything anymore. That was important because Potter had always been like every other teenage boy in the vicinity of food and now he wasn't like that anymore. He ate slowly if he ate anything at all, because now he general picked at the food, lost in a daze. It almost seemed as if he couldn't swallow or as if the food was having a problem getting by something blocking his throat.
When he wasn't so sad, Potter was so angry. He and Malfoy had their usual row at the beginning of the year on the Hogwarts Express, but eight days later Severus had been walking to the Great Hall only to come upon a very livid Potter trying to pound Malfoy into the ground. Of course he had given Potter detention with McGonagall and deducted fifty points from Gryffindor at once.
A week later and Potter was in yet another fight.
This time it took place in the Great Hall itself and he had watched as it progressed right until the very end when Potter, Weasley, Malfoy and Zabini had to be physically separated. Malfoy and Zabini had only been up to their usual taunts and Potter seemed to have simply snapped. Weasley, in his haste to protect Potter had only just got mixed into the melee, not entirely intentionally. Again points were deducted and a week detention was assigned to each boy.
There wasn't much Severus could have done even if he really tried. One hundred points from Gryffindor in the space of a week for two fights was extreme, especially for Potter. The boy had done nothing but cause a disruption in Hogwarts since the moment he had arrived, but he had more sense than that and usually he practiced restraint much better.
One would think that as an added incentive, the shiny red and gold 'Prefect badge' that now rested against his chest would sway him away from the idea of doing anything to jeopardizing his position. But, it seemed that common sense, somewhat uncharacteristically, flew out the window regularly for the Wizard these days.
Something was definitely wrong with Potter.
Severus had gone to see Albus in private on the matter of course. He still had his reputation to uphold, but he knew how much Albus loved the boy. It wouldn't do to lose the Golden Boy to something akin to unipolar depression and if he was honest to himself, he hadn't sacrifice so much for the cause only to have the stupid child waste away before his eyes. He doubted that anyone in the wizarding world would forgive him if he did. He wasn't too eager to test their patience.
"Of course he's a little depressed Severus, he just lost his godfather. What did you expect?" Dumbledore had replied.
Snape shook his head. His dark eyes were deep and impenetrable. Whatever private thoughts he kept were usually kept just that...private, which to Dumbledore proved a great deal. Severus didn't just waste his time worrying over petty things and insignificant students.
"I know he's been through a lot these five years. I know he just lost his godfather. I know everyone gets sad at the loss of someone in their lives, but I have had to learn a lot about this boy in the last year, because that was what you asked us all to do. I won't have the little brat thinking that he can cheat the Wizarding world somehow. Heaven only knows why anyone had to tell him how important he is. It all just went to his stupid little head, but I have seen this behavior before. I know it first hand. I just wanted to point you in the direction that I foresee this going," Severus Snape had retorted angrily. "I'd be damned if I am the one blamed for not keeping an eye on the stupid child. I've done my part, now you do yours."
This time it was Dumbledore who shook his head.
"You are reading too deep into this Severus, I really don't think it's any more than grief that Harry is feeling right now," he sighed. "But I trust you Severus and I trust your judgment. If you truly think that Harry is in trouble or needs guidance then all I can do is to leave it to you to decide what action to take. I have interfered in his life enough for now. I doubt he would want me to directly interfere anymore."
Severus had stood up so swiftly then, that the chair he had been sitting on crashed to the floor.
"How can you be so blinded by how much you love this child?" he asked angrily. "He doesn't need me, he needs you to save him! It isn't me that he trusts!"
Dumbledore stared at him calmly and only his own eyes showed his inner turmoil. "I don't think you realize this Severus, but I doubt Harry trusts me any more that he does you now. I would probably be more likely to hit a brick wall when it comes to him than you would any more. He'll be fine, but if he isn't then you are welcome to try to help him."
When Severus Snape left Dumbledore's office then, he was angrier than he had been for a long time. He had gone back to watching Potter and the more he saw, the angrier he became. Potter was being difficult and as always he chose the worst times. He was the bane of Severus' life. Even now when he worked to protect the boy, he did not understand anything about him, except what he was so certain of now. Harry Potter was suffering from emotional turmoil and if he didn't get help soon the boy would either have a nervous break down or physically snap, which of course was not the type of news one wanted to have to break to the world.
Severus didn't want to have to help the insufferable pest. He did not want to have to become a confidante, which he realized he would have to, to Harry Potter. Watching as Potter threw a death glare across the Great Hall at Malfoy, then as the expression quickly faded to deep internal conflict as they turned back to their meals, Snape scowled as fiercely as he could.
Severus abhorred the feeling of being worried.
Harry could feel eyes watching him again.
Always the eyes were there, burning a hole through him. Always, his every action was taken note of, whether through hateful eyes or worshiping eyes. He hated it and wished he could tell them all to bugger off and leave him be.
They were always watching him. The whole world was watching. They expected so much of the Boy-Who-Lived. Harry wanted to scream at the stupidity of having a world put all their trust in him. He wanted to scream at the inadequacy that he was to this role of hero that they had given him.
Why? Why him? Why did everything always happen to him? What had he done? If he did something would he be able to take it back in exchange for his sanity?
He was losing his mind slowly but surely he knew.
He was falling apart right before everyone's eyes and no one seemed to notice. It was like screaming at the top of his lungs to a world of people and having everyone just smile and wave as they passed.
To be noticed and invisible. How could he be opposites of himself? How did everyone manage to look right through him everyday without losing themselves in the despair within him?
Harry wasn't sure how long he could endure.
"Harry? Where are you going? You're going to miss dessert," Hermione said when he stood to leave.
He flashed her what he hoped was a good enough smile. "It's okay. I'm not really that hungry today. Besides, I have something I need to do before I turn in for bed tonight. I'm really tired so I figure I should just get it over with now."
Hermione nodded understandingly and Harry smiled again. As soon as he left the Gryffindor table, the smile was lost. In his hurry he didn't notice the dark eyes that watched him from the Professors' table. And if he did he hardly cared anymore.
Everyone was always watching Harry Potter anyway.
"Oy, 'Mione where'd Harry go?" Ron asked when he noticed Harry's retreating form across the room.
Hermione shrugged at Ron from where she was beside him. "He said he had something to do. Said he was tired and wanted to get it done or something."
"Tired? Blimey, it's just after seven! What's he doing being tired so early?" Ron asked in dismay.
He had only seen Harry doing classes since they got back and now that they were in sixth year, they couldn't quite converse in class so much anymore. Then he and Harry had gotten the week's detention from Snape and that had limit the amount of time they had seen each other even more. Now that their penance was paid, he had hoped to spend the night chatting it up with his best friends. The news that Harry had other things on his mind was fairly disappointing.
Hermione laughed at Ron's expression.
"What's so off with him being tired Ron?" she asked still amused. "He's had two straight weeks of detention since he got back. Since tonight is finally the first night he gets to be free again, he's probably trying to catch up on all the sleep he's lost."
Ron shrugged and nodded. Hermione was right of course but it was still really odd that Harry hadn't at least tried to wait up a bit for them to at least catch up on stuff.
Harry couldn't breathe and his hand was trembling again.
He stood bent over one of the sinks in the abandoned girl's bathroom that he and his friends had used in their second year to brew the Polyjuice Potion. It wasn't a potion that was making Harry alternately wretch and gasp for breath now though.
Lifting his head he looked at his reflection in the magical mirror and waited for the tears that blurred his vision to fall.
He felt them sliding down his cheeks and he squeezed his eyes shut but they kept falling anyway. Then he was gasping so loud it felt as if his soul was being mangled within his body. In his mind a multitude of images flashed in succession.
All the pain he had caused.
All the deaths.
All the people who had died in his name.
He hadn't saved them. He couldn't save them or anyone else.
They were blocking his throat, clouding his thoughts and he couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe except as he tried to gasp at the air surrounding him that wasn't enough. That felt as if it would never be enough to stop the pain. It would never be enough to fill the hole inside of him.
He couldn't breathe and he needed something to block out the pain inside.
With downcast eyes he reached across the sink for the knife blade he had conjured up earlier. With his other hands he wiped the tears from his eyes even as they kept flowing. He held his hand before his eyes and stared at the transparent liquid that glistened on it and he wondered why the liquid wasn't red.
His soul felt so damaged. If it felt as if he was being ripped apart inside, then he should be bleeding.
His tears should be blood.
It wasn't and the tears didn't stop the pain. The gasps he made as he tried to suck air into his soul didn't stop the pain. He knew only one way to match the pain he was feeling inside. He rolled the left sleeve of his robe and shirt up to his shoulder and raised the blade in his hand. On the inner part of his arm there were many thin lines marking previous scars. Usually they were invisible but not now.
Still crying, still gasping, still hurting so badly, he pressed the sharp blade onto the soft skin and very slowly dragged it down. He watched as the blood began to flow.
Then the tears stopped and the gasps quieted and the pain began to ease and he could breathe again.
He could breathe again and there was no pain.
As soon as his breath became normal again he dropped the blade unto the floor and used his wand to dispose of it. Then he turned his eyes to the wound on his inner arm. There was so much blood. Always there was so much blood but that was okay.
Using his wand again and a spell he had learned for this very purpose he sealed the wound. It would still be red and raw, but he had stopped the bleeding now. It would still hurt for a while too but that was also okay because it meant that he wouldn't have to do this for at least another two weeks. It would be his reminder when the pain inside began to increase again.
He was about to turn the pipe on to wash the blood off his arm. He had learned a long time ago that cleansing spells and new wounds didn't work well together. The spell would reopen the wound and he didn't need that. He was about to wash the wound off when he heard a sound behind him and he quickly turned around.
Moaning Myrtle was standing there with translucent tears in her big sad eyes.
"What have you done Harry Potter?" she asked with her high pitched ghostly voice. "That was very bad. You're not supposed to do that even if you did feel sad."
"Go away Myrtle," Harry said softly as he begun to wash his arm.
Moaning Myrtle gasped loudly. Usually Harry was fairly civil to her, but this was bad. First she had watched him hurt himself, and then he had hurt her.
Something was wrong with Harry Potter.
"Where is Potter?"
Hermione and Ron were accosted outside the Great Hall as soon as they had finished their supper. It had been almost an hour since Harry had left them at the Gryffindor table and now as they turned to look into the unfeeling eyes of their Potions Professor, they wondered if Harry was in for another detention.
"He left to do something about an hour or so ago," Hermione answered since Ron looked as if he opened his mouth nothing respectful would depart. "I don't know what it was Professor, but then he said he was tired anyway and so would probably end up going to bed after."
"I see," their Professor answered and when he didn't say any more Hermione took it to mean that he was through with them.
Ron thought it was the perfect opportunity to speak then. "He hasn't got any more detention Professor. He hasn't done anything wrong so don't think you can pin another one on him either. He's been through enough without you hounding him, you know. I would have thought you would at least have understood something of that."
If the Professor wasn't scowling before he certainly was then as his eyes went an even darker shade of black when they narrowed.
"What I want of Potter is my concern Weasley, but I'll have you know that I need to be told where he is for his own good," Snape said very softly.
Before needing to say more he spotted Harry as he turned from a corner and began to head in the direction of the Gryffindor Tower.
"If you two will excuse me," he said to Ron and Hermione who was still standing there. Without turning as he begun to walk away he declared over his shoulders, "By the way Weasley, that will be ten points from Gryffindor. I won't tolerate your cheek. Be grateful I have not assigned you another detention."
Ron made to comment but immediately Hermione clasped a hand over his mouth to stop his words. With the ten points he had just lost and the one-fifty from earlier, she wasn't sure the Gryffindors wouldn't test to see if any of the three could run faster than they could hex them if they lost any more points.
Besides Snape wouldn't try to hurt Harry now would he? After all, he did work for the Order. She doubted that Dumbledore would take the news well if the Professor did try anything. So that meant that Harry was safe, right?
As she led Ron away, she tried not to remember how much the Potions Professor detested her and her best friends.
"Potter, I need to have a word with you!"
All the other students in the corridor quickly found somewhere to depart to as they heard the professor's voice behind them. Yet, the one who's attention he was after seemed to be oblivious to his call.
"Potter!" he said again a little louder but determined not to resort to shouting.
Again, Harry just kept walking. Noticing this, Severus quickened his pace and soon he was just behind the boy to reach out and grab one of his arms.
He wasn't prepared for the loud shout of pain that Harry exclaimed at the contact.
Turning to face his Professor immediately, Harry tried to understand what was happening behind the dark brooding eyes. They were blank however, devoid of any emotion or thought.
Severus did release the arm that he had been grasping so tightly and quickly brought his fingers up to examine.
Inwardly Harry cursed himself continuously.
Stupid! Stupid! How could he have been so stupid! He had forgotten to put the concealing charm on his arm to hide the wound or anything pertaining to it and the other scars. Moaning Myrtle had distracted him and to leave her presence he had quickly washed his arm and left. He hadn't heard Snape calling him because he had been lost...in everything. He hadn't realized that someone would grab his arm to get his attention.
Now he knew he was in trouble because although his school robe was black and it covered his arm very well, when the Professor had grabbed unto it he had felt the spell break.
Even from where he stood he could see that the Professor's fingers were covered in blood.
"Potter, follow me. We need to have a talk," Severus said as he finally pulled his eyes away from the blood on his hand and quickly hid both hands in the pockets of his robe.
It wasn't a statement so much as it was a command. In dejection Harry hung his head slightly and nodded.
A few yards behind them, Hermione, Ron and just about every other student in the corridor watched them walk away and they wondered what sort of confrontation had just occurred between the two.