Quidditch in Bed

Chapter 5: Employing a referee

You may be wondering how the use of a referee will transfer to the wider game of Quidditch. Never fear, all will be explained.

As in any sport, there exist various courts of final arbitration, notably various books that pretend to be the ultimate authority on the timeless tackle between bedazzling broomsticks. You will note that this book does not claim a position of final authority, more that it provides pass notes that will enable you to play the game and play it well. As in most things the 1473 principle applies - you shouldn't be given ideas. Many of the fouls that you can play are held only in the folk memory of the witches, who are capable of remembering every single yellow card in a generally exemplary playing record. You, the wizard, are never allowed access to that list unless you commit one of those fouls, and even then you are expected to guess what you have done, braving the silencing spells, or even some vicious hexes. When asked, a Harpies representative commented that "we wouldn't want to give them wizards ideas, would we?" before proceeding to demonstrate a few fouls of her own.

For this reason it is generally suggested that you agree before hand the rules under which the match will be played, and to which court the final arbitration will be taken. You won't ever win, but at least you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you were actually in a position to know the rules.

It is not generally considered a good idea to consult the public referees, as this is tantamount to treachery. Instead, you may prefer to consult the linesmen to ensure that what you are doing is within the rules.

Generally, it is suggested that you have a reliable female to whom you can turn for advice. She should have at least a passing acquaintance with the general rules of play in your area, if not an idea of "the Rules" that seem to govern witches.

She should be able to tell you what the expected reparations will be according to any fouls that you may or may not have committed. Note the may not. Even if she is in the wrong, it is likely that you will be the one paying the reparations to her, and not the other way around.

Having a referee to whom you can both turn can have both its advantages, and its disadvantages. The danger is that the referee will find themselves trapped between two warring teams, and will decide to wash his or her hands of the entire match. You may also find that witches will naturally team up, or she may decide that the two of you are ganging up against your opposition.

On the other hand, having a referee that knows both teams well allows for patterns of behaviour to be picked up and dealt with. Some wizards have a reputation for foul play, and having a reputable referee will reassure your witch of your honest intentions, and distance you from the less chivalrous individuals. It can work equally well to your own advantage, as certain witches choose to play by "The Rules" as opposed to the standard volumes on the sport. These include requiring you to cede home advantage to her for the first three games, and restricting you to purely practice games, without the real snitch or bludgers, until such time as you are able to demonstrate you are playing fairly. It is the considered opinion of the authors that you should not solicit the company of such witches, as, if they are choosing to play a different game, then it is their look out. It's rather like an American wizard coming over and expecting to play Quodpot at the World Cup Stadium.

A referee that knows only one side is of necessity seen as being somewhat less than impartial. Although this can be helpful in the long term, in the short term it can lead to a few minor complications and misunderstandings.

The aim should be that a referee is not needed, and indeed it is possible to play a game without one. For a game that is in danger of being prolonged, however, it can be too easy to be wrapped up in the inter-play between either side, and thereby failing to recognize a blatant foul that would be called by any others on the field.

Snitchnip in particular can be a problem. For your benefit, we list a few common fouls.

Blagging - holding your opponent back, in order to prevent them scoring goals. This is a very serious offence, and tends to occur later on in a game. However, tendencies may be marked at the earliest stages of a match, and should be judiciously avoided. If you find yourself repeatedly looking for a means of scoring the next goal, instead of simply enjoying the game, then maybe you should be playing a different sport.

Blatching - in this version of the game, collisions can be engineered with some quite successful results. However childish pranks are best avoided, unless you are very good.

Cobbing - poor table manners are inexcusable, and the young wizard is referred to Madame Min's guide to etiquette and deportment. The use of elbows at the dinner table is an appalling lack of manners, as it prevents the house-elves from completing their duties.

Bumphing - Rude gestures to on-lookers are to be avoided. As young adults you should leave petty rivalries and inter-house squabbles behind in Hogwarts. There is a danger that you may find yourself endangering yourself, or upsetting one of her beaters, a situation that is best left alone.

Flacking - If someone else has reached the goal hoops before you do, the chivalrous thing to do is to bow out gracefully, and leave the sour grapes to someone else.

Haversacking - holding onto the quaffle while scoring is not done. And putting ones hand sans quaffle through the hoop in its entirety is not something that we even contemplate.

Quaffle-pocking - Having damaged equipment or having damage inflicted on your equipment is somewhat unpleasant, and one of the few times that any referee is liable to rule in your favour, provided the damage isn't due to poor maintenance on your part.

Stooging - more than one player entering the scoring area is something only done with the consent of all parties, and a good deal more than a casual acquaintance.

Snitchnip - completing your game and then abandoning it, or else catching a snitch that was meant for someone else. All may be fair in love and war, but Quidditch is simply a game, and should therefore be played in a sporting manner. Some people argue that it is both, but it still doesn't excuse being a bad sport.