Quidditch in Bed

Quidditch in Bed: TextualSphinx's Challenge

A/N: The following piece is based on 'Why Slytherins are Sexier' a one-shot piece by Textual Sphinx (http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=339569), which came out of the sorting hat song by morrigan.
Most of this is innuendo, and not particularly explicit. However those of delicate sensibilities should be careful of where they direct their eyes. For this reason it is rated R. It is inherently sexist.
Details of the challenge:
It must have certain chapter titles and quotations from WSAS.

-------------

Without further ado, may I introduce:

Quidditch in Bed

Chapter 1 ~ The Playing Field

The point of this little book is to help a wizard catch the Snitch in the most enjoyable way possible. Quidditch relies on the abilities of the individual wizard, and if one member of the team is deficient in the sport it lets the side down. The future of the game relies on your acquiring sufficient expertise to play a good game. Like Quidditch this activity when played well is extremely pleasurable, and is best played in an atmosphere of sporting behaviour.

It is important to survey the whole stadium, before you begin, in order to look out for potential pitfalls, and also for possibilities for easy scoring. Playing predictably is the fastest way to lose, but if you have a well-executed manoeuvre, then stick with it, as it will improve your confidence.
As with any game of Quidditch, excessive consumption of alcohol before any match is considered ill-advised. Although potions are available to help in this situation, excessive consumption is the fastest way to wind up the game with a crashed broom, and no game-plan.

Knowing your territory is important - having your own place in the changing rooms matters in these situations. Although communal baths have their place, it isn't considered the most advisable way to begin a match, unless your witch is a particularly good sport.
Begin the event with good preparation. Look out for missiles that might mimic the Snitch, but prove to be nothing more than a mere distraction from the real thing.

Know who the opposing team are, and what their weaknesses are. This is best done by close observation. Casual players may want to skip on this bit, but the expert Quidditch player will know the advantages of knowing all the manoeuvres and tactics of the opposing team.
Begin by knowing the layout of the stadium - where the nooks and corners are that might allow for some covert feinting without actually having to commit to a particular action

Of course, the point of the game is to get your Quaffle through the hoop, and therefore this text will focus primarily on this aim. However a word to the wise wizard may be:

Ignore her Bludgers at your peril - you miss out on the possibility of a great deal of entertainment. Unlike your usual Bludgers however they should be treated with a small measure of delicacy. Our Witches like to be treated with some respect for their person. A poorly handled Bludger may well rear up and cause injury to your face, and I would advise you to remember this when handling your witch. It isn't simply the Bludger, but the force that is behind it that one should consider when handling these temperamental objects.

Like your Quidditch field, your witch doesn't simply consist of one hoop. We, the authors, would like to draw attention to the other hoops, and point out that scoring through these can also be quite satisfactory.
Ultimately of course, the goal is to find that elusive Golden Snitch, that wins the game, and allows you to head for your shower and bed, safe in the knowledge that you have played a good game. Unlike Quidditch however, a Snitch can be caught by your opposition as well.

This little book will provide you with an all round guide to the Quidditch field. In the interest of equal opportunities and after repeated requests we have included chapters on equal scoring, and your witch and the Snitch.

Enjoy yourselves

The Authors.

Chapter titles:

Chapter 1 ~ The playing field
Chapter 2 ~ Choosing your equipment
Chapter 3 ~ Sizing up the opposition
Chapter 4 ~ Setting up a match
Chapter 5 ~ Employing a referee
Chapter 6 ~ Standard Manoeuvres: Chasing
Chapter 7 ~ Advanced Manoeuvres: Chasing - beating the keeper
Chapter 8 ~ Standard Manoeuvres: Keeper - when you need to fend them off
Chapter 9 ~ How to be a good sport
Chapter 10 ~ Seeker diversions
Chapter 11 ~ Seeker tactics
Chapter 12 ~ Polishing your broom
Chapter 13 ~ Equal Scoring*
Chapter 14 ~ Your Witch and the Snitch*
"It isn't enough to find the Golden Snitch, grab it and think you've won the game. This is where your expert tactics are just beginning."
Chapter 15 ~ After the game - etiquette
Chapter 16 ~ Unforeseen consequences - why you should know your rules
Chapter 17 ~ Setting up a return match.
Chapter 18 ~ Playing away
Chapter 19 ~ Coping with injuries
Chapter 20 ~ Taking care of your mates

*required elements.