Moon and Stone

Salazar woke, breathing deeply to try to calm himself, and found himself in a perfectly safe, cheerful, familiar room that smelled of soup. This was probably because there was a steaming bowl of it on the table; someone must have brought it in.

He couldn't believe he'd brought up Gwen, especially not like that. But Godric had so taken him by surprise... Not that there was anything wrong with flirting with Helga, of course. She was a lovely and kind woman. Any man would be lucky to have her affection. But he hadn't been trying to lead her on; hadn't even thought his teasing would be interpreted that way. His instinctive reaction to Godric's words was so surprised because... well, he was married!

But he wasn't, not anymore, and it was his fault....

It had just been so long since he'd had anything resembling a normal home. Being on the move again every month precluded any real discussion of his personal life, and he'd tried his best not to think about what he'd lost any more than he had to.

He should probably apologize to Godric. And Helga. And Rowena, just to make it all-inclusive.

Salazar sighed and pulled the tray over to him. He'd eat first. Maybe some solution would magically appear at the bottom of the bowl.

It didn't, though a lot of vegetables, some meat, and something that seemed to have cooked itself into a sort of enjoyable paste turned up in various portions of the broth. Someone tapped on his door as he was finishing. "...Come in," Salazar called out cautiously.

"Ah, awake at last," Rowena said cheerfully, stepping inside and looking approvingly at the now-empty bowl. "We've been checking every now and then all afternoon. You were tired, weren't you?"

"Yes." He summoned a wry smile, amazed all over again at finding himself already recovered enough to hiss less. "It's a fairly strenuous event. I... do appreciate the trouble all the rest of you went to."

"Trouble? I don't recall any trouble. Just Godric getting a chance to practice with his stone some more and Helga trying out a new healing spell. Not a bit of trouble for anyone." She touched his hand lightly. "Except for you. If we'd had any idea being confined like that would have such a result...."

"You really don't... understand, I think -- it's worth it. So very much worth it -- a few bites, to know I can't have hurt anyone, and then you let me resst."

"You're right," she replied softly, wrapping both her hands around his and turning it over gently. "I don't understand. I don't see how going through such pain can possibly be worth it, when it still makes my heart ache to think of how we found you after. I'd thought you would wake up begging us to find another way. Instead you called it wonderful." She was silent for a moment, her fingers lightly playing with his hand. "I don't think I've really understood what you went through before you came here. But even not understanding, I'm sorry for it."

"I... it was more painful for a little while, I suppose, but not... it always hurts. It's the nature of the transformation. I didn't have to -- I was worried, but I didn't have to be afraid I'd hurt any of you -- or anyone -- and I feel far, far better now than I usually would." He hesitated. "Most months, after the transformation was over, I would use magic to pick myself up and find a place to hide until I felt I could look for something to eat. This -- you three -- you've kept me from hurting anyone, healed me and fed me and given me a safe placce to rest, and you --" He had to swallow. "You sssaid I was home."

"The first four anyone should've been willing to do, if they had the ability. Had you been a bitter nasty old man who spent his spare time practicing hexes on our chickens, we still would have done all that. As for what I said...I would have said it sooner if I'd known you doubted. Salazar, we like you. I never had a brother, but you're what I'd imagine one would be like. If a little care and tending once a month is the cost to have you around, we all pay it gladly."

"That...is rarer than you seem to think. I can't blame anyone for not wanting me to stay; I -- I am very grateful." He managed to smile through the threat of tears. "And I like the three of you very much also."

"Good. Because as far as I'm concerned, you're stuck with us for a very long time."

"I would ssay," Salazar began, then had to stop and swallow, "that I can certainly live with that."

"Well, I would hope so! Helga's put far too much work into you for you to die now." Rowena's voice was tart but with a teasing note. "Besides, I have too many potions to learn from you still."

"See, ssome people would suggest that I should stop inconveniencing her," Salazar pointed out lightly. He needed to apologize, too. But he wasn't sure quite how....

"As I said, you've given her the chance to work on some new spells. And the most important part, of course, is that she certainly seems to enjoy spending time with you."

He winced at that; not that he wasn't pleased to be enjoyable company, but... "Ah, that reminds me -- I wanted to apologize...."

She blinked at him. "For being enjoyable company? Salazar, has anyone ever told you that you apologize too much?"

"No, no, for -- I was very rude earlier -- I should probably have apologized to Godric and Helga first, but you're here --"

"I don't recall a time when you were the least bit rude," Rowena replied. Then it hit her. "Oh. Salazar, that wasn't rude. You had every right to be upset at teasing, and I don't blame you for not wanting to talk about it. If I lost...." She stopped and shook her head. "I assure you, no one took offense."

"I... appreciate that. But I was very abrupt." He paused. "I had not... thought... or expected...."

"Hmm. Neither had we, or I promise you Godric wouldn't have said that. You've spoken so seldom of your family... which is your right, of course," she added quickly so he wouldn't think she was prying for details.

"That's... I'm not accustomed to having occasion." He closed his eyes for a moment. "I should not have forbidden him to speak of it again; I know it wasn't intentional...."

"I tell you again he took no offense. If you wish to remove the prohibition, you still can, of course. And if you DO wish to speak of...anything to any of us, we wouldn't mind. I know I wouldn't."

"I... thank you."

"And if you never want to talk about it again, that's perfectly fine as well. Now then, did you want some more soup?"

"Ah...." Salazar blinked, slightly disoriented by this practical change of topic, and then nodded. "Yes. Thank you."

"You're welcome." She smiled at him and flicked her wand to summon another bowl of soup from the kitchens. If Godric or Helga ran across the bowl floating through the air, they'd know Salazar was awake and come by as well. Rowena rather hoped he'd decide to talk some more, but didn't want to push, not after how he'd reacted to Godric. "It's good your appetite's up."

A smile flickered like a serpent's tongue. "I said I had trouble sleeping after the full moon, not eating."

"And you said you had trouble doing both before," she countered, returning his smile with a grin of her own that showed a dimple in one cheek. "So I'm glad to see you eating, since I know you've been doing quite a bit of sleeping already!"

"The initial exhaustion always helps to start," Salazar agreed. "Helga's spell is very helpful, though... I really must learn it from her."

She's been teaching Godric and me already, actually. It's not that difficult once you get the knack."

"I wonder if they always talk?"

It took a few moments of blinking before she figured out he meant the serpents in the Caduceus illusion. "Oh! No, they don't. Not to me, at least, and Godric said he didn't hear anything either. But then, we're not Parselmouths, so we wouldn't understand them if they did say anything." She leaned forward with a look of insatiable curiosity. "What DO they say?"

"That's what I wonder -- whether they say things only to me, or if they always say what the caster means, only it's usually not consciously understood... They always speak to me of... safety, mostly."

"That's a very effective thing to talk about when you want someone to calm down, I suppose," Rowena said with a smile. "I suppose we'll have to wait until we find another Parselmouth to experiment on before we know for sure."

He chuckled. "It's a pleasant experiment, at least. How does it work for you? The soothing?"

"Not as well as it does for you!" she chuckled. "It's just a general feeling of... well, peace. Comfort. It doesn't seem to be coming directly from the serpents; they're more of a focal point. But then, I've never seen anyone react to it the way you do."

Salazar blushed faintly. "Well -- Helga did say that it helped if the patient already associated the symbol with healers. I imagine it might not work so well for someone who disliked snakes."

"That's a sensible assumption. We'll have to test that on someone as well. Though it should be easier to find a person who doesn't like snakes than another Parselmouth." She grinned at him. "See, you inspire all sorts of experiments."

"I think you might find such an individual less enthusiastic, though," Salazar felt compelled to point out.

"Hmm, true enough. Well, I'll think on it. Oh, here's your soup. I was starting to think it had been hijacked." Rowena looked up as a fresh bowl of soup floated into the room, followed by a grinning Godric.

"It was. I ran into it and decided to follow. 'Lo, Salazar. Feeling better?"

"Considerably." Salazar gave the bowl a hopeful look; Godric laughed and directed it onto his tray. "Ah, Godric, I wanted to apologize for snapping at you this morning...." It occurred to him belatedly that this was perhaps not the best phrasing.

"If memory serves, you were snapping at Helga, not at me. Don't worry about it in either case." Godric pulled a chair up to the other side of Salazar's bed from where Rowena sat and settled down. "It's understandable, and I told you it wouldn't affect us anyway."

Salazar covered his eyes for a moment. "Still better not to take chances, and I didn't -- quite -- but -- oh, blast it. I was trying to apologize for speaking sharply."

"Oh." Godric blushed slightly. "My mistake. Though you don't need to apologize for that either. Lord only knows how many times I've snapped, and over less. I shouldn't have pushed at you, and I'm sorry for that."

"You didn't know."

"No. But I still wish I hadn't said anything."

"Not your fault. It wass jusst.... unexpected."

"I can imagine it would be." A pause. "And if I'm still forbidden to say anything, I'll shut up now, but if you do want to... I don't know. Talk or something. That's fine too."

"That was... rash of me. You aren't, but I -- there isn't that much to say." And far too much to feel.

Godric shrugged with a little grin. "It's nice to know I'm not the only rash one, actually. Rowena can't tease me as much now."

"I'm sure I can find one or two reasons," Rowena murmured.

"I'm sure you can," Salazar agreed with her. It got them off the subject....

"Ah, but then I find ways to tease her right back, and that's the most fun," Godric told him with a broad wink. "If you're very nice to me, I'll let you join in."

"Ah, but will I?" Rowena asked with a grin.

"And did either of you ask for my permission for teasing ME? Permission of the teasee is not required, my dear."

"Perhaps not," Salazar remarked, "but I doubt I would much like her vengeancce...."

Godric's eyebrow arched up. "Oh, so you think MINE would be pleasant, then? Hmm. It might be amusing to... teach you the error of your ways."

"Not pleasant. But it has been my experience that often it is wiser not to cross the female...."

"Isn't that usually mothers?" Helga asked innocently as she escorted a third bowl of soup in. "Not, mind you, that I am arguing with the sentiment."

Salazar smiled immediately at her entrance, though he eyed the bowl warily. "I said I didn't eat yesterday, not for an entire week, you know."

"Well, it'll keep warm until you do want it." She smiled back.

"It looks wonderful," he assured her. "I'm sure it will taste the same."

"How are you feeling? I looked in on you a few times earlier, and didn't sense anything further to be done at the moment, but if you're uncomfortable beyond being tired I can see what I can do."

"Just tired, and a little sore. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to feel like this.É Thank you so much."

"That counts as wonderful, hm? You're very welcome, of course..." She waved her wand and appeared to stare at invisible results, then nodded. "Right. Most of what you need now is rest, and that's easy enough to provide."

"Of course it counts as wonderful." Salazar gave her a somewhat confused look, then shrugged. "I'm happy to rest, believe me. It still feels strange, but I'm happy to try."

"Mm. You'll get used to it." She touched her fingertips to his forehead thoughtfully. "I can bring you something for the soreness if you like -- I'm not as good at potions as you, but I'm not incompetent either..."

Salazar looked slightly sheepish. "I... already brewed something, a few days ago. Not that I don't trust your skills, but I knew what I would need -- or rather want, now that I can have it." He shrugged and pointed to the desk. "It's in the green bottle in the bottom drawer."

"Oh, good planning then." She crossed to the desk and retrieved the bottle for him. "You hadn't mentioned."

"I've been asleep or eating most of the time," he admitted with a wry smile. He swallowed directly from the bottle, measuring it out only roughly. A little extra wouldn't hurt anything. "It's been a long time since I had a stillroom, but I still remember what to do."

"I rather thought you would." She sniffed curiously at the bottle before putting it away.

The potion started to spread cool fingers through his body, gently soothing away the lingering aches. Salazar thought that it was very pleasant but not as nice as Helga healing him, wondered fleetingly what inspired that thought, and colored just a little as he looked back up at his friends. "It's very effective."

"I don't think I'm familiar with this one -- for muscle aches, I take it, but I don't recognize the combination." Helga glanced at him. "Is there a heating component? You look a bit flushed."

"Erm...no, it's unrelated." Salazar decided the best explanation at this point was none, so plowed gamely on. "I'd be happy to share my recipes. They're not as good as you, but I'm ussed to them."

"I've no doubt at all that they're better than mine, actually -- I learned what I needed, of brewing, but it's never been my best skill."

"But your other healing skills more than make up for any lack."

She laughed. "Thank you. Still -- if you'd be willing to assist or teach me in this area..."

"Of course. It's the least I can do for making you heal me once a month."

"Making me? I don't think I so much as suggested I might object." She smiled at him. "I assure you I don't mind, even if for your sake I wish it weren't necessary."

Why wouldn't these people even let him show proper gratitude? "Well, I'm still glad of it, and would be happy to teach you anything you wish to learn."

"I'd appreciate that."

"If this is going to turn into a potions discussion," Godric spoke up suddenly, standing and stretching, "then I'm going to plead other engagements and leave. I have an experiment to check up on."

"Oh! Dinner!" Rowena blurted, jumping up as well. "Oh dear, I nearly forgot. Excuse us, Salazar, Helga."

Helga watched them leave, then turned to Salazar, blinking. "Did that sound to you the way it did to me?"

"...I'm not sure, but I'm still glad I'm eating invalid food instead of dinner with you three."

"Hmm. It did then -- though Rowena did make your soup."

Salazar eyed the bowl as if he expected it to begin tap dancing around the room at any moment. Though truthfully, that wouldn't be too unusual here. He finally pried his eyes away from it and looked back at Helga somberly. "Since they've left, there's something I needed to tell you. I -- well, not that they can't know, but I'd already told them and I doubt they want to hear me babbling again and -- I'm babbling now. I'm ssorry." Salazar stopped and took a breath. "I wanted to apologize for my reactions earlier. I had no right to speak to any of you that way, and I'm sorry."

Helga looked bewildered. "...What way? I don't recall you saying anything untoward.... Oh. About -- well. I'm sure you had the right to be upset. I certainly wouldn't hold it against you, and I can't imagine they would."

He shook his head. "WHY do the three of you persist in doing this? I was rude, it certainly isn't my right to forbid anyone of speaking of anything, and I'm apologizing for it!"

She considered this. "Very well. Apology accepted. But it is harder to blame than to forgive your speaking sharply over having just been... teased over a hard subject."

"A subject none of you had any way of knowing was painful, so I had no call to sspeak sharply. And...." He flushed a dull red. "I'm alsso sorry if I was... acting improperly, for Godric to have ssaid anything...."

"No," Helga said hastily, but her cheeks went a bit pink as well. "You didn't, and if... well, if he thought something objectionable he would not likely have approached it by making a joke. You were in no way at fault. And I... certainly didn't intend to be."

"No. No, you weren't. At all. It's... just hard to tell when Godric is joking sometimes...." As Salazar's voice trailed off, he tried frantically to calm his blushes and wondered what on earth had inspired him to bring this up again.

"Ah. Well. It was, I think, true enough that he thought we -- were flirting, or wanted to be. I didn't mean to give such an impression -- either to you or to onlookers to allow such jests...." She glanced away. "It had not occurred to me that I might be giving any hint of impropriety until... well."

"I didn't think you were in the least improper," he assured her earnestly. "I'm sure that any faults were mine, and I'll do my best to restrain my comments in the future." Because he had no business conveying any such impression, Salazar reminded himself firmly and with a hint of bitterness. He couldn't risk harming anyone, couldn't risk... anything, after what had happened to poor Gwen.

...And besides, even if she didn't recoil in horror from him, a woman such as Helga would hardly be interested in a part-beast.

"I had found nothing improper in your behavior, either."

"...Well then. Godric was just being...Godric, then." Salazar shrugged a little. "I'll sstill try to watch myself in the future. I wouldn't wissh to harm your reputation in any way."

"I somehow doubt it's in any danger; even if they did think anything, they're not much for gossip."

"True enough."

"So. Nothing to worry over."

"...I suppose not." He wished for a moment that she did think it was something to worry about, then told himself he was being an idiot and should be glad he had the chance to just be friends with her. And Godric and Rowena, of course. Right.

"And, of course, I would not wish you to...do anything you felt would dishonor your Gwen."

Hearing her name spoken suddenly made his throat tighten. He wished for one wild moment that he hadn't removed the restriction against speaking of her, then remembered that he had no right to demand such a thing anyway and he was just being foolish. It had been years! "Nothing I do or sssay now is likely to dishonor her," he finally managed to say tightly.

"...I'm sorry. I -- I shouldn't have -- I'm sorry," Helga said again, then swallowed. "Forgive me."

"No -- No, please, you don't have anything to apologize for. I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to ssnap again. You jusst caught me off-guard and... nothing I do now can harm her anymore," he finished very quietly.

"You didn't snap." Helga's eyes were on her fingers as she interlaced and then spread them. Fidgeting. "It was... the look in your eyes. I should have spoken more carefully, or not at all."

"...We are friends. You can sspeak of what you like. I know it wassn't in contempt or ill-intent."

"We are friends," Helga repeated gently, "and therefore I should have a care as to your feelings."

"...I have no right to protest in the first place," Salazar said very quietly. "I'm sorry, I ssshould never have brought it up."

"Salazar." There was the slightest hint of hesitation before Helga took his hand and gripped it tightly. "Wherever do you get that idea?"

"Never mind, Helga. Jusst....never mind."

"...Very well. But -- you may tell us, or decline to tell us, whatever you like."

"There's nothing to tell. Nothing at all." But he was gripping her hand back very tightly.

"As you like." Her voice was soft. But she brought her other hand up to the back of his, and she didn't let go.

He spat out something in quiet but virulent Parseltongue.

"...I'm sorry?" Helga asked a bit uncertainly, sitting back a little without pulling her hands away.

"There'sss nothing to tell. I told you, I can hardly hurt her any more now. Ssshe....She was sso young, Helga...."

They both had been, unless she missed her guess. "I'm so sorry." She freed one hand to lay tentatively against his cheek.

"It was long ago. I jusst... haven't been in one placce long enough to think about it since then. I'm sssorry."

"Mourning is nothing to apologize for."

"I sshouldn't have brought it up."

"I don't see why not. Unless it's simply that you don't wish to say any more...."

Salazar's jaw tightened. "Her mother told me after the funeral that I had no right to be there, or to sspeak of her. I think she was right."

Very softly indeed, "Why?"

"...Because I killed her."

Helga hesitated. "...You? Or the same werewolf that bit you?"

"...The werewolf. But I was ssupposed to defend her, and I was the only one sstill alive after. And... not even human."

"I cannot imagine of you that you failed to save her for lack of trying," she said softly. "And you are, still, human. Most of the month anyway."

"Not enough." He shook his head slightly. "I can sstill feel the moon, always, no matter what phase it's in. I can always feel... the wolf beneath my sskin. Silver has as much of an effect when the moon is new as when it's full. How much of me is really human anymore?"

"Your heart, I think. Your soul. The part that matters, what makes you yearn for friendship and yet flee human company until it's guaranteed you won't harm anyone. You."

He shrugged and looked away. "And where does the part that sshould have protected my wife insstead of letting her die horribly while I esscaped with hardly anything, only to turn into a monsster, fit in?"

"Hardly anything?" Helga sighed and shook her head. "I wasn't there, obviously; I don't know how it went -- but as I said, I find it difficult to imagine that her death was through any lack of effort on your part."

"Her family thought sso."

"It's very easy to lay blame when grieving."

Salazar shrugged again. "They said if there was any jusstice, I would have died there. Then... sssomeone elsse said I did, and only a beassst was left." He swallowed and looked away. "That'ss when I left."

Helga closed her eyes, her hands tight around his. That had probably been best; she somehow suspected that they would not have left "only a beast" alive much longer. "You are not 'only a beast,'" she said quietly. "You are a man, and I don't doubt you were in as much pain as they were over her loss, and even if you had been to blame in any way I think you would have paid the price many times over by now."

"Ssome debts can never be paid," he replied in a low voice. "She was young, and healthy... and happy. We would have had a family by now. Insstead she's dead and I'll never see the rest of them again." He was silent for a long moment, then said haltingly, "I'm sorry, I... shouldn't be sspeaking of sssuch things. You've all been sso kind...."

"And this is a reason not to talk to us?" She reached out again and brushed her fingertips carefully across his temple, then hesitated -- but only briefly -- before gathering him slowly into a hug again. "I still very much doubt it was your fault. That we could subdue you safely is... unusual... and there were three of us together. And forewarned, at that. But in any event... speak of whatever you wish or need."

He shouldn't be talking about Gwen and hugging another woman! But the embrace was so warm and welcoming, and Salazar was still touch-starved after all his years of wandering. So he just leaned into her and closed his eyes. "I sstill shouldn't... I don't want you to think I'm not... grateful...."

"Sshhhh." She'd half expected him to fend her off, but he didn't. "What do you think, that we'll take it as an insult if you talk of your past? If you still mourn her, and everything else you lost? We're not going to hold sorrow against you, Salazar."

"It was years ago." A wry smile. "I'm older than I look. I shouldn't sstill..."

"If it still hurts," she said quietly, "then it does. And you've said yourself you haven't really had time to think on it before."

"...Have you ever been married?"

She blinked. "No."

"Just wondering."

"I know...." She let go of him, gently, and sat back. "I do know I can't... imagine, very well. I could hardly blame you for pointing it out. Still...."

"Helga, you are a very dear friend. But...on thiss...I will listen to those who were there."

"Until the morning," she replied softly, "was that anyone else but you?"

"...No, but...that's not what I meant."

"I suppose not. Still... they didn't witness what happened any more than I did, though the results nearer at hand."

"Well... no. But I..." He stopped and shook his head. "I know what happened. If I'd been fasster or... ssomething, she'd sstill be alive."

"Maybe." She smiled sadly. "There are always if-onlys."

"I suppose..." His voice trailed off, then he looked back up and shrugged. "It doesn't matter what they think anymore anyway."

"Maybe not. It does matter what you think..." Helga picked up his hand again and squeezed it. "I think you're blaming yourself more than you need to, but that isn't really unusual."

He shrugged again and said wryly, "I am nothing if not usual. Ordinary, unextraordinary Salazar, that's what they call me. Except for the Parseltongue and lycanthropy, of course."

"And the odd sense of humor, clearly."

"With my life, you need to be able to laugh at yourself."

"I think most people need to do more of it than they do."

"I can't imagine you'd have much occasion to laugh at yoursself."

She blinked curiously. "Why not? I've done enough nonsensical things, as many as the next witch I'd think..."

He shrugged. "I suppose so."

"There's also always laughing at Godric and Rowena," she offered.

His smile finally reached his eyes. "They DO give ample opportunity for it, yess."

"And don't generally seem to mind, either. Experiments and dinner indeed."

"Godric laughs at himself too often to mind anyone else doing it." Salazar twisted his hands in front of him and said softly, "I'm still sorry for... unloading on you, but thank you for lisstening."

"You're welcome. And I mean that," she said earnestly. "I don't mind, truly."

"You're a very odd woman, Helga. But it is a fine quality in you."

"What's so odd about listening?"

Salazar was silent for a long moment, then said slowly, "The perssson who ssaid I had died and only a beasst remained was my own mother. Lisstening is rarer than you think."

"Oh." She swallowed hard. "I... am sorry." The words seemed very inadequate.

He shrugged again. "There's no reason for you to be ssorry. It was none of your doing."

"I sorrow for you, then."

"Even so."

She patted his hand gently. "I know you've been through much in your life, Salazar. But know that here you have a home for as long as you wish, and friends for longer than that. We care about you, and we will never turn from you."

Salazar said very softly, "Never is a very long time."

"Not for us." She squeezed his hand even tighter and leaned her forehead against his. "Friends forever, Salazar. All of us."

*****