God's Gift to Divination

God's Gift to Divination

"If you must know, Minerva, I have seen that poor Professor Lupin will not be with us for very long. He seems aware, himself, that his time is short. He positively fled when I offered to crystal-gaze for him -"

*

"It's not that I have anything against prophetic mumbo jumbo," explained James Potter, one fine November morning. He glanced around at us as he took a swig from his goblet. "But I have come to the conclusion that other fields of study have a greater need for my range of expertise."

I coughed delicately; I don't think I'll ever get used to the fact that James has an ego the size of an overgrown mountain troll. I suppose it doesn't disturb me terribly much, but it does get difficult trying to control laughter that would surely result in epileptic fits.

"Such as a certain Muggle-born redhead?" I suggested. James had taken to complaining about the frivolous worth of Divination lately; and I suppose the alternative elective of Muggle Studies now held more pertinence to him and his romantic endeavours.

A rough snigger followed, though it rather resembled a scoff more than anything else. Only Sirius Black possessed the ability to produce a sarcastic laugh, and he certainly used it often enough. "Prongs, mate, I ought to tell you now that there is no way to truly understand a woman. Not even through Muggle Studies."

Naturally, James ignored us both and prattled on. "It won't be easy convincing McGonagall, obviously, this being our OWLs year and all. But excellent grades, my friends," - he looked around at us again, in the same off-handed manner - "don't count for much."

No one suffering from my condition would disagree, and I didn't. But Hogwarts was not the real world, and it had good, fair people running the place. McGonagall would have a valid point in disallowing James from changing subjects, and it would be based on concern rather than malice. I could have said as much, but I would have been yelling into the ear of a particularly dim giant.

"So what do you have planned, James?" Peter Pettigrew ventured to ask the inevitable question. He was watching James with a mixture of excitement and expectation quite contrary to my own dread and anxiety. That said, I had realized long ago that I'd sleep easier if I knew what form the intended crime would take - at least, before the victim had found out for himself.

"Eliminate the problem, of course. And then: Ta-ta, Divination! So Remus, I'll need you to sit next to me later on. Padfoot, Wormtail; you'll both have to sit apart from us today, if that's alright."

And that was as much as he would tell us, only hints at the when and nothing of the how. I couldn't help but wonder what he had planned; it was unlike him neither to share, nor to force us into participating. Even Sirius didn't seem to know, if his frown meant anything; and Peter seemed disappointed that he wouldn't be taking part in this particular venture.

As for me, I have to wonder why I didn't take this little breakfast conversation more seriously; why I didn't persist in obtaining details. Even the most innocent lamb had the potential to mutate into a hideous monster in the hands of James Potter, and knowing that should have been warning enough.

*

We climbed into the Divination classroom with our usual bustle, though three were missing from our number. Two had gone the path of Muggle Studies (and would inevitably be targeted for private lessons with James, if he managed to drop Divination); and the other had chosen the arguably more linguistically-inclined choice of Ancient Runes.

This other was the famous Mademoiselle Lily Evans herself. It was a tad bit surprising that James had not chosen Ancient Runes in lieu of Divination, to allow him the luxury of seeing her more often, but I suppose the need to understand her (and subsequently, win her heart) ranked as a higher priority. It was a rare and fine show of far-sightedness of James' part. And that's saying a lot, because intelligent as he was, he never seemed to show any signs of it, nor did much tend to penetrate his notoriously thick skull.

It was typical James Potter luck, then, that thick skulls were a handy defensive implement during Divination class. The haunt of Professor Lyra Lailoken was situated far from the main building, somewhere up high on the Northern Tower. This, I think, was probably why she had gotten away with decorating the classroom the way she did

About ten stone tables circled one half of the room, leaving a notable gap at the trapdoor. Each table came with a matching stone seat; Lailoken was all about colour co-ordination and good posture. The other side of the room contained a neglected fireplace, which was flanked by curtains. We never figured out what the curtains cordoned off from our view, but Sirius had always speculated that this was where Lailoken kept a secret stash of Opium.

And I would have believed it- there was something off about the air in that room. The windows were perpetually latched and curtained, blocking even the most stubborn gusts of wind. The only source of clean air was from the chimney that led out of the fireplace, but even that air was tainted by scented candles and smoking pots of strange, dried flowers.

The centre of the room held an oval table which we'd gather round when Lailoken did her teaching or demonstrating. It was from this table that a dim green glow came, our only source of light. Subsequently, this was also the place where her words had the greatest effect - it is unutterably terrifying to look upon a woman who is seemingly being electrified by dank green light.

The hazy air, the sultry incense and the poor lighting all came together in an intoxicating combination: each student was effectively drugged and duped into hallucinating various Signs and Omens. Once, when we were studying Psephomancy, Peter had sworn that his pebbles formed the intricate pattern of symbols interpreted as the Devil, or the presence of an evil influence. Lailoken said naught to dispel the truth of this, much to my chagrin. James and Sirius might have had malicious tendencies at times, but they were hardly diabolic.

She obviously didn't agree, however. At least, not since the time James claimed with his I Ching sticks that her energy was scattered and unfocussed, and might he advise her to take a few years off teaching to replenish her spiritual vibes? Meditation by the Oracle at Delphi, perhaps...

But Professor Lailoken had chosen her oval table over Delphi, and this was where we found her today, meditating by a clear sphere of crystal. When the trapdoor finally closed, she opened her eyes and looked around at everyone.

"Welcome," she whispered, and we proceeded to crowd around her. Her thick flaxen hair fell off her magenta robes in loose braids, framing a gaunt face and bringing their attention to her eyes, which were otherwise unremarkable. "Today... we shall explore the noble art of crystal scrying."

A few people started whispering excitedly, but most were markedly unimpressed.

"Make no mistake!" she suddenly shrieked, causing everybody to jump. "This ancient method of scrying is not for those of weak minds or sloth-like disposition"- here she glared at James and Sirius- "Nor is it a mere matter of looking into the infinite depths of the Orb.

She gazed intensely at us all, sweeping her head in a half circle and catching each eye.

"Only with careful preparation may anyone See, and be not troubled by the spirits of the metaphysical realm..."

She went on to explain the fundamentals of looking into a crystal ball (a clear mind, a clairvoyant Inner Eye, focussing on the centre of the sphere); after which she warned us that if we broke one, we'd suffer the wrath of the Fates and doom ourselves to a life of blindness... and so on so forth. She chose to distribute the crystal balls to us personally, using her own discretion to decide what sort would suit us best.

"Some of you," she explained, glaring again and James and Sirius, "have been approaching the study of soothsaying with the impression that you are God's gift to Divination. And if that is indeed the case, let me assure you now that you are not..."

James only snorted as she continued to rant, before walking away. With some trepidation, I followed him to a table, clutching my quartz sphere. Peter and Sirius trooped off to the other side of the room, but not before James muttered that crystal gazing was the perfect setting for his up-coming stunt. I'd forgotten about that, actually, the musky air was making my head feel heavy...

"It's about clearing the mind, Moony," he told me, as we sat down by the table face to face. I felt too drowsy to reply, in contrast to his completely lucid behaviour. I couldn't even look at my crystal ball without feeling sleepy, and I found myself nodding off a number of times. James, on the other hand, stared belligerently into his own quartz orb. Despite staring unblinkingly for quite a while, his eyes hadn't turned glassy. It was a bit unnerving to see old Prongs all quiet and wide-eyed, so I opened my mouth to call out to him -

"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

- But before I could say anything, he began shrieking like a mad hyena. I started and nearly fell off my chair, and the rest of the class seemed to have reacted the same way. James was shaking now, his limbs jerking about violently. I gaped at him, not really sure if I should help him or not.

Was this the much-hyped stunt? If so, then James was far from outdoing himself. And my ears were starting to hurt. I looked around nervously, trying to see what Peter and Sirius were making of it and they appeared to be as startled and bemused as I was. Sirius shot me a questioning look, but I could only shrug in reply.

Professor Lailoken had hurried over to us; her lips and eyes were twitching madly. I couldn't tell if she was confused, annoyed or frightened.

"Mr. Potter!" she yelled, trying to make herself heard over his high-pitched howling. "What is the meaning-"

"SILENCE!" James' yelled, though in a voice did not sound like his own. This was more guttural, more soprano. More... feminine. He stood up, scowling at her. "I am ZAI THE ENLIGHTENED, esteemed Diviner of the Huns and I COMMAND you to be silent!"

What in Merlin's name...?

I continued to stare in shock as frenzied whispers rippled through the classroom. Lailoken had stopped in her tracks and was presently gazing at James with a mixture of fear and amazement and confusion.

"Who are you?" she gasped, clutching a hand to her heart.

"ARE YOU AN INCAPACITATED FOOL IN THE PHYSICAL REALM AS WELL?!" James screamed, causing several people to actually fall off their chairs this time. I put my fingers in my ears; I never knew he had such range in his voice. "I am Zai the Enlightened and I have come from the spiritual realm to steal this mortal body!"

The professor had taken a step backwards, and fallen into a well-placed chair. James' yelling had evidently struck a nerve- she'd been reduced to stuttering by now, and was trembling badly when she spoke again. "I-it's n-not p-possible... n-n-n-none o-of m-my s-students h-have e-ever b-b-been p-posessed i-in a-all m-my y-years... a-and I h-have n-never h-heard of a-any esteemed p-prophets of th-the H-huns-"

"That's O' ENLIGHTENED ONE to you!" screeched James. "And you haven't heard of ME? You haven't heard of ME, PROPHETESS ZAI of the Huns, the most revered and ENLIGHTENED? Well it ain't my bloody problem you're so out of touch with your inner eye, no capitals because you don't even have a bloody Inner Eye! That's how incompetent you are!"

If there was any sound then, it would have been that of jaws dropping: everyone in the class was staring at James in open-mouthed shock, while Lailoken seemed to have been scandalised into paralysis. The tension was excessively palpable, and it was a while before I even dared to breathe again.

"For a prophetess of the Huns, her language sounds quite colloquial," whispered one of our classmates, a particularly brave lass who counted feisty Irishmen as her ancestors (along with a hodgepodge of others).

"COLLOQUIAL?!" Again, I had to plug my ears as another acute scream pierced the air.

"HOW else then," shrieked James- sorry, Zai the Enlightened; "Will those upon whose ears my auguries have fallen understand them?" His possessed face was screwed up in agony, as if disgusted by the insipid gits who surrounded him. "Ye dim daughter of vulture-women!"

A few people gasped. Others continued to stare in shock, their jaws dropping further. The receipient of this insult could only gawk in wide-eyed horror. She was at an uncharacteristic loss for words. From elsewhere, I heard Peter squeak in fright. I couldn't tell if he had realised what was really going on, or if he was afraid for James' life with regards to the insult. Sirius, however, was struggling to hide a smirk behind his hand.

"L-look here young man!" Lailoken stood up slowly and pointed a shaking finger at James. The humour of the situation was expectedly lost on her, she was positively livid. "W-watch your tongue or b-beware!"

"BEWARE?" sneered Zai, using James' mouth. "BERWARE of what, the ridiculous fancies you claim to be AUGURIES?" James started laughing madly. "You have NO skill in divining, Madame, STOP FOOLING YOURSELF! You have yet to foresee your own impending DEATH!"

If possible, Lailoken's face paled further. Both hands began to grip her chest, the knuckles dead white in colour. "Wh-what?" she stammered. "M-my d-death?"

"YES!" crowed James/Zai. He pointed in Sirius' direction. "IN THAT CRYSTAL ORB WILL YOU FIND A DREADED OMEN!"

Lailoken stared from him to Sirius, as if trying to say something. Finally, she stood and stumbled towards Sirius' crystal ball, and looked into it- before emitting a wail that could have rivalled James' earlier screams. She slowly moved backwards, before walking into the wall.

"It cannot be!" She shook her head violently, blonde braids flying. "I have never seen this, it cannot be-"

"WHO IS THE ENLIGHTENED ONE HERE AND THEREFORE KNOWS BETTER, HMMM?"

Lailoken started babbling incoherently. She gathered herself, pausing to take a deep breath before continuing in her normal voice. "This is wrong! It cannot be, I tell you, it cannot! What type of sick joke is this, Mr. Potter?! A hundred and fifty points from -"

"The signs are clear!" Zai/James cut in sharply, and I saw something flash in his eyes, finally. "The event hurtles to completion even now, there is no hindrance to the omniscient powers of fate!

"Deny it all you want... but God's gift to Divination, you are MOST CERTAINLY NOT!"

If there was any conservative bone left in Lailoken's body for Zai to mortally offend, it shattered that very instant. She stuttered and gaped for a few moments, her thick hair hanging about her like curtains, further pronouncing the panic in her eyes.

And then she fainted, very abruptly ending Hogwarts' most bizarre Divination lesson to date.

*

James indulged in a collapsing episode of his own, as well. Only minutes later though, he miraculously regained conciousness again- minus Zai the Enlightened, this time. Professor Lailoken, however, did not. We rushed her to the hospital wing, where Madam Pomfrey looked at us suspiciously before taking her in. Professor McGonagall treated us the same way when she came up to investigate, though she never did manage to get any of the incriminating information that she might have been hoping for. Between Lailoken's incoherent state and James's claims that he was too traumatised to remember, McGonagall was left with only the testimonials of the remainder of the class. Interestingly, none of us could really produce a version of that story that was not vague or disjointed- probably because we were all still recovering from the shock of fresh air after the Opium-induced stupor in the Divination classroom.

That didn't stop the story from spreading all 'round the school by dinnertime, however; and Zai the Enlightened was cheered as a heroine by anyone who had ever had death, dismemberment or impotency predicted for them by Lyra Lailoken.

*

When Lailoken returned to teaching about a week later, having recovered sufficiently from her ordeal, James wasted no time in presenting her with his proposal. She only had to take one terrified look at him before signing the Subject Discontinuation form he was holding out to her.

Professor McGonagall, on the contrary, was not so easily swayed when James approached her with his request. Of course, she eventually relented when Lailoken insisted - very firmly - that James had no talent in Divination and had nothing to show for his last three years of lessons. As such, it would make no difference if he continued with it or took another subject; and Lailoken "strongly believed" he would do better elsewhere.

Oddly enough, we never really talked about the incident till sometime later. It was on one afternoon, when we were alone in the Gryffindor common room, that I brought it up.

"I don't suppose you'd ever care to explain that prank you pulled during Divination, Prongs?" I put down my book and watched James while he played Wizard's Chess with Peter. "And what was that about predicting Lailoken's death?"

James laughed. It was his usual laugh- the pleasant, low-pitched one. It was a relief hearing it again after Zai the Enlightened's hyena-like guffaws. "Oh come on, Moony, we're all going to die sometime. I just thought she should have a taste of her own medicine. "

"That, and you don't like her," chipped in Peter, with a small grin.

"Well, maybe that too. But it's not as if she likes me, either! The point, really, was to get her to want me out of her class so badly that she'd endorse me switching subjects. Besides," he added mischievously, "you didn't expect me to go out quietly, did you?"

"Well, you could have at least involved us, you know," said Sirius loftily, raising an eyebrow; and Peter nodded his head vigorously. James waved off the remark with a flick of his hand.

"Oh it was nothing personal, mates. Just that as far as partners-in-crime go, I've used you both too much. I did give you a bit part with the Grim in your crystal ball, didn't I?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Oh please, there wasn't any bloody Grim in the damn thing. The old hag probably saw a shadow or something."

"Well, it still worked." James grinned. "In any case, old Moony here is the only one who wouldn't have felt the need to play a more prominent role, and ruin the moment!"

(All true, of course; I would have sooner worn pink robes with lace trimmings and paraded down the Slytherin table. Evidently, James - and Sirius, and Peter - didn't realise just how much he'd embarrassed himself that day.)

"I wouldn't have ruined the moment," protested Sirius, chuckling as he did so. It was an oddly distracted gesture coming from him, and I wasn't the only one who noticed.

"What, have you gotten funny ideas into your head now?" asked Peter, who was still amazed by the extent of James' audacity.

"Don't even think about it, Sirius," I warned, burdened with the knowledge that of the four of us, I was the only one who was sensible enough to do so. "Don't even think about it."

It was too late. James' prank had lit a fire in our Padfoot's imagination. His eyes glittered with the same frightening glee that James' eyes had twinkled with that fateful morning many days ago. He did not need extra motivation to engage in nefarious activities; for him even the flimsiest excuse for a prank would do.

"You know," he began, running his fingers through his hair. "I think I'd like to drop Divination, myself..."

*

It was about five years before the constant fear of death and her own crystal balls led Professor Lyra Lailoken to early retirement, and the legend of Zai the Enlightened died with the next generation of youths that entered Hogwarts. Rumour indicated that the teacher who had replaced Lailoken was no less full of herself than her predecessor, but I had yet to find out for myself. Sybill Trelawney was an eccentric woman who hardly left her tower (to her credit, Lailoken made her face known to the students of the school by prowling the grounds to warn them of imminent 'threats'). I had only stories to arm myself with as I roamed the darker parts of the Castle, embarking on various educational activities.

One cold January night found me on the prowl for moke nests. A strong whiff of musky perfume told me Sybill Trelawney was around the corner, and a moment later, I found myself face to face with her. She was very different from Lailoken, comparisons to dragonflies aside. For one thing, her eyes were not perpetually dilated in a haunting expression, although they were widely magnified by her glasses and had a misty look about them.

"Professor Lupin," she called out. Her voice had the odd quality of sounding hazy, as it was trying to float on air. "Yes, yes... I was told that our paths would converge but a day nigh of the Jupiter's alignment with Venus."

"Good evening, Professor Trelawney." I bowed my head in greeting. "What brings you to this part of the school?"

She waved her hand airily. "The callings of fate, my dear, and I am no incompetent to ignore them." She peered at me; this had the effect of magnifying her eyes even further. "Ah yes, I see now... yes, yes."

"Er - yes?" I asked nervously. I discreetly checked my surroundings for some means of escape, there was a glint in her eyes that was nothing short of malevolent.

"Yes!" she shrieked, pressing a hand to her heart. "You poor, tormented man... yes, it is all clear to me now... you are in need of a private consultation!"

The glint was getting bigger now, I could see that it took a bright red colour.
"A private - er - consultation?" My eyes still darted around, searching for a way out of this little situation.

"A gaze into the Orb that Knows All!" she said eagerly, stepping closer to me. "That my Inner Eye may better See what awaits your addled spirit!"

She stood barely a foot before me, staring at me with wild eyes, her hands clutching at her chest. I couldn't help myself; the mental image surfaced from the depths of my memory before I could repress it -

"...HAVEN'T HEARD OF ME? Haven't heard of ME, PROPHETESS ZAI of the Huns, the most revered and ENLIGHTENED?"

"... Ain't my bloody problem you're so out of touch with your inner eye, no capitals because you don't even have a bloody Inner Eye! That's how incompetent you are!"

"...God's gift to Divination, you are most certainly not!"

-I blinked, and Sybill Trelawney replaced the distressed face of my dear friend (as possessed by Zai the Enlightened). I was on the dangerous verge of collapsing into fatal giggles, and I didn't think Trelawney would appreciate it much. It seemed the only liberation from the situation would come the same way that I had arrived here; and so with little hesitation, I turned and bolted.

It was only when I was a goodly way off that I allowed myself to lean against a wall and indulge in that long-contained fit of giggles- I had yet to meet God's gift to Divination, but Zai the Enlightened was close enough.