The Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy: Aristocrat, Ne'er-do-Well, Rampant Homosexual

The Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy: Aristocrat, Ne'er-do-Well, Rampant Homosexual.

Chapter 16: 19^th June - 27^th June

Saturday 19^th June.

Dear Diary,

Hm... haha...

Ha...

I'm sorry, I'm not very coherent right now. I'm in a fuzzy, post-shag mindset.

THAT'S RIGHT, YOU HEARD ME, I SAID POST-SHAG!!!

So here's what happened. Right after I left off making my last entry, Harry walked into the stables. "Draco?" he called nervously. "Are you here?"

"Hi, Harry," I said, stepping out of the shadows, my heart hammering in my chest.

He grinned. "Hey. For a minute there, I thought you'd stood me up."

We stood there for a few moments, smiling shyly at each other, unsure of what to do next. It took me back to the very beginning of our relationship, in those innocent days when I was still half a virgin.

"I've got something for you," I said at last. "It's something I really thought you'd like. I don't mean it as a way of buying you back or anything. I-I really just thought that it would be a nice thing for you to have. I really hope you like it. I mean, I think you'll really like it, so I really hope you do." I decided that it was about time I stopped talking, because I was babbling a bit. Also I was a bit disturbed by the amount of times I'd crammed the word 'really' into my little speech. I took hold of Harry's hand and led him over to where I'd stashed the motorbike.

"Oh my God, Draco, you have got to be kidding me!" Harry exclaimed as soon as he saw it. "This is seriously for me?"

"Of course it is!" I grinned. "And it's been enchanted so that it flies, as well. I know that you really miss Sirius, and I thought you'd like to have something to remind you of him."

"Oh, Draco..." he said, getting a little teary-eyed. "This is amazing! I love it! I can't believe you've actually done this for me; it must have been really difficult. Thank you so much!"

Harry pulled me into a hug, which I returned with enthusiasm, profoundly relieved that he liked the present. I buried my face in his neck, breathing in that lovely Harry smell I'd missed so much.

"Draco," he said softly.

I lifted my head to look into his eyes, and he leaned in and kissed me. It started out as a really soft, gentle kiss, where we were just sort of reacquainting ourselves with each other. After a couple of minutes, however, it started to get pretty steamy. Harry put his hands up my top, which made me go all shivery and weak at the knees. My fingers were gripping his hair and it must have hurt, but he didn't seem too bothered. He pressed me up against the wall, and we started... Oh dear, dry-humping is such an unromantic term. And it really was a sweet and tender moment. Hmm... how else could I describe it? I'll go and ask Pansy.

She's recommended I use 'frottage'. Well, that's much better, isn't it? It sounds French, so it must be romantic. Hm, now Pansy's laughing at me and saying that she bets she knows what I'm writing about. Oh well, I don't care. On with the tale of my debauched reunion with Harry!

So we were in the stables, indulging in a little frottage, and snogging the life out of each other. Both of our shirts were more or less undone by this point, and our trousers were soon to follow. The only problem was that once we actually started touching each other, neither of us lasted very long at all. I think it was a combination of so much sexual frustration, the relief that Harry wanted to be with me again, and just how damn good it feels when his hands are on me.

"Wow," Harry said weakly, as we leaned against each other, trying to catch our breath. "That was kind of embarrassing. I though my stamina was a little better than that."

"Well, it has been over two months," I replied, kissing him on the forehead.

"That's true. And we are only very young. Talking of which, you know one of the good things about being young?"

"What?"

He gave me a salacious grin. "Fast recovery period."

My eyes grew very wide. "Already? I mean... are you sure?"

He took my hand and placed it over his crotch to demonstrate that yes, he was very sure indeed. We hurriedly cleaned ourselves up and rid ourselves of the rest of our clothes. Then Harry put his cloak down on top of the hay as a makeshift bed, and we used my cloak as a blanket.

"Now," Harry whispered as he planted kisses all over my neck. "Do you know what I'm going to do to you, Draco?"

I shook my head in blissful anticipation.

"I'm going to start by sucking on your neck so hard it makes you dizzy. Then I'm going to kiss every inch of your bare skin, until you beg me to stop. Then I'm going to tease you with my tongue in places you didn't even think were possible. Then, when you absolutely cannot take any more, I'm going to fuck you. I'm going to fuck you so hard and so good, you are going to see stars. I am going to make you scream my name. And do you know what will happen afterwards, when you're incoherent, sweaty and trembling, unable to so much as move?"

"Meep?"

He grinned at me wolfishly. "I'm going to do it all over again."

Harry was as good as his word, and even better. After the first knee-tremblingly good shag, we did it again on top of Harry's bike (the stabilisers are really good - I must send my compliments to the manufacturer). After that, we were pretty tired, so we slept for a bit. Then we woke up and had sex again. And once again this morning with me on top.

Oh my. I've been walking funny all day and I'm having quite a bit of trouble sitting down, but I really couldn't care less. Last night was so unbelievably good. Harry and I have decided to tell our close friends that we're back together, but we're going to keep it quiet from the rest of the school for the time being. It's probably a good idea. I mean, with so much going on already, I think that poor Harry is getting enough attention. I just hope that he'll want to go to the Leavers' Ball together next weekend!

Monday 21^st June.

Dear Diary,

It's actually a lot of fun sneaking around with your boyfriend. Harry and I keep discovering new and exciting places to shag, which had never occurred to us before. We ended up doing it in one of the little boats used to take the first years to the castle earlier. Harry had gone out last night and stashed it beneath the weeping willows so that it was hidden from view, then asked me to meet him there after lunch. It was so much fun, although we did almost capsize a couple of times.

Having said that, it would be really good to actually spend the night together at some point. I really miss waking up next to Harry. And I miss other coupley things we used to be able to do as well, like holding hands in the corridors and sitting together at breakfast. I'm kind of hoping he'll want to go public with our relationship again soon.

Harry hasn't mentioned the Leavers' Ball yet. I'm not really sure what that means. Either he just assumes that we're going together and doesn't think that he needs to ask me, or he doesn't want to go together, and thinks that if he doesn't bring it up, he'll get out of it.

I don't know. I don't know if I should say something about it. Maybe I should just ask him? But then, he has said that he doesn't want people to know that we're definitely back together.

Ugh, this is so annoying! I thought that once I knew that Harry wanted to be with me again everything would be fine, but somehow I've discovered some other source of drama. Why do I always do that? Pansy thinks that if I didn't have something to moan about, I'd have some kind of nervous breakdown and wouldn't be able to function. The girl may well have a point.

Tuesday 22^nd June.

Dear Diary,

I can't believe that I'll be leaving Hogwarts in a couple of days! Oh, I'm getting all nostalgic. I keep walking around and thinking, 'Oh, that's where I had my first kiss with Harry, that's where Pansy and I used to stash our alcohol, that's where Blaise's Hair-Growth Potion exploded in his face, giving him a very unattractive bushy beard...' I keep having to think about all the horrible, humiliating things that have happened here so that I don't get too upset. And Merlin knows, there have been enough of those.

I saw Luna earlier today. I was sitting by the lake with Pansy, who was teaching me how to apply eyeliner, when she wandered over. It was nice to see her, but I do wish that she hadn't been wearing blue feathers in her hair, or eating a packet of what turned out to be dried raspberries. "Hello," she said, sitting down beside us. "I've just accidentally pulled out a bunch of eyelashes. Now I have a bald patch, see?" She leaned in to show me.

"At least you're very fair," I said. "It doesn't really notice. It was a bit daft of you, though. I'll teach you a Hair-Growth Charm if you want, but it might not be very good. I did it to Vince after he burnt his eyebrows off in Potions once, but it went a bit wrong. He ended up with very thin eyebrows which were a good inch higher than they used to be. He looked like a potato with a surprised face drawn on it."

Luna burst out laughing hysterically. "Draco, you're so funny! He does look a bit like a potato!" I started laughing at her again. We are a very bad influence on each other, Luna and I. Poor Pansy looked like she was contemplating jumping into the lake to get away from us.

"Well, I know why you're in such a good mood," Luna said, once we'd both calmed down. "Ginny said you're back together with Harry. "He's been going around the castle with this big goofy grin on his face. He looks like he has a Wrackspurt infestation."

I decided against asking Luna what a Wrackspurt is. It sounds like one of the weird things that she believes in which blatantly doesn't exist. At least, I'm hoping it doesn't exist. I do not care for the word 'infestation' being used in association with my boyfriend. It makes me itchy. Pansy was desperately trying not to laugh. "Yes," I said, "Harry and I are back together. We're trying to keep a low profile right now, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time before he wants to go public again."

She nodded sagely. "You and Harry are supposed to be together. Would you like a dried raspberry?"

I took one to be polite, which was a bit of an error. It was exceptionally tough and leathery, rather like chewing on an elderly man's earlobe. I should imagine. Ugh, wish I hadn't said that now; it conjures up disturbing mental images.

I think I'm going to miss Luna. Pansy thinks she's insane, but I love how she really doesn't care what people think. I wish I could be more like that. But then, I'm not sure that I'm ready to give up on having people think that I'm perfect just yet. Wow, it's at times like this that I realise what a bind popularity is.

Ooh, I've just got an owl from Harry. There's been a change of plan - we're now meeting in the Quidditch changing rooms rather than in the Room of Requirement. Apparently, Nearly Headless Nick was hanging around, acting a little too curious about where we were going. Ick. See, there's one reason to be grateful that we're leaving Hogwarts. No longer will I be tormented with the awful fear during sex that somewhere, somehow, a ghost is watching me. Nobody needs that shit.

Wednesday 23^rd June.

Dear Diary,

Still nothing to report about the ball. I don't care anyway. It's only a stupid school thing, it's not like it's anything prestigious. And our parents are going to be there - it's not exactly going to be fun. It's just the graduation ceremony, which will be very dull, then a dance afterwards. Nothing special. I'm not even sure I'd want to go at all if I didn't have to, so it hardly matters if Harry and I aren't there as a couple, does it.

Later.

Why hasn't he asked me? Why? What is wrong with me? Is he having second thoughts about our relationship? Does he want to keep me a secret forever, lest I ruin his reputation?

I don't understand how the public wouldn't love me. I mean, I'm adorable! Okay, so there was that small thing where my family got a little bit mixed up with Lord Voldemort, but that can hardly be held against me. People would love me! I'm gorgeous, I'm rich, I'm charming, I'm witty, and I'm really easy to get along with. I'm sodding perfect!

Harry and I would be a golden couple. Everybody would want to be like us. Oh, we could do one of those 'At Home With..." shoots for Witch Weekly. We could be pictured on the doorstep of our country mansion with our arms round each other, wearing matching tweed. Then there would be a photo of us sitting at our beautiful breakfast table, raising our champagne glasses to the camera and gazing adoringly into each others eyes, while our three lapdogs frolicked at our feet. Harry would proclaim that he never knew that life could be so good, and the reporter would praise Harry's rugged good looks and my ethereal beauty, declaring that we were a couple to put all others to shame.

Why can't Harry see this? Does he not want our beautiful lifestyle magazine future?

Oh, this is stupid. This is how I ran into problems before. I am just going to go and find Harry and ask him outright whether he wants to go to the ball together or not. The days of obsessive Draco Malfoy, with his paranoia and inability to confront important issues are over.

Thursday 24^th June.

Dear Diary,

Well, last night I sent an owl to Harry, asking him to meet me as soon as possible in the Charms classroom.

"Hey, love," he said as he walked through the door. "I was hoping you'd get in touch - I haven't seen you since this morning. Did you want to--"

"Why haven't you asked me to the Leavers' Ball, Harry?" I interrupted. "Why? WHY? Do you not want to go with me? Is that it? Are you ashamed of me?!"

He looked more than a little taken aback. "Whoa, where the hell did that come from?"

"What do you mean, where did it come from?" I raged. "Harry, the ball is three days away! Everyone has been talking about it; I cannot believe that it's somehow slipped beneath your radar! It's the end of school, you know? It's really important, and everyone will be there and... and... don't you want to go with me?"

"Oh, wow," he said, sitting down on one of the desks. "Draco... I honestly haven't given it that much thought. I mean, you know I don't really enjoy those kinds of formal events - don't you remember what a disaster I was at the Yule Ball? I'm so sorry, baby. With everything else that's been going on lately, the Leavers' Ball has been the last thing on my mind."

Now, that was hardly the most satisfactory of answers. Okay, so I always knew that Harry isn't exactly into big formal celebrations or making a show of himself. Even so, it was a bit much that he hadn't even considered asking me. I pouted. "Well... be that as it may, I'm asking you to think about it now. Would you like to go with me to the ball, as a proper couple?"

He looked awkward. "Um... the thing is, Draco, that there are going to be reporters there. Now that Voldemort's gone, I'm being scrutinised more closely than ever. Look, please don't think that I don't want to go with you. If things were different, I would love it. I just want to protect you from any unwanted publicity that being involved with me would attract."

"But I don't care about the publicity!" I cried. "I'm not like you, Harry - I'm an attention whore! You know that!"

"Yes," he said patiently, "but it might not all be positive attention. With you being who you are, there are bound to be people who will assume that you're only trying to corrupt me or whatever. I'd hate to see you get hurt because of me. And... also I'm not sure that I want that kind of attention right now, either. Things have been so stressful and complicated recently, and I just want some time to sit back and think. I'm not really ready to be in a public relationship right now, where everyone is scrutinising us. It just... turns everything into a big drama. You know that I want things to work out between the two of us, but we've still got a long way to go. I would much rather we work on our relationship in private. I... I think that maybe we should just go to the ball separately. I mean, we'd see each other there and all, but... I think there would be a lot less pressure that way." He looked up at me, biting his lip nervously.

I sighed. "Okay, Harry. That's fine. I mean... I understand that you wouldn't want any kind of drama right now. We could meet up afterwards or something. I'll be fine; I'll have my friends to keep me busy, and my parents will be there so I'll probably spend most of my time trying to stop my mother talking to any of the teachers about how I insisted on wearing her makeup when I was little. I'm fine." I smiled bravely, trying to suppress my inner kicked-puppy.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Of course!" I replied, a little too brightly. "I'm absolutely fine. I just wanted to be clear on what was going on, that's all. Anyway, I should probably be going. I promised Pansy I'd help her pick out what robes she's going to wear. I'll... see you tomorrow, I guess."

"Sure. Um, Draco? Are you sure you're okay about this?"

"I'm fine, really. Everything's fine. See you tomorrow!"

I walked out. Argh! Everything is categorically not fine! But still, I felt like I couldn't make a fuss about it, because Harry made it clear all along that he wants us to take things slow. I shouldn't make a fuss about going to a silly party together anyway. I want Harry to see that I really do understand him and respect his point of view.

Even so, there is this really resentful part of me which wishes that he'd respect my wishes of being adored, admired, and generally shown off to everyone. Oh, I'm depressed. I think I'm going to go and find some chocolate.

Five minutes later.

Okay, scrap that plan. Vince and Greg just came in, all full of how they'd just been on a really good date at the new restaurant in Hogsmeade.

"Oh, Draco, you just have to go there with Harry some time," Vince said. "That rhubarb crumble is bloody fantastic!"

"Mmm, it was," Greg agreed. "I just found a bit behind my tooth, and enjoyed it aaaall over again."

"Mmm, baby," Vince purred. "You're so sexy when you talk food to me."

Ugh. UGH! God, they are so disgusting. My appetite is completely destroyed. Why do I associate with these heathens?

Friday 25^th June.

Dear Diary,

Well, today is the day of the Leavers' Ball. I'm trying not to get too upset about the fact that I'm not going with Harry. One good thing to come of it is that Harry's obviously feeling a bit guilty about it, and has been extremely generous with the sexual favours as a result. He gave me the most fantastic blow job last night; I swear it took me an hour to recover enough so that I could go back to the dungeons.

Anyway, everyone else is really excited about the ball and about graduating, but I just can't get into the celebratory mood. I don't even care that much about what I wear - that's how bad it is. Pansy actually had to remind me to do my hair conditioning treatment and use some Ladyshave, which has never happened before.

Oh, everyone's so happy and coupled-up. They've all got people to go to the ball with, and I'll just be stuck on my own like a loser, not able to talk to my boyfriend. Ugh! It's a suck-fest! It is a cataclysmic state of affairs. Who would have thought that I would finish up my career at Hogwarts on such a pathetic note?

Oh well. The graduation ceremony is taking place in a couple of hours, so I suppose I should start to get ready.

Saturday 26^th June.

Dear Diary,

Oh wow. I have experienced so many conflicting emotions over the past twenty-four hours, I still don't quite know what to make of it all. I have been depressed, I have been confused, I have been embarrassed, I have been jealous, I have been overjoyed and I have been apprehensive. Needless to say, it's all been pretty exhausting.

I decided to wear my light grey silk robes in the end. Partly because they go with my eyes, and partly because I thought they'd make me look innocent and tragic, which would make Harry feel really bad about jilting me. I looked in the mirror for a bit, perfecting my best mournful face and picturing myself once again as Miss Haversham, abandoned by the one I love. Rather annoyingly, Pansy kept walking behind me, rolling her eyes and telling me not to be so melodramatic. She really is very insensitive at times.

At about three o'clock, we all went down to the Great Hall, where the ceremony would take place. Graduation itself was pretty dull. I spotted my parents all too easily. As I walked in, I heard my mother shouting, "Draco, darling! Over here! Give Mummy a wave, pumpkin!" I turned round, and saw that she was holding the biggest, flashiest camera I have ever seen. I looked away, and furiously pretended not to know who she was.

I felt a nudge in my ribs. "Hey, Draco," Blaise hissed. "Aren't you going to give your mummy a wave?"

"Oh, bugger off, Zabini," I whispered back. "Talking of mothers, isn't that yours over there with the dodgy face-lift and husband number seven? He has to be about your age, doesn't he? I suppose some men will do anything for a bit of money. Does he make you call him daddy? I bet you love that."

He was about to say something in return, but we had to take our seats, and he didn't get the chance. Ha!

I caught sight of Harry across the hall, fidgeting in his seat and trying to ignore the fact that almost everyone was pointing at him. I noticed that he'd put his Hogwarts pin on upside-down, and I almost smiled indulgently, before I remembered that I was supposed to be acting the part of the desolate lover. When I saw out of the corner of my eye that he was looking at me, I sighed and gazed despondently at the floor. I figured that it would at least earn me a pretty good guilt-inspired shag that night.

We had to wear these hideous graduation tabards over the top of our robes, with our house colours on them. Mine was a bit too long, and I hadn't had time to do anything about it, so I was really nervous that I'd trip over it. I could just see myself falling flat on my face as I went to collect my diploma. I decided that if it did happen I'd lie there and pretend to be dead, and everyone would just have to deal with it. Fortunately, I needn't have worried - I made it up to the dais and back without incident. However, I was concentrating so hard on not tripping up, that my gracious smile was more like a grimace. Pansy told me that I looked like I was suffering from lockjaw.

Everyone cheered when Harry went up, and all the newspaper reporters were calling his name, which made him blush furiously. I had another moment of indulgence - he really is so cute when he's embarrassed.

As soon as the formalities were over, the Great Hall was transformed into a ballroom. The staff table became a buffet, rainbow-coloured streamers fell from the ceiling, and the teachers let off fireworks. It was like a gay parade! If only they'd provided muscular podium dancers wearing gold hotpants, we'd have been all set.

I went over to say hello to my parents. "Darling, I'm so proud of you!" Mum exclaimed, planting a pink lipstick mark on my cheek. "Let me look at you. Hmm... I see you decided to do that thing with your hair again. Oh, never mind, you're looking very nice anyway."

I was immediately struck down with hair-related paranoia (what thing? WHAT THING? What was she talking about? I hadn't done anything to my hair!), until I caught sight of my dad over her shoulder. I'm not entirely sure how I hadn't noticed him before. He was wearing leaf-green robes with roses embroidered at the hems and, I kid you not, he had put waves into his hair. I have to say, he did look a lot happier than when I'd last seen him. Albeit slightly insane. "Dad?" I said nervously. "You look... different."

"Isn't it smashing?" he beamed. "The Dark Lord always insisted on such sombre colours all the time, and now I'm finally free to experiment! It's... not too much, is it? I'm pretty new to this whole thing and, what with you being a gay man, I'm assuming you're much more clued up on what's in trend these days than I am. Have I overdone it?"

"Er, no," I replied. "You look... lovely, Dad. Although I do think that the clothes you usually wear are a bit more appropriate for everyday wear. Maybe... maybe you could just experiment with coloured accessories or something?"

He was about to reply, but then he caught sight of Arthur Weasley standing nearby, congratulating Harry, Hermione and Ron. His eyes narrowed. "Arthur Weasley," he sneered. "Giving those old robes another airing, I see?"

Mr Weasley scowled. "And I see that you seem to have borrowed your robes from your wife, Malfoy. What's up with that?"

I have to say, it was a pretty good comeback for a Weasley. Dad went a bit pink, and flicked his hair out of his eyes. "Clearly you have no appreciation for fashion. Not that that's really surprising. Now do run along - you are harshing up my social mellow."

Mr Weasley made to turn away, but then seemed to think better of it. "You know what, Malfoy?" he said. "I've had just about enough of you. I think we should take this outside."

Dad looked a little taken aback. "Excuse me?"

"I'm asking you to step outside. I want to settle this, man to man."

Dad snorted. "I'm sorry, Weasley, I don't quite understand. What's next? Are you going to take out a glove and slap me with it?"

Mr Weasley was getting pretty angry. "I'll slap you with a lot more than that, you sissy! Outside - NOW!"

"Oh dear, Weasley, you really are too pathetic. You--" Dad didn't get to finish his sentence, because Mr Weasley punched him. It wasn't a hard punch, but Dad looked pretty shocked all the same. "You hit me!" he gasped. "You actually hit me! What are you, some kind of barbarian?"

Mr Weasley looked a bit shame-faced. "I'm sorry, Malfoy, but really you--" He was interrupted by my dad barrelling him in the stomach. They fell onto the floor, and then tried to disentangle themselves from each others' robes. A circle was starting to gather around the two of them.

"Oh, really," Mum sighed. "He's impossible when he gets like this. Now, where have they put the bar?"

All things considered, I'd say I turned out pretty normal.

Dad and Mr Weasley circled around each other menacingly, aiming the occasional inelegant kick at each others' shins. Finally, with a slightly terrifying battle-cry, Arthur Weasley lunged forward. He managed to get Dad into a head-lock, and proceeded to give him a noogie. "There! How do you like that?" he cried. "I've messed up your precious hair!"

Dad elbowed him in the stomach and then gave him a badly-aimed punch. "At least I have hair, you bloody cue-ball!" he gasped.

"Arthur!" Mrs Weasley cried, having been made aware of the disturbance. "Stop that at once! What do you think you are doing? This is a respectable event!" She pushed her way through the crowd, and pulled the two men apart. "You should be ashamed of yourselves! Your sons have just graduated - show a little respect! What on earth do you think you are doing?"

Dad mumbled something.

"I don't give a hoot who started it!" she said. "Now, apologise to each other, and start acting like respectable adults."

"Sorry," they both muttered resentfully, edging away from Mrs Weasley.

Ugh, why do these things always happen to me? Am I just fated to be followed around by humiliation for the rest of my life? I went off to find Pansy, resigned to the fact that Harry would never want to go public with our relationship now that my father has made such a public exhibition of himself. However, she was dancing with Dean, and looking very loved-up. Vince and Greg were dancing nearby, so I couldn't chat to them either. Well, I say dancing. What I mean is that they were sort of grinding against each other's thighs. It was gross! I mean, their parents were there! Clearly they have no sense of shame. I started to look for Luna, before realising that her and Ginny are still in the sixth year and wouldn't be there. Finally, I turned for consolation to my last faithful friend - the buffet table.

Three sausage rolls, two crab-cakes and far too much tuna salad later, and I found a seat at the edge of the hall, watching everybody dance. I felt like I was all alone in a sea of couples. I spotted Ron and Hermione sitting across from me, looking like they were eating each other's faces. Gross. I guess they've finally come out of denial, and have admitted that they fancy each other. Oh... imagine the children!

Blaise kept mincing past, looking very smug about the fact that he'd somehow managed to get Michael Prewitt in as his date. Bloody fuckwit.

They put on a slow song, and everyone got up to dance. Everyone was a couple. Hermione and Ron, Vince and Greg, Pansy and Dean, Blaise and Michael, Seamus and Lavender... but my boyfriend didn't want to be a couple with me. I was starting to get really morose, and seriously considering just leaving it all and going to bed, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. "May I have this dance?"

I looked up to see Harry standing over me, holding out his hand. I took it, my heart leaping in my chest, and we made our way over to the dance floor. I could see people pointing and hear camera shutters going off as Harry pulled me close, but he didn't seem to care. "I don't get it," I said, as we looked into each other's eyes. "I thought you wanted to keep a low profile. I thought you didn't want to have to deal with any more drama right now."

He grinned. "Oh, come on! I could hardly leave such a gorgeous young man without a partner, could I? Look... I'm really sorry, Draco. I shouldn't have pushed you away like that after everything you've done for me. I mean... who else would buy me a flying motorbike, arrange for me to have sex with a ghost watching, and suggest that I kill Voldemort through the medium of pavlova? You're completely over the top and unpredictable, and that's exactly why I love you so much. Besides," he said, pulling me even closer, "with Voldemort gone, there's going to be a serious lack of drama in my life. Things could get pretty boring. So I guess I'd better keep you around, hadn't I?"

Laughing, I pulled him in for a kiss. I could hear people cheering, and yet more cameras going off, but all I cared about was Harry's lips on mine. Just as we pulled back, a new song started playing - it was The Divinyls' 'I Touch Myself.' "Oh my God, Harry," I squealed. "It's our song!"

He looked at me dubiously. "This song? Really?"

"Yes!" I cried. "It's so fitting! See, I don't want anybody else, Harry. And... when I think about you, I do touch myself! It's our song!"

He grinned. "Okay; whatever you say, baby." He whirled me around and kissed me again. Oh, huzzah! No more am I doomed to be Miss Haversham, a crazy old cat man or a love pariah! Harry is mine!

My mother came rushing up to us both a couple of minutes later, saying how pleased she was that we had sorted things out and that she hoped Harry would come and visit soon so she could get to know him. She promised that dad would behave himself.

I looked over to where my (obviously tipsy) father was, apparently having some kind of dance-off with Mr Weasley. "Give it up, Arthur," he slurred. "I can moonwalk you into the ground."

"That's nothing!" came the reply. "I bet you can't do the robot like this!"

Somehow, I can't help but feel that my mother was a little overly optimistic.

"Hey," Harry whispered. "Do you want to get out of here? I've just put a deposit on a flat in London. I wanted it to be a surprise. What do you think - shall we go and christen it?"

Grinning from ear to ear, I nodded, and the two of us quietly sneaked out of the hall and through the door to the grounds. Just outside, Harry's flying motorbike stood waiting.

"What do you think?" he said. "I can fly it really well now - fancy making an exit no one will ever forget?"

I grinned at him. "Harry, when have I ever shied away from attention?"

He got on the motorbike and I climbed on behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist. He started the ignition, and I began to feel a little nervous about Harry's ability to safely fly the thing. Not that I was about to say anything, you understand. We started off across the grounds and, after a couple of seconds, the bike soared into the air. I needn't have worried - Harry handled it as well as he does a broom. I looked down to see everyone else pouring out of the castle doors, watching us fly away. I waved down at them. Ah, it truly was an exit fit for someone as special as me. Sighing contentedly, I held onto Harry tightly as we flew off towards London, and what turned out to be a bloody fantastic shag.

Hurrah and huzzah! Draco Malfoy has finally got his due! Harry and I are all set for blissful coupledom, and there is absolutely nothing that can stand in our way. And this time, I am absolutely, definitely, categorically not going to do anything to screw it up.

I wonder how Harry would feel about going on a mini-break to the Cotswolds...