From the Eyes of the Werewolf

Christmas

The next morning, Remus woke to find he had fallen asleep in front of the fire. Katie's letter was still crumpled up in his hand. There was silence out on the grounds even though the sun was shining brightly. Wonder where everyone is? But it only took his mind a second to remember that it was the start of the Christmas holidays. Naturally the school grounds would be quiet as most of the students were probably at home. Remus only spent one Christmas holiday at Hogwarts in his youth, so he didn't quite know what to expect now.

Dressing and getting something to eat were first on his agenda for the day. Once that was taken care of, he set his mind to figuring out just what he should send Katie for a gift this year, seeing as how he failed to find anything special in Hogsmeade. He read over her letter again and paused at the words "I think about you up there at Hogwarts"...

Katie's never been to Hogwarts. She has no idea what it even looks like.

He smiled at the thought because he now knew exactly what he should give her...or rather make for her. It would take a few special items, and it would probably mean bothering a few teachers for them, but the idea was too good too pass up.

He first stopped by the library to pick up a copy of 'Hogwarts: A History'. Contained within its pages was a beautiful, nearly realistic picture of Hogwarts. Perfect! His second stop was to the Muggle Studies classroom. As usual, there was a healthy supply of building materials the students frequently used to create Muggle items for display. Remus asked if it would be all right for him to nick some of the supplies and was told to help himself.

He dropped the items off in his room before donning his heavy cloak and heading outside. He walked in the brisk air out towards the Forbidden Forrest where some of the trees were still green. Choosing carefully in order to get a nice variety, Remus plucked small amounts of greenery from the plant life and trees. When he had what he considered to be an ample amount, he headed back into the castle.

Once he was at his desk, Remus began crafting a miniature three-dimensional model of the castle, complete with the grounds, out of the items he collected. He took his time to study the details he could find from he photograph. He cast spell after spell to achieve the right coloring and textures. He worked diligently at his project for hours, oblivious to time passing. He paused late in the afternoon to rest his eyes and realized with a start that the afternoon sun was slipping away. He lit candles and continued. By the time he finished with the model, it was dark outside.

Feeling as if he had been anti social, Remus decided on dining in the staff room that evening. His stomach rumbled, as it had been a long time since breakfast. The castle was festively decorated complete with Christmas Trees and Mistletoe, and it brightened his already happy mood. The decor reminded him of his mother and the care she had always taken in making sure the house had properly decked halls for the season.

But the smile that had been on his face for most of the day faded as he entered the staff room and saw who was already dining. Professor Vector was engaged in conversation with none other than Severus Snape. Fortunately, Snape had his back turned to the door and didn't see Remus open it. Hoping to slip away undetected, Remus closed the door and turned to leave. Dinner alone is better than dinner with Snape.

"Lupin, a word."

Remus stopped in his tracks and groaned inwardly. Turning slowly, he met Snape's black eyes reluctantly. "Yes, Severus?"

"I have your potion ready."

"Thank you, Severus. I'll be down to your office shortly." Remus smiled politely.

"It would be a great tragedy if we had a monster loose on the grounds on Christmas Eve."

Remus kept his smile, but his good mood began to fade. "Indeed it would, Severus. But I don't intend to allow that to happen."

"The Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures is already addressing that Hippogriff incident of Hagrid's. I'd hate for them to have to deal with another one of our staff members." Without another word, Snape disappeared back into the staff room leaving Remus alone once more.

A full moon for Christmas...just what I wanted. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let you spoil what fun I can have, Severus.

With a sigh, Remus ran a hand through his hair and decided he'd head for the kitchen. Just as he started down the hall though, Professor Flitwick came bustling around the corner. He wished Remus a Happy Christmas and began chatting excitedly about all the enchantments he had performed for the castle this year. Remus smiled, glad for the chance to ask him for advice on a spell for Katie's gift, and Flitwick was eager to help. He even volunteered to cast it for Remus, but Remus turned him down. Remus wanted to make this gift on his own. Flitwick's smile and pleasant demeanor cheered Remus up again, especially since he now had the final ingredient needed to complete Katie's gift.

Remus slipped into the kitchen and helped himself to a few items from the elves and headed off to the dungeon for the potion. Snape, luckily, was nowhere in sight so Remus filled a goblet and returned to his rooms once again to continue his work on the gift. He needed to get it out tomorrow or else he risked it arriving late. Hopefully this charm wouldn't be too tricky and all would work out well.

He sat himself down at his desk with the model of Hogwarts in front of him. He placed it on a wood base and picked up a small glass dome he had taken from the Muggle studies classroom. With a wave of his wand, Remus muttered, "Aerius effingo brevis". A cloud began to form in the dome, swirling around and floating on its own. Not wanting it to escape, Remus quickly covered the model of the castle with the dome and watched to see what would happen. The cloud hovered up at the top and soon began to drop tiny white flakes to the ground. It was snowing.

Remus glanced out the window and saw that it was, indeed, snowing. Flitwick promised that the charm would replicate whatever weather Hogwarts was having, but keep it in a small, containable form. It was the same type of enchantment they used on the ceiling of the Great Hall, but in smaller form.

Pleased with his work, Remus sealed the glass dome to the base with his wand and sat back to enjoy the effect. The tiny castle began to turn white under the snow and soon the ground was covered as well. The green trees were dusted white and the whole scene look like something out of a portrait.

He sent the gift off the next morning along with a rare book of unusual healing potions for Mrs. Noyes. Madam Pince had two copies of the book and since she said no one ever checked either one out, she was glad to give it to Remus who could find a good use for it. Once the owl left with the package, Remus returned to his room to wait out the approaching full moon alone.

****

December twenty-fifth had come and gone before Remus emerged from his chamber again. The full moon had been on Christmas Eve and thus the house elves and owls who delivered his gifts had been instructed to place them in his office and not to take them to his room. If they had, they would have met the wolf, and that wasn't the sort of thing anyone wanted to deal with on Christmas. So it wasn't until the twenty-sixth that Remus found his gifts stacked neatly in his classroom office.

He sat down at his desk and began unwrapping the gifts slowly as to make the moment last longer. The first gift he unwrapped was from Fred and George Weasley. He couldn't stifle his laugh as he unwrapped the Filibuster Firework. Mrs. Noyes sent him a pair of gloves along with a note that her gift was supplemental to Katie's. With a knowing smile, Remus opened up the gift from Katie to find a thick scarf and hat that matched the gloves perfectly. They were resting on top of a batch of homemade brownies that smelled delicious and still felt warm. She must have magicked the plate to keep them fresh. A letter tumbled to the floor when he pulled out the brownies.

Remus -

A scarf and hat to warm your neck and head.

Brownies to warm your heart.

Love,

K

Ah Katie, I don't need you to give me brownies to warm my heart. You do that yourself. Wait...where did that thought come from? Remus stared at the note with a puzzled expression, trying to figure out what it was he felt at the moment. Her gift, although simple, meant the world to him. And the way she phrased the letter...could she possibly...what if she felt...

Stop it right now! She is your friend, and that is as far as the relationship will ever go - no matter what your feelings are for her. But what are your feelings for her?

Slowly and thoughtfully, Remus leaned back in his chair and sighed. He swallowed hard and looked back down at the flowing handwriting - particularly the word love. "I love her", he said softly to himself.

"S'cuse me, Perfesser -" a deep voice sounded from the doorway.

Remus turned to see Hagrid bending down so that he could fit through the opening, looking tentatively at him. "Hagrid!" He forced a smile. "To what do I owe this visit?" Remus stood up and motioned for him to enter the room.

"Wanted ter speak to yeh about summat." The giant held out a crumpled letter bearing the insignia of the Ministry of Magic. "Dumbledore suggested you might be able ter help."

A bit confused, Remus took the letter and began reading. The parchment had water stains all over it and the ink was smeared in several places, but the message was clear. Buckbeak, Hagrid's hippogriff, was going to be brought in front of the Committee for Disposal of Dangerous Creatures for the supposed damage that was done to Draco Malfoy's arm earlier in the year. Hagrid looked at him hopeful that he might have a suggestion as to the course of action he should now take to prevent them from killing Buckbeak.

Remus knew the committee very well. Being a werewolf, he was subject to laws not as a "being" but as a "beast". If ever he were to place one toe out of line he could be handed over to the committee himself. It was a fear that haunted him almost every day of his life. No wonder Dumbledore sent Hagrid to talk to Remus. There probably wasn't anyone at Hogwarts who knew the laws better than Remus...especially since he had been called in to prove his own innocence many years ago.

"Is this your first time dealing with the Committee, Hagrid?"

"Yes, sir. But I know it's run by them gargoyles and they don't like interestin' creatures much."

"Gargoyles aren't the most forgiving judges, and certainly with the influence of Lucious Malfoy they will be ready to pass judgment on your hippogriff before you even begin your defense. "

"Don't I know it. What should I do?"

"What should I do, dad?"

"The only thing you can do - go in there and tell them the truth. That's what they want to hear."

"But I can't tell them...I mean...if I tell them everything..."

"Remus, you have to do what is necessary to protect yourself. You didn't have anything to do with this and you know it."

He remembered it like it was yesterday. How could anyone ever forget something like that? He stood there like a stone, frozen in place as the gargoyles asked him question after question after question. His father spoke on his behalf when they asked for proof that he had never caused any harm to anyone before.

"Is there a history of violence from the accused?"

"He is a werewolf, your honor," Edmund Lupin said. "Yes, there have been violent moments, but he has never brought harm to any human or creature in his life."

"So you admit that he is violent?"

"No, that is not what I said."

"They will want to know if the hippogriff has ever harmed any creature before this incident. You'll have to present a history of nonviolence for him as best as you can."

"Dunno if I can do that. Only had 'im a while myself."

"You'll just have to do your best, Hagrid, because they will ask you for information about his past."

"Right. Anything else?"

"What was the state of mind of the accused when the incident happened?"

Remus glanced over at his father before saying, "I was transformed. I really don't remember much."

"Are you admitting you had lost all reasoning abilities?"

Remus licked his lips. "I went into the house with a clear mind, your honor. I knew exactly what was going to happen and I went there so that I wouldn't be a threat to anyone. I didn't know someone was following me. When I came under the influence of the full moon, however, I...I transformed. I don't really remember..."

"Were you or were you not able to reason?"

"When I decided to go to the house, yes."

"They will want to know about Buckbeak's state of mind when all this happened."

Hagrid furrowed his brows. "How'm I s'posed to know that?"

"Honestly, I don't know. The gargoyles are fixated upon a creature's ability to reason. But either way, it's a catch twenty-two. Does the creature know that they can cause harm? If they do, did they cause the harm on purpose? If they don't, why would anyone keep such a creature? You really have to be precise in how you answer the questions, Hagrid."

"That's what I'm afraid of. How'm I su'posed to talk in front of all them committee folks? I don' know what ter say or how ter even stand!"

"Well, I suggest you rehearse your statement before you face them. Practice what you need to say so that it flows smoothly. If you know what you're going to say, you'll be less nervous. But above all, you must remain calm. You cannot afford to give them any reason to believe you or Buckbeak are dangerous in any way. So whatever you do, do not panic."

That was probably the one thing that saved Remus when he had his trial. He stood so still and kept his face so calm that the committee had a difficult time believing that he was dangerous. At the time, he actually felt that showing little emotion was proving him to be more of a monster. He honestly was holding it all inside for fear that he would break down and cry. But his father told him once it was all over that the committee was very impressed by his strength of character and poise.

"Don' panic. That's what Dumbledore told me." Hagrid sighed deeply. "I just don' want Beaky ter be killed for somethin' he didn't really do."

"Remus really had nothing to do with it, your honor. It was my plan. I'm the one who told Snape to go in there."

Remus pressed the memory back in his mind and tried very hard to concentrate on Hagrid. But he could still hear Sirius admitting to the fact that he instructed Snape how to get past the Willow and into the shack. Remus never understood why Sirius had done it, but looking back it should have keyed him into the idea that Sirius would someday betray Lily and James...and Peter. Sirius was just too reckless and unfeeling towards his friends.

'Hagrid, I have a book that you might like to read on cases where the creature in question wasn't necessarily the one to blame for the incident. There might be something in there that could prove useful. I'll have to dig it out of my things, but I'll get it to you as soon as possible."

"Thanks, Perfesser. Yer a might better fellow than most people think." With a wink and a nod, Hagrid turned and left the room leaving Remus alone once again to dwell on his thoughts.

And how alone he felt! He glanced down at the desktop where Katie's gift lay open and shuddered that he had just moments before admitted he was in love with her. I can never have that life. I almost killed a man once...how dare I think I can bind Katie to a life with someone who could kill? He sank back down into his chair as his thoughts flowed back to his father...and the trial...

"I'm so sorry, Dad. I really am." Remus fell into a sob against his father's chest and felt the loving arms embrace him. "I should have never gone to Hogwarts. Why did I ever think that...that..."

"You have nothing to be sorry about, son." His voice was very calm and soothing. "You were invited to Hogwarts because you deserved to go."

"But I'm a monster!"

Edmund pulled Remus away from him so that he could look him in the eyes. "You are not a monster! And I don't ever want to hear you call yourself that again." He paused briefly. "I love you. Your mother loves you. And we didn't raise you to think of yourself this way."

Remus sniffed. "If I was normal, this would have never happened."

"No, that's not true. This has nothing to do with you being a werewolf, Remus. This is about your friends not getting along with certain classmates. This wasn't your fault. Thank God Sirius admitted to that."

Remus wiped his nose on the back of his hand and sniffed again. "Why do you suppose he did this to me, Dad?"

"I don't know." His face saddened with the thought that a friend of Remus' had put him in this sort of danger. "You're going to have to ask him that yourself." Edmund raised his eyes and glanced over Remus' shoulder to where Sirius was standing, looking pale as a ghost. Wiping the tear from his cheek, Remus stared at Sirius...seeing him in a different light now than he had ever seen him before.

"I'm sorry..." Sirius said weakly. "I...I don't know...I just..."

"I don't' want to talk to you right now." Remus looked away from him. "I don't even want to see you right now."

"Remus..."

Turning quickly, Remus said, "Go away, Sirius!"

He winced at the memory. It had taken them one very long summer to accept each other again. James and Peter were constantly used as go-betweens, delivering angry messages from one to the other until James forced them to come face to face and talk it out. Their friendship wasn't the same for a long time, but at least they weren't fighting anymore. Remus never did understand why Sirius did what he did, but he came to accept his apology.

But Sirius had done him damage...and Remus had almost been executed for being a dangerous creature. It's hard to think of yourself as anything else once a committee has declared you as such.

Remus ran a hand over the scarf Katie sent him. "You sent a scarf to a werewolf. You made brownies for a werewolf. You are friends with a werewolf." He paused. "But I can not let you love a werewolf...no matter how much he loves you."