Potters, a History

Chapter 11. Fight or Flight

Narcissa was absolutely livid.

"... can't believe you would be so stupid!" she was saying, circling the room. "An entire houseful of innocent..."

"Muggles, darling, they were all Muggles. Who cares?"

"Who cares? Who cares?! You slaughtered the entire family of the best witch at Hogwarts! Who also happens to be the person closest to our Gryffindor informant, who, by the way, I am going to have to deal with. Do you honestly think he's going to want to tell us anything after this?" She was shaking.

Lucius coughed. "I think you might underestimate the poor boy's affections for you. If you asked him to drown Evans and Potter both in the lake, he probably would. If he could." He flashed her his most charming smile. "The pout of a beautiful woman is much more compelling than the Imperius, after all. We both know that." He put a hand on her shoulder. She twisted away.

"That's not going to work this time. You can't just flatter this away," she said icily. "I just couldn't imagine that you would do something like this. How many were in there?" She whipped around to face him, her long blond hair fanning out behind her like a halo, making her look a bit like an (incredibly sexy, Lucius added to himself) avenging angel.

"About twenty."

"Twenty. Well that's just lovely. Were there any left?"

"Not in the house, no. There was a sister, she was visiting her fiancée's family," he said, sounding quite bored. "Horrible piggy thing she was, and him too. I hope they never have children."

Narcissa paced about the room, catlike, stalking. "I just... how could you? You should have known that she wouldn't be there anyway, you could've owled anyone here, but no..." He slumped in one ridiculously uncomfortable Malfoy Manor chair as she went on. "...massive intelligence failure... so unbelievably cocky... and what if she had been there, she's extremely powerful with charms, and in that situation who knows what she could have done..."

He glared. "Are you quite finished?"

"No! I haven't even gotten started! I just... the arrogance! Do you have any idea the opportunity you just wasted?"

He looked up, mildly surprised. "Opportunity? I thought you were..."

"What, upset that you killed some Muggles? Oh, wah," she said, feigning a sob. "No, you terrific arse, I'm not sad, I'm absolutely furious! You just killed off some extremely powerful leverage because you think the goddamned green light is pretty," she spat venomously, deep violet eyes burning. "Not to mention that I'll probably have to sleep with Pettigrew to coax him back to the cause."

Lucius smirked. "Oh, the horror," he commented dryly.

"Have you seen the little prat naked?"

"What, not exactly the Adonis his housemate is?" he shot back, sarcasm and jealousy both dripping from every word.

Narcissa's narrowed her eyes, but it was her burning cheeks that gave her away. "How dare you bring that up, you son of a..."

"Oh, come now, you didn't really think I'd forget your one weakness, did you, Cissa? The reason you want so desperately to be a Death Eater?"

"That's not true."

"Oh, no, I think it is. I think someone thinks an awful lot of herself, and someone is still very, very angry with the only man who's ever turned her down," Lucius drawled, clearly enjoying the upper hand he had gained in the argument. At least momentarily.

"Well, at least I'm not the one that Voldemort will be blaming when he learns that a chance to get James Potter out of the picture has slipped away from him," she hissed.

Lucius was still gawping as she slammed the impossibly thick door to his chambers behind her.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Lily had not moved in some time, though muffled sobs were still coming intermittently from her pillow. James had no idea what to do. He'd been there, clasping one cold hand with his, and rubbing her back with the other, for what felt like years - yet somehow there was still light outside. And she hadn't moved more than an inch the entire time. Only the odd gasp of breath indicated that yes, she at least was still alive. Finally she turned to face him.

"Go away," she whispered.

His face crinkled. "Go away? But I should... I should be here for you..."

"I think the best thing you could do for me right now is to leave," she answered, not quite coldly, but with more than a hint of metal in her voice.

"Can I ask why?"

"No, please, just leave me be. I think you've done quite enough as it is."

He frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean..." she hesitated. "I mean that if it wasn't for you my family would still be alive, that's what I mean," she said, voice low and deceptively controlled. James recoiled as though stung. "Now please, go, before I say something I'll want to take back."

His lower lip trembled, but he did not leave. "You think I like this? Like being who I am? You think I wanted a bounty on my head, or to be a danger to you, or to anyone? D'you think I bloody asked for this?"

"Oh, right, yes, let's talk about your problems now, because everything is always about you. James, who's so special, and so smart, James who has so much money and is always nice and so bloody perfect and never has to work at anything, yes, let's talk about his problems." Her wide green eyes, normally so beautiful, so mischievous, gleamed with malice. For once in his life James didn't welcome their brilliance.

"Look," he said, trying desperately to hold on to his self-control, that self-control that he only lost around her, "I would give all of that up if it could get your family back, Evvie..." she huffed and looked away, "and don't act like that, because you know I would... but it can't."

"I know it can't, James," she retorted. "What, do you think just because I'm a Mudblood I don't know the rules of mortality in magic?"

"Damn it, Lily, why do you have to make it about that?" James was almost pleading now. "It's not about that, you know I've never cared that you're..."

"That I'm what, James? Not descended from all the best wizards, like you? My family isn't magic, but that doesn't make them any less important. And don't try and tell me that it isn't about that, because the whole world is about that, now." She stopped, chest heaving. "Look, my entire family is dead, and..."

"And so is mine!" he cried, cutting her off. "And so are a lot of good wizarding families, nowadays! It's not so rare in this world as you might think."

Lily slumped back down on the cot, suddenly defeated. She felt as though the world had caved in on top of her. "But that's just the thing," she said miserably, her voice barely even a whisper. "My family isn't wizarding. They don't... didn't... even know who Voldemort is. I saw it, James... they didn't even know to be afraid of the Death Eaters. They didn't do anything wrong or right at all except be related to me. All those other families, you know, they made that conscious decision to stand up to him but my family... he just slaughtered them, James, because they were looking for me and I wasn't there." She stared at her hands. "And they were only looking for me because they wanted to get to you."

"You don't know that," he said quietly.

"Yes, I do. Dumbledore as much as told me. Besides, you don't see other Mudbloods' families being killed, do you?" she asked.

"Don't, Lily."

"Why? It needs to be said, doesn't it? That being with you is practically a death sentence for me? And not only me, apparently, but everyone I love, too? It's really bloody ironic, considering," she added, narrowing her eyes.

James's breath caught in his chest. "Do not drag him into this, Lily, because you..."

"'You can't do this to her, Remus,'" she mimicked. "'What matters is, you're putting Lily in the most serious danger'... what, did you think I didn't know it was you talking him out of it?" She watched as he stood up, staring, wounded and angry. After what felt like an eternity, he began to walk away. A muttered spell slammed the doors behind him.

It was only then that Lily felt the enormous weight of the emerald around her neck. And remembered.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Remus and Sirius, both with red-rimmed eyes from the morning's "festivities," had so far not had much luck in finding James. They had, however, been following his path of destruction for some time now. He'd left in his wake more than twenty terrified Ravenclaws (library), fifty-three slightly ripped and very disapproving paintings (grand staircase), one horrified Fat Lady (portrait hole) and a path of scorched stones and wallpaper the entire way up the Gryffindor Tower staircase. Finally they came to the prefect's bedroom, which was in worse shape than they'd ever seen it. And that was saying a lot - James was not known for his neatness.

"My fault!" he roared, sparks scattering from his wand. "As if I was the one..." a puff of red and silver liquid smoke burst from his wand and splattered on the wall. Remus and Sirius exchanged looks.

"Er... James... I know you're upset, but perhaps you should calm down a little?" Sirius was having a difficult time keeping his voice calm - he'd never seen his friend this angry, and if the rumors he'd heard about his ancestry were even half true, he was probably capable of doing some serious damage in a mood like this. "Or at least give me your wand?" One long, pointy, mahogany projectile came sailing across the room.

"Wingardium Leviosa!" Remus shouted, diverting the wand from its path - it only just missed Sirius's head - and safely into his hand.

"Thanks mate," Sirius said darkly, taking the wand from Remus and tucking it carefully into his trouser pocket.

"Sorry, Sirius, but I just... she just... how does she... she just makes me so... indescribably mad!!" James exploded, and at the last word the curtains on his four-poster bed burst into flames.

Remus's jaw hit the floor. "How did you just do that?"

"Do what?" James heaved. The last outburst had been enough to pacify him momentarily; he seemed much calmer. He also seemed completely insensible of the pile of goose down that was burning wildly directly behind him.

"Set your sodding bed on fire without a wand, is all," Sirius gaped, and James spun around.

"Holy Merlin."

The three of them stood there staring at the blazing bed for quite some time.

"I'm really not sure," James offered finally.

"I think it's starting to burn out," Remus said, nudging the smouldering ashes carefully with his toe. As he did so, the flames leaped up again, scorching the ceiling.

Sirius elbowed him. "Nice going."

"Hey, I'm not the one who set the thing on fire, am I?" Remus asked, indignant. Sirius shrugged.

"I didn't really do that without a wand, did I?" James shook his head incredulously. "I mean, really?"

Sirius flipped the mahogany wand out of his trouser pocket and waggled it at James. "Certainly looks like it, though," he said casually. "Don't suppose you had to study so hard for that Charms final, after all, huh?"

The three went back to gazing at the bed, which would, every once in a while, appear to have petered out before it flickered back to life... how long they sat there staring at the flames, James would never be sure. He was, however, sure that he would always remember being snapped out of his reverie - he jumped about a foot as he felt a quavering hand on his shoulder.

"Very impressive, dragon breath," Lily said, in a tone that suggested her eyebrows were almost at her hairline, "but can you put it out?"

Later that evening, as James and Lily lay curled up in her rather less charred bed, she apologized. "I'm really sorry I said those things... you know I don't really think... I mean, I was just really upset, and..."

"Yeah, I know," he said. "And you know I meant every word I said, right?" Lily nodded. "I'd give up everything I have if it meant you wouldn't have to suffer."

She smiled weakly. "Oh, I bet you say that to all the girls."

"Well, no," he replied, "but I'd do it for anyone. I mean, if I could get Voldemort to go away by sacrificing... you know, something... I would."

"'It must often be so, when things are in danger... someone has to give them up, lose them, so that others may keep them,'" Lily sighed, staring off into space. "You know, sometimes I wish Tolkein wasn't so relevant." Her voice was light, but the silence after her words fell away was heavy nonetheless. "James... I know this sounds stupid, but... do you ever wish we lived in normal times?"

She expected him to say something clever, something witty, something dismissive of the danger they were truly in. But James had grown introspective. "Of course," he replied. "But it's what we've been dealt, so we have to deal with it. I'll never understand why it had to be now, why it has to be me, and there's plenty of times that I wish it wasn't now, and wasn't me, and wasn't everyone close to me... because, I'm not really especially brave, or heroic or any of that rubbish, I just had really famous great-great-great - well, I don't know how many greats there are - grandparents. Sometimes all I want to do is run away and pretend it doesn't exist, but... I feel like I have to be here and fight, like it's expected of me. Or destined for me. Ugh, listen to me, no wonder you think I'm self-centred..." at this Lily snorted, "but I just feel like, if I don't do it, who will?"

"Well... I will, for one," she said simply. "And Dumbledore will. And Sirius, and Remus, and Peter. And loads of other people." She touched a hand to his cheek and gave him a wistful half-smile. "Who knows, maybe we can cheat fate."

"Maybe," James answered, then smiled wickedly. As soon as she saw those teeth flashing, Lily knew that the serious part of the conversation was over. "Then again, I don't think fate is all bad. For example, I'm feeling distinctly fated to kiss you right now."

"Well, then," she grinned as his lips came down on hers, "call me a true believer."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Peter sat staring out the window, shoulders hunched and knees brought up to his chest. The wind - he didn't think he'd ever seen the weather as angry as this - howled through the trees of the Forbidden Forest, and smashed dense gusts of snow about the grounds, into enormous drifts against the gatehouse walls, against the windows, against everywhere. All in all, the weather seemed to be behaving exactly in the same way as his stomach.

They did this, he thought. I did this. Every time he closed his eyes he saw the horrified expressions on his friends' faces: Sirius and Remus in shock, James with silent tears streaming down his face as he held Lily... and Lily's own face, screwed up in pain, red as her hair, howling. How she had cried... the sound she had made... the ragged little gasps of breath between agonized sobs... he had never heard anyone cry like that. He'd seen his share of jilted lovers sobbing prettily in the Gryffindor common room, of course, but this was something completely different. She wasn't doing it for attention, she didn't even seem aware that she was screaming loud enough for the entire castle to hear, she didn't care. She was alone with her pain. It was terrible, it was primal, it was loud and angry and profoundly sad at the same time. And for all that... it was beautiful.

It was unbelievable to him that you could do that to someone, could make someone cry and scream like she and her pain were the only things left in the world. Of course, he knew that he hadn't done it, not personally... he was pretty sure that had been Malfoy's privilege, but all the same... he had been part of it, hadn't he? He felt terrible that Lily - pretty, sweet, talented Lily, who had always been nice to him - was the person who had been screaming... but still, he had to admit that a thrill shot through him when he thought that he was part of what made her scream. He was part of that power. And that was exhilarating. Horrible, of course. But exhilarating.

"Peter," came an apologetic voice, "I know you must be terribly upset about what happened, but I need you to know that it wasn't..."

"It's okay. It doesn't matter, really... after all, they were only Muggles, right?"

Narcissa's frozen smile twitched just the tiniest bit. "Only Muggles. Right."