Where's Legolas?

Hermione Granger made her way down the overly crowded corridors. Where are they? Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, Hermione's best friends, were late. Didn't they say to meet them here?

By 'here', Hermione meant a cast bronze statue of a gnarled wizard, who was apparently naked. Not a pretty sight. Hermione averted her gaze as much as possible from the flamboyant statue's 'parts' and tried to ignore his catcalls from across the horde of people making their way to lunch.

"Come on, baby! Just you and ol' Nigel tonight! Come on, have a go at it!"

Hermione stuffed her fingers into her ears, at the same time trying to cover up her brand new uniform. Despite her best efforts, a black lacy halter top and a plaid kilt defiantly peeped around her bag, waving to the wizened wizard.

"Tha's the stuff!" said the statue.

Hermione decided that the new uniforms were even more provocative than she fist had thought. Who had thought to make uniforms with minds of their own? Seriously, there were too many Wizarding Crack circles in the staff, too many to count. Teachers had taken up smoking in class as well, making the students temporarily high.

Hermione decided that her next issue advocacy campaign was going to be centered on stopping the spread of W. Crack in the student body.

As she was pondering this, Harry and Ron hurried along the corridor towards her. The old wizard statue let out an even louder catcall when he saw Ron, who blushed deep crimson and mumbled to himself, "Stupid git statue. Told him I don't float that way, but he wouldn't listen! Barmy old codger, I only fantasize about Orlando Bloom and Josh Hartnett."

Hermione and Harry stared at him strangely.

"Uh... wow it's gusty in here," said Ron conversationally, gesturing down to his bare legs. The boys' uniform, of course, was a solitary pair of underpants. They had been modified however; the first edition pants had had the British flag on them, but Dumbledore, in an executive decision with the Minister, said that the flag was offensive to wizarding kind, so they got rid of it.

The new underpants were much better. They were Mood pants, and were similar to Mood rings. They flashed different shades of Mood Gel not when they wearer experienced a bodily temperature change, but were based on the varying fantasies of the wearer. Right now Ron's underpants were blue, which meant he was being tickled by Legolas in his fantasy.

Hermione took one quick glance at Ron's Mood pants and smiled cattily.

"What, Hermione?" said Ron in a squeaky voice, his pants now a shade of maroon that matched the color on his face.

"Er... your abs are nice..." she said dreamily. "Wait-no, they're not! Who said I had a fetish for abs? Because I don't spend every waking moment thinking about how much Neville needs to work out..."

"We'll just forget you said that," said Harry uncomfortably.

"Well, of course, you have nice abs, so why wouldn't you say that..." said Hermione in the direction of the statue.

"You say I have nice abs? Dirty minx! C'mere and show me what else ye'll do!" said the statue.

"I WASN"T TALKING TO YOU, NIGEL!" screamed Hermione. "You are DEFINITELY on my NOT list for hot abs!"

"She was talking to you!" protested Hermione's kilt. "Don't listen!"

And the kilt proceeded to then give Nigel the statue a look of what was under Hermione's skirt.

"STOP!" she yelled at her skirt, which was flapping about wildly, giving both Ron and Harry a good look at up Hermione's kilt as well. They both swooned.

"That's twelve skirts I've looked up today! New record!" said Ron, his uniform now sparkly silver.

"Bugger. I've only looked up eight today," said Harry glumly.

"Cheer up, mate!" said Ron enthusiastically. "There's plenty of Legolas's kilt to look up to go around! He's so manly..."

"I know!" exclaimed Hermione. "His abs... so nice... I don't normally drool, so you'll pardon me if I do, right?"

"Of course," said Harry casually. Hermione then drooled all over his shoe.

"Uh, right," said Harry, trying to shake the saliva off his shoe. "So, the reason why we're all here is--"

"Oooh, it's a good reason Hermione, you'll love it!" said Ron excitedly.

"Shut up, gay boy... anyway, the reason why we're all here is... I asked Legolas to appear here in a few minutes!"

"Right here? Really? Is my hair okay?" said Hermione very quickly.

"Mine too, Harry!" demanded Ron.

"Hold on... Hermione... very hot! What have you been doing to your hair!" said Harry.

"Oh, nothing special..." said Hermione casually. She had actually been ironing her hair out with a large Ancient Runes book to make it flatter. What she didn't realize was that the book had rat droppings in the binding, so her tangles had little brown things stuck in them. They had hardened, and become sparkly, which is very odd. They weren't supposed to do that.

So Hermione now looked like she had diamonds in her hair, which were in fact rat droppings that had W. Crack in the middle of them, because Neville is actually a drug dealer who had been using the droppings to smuggle his precious commodity in and out of the school. But Hermione didn't know that, thankfully.

Because then her hair would actually be against her new moral campaign against W. Crack!

"And Ron... your hair is... nice too," said Harry somewhat enthusiastically.

"You really think so? I made it all nice for Legolas and all..."

Just then, none other than Legolas himself arrived, decked out from head to toe in elven gear. He shimmered like a rainbow, or a unicorn, he was almost unreal in his beauty...

Hermione tried to contain herself but ended up drooling on his boot.

"Gross," said Legolas in a disgusted tone. "That'll ruin my perfect complexion!"

"But, it's on your boot," pointed out Harry.

"Shut up, you. Which one of you is Ronald Weasley?" said Legolas.

"M-m-m-me," squeaked Ron.

"You weren't that squeaky in my fantasies," said Legolas suspiciously.

"Your fantasies? The nerve! Elves! So arrogant," said Ron angrily, his uniform now turning storm cloud gray.

"Yet so HOT!" screeched Hermione. "Can I lick your hair? Please? Like a cat! I won't mess it up! Promise!"

"GROSS! NO! Do you know how much time I spent styling this wig, uh, I mean, handsome collection of manly-not-gay-directly-attached-to-my-scalp hair! And if I have to say the word 'gross' one more time, I am so outta here!" Legolas seemed very angry. Yet oh so hot.

"Okay, so the reason why you're here, Legolas, is--"

"C'mere! Oi! You! Handsome looking blond bloke! Yeah I'm talking to you! You with the vacant expression! Over here!" said the statue of smarmy Nigel.

"GROSS!" screeched Legolas for the third time. "That was the last time I'll say that word. Gotta be going now, I'm a busy elf--"

"No, please, stay!" Hermione begged, clinging to his ankle.

"Stay-with you nutters? No thanks. See you in your dreams, Ron," said Legolas with a last bow.

"Sure, honey bunch," said Ron.

Then, laying a finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney Legolas rose! And he exclaimed, ere he shot upwards out of site, "To the Woodland Realm! And to all a gay night!"

"Strange one, that Legolas," said Harry distractedly. All three of them stared at the elaborate elven fireplace at their feet, at a loss for words.

"Hey, everyone's leaving the Great Hall now-wanna go look up some kilts?" said Ron excitedly.

"Sure, why not?" said Harry nonchalantly. "I'll be getting revenge on Cho!"

Ron's underpants turned a pleased pink.

"I suppose I'll come too- I have to scrutinize Draco's abs some more," sighed Hermione.

"Draco? Since when do you call him 'Draco'?" asked Harry.

"I think Draco looking up my skirt brings us up to that next level, don't you think?" Hermione sighed contentedly.

"You just think he's hot!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do NOT! Due to us being Gryffindors, I can't!" she sobbed.

"Cheer up, Hermione... you've got us!" said Ron.

"And that's supposed to make me HAPPY?" yelled Hermione, sneaking a peek at Ron's abs over her shoulder.