Provocative New Uniforms

"Love triangle?" said Harry, confused. "What are you talking about, Ron?"

Ron scowled at Harry. Ron was looking a bit worse for the wear, as he was covered with scratches, had a black eye, and he was only wearing knickers with the British flag on them. Obviously the person who designed the new Hogwarts school uniforms had been high on Wizarding Weed... at least that was what all the students were betting their money on in the latest inter-student poll. Dumbledore had been going to seed over the past few years... Harry shook his head at all these thoughts and remembered that he was supposed to be staring at Ron.

"Oh, that's what they're calling our new school uniforms. I brought you yours," Ron said, tossing a pair of overly tight knickers at Harry.

Harry breathed a sigh of relief (which Ron did not notice, thankfully). "Well, obviously, whoever knitted these was watching Pearl Harbor while smoking W. Weed."

"Pearl whatsit?" said Ron, who was distracted by the itchiness of his school uniform and was not really paying attention.

"Oh, nothing, Dudley was watching it all last summer. I think he has a crush on Josh Hartnett or something," mumbled Harry.

"Don't we all," said Ron excitedly. "Did you notice the way that his black hair fell into his eyes?"

"Ever so much, you know, kinda like the way mine does-er, I mean, Tom Riddle's does- er, no, I meant Sirius's, or-"

"Oh, stop being so vain, Harry," said Hermione from the chair by the fire, where she was immersed in a Cosmo magazine cleverly concealed within a large Ancient Runes book. Well, they don't call her clever for nothing, after all.

"I'm hurt that you would say such a thing, Ron, really, when we're going out and all," said Hermione, using the Ancient Runes dictionary to conceal her new uniform as well as her magazine.

"But Hermione, what about that night when-" said Harry, confused.

"Shut up, Harry," said Hermione, who was barely moving her lips in a very Snape/Karkaroff-ish fashion.

"So, were you lot all issued a new uniform?" asked Ron casually.

"Sure we were," said Hermione, eyeing Ron's bare chest. Note to self, she thought amusedly, buy Ron steroids the next time I'm in Hogsmeade, or at least get him to work out a little more. Sheesh, he calls those pecs? He's more flat-chested than that whiny git from The Princess Diaries, who so copied my hairstyle, by the way.

Hermione's thoughts then flipped to Harry, who thank God was not wearing his tea-cozy sized new uniform yet. Though she personally knew from experience that Harry had a six-pack harder than granite, or Dean Thomas's. Did I think that? She asked herself, surprised. Well, she had seen Dean's abs once or twice, when he had gone swimming in the lake. Well, then, she thought, I've seen Viktor's abs too (when he pulled me out of the lake), and Seamus's, and Michael Corner's, and even that annoying bloke Zacharias Smith's, but of course "by accident"...

As Hermione stared at her magazine, Ron and Harry were desperately trying to see up her skirt, that is, uh, see her skirt, because they wanted to make fun of her new uniform too. Hermione didn't notice, of course, because she was engrossed in sizing up all the boys she knew to dear Vicky Krum (in her mind, of course, that dirty little minx).

"So, aren't you going to show us your legs- er, uniform?" Ron said quickly.

"What?" Hermione said, snapping back to reality. "Oh-yes-sure, hang on."

"Goody, haven't been this excited since waffle day in the Great Hall," said Ron eagerly, still trying to see up Hermione's skirt, which was really...

A kilt! The secret of who had designed the girls uniforms was revealed, as the kilts were all in McGonagall plaid. Harry's mind, which was off to wander, drifted to the time he had eaten biscuits from a tartan tin in McGonagall's office. He now realized that McGonagall was actually a perv, considering the shortness of the skirt. Or maybe she had been high on Wizarding Weed too...

The top was a black lace halter top, which was very revealing to say the least. Harry's inner gay self's fashion sense cringed at the thought of black lace with plaid, but for some reason, Hermione looked good in it.

Ron skipped with joy. "Off to class, then- I'm after Hermione!"

Hermione sighed with annoyance, as Ron had already forgotten what was up her skirt. She would have to flash him somewhere in the hall, she supposed. But then, she thought, brightening, If all the guy's uniforms don't have shirts, then this will be a great opportunity to analyze chests and abs...

If all the girls' skirts are this short, thought Harry, grinning mischievously, Then I can look up lots of skirts at a time, especially on the stairs...

Ron, oblivious to it all, was now lost in a fantasy with not only Josh Hartnett, but Orlando Bloom as well, where they were having a row over who was going to massage Ron's... er, well, we don't need to get into that right now. Ron was having serious doubts on the side about whether dating Hermione was all that great anyway.

Finally they made it down to Potions, where they found the classroom in a state of mild disarray. Empty vodka bottles, kegs, and those ubiquitous red plastic cups you always find at keggers, were strewn all over the classroom amid a sea of Dark Mark-shaped pillows. Apparently the Death Eaters had been here partying last night with their dear old comrade Sevvy.

Harry, Ron and Hermione picked their way through the debris, Ron giggling madly like the girl he was. He swore he had seen a pair of underwear on the dungeon floor.

Well that was all very well with Harry, because a potential Death Eater party last night predicted Snape's imminent hung-over-ness, as well as Snape's romp amid the pillows... However, this probably would not improve his mood much.

"Good morning, class," said Snape's voice, though Snape himself was nowhere to be found. Students stared around confusedly, some peering into red plastic cups to see if Snape was hiding in there.

But they soon found out where Snape was cowering: he was entwined in a sea of black blankets in the corner. He emerged from the blankets, and there was a collective gasp and shudder around the room, except for Ron's mad giggling.

Snape was wearing what apparently was the new male teacher's school uniform, a solitary pair of graying underpants, unwashed, of course (like his hair). Hermione's mouth dropped open as she stared fixedly at Snape's washboard abs. One might even go as far as to say that Snape had better abs than (gasp!) Harry. Ron fervently resolved to include Snape in his fantasies from now on.

Just then, one charmingly handsome Draco Malfoy strutted into the classroom. All of the Slytherin girls swooned as they saw his washboard abs, incredible pecs, and toned butt. All of the Gryffindor girls secretly swooned too, but tried to hide their emotion due to the inter-house rivalry.

"Snape, you're humiliating the Dark Side! What were you thinking, wearing those around? Wait till I tell Daddy about this!"

It's really too bad that they were all dead five minutes later for reasons we cannot explain (we were debating between a giant earthworm killing them all or Legolas possibly)... well, maybe it's not, because Harry was planning on killing them all anyway in one of his mad psychopathic rampages as described in the fifth book. It's a good thing because this story was getting seriously disturbing.

But due to Gryffindors being Gryffindors, will they be resurrected and live on? If they do, hopefully they'll have straightened out by then. There's always room for a sequel.