Malfoy's A Girl!

"You are, are you?" Ron Weasley yelled across the Gryffindor common room. "Fine, then, see if I care!"

"I won't bother seeing if you care! I won't even bother sending you so much as an owl!" Harry Potter yelled back.

One would think that, after hearing this, Harry and Ron were fighting, just as Hermione Granger thought when she heard the shouts in her dormitory. However, the expressions on their faces were plain: they found this quite amusing. Ron was trying really hard not to laugh and Harry was grinning ear to ear.

"Oh yeah?" yelled Ron, now a bit pink in the face from trying not to laugh.

"Yeah!" Harry shouted in the general direction of the girl's dormitories.

"Alright, here she comes," whispered Ron to Harry. "Look really mad."

"Okay," said Harry. He furrowed his eyebrows so much that it hurt, and glared at Ron, who glared back.

Hermione rushed down the spiral staircase leading to the girl's dormitories and ran over to where Harry and Ron were staring at each other menacingly.

"What's going on here?" said Hermione shrilly. "Ron, you're a prefect, you should know better than that!"

"We're having a row here, Hermione," said Ron matter-of-factly. "It's customary to shout, didn't you know?"

"You two are not having a row, you're trying to prevent me from studying," said Hermione, obviously displeased. "Stop it or I'll have to report you to Professor McGonagall."

"Hermione, we were just having a bit of fun," said Harry seriously. "You've been shut up there all night, we figured you needed a break."

"Yeah," said Ron. "And we wanted to make sure you were still coming with us to Hogsmeade tomorrow. It'll be great - no studying or books or practice N.E.W.T.s."

"Oh, honestly, haven't you two a bit tired of Hogsmeade yet? I really think we should use this opportunity to study in the library." Hermione raised her eyebrows expectantly at the pair of them.

"Come on, Hermione, do we really have to?" Ron whined.

"In case you didn't hear Professor Flitwick, Ron," said Hermione, "We have a seven page essay due on Monday on the similarities of jinxes and charms!" She rounded on Harry. "And Harry, you also have a five page essay on the properties of Veritaserum! Now really, I think you should come with me to the library!"

Harry and Ron stared guiltily back. A day in the library with Hermione? Surely it would be dull beyond belief, sitting there, writing countless papers on things they didn't care about?

Ron exchanged glances with Harry. "Fine," he sighed at Hermione, who smiled.

"Excellent! I'll see you two tomorrow!" Hermione dashed back up the stairs.

That Saturday dawned bright and sunny. Harry wanted desperately to go to Hogsmeade, as it was the first visit of the year and had promised to be a good Christmas shopping opportunity. At least there's another visit in November, thought Harry dully as he padded down the spiral staircase and into the sunlight-strewn common room.

Harry spotted Hermione sitting alone at a table near the windows surrounded by towers of books. Ron had not been in the dormitory that morning when Harry had woken up, and so he assumed that Ron was down at breakfast.

"So, er... do we still get to eat meals today?" asked Harry tentatively as Hermione peered at him over Arithmancy charts.

"Well, I sent Ron down to get a few stacks of toast for us," said Hermione absently, rearranging the piles of books in front of her. "I'd appreciate it if you could take this stack of books down to the library for me, thanks," she said as she shoved a stack of seven books into Harry's arms.

Harry staggered under the weight. "No problem," he mumbled to the books in front of his face.

"Um... Hermione, I need to go get my bag..." Harry said, but it sounded muffled because of all of the books in front of him.

"What's that, Harry?" said Hermione from somewhere in front of Harry.

Harry put down the stack of books. "I'll go get my bag," he said.

"Alright," said Hermione as Ron came through the portrait hole carrying buttered toast and jam in a napkin.
"I'll go get my bag too," said Ron quickly with a glance at all of the books on the table. He followed Harry to their dormitory and grabbed his bag, all the while muttering, "It's such a nice day, perfect for going to Hogsmeade, why I opened my mouth I dunno..."

When all was said and done, Hermione was leading the way down a sunlit corridor carrying five books, Harry behind her carrying his stack of seven, and Ron trailing behind carrying huge Ancient Runes dictionaries and three books explaining the properties of different potions ingredients.

Upon entering the library, Hermione ushered them into a corner surrounded by huge bookcases thrice the height of Ron with long silver ladders leaned against them that were used to get books at the very top. Hermione slammed her stack of books down and motioned for Harry and Ron to do the same. They arranged themselves around the table and pulled out parchment, ink, and quills. Soon all that could be heard in that corner was the scratching of quills, the flipping of pages, and Ron's heavy sighs.

An hour later, Harry had wandered away from the corner where Hermione was studiously scribbling away. He had said that he needed a book on deadly night shade, but instead he found himself gazing out the window at Hogsmeade in the distance.

After five minutes of staring out the window, he started to wonder vaguely about the voices that he was hearing in the background. Harry reverted his attention to the library and looked around for the source of the voices. They seemed to be coming from the next row over. Harry pressed himself against the bookshelf on his right and listened.

"...she won't know what hit her. What, Goyle?" the voice of Draco Malfoy said.

"Uh, what're we doing again?" said a deep voice thickly.

"I just told you back in the common room, Crabbe and Goyle, honestly!" Malfoy said. "Fine. Okay. See those ladders that go up to the tops of the bookcases?" Harry assumed that Crabbe and Goyle had nodded. "Well, I'm going to climb up to the very top and stand up there, because I'm the lightest," said Malfoy smugly. "I'll crawl over to those bookcases around her, see? Then I'll levitate all of her books, one by one, off of the table. Then, I'll slam them all down on her head. She'll be knocked unconscious, and hopefully the Weasel and Potty will be too, and then we'll..."

Harry didn't stay to listen more. He crept quietly back over to where Hermione and Ron were flipping through a particularly large book on Charms, and lowered himself into his chair.

"What's up?" said Ron, noticing that Harry hadn't returned with his book. "Didn't they have the book?" Hermione looked up from her Charms paper.

"Forget about the book," whispered Harry. "I just overheard Malfoy talking to those big oafs Crabbe and Goyle about smashing books on our heads." Harry had decided to just come out and say it, and when he was done telling what he'd heard, Ron's mouth was agape and Hermione was tight lipped.

"What're we going to do?" whispered Ron frantically. "I say we get out of here now, no way am I getting concussed by library books." Ron slammed his book shut and made to get up.

"No!" said Hermione, grabbing him by the collar and slamming him back down into his chair.

"Ouch - are you mad?" said Ron, massaging his neck. "We need to get out!"

"No, we can't now, it'll be obvious that we overheard Malfoy," said Hermione. "I don't usually bring this many books with me, you know."

"Well, how about we send Harry up to the top of the bookcases - that way he can jinx Malfoy right off." Ron looked around at Harry and Hermione.

"No, that'll be too obvious too," said Hermione. "I say we just keep studying."

"WHAT?" said Ron, disbelieving what he had just heard.

"Quiet, Ron!" said Hermione, looking around. "Just until Malfoy comes round."

"Alright," said Ron, and Harry nodded too.

Five minutes later, Harry was still pretending to read the musty index of A Jinx In A Charmed Jar. Every few moments, Harry would sneak a glance at the bookcases overhead, but he would see nothing. As Harry rubbed his eyes wearily, he heard a faint scuffling from overhead. Hermione and Ron seemed to have heard it too, and Hermione gave them warning looks that said, Don't look up!

A book from the top of a massive pile to Harry's left started to lift itself up into the air slowly. Harry saw it in the corner of his eye, and he tapped Ron and Hermione under the table and gestured at it with his eyes.

Hermione casually took out her wand and laid it on the table. Harry and Ron followed suit. Malfoy seemed not to notice, as the book rose steadily higher.

Suddenly Hermione faked a huge yawn and leaped to her feet. Harry and Ron stared up at her. She said, "You know, all this studying has made my legs fall asleep. Mind if I practice some jinxes?"

Ron smirked. "No, not at all," he said casually. "Mind if I help?"

"No, of course not. Harry, could you help too?" said Hermione, turning to Harry.

"Yeah, I could," said Harry. "What do you want me to do?"

"Climb up that ladder about midway and grab that large red book for me, would you?" said Hermione, pointing. "I want to see if I can jinx things accurately when they're up high," she said as Harry started to climb.

"Okay," said Harry. Briefly he saw the hem of a black robe up top, but it vanished. He climbed midway, pulled out a small, green book, and said, "This one, Hermione?"

"No, the red one," said Hermione, mouthing, "Hurry!" afterwards. Harry saw a book slowly float behind Ron's head.

"Ron! Look, a flying book behind you!" Harry exclaimed. Ron whirled around and grabbed onto the book.

"Wouldn't want that to get away, would we?" he said as the book struggled in his hands. Then --

"AARRGGHH!" Ron shouted as he was lifted into the air attached to the book.

"Ron!" Hermione screamed. She desperately tugged on the hem of his jeans, but it was no use. Ron rose past Harry. Harry tried to reach out to Ron.

"Grab my hand - AAHHH!" Harry shouted as he lost his balance and fell from the ladder. His hair skimmed Ron's shoes as he fell, heading straight for the table and the stacks of books.

Hermione snatched up her wand and narrowly avoided being hit by the red book that was in Harry's hands seconds before. She pointed her wand at the nearest book and said, "Cushionus!" Instantly the rune dictionary turned into a large cushion. Harry fell on top of it with a large thump, bounced, and came to a stop. He slid off the cushion and onto the floor.

"Thanks, Herm -"

"There's no time!" said Hermione hastily. "Climb up the ladder to the top - I'll follow!"

Harry quickly scaled the bookcase and reached the top, where Ron and Draco were standing. They were pointing their wands at each other, Ron still holding onto the book. Harry had left his wand down on the table below, so he backed away and let Hermione come up the ladder. Malfoy had spotted them, but he was threatening Ron at the moment, so he didn't seem to care much.

"Yeah, Weasel?" Malfoy was sneering at Ron. "What're you gonna do to me?"

"Are you sure you wanna know, Malfoy?" said Ron, red in the face.

"Oh, you don't have a plan, now, do you?" said Malfoy.

"I do too!" said Ron.

During this, Harry pointed out to Hermione that he didn't have his wand. Hermione pointed her wand downwards and said, "Accio wand!" Harry's wand zoomed up, and Hermione caught it before handing it to Harry.

They turned back to Ron and Malfoy, who were still shouting at each other. Harry was surprised Madam Pince hadn't come over yet. He looked round, but didn't see her. Then he noticed that Hermione was crawling in the opposite direction of where Ron and Malfoy stood.

"What're you doing?" whispered Harry to Hermione. "Where are you going?"

"You'll see," she replied. "If anyone knows their way around the library, it's me."

"Right," said Harry, turning away and walking back to where Ron and Malfoy were. He dropped to his knees too and sneaked up behind Malfoy. Ron saw him down there, but Harry put a finger to his lips and motioned like he was going to hit Malfoy.

"Weasley, I think you're turning out just like your mother," Malfoy was saying as Harry thought about what jinx he wanted to use on Malfoy. "Not the fat part, I mean."

"The WHAT, MALFOY?" Ron yelled.

"The FAT part," said Malfoy.

"You're gonna pay for that - Engorgio!" Ron said, and a jet of light shot at Malfoy. Malfoy ducked, but the spell caught his hair. His white-blonde hair thickened, and then it started to grow at an alarming rate. Before long he looked like a rock superstar.

"WEASLEY!" screamed Malfoy, but it was muffled through all the hair. Ron started to laugh really hard as Malfoy thrashed wildly, trying to see through all the hair.

Harry had thought of a jinx now, he pointed his wand up at the blond Cousin It and said, "Lusmas!" A string of Muggle Christmas lights entangled itself into Malfoy's hair, only instead of light bulbs, candles in bulbs appeared.

"ARGH!" screamed Malfoy, and he flailed even more. The lights started to blink on and off repeatedly.

Malfoy had somehow managed to stick his wand out of his curtain of hair and Christmas lights. He said something that Harry couldn't hear, and Ron instantly was flapping around on the floor just like a fish out of water.

"Harry - HELP!" he said between flaps.

"Finite Incantatem!" said Harry, and Ron stopped flapping. Malfoy's hair also returned to normal and his Christmas lights vanished. He looked positively mad.

"POTTER - WEASLEY -" he fumed, his wand clenched in his fist.

"Couldn't think fast enough, could you, Malfoy?" said Harry, smirking.

"You're going to wish you hadn't said that -" Malfoy raised his wand, and--

"Silencio!"

Malfoy opened his mouth and started to yell, but no sound came out. But Harry hadn't put that charm on him--

"Luna?" Harry asked incredulously as he stared at Luna Lovegood on the bookcase opposite him. "How did you get here?"

Luna smiled faintly. "Oh, I was studying at a nearby table. I saw you come up here and jinx him," she said in a dreamy tone, pointing at Malfoy. "He was insulting Ronald's mother, so I figured you would want him to be quiet."

"Yeah, well, thanks, Luna," said Harry. He turned to Ron. Help me force him down the ladder, would you?"

"Get down the ladder, you sad excuse for a git," Ron said menacingly. Ron pointed his wand at Malfoy as he slowly descended the ladder. Once Harry, Ron, Malfoy, and Luna were on the ground again, Malfoy tried to run away.

"Mobilicorpus!" said Luna dreamily, and Malfoy was hoisted in midair. He started to flail again. Crabbe and Goyle rounded the corner just then, and tried to grab Malfoy out of midair, but were unsuccessful.

"What d'you say we jinx them and move them to the top of the bookcase?" asked Ron, grinning.

"I say we make them look like girls first." Harry grinned, and he and Ron moved in on them.

"We can leave them in the girl's bathroom," said Ron.

Just then, Hermione reappeared. "I've got a better idea," she said. "Luna, come with me."

Luna followed obediently, and the pair of them walked out of sight.

Thirty minutes later, Luna and Hermione returned. Each was carrying a bundle of clothes that were all pink. Luna had scissors in one of her hands and Hermione was carrying lipstick. They dumped it all onto the table and saw that Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle were now lying on the floor, apparently Stunned. "Let's get to work," said Hermione. "This'll teach them to try and trick us."

That night at dinner, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were talking with Dean Thomas, Ginny Weasley, Seamus Finnigan, Neville Longbottom, Parvati Patil, and Lavender Brown about nothing in particular. Then Dean brought something funny up.

"I saw a few really ugly trolls out in the Entrance Hall a few minutes ago. Anyone know who they are?"

"Trolls?" asked Ron. "No, haven't a clue who they are."

"I didn't mean trolls, I meant girls that looked like trolls," Dean explained.

"Oh, yeah, Lavender and I saw them, the ones in pink?" Parvati said.

"Yeah, the two gorillas and the skinny blonde one," Dean said.

Just then, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle entered the Great Hall together. Apparently none of them had any clue why everyone was laughing at them. Draco stared around, and turned his head rapidly back to Crabbe and Goyle. A bunch of his newly long blonde hair hit him in the face. He seized it, and stared. Then he looked around and it was like he was seeing for the first time that he, Crabbe, and Goyle were all dressed in long, pink robes and all had long hair. Malfoy screamed and ran for the Slytherin table. Crabbe and Goyle followed, pointing excitedly at the roast ham on the table, blissfully unaware that they looked exactly like pink colored boulders. Malfoy ripped off his pink robe to reveal his school ones underneath. He tried to rip off his hair, but he couldn't. Crabbe and Goyle sat down and started eating.

Peals of laughter rang out in the Great Hall. Lavender and Parvati had collapsed in fits of giggles. Dean and Neville were pointing and laughing. Seamus, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, and Harry were snorting into their lentil soups.

"You know,' said Dean, after he had finally stopped laughing, "Malfoy is pretty as a girl, I think I'll go ask him on a date."

"Okay," said everyone at the table indifferently, except Harry.

"What?" Harry said, spitting out some of his soup.

"Harry! HARRY!" said Ron, only his lips weren't moving. Luna was standing on Hermione's head, yelling, "Silencio!" at the top of her lungs.

"HARRY!" Ron said. Harry opened his eyes, and Ron's blurry head swam into view. Harry grabbed his glasses off his bedside table and put them on.

"Get up Harry! We're going into Hogsmeade today!" Ron put a pile of waffles down on Harry's bedside table. "Hurry up! Get dressed!"

"We're not studying in the library with Hermione?" asked Harry sleepily.

"No, she's coming to Hogsmeade too," said Ron looking confused. "Are you feeling okay, mate?"

"I had the strangest dream, you wouldn't believe it," said Harry, rummaging in his trunk for some fresh robes. "I dreamed we dressed Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle up as girls and Dean thought Malfoy was pretty and asked her - er - him out."

"Sounds like a nightmare," said Ron, chewing a piece of waffle thoughtfully.