Draco's Delicate Condition

Let's face it - Draco's life is tough. The pressure and expectations from the parental units, a Dark Lord breathing down his back, keeping his grades up when there are babes to check out, and all those inferior enemies to insult and aggravate. What's a budding, young sex god to do? Join a still immature Draco starting his fifth year at Hogwarts. HP and the gang are present mostly as they relate to Draco. Oooo! So break out the Butterbeer, sit back, relax and explore why Draco's Condition is so 'Delicate'. This story is more fun than a barrel of fermented grindylows - but then, what isn't?

There’s an old saying; one wizard’s broken wand is another’s wizard’s door stop. So it is no surprise Draco’s exam fiasco launches Gryffindor house into a celebration which unfortunately will have unanticipated repercussions down the line for Harry and especially for Ron. And what about the morning after the big Gryffindor blow out? Oh don’t get me started - the morning-after headaches alone would have been punishment enough, but there is more trouble afoot. Draco’s attempt at retrieving his “personal property” from Hermione has the unfortunate effect of launching the biggest Hogwarts student riot in 500 years. Yes. Just when you thought it couldn’t get much worse – it does.

Draco is down, but not for long. When his girl gets sassy, he teaches her some manners in a style that demonstrates how he got his reputation as the ultimate Slytherin bad boy. I believe the lad would absolutely benefit from anger management lessons. No surprise that Draco bounces back to adjust the “oh so delicate” balance of power in Slytherin house. Also 5th year Potions class is sent into a dither by Snape’s sadistic idea of “improved educational opportunity” which is right up there for subtlety with the Spanish Inquisition. And Draco uses situation to his advantage as he attempts a love connection that no one in Slytherin saw coming.

It’s time for Quidditch tryouts with Captains Malfoy and Potter presiding. Learn to speak fluent “locker room Slytherin” from the master of blaspheming himself, Draco. Find out if a witch can make it onto the male dominated Slytherin Quidditch team for the first time in like a jillion years. Hermione’s “inner naughty girl” makes its first appearance. As for Draco’s over nourished “inner brat” we always knew it was in place and ready to strut. Listen in on a late night ‘bull session’ in Gryffindor dorm as Ron rants on and on… Speaking of brats, get ready for Seamus. Oh, and Harry takes yet another shot being referee for his battling buddies, Ron and Hermione.

This chapter all takes place during one day which for Draco seems to last forever. It all begins with the first match of the new Quidditch Season. It’s Slytherin vs. Pufflehoofs, I mean, Hufflepuffs. These aren’t your granddad’s Huffs either – this is the new era for Hufflepuff which Draco finds out the hard way. Also in this chapter Draco digs down deep to pull off some of his smoothest moves ever, standing up to Slytherin insurrection, annoying his ex-girl, and more to his pleasure he alternately “battles” and “makes nice” with his new girl, Hermione. Our favourite Slytherin even manages to get in some quality time with his… somewhat… controlling father.

Let’s see, there’s a bare knuckles rematch between Draco and a pain-in-the-rear Slytherin rival. Draco surprises Hermione with an unexpected present, although not necessarily the one she’s really drooling for and that Draco is stalling over. Ron is in bad shape with a bad case of the jitters, complements of Snape’s spider condo (boo hiss!). Oh, and thundering in the distance there’s trouble in the making from one or two other sources. This chapter gives the first inklings of the unusual nature of Draco’s “delicate condition”. And last but not least, someone else we all know and love, unexpectedly - forgive the uncouth language – [i]gits[/i] him some.

Talk about your bi-polar personalities, the volatile Mr Malfoy alternately terrorizes/pleases his fellow students and teachers and wins/loses massive quantities of points for Slytherin house. Draco is playing with fire and is busier than a one armed house-elf at Christmas. Warning: a bit more of the source of Draco’s "delicate condition" is revealed before this round is over. You’ll either need a box of tissues or some cold water to dash on your face. You might even opt to call your therapist for an appointment. Your call!

Chapter 8 - The story starts skipping down a dark, dark alley now, so don’t read this chapter without a teddy bear within reach or a hand to hold. But try not to worry too much; for every two skips to places dark, dreary and terrifying, there is a side skip to all things silly and stupefying. You’ll finally hear the source of Draco’s delicate condition and learn the stuff nightmares and pleasant dreams are made of. Harry has a fright in the Quidditch stadium from a surprising source. Hermione learns the true meaning of ‘Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride’ and at long last, we find out what newly ‘bad boy’ Ron has gotten himself into – no pun intended.

Chapter 9 – Draco shows backbone in this chapter, facing off with ‘the littlest Hogwarts bully’, trading insults with Harry and disciplines his obstinate Gryffindor Bay-ay-bee with surprising results for the both of them. A trip to Hogsmead and the Three Broomsticks reveals the full cauldron’s worth of activity including additional hassles for Draco. But better than that, we get a return visit to the Griffindor boy’s dorm featuring an irrepressible young man whose name roughly rhymes with ‘shameless’ and that’s no coincidence. Throw in a full meaure of hickies all around and you may just find this long chapter a little too short.

Chapter 10 – Captain ‘Madman’ Malfoy’s former days of boredom look pret-ty good now as he attempts to chastise his dangerous and revengeful ex-girlfriend, defend his mates and pound discipline the grousing Slytherin Quidditch team, all of whom are now the new love focus of every randy witch at Hogwarts. And none of the above is any easier for Draco to deal with his formerly helpful, vindictive, greasy haired and snarky Potions professor out for his blood. Add to the mix, there is trouble in paradise as Hermione reveals her traumatic troubles with the ‘Pride of the Boy’s Dorm’. Draco tries to keep it all together and discovers that sometimes the time honored ‘Malfoy way’ sucks like a stoat on a raw egg.

Ugly ancient spells, preparing for the Hufflepuff showdown on the Quidditch pitch, coming to grips with yet another ‘ex’ girlfriend – oh the angst! Can Draco deal with it all? Only one way to find out; join Hermione and Harry as they drag Draco on a treacherous journey to the depths of Draco’s childhood memories. Ready yourself for a surprise or two as they search for keys to unravel the spells enslaving Draco. But hang on… without his main squeeze, will Draco give a rat’s bum whether he is freed or not? And will Draco’s impending freedom be a hollow victory if the senior Malfoy finds out what his son is up to? Whew! Oh, and be sure to join Ron and his secret ‘bit of fluff’ in the Astronomy Tower where naughty Mr. T meets dear Miss C.

Surprises abound for overworked Draco when the long awaited day of the Slytherin vs. Hufflepuff match arrives at last. After weeks of brutal training, the Slytherin, whose motto is ‘What the Referee Didn’t See, Didn’t Happen’, go up against the ‘inspired’ Hufflepuff in a nasty grudge match. Easy pickings for Slytherin? Ha! The Hufflepuff motto is ‘Dead Men Tell No Tales’. Be advised, the action for the trio watching the match will prove every bit as exciting as anything over the pitch. And beneath the stadium scaffolding the action is dead brutal and raucously scandalous. This chapter has bits and bobs not suitable for the squeamish. A jog around the park is strongly recommended before reading this chapter – you’ll need your strength.

Get out those hankies folks because Draco is on his deathbed. All of Gryffindor waits on the sidelines ready to boogie all night at the news of Malfoy’s demise. In Draco’s honor there is a somewhat haphazard Quidditch rematch. Ron pours out his miserable randy heart to a piece of furniture. The Gryffindor boys dorm hosts a no-holds-barred fight missing only a mud pit and a referee. Harry masters speaking in coherent sentences. Professor Snape breaks some bad news. Hermione ‘has a peek’ and stands a good chance to score for the holidays that ‘special present’ she has hankered for in the worst way – wink, wink. And we begin our final decent into darkness. No guarantees the light will ever come on again. Heh, heh, heh.

When last seen, Draco was headed home for a peaceful Christmas with his family on the heels of Lucius, his ever-powerful father. Well, sure Lucius is a dark wizard but it’s Christmas right? How bad could things get? Yeah, gives me the shivers too. So get ready for the final showdown, the final nightmare and the final chance for all the Hogwarts couples to sort themselves out. There WILL be plastered pink bits all around. So without further ado, here is the final chapter of Draco’s Delicate Condition.