Going Under: The Journal of Draco Malfoy

Chapter 8: DON'T SPEAK

January 4^th 11:00 pm

I walk among the blackness.

I cannot find the light.

Bound by my deceit,

Forever chained to the night.

Here I lie, next to the dead.

I long for the feel of your skin,

But find ash and bone instead.

Haunted by my betrayal,

Struck you down by my own hand.

I long for your forgiveness,

Inside this forsaken land.

Beaten by a monster.

Broken and left to die.

I am buried among the corpses,

Choking on the smell.

Without you,

I have condemned myself to hell.

Faded into nothing,

Driven insane by my own thoughts,

In a web of lies,

I am eternally caught.

Though among all the darkness,

Tiny drops of hope still linger in my veins.

Faintly I can feel your arms wrapped around me,

My heart forever calling your name.

January 5^th 6:00 pm

I have arrived back at school, and I have yet to see you. The wounds of my body have been healed, but I do not think my heart can ever be whole again. I am dying without you, Harry. My betrayal eats away at my fragile soul, and I long for the warmth of your light. The consequences of my actions I knew, but I never knew how hard it would be to live with them. I live in a waking nightmare bound by my memories, torn apart by the pain. I am broken, Harry. Shattered like glass on a stone floor, nothing but brunt ash after a raging fire. My body remains, my heart keeps beating, my lungs fill with air, but I am nothing more than a shell. In saving you I lost me.

January 6^th 11:30 pm

You cornered me today. I saw both longing and rage in your eyes. You screamed at me, kissed me, and held me. It took all that I had to push you away. Every cell of my body cried in protest as I shoved you hard from my body. The realization dawned in your eyes, and you begged me not to do it.

"Don't give up, Draco," you whispered.

"Don't ever touch me again Potter," I hissed back.

"I won't let you do this! I won't let you push me away! I can protect you, save you."

"No one can save me Potter." With that I turned my back to you, and walked away.

January 16^th 12: 01 am

I am watching you sleep tonight. You will never know that I was here or that I have more than one port key that brings me directly to your room. This is not the first time I have been beside your bed. Many nights my obsession with you would over take me, and I would find myself next to you watching you sleep. There is something calming in the way you breathe; something powerful in knowing there is no one but me watching. No crowds, or gawkers that have come to stare at the boy who lived. No hopeless souls that expect you to be their hero. Just me, Draco Malfoy, alone with the boy who is just Harry. I become the center of your attention in those moments, I brush away the tears that fall, and calm the nightmares that come to claim you. Once I even went so far as to climb into bed with you. I remember just lying there terrified that you would wake up and find me next to you. I held my breath wanting to get closer to you, to touch you. Just when the urge to feel you overtook me you moved closer to me, and laid your head upon my shoulder. In the waking world you saw me as your bitter enemy, but in the realm of sleep you clung to me like your shelter from the storm. I traced your scar, and brushed the hair from your face. You arched towards my touch and protested when I stopped my caresses. It was then I that I knew you belonged with me. Your mind had yet to realize it, but your heart was already mine. As I look upon you now I want that moment back again. I want to crawl into bed with you and hold you until the dawn breaks. I want to wake you up and make love to you. I want to say I am sorry, to tell you that you have saved me, Harry. You have saved me a thousand times over, but I cannot do any of those things. So I just sit here and watch you sleep. Watch the way your chest rises and falls with each breath. I find my own breathing slowly down to match your own like I can meld our two bodies together with just one thought. All the pressure and the hurt that has been raging in my world comes crashing down, and without thinking I find myself laying my head down upon the bed. Weariness sets in, and my eyes begin to close. Just a short rest my weak voice echoes in my head. Sleep takes over, and drift away to the land of dreams.

January 16^th 7:04 am

"Wake up, Malfoy. You have a lot of explaining to do."