Going Under: The Journal of Draco Malfoy

Chapter 9: TO THE EDGE OF IT ALL

January 16^th 7:05 am

"Wake up, Malfoy. You have a lot of explaining to do."

Those words were the ones that drove me out of my peaceful sleep. I awoke to find you staring at me, looking like you were pushing back the urge to kick me to floor, and start screaming. It took a moment to clear my head, and the first instinct I had was to run. I tried to rip open the curtains masking your bed, but to my horror found that they were charmed in place.

"Don't bother. You won't be leaving until I decide to let you leave, Malfoy."

You twirled my wand in your hand, and I made a blind grab for it. I ended up missing, and found myself pinned to your bed, your body crushing mine to the mattress.

"Get off, Potter! Let me go," I yelled

"It seems you are in no position to make any demands, Draco. Tell me what you are doing in my room, next to my bed and just maybe I will consider letting you go."

I tried to think of some plausible excuse, but my mind was barely functioning with your body on top of mine.

"It was a bet," I stammered. "A stupid bet that I couldn't sneak in to the Gryffindor dorms and hex the boy who lived!" Oh, how lame that sounded! My Slytherin wit was failing me, and I could feel myself sinking.

"You are a liar, Malfoy! Did you really think I would fall for that pathetic excuse? Now tell me the truth!"

I laid there and weighed my options. Either I told you the truth or I was forced to sit here trapped beneath you on your bed. Neither option was very appealing, and in my heart I knew the time had come to tell you.

I looked into your eyes and sighed. "Do you really want to know, Harry?" The use of your first name caught you off guard, and I saw the tension in your face ease just a little.

"Yes, Draco. I want to know."

"I came in here to watch you sleep."

"Why would you want to watch me sleep? I was under the impression that you didn't want anything else to do with me."

"I don't! I mean I do. Fuck, Harry." Words escaped me, and the only thing I could think of was to reach up and capture your lips with my own. You seemed startled at first, but then you returned the kiss. It was you who pulled back first a look of disgust in your eyes.

"You can't just kiss me and things are all better, Draco! Do have any idea of the hell you have put me through? First you want me, then you walk away and break my heart. I can't be with you like this! I am in love with you, Draco. I can't..." You trailed off and looked away from me.

"Harry, look at me," I said as I ran my fingers over your face. "Please." You turned towards me, and my heart broke when I saw the hurt in your eyes. I knew I was the cause of your pain, and I felt the guilt wash over me.

"Harry, I do want to be with you. I love you more than any words could ever express. I don't expect to be forgiven for the things I have done, but I will explain to you why I did them. I wanted to keep you safe, Harry. The only way I knew how was to push you away. I can handle my father, I can handle the Dark Lord, but I could never handle losing you. I am so scared, Harry."

"Do you think you are the only one that is afraid, Draco? I am so afraid that I feel like I am losing my mind. Everything terrifies me. I am afraid of the fucking war and all the damage it will inflict. I am afraid of what they expect of me and how the whole world depends on my victory. Most of all I am afraid that I am not strong enough to save you, and in the end I will fail you like I failed Sirius."

"Harry you could never.."

"Don't Draco. I am not done. I need to say this, to get it out." You took a deep breath, looked away and then looked back to face me.

"All my life I have lived in a nightmare. During the day I lived in fear of falling asleep, at night I dreaded waking up. It didn't matter how I tried to escape, I was always forced to live with those monsters that haunted me. I have seen things that would make the strongest person want to give up, let alone a 17-year-old boy. But in all the horror I have witnessed, I have never seen something as horrible as what I saw that day you let me out of your closet. The image of your body, and the things he did to you are forever burned into my mind. My heart broke that night, Draco. It broke for you. To see one of the strongest people I have ever met, lying on the floor covered in their own blood was a sight that shattered my very soul. Then to have you send me away made the pain that much worse. I am not a hero, Draco. I don't want to save the world or die in some blaze of glory. All I want is to save you. I didn't know what love was until that day you kissed me. If you can't let me help you Draco, then I can't stay with you. I can't watch you suffer, and stand by and do nothing. You are strong, and you have never once asked for help I bet in your whole life. You knew that if you did no one would come . Things have changed now, I am here for you Draco all the way to the end. I feel so scared when I am alone, but with you I do not fear. Trust me, Draco. Let me help you, let me love you. Together we can fight your father, Voldemort, and most importantly the nightmares that have haunted us."

Those words shook my very soul. The vibrated through me, around me, and in me. Never had anyone cared enough to help, never had anyone suffered because of my pain. Here was the great Harry Potter, looking down with so much love in his eyes it was blinding. He gave me the strength to believe with his words, the courage to defy my destiny.

"Harry," My voice was nothing more than a whisper. "Help me."

The weight of your body dropped onto mine, and your lips caught mine in a fierce declaration of love. You worshiped me with your kiss, offering your protection, pledging your support. Our battles became merged into one, and we would fight them together, hand in hand, sword to sword. We would defy our destinies, and together we would go to the edge of it all.