Going Under: The Journal of Draco Malfoy

Chapter 5

January 1, 2:05 am

"Let me in, Draco, it's me."

"Harry?" My voice filled with disbelief and wonder.

"Draco, it's fucking freezing out here! Let me in!"

"Oh, sorry," I said as I unlatched my window. "Harry, what the hell are you doing here? How did you find me?" I asked as you climbed into my room.

"Well, for starters, dying from frostbite, and trust me, finding you wasn't that hard. But I didn't come here for small talk; I came here to beat the living shit out of you! You LEFT me, Malfoy! No note, no goodbye just waking up and finding you gone! I should have known better than to trust a Malfoy. You probably had the whole thing planned from the very start! Convince me to admit to wanting you, fool around a bit, and then just disappear with great stories to tell your friends about how you screwed over the boy who lived! I was so angry with you, Draco! Then I saw you in the village and I was just about to come over and kick your ass when I saw your father hit you. I swear, Draco; if you had not left as quickly as you did I would have killed him! Walked right over and hit your father with the death curse. I wouldn't have felt bad about it either! He HIT you! He has no fucking right to touch you!"

"Harry, I am so sorry, I had to leave....I ..." I never got to finish my sentence because you had your lips pressed upon mine so hard I could barely breathe. All the rage hurt, and desire you felt were mingling in mouth as you forced your tongue inside me. God, how I missed you! I didn't care you were punishing me with your kiss. All I wanted was to drown in the moment. As quick as the kiss began, it was over, and you drew away from me and slipped back into the shadows.

"I hate you, Malfoy. I hate you for making me feel this way. For making me want you. For being nothing but your joke."

"Is that what you think? This whole thing has been a joke? You were never my joke, Harry, never! I just thought leaving with out saying anything was the best way! I was trying to protect you. My father asked me to be home for Christmas, and I knew I couldn't tell him no. You saw him, Harry; you now know what he is like. If he ever found out about us, he'd kill you! I was trying to keep you safe. All I want if for you to be safe." The words rushed out of me like of great breath of air I felt like I had been holding in for years. Your eyes searched mine to see if I was telling the truth, and I tried so hard to prove to you that I was.

"Why do you let him hurt you, Draco?" you questioned as you stepped from the shadows. "Why don't you stop him or tell someone? He has no right to hurt you."

"He has every right," I whisper. I see the look of shock in your eyes but I force myself to continue. "I am a failure, Harry. Not strong, but weak in every way. I have believed that I had to be punished because of my failure. My failure to stop him from hitting my mother. My failure at not being able to stop him from hitting me or putting his hands on my body in a touch that no father should do to his son." I watched the horror dawn on your face as you realized what my words meant. Yet I still continued, the floodgates opening, spilling my darkest thoughts and memories. "I am weak, Harry. I am weak for I cannot stop him. In the end I won't even be able to stop him from killing you, the only person who I have ever loved. He is smart. He will figure things out, Harry. There will be no way to stop him, but I swear to you I will try. All these years I have never broke, though there were so many times I wanted to. If he hurt you or handed you to Voldermort so that he could hurt you I would break. If I lost you I would shatter, Harry. I am so afraid that I will fail you. He has every right if it stops him from hurting you." The words poured out my mouth, my heart lying there exposed for you to see. I feared your reaction. I feared my own reaction. Knowing the strong confident Draco Malfoy had just crumbled into ashes at your feet.

"Draco, I never knew. Oh God..."

I braced myself for the rejection, the disgust. How could you ever want to touch me again? I was corrupted. Dirty. I sank my eyes down towards the floor, waiting. I never saw you advance towards me. You wrapped your arms around me and held me. I broke in that moment, everything poured out and my knees buckled. You held me strong against you and never let me fall.

"Draco, don't believe it. You are not weak. You are the strongest person I have ever met," you whispered in my ear. "You have survived all his torture and pain. You are still here. I would have never lasted, Draco. You did. I am not the hero, you are. You are the great Draco Malfoy, my hero."

The honesty of your words melted into me, into my soul. I felt it down to the very core of who I am. I had hope again. Harry Potter doesn't lie. I could believe you. All that mattered was that you thought I was strong and I have faith I now can be strong for you. You didn't say you loved me, you didn't have to. The way you felt about me was wrapped all around me; in your arms. In your touch. In your voice. You pulled away from me and kissed my tear stained cheeks. Your mouth trailed all over my face finaly settling on my lips. So gentle at first but when I responed the kiss became more passionate, hungry. That night in the bathroom was the only time we had gone that far. Anger makes you cross lines and when the anger faded we became self-conscious. We had kissed and touched each other but never so boldly as that night. I felt your hand slip under my shirt and your fingers brushed my skin. I returnend the touch, sliding my hand to feel your smooth skin. I wanted this. I wanted you. The kiss became more intense, and before we knew it we were stripped of all clothes except our boxers. You pushed me gently on the bed, and I when you realized what you had done I saw the uncertainty in your eyes.

"Draco, we should stop. I don't want to push you or hurt you. After all you have been through it wouldn't be right."

"Your touch is the only thing that is right in my world, Harry. I want this. I need this. Please.." my breath was coming in ragged gasps as I shifted against you to prove my words.

"Okay, but I want you to be control," you said as you rolled so that I was now on top.

"Harry, I don't know how.." I stammered

"You think I do? We will figure it out. All that matters it that you feel okay. I want this to be yours, Draco."

"I will hurt you, I can't hurt you."

"Go slow," was all you said and you reached up and kissed me. Kisses became touches and before I knew it I was inside of you, moving slowly and carefully. You felt so good and warm. It was like coming home. I locked eyes with you in that moment and I knew you felt the same way, desire stormed in your green eyes and you whimpered with each thrust.

"Draco, don't stop..Please don't," The rest of your words lost as I watched pleasure crash over you. I came an instant later, mesmerized by your gift to me.

"Thank you," was all I could manage as we fought the sleep that came to claim us.

"You're welcome," you whispered, and we drifted off still tangled in each other's arms.

January 1, 5:30 am

Dawn is just beginning to break as I lie here and write this. The cold winter's sun is pouring through my window, creating a halo around you. If I weren't awake writing this I would think that this was all a dream. I can't believe I have a sleeping Harry Potter in my bed! Do you know you snore, Harry? I bet Ron has never dared to tell you! You do look like an angel though all calm and peaceful. I have heard that you have nightmares but it seems as if I kept them away tonight. I hope I can keep them away every night. Hope is strong in my heart, but as the daylight begins to stream in I am filled with a sense of dread as well. I charmed the door locked as soon I as awoke, but I know that would never keep my father out if he wanted in. Sunlight seems so cruel to us while in the moonlight we can truly be free. I don't know what I am going to do with you in the harsh light of morning, but I am going to try and not worry about that now. I just want to enjoy you in my bed, in my soul. Fatigue is sinking in to my bones, and as much as I would love to just watch you sleep, I fear I must close my eyes. I know sweet dreams will find us both.