Going Under: The Journal of Draco Malfoy

Going under: Chapter 4

December 12

I got a letter today ; it was from him. The hope that had begun to spread through my body was frozen in its tracks. He wants me home for Christmas, and he always gets what he wants. I wish that I had the strength to tell him no, to defy him and spend my Christmas with you. But I can't stay, Harry, he can't know about us not now, not ever. I could never forgive myself if he hurt you because me, and he could Harry. I know you believe that you are safe, that we are safe. We are never safe. Thrust into a world that didn't want us, we hungered for safety and shelter. The people that should have kept us safe were the ones that caused us pain. We both were taught young that no one was going to come when we cried for help, no one was going to hold us and rock us in their arms. Now in the cold winter nights when I creep out to meet you, safety feels so close. In your arms I feel it, but in the harsh light of the morning, reality sets in, and I know that safety is all an illusion. We can never be safe from our pasts, or the destinies that will come to claim us. My destiny is calling, Harry. I have no choice but to listen.

December 24

I will spend my Christmas Eve lying in my satin sheets, stained with my blood. All I did was say one thing wrong at dinner and I had to be punished. Every time the whip cracked, I thought of you. The way your eyes turned into pools of jade because of my touch. The way you would whisper my name like a prayer when my lips would find that sensitive spot behind your ear. The way you would tell me I was beautiful and I could almost believe that is was true. The way your arms would hold me and make me feel safe. Even if it all was just an illusion, it is one that I want back. I need you, Harry. To hold me, to touch me, to cling to as this storm rages around me. The door cracks open and light pours onto my bloodied, trembling body. I know why he is here always the same routine. All I can do is close my eyes and image his touch is yours.

December 31 10:00 pm

I saw you today in the wizarding village near the manor. What the fuck are you thinking, Harry? If my father would have saw you it would have been all over! Why the hell do you have to play the hero? You are going to get yourself killed and I will be the one to carry the blame. You came here for me; I can't believe you came here for me. The anger dies in my veins as the reality of what I have just written sinks in. Do you see how you have changed me? I can't even stay mad at you anymore! I was so scared when I saw you and then when you turned and looked at me I remember the fear melting into longing and desire. I have missed you so much, Harry. How I have needed to look into those green eyes of yours. Like an angel answering my prayer I turned around and there you were. Father had brought me into the village to gather some "supplies" and I had the chance to sneak away to get you a Christmas present. There I was standing over looking at Qudditch supplies and I felt eyes staring at me. I glanced up to see that is was you, and my heart stopped. For a moment I didn't believe what I was seeing. How could you have found me? I knew in an instant what a fool I had been, leaving you with no note and just disappearing. I figured that was the best way to go but I see the error of my thinking. I should have known you would wonder what had happened to me, and come looking for me regardless of how stupid the notion. Now when I see your face the reality is all to clear. I needed to act quickly to get my father and myself away from here. If I didn't the hero in you would do something ever more stupid, like try to talk to me or worse touch me. It was daylight, Harry, and you were in my world. No one was there to protect you or save you except for me, the boy who didn't know how to be a savior. I did the only thing I could think of, I created a scene to draw my father's attention and displeasure. I knew what he would do when I did it, yet the only thing in my mind was to keep you safe. Besides I had been punished worse before. I saw your eyes when his hand cracked across my face and I could feel the rage radiate from you. You looked more beautiful in that moment than any other moment I had spent with you. To know that your rage was due to the fact that I was being hurt made the painful blow worth it. You where angry because an injustice was being done to me Draco Malfoy. I knew in that moment you cared for me, and my heart swelled with the love that I had for you for so long. I could have died right there, and I would have been happy. Happy is a interesting feeling. It has replaced the anger I starting writing this entry with. You are a stupid fucking hero, Harry, but you are my hero. I wouldn't want it any other way. Goodnight and may sweet dreams find both of us.

January 1^st 2:00 am

I sat up. Fear gripped me as I listened for the sound that had awakened me. My heart raced when I heard the tap, tap of the window glass. I hesitantly drew back the covers and placed my feet on the stone cold floor. I walked to the window and shock raced through my veins.

"Let me in Draco. It's me."