Going Under: The Journal of Draco Malfoy

NOVEMBER 28

When I went out to meet you, this was the last thing I ever expected. I had everything all planned. Dropping the letter for you to meet me into your lap at dinner, knowing that your curiosity would force you to come. Midnight rolled around and I sank into the darkness waiting for your arrival. You showed up 20 minutes late like you had been fighting yourself on whether to come or not. I have to admit I was getting a little worried. After all, the bathroom incident taught me that you were not as predictable as I had once thought. At the sound of your voice, I let out the breath I didn't even know I was holding.

"Malfoy?"

"Back to using our last names, Harry? After our last encounter I thought we had moved past all that. Guess not, huh? What was all that anyway, Potter? Get off and run or what? You know it is not nice to tie someone up, have your way with them and then just take off without the proper goodbye." As I said this I began to circle around him. The predator in me taking over.

"Draco, I.."

The use of my first name caught me off guard, and for just a moment I thought about turning back, but the images and the pain of that night begins to swirl around my head, and I knew justice had to be served.

"Silence. I didn't ask you here for you to do the talking. I am in charge this time around. Don't worry. When I am finished I won't forget to give you the proper goodbye." The smirk that danced upon my lips, and the look of determination made you take a step back, like you were preparing yourself for me to strike. I made my move before you could back away any further, and just like that day back in September I had the great Harry Potter pinned to a wall with my hand wrapped around his throat. Unlike that day, though, my fingers were curled around the front of your throat, and I was applying just enough pressure to make it hard for you to breathe. I heard your small gasps for air as you tried to take in enough to speak. The Draco that had wanted to hurt you so badly was screaming in my head to just tighten my grip, to make it impossible for you to hurt me ever again. I pushed back the thought, loosening my grip so that you could speak.

"Go ahead, Potter, make your last confession. I would love to hear you beg but I know that the great Harry Potter won't humble himself for his life. So go ahead and go out the fucking hero everyone knows you are. Fight for me, Harry; make your death a story that will be admired. Although I think that your pathetic followers will be disappointed that you didn't die at the hands of Voldermort in some epic battle. But then again you will have died from the hands of a death eater's son, close enough I imagine. You will be remembered a Hero, and I a murderer. Our destinies will have been fulfilled." I stared into the eyes that had haunted me for years. Fear flickered across them and faded. The light in your eyes faded with your fear, and I had to lean in to hear your whisper.

"Do it, Draco. I would rather die by your hands than by Voldermort's wand. End it and give me peace."

You relaxed, closed your eyes and waited. My mind went blank. This was not how things were supposed to happen! How could you just give up like that? You the Hero, the wonderful Harry Potter. Didn't you already have peace? Peace knowing that millions of people loved you, worshiped you, and that you could do no wrong? Peace that you had friends who cared for you and a headmaster who adored you? You had all the glory how could you not want that? I looked into your eyes to see if you were bluffing. I knew you too well after all these years to know that you were not. Those beautiful eyes, the ones that had held so much life now were dull. They pleaded for me to end it, end the pain. Pain. Harry Potter in pain? My world shifted beneath me as everything began to sink in. I released you and sank to the floor. Pain, something I have known so well was something you also knew as well. A thousand questions sprang into my head. Who had hurt you? Why after all these years had I failed to see something so obvious? The answer to that came so forcefully into my head that it hurt. I had never bothered to look. Not close enough it would seem. I had spent so much thinking about Harry the Hero that I had not bothered to see Harry the boy. I had done to you the same thing you had done to me. I couldn't hurt you now, not knowing if there stood a chance for me to get to know the real you. The one behind all the glory and worship. But would you let me?

"Get up, Malfoy, and finish what you started. End it now!"

" I..I can't! Don't you see everything has changed!"

"Not from my perspective it hasn't. I don't see why killing me is so hard, not after all those years of hating me. It would figure the one thing I want you to do, am counting on you to do, and you can't! Well, I don't fucking care what you want! You are going to stand up, put your hands around my throat and choke me like you mean it! "

"You can't be serious, Potter! Why do you want to die so bad anyway? I mean life has been a fucking merry- go round of fun for you!"

"What, you think my life has been fun?"

"Better than mine, Potter! Okay so I will admit that having your parents' die and being chased by an evil wizard kind of sucks, but you are loved by millions, respected, cared for. You can do no wrong! The Golden boy, the one that will always be good enough!"

"You think I wanted all that, Malfoy? I would trade all of that for what you have! A home, a family, a place to belong! Your life is perfect aside from the fact that your father is a death eater, but at least you have grown up knowing what you were to become. I got thrust into a life I didn't ask for nor want. You have had your place all along,"

" Oh, sure I have had a place! A place where I was never good enough! Where I was whipped just so I never forgot just how worthless I was as a son. Where my mother screamed, and my father was a god that no one dared to defy! I didn't live in a home nor did I have a family. I was in a prison with a monster who called himself my father."

I watched your face fall as things began to sink in. The truth had come out in a rush of fury and you collapsed onto the floor next to me.

" I didn't know, Draco, I'm sorry."

" Me too."

" If it makes you feel better I lived in a cupboard with a aunt and uncle who thought I was their slave. A freak that didn't deserve to live."

" Well aren't' we both fucked up?" The craziness of the situation began to sink in and laughter started to spill out.

"What? What is so funny?"

"Us. That's what. Look at the death eater reject, the fallen Hero! Both believing the other one had it so nice and easy. What a pair we make don't you think?" My laughter began to increase and I watched as the reality of the situation dawned on you, you began to laugh too. We collapsed into a fit of giggles. The tension in the air melting away.

When the laughter died we both looked at each other and the words seemed to escape us.

" Harry I.."

" Draco I.."

What do you say when the person that had been your enemy has just revealed their secrets? When their masks have dropped, and all that is left is their raw soul? Maybe you don't need any words at all. Maybe all you need is look and feel. I held up my hand and spread my fingers. Hesitantly you raised your own and flattened it against mine. They were a perfect match. You raised your other hand placed it under my robes so that is rested on my heart. I did the same. They beat in perfect unison.

"We match," you said in amazement as tears spilled down your cheeks. " Who knew?"

" I did," I said as I pulled you into me. I brushed my lips against yours and I was surprised when you kissed back. I became more aggressive wanting to steal your breath from your body. The kiss turned hard and dominating. I pinned you to the floor and settled myself on top. I began to brush light kisses down your face, your neck and your collarbone. You made little gasps of pleasure when I moved lower. Something inside me made me stop just when I got the edge of your jeans. I wanted you but I also wanted to go slow. You made a sigh of disappointment when I stopped and pulled you to your feet. Your face was flushed and damp from the tears. I buttoned your shirt and wiped away the remaining wetness from your cheeks. I kissed your scar and pulled away.

"Where...where does this leave us?" you asked in a shaky voice.

" Don't know I guess, maybe at the beginning of something new?" I leaned in and kissed you one more time, knowing that this time I had stolen your breath away. I pulled back a few steps and said, " I told you I knew how say the proper goodbye," and with that I disappeared from sight.

Once again my attention was brought back to the music as the memory faded in my mind. The lyrics seemed so fitting for tonight. I lay back against my pillow and let the hope burn it's path across my skin and melt my soul. Tonight the demons in my head have stopped, and all that is left is the sound of your voice and the sweet music intertwined into one.