Going Under: The Journal of Draco Malfoy

OCTOBER 31^st

Halloween. Night of the masked ball. Every one will be pretending to be someone else, and I too will be someone else tonight. Someone who craves the limelight, who enjoys the company of his house. Tonight I will be the great Draco Malfoy again. Powerful, in control and ignoring you. Tonight you will not haunt me and I will feel again. Are you afraid? You should be, Harry. Here I come.

I strolled to the dance with Pansy Parkinson on my arm. God, I thought I was going to kill myself listening to her endless ass kissing! All I wanted was for this night to be over and to slip into the shadows again, but alas, one must keep up pretenses right, Harry? I entered the ballroom and found my housemates gathered in a dark corner. Pansy dragged me by the arm to join them, and I leaned against the cool stone wall. I tried to avoid the conversation, absently nodding my head back and forth at the appropriate times. About 5 minutes later I found myself about to die from boredom so I excused myself to go the bathroom. I had to pry Pansy's fingers from my arm as I turned to head out the door. I thought I heard footsteps behind me, fearing Pansy was following me I turned around to look behind me, but I saw no one there.

The bathroom was dark and I felt comforted by the shadows and darkness that lingered there. I stepped in front of the mirror and stared at my reflection. I traced the mask with my fingertips and wondered what really lied behind it. Who was I? Was I just the Draco that my destiny said I was? The Draco that was born to be a death eater? The Draco that had evil running through his veins? Was I just a monster that was trying to hide behind a mask of class, title, and name? After all my encounters with you I was beginning to think that maybe I was just that. A monster. But then I feel my heart beating and my love for you pumping through my veins and I begin to question myself. Could I be the Draco that was born to love you? The Draco that feels hope and pain mingled into one every time you walk by? The Draco that would die to save you, whose tears would mourn you if ever you left. These thoughts raced across my head and made me dizzy with their presence. I ripped off the mask, the desperate urge to see my face overcoming all other thoughts. I wanted to look into my eyes and find some answers to my questions, but I never got a chance. I heard the sound of someone stepping on broken glass and I turned around to face the one who dared to intrude on my private moment. I didn't even have time to scream as I was pinned against the wall and assaulted with demanding lips. I fought for a few seconds until a tongue was pushed into my mouth and I felt a sense of familiarity sink in. I could not help my moan of pleasure, but it was to be my biggest mistake as my intruder took it as a sign of weakness and used it to bind my hands above my head. After binding me, the person pulled away as if to admire their handy work.

"Who are you?" I questions as I struggled to catch my breath, "Take off your mask!" I screamed, desperately trying to regain control. But I felt control slipping away as my attacker smirked beneath his mask and countered my questions with his own.

"Well, aren't we demanding?" He questioned. Glancing up at my bound hands he replied with amusement laced in his voice, "It looks like you are in no position to demand anything right now."

" No more questions," was all I heard as lips forced they way onto mine again. I felt a hand find it's way under my robes to explore my body. It moved so gracefully over my skin, the way an artist strokes his canvas with a brush. I couldn't help but moan as lips followed the same path. Tasting my skin and marking it his property with gentle bites. I was high from the feeling of hot lips against cold skin and I only froze when I felt my pants being unzipped and felt a hand slip inside. Warm fingers met cool silk as they descended to feel all of me. They dipped beneath the black silk and desire and the fear of the unknown raged inside of me. I wanted to deny him, preserve a shred of my dignity but my body's pleasure at his brazen touch betrayed me. Any thought of fighting vanished the instant his hand started it's relentless attack. He knew he had me as my body responded to your touch.

"Tell me you want me," He whispered

I tried to resist, the Malfoy pride refusing to acknowledge the acceptance my traitorous body gave. The sudden stopping of all motion caused my pride to start to collapse. My body was demanding to be satisfied and I out right begged for him to continue. I heard the word please escape my lips, but the intruder would not begin again until he had crushed the remaining bits of my pride.

"Tell me what I want to hear," He said as he toyed with me.

"I want you," I whispered in defeat.

My intruder reacted to those words and ripped off his mask so I could see his face. My silver eyes pooled in disbelief, and my mind tried to grasp on to the reality as I stared into familiar green eyes. My mind screamed your name as your lips forced their way down upon mine again and you hand returned to continue your assault. Harder and faster you moved, and I was lost again to the sensation your hands and tongue were creating. I came screaming your name, Harry, and I think you came just upon hearing it. Power is the greatest aphrodisiac and you had just lost your soul to the rush it gives. Kissing me one last time, you pulled away.

"Was it as good for you as it was for me?" You taunted in my ear before you turned and walked out the door. Bound and defeated you left me there to taste the tears of humiliation that slipped down my cheeks. As the binding spell broke a few minutes latter I felt my knees give way as I fell to the floor. I caught myself with my hands and the glass from our masks sliced into my tender skin. So numb were my fingers from your binding that I didn't feel the pain. I just watched as my blood made red rivers flow from beneath my fingertips. I felt the fury begin to run through my veins the way my blood flowed through the cracks on the stone floor. I had left you alone since that day; didn't you know it was because I was sorry, Harry? I know I am not prefect, but tonight you crossed the line, you left me like a dog on fours that you had beaten into submission. I am a Malfoy, not a creature you can bind and humiliate. You will pay dearly for this, Harry. Draco's back.

NOVEMBER 5^th

I didn't know how I made it to my room that night without finding you and breaking that beautiful, taunting face of yours. Instead I have let my rage simmer just beneath the surface of my mask of indifference. Everyday I see you in potions, laughing with your friends like everything is the same. But you know as well as I do you changed the rules that night. Never have I been so angry with you. I feel the rage pumping through my veins, calling for revenge. But twisted into the rage, I feel my desire and love for you that I have held inside of myself for so long. I feel like I am going crazy: both emotions and two halves of myself fighting for control. Alone in my room, I can hear them. Two drawl-laced voices that argue in my head causing it ache from the screams. One Draco wants to hurt you. To bash your head against that bathroom wall where you held me. To make your blood flow like rivers down your soft skin until it mingles with my own blood still in the cracks. To be that monster in the dark, who hunts and destroys his prey. The other Draco wants to grab you and kiss you until our breath becomes one. To hear you say you are sorry for what you did and I would say sorry for what I have done. To bury the past that has haunted us for so long and allow us to just be together in a world that doesn't care what last name or title we have. To be the one who can just love you without shame. Back and forth the fighting rages until I believe I am going to die from the all the yelling. Day has turned into night, and things finally have gone quiet. As I lie here waiting for sleep to free me from my mind's prison, I find myself pulling the covers up to my chin, hiding in the dark from the demons that live inside my head.

NOVEMBER 15^th

The anger has been replaced by hurt and bitter memories. I choke on them as they rise in my throat and make my heart scream out in pain. Brought to the surface by your attack, my dark memories dance around my mind like the devil dancing in the pale moonlight. Years I have spent at the hands of the devil himself, my father. Everything I did was a mistake and the devil makes you pay for mistakes. I was too weak, never good enough for the man that thought that he was a god. Maybe he is. Only a god or a demon can hold a soul in their hands and crush it without remorse or thought. That is what he did to a little boy who never understood what he had done wrong. Whether he crushed it from me by physical pain, whipping my pale skin until it became red with blood, each jagged mark reminding me of my failure as his son. Or the times he chose to crush it by words alone, each word wielded like a knife that was used to slice through all my little boy hopes and dreams, or maybe it was the way he would recoil from my touch like I was a dirty little creature that repulsed him, or the way he would beat my mother until she screamed for mercy. The list could go on and on, each new torture worse than the one before. I never broke though. There were times I thought I was going to. When he would come to me at night and heal the damage he did to my body claiming I was too beautiful to have scars. When his touch crossed the line no father should ever cross. It was then I wanted to give up and shatter into millions of pieces. I held myself together and it took all my sanity to do so. I look back and I think that maybe I was just waiting for you. Waiting for you to take away the pain and to whisper that I was good enough while I lied in your arms. Instead you humiliated me and left me to cry tears of shame, just the way my father used too. Part of me understands those tears. I lived so long in that world of despair that I know my place in it well. I know how to respond to you, when you act like this, but I must retaliate to save my wounded pride and broken soul. My hero has let me down and treated me like the dirt my father always said I was. I wish that I could forget, but you made me believe that I deserved the pain you inflicted. I deserved pay back it's true but not in the way you gave it. You drove to the surface all those years of pain and shame, and if I let you go, I will break from the weight of it all. I can't break not after all those years of keeping things together. My love for you comes second to the need for my survival. To keep intact the last thread of sanity I posses. I have to finish this, for if I don't you will win and with your victory my father will succeed as well. He cannot win; Harry, and neither can you.