Going Under: The Journal of Draco Malfoy

GOING UNDER: THE JOURNAL OF DRACO MALFOY

SEPTEMBER 1^st

Back again at Hogwarts, 17, seventh year and I am preparing to receive the mark that is my destiny. Instead of worrying about that I lie here thinking of you. The hero of the wizarding world, the boy who fucking lived. I find myself wondering, why did you live Harry? Was it only to torrment me? Did you do it just to mock me and haunt my once pleasant dreams? I can remember the first day we met so clearly. I didn't know it was you that day so long ago, the one that was meant to destroy me from the inside out. To take my world and turn it upside down.

You walked into my world with your eyes filled with wonder. Like a little child you smiled shyly as I said hi and startd rambling on about racing brooms and other things that you knew nothing about. I remember you stared at me with interest as I talked, taking in everything I said. It was the first and only time you looked at me with interest and curiosity in your green eyes. You held no hatred for me then, just the same wonder you felt for everything else in your new world. That day has replayed in my head a million times and every time I remember the way your eyes changed from wonder to dislike and distrust. I regret losing that beautiful wonder, your eyes shifting from a dazzling emerald green to ones of dark swirling pools of jade. You wore your heart out on your sleeve even then. I mentioned Hagrid and spoke those first nasty words about class and pureblood privilege. I watched your face change and I believe somewhere inside of me knew that I had lost you. Even that thought could not distinguish the hope that lingered in my heart, the hope that lingers still. So when I saw you again now knowing just who you really were I extended my hand to you. You refused it of course not that I could blame you. It was the first insult of many I would throw at your perfect little friends.

I look back now and realize the error of my ways; those first few cruel words that made us bitter enemies. But you have to understand I was a Malfoy. I grew up believing that we were better than the people you call your best friends. In fact Harry I had no choice in the matter. Hatred was forced down my throat from the day I was born, as were pain and fear. I was born with expectations, expectations I could never quite live up to and for that I was punished. I spent my life looking for an escape and when I looked into your eyes and saw the kindness that lingered there I found myself longing to hide myself in that green, safe shelter. But I had never been taught how to approach kindness, never given the right words to express anything other than hate and cruelty. I played the model Malfoy beautifully spitting out all I had been taught to say. If you were to listen to me now you'd find that I know many more things then just the ones that were drilled into my head. But you never look or listen that closely. I have tried, you know, to get you to look beyond the words that were coming out of my mouth to see instead those that radiate from my soul. All you would have to do is step in just a little closer, take a deeper look into my sliver eyes and you would see things that might make you believe. Believe that I am worth getting to know, that I am worth saving. But in the end I know that I ruined my chances for that on that fateful first meeting. So now I lie awake knowing that I am condemned. Not just by my father, my name, and the dark lord who wants to own me but by the greatest sentence possible love of thy enemy.

SEPTEMBER 20

I ran into you yesterday. I have spent the first few weeks trying to avoid you, pretty hard since we have potions class together but in my head I thought I was doing a good job until yesterday. I was late, running to Transfiguration and I ran into you, literally. I rounded a corner to fast and slammed right into you, knocking you down. It took a moment to realize who you were and when I finally came to my senses desire flooded through me. Right in that instant I had you where I had always wanted you, beneath me. To own you like you own me. The spell broke seconds later when you looked at me with those familiar green eyes filled with disgust.

"Get the fuck off Malfoy" You yelled as your hands pushed me off.

"Watch where the hell you are going next time!"

I watched you brush off your robes like you were trying to wipe my filthy, disgusting touch from your precious self. The familiar feeling of rejection and anger welled up inside and that gesture caused the rage that had been building to explode. I had no time to stop myself as I grabbed you by the neck and shoulders and slammed you against the stone wall. I saw your head crash into the wall and I felt the blood begin to trickle down onto my hand that held you around your neck. I watched as the pain flickered in your eyes and the fear began to set in. Now I had you, the great Harry Potter in my hands. You didn't try to fight back which is very untypical of you. Maybe you could sense my rage and thought against it. I pushed my whole body into yours and pinned you to the wall so hard my knuckles were scraping against the stone. I drove my knee in-between your legs and flattened myself against your trembling body. I don't know what came over me as I slammed my lips down on yours. Maybe it was the smell of blood or the fact that you didn't try to fight me. Either way I found myself punishing your lips with my own. You didn't kiss back nor did you struggle, you just let me kiss you as my free hand found it's way under your robes to molest your body with my fingers. I stopped when I heard you whimper. I pulled back in horror and saw the look of pure terror in your eyes. I tried to say I was sorry but the words that came out were, watch where you are going next time Potter or I will have to punish you again. With those words you turned and fled. If you had looked back you would have seen me crumble to the ground, head in my hands as the tears of shame splashed down my cheeks. Believe me Harry I never wanted to hurt you. I wanted to kiss you and make you see me but never like that. I found my way to my dorm on shaky legs. Collapsed upon my bed I lay waiting for the door to burst open and to be dragged to my fate. I knew that I probably would be expelled and I believed that would not have been severe enough of! a punishment for what I did. I waited and waited but no one ever came.

This morning you were in class and I could see the bruise on the back of your neck. Why didn't you tell on me? Maybe you were too ashamed, which you shouldn't be, I am the one who violated you. I want you to tell Harry, do you hear me? You need to stop me for I cannot stop myself. Be the hero you always are and rid Hogwarts of Draco Malfoy. Take me down, take me out, curse me and send me to the hell I belong. But through your silence I know that you inflict the harshest punishment of all, forcing me to see you everyday and making me live with the knowledge of what I did. You will have your revenge even if you never know it.

OCTOBER 16

We have not spoken since that day. No insults, no punishing words. I walk by you like you are not there and you do the same. We have come to a quiet agreement, neither one of us wanting to acknowledge that day. I have slipped into the shadows, not even caring that the Malfoy name demands to be in the light. I wish I could just fade away into darkness, pass into the blackness that lives in my soul. I will receive the Dark Mark after graduation and I find myself wanting to get it sooner. I want the dark mark burned into my skin so that it is an outside reflection of the darkness that lives on the inside of me. I will become what you always thought I would be. A Death eater bent on your destruction. But is not your destruction I will be seeking it is my own. I will be a servant to the Dark Lord himself so that in the end you will be able to kill me with no guilt on your hands. I never could figure out why you didn't retaliate especially after what I did to you. This will give you the chance to face me and pay me back for all of my sins against you. I will be on the wrong side and you will have no choice but to destroy me. There is another way to punish myself and seek absolution. Do you know that the Dark Lord has always wanted me Harry? He wants me in the way I want you. I see the way he looks at me as if he wants to push himself inside of me and break me. I have saved myself for you, clinging to the hope you would love me. Hope no longer exists after what I did to you that day . I have decided not to fight and let him have me. I will give myself over to him, let him hurt me, own me and violate me the way I violated you. I figure it is the least I can do after what I did. I deserve the path that lies ahead of me and I embrace it hoping for redemption.