Flour Babies

A/N: Well, this is the first chapter to be written after Deathly Hallows... which, I will add, was a satisfactory finish to the decade of Harry Potter. Unfortunately, that means that way fewer people will be reading this fic... ah, well. Anyways, I have to give loads of thanks to Hannah, who fills the position of Pesterer--a position integral to the conclusion of any stories longer than ten pages. ;P Gracias, Ana.

For those of you more interested in my writing than in my acknowledgements: here be Chapter Five, full of snide remarks, girls crying of overworked nerves, and Neville's dysfunctional offspring. Enjoy!

Chapter Five: Potions, Perambulators, and Reginald

Friday dawned clear and bright, and the sleepless members of the sixth-year Gryffindor boys dormitory began counting down until Monday, when they would finally resume normal sleep patterns. Breakfast was a subdued affair; not even while studying for O.W.L.s had the students been this exhausted.

"I'm never having kids," Seamus muttered, swinging into a seat beside the unusually quiet Ron and Hermione. "I can't even take a week of pretend ones."

Harry, sitting across the table, yawned and shoveled eggs onto his plate. "Oh, it's not so bad," he began, but a hard look from Ron silenced him.

"Harry, you forgot the diaper bag." Ron's glare shifted to rest on his newly-arrived sister. "Oh, Ron, stop it."

Ginny slipped beside Harry on the bench--obviously a little closer than her brother deemed necessary, because Ron looked ready to jump at the pair of them until Hermione rested a hand on his arm. "Let it rest, Ron."

The effect was immediate. Ron sat straight in his seat and returned his attention to the meal at hand.

"You didn't have any problem with it yesterday," Hermione murmured.

"Well, I've thought about it some more since yesterday, yeah?"

"You're just grumpy because you haven't been sleeping," Ginny scoffed.

A commotion drew the foursome's attention from their bickering to a scene down the table. Neville had lept from his chair in fright, and was desperately thumbing through his pamphlet as the flour baby in front of his belched purple fireworks.

"What the--" Seamus swore.

"Somebody help!" Neville panicked, accidentally ripping a page from his pamphlet in panic. "I don't--Reginald never--"

A blonde-haired figure waltzed up beside Neville. Luna scooped the fire-spitting child onto her shoulder and fluttered a hand at her partner. Crooning, she waltzed from the Great Hall. A still-panicked Neville gave one last worried look at his fellow Gryffindors and hurried after them.

The Gryffindors sat in silence until Seamus spoke. "What was that?"

Lavender, who had arrived in her seat beside Seamus only seconds before the fireworks, grabbed his arm in a white-knuckled vise and shoved her blue-swaddled flour baby in his face with her free hand. "Seamus, what if it happens to Mimsy?"

"Er..."

She practically sobbed into the front of Seamus' robes, eliciting several pairs of raised eyebrows and causing an embarrassed Seamus to excuse them from the table. She hurried beside him, clutching his robes and her baby, to vague "there, there" sounds and pats on the back from her partner.

At the table, Ron looked distinctly more awake. He had scooted away from Hermione and was eyeing her nervously.

"Stop that," she scolded. "Honestly." She glanced at her watch and gasped. "Oh, my! Hurry! We'll be late for Potions!"

Alarmed, Harry, Ron, and Hermione finished breakfast at lightning speed and sprinted down the halls to the dungeons. Even Harry had his baby this time; he hadn't had time to pass her on to Parvati, and Ginny had class, too.

"Well, well," Professor Snape sneered as they scooted into their seats moments before the bell. "Look what the stork dragged in."

Slytherins snickered, and the Gryffindors did their best not to betray embarrassment.

"Open your books to page sixty-four--"

The classroom door burst open, and Neville tumbled in. Up close, it was obvious that he had not escaped Reginald's pyrotechnics unscathed. The purple fireworks had singed tiny holes in his robes, and soot smudged his round face. Reginald, apparently back to normal, bounced along behind him in a papoose-like contraption most probably created by Luna. It was electric blue with colorful rabbit-shaped polka-dots. Harry winced at the riot of color.

"Detention, Longbottom," Snape said lazily.

"Sorry, Professor, my--I--"

"Just sit down, Neville," Hermione muttered to herself. "You're just going to get in trouble if you make excuses..."

"You what, Longbottom?" Snape asked irritably. "Never mind. Take your seat."

Neville slid into the only empty desk--right next to Draco Malfoy. Malfoy flashed Harry, Ron, and Hermione an evil grin.

"Uh-oh," Harry murmured.

Snape continued with the lesson. "Today you will be brewing a Growth Potion. Variants of this potion are most common in the Healing arts, and have a variety of applications." He opened the ingredients cupboard and set the appropriate components on the front desk. "Read the instructions carefully. A sample will be due at the end of class. You may begin."

Hermione immediately began rummaging through her things and carefully perusing her instructions. Ron sighed and moodily flipped through the pages of his text.

"Come on, Ron, don't dawdle," Hermione chided, pulling out her scales and tapping a vial of dried lacewing into one of its basins.

Ron rolled his eyes in Harry's direction and grudgingly pulled out his instruments. Thirty minutes of subdued work followed, while Ron and the rest of the class muddled through the instructions for a proper Growth Potion. Harry and Ron exchanged whispered jokes as they measured, diced, and stirred, eliciting the occasional snort from Hermione and the occasional glare from the potions master.

"I'm finished," Hermione finally said to the boys, drawing a vial of her shimmering turquoise potion. As she reached for the cork, a wail from Neville's direction caused a stir through the class.

"Reginald? Reginald? Reginald! Not again!"

The papoose on Neville's back was rapidly expanding, rather like a balloon being inflated from a helium pump. Neville struggled to untie the straps that bound the papoose to his back, and finally Dean Thomas took pity on him and reached over to help. Once free, the flour sack began to float toward the ceiling.

"Reginald..." Neville moaned, trying in vain to keep the monster on the ground.

"Professor, is there anything you can do?" Hermione asked, a little desperately.

Snape glared coldly at her. "Longbottom, take that thing to Madam Pomfrey. See if she can manage it."

"But Professor, isn't there a... a Shrinking Potion or something?" Hermione piped up.

"Five points from Gryffindor, Miss Granger," Snape said quietly. "Don't meddle in others' business. Tsk, tsk, tsk."

From behind Neville, Ron and Harry could see Malfoy practically giggling with glee, a half-empty vial of turquoise potion in his hand. Both boys glared.

Neville stood and wrestled his flour baby, now nearly twice the size of Neville himself, to the dungeon door. He had some difficulty getting into the hallway, but with the aid of Dean Thomas and a dark-haired Slytherin from the back row he managed to squeeze Reginald through the door and began his trek to the Hospital Wing.

"Ten minutes remaining," Snape said lazily. The remainder of the class hurriedly returned to finishing their Growth Potions.

When the bell rang, Hermione stood.

"I think I'll take Neville's books, then," she said, looking toward his vacated seat. "He seems to have left them." She deposited her own supplies in her bag and went to gather Neville's things.

"Nice pram, Granger," Malfoy said lazily as Hermione picked up Neville's scales and textbook.

Hermione tried valiantly to ignore him and headed for the dungeon door.

"Shame that you'll only be able to use it for a few more days... I'm sure Weasley would love to hang onto it. It's got 'future savings' written all over." He followed her into the corridor.

Ron hurried up behind them. Malfoy, catching sight of the redhead, made a great show of 'examining' Hermione from several angles, circling and taking what appeared to be a very complete anatomical inventory. Hermione looked appalled and somewhat frightened, and pulled her robes closer around herself.

"What are you doing, Malfoy?" Ron snarled. He grabbed Hermione's arm and pulled her toward himself.

"Oh, nothing," Malfoy said nonchalantly, his eyes full of haughty malice. "Just checking."

Ron rose to the bait. "Checking what?"

"Ron..." Hermione said nervously, looking between him and the blonde boy opposite. Ron ignored her.

"Checking to see if you'd decided to start a more permanent nursery." With a final smirk, he brushed past them and continued down the hallway.

Both Ron and Hermione stared, openmouthed, as he sauntered away. They separated slowly as Harry approached with the overloaded pram.

"Thanks for letting me stick mine in with yours, the pram is really handy--" he began, but stopped when Hermione whimpered. "What is it?" He looked at Ron in consternation; his friend was livid and shaking with rage.

"The low-down scumbag...." Ron rattled off a litany of unpleasantries in Malfoy's direction.

"What did he do?" Harry asked, pausing in the corridor. Irritated shouts from fellow students forced him to move to the side of the hallway so the rest of the class could push past in the rush for their next classes.

Hermione shook her head and Ron, still muttering, escorted her down the hallway, leaving Harry with three flour babies and only two minutes to get to his next lesson.

"Hey! Wait for me!"

*

Ron didn't appear for Transfiguration, and Hermione came in late with a note from the Hospital Wing. Despite Harry's repeated attempts to catch her attention throughout McGonagall's lecture, Hermione hung on to the professor's words as if to a lifeline.

"Hermione, where's Ron?" Harry finally hissed.

"Mr. Potter!" Professor McGonagall shrilled. "Pay attention!"

The eagle-eyed professor kept watch over him for the rest of the class, and Harry had no further chance to discover the whereabouts of Ron. When the bell rang, he quickly accosted Hermione and shoved the twin-full pram at her.

"You can go run off, suit yourself," Harry said irritably. "Leave me in the dark, whatever. Just take those things. I don't want to deal with all that."

"I'm sorry, Harry, Ron's a little..." Hermione trailed off. She looked very anxious. "I'll talk to you later, Harry. Thanks for taking them," she added hastily as Ginny wove through the throng in the crowded hallway, claiming Harry and Calendula and marching them toward the Great Hall for lunch.

*

Hermione found Ron in a huddle with Neville and Reginald in the Gryffindor common room. "Well, I think Reginald is back to normal size, but now he's all purple and he glitters," Neville was saying to Ron, who appeared to have just arrived.

"Hermione can probably fix it," Ron began. "Hey--" he said as he noticed his partner. "Er..."

"I took notes for you, Ron," Hermione said, holding out a small roll of parchment.

"Thanks." He looked calmer than he had when she left him, but he had yet to reach the "placid" mark. "I'm going to kill that git."

"Please don't." Before Ron could respond, she turned to Neville and Luna. "How's Reginald?"

Neville sighed. "Madam Pomfrey got him back to normal size, but said she couldn't do anything about the color. We thought maybe you could help."

"I can try--" Mehitabel started to whimper. Suddenly, Hermione felt very tired. "Just give me a minute..."

"Hermione!"

Ron caught her just before she hit the floor.

__

A/N: I got the idea for Growth Potions from Skele-Gro. Reviews make me smile!