Remedial History

Chapter Ten: "You Remind Me of Him"

Theo was breathless by the time he arrived at the History of Magic classroom, which was at the other end of the school from the library and up several flights of stairs, but he was pleased to see he'd arrived before Nearly Headless Nick. Wanting to return Hermione Granger's cloak, he slid into a seat on the Gryffindor side of the room next to Harry and Neville. It was only when he heard Crabbe and Goyle muttering on the other side of the classroom that he realized this might have been a grave mistake.

Neville gave him a concerned look. "Are you all right?"

"Not really, but I'll tell you about it later. Um, you remember how you said you wanted me to meet Professor Lupin in Hogsmeade? I'll do it."

"Good deal," whispered Neville as Nearly Headless Nick drifted into the room. "Saturday afternoon, five o'clock, at the Three Broomsticks. OK?"

Almost as soon as he spoke, Theo regretted his hasty decision. He felt suddenly that he had one or two good reasons for being reluctant to trust Lupin, reasons which had nothing to do with the fact that his former professor was a werewolf.

The questions on his exam paper seemed to swim before his eyes.

A famous Muggle writer once said that those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it. On the other hand, many historians believe that there can be no repetition - every set of historical circumstances is unique. Which do you agree with, and why? Explain and give examples.

Afterward, he was never able to recall what he wrote in response to that question, although it must have been somewhat coherent because he scraped an Acceptable on the exam. He did remember what he had been thinking about.

He thought of Professor Snape, and remembered what Luna Lovegood had said about distorted mirrors and people he knew in the past. It was unfair, he thought, for his Head of House to blame him for reminding him of somebody Theo had never met.

And he also recalled a couple of incidents from his third year. It occurred to him that Professor Lupin might have been seeing his students through a distorted lens as well.

* * *

The first few days after the boggart lesson were an awkward time for the third-year Slytherins. Professor Lupin's prohibition against discussing boggarts outside of class evidently didn't apply to the students from the other Houses. During the next few days, the school seemed to be filled with Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, and Hufflepuffs laughing and boasting about what they had done to the boggart, and everybody told and retold the story of how Neville Longbottom had taken it out by dressing Professor Snape in his grandmother's clothes, which Theo secretly found hilarious. Meanwhile, Theo's housemates had nothing to say. Draco filled the silence with snide, half-whispered remarks about the condition of Lupin's robes and his apparent state of health, and most of the other Slytherins - even Tracey - followed suit.

"They have to attack him because they can't admit he had them scared witless," said Blaise, and Theo was sure he was right. "I've got nothing against him myself. He teaches."

But strangely, Lupin didn't seem to favor Blaise as much as their other professors did. Theo noticed that he often ignored his friend's raised hand and called on Tracey or Millicent instead. And it was Theo who got called into his office one rainy afternoon at the beginning of October and offered a cup of tea.

"Did - did I do something wrong, sir?" Theo asked. Professors rarely singled him out for attention unless he had made a mistake. None of them had begun by inviting him in for tea before, but if Crabbe's story of his detention was anything to go by, Professor Lupin had a strange approach toward wrongdoers.

Lupin smiled. "No, not at all. It's just that I've been wanting to congratulate you for standing up to the boggart at the beginning of this term. You did extremely well."

"I didn't really," Theo confessed. "It was sort of an accident. I ... I couldn't make up my mind whether I was more afraid of Professor McGonagall or Hag - Professor Hagrid - or ghosts ... and I thought of my sister Medea a little, too ... so the boggart turned into all of them at once. I'm not really brave at all, and ... and you shouldn't have given me all those points."

Professors weren't supposed to look at you like that. He clearly wasn't angry, and yet the sight of Theo seemed to cause him pain. He said at last, in a slightly choked voice, "Accidental courage is more than good enough, Theo. I believe the bravest people are the ones who stand firm when they are genuinely afraid, not the ones who lack fear in the first place."

"You sound just like the Sorting Hat," Theo blurted out, and instantly felt embarrassed. It wasn't very polite to compare a professor - even a shabby one - with a filthy old hat.

Luckily, Lupin didn't take offense. He was smiling again. "Took a while to sort you, did it?" Theo nodded. "It took forever with a friend of mine, too, I suppose because he could easily have fit into any of the houses. He was loyal, and patient, and brave, and also a determined student who worked very hard, and someone who dreamed of greatness. You remind me of him."

Theo felt uncomfortable. He wasn't sure he wanted his professor to expect him to live up to that. "What's your friend's name?"

"Peter."

"What's he doing now?"

"He was killed in the war, fighting against a traitor. A hero's death. He was awarded the Order of Merlin, First Class."

Theo was certain he didn't want to live up to that.

He'd felt like that before. He'd never had the courage to talk about it, but Professor Lupin was an easy person to talk to, somehow. He found himself blurting out, "Medea tells stories about the war heroes sometimes, and I think she wants me to grow up to be like them, but I don't think I'm that good and I ... sometimes I don't want to be. I mean, I'm sure Rosier and Wilkes and all of them were really brave and wonderful, but they're still dead." He thought of saying something about Lavinia as well, but that was too personal. "I'm afraid of dying," he admitted.

Professor Lupin, who had been refilling Theo's teacup, sloshed tea all over the saucer at the mention of Rosier and Wilkes. Theo felt like an idiot: of course, if he was teaching at Hogwarts he'd probably been on the other side of the war.

But he didn't condemn Theo either for having a family on the wrong side or for being a coward. "I'm sorry, that was tactless of me. My generation seems determined to remake yours in its image. It's a good thing you seem equally determined to resist that." He pushed back his chair and paced to the window and back. He walked, Theo realized, like a young man, although his hair was streaked with grey. "And most people are afraid to die. We're made that way for a reason. There isn't any shame in it."

Theo considered this. It might be true, but - "Pretty much the whole school was talking about the lessons with the boggart," he said. "And I didn't hear about anybody's boggart turning into death." He hoped this didn't make it sound like he was accusing a professor of lying.

"Some did, actually. Banshees, for instance, are death omens. Boggarts nearly always take the outward form of something visible and tangible, but often it represents something else."

Theo struggled to understand this. "Do you know what Blaise's boggart meant?"

A few frown lines had appeared on Lupin's forehead. "I do not. That style of house is common in Montreal, where he was born, but beyond that I haven't a clue. I was hoping you might be able to shed some light."

Theo shook his head. "He's my best friend, but he's much smarter than I am, so I don't always understand him."

"Do you think that is how friendship ought to work? That there should be a leader and a follower?"

"You don't think so?"

"I am asking you what you think." But he had spoken so sharply that Theo knew he had definite ideas on the subject.

* * *

Yes, Theo thought, Luna had been right about the distorted mirrors. In the weeks after that conversation, he occasionally noticed Lupin's eyes flickering to the corner of the room where he sat with his friends, but Theo had an eerie suspicion that his professor wasn't really seeing any of them. He was looking at Theo and seeing his friend Peter the hero. Still, he never let slip any hint of blame that Theo failed to live up to that ideal. He would have been more than willing to confide in Lupin now if it had not been for the strange, chilling conversation he'd half overheard outside the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor's office at the beginning of November in his third year.

* * *

It had been late in the evening, not long before curfew, and the dull ache of loneliness he'd felt since his sister's death had suddenly become overwhelming. Looking out from the other wing of the castle, he'd noticed a light in Professor Lupin's office window, and he'd wandered over to the office with a vague idea of telling him about Lavinia. After all, he was the first adult Theo had known, apart from his sister and David, who seemed genuinely interested in his own opinions and feelings.

But his now-favorite professor already had a visitor. As he approached the office, Theo heard Lupin say, "No, we will keep the door open, I think. Unless you are afraid. But if I were in your place, I should be more afraid of having it closed."

His voice was courteous, but it had a steely edge. The person he was speaking to made a vague noise of assent.

Something told Theo not to come any closer; he stepped into one of the castle's many side passages and listened without making a sound.

Lupin said something in a foreign language, and then, "I know what you meant by it, so don't bother to deny it. Cleverly done, but you're still an amateur. You should never have agreed to meet with me alone, and you forgot to name your price." He was speaking more quietly than before, almost too softly for Theo to catch the words, but there was a note in his voice that made Theo shiver.

The other voice said something that was pitched even lower, too low for Theo to hear.

Lupin laughed mirthlessly. "Too much - and too little. I haven't got it, and your soul is worth more than that. You may be interested to learn that Lord Voldemort tried to play the same game you are playing now."

Theo stood rooted to the floor, but part of him wanted to run. People didn't say the Dark Lord's name, even people who admired him, like Medea and Lucius Malfoy.

"Do you know what his price was? Three innocent lives. Would you care to know who paid it? That convict out there."

That had to mean Sirius Black, the mass murderer the students had been warned about since the beginning of term. Theo swallowed hard. The other person in the office didn't make a sound.

"I knew him, and you remind me of him very much. Let me tell you where the road you are going down ends. It ends on a grey and barren island, beaten by the wind and the sea and haunted by souls gone mad. It is called Azkaban and its dementors are pitiless. They have their way with all the prisoners in the end, leaving them without joy or sympathy or reason. Without reason. Think about that for a moment. Yes, I thought that might give you pause - even if nothing else does."

Theo slunk away without waiting to hear whether there was a reply. He didn't know who Professor Lupin was talking to, but he was sure he wouldn't be able to confide in someone who could threaten another human being with Azkaban.

* * *

But he had to confide in him now. He had promised Neville and Harry, and he didn't know where else to turn.

The morning of the Hogsmeade visit dawned grey and cloudy, with a light sprinkling of rain pattering against the castle windows. Theo pretended to be asleep until the last of his roommates had gone down to breakfast, and then he pulled on his outdoor cloak, tucked the Muggle newspaper where he'd found David's obituary into his pocket, and began mentally rehearsing what he was going to say. Only seven and a half more hours.

He expected the common room to be deserted this late in the morning, but Tracey was sitting in front of the fire. She got to her feet as if she'd been waiting for him. "Morning, Theo," she said, smiling brightly. "I was beginning to think you were never coming down. Listen, I've got to stop by the jeweler's to see if he can fix my bracelet, but I was wondering what you wanted to do after that."

Oh Merlin. He was supposed to be on a date. He'd completely forgotten.

Tracey dropped her bracelet off at the jeweler's, and they spent the rest of the morning wandering in and out of shops where neither of them particularly wanted to buy anything and making slightly stilted conversation. Theo wondered where else to take her. If they went to the Three Broomsticks, he ran the risk of running into Harry and his guardian in front of Tracey, which would require some explaining. They stopped in at Madame Puddifoot's for coffee and sandwiches, but the place was much too cutesy and claustrophobic for their tastes. And the Hog's Head was frankly creepy.

Honestly, he just felt like getting away from people. It was a raw, windy day, but it wasn't actually raining any more. "How about we go for a walk?" he suggested.

"Sure," Tracey said agreeably. "Where to?"

"Somewhere there aren't so many people." The tiny village was choked with crowds of chattering and laughing students ... all except the deserted hill where the most haunted building in Britain stood. "How about going up to the Shrieking Shack? I've never been that way before."

Tracey looked surprised, and Theo remembered that he used to be afraid of ghosts - not so very long ago, come to think of it. He didn't feel that way any more. Living people were infinitely scarier.

They clambered up the hill and slowly circled the abandoned house with its sagging roof and boarded-up windows. They were alone, looking out over the Forbidden Forest. Tracey edged closer to Theo and gave him a look that was - he realized with a start - unmistakably an invitation.

Without thinking too hard about it, he kissed her. Her mouth felt soft and firm at the same time. And very, very good, in a warm and intense and slightly shaky-at-the-knees way.

The trouble was, he couldn't figure out what people did after they kissed, besides kissing again, which they did. But it would be hard to keep doing the same thing until five o'clock, especially behind the Shrieking Shack in this weather. Theo's instincts were telling him to lie down and continue kissing Tracey in a more comfortable position, but there wasn't anything to lie on except wet grass stubble and mud. His shoes squelched.

He pulled her closer, and they bumped knees rather awkwardly. She had very hard kneecaps. He wondered if this was usual for girls.

One of the back buttons on Tracey's robe had come undone. Theo slid his hand into the gap: another thing his instincts were telling him to do. He had just enough time to register the fact that she didn't seem to be wearing a bra and to decide that he liked this very much, when she started giggling and didn't seem able to stop. "Y-you're tickling," she choked between gasps for breath.

He withdrew his hand. "Oh. Sorry."

She was still giggling, mostly from nervousness, he thought. "Listen. Um, I think this is going way too fast."

Well, it would be going a lot slower if you were wearing some bloody underwear! he thought. How was I supposed to know you weren't? He didn't think it would be a good idea to say this out loud, so he just said "Sorry," again.

"I'm sorry too."

"What for?"

"I don't know." She stood there looking uncertain what to do for a minute and suddenly kissed him again. Which felt good, and made him want to continue...

They repeated more or less the same set of maneuvers, and he was beginning to wonder if things were going to go on that way all afternoon, when two other figures appeared around the corner of the Shrieking Shack. A red-haired boy whom Theo recognized as a member of the large Weasley family was holding hands with Hermione Granger. They both looked surprised to see Theo and Tracey, and Theo felt much the same way. Was the patch of mud behind the Shrieking Shack some sort of popular make-out area, and he just hadn't known about it before?

"Hello," Theo said to Hermione. "Did you, uh, get your cloak back from Harry?"

"Yes. Thank you."

Both couples stood around looking embarrassed. Weasley let go of Hermione's hand.

"So," said Theo. "We were just, er, leaving. Hope you enjoy it up here. It's, uh, very nice and all." He waved his hand vaguely over the expanse of mud and stubble, and he and Tracey walked back toward the village.

"You called Potter 'Harry'," she said as they were climbing down the hill.

Theo realized with a start that he would never have called, or thought about, any of the Gryffindor boys by their first names a few weeks ago. "Well ... he's in my History of Magic class, and that's what the professor always calls him." Even to his own ears, that sounded like a lame excuse. "Did you catch the look on Weasley's face? I swear, he could have passed for a tomato," he added in an attempt to distract her.

Tracey snickered. "So could you, but at least blushing doesn't clash as much with your hair. He looked like a symphony in red."

They were talking more easily now, and he took her hand as they walked down the High Street of Hogsmeade. Blaise, who was talking to a small knot of Ravenclaws on the other side of the street, flashed him a thumbs-up as he passed.

Theo was beginning to think the day was going just fine, after all, when he heard the clock in the church tower chime five times.

"I'm awfully sorry, Trace, but I told Longbottom I'd meet him at the Three Broomsticks. He's - well, he's interested in the P.Y.L., but he won't commit to going to a meeting, so I wanted to talk to him a bit more."

"I'll come," she offered. "Maybe I can help."

"No! I mean, he's shy around strangers - especially girls - and ... well, I just don't think it would be good."

Tracey looked slightly put out. "Well, why don't we have a quick drink in the Three Broomsticks while you're waiting for him?"

Theo shook his head. "I'm late already. I need to go." He hurried away, feeling horribly rude, but he had a gut feeling that warned him not to let any of his housemates know he was talking to their former professor.