Marauder MST - The Philosopher's (Sorceror's) Stone

The Marauders Read The Philosopher's Stone And Make Snide Remarks
By Admiral Albia

Chapter Three; The Letters From No One - Part 1

The escape of the Brazilian boa constrictor earned Harry his longest-ever punishment.

James - For once, I'm afraid I have to agree with my in-laws on this one.
Sirius - Be fair, James. It was a magical accident.
James - Yeah, but it was a dangerous one. At least I only blow up the teapot!
Remus - Though that can be quite dangerous when your mother is making tea at the time. And it's dangerous for my ears, when you get a Howler telling you to vent your anger differently.
James - I try! It just keeps going to the teapot!

By the time he was allowed out of his cupboard again, the summer holidays had started

Sirius - Still agree with length of punishment?
James - NO.

and Dudley had already broken his new cine-camera, crashed his remote control aeroplane

Peter - It's a new measure of time! How long it takes James' stupid nephew to break his birthday presents.
Remus - But is it an accurate measure?
Sirius - Has to be. Otherwise they wouldn't know how much he'd broken by the time the summer holidays had started.... hang on, did he go to school during that time?
James - Apparently not. Oh well.
Remus - OH WELL?!?

and, first time on his racing bike,

Peter - Crushed the framework and made the wheels go square with his immense weight.

knocked down old Mrs Figg as she crossed Privet Drive on her crutches.

James - Awww, is ickle Mrs Figgy getting too slow to run, den? *cackles*
Sirius - James, it's witches who are supposed to cackle. We're wizards, we laugh insanely.
James - Oh. Sorry. *laughs insanely*
Sirius - Better.

Harry was glad school was over,

All - Who isn't?

but there was no escaping Dudley's gang, who visited the house every single day.

James - You know I said they sounded like Crabbe, Goyle and Malfoy? Well...

Piers, Dennis, Malcolm and Gordon were all big and stupid,

Peter - Like Crabbe and Goyle...

but as Dudley was the biggest and stupidest of the lot, he was the leader.

Sirius - Makes sense. After all, what's the point in having an intelligent leader?
James - Uh.... Sirius?
Sirius - (innocently) Yeah?
James - Nothing.
Sirius - (to Remus and Peter) Did he actually notice I just insulted him?

The rest of them were all quite happy to join in Dudley's favourite sport: Harry Hunting.

Sirius - Cat Chasing's more fun.
Remus - Cat! Cats! Where cats?
James - *points out of the window* There cats!
Sirius/Remus - CAT CHASE! *both transform [1] and dive out of the second-story window*
Peter - *watches them land heavily* Are there really any cats down there?.... Ow, that's gotta hurt!
James - Nup. I just wanted to see them make fools of themselves and there weren't any sticks to throw. *picks up the book* Now, where were we?

This was why Harry spent as much time as possible out of the house,

Peter - He's allowed out of the house?
James - Apparently...
Peter - So... they keep him under control by allowing him to go anywhere he pleases?
James - Yep...

wandering around and thinking about the end of the holidays, where he could see a tiny ray of hope.

Peter - HoggyWarties!
James - Pete... it's Hogwarts .

When September came he would be going off to

Both (Remus and Sirius are still chasing cats) - Hogwarts!

secondary school and, for the first time in his life, he wouldn't be with Dudley.

James - I should think not!

Dudley had a place at Uncle Vernon's old school, Smeltings.

Peter - Smelting... isn't that what they do to iron to get it the right shape?
James - Ah-hah! The mystery of school names uncovered!
Peter - Huh?.... Oh yeah....

Piers Polkiss was going there too.

James - Stupid gits stick together... as do birds of a feather.
Peter - Though the latter was because you glued them together.
James - *sniggers* That was fun....

Harry, on the other hand, was going to

Both - Hogwarts.

Stonewall High, the local comprehensive.

Both - WHAT!?!

Dudley thought this was very funny.

James - Well, I don't. *goes to the window* OI! Sirius! Remus! Get back here! We've got an emergency! Damn, where have they gone?
Peter - Don't worry, they'll come back for dinner. Dogs always do... and so does Sirius.
James - Yeah, but... he's not going to Hogwarts....
Peter - Maybe if we read on he will go to Hogwarts.
James - Good idea! *picks up the book again*

'They stuff people's heads down the toilet first day at Stonewall,'

James - Charming.
Peter - Normal.

he told Harry,

Peter - Translation; They don't but Dudley likes terrorizing people.

'want to come upstairs and practise?'

James - Uck... Curse Sirius' contagiously dirty mind!

'No thanks,' said Harry, 'The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it - it might be sick.'

James - I really like my son.

Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he'd said.

Peter - Sensible boy.

One day in July, Aunt Petunia took Dudley to London to buy his Smeltings uniform, leaving Harry at Mrs Figg's.

James - Poor boy...

Mrs Figg wasn't as bad as usual.

James - It's a miracle!

It turned out she'd broken her leg tripping over one of her cats and she didn't seem quite as fond of them as usual.

James - *sniggers*
Sirius/Remus - *dash back into the room and transform back* CATS!
Peter - Ah, you're back. You'll never believe this... Harry isn't going to Hogwarts!
James - It's a scandal!
Sirius - Shouldn't be allowed!
Remus - Aren't we overreacting just a little here, people?
James/Sirius/Peter - NO!

She let Harry watch television and gave him a bit of chocolate cake that tasted as though she'd had it for several years.

Sirius - She probably had.

That evening, Dudley paraded around the living-room for the family in his brand-new uniform.

Remus - Do we really want to know?
James - *reading ahead* Oh yes. Yes, we want to know.

Smeltings' boys wore maroon tailcoats, orange knickerbockers and flat straw hats called boaters.

Sirius/Peter - *fall about laughing*
James/Remus - What?
Sirius - *gets out a book called Costumes, Muggle and Magic* That's a tailcoat... and those are knickerbockers...
James/Remus - *fall about laughing*

They also carried knobbly sticks, used for hitting each other while the teachers weren't looking.

Remus - Only while the teachers weren't looking? *glares at Sirius* That's certainly an improvement on our school...
Sirius - He insulted Rocky here!
Peter - My. Name. Is. PETER!

This was supposed to be good training for later life.

James - Hogwarts students wear black robes and pointy hats called 'hats'. They also carry small sticks, used for hexing each other regardless of whether the teachers are looking or not. This IS good training for later life.
Sirius - Exactly.

As he looked at Dudley in his new knickerbockers, Uncle Vernon said gruffly that it was the proudest moment of his life.

Peter - It was the first time he'd realised that his son's ideal vocation was as a clown?

Aunt Petunia burst into tears and said she couldn't believe it was her Ickle Dudleykins, he looked so handsome and grown-up.

Remus - I don't believe these people.

Harry didn't trust himself to speak.

Sirius/Peter - AAAAAHHHH! PISS!

He thought two of his ribs might already have cracked from trying not to laugh.

James - I don't blame him.

There was a horrible smell in the kitchen next morning when Harry went in for breakfast.

Remus - So, what's new?
Remus' mother - I HEARD THAT!

It seemed to be coming from a large metal tub in the sink.

Peter - The sink is a large metal tub....

He went to have a look.

Sirius - Oh, the suspense!

The tub was full of what looked like dirty rags swimming in grey water.
'What's this?' he asked Aunt Petunia.

Sirius - *as Aunt Petunia* I'm training some rags to do synchronized swimming, what does it look like?

Her lips tightened as they always did if he dared to ask a question.

James - Lovely sister-in-law I have here...

'Your new school uniform,' she said.

Remus - The Hogwarts one's better.
Sirius - It doesn't do synchronized swimming by itself, for a start.

Harry looked in the bowl again.

Sirius - The tension is mounting...

'Oh,' he said. 'I didn't realise it had to be so wet.'
'Don't be stupid,' snapped Aunt Petunia.

James - (as Harry) Why not? Everyone else around here is.

'I'm dyeing some of Dudley's old things grey for you. It'll look just like everyone else's when I've finished.'

Peter - Yeah, right.

Harry seriously doubted this,

Peter - See?

but thought it best not to argue. He sat down at the table and tried not to think about how he was going to look on his first day at Stonewall High - like he was wearing bits of old elephant skin, probably.

Sirius - *cracks up laughing again*
James - *glares*

Dudley and Uncle Vernon came in, both with wrinkled noses because of the smell from Harry's new uniform.

Remus - Oh, I thought it was Aunt Petunia's perfume.

Uncle Vernon opened his newspaper as usual and Dudley banged his Smelting stick, which he carried everywhere, on the table.

Peter - Causing the table to break.

They heard the click of the letter-box and flop of letters on the doormat.

Sirius - Gosh, the excitement of it all! Like History of Magic on a bad day!

'Get the post, Dudley,' said Uncle Vernon from behind his newspaper.

James - Is he capable of such a feat? I mean it involves walking, bending, manipulating his fingers to pick up the letters..
Remus - The bending part in particular he may have a problem with.

'Make Harry get it.'

Peter - Translation; He can't do it.

'Get the post, Harry.'

James - Stand up for yourself, lad!

'Make Dudley get it.'

Sirius - Sorry, Harry, he's incapable of performing a feat of such magnitude.
Remus - *gasps* He knows long words!

'Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley.'

All - FOUL!

Harry dodged the Smelting stick

James - Good.

and went to get the post.

James - No so good.

Three things lay on the doormat:

Peter - Something the... *notices Sirius and Remus getting ready to transform* domesticated feline dragged in, some chewing gum and a death threat for Petunia and Vernon from James/Sirius/Remus?
Sirius - What about you?
Peter - I don't do death threats.
Remus - *lips have been moving slowly* Domesticated... feline... CAT! WHERE CAT?
James - *groans*

a postcard from Uncle Vernon's sister Marge, who was holidaying on the Isle of Wight, a brown envelope that looked like a bill and - a letter for Harry.

Sirius - HOGWARTS!
Peter - Hogwarts!
Remus - Hogwarts?
James - Hogwarts!

Harry picked it up and stared at it, his heart twanging like a giant elastic band.

Peter - Do you think we should get him some medicine?

No one, ever, in his whole life, had written to him.

All - Aww.....

Who would?

Sirius - I would.
Remus - And me.
Peter - Me too.
James. But, apparently, you haven't. So where the hell are you three?
Remus - Maybe we'll find out later.

He had no friends,

Sirius - We're your friends!
Remus - Yeah!

no other relatives

James - I'm never going to look at my mum the same way again. Or Alyssa.

- he didn't belong to the library so he'd never even got rude notes asking for books back.

Remus - He wants rude notes asking for books back?

Yet here it was, a letter, addressed so plainly there could be no mistake.

Mr H Potter
The Cupboard under the Stairs
4 Privet Drive
Little Whingeing
Surrey

The envelope was thick and heavy, made of yellowish parchment, and the address was written in emerald-green ink. There was no stamp.

All - Hogwarts.

Turning the envelope over, his hand trembling, Harry saw a purple wax seal bearing a coat of arms; a lion, an eagle, a badger and a snake surrounding a large letter 'H'.

All - Hogwarts.

'Hurry up, boy!' shouted Uncle Vernon from the kitchen. 'What are you doing, checking for letter-bombs?' He chuckled at his own joke.

Peter - Bad sign, that.

Harry went back to the kitchen, still staring at his letter.

Peter - I have to admit I did much the same.
Remus - Yeah...

He handed Uncle Vernon the bill and postcard, sat down and slowly began to open the yellow envelope.

James - Odd. I ripped mine open.
Sirius - Yeah, you tore the letter, didn't you?
James - Shaddup.

Uncle Vernon ripped open the bill, snorted in disgust

Sirius - He's a pig!
Peter - So now they're vampire werewolf pigs? Makes sense...
James/Remus - *glare*
Sirius - No... maybe vampire werepigs...

and flipped over the postcard.
'Marge's ill,' he informed Aunt Petunia. 'Ate a funny whelk...'

James - ...and we care about this why? Harry's going to Hogwarts! Get back to Harry!

'Dad!' said Dudley suddenly, 'Dad, Harry's got something!'

James - *reading ahead* Oh, no ...

Harry was on the point of unfolding his letter, which was written on the same heavy parchment as the envelope, when it was jerked sharply out of his hand by Uncle Vernon.

Sirius - BASTARD!

'That's mine !' said Harry, trying to snatch it back.

Remus - Yeah, give him his letter back!

'Who'd be writing to you?' sneered Uncle Vernon,

Sirius - I would!
Remus - And me!
Peter - Me too!

shaking the letter open with one hand and glancing at it. His face went from red to green faster than a set of traffic lights. And it didn't stop there. Within seconds it was the greyish white of old porridge.

James - Roll up, Roll up! See the Amazing Colour Changing Muggle! Five Knuts to see him, Eight Knuts to feed him! Your money won't be wasted!

'P-P-Petunia!' he gasped.

Sirius - So... he's panicking because someone at Hogwarts sent him a picture of his wife?
Remus - I can't blame him really... I'd panic if I opened a Hogwarts letter and saw that ugly mug...
Sirius - True...

Dudley tried to grab the letter to read it,

James - *to Dudley* Get off, it's not yours.

but Uncle Vernon held it high out of his reach. Aunt Petunia took it curiously and read the first line. For a moment it looked as though she might faint.

Peter - YESSSS!

She clutched her throat and made a choking noise.

Sirius - I don't do that when I pretend to faint.

'Vernon! Oh my goodness - Vernon!'

Remus - Ohhh, I get it! It's a joke letter that shows the ugliest face you've ever seen!
James - (to Sirius) We have got to try that.
Sirius - *nods*
Peter - Aw, Remus, now look what you've done!
Remus - Damn.

They stared at each other, seeming to have forgotten that Harry and Dudley were in the room.

James - Wonder what Harry would've seen?
Sirius - Oh, that's easy. Dudley.
Remus - (to Peter) Or it could've been James...
Peter - *giggles*
James - I HEARD THAT!

Dudley wasn't used to being ignored.

Sirius - We'd kinda worked that out by now anyway.

He gave his father a sharp tap on the head with his Smelting stick.

Peter - Then realised that it was actually Harry's wand, and he'd just turned his father into a slug. He panicked and trod on the slug, and the world was a better place.

'I want to read that letter,' he said loudly.

Remus - Wonder what he'd see?
Sirius - Himself. You know, like in a mirror.

'I want to read it,' said Harry furiously, 'as it's mine. '

James - A worthy argument, my son, but I feel it will amount to nowt.

'Get out, both of you,' croaked Uncle Vernon,

Peter - My mistake, sorry, Dudley turned him into a frog.

stuffing the letter back inside its envelope.

Remus - That's cruelty to MWPP Products! We're suing!
James/Sirius/Peter - YEAH!

Harry didn't move.

Peter - Freezer Charm?

'I WANT MY LETTER!' he shouted.

Sirius - Nah, just Potter Pigheadedness.
James - Oi!

'Let me see it!' demanded Dudley.

Remus - It's not yours to see! Now sit down and shut up!
James/Sirius/Peter - *edge away from Remus*
Remus - What?

'OUT!' roared Uncle Vernon,

Peter - Interesting. Harry's Uncle Vernon snaps just after Remus. This may be useful in later life, when we turn up to take Harry away from it all.
James - You'd better turn up, or I'll have your guts for garters when you reach heaven.

and he took both Harry and Dudley by the scruffs of their necks and threw them into the hall,

Sirius - Wow, he must be strong if he can pick Dudley up!

slamming the kitchen door behind them.

Remus - So, let me just get current events in order. We've bewitched - fine, Sirius, bewizarded Harry's Hogwarts letter so everyone but him sees the ugliest face they've ever seen?
James/Sirius/Peter - Yep.
Remus - And Dudley has turned his father into a slug-
Peter - A frog.
Remus - a frog... right. Do you think we could perhaps be taking this story just a little too literally?
James/Sirius/Peter - No.
Remus - *sigh* Fine...

Harry and Dudley promptly had a furious but silent fight over who would listen at the keyhole;

Peter - Of course they did.

Dudley won,

All - Damn!

so Harry, his glasses dangling from one ear, lay flat on his stomach to listen at the crack between door and floor.

James - And he's resourceful, too.

'Vernon,' Aunt Petunia was saying in a quivering voice, 'look at the address - how could they possibly know where he sleeps? You don't think they're watching the house?'

Sirius - Yep. There's old Mrs Figg across the road, and Peter's been living in Harry's cupboard, avoiding the rat poison... and me 'n' Remus are using that old Invisibility Cloak, don'cher know... incidentally, could we just nick one of those sausages? Thanks...

'Watching - spying - might be following us,' muttered Uncle Vernon wildly.

Peter - Nah, we're more interested in Harry.

'But what should we do, Vernon? Should we write back? Tell them we don't want -'

Remus - It doesn't work, my dad tried it. 'The kid can't go, he's a werewolf!' *grins* They just kept coming until he gave in and asked what the 'special arrangements' would be...

Harry could see Uncle Vernon's shiny black shoes pacing up and down the kitchen.

James - You don't get that kind of information through the keyhole.

'No,' he said finally. 'No, we'll ignore it. If they don't get an answer... Yes, that's best... we won't do anything...'

Remus - *is beginning to laugh already*

'But-'
'I'm not having one in the house, Petunia! Didn't we swear when we took him in we'd stamp out that dangerous nonsense?'

All - Magic? Nonsense?

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[1] I tend to think this; Remus can transform any time he wants, but doesn't choose to. When he transforms voluntarily (unlike at full moon), he is more or less in control of the situation. When he changes involuntarily (i.e. at full moon), he loses control of the wolf brain. Make sense?

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