Marauder MST - The Philosopher's (Sorceror's) Stone

The Marauders Read The Philosopher's Stone
By Admiral Albia

Chapter Three; The Vanishing Glass - Part 2

That evening when he got back from work, Uncle Vernon did something he'd never done before;

Peter - Pretended he was a chicken?
Sirius - Spanked Dudley?
Remus - Divorced Aunt Petunia on principle?
James - Told my son he's a wizard?
Sirius - Nah, too boring.

he visited Harry in his cupboard.

James - HAH!
Remus - You didn't say that.
James - But I was closer than everyone else.
Peter - How do you know people pretending to be chickens don't regularly visit Harry in his cupboard?

'Where's my letter?' said Harry, the moment Uncle Vernon had

Peter - Stopped pretending he ws a chicken.

squeezed through the door,

Peter - Oh.
Remus - He's a bit fat, isn't he?
James/Sirius/Peter - *roll eyes*

'Who's writing to me?'

James - Well, not you three for a start.

'No one.

James - How true...

It was addressed to you by mistake,'

Remus - How? It had his cupboard on it!

said Uncle Vernon shortly.

Sirius - Short and fat... hm...
Remus - *glares* Peter has enough worries without you, Padfoot.
Sirius - Who said I was talking about Peter? I was going to say, sounds like a young Crabbe or Goyle.
Remus - Oh.
Peter - *glares at Remus*
Sirius - *laughs* Teach him to jump to conclusions, Rocky!

'I have burned it.'

James/Sirius - OI! Cruelty to MWPP Products!
Remus - Call out the lawyers!
James - Send for the doctor!
Sirius - Send for the nurse!
Peter - Send for the lady with the alligator purse!
Remus - Why?
James - Well, it's ill. Look at those burn marks!
Remus - All right, you three. Prescriptions. NOW.
James/Sirius/Peter - What prescriptions?

'It was not a mistake,' said Harry angrily, 'it had my cupboard on it.'

Remus - Exactly, Harry.

'SILENCE!' yelled Uncle Vernon,

James - Like we actually care about what he wants.

and a couple of spiders fell from the ceiling.

Peter - Whoa, he's got a classic wizard's lair there...
James - Unfortunately.

He took a few deep breaths and then forced his face into a smile which looked quite painful.

Sirius - Yep. He doesn't really know how to smile. He's been going to therapy for it.

'Er - yes, Harry - about this cupboard.

James - It's a shameful example of child abuse and the men are coming to collect him?
Sirius - Nah, they wouldn't do that.
Peter - How do you know?
Sirius - *shrugs* Well, I slept in a coal cellar for two years, nobody ever noticed until my guardian came round...
James - *grins* Your guardian being Mad-Eye...
Sirius - ...yup... he wasn't happy.
Remus - I still don't get this.
Sirius - *sighs* It's perfectly simple. Mad-Eye's my legal guardian but he's in too much of a dangerous position to look after me, so I live with other people.
James - Who hate you.
Sirius - In a nutshell.
Remus - *mutters* Case, more like.

Your aunt and I have been thinking ...

All - Wow!

you're really getting a bit big for it ...

Sirius - (as Harry) Only with your great bulk in here too.

we think it might be nice if you moved into Dudley's second bedroom.'

All - Why?

'Why?' said Harry.

James - Well, he thinks like a Marauder...
Sirius - He looks like a Marauder...
Remus - He doesn't act like a Marauder, thank God...
Sirius - Don't thank him too soon, he hasn't been introduced to Zonko's yet.
Remus - Damn.

'Don't ask questions!' snapped his uncle.

Peter - Why not?

'Take this stuff upstairs, now.'

Sirius - He can't, you stupid man, you're blocking the door.

The Dursley's house had four bedrooms;

Sirius - Oh, the excitement! I think I'm having a heart attack!

one for Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia,

Peter - And any stray owls needing somewhere to fly in pairs.
James/Sirius - *giggle like maniacs*

one for visitors (usually Uncle Vernon's sister, Marge),

Sirius - Or any stray owls, as Rocky said...

one where Dudley slept

Peter - Through the day, owing to that unfortunate incident with the vampire a few years ago.

and one where Dudley kept all the toys and things that wouldn't fit into his first bedroom.

Sirius - Spoilt brat.

It only took Harry one trip upstairs to move everything he owned from the cupboard to this room.

James - Says something about how much he owns, doesn't it...

He sat down on the bed and stared around him. Nearly everything in here was broken.

Sirius - *looks around* Hmm....
Remus - It's not my fault I have destructive urges once a month!

The month-old cine-camera was

Peter - Filming everything he did?

lying on top of a small, working tank

James/Sirius/Remus - Tank?
Peter - *sighs* Muggle war machine. I think Dudley's got a toy one.
James/Sirius/Remus - Ah.

Dudley had once driven over next door's dog;

Sirius/Remus - OI! Cruelty to canines!

in the corner was Dudley's first-ever television set,

Peter - Suggesting he's got more than one... whose turn?
Sirius - James'.
James - Spoilt brat.

which he'd put his foot through when his favourite programme had been cancelled;

Remus - Spoilt brat...

there was a large bird-cage which had once held

Peter - An owl?
Sirius - I doubt it...

a parrot

Sirius - See?

that Dudley had swapped at school for a real air-rifle,

James - We swap Chocolate Frog cards, not birds and weapons...
Sirius - Mmm... the Slytherins , however...
James/Remus/Peter - Mmmmm....

which was up on a shelf with the end all bent because Dudley had sat on it.

Peter - I knew he was too fat!
James - ...
Sirius - ...
Remus - ...you keep thinking that, Peter...
Peter - Oh, come off it! That cauldron's bottom was too thin!
Sirius - ...yeah, Rocky...
James - ...sure...

Other shelves were full of books.

Remus - Well, at least Dudley's got one good hobby.

They were the only things in the room that looked as though they'd never been touched.

Remus - Or not.

From downstairs came the sound of Dudley bawling at his mother: 'I don't want him in there ... I need that room ... make him get out ...'

Sirius - Somehow, this scenario seems familiar... *cough*James*cough*
James - I didn't bawl, I whined.
Sirius - Yeah. Constantly.

Harry sighed and stretched out on the bed.

Sirius - Look! It's that huge excitement build-up again!

Yesterday he'd have given anything to be up here.

James - No he wouldn't. Not anything . Most things, yes; anything, no.

Today he'd rather be back in his cupboard with that letter than up here without it.

Remus - I know the feeling...
Sirius - Yes, your last Hogwarts letter got mysteriously ripped to shreds along with the owl, didn't it...
Remus - Shaddup.

Next morning at breakfast, everyone was rather quiet.

James - Too quiet! PARTY!
Remus - No. Not in my bedroom. Not after last time, and especially not with Sirius in attendance.
Sirius - Ooh, I've got a party rep!
Peter - Yeah... a bad one...
Sirius - That's a minor point.

Dudley was in shock.

James - He'd been told he had to go on a diet?
Remus - He'd not been allowed to get his own way?
Peter - He'd witnessed his father acting like a chicken and was traumatised for life?
Sirius - He'd read one of the letters and been terrified? By the way, nice work, Prongs.
James - Why, thank you, Padfoot.

He'd screamed,

Peter - He's turned into a girl?
Sirius - Not necessarily. I've heard boys screaming before. Usually when they see Remus...
James - Or Peter.
Sirius - *chuckles* Snape's scared of rats... I'd never have guessed if it hadn't been for Rocky...

whacked his father with his Smelting stick, been sick on purpose, kicked his mother

James - OBJECTION! No well-brought up boy should kick his mother! (as an afterthought) The other things are OK though...
Sirius - I'd kick my mother...
James - You have an excuse.
Remus - I bit mine once...
James - You also have an excuse.
Peter - I terrified mine by being a rat...
James - (as McGonagall) Pettigrew! Detention! You have no excuse!

and thrown his tortoise through the greenhouse roof

All - Cruelty to animals!

and he still didn't have his way.

Sirius - (sarcastically) Gee, I wonder why...

Harry was thinking about this time yesterday and bitterly wishing he'd opened the letter in the hall.

Remus - They'd still have found out about it...

Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia kept looking at each other darkly.

Peter - Ooh, they've had an argument!

When the post arrived, Uncle Vernon, who seemed to be trying to be nice to Harry,

All - *gasp*
Sirius - *faints*
James - Uh-oh.
Remus - Nah, he's just pretending. Get up, Sirius.
Sirius - *grumbles and gets up*

made Dudley go and get it.

Remus - So maybe what he actually wanted to do was to stop Harry getting his hands on his letter?

They heard him banging things

James/Sirius/Peter - *laugh hysterically*
Remus - *groans*

with his Smelting stick all the way down the hall.

James - Whoa, he'd be pretty tired by the end.
Sirius/Peter - *still laughing*

Then he shouted:

Sirius - Did he pass a mirror or something?

'There's another one! Mr H. Potter, The Smallest Bedroom, 4 Privet Drive -'

Remus - *chuckles*

With a strangled cry, Uncle Vernon

Sirius - Was strangled by a piece of washing line which fell over his neck and mysteriously tightened.

leapt from his seat and ran down the hall, Harry right behind him - Uncle Vernon had to wrestle Dudley to the ground to get the letter from him, which was made difficult by the fact that Harry had grabbed Uncle Vernon around the neck from behind.

Remus - Sounds to me like it was Harry strangling him, Padfoot.
Sirius - Yeah...

After a minute of confused fighting, in which everyone got hit a lot by the Smelting stick,

James - He's still got it out?
Remus - UCK! Prescription!
James - What prescription?

Uncle Vernon straightened up, gasping for breath, with Harry's letter clutched in his hand.
'Go to your cupboard - I mean, your bedroom,' he wheezed at Harry. 'Dudley - go - just go.'

Peter - "OK," said Dudley, and went. All over the floor.

Harry walked round and round his new room.

Sirius - Trying to wear a hole right through the floor, so he could drop in on his aunt and uncle.

Someone knew he had moved out of his cupboard and they seemed to know he hadn't received his first letter.

Remus - Yeah, Dumbledore keeps himself pretty up-to-date.

Surely that meant they'd try again?

Remus - You can bet your life on it.

And this time he'd make sure they didn't fail. He had a plan.

James - He's got a plan! Welcome to the Marauders, Harry!
Peter - What should we call him?
Sirius - Well... he's a little Prongs... so... Prods?
James - Prods it is.
Remus - Welcome, Prods, to the land of insanity...

The repaired alarm clock rang at six o'clock the next morning. Harry turned it off quickly and dressed silently. He mustn't wake the Dursleys. He stole downstairs without turning on any of the lights.

James - Prods is a good plotter. He's got it all down to the last detail, look!

He was going to wait for the postman on the corner of Privet Drive and get the letters for number four first.

Remus - Good idea...

His heart hammered as he crept across the dark hall towards the front door -
'AAAAARRRGH!'

Peter - Well, that rather wrecked the point of dressing silently...

Harry leapt into the air - he'd trodden on something big and squashy on the doormat - something alive !

Sirius - Remus, did you come and sleep inside during the full moon again?

Lights clicked on upstairs and to his horror Harry realised that the big squashy something had been his uncle's face. Uncle Vernon had been lying at the foot of the front door in a sleeping bag, clearly making sure that Harry didn't do exactly what he'd been trying to do.

James - Damn, his uncle caught him. Ah well, better luck next time...

He shouted at Harry for about half an hour

Peter - Y'know, if Filch ever retires, we've got the perfect replacement here...

and then told him to go and make a cup of tea.

Remus - Not much good with punishments though, is he...?

Harry shuffled miserably off into the kitchen and by the time he got back, the post had arrived, right into Uncle Vernon's lap. Harry could see three letters addressed in green ink.

Remus - Yep... they're getting pushy...

'I want-' he began, but Uncle Vernon was tearing the letters into pieces before his eyes.

James - Eeeviiil... he is eeeviiil....

Uncle Vernon didn't go to work that day. He stayed at home and nailed up the letter-box.
'See,' he explained to Aunt Petunia through a mouthful of nails, 'if they can't deliver them they'll just give up.'
'I'm not sure that'll work, Vernon.'
'Oh, these people's minds work in strange ways,

Remus/Peter - *looks at James and Sirius**have coughing fits*
James/Sirius - Hey!

Petunia, they're not like you and me,'

Peter - I should think not!

said Uncle Vernon, trying to knock in a nail with the piece of fruit cake Aunt Petunia had just brought him.

Sirius - So, we need medication, do we?
Remus - Yes. You do. But so does he.

On Friday, no less than twelve letters arrived for Harry.

Remus - *grins* It's fun when Hogwarts get persistent...

As they couldn't go through the letter-box they had been pushed under the door, slotted through the sides and a few even forced through the small window in the downstairs toilet.

James - *laughs* I see what Moony means...

Uncle Vernon stayed at home again. After burning all the letters, he got out a hammer and nails and boarded up the cracks around the front and back doors so no one could go out.

Remus - *twitches* Claustrophobia...rising... can't get out...
Sirius - Calm down, Moony... it's just a book...
Peter - *opens the door*
Remus - *sighs* Thanks, Wormtail.

He hummed 'Tiptoe through the Tulips' as he worked, and jumped at small noises.

James - He's losing iiit....

On Saturday, things began to get out of hand.

Remus - This was the point when my dad gave up.

Twenty-four letters to Harry found their way into the house, rolled up and hidden inside each of the two dozen eggs that their very confused milkman had handed to Aunt Petunia through the living-room window.

Sirius - *chuckles* I can see why...

While Uncle Vernon made furious telephone calls to the post office and the dairy trying to find someone to complain to,

James - Why?
Peter - He just likes complaining.

Aunt Petunia shredded the letters in her food mixer.
'Who on earth wants to talk to you this badly?' Dudley asked Harry in amazement.

Remus - Dumbledore does.

On Sunday morning, Uncle Vernon sat down at the breakfast table looking tired and rather ill, but happy.

James - Happy, eh? We'll soon see to that . Padfoot? Stinkbomb.
Sirius - Stinkbomb. *hands one over*
James - Map.
Sirius - Map. *passes it*
James - Now, this is a delicate operation...
Remus - *groans* You'll never find him, James. Wait until you meet your fiancee...
James - *sighs* Fine....

'No post on Sundays', he reminded them happily

Remus - *smirks* Wanna bet on that?

as he spread marmalade on his newspapers.

Sirius - James... could you read that again please? I'm not sure I heard it right.

as he spread marmalade on his newspapers.

Sirius - Yup, I heard it. You were right, Prongs - he is losing it...

'no damn letters today-'

Remus - In your dreams.

Something came whizzing down the kitchen chimney as he spoke and caught him sharply on the back of the head. Next moment, thirty or forty letters came pelting out of the fireplace like bullets. The Dursleys ducked, but Harry leapt into the air trying to catch one -

Peter - Will he get one?
Sirius - No chance.

'Out! OUT!'
Uncle Vernon seized Harry around the waist and threw him into the hall.

Sirius - See?
Remus - So that's what happens next! I always wondered what'd have happened if I hadn't replied when I did...

When Aunt Petunia and Dudley had run out with their arms over their faces, Uncle Vernon slammed the door shut. They could hear the letters still streaming into the room, bouncing off the walls and floor.

James - Just let him get one, you idiots!

'That does it,' said Uncle Vernon, trying to speak calmly but pulling great tufts out of his moustache at the same time.

Sirius - Loopy. Absolutely loopy. Gone so far round the bend he's coming back.
James - I couldn't agree more, Padfoot...

'I want you all back here in five minutes ready to leave. We're going away. Just pack some clothes. No arguments!'

Peter - But... I think they'd know if he moved again...
Remus - They would.

He looked so dangerous with half his moustache missing that no one dared argue.

James - I'd argue!
Sirius - You would.

Ten minutes later they had wrenched their way through the boarded-up doors and were in the car, speeding towards the motorway. Dudley was sniffling in the back seat; his father had hit him round the head for holding them up while he tried to pack his television, video and computer in his sports bag.

Peter - Spoilt brat.

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