Marauder MST - The Philosopher's (Sorceror's) Stone

Harry Potter And The Philosopher's (Sorceror's) Stone - MSTed!
By Admiral Albia

Chapter Two; The Vanishing Glass - Part 1

Nearly ten years had passed since the Dursleys had woken up to find their nephew on the front step, but Privet Drive had hardly changed at all.

Remus - It didn't strike me as the sort of place to change, I must say.

The sun rose on the same tidy front gardens and lit up the brass number four on the Dursleys' front door; it crept into their living room,

James - It crept in? So it wasn't wanted then?
Sirius - They're vampires! Ahahahaha!
Peter - But Harry's a werewolf, remember? The accident in the hospital?
Remus/James - *glare*
Sirius - Yeah, well now he's a vampire werewolf.
Remus - Moving swiftly on...

which was almost exactly the same as it had been on the night when Mr Dursley had seen that fateful news report about the owls.

James/Sirius/Peter - *collapse in hysterics*
Remus - *groans*

Only the photographs on the mantelpiece really showed how much time had passed. Ten years ago, there had been lots of pictures of what looked like a large pink beach ball wearing different-coloured bobble hats - but

Remus - The Dursleys were sober now, and no longer thought a beach ball was their son.

Dudley Dursley was no longer a baby, and now the photographs showed a large, blond boy riding his first bicycle, on a roundabout at the fair, playing a computer game with his father, being hugged and kissed by his mother. The room held no sign at all that another boy lived in the house too.

Sirius - I knew it! The Ministry never gets the Child Relocations right! Never!
James - What about when you came to us?
Sirius - That wasn't done through the Child Relocation office, though, was it?
James - True...

Yet Harry Potter was still there, asleep at the moment, but not for long. His Aunt Petunia was awake and it was her shrill voice which made the first noise of the day.
'Up! Get up! Now!'

James - Such a charming start to the day.

Harry woke with a start. His aunt rapped on the door again.
'Up!' she screeched. Harry heard her walking towards the kitchen and then the sound of the frying pan being put on the cooker. He rolled onto his back and tried to remember the dream he had been having. It had been a good one. There had been a flying motorbike in it.

Sirius - Hiya, Harry!

He had a funny feeling he'd had the same dream before.

Remus - Well, he did. When he was a baby. Only it wasn't a dream.

His aunt was back outside the door.
'Are you up yet?' she demanded.
'Nearly,' said Harry.

Peter - As he swung the door open, smashing his aunt into the wall.
James - Go Harry!

'Well, get a move on, I want you to look after the bacon. And don't you dare let it burn, I want everything perfect on Duddy's birthday.'
Harry groaned.
'What did you say?' his aunt snapped through the door.

James - (as Harry) I said *groans*

'Nothing, nothing...'

Remus - Wimp. Talk back to the lady!
Sirius - Uh-uh. That'd just get him punished. And believe me, there are some very imaginative punishments out there.

Dudley's birthday - how could he have forgotten?

Peter - Apparently he does have a problem with amnesia.

Harry got slowly out of bed and started looking for socks. He found a pair under his bed and, after pulling a spider off one of them, put them on. Harry was used to spiders, because the cupboard under the stairs was full of them, and that was where he slept.

James - BASTARDS!
Sirius - I wouldn't go that far. He's just your average wizard orphan, that's all.
Remus - You'd think Dumbledore could get it right, though, wouldn't you?
Sirius - Nah.

When he was dressed he went down the hall into the kitchen. The table was almost hidden beneath all Dudley's birthday presents. It looked as though Dudley had got the new computer he wanted, not to mention the second television and the racing bike.

Peter - Spoilt brat.

Exactly why Dudley wanted a racing bike was a mystery to Harry, as Dudley was very fat and hated exercise - unless of course it involved punching somebody. Dudley's favourite punch-bag was Harry, but he couldn't often catch him. Harry didn't look it, but he was very fast.

Remus - Sounds like James.
Sirius - Like father like son.
Peter - NOOOOOOOOO!

Perhaps it had something to do with living in a dark cupboard, but Harry had always been small and skinny for his age.

Sirius - Nah, that's just his Potter genes playing him up. They're always small and skinny.
James - I'm growing! ...Slowly.

He looked even smaller and skinnier than he really was because all he had to wear were old clothes of Dudley's and Dudley was about four times bigger than he was.

Sirius - That's odd. With me it's usually that they're smaller than me. Even the clothes.
James - You just grow too fast.

Harry had a thin face, knobbly knees, black hair and bright-green eyes.

Remus - Aside from the eyes, it sounds like he looks just like his father...
Peter - Poor boy. *whacked by James*

He wore round glasses held together with a lot of Sellotape because of all the times Dudley had punched him on the nose.

James - Just use magic to fix 'em.
Remus - They're Muggles. And I don't think he knows he's a wizard.

The only thing Harry liked about his own appearance was a very thin scar on his forehead which was shaped like a bolt of lightning. He had had it as long as he could remember and the first question he could ever remember asking Aunt Petunia was how he had got it.
'In the car crash when your parents died,' she had said.

James - I thought Voldemort killed me?
Remus - He did. She's covering up.

'And don't ask questions.'
Don't ask questions - that was the first rule for a quiet life with the Dursleys.

Sirius - A quiet life? A boring life!

Uncle Vernon entered the kitchen as Harry was turning over the bacon.
'Comb your hair!' he barked, by way of a morning greeting.

James - (partly as Harry) It grows this way!

About once a week, Uncle Vernon looked over the top of his newspaper and shouted that Harry needed a haircut. Harry must have had more haircuts than the rest of the boys in his class put together, but it made no difference, his hair simply grew that way - all over the place.

James - Yes! (to the others) You see? You see? My son agrees with me! It grows that way!

Harry was frying eggs by the time Dudley arrived in the kitchen with his mother. Dudley looked a lot like Uncle Vernon.

Peter - Like father like son again, huh?

He had a large, pink face, not much neck, small, watery blue eyes and thick, blond hair that lay smoothly on his thick, fat head.

Sirius - Just hearing that makes me want to punch him.
Peter - Why not hex him?
Sirius - You get much more satisfaction with a punch.

Aunt Petunia often said that Dudley looked like a baby angel - Harry often said that Dudley looked like a pig in a wig.

Remus - James, I think I like your son.
James - Me too.

Harry put the plates on the table, which was difficult as there wasn't much room. Dudley, meanwhile, was counting his presents. His face fell.

Peter - Over a cliff, making the world a much more beautiful place.

'Thirty-six,' he said, looking up at his mother and father. 'That's two less than last year.'

Remus - Whose turn is it to say it?
Peter - Sirius'.
Remus - (to Sirius) Go on then.
Sirius - Spoilt brat.

'Darling, you haven't counted Auntie Marge's present, see, it's here under this big one from Mummy and Daddy.'
'All right, thirty-seven then,' said Dudley, going red in the face - Harry, who could see a huge Dudley tantrum coming on,

Peter - Oh my God. How old is this boy?
Remus - Ten or eleven. Probably eleven now.

began wolfing down his bacon

Remus - That's unfair. Wolves are actually quite picky about their food. Granted, they eat fast...
Sirius - ...and have been known to stuff whole sausages into their human mouths before now...
Remus - I'd been playing Quidditch! I was hungry!

as fast as possible in case Dudley turned the table over.
Aunt Petunia obviously scented danger too,

Peter - She's a vampire werewolf as well! AAAAAHHHHH!
Remus/James - *glare*

because she said quickly: 'And we'll buy you another two presents while we're out today. How's that, popkin? Two more presents. Is that all right?'
Dudley thought for a moment. It looked like hard work. Finally he said slowly: 'So I'll have thirty... thirty...'

Remus - And to crown it all, he can't count. Sheesh.
Sirius - Big, fat, lazy, spoilt and stupid. What a wonderful child.
Peter - Don't forget he's a bully.
Sirius - And that.

'Thirty-nine, sweetums,' said Aunt Petunia.

All - THIRTY-NINE PRESENTS?!?

'Oh.' Dudley sat down heavily and grabbed the nearest parcel. 'All right then.'

Sirius - All right? He's got thirty-nine bloody birthday presents and he says all right?
James - Spoilt brat.

Uncle Vernon chuckled.
'Little tyke wants his money's worth, just like his father. 'Atta boy, Dudley!' He ruffled Dudley's hair.

Remus - Gosh, I wonder how he became so spoilt...
Sirius - And fat, and lazy, and stupid...
Peter - And a bully...
Sirius - And that.

At that moment the telephone rang and Aunt Petunia went to answer it while Harry and Uncle Vernon watched Dudley unwrap the racing bike, a cine-camera, a remote control aeroplane, sixteen new computer games

Peter - There is no way he is going to fit all of those onto one computer.
James - How do you know?
Peter - Half Muggle, remember?
James - Oh yeah...

and a video recorder. He was ripping the paper off a gold wristwatch when Aunt Petunia came back from the telephone looking both angry and worried.

James - She just discovered that I'm alive and about to come kick her ass?
Sirius - You wish.

'Bad news, Vernon,' she said. 'Mrs Figg's broken her leg. She can't take him.' She jerked her head in Harry's direction.

Peter - Him? Who's him? The dog?
Sirius - No, the boy. The small, thin one. He was once called Harry.

Dudley's mouth fell open in horror but Harry's heart gave a leap.

Remus - Onto a broomstick, and flew away with the rest of his body to start a new life somewhere he'd be appreciated.

Every year on Dudley's birthday his parents took him and a friend out for the day, to adventure parks, hamburger bars

Peter - How can you spend a whole day at a hamburger bar? All you do is eat!
James - Well, with Fatboy here, they probably can.

or the cinema. Every year, Harry was left behind with Mrs Figg, a mad old lady who lived two streets away.

James - I'll have you know, young man, that Mrs Arabella Figg is a very kind-hearted woman, taking you in on such notice!
Sirius - You sound just like your father, did you know?
James - *sticks his tongue out at Sirius*

Harry hated it there.

James - OK, I give in. He's right, she's crazy.

The whole house smelled of cabbage and Mrs Figg made him look at photographs of all the cats she'd ever owned.

James - I feel your pain, my son, I feel your pain... the woman's a rotten babysitter, and those cats are evil.

'Now what?' said Aunt Petunia, looking furiously at Harry as though he'd planned this.

Remus - Maybe he did.

Harry knew he ought to feel sorry that Mrs Figg had broken her leg, but it wasn't easy when he reminded himself it would be a whole year before he had to look at Tibbles, Snowy, Mr Paws and Tufty again.

James - Lessee now, Snowy just died... so next time I go it'll be Mr Paws clawing me to death? Great...

'We could phone Marge,' Uncle Vernon suggested.
'Don't be silly, Vernon, she hates the boy.'

Peter - So do you!

The Dursleys often spoke about Harry like this, as though he wasn't there - or rather, as though he was something very nasty that couldn't understand them, like a slug.

Sirius - Maybe he can't understand them. PISS, remember?
James - *splutters furiously*
Sirius/Remus/Peter - AAAAAAHHH! PISS!

'What about what's-her-name, your friend - Yvonne?'
'On holiday in Majorca,' snapped Aunt Petunia.

Remus - Oooh, Majorca!

'You could just leave me here,' Harry put in hopefully

Sirius - No chance.

(he'd be able to watch what he wanted on television for a change and maybe even have a go on Dudley's computer).
Aunt Petunia looked as though she'd just swallowed a lemon.

Peter - Good. She deserves it.

'And come back and find the house in ruins?' she snarled.
'I won't blow up the house,' said Harry,

James - Why not? You're the next generation of Marauders!
Remus - Oh, Lord.
Sirius - Yeah, go on! Blow up their damn house!
Remus - (to Peter) Maybe it's a good thing he was brought up by his aunt and uncle.
Peter - *nods*

but they weren't listening.
'I suppose we could take him to the zoo,' said Aunt Petunia slowly, '...and leave him in the car...'

James - When leaving animals in the car, a window must always be left open lest they suffocate.
Remus - Very impressive. Maybe you will make a good father some day.
Sirius - Yeah, but that's animals. What about kids?
Remus - Same rule applies.
Peter - Rules were made to be broken.
James - You want me to suffocate my own son?!?

'That car's new, he's not sitting in it alone...'

James - Why not? He can blow that up too.
Remus - *groans*

Dudley began to cry loudly.

Peter - Wimp.

In fact, he wasn't really crying,

Sirius - Then why did the book say he was crying?

it had been years since he'd really cried,

Remus - Maybe the author's a few years out?

but he knew that if he screwed up his face and wailed, his mother would give him anything he wanted.

Sirius - Ah, that explains it. Whose turn?
Peter - Remus'
Remus - Spoilt brat.

'Dinky Duddydums,

All - DINKY DUDDYDUMS! *collapse in hysterics*
Sirius - The 'Duddydums' alone is worthy of laughter.

don't cry,

James - Don't worry, he isn't.

Mummy won't let him spoil your special day!' she cried, flinging her arms around him.

Sirius - Great... melodrama. What more could we want?
James - How exactly is Harry meant to spoil his special day?

'I ... don't ... want ... him ... t-t-to come!' Dudley yelled between huge pretend sobs. 'He always sp-spoils everything!' He shot Harry a nasty grin through the gap in his mother's arms.

Peter - That boy is evil.
Remus - A Slytherin for sure.

Just then, the doorbell rang - 'Oh, Good Lord, they're here!' said Aunt Petunia frantically - and a moment later, Dudley's best friend, Piers Polkiss, walked in with his mother.

Remus - Mummy's boy.

Piers was a scrawny boy with a face like a rat.

Peter - Objection! You make that sound like a bad thing!
Sirius - Generally speaking, Pete, it is considered a bad thing.
Remus - Anyway, I'm just reading what it says here.

He was usually the one who held people's arms behind their backs while Dudley hit them.

James - Ohhhhh, it's Crabbe!
Peter - Or possibly Goyle.
James - Crabbe and Goyle, rolled into one big, stupid package. Pete? Run.
Peter - Don't worry, I intend to.

Dudley stopped pretending to cry at once.

Sirius - Ah-ha! We've found his weak spot!

Half an hour later, Harry, who couldn't believe his luck,

Remus - Luck can't hold out forever. Take safety precautions while you are still lucky, for the time when you are not lucky.
James - God, you're such a pessimist!
Remus - I'm safer as a pessimist.

was sitting in the back of the Dursley's car with Piers and Dudley,

Peter - He calls that lucky? I don't...

on the way to the zoo for the first time in his life.

Peter - Ah, that's what's lucky...

His aunt and uncle hadn't been able to think of anything else to do with him,

Sirius - That's often the way.

but before they'd left, Uncle Vernon had taken Harry aside.
'I'm warning you,' he had said, putting his large purple face right up close to Harry's,

James - For some reason, the image called to mind is that of a very large beetroot.
Remus - Mmm... I can see what you mean...

'I'm warning you now, boy - any funny business, anything at all - and you'll be in that cupboard from now until Christmas.'

James - Charming!
Peter - Sounds kinda like my dad. Anti-magic and anti-magical pranks...
Remus - I don't know how your poor mother puts up with him.
Peter - Neither do I.

'I'm not going to do anything, said Harry, 'honestly...'

Sirius - Ah, we all say that!
James - Yeah, but he means it.

But Uncle Vernon didn't believe him. No one ever did.

Sirius - So who says he means it?
James - Uhm...

The problem was, strange things often happened around Harry and it was just no good telling the Dursleys he didn't make them happen.

Peter - If this is magic things, he probably does.

Once, Aunt Petunia, tired of Harry coming back from the barbers looking as though he hadn't been at all, had taken a pair of kitchen scissors and cut his hair so short he was almost bald

James - Please, God, don't let my mother get hold of this book...

except for his fringe, which she left 'to hide that horrible scar'.

Sirius/Remus/Peter - *look at James, then burst out laughing*
James - I'm sure he doesn't look that much like me...

Dudley had laughed himself silly at Harry,

Sirius/Peter - *still laughing uncontrollably. Remus has managed to stop*

who spent a sleepless night imagining school the next day, where he was already laughed at for his baggy clothes and sellotaped glasses. Next morning, however, he had got up to find his hair exactly as it had been before Aunt Petunia had sheared it off.

Peter - *finally stops laughing* Cool! Hair-growth!
Remus - *scowls* It's not that good. Growing it back is one thing, but shaving your ears every morning is quite another...

He had been given a week in his cupboard for this, even though he tried to explain that he couldn't explain how it had grown back so quickly.

Peter - Like I said, magic.
James - Sirius, will you kindly stop laughing now?
Sirius - *attempts to stop, but catches sight of James and starts laughing again*

Another time, Aunt Petunia had been trying to force him into a revolting old jumper of Dudley's (brown with orange bobbles).

All - (even Sirius!) Euk!

The harder she tried to pull it over his head the smaller it seemed to become, until finally it might have fitted a glove puppet, but certainly wouldn't fit Harry.

Sirius - But, logically, if at the beginning it was too big for him, then at some point along the way it must have been just the right size...

Aunt Petunia had decided it must have shrunk in the wash and, to his great relief, Harry wasn't punished.

James - His aunt, not exactly bright, is she?
Remus - Nup.

On the other hand, he'd got into terrible trouble for being found on the roof of the school kitchens. Dudley's gang had been chasing him as usual

James - Fight back! You'll lose, but at least you'll have made a stand!

when, as much to Harry's surprise as anyone else's, there he was sitting on the chimney.

Remus - Hold on... that's Apparition, isn't it?
James - *faints*
Peter - Oh dear...

The Dursleys had received a very angry letter from Harry's headmistress telling them Harry had been climbing school buildings. But all he'd tried to do (as he shouted at Uncle Vernon through the locked door of his cupboard) was jump behind the big bins outside the kitchen doors.

Remus - Still Apparition...

Harry supposed the wind must have caught him in mid-jump.

Peter - Wrongo!

But today, nothing was going to go wrong.

James - (having been revived by Sirius) Famous last words...

It was even worth being with Dudley and Piers to be spending the day somewhere that wasn't school, his cupboard or Mrs Figg's cabbage-smelling living-room.

Sirius - Small world.

While he drove, Uncle Vernon complained to Aunt Petunia. He liked to complain about things:

Remus - We established that in Chapter 1.

people at work, Harry, the council, Harry, the bank and Harry were just a few of his favourite subjects.

Peter - He appears to enjoy complaining about Harry.
James - Somehow, I'm not surprised.

This morning, it was motorbikes.
'... roaring along like maniacs, the young hoodlums,' he said, as a motorbike overtook them.

Sirius - Hey! I'm not a maniac!
James/Remus/Peter - *suddenly have huge coughing fits*
Sirius - OI!

'I had a dream about a motorbike,' said Harry, remembering suddenly. 'It was flying.'

Sirius - Hiya, Harry!

Uncle Vernon nearly crashed into the car in front. He turned right around in his seat and yelled at Harry, his face like a gigantic beetroot with a moustache:

Remus - *shudders* That image will haunt me forever now... a giant beetroot with a moustache...

'MOTORBIKES DON'T FLY!'

Sirius - Yes they do!

Dudley and Piers sniggered.

James - Those two get more like Crabbe and Goyle every minute.

'I know they don't,' said Harry. 'It was only a dream.'
But he wished he hadn't said anything. If there was one thing the Dursleys hated even more than his asking questions, it was his talking about anything acting in a way it shouldn't, no matter if it was in a dream or even a cartoon - they seemed to think he might get dangerous ideas.

Sirius - Dangerous? They're not dangerous! I get most of my best ideas from dreams!
Remus - Maybe that's why these two keep Harry away from dreams and cartoons...
Peter - *nods*

It was a very sunny Saturday and the zoo was crowded with families.

James - What about individuals? That's a stereotype!

The Dursleys bought Dudley and Piers large chocolate ice-creams at the entrance and then, because the smiling lady in the van had asked Harry what he wanted before they could hurry him away, they bought him a cheap lemon ice lolly.

James - When I meet my fiancee, I am going to kick her sister's butt in advance.

It wasn't bad either, Harry thought, licking it as they watched a gorilla scratching its head and looking remarkably like Dudley, except that it wasn't blond.

Peter - Somehow, that seems to be a remarkably apt description.
Sirius - Well, we've already established that we like Harry.

Harry had the best morning he'd had in a long time.

Remus - Notice the wording. The best morning he'd had, and they're out for the day . So what happens in the afternoon?

He was careful to walk a little way apart from the Dursleys so that Dudley and Piers, who were starting to get bored with the animals by lunch-time, wouldn't fall back on their favourite hobby of hitting him.

James - Sensible boy.

They ate in the zoo restaurant and when Dudley had a tantrum because his knickerbocker glory wasn't big enough,

Peter - Spoilt brat.

Uncle Vernon bought him another one and Harry was allowed to finish the first.

Sirius - Because nobody else wanted to eat Dudley's spit.
James/Remus/Peter - Eww...

Harry felt, afterwards, that it was all too good to last.

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