Marauder MST - The Philosopher's (Sorceror's) Stone

Harry Potter And The Philosopher's (Sorceror's) Stone - MSTed!
By Admiral Albia

Chapter One; The Boy Who Lived - Part 2
//The rumour is that Lily and James Potter are - are - that they're - dead.'//

The Marauders sat in shocked silence for almost two minutes, something which their teachers would have considered a miracle. Then, slowly, Sirius said, "Read that again, Moony." Remus obliged, if only because looking at the book meant he didn't have to see his friend's face. Then, with a sigh, and a suppressed 'I warned you', he began to close the book.
"Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Sirius glared at Remus. "You'll lose our place!"
"Sorry... I didn't think you'd want to carry on..."
"Are you kidding? This is only chapter one! There's a whole book to read! Get on with it!"
"Yeah!" Peter joined in. "We want to know what happens next!" Remus grinned to himself as he opened the book. At this rate, they'd both be bookworms before James came back.

The rumour is that Lily and James Potter are - are - that they're - dead.'
Dumbledore bowed his head. Professor McGonagall gasped.

Peter - Siri's crying.
Sirius - *with his face hidden in a pillow* Am NOT!
Remus - Are you two sure you want to-
Sirius/Peter - CARRY ON!

'Lily and James ... I can't believe it ... I didn't want to believe it ... Oh, Albus ...'
Dumbledore reached out and patted her on the shoulder. 'I know ... I know ...' he said heavily.

Sirius - *is now sobbing audibly into Remus' pillow, while Peter tries unsuccessfully to comfort him*

Professor McGonagall's voice trembled as she went on: 'That's not all. They're saying he tried to kill the Potters' son, Harry.

Remus - Oh, so that's what the rumours were about.
Sirius - (beginning to calm down) They had a son?
Peter - Apparently. Or will have.

But - he couldn't. He couldn't kill that little boy. No one knows why,

Sirius - Speaking from experience, cute little boys have a high survival rate.
Peter - Yeah, the Aurors picked you up, didn't they?
Sirius - Uh... not exactly. More like tore me away from my mother at the last minute, as they suddenly realised what the lump under her robes was...
Remus - Uh... could I carry on? I'm interested in this.
Sirius/Peter - Me too!

or how, but they're saying that when he couldn't kill Harry Potter, Voldemort's power somehow broke - and that's why he's gone.

Remus - Oh, that's... sorta OK. At least James dies for a good cause.
Sirius - *suddenly furious* NOBODY DESERVES TO DIE LIKE THAT!
Remus - (hastily) I know... I'm sorry... that's not what I... really... look, I'll carry on, shall I? Just... please, don't get angry, you're dangerous when you get angry... (to Peter) And we don't have James here to calm him down, either.
Peter - *nods and eyes Sirius unhappily*

Dumbledore nodded glumly.
'It's - it's true ?' faltered Professor McGonagall. 'After all he's done... all the people he's killed...

Sirius - *hits the wall, creating a visible dent*
Remus - Sirius, I know you're mad, but please don't knock my bedroom wall down.

he couldn't kill a little boy? It's just astounding... of all the things to stop him... but how in the name of heaven did Harry survive?'

Remus - That's what I'd like to know.

It was at this point that the door to Remus' bedroom swung open to reveal his mother, who had someone behind her but was mainly concerned about the dent in the wall. Explaining that Sirius had lost his temper at a book was made harder by the fact that Remus could not mention the fact that the book was from the future, nor what in it had made Sirius so upset. Eventually his mother gave up, magically fixed the wall and stormed off, leaving the figure behind her exposed.
"JAMES! I thought you wouldn't be back for weeks!"
"Yeah, well, I got bored and then Mum realised that Alyssa could get it, so she decided to send me to people who have such strong immunities that it's unbelievable." James glared pointedly at Sirius, though this did not have the desired effect as his best friend was currently attempting to strangle Remus' ancient teddy. "What's up with him?"
A quick explanation was given, and James went to calm Sirius down while Remus continued reading.

'We can only guess,' said Dumbledore. 'We may never know.'

Remus - Oh, typical.
Peter - *stares in amazement at James, who is whispering to a much-calmed Sirius in the corner* How does he do that?
Remus - We can only guess. We may never know.
James - *waves from the corner* Hello, Mr Dumbledore!

Professor McGonagall pulled out a lace handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes beneath her spectacles. Dumbledore gave a great sniff as he

James - Began to catch cold. Honestly, don't these people have anything better to do than to cry over me?
Sirius - No.
Peter - McGonagall sat on a wall all day, just for this conversation.
James - ...But she hates me!
Remus - Apparently, she doesn't. Or maybe she's crying over your wife. Lily.
James - Whoa. HOLD IT.
Remus - James, I doubt it's THAT Lily. Come on, what are the chances you'll fall in love with her ? It's a pretty common name.
James/Sirius/Peter - Phew.

took a golden watch from his pocket and examined it. It was a very odd watch. It had twelve hands but no numbers; instead, little planets were moving around the edge.

Remus - It's a lunar watch. What's so odd about that?
Sirius - Says Mr. Werewolf.
Remus - *sticks his tongue out at Sirius*

It must have made sense to Dumbledore, though, because he put it back in his pocket and said, 'Hagrid's late.

James - He's trusting my son to Hagrid? Oh, dear.
Sirius - Hagrid's very good with babies.
James - Yeah, providing they have fangs.
Peter - Well, you never know... *is hit with a pillow wielded by James*

I suppose it was he who told you I'd be here, by the way?'

Peter - She doesn't need people to tell her, she just follows her trouble-sensor.

'Yes,' aid Professor McGonagall. 'And I don't suppose you're going to tell me why you're here, of all places?'
'I've come to bring Harry to his aunt and uncle.

James - Oh. My. God.
Sirius - (smugly) I told you the Dursley person would've seen his nephew by the next day.

They're the only family he has left now.'

James - Oh, that's comforting. My dad's already gone and now I'm told my mum's not going to last much longer? Wonderful.
Sirius - What about Alyssa?
James - Oh, she can die. I'm not too worried about her. (seeing Sirius about to explode) Kidding!

'You don't mean - you can't mean the people who live here ?' cried Professor McGonagall, jumping to her feet and pointing at number four. 'Dumbledore - you can't. I've been watching them all day.

Peter/Sirius - *suddenly collapse in giggles*
James - Is something going on I don't know about?
Remus - *groans* Yes. And you don't want to know about it, either.
*Peter whispers in James' ear*
James - *collapses in giggles*

You couldn't find two people who are less like us.

Sirius - My mother... and my father. There you go.
James - Snape... and Lily Evans.
Peter - Crabbe... and Goyle.

And they've got this son - I saw him kicking his mother all the way up the street, screaming for sweets.

Remus - Spoilt little brat.

Harry Potter come and live here!'

James - For once, Professor, I agree with you.
Sirius - Something I don't understand. Why are they making so much fuss? Normally they just dump the kid on the first name that comes out of the hat.
Peter - Well, he did just defeat You-Know-Who. Maybe that accounts for something.

'It's the best place for him,' said Dumbledore firmly.

James - Yeah, right.

'His aunt and uncle will be able to explain everything to him when he's older. I've written them a letter.'

Sirius - He really does put too much faith in people, doesn't he?
James - G.
Peter - Huh?
James - The letter. It's probably G.
Sirius - Or P. Could be P.
Remus - James, Sirius, give me your prescriptions now.
James/Sirius - What prescriptions?

'A letter?' repeated Professor McGonagall faintly, sitting back down on the wall. 'Really, Dumbledore, you think you can explain all this in a letter?

Sirius - (as Dumbledore) Yes, Minerva, because it is a magical letter. I wrote it. Now go and plan a Transfiguration class or something useful like that.

These people will never understand him!

Sirius - Ah, it's the famous Potter Incoherency in Speech Syndrome. PISS for short.
James - *splutters furiously*
Peter - Oh no! It's struck James down!
Remus - Prongs! Speak to us!
Sirius - (sadly) It's no good, guys. He's a goner. Completely and utterly PISSed. *whacked by James*

He'll be famous - a legend - I wouldn't be surprised if today was known as Harry Potter day in the future - there will be books written about Harry -

Remus - Like this one, you mean?
Peter - Probably.

every child in our world will know his name!'

Sirius - He won't have any problem with amnesia then.

'Exactly,' said Dumbledore, looking very seriously over the top of his half-moon glasses. 'It would be enough to turn any boy's head.'

Sirius/James - *turn their heads to the right in perfect unison*
Remus - Prescriptions. Now.
James/Sirius - What prescriptions?

Famous before he can walk and talk! Famous for something he won't even remember! Can't you see how much better off he'll be, growing up away from all that until he's ready to take it?'

James - No. Not if it means him living with them .
Sirius - Take it where?
Peter - I dunno. The North Pole maybe? Or Diagon Alley?

Professor McGonagall opened her mouth, changed her mind,

Peter - McGonagall never changes her mind.

swallowed and then said, 'Yes - yes, you're right, of course. But how is the boy getting here, Dumbledore?' She eyed his cloak suddenly as though

Sirius - She had been looking for an excuse to eye him up for a very long time.
Remus - Euck!
James - Good one! *he and Sirius high-five*

she thought he might be hiding Harry underneath it.

Peter - Along with the Condom Charm?
Sirius - Peter! We've been through this. He's already got it on.
Peter - It's still under his cloak though, isn't it?
James - Remus, carry on. Protect my son's virgin eyes.
Sirius - How do you know he's a virgin?
Remus - He's a baby.

'Hagrid's bringing him.'

James - Evidently Dumbledore wants my family to die out.

'You think it - wise - to trust Hagrid with something as important as this?'

James - No.

'I would trust Hagrid with my life,' said Dumbledore.

Peter - No offence, Mr Dumbledore, but your life probably won't be that long. Especially if he's looking after you and that bloody chimaera at the same time.
Sirius - I like Cutesie.
James - (patiently) Sirius, it's a giant, monstrous, killing machine. With legs.
Sirius - Maybe, but it's a cute giant monstrous killing machine with legs.
All - *give up*

'I'm not saying his heart isn't in the right place,' said Professor McGonagall grudgingly,

Peter - Well duh. Where else would it be?
Remus - I dunno. He's not completely human, so maybe it's naturally not in the right place.
James - (surprised) He's not completely human? What is he then?
Remus - *blushes* I'm not telling.

'but you can't pretend he's not careless. He does tend to -

Peter - Get drunk, try to do magic, set his hut on fire and call Remus 'Fido'.
Remus - *scowls*

what was that?'

James - A very drunk, very large man 'accidentally' murdering my son perhaps?

A low rumbling sound had broken the silence around them. It

Sirius - Was caused by Dumbledore's not having eaten anything but sherbert lemons all day. He was hungry.
Peter - Actually, sherbert lemons are quite filling.
Remus - Ah-ha! So it is you who eats in class!
Peter - I never said that!

grew steadily louder as they looked up and down the street for some sign of a headlight; it swelled to a roar as they both looked up at the sky - and

James - Dumbledore gave an almighty burp, completely wrecking his dignity.

a huge motorbike fell out of the air and landed on the road in front of them.

Sirius - Hey, that's a good idea. (dreamily) A flying motorbike...
Remus - Oh no.

If the motorbike was huge, it was nothing to the man sitting astride it. He was almost twice as tall as a normal man

Peter - Twenty times the size of Professor Flitwick-

and at least five times as wide. He looked simply too big to be allowed, and so wild - long tangles of bushy black hair and beard hid most of his face, he had hands the size of dustbin lids and his feet in their leather boots were like baby dolphins. In his vast, muscular arms he was holding a bundle of blankets.

James - My boy'd better be alive in there!
Sirius - How do you know it's your baby? It could be Cutesie.
James - *tries to hit Sirius on the head, but misses because he's too short*

'Hagrid,' said Dumbledore, sounding relieved.

Peter - That the huge man wasn't drunk yet.

'At last. And where did you get that motorbike?'

Remus - I don't really want to know. Sirius would only try to get one.
Sirius - *nods emphatically*

'Borrowed it, Professor Dumbledore, sir,' said the giant, climbing carefully off the motorbike as he spoke. 'Young Sirius Black lent it me.

Remus - NOOOOOOOOO!
Sirius - YESSSSSSSS!
James - Well, it's nice to know Sirius is trying to help, after presumeably getting there too late...
Sirius - Yeah, sorry about that. (to Remus and Peter) And where are you two?
Remus/Peter - Dunno.
Remus - Maybe we'll find out if we keep reading.

I've got him, sir.'

James - Who? Cutesie or Harry?
Sirius - Maybe it's both. Cutesie is usually calmer after a meal... *James whacks him with a pillow*

'No problems, were there?'

James - (as Hagrid) No, sir. Jus' the Death Eaters an' the three bodies to deal with. They almost killed me but I got away, sir.

'No, sir - house was almost destroyed but I got him out all right before the Muggles started swarmin' round. He fell asleep as we was flyin' over Bristol.'

James - Phew, he's OK. I'm happy now.

Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall bent forward over the bundle of blankets. Inside, just visible, was a

Sirius - Baby werewolf. 'Oops', Hagrid said, 'Must've gone to the wrong Marauder's house. Sorry!'
Peter - 'No, no,' Dumbledore reassured him. 'That's Harry. Remember, the accident in the hospital?'
Remus/James - *glare*

baby boy, fast asleep. Under a tuft of jet-black hair

Peter - Which was sticking up at odd angles-
James - It's hereditary I tell you! Blame my dad!

over his forehead they could see a curiously-shaped cut, like a bolt of lightning.

Sirius - James? Have you been tattooing your kids again?
James - It says cut.
Remus - James? Have you been knifing your kids again?

'Is that where -?' whispered Professor McGonagall.
'Yes', said Dumbledore. 'He'll have that scar forever.'

James - I claim innocence on the basis that I haven't done it yet.
Sirius - Hey, that's an idea. Next time McGonagall accuses us of holding a Dungbomb we'll just say we haven't set it off yet, and-
Remus - She'll hang around until we do set it off, then give us detention. Great idea, Sirius.
Sirius - Rats.
Peter - You called?

'Couldn't you do something about it, Dumbledore?'
'Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in useful. I have one myself above my left knee which is a perfect map of the London Underground.

Peter - The things you can learn about your teachers when they don't know you're listening.
James - Yeah... Like Snigwin and McGonagall both have a crush on-
Sirius - Dumbledore.
James - No, Cornelius Fudge. Remember?
Sirius - Oh yeah.... *shudders* Worst revelation of my life, that was. I mean, Fudge?
Remus - Well, Mrs Fudge seems to like him.
Sirius - Yeah, but Mrs Fudge is weird anyway, isn't she?

Well - give him here, Hagrid - we'd better get this over with.
Dumbledore took Harry in his arms and turned towards the Dursleys' house.

James - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Sirius - He'll hate it! If it's anything like the foster homes they've sent me to, he'll be really miserable!
Remus - They're horrible!
Peter - Errr... what they said.

'Could I - could I say goodbye to him, sir?' asked Hagrid.
He bent his great, shaggy head over Harry and gave what must have been a very scratchy, whiskery kiss.

Peter - Like Remus' kids are sure to get.
Remus - That's not a kiss , it's a lick.

Then, suddenly, Hagrid let out a howl like a wounded dog.

Sirius/Remus - AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
James - If I live long enough, I'm suing the author for writing that line!
Peter - Me too!

'Shhh!' hissed Professor McGonagall, 'you'll wake the Muggles!'

Peter - Yes, you two, you'll wake the Muggles!
Sirius - It's mid-afternoon.
James - Well, you'll terrify them.

'S-s-sorry,' sobbed Hagrid, taking out a large spotted handkerchief and burying his face in it. 'But I c-c-can't stand it - Lily an' James dead -

James - Every time Remus reads that I get this feeling that I probably should not go back to school.
Remus - James, believe me, it's not that Lily.

an' poor little Harry off ter live with Muggles -'
'Yes, yes, it's all very sad, but get a grip on yourself, Hagrid, or we'll be found,' Professor McGonagall whispered, patting Hagrid gingerly on the arm as Dumbledore stepped over the low garden wall

Sirius - Mr Dumbledore, there's this thing called a gate. You open it and it lets you get to the garden path. It's a novel idea, I know, but surely if a Death Eater can understand the concept you can at least try?
Remus - Death Eaters use the gate?
Sirius - Sure. And they knock. It's so much easier to get people to come out if you seem to be friendly, you see.
Peter - That makes sense...

and walked to the front door. He laid Harry gently on the doorstep,

James - Aren't you at least going to give him to the people living there? He could die on that doorstep!
Sirius - Maybe that's the idea. After all, they entrusted him to Hagrid, didn't they?

took a letter out of his cloak, tucked it inside Harry's blankets and then came back to the other two.

Peter - Who were now both crying openly and noisily, and waking the Muggles.

For a full minute the three of them stood and looked at the little bundle;

Remus - Why? Were they expecting it to leap up and attack them or something?

Hagrid's shoulders shook, Professor McGonagall blinked furiously and the twinkling light that usually shone in Dumbledore's eyes seemed to have gone out.

Sirius - With a little pervert.
Peter - With a little Charms teacher.
Remus - With a little pop.
James - He used a Put-Outer on his eyes?

'Well,' said Dumbledore finally, 'that's that. We've no business staying here. We may as well go and join the celebrations.'

James - Ding, dong, the Potters are dead? Oh, that's nice.
Remus - How about ding, dong, Voldemort's dead?
Peter - I can promise you that when this happens, we three will not be celebrating.
Sirius - No. I'll be hunting down the Death Eaters who murdered you.
James - Well, that's... comforting...

'Yeah,' said Hagrid in a very muffled voice, 'I'll be takin' Sirius his bike back. G'night, Professor McGonagall - Professor Dumbledore, sir.'

Sirius - Thanks. Just leave it in the garage while I kill off these Death Eaters, would you?

Wiping his streaming eyes on his jacket sleeve, Hagrid swung himself onto the motorbike and kicked the engine into life; with a roar it rose into the air and off into the night.
'I shall see you soon, I expect, Professor McGonagall,' said Dumbledore, nodding to her. Professor McGonagall blew her nose in reply.

Remus - Very soon. The school year's already started.

Dumbledore turned and walked back down the street. On the corner he stopped and took out the silver Put-Outer. He clicked it once and twelve balls of light sped back to their street lamps so Privet Drive glowed suddenly orange and he could make out a tabby cat slinking around the corner at the other end of the street.

Remus - Cat! Get the cat!
Sirius - Cat? Where cat! Get cat!
James - We've lost them.
Peter - *nods*

He could just see the bundle of blankets on the step of number four.
'Good luck, Harry,' he murmured.

Peter - He'll need it.
James - Sirius, Remus, there are no cats here! Stop it!
Sirius- No cats?
Remus - There can't be no cats!

He turned on his heel and with a swish of his cloak he was gone.
A breeze ruffled the hedges of Privet Drive, which lay silent and tidy under the inky sky, the very last place you would expect astonishing things to happen.

Peter - Oh, I don't know. With a baby wizard around, something's bound to happen soon.
Sirius - Especially with a Potter around. Exploding teapot anyone?
James - Oh, shut up about the teapot!
Remus - Did you blow it up again then?
James - *scowls*

Harry Potter rolled over

Sirius - And fell off the doorstep, breaking every bone in his delicate little body. The end. *whacked by James*

inside his blankets without waking up. One small hand closed on the letter beside him and he slept on, not knowing he was special, not knowing he was famous, not knowing he would be woken in a few hours' time by Mrs Dursley's scream

James - Oh, well that's nice, isn't it?
Remus - Not, in fact, knowing anything on account of being a baby...

as she opened the front door to put out the milk bottles, nor that he would spend the next few weeks being prodded and pinched by his cousin Dudley...

Sirius - See? See? I told you he wouldn't like it!

he couldn't know that at this very moment, people meeting in secret all over the country were holding up their glasses and saying in hushed voices: 'To Harry Potter - the boy who lived!'

Peter - Aww, that's nice.
James - None of them care about me, do they?
Remus - We do.
Peter - Yeah, Siri cried when we found out you'd died.
Sirius - DID NOT!

///