Marauder MST - The Philosopher's (Sorceror's) Stone

Harry Potter And The Philosopher's (Sorceror's) Stone - MSTed!
By Admiral Albia

Chapter One; The Boy Who Lived - Part 1
"I'm bored," Sirius said.
"We know," Remus replied, "You've only told us thirty times."
"Is that all? I must be losing my touch. I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored..."
"We know!"
"STOP YELLING UP THERE!" Remus' mother screamed, making her favourite son cover his ears in pain.
"WE'RE BORED!" Peter yelled down. Remus stuck his head under the pillow.
"THEN DO SOMETHING USEFUL!"
"Will you all please shut up? I'm getting a headache!"
The reason the three boys were bored was simple; all Remus' plans for the holidays had been made for four. That'd been before James went down with Asian flu, thus rendering him unable to come and the other three stuck at Remus' with nothing to do except annoy his mother and tease him about the cage in the basement.
"Hey, what's this?" Peter, who had for some inexplicable reason been under the bed, pulled out a book. It didn't look like it had ever been opened and indeed still had a price tag on it. The tag read £4.99.
"Oh, damn, it's doing it again," Remus said, throwing the pillows off and looking down. "I was playing around here last year and I opened some kind of time-hole under the bed. It's kinda good actually, there's some really great stuff you can get from the future."
"It just happens to be illegal," Sirius said.
"Yeah. So?"
"True... how true..."
"It's a Muggle book," Peter said. "Price-tag. Looks quite good." He showed them the title, which read Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone by J.K. Rowling.
"Weird," Sirius said. "What's it like?"
"Only one way to find out." With that, Remus took the book from Peter, seated himself in his favourite chair next to the bookcase, and opened the book. "Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin."

Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.

Sirius - (sarcastically) Well, this is going to be an exciting book.

They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense.

Peter - Sounds like McGonagall.
Remus - Nuh-uh. She believes in strange and mysterious things. She just doesn't believe that we didn't do them.
Peter - True.

Mr Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, which made

Sirius - Brooms?
Peter - Sweets?

drills.

Sirius/Peter - *boo*
Peter - Please not dentist's drills.
Remus - You'd need them, after all those sweets.

He was a big, beefy man with hardly any neck, although he did have a very large moustache.

Sirius - Until I was seven, I thought a moustache was a mouse with a sore leg.
Peter - That was completely irrelevant.
Sirius - Just thought I'd share it.

Mrs Dursley was thin and blonde and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck, which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time craning over garden fences, spying on the neighbours.

Remus - Sounds like Lily Evans.
Sirius - *shudders* I thought we agreed not to talk about her while we were on holiday?

The Dursleys had a small

Peter - Child.
Sirius - Frog.
Remus - Puppy.
Sirius - You wish!

*Remus tackles Sirius*

son

Peter - Hah!
Sirius - You said child. The book says son.
Peter - So? At least I got the species right!
Sirius - At least I got the gender right!
Peter/Remus - Huh?
Sirius - Well, it might have been a male frog!

called Dudley

All - DUDLEY! *burst out laughing*

and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere.

Sirius - *looks deeply sceptical*

The Dursleys had everything they wanted, but they also had a secret, and their greatest fear was that somebody would discover it.

Peter - Now, who in this room does that remind you of? *cough*Remus*cough*
Remus - Hey!

They didn't think they could bear it if anyone found out about the Potters.

Sirius - I used to feel that way too. Now I've learned to just stay away from him in public places.
Remus - I just stay away from him, period.
Peter - Especially when he's got Asian flu.
Remus - Or hyperactivity.
Peter - In that case, why do we hang around Sirius?
Remus - It's a mystery to me.
Sirius - Hey!

Mrs Potter was Mrs Dursley's sister,

Peter - Lily Evans has a sister.
Remus - So do I.
Sirius - And James. It's a common affliction.
Remus - Unfortunately.
Remus' sister (from next room) - I HEARD THAT!

but they hadn't met for several years; in fact, Mrs Dursley pretended she didn't have a sister, because her sister and her good-for-nothing husband were as unDursleyish as it was possible to be.

Peter - UnDursleyish? Is that a word?
Remus - *in a tone which suggests he's settling the matter* It's in a book.
Sirius - So was the phrase 'Severus Snape is a nice guy'.
Remus - Only because you put it there.
Sirius - ME?
Peter - You or someone else who signs Sirius Black. <
Sirius - I told you it wasn't me!
Remus - *sighs*

The Dursleys shuddered to think what the neighbours would say if the Potters arrived in the street.

Sirius - They'd say 'oh good, we can get new plates'.
Remus - That's not nice to James.
Sirius - Oh, so he's allowed to make fun of my name, but I'm not allowed to make fun of his?
Peter - Well, Sirius is a funny name. Potter isn't.
Sirius - *innocently* And neither's Pettigrew?
Peter - Hey! Don't diss my name! You're siriusly annoying me!
Sirius - Grrrrrrr.....

The Dursleys knew that the Potters had a small son too, but they had never seen him. This boy was another good reason for keeping the Potters away - they didn't want Dudley mixing with a boy like that.

Remus - Antisocial, aren't they?
Sirius - They're just trying to protect their son. They've probably realised that this Potter boy would tease him something awful about his name.
Peter - Yep. It's a siriusly awful name.
Sirius - Stop it!
Peter - *innocently* You said 'tease him about his name'...
Sirius - I didn't mean me!
Remus - Siriusly?
Sirius - Get-on-with-the-story!

When Mr and Mrs Dursley woke up on the dull, grey Tuesday our story starts, there was nothing about the cloudy sky

Peter - Yep. It's definitely set in England, this story.
Remus - Has to be. We're the only country in the world that has rain for nine months solid then a drought for the remaining three.

outside

Peter - Really? I thought the sky was inside!
Sirius - Never mind, Peter. If ever you need a brain, I'm here.
Remus - You're there in case he needs a brain?
Sirius - Hey!

to suggest that strange and mysterious things would soon be happening all over the country.

Peter - McGonagall would have a field day.
Remus - We'd get a whole year of detention.
Sirius - It wasn't me!
Remus - Us. It wasn't us.
Sirius - It wasn't us!

Mr Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work

Sirius - My dad used to do that.
Remus - What, you mean before he got arrested?
Sirius - Yeah.

and Mrs Dursley gossiped away happily as she wrestled a screaming Dudley into his highchair.

Peter - Did you used to do that?
Sirius - No. I was a good boy. Besides, if I screamed I might've got everyone killed. It's a high-risk job, Death Eating.
Remus - (sarcastically) No, really?
Peter - So what happened eventually? You know, to get everyone killed and/or arrested?
Sirius - *blushes* I wet myself.
Remus - Moving swiftly on...

None of them noticed a large tawny owl flutter past the window.

Sirius - They should notice?
Remus - Presumeably.
Peter - Since when did owls flutter? I thought they were silent!
Remus - That's at night. Apparently there's a different set of rules in the day.

At half-past eight, Mr Dursley picked up his briefcase, pecked Mrs Dursley on the cheek and tried to kiss Dudley goodbye but missed, because Dudley was now having a tantrum and throwing his cereal at the walls.

Sirius - *tuts* Kids of today...
Remus - We're kids of today.
Sirius - Exactly. Just think what we're like.
Remus/Peter - *shudder*

'Little tyke,' chortled Mr Dursley as he left the house.

Remus - Why do I get the feeling this kid's going to grow up spoilt?
Sirius - My father would never-
Peter - Yeah, but your father's a Death Eater. In Azkaban.
Sirius - That's a minor point.

He got into his car and backed out of number four's drive.

Sirius - Thrill a minute, this book, isn't it?
Remus - You should never judge a book by its cover.
Sirius - You're right. The cover made it look interesting.

It was on the corner of the street that he noticed the first sign of something peculiar - a cat reading a map.

Peter - McGonagall. She must've heard about those strange and mysterious goings on.
Sirius - Peter, how did you manage to make that sound suggestive?
Peter - It's a knack.
Sirius - So I've heard.
Remus - *shudders*

For a second, Mr Dursley didn't realise what he had seen -

Sirius/Peter - Eeeww!

then he jerked his head around to look again.

Remus - Keep your mental images to yourselves, please, boys.

There was a tabby cat standing on the corner of Privet Drive, but there wasn't a map in sight. What could he have been thinking of?

Sirius - I can guess.

It must have been a trick of the light.

Peter - And I'm the Queen of Sheba.
Sirius - Really? Can I enter your harem?
Peter - Huh?
Remus - Don't ask. Just... don't.

Mr Dursley blinked and stared at the cat. It stared back.

Peter - Has to be McGonagall.
Sirius - This story is fictional, McGonagall isn't. How can you tell, anyway?
Peter - The stare.

As Mr Dursley drove around the corner and up the road, he watched the cat in his mirror. It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive - no, looking at the sign; cats couldn't read maps or signs.

Peter - This one can.

Mr Dursley gave himself a little shake and put the cat out of his mind. As he drove towards town he thought of nothing except a large order of drills he was hoping to get that day.

Remus - Don't say it!
Sirius/Peter - *innocently* What?

But on the edge of town, drills were driven out of his mind by something else.

Remus - Shut up.
Sirius - We didn't say anything!
Remus - Let's keep it that way.

As he sat in the usual morning traffic jam, he couldn't help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of strangely dressed people about. People in cloaks.

Peter - Death Eaters!
Sirius - Mummy! Daddy!
Peter - I thought you didn't like your parents?
Sirius - I don't. But it's the principle of the thing...

Mr Dursley couldn't bear people who dressed in funny clothes -

Remus - This coming from a Muggle.
Sirius - This coming from a guy who's completely naked every full moon.
Peter - This coming from a guy who's descended from Death Eaters.
Remus - This coming from Peter...

*A three-way pillow fight ensues*

The get-ups you saw on young people!

Remus - I quite agree.
Sirius - You are a young person.
Remus - So? I can still agree.
Peter - That sounds like Sirius logic...
Remus - He's contagious! *backs away*
Sirius - Hey!

He supposed this was some stupid new fashion. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and his eyes fell on a

Sirius - This guy does have a dirty mind, doesn't he?
Remus - No, you have a dirty mind.

huddle of these weirdos standing quite close by. They were whispering excitedly together. Mr Dursley was enraged to see that a couple of them weren't young at all - why, that man had to be older than he was, and wearing an emerald-green cloak! The nerve of him!

Peter - Yeah, old people shouldn't be on the streets.
Remus - That's ageist.
Peter - I'm just simplifying what the guy in the story thought.
Sirius - *surprised* You mean there's a story?

But then it struck Mr Dursley that this was probably some silly stunt - these people were obviously collecting for something... yes, that would be it.

Peter - You have to pay for it now?
Remus - Come back, James, all is forgiven!

The traffic moved on and a few minutes later, Mr Dursley arrived in the Grunnings car park, his mind back on drills.

Sirius - Drills, again? This guy has no life.
Remus - *mutters* Well, at least he's not referring to you-know-what...
Sirius - You-Know-What? Is that some kind of genderless Voldemort?
Remus - Never mind.

Mr Dursley always sat with his back to the window in his office on the ninth floor.

Sirius - Exciting stuff.

If he hadn't, he might have found it harder to concentrate on drills that morning.

Peter - You can see a long way from the ninth floor.
Sirius - Especially with Omnioculars. And you can watch again... and again... and again...
Remus - Um, ew.

He didn't see the owls swooping past in broad daylight,

Peter - Owls mate in the air.
Sirius - Really?
Remus - Would you two like cold showers?
Sirius/Peter - No.

though people in the street did; they pointed and gazed open-mouthed as owl after owl sped overhead.

Remus - If you two even think it, I swear you will not live to see your next birthdays.

Most of them had never seen an owl even at night-time.

All - (despairingly) Muggles!

Mr Dursley, however, had a perfectly normal, owl-free morning. He yelled at five different people.

Sirius - You were right, Remus, he is antisocial.
Peter - What did they ever do to him?

He made several very important telephone calls and shouted a bit more. He was in a very good mood

Remus - He likes shouting?
Peter - Apparently.

until lunch-time, when he thought he'd

*Sirius and Peter collapse into helpless laughter*
Remus - Why me? Just answer that, Lord - WHY ME?

stretch his legs and walk across the road to buy himself a bun from the baker's opposite.

Sirius - A bun. How appropriate.
Remus - *gets up and starts to bang his head on the wall*

He'd forgotten all about the people in cloaks until he passed a group of them next to the baker's. He eyed them

Sirius - *opens mouth*
Remus - Thank you, Sirius.
Sirius - *closes mouth*

angrily as he passed. He didn't know why, but they made him uneasy.

Peter - He's just naturally antisocial.

This lot were whispering excitedly, too, and he couldn't see a single collecting tin. It was on his way back past them, clutching a large doughnut in a bag,

Peter - No wonder he's overweight.
Remus/Sirius - *suddenly have huge coughing fits*
Peter - Hey!

that he caught a few words of what they were saying.
'The Potters, that's right, that's what I heard-'

Sirius - They can buy some new plates at last.
Remus - I'll tell James you said that.

'-yes, their son, Harry -'

Sirius - Hmm. Harry Potter. Where does that seem familiar from?
Remus - *holds up the book so they can see the title with the words 'HARRY POTTER' written in huge letters across the top*
Sirius - Oh, yeah, that's where. I remember now.

Mr Dursley stopped dead. Fear flooded him.

Peter - I hope he can swim.
Sirius - (innocently) I understand fat floats.

He looked back at the whisperers as if he wanted to say something to them, but thought better of it.
He dashed back across the road, hurried up to his office, snapped at his secretary not to disturb him, seized his telephone and had almost finished dialling his home phone number before he thought better of it.

Peter - Twitchy, isn't he?
Remus - He obviously knows something we don't.
Sirius - Like why we're still reading this book?

He put the receiver back down and stroked his moustache,

Sirius - There's that mouse with the aching leg again.

thinking...

All - Wow!

no, he was being stupid.

Remus - How unusual.

Potter wasn't such an unusual name. He was sure there were lots of people called Potter who had a son called Harry.

Peter - Isn't it cute, the way he tries to reassure himself?
Sirius - Small world or what? We're only on page nine.

Come to think of it, he wasn't even sure his nephew was called Harry. He'd never even seen the boy.

Sirius - Somehow, I get the feeling he will have by the next day.

It might have been Harvey. Or Harold.

Sirius - (to Mr Dursley) Harold gets shortened to Harry, you twit!

There was no point in worrying Mrs Dursley,

Remus - He calls his wife Mrs Dursley. I smell friction...
Peter - Even your nose isn't that good.
Remus - *pretends he didn't hear*

she always got so upset at any mention of her sister.

Remus - Who doesn't?
Remus' sister (from next room) - HEY!

He didn't blame her - if he'd had a sister like that... but all the same, those people in cloaks...
He found it a lot harder to concentrate on drills that afternoon and when he left the building at five o'clock, he was still so worried that he walked straight into someone outside the door.

Peter - He's blind as well as antisocial.
Sirius - Maybe we should give him James' glasses.
Remus - Then how would James see?
Sirius - He wouldn't, that's the whole point.

'Sorry,' he grunted as the tiny old man

Remus - Why does the name 'Professor Flitwick' come to mind?
Sirius - Or 'James' grandfather'.
Peter - James' grandfather's pretty tall, isn't he?
Sirius - I've seen his childhood photos.

stumbled and almost fell. It was a few seconds before Mr Dursley realised that the man was wearing a violet cloak. He didn't seem at all upset at being almost knocked to the ground.

All - Weirdo.

On the contrary, his face split into a wide smile and he said in a squeaky voice that made passers-by stare:

Remus - Flitwick on helium. Has to be.

'Don't be sorry, my dear sir, for nothing could upset me today! Rejoice, for You-Know-Who has gone at last! Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating, this happy, happy day!'

Sirius - You sure he's only on helium?
Remus - Um, no.
Peter - I'm not too sure it is a Muggle book, actually. I mean... it's all so accurate... and I reckon people would celebrate like that if Voldemort went...

And the old man hugged Mr Dursley round the middle and walked off.

Sirius - I didn't know Flitwick was homosexual!
Remus - He is obviously drunk. Why do I even have to explain this?

Mr Dursley stood rooted to the spot. He had been hugged by a complete stranger. He also thought he had been called a Muggle, whatever that was.

Sirius - Why doesn't the Muggle know what a Muggle is?
Remus - Because he's a Muggle!

He was rattled. He hurried to his car and set off home, hoping he was imagining things, which he had never hoped before, because he didn't approve of imagination.

Peter - OK, I really do not like this guy.

As he pulled into the driveway of number four, the first thing he saw - and it didn't improve his mood - was the tabby cat he'd spotted that morning. It was now sitting on his garden wall.

Sirius - Cats do that.
Peter - So, apparently, does McGonagall.
Remus - For the last time, the cat is not McGonagall!
Peter - How much do you want to bet on that?
Sirius - Twenty Galleons.
Peter - You're on.

He was sure it was the same one; it had the same markings round its eyes.
'Shoo!' said Mr Dursley loudly.

Sirius - Oh yeah, like that works.

The cat didn't move. It just gave him a stern look.

Peter - I'm willing to go up to twenty-five on this.

Was this normal cat behaviour, Mr Dursley wondered.

Sirius - You don't have twenty-five Galleons.
Peter - No, but you do.
Sirius - It's-not-McGonagall!

Trying to pull himself together, he let himself into the house. He was still determined not to mention anything to his wife.

Remus - He will.

Mrs Dursley had had a nice, normal day.

Sirius - There's that suspense again!

She told him over dinner about Mrs Next Door's problems with her daughter and how Dudley had learnt a new word ('Shan't!'). Mr Dursley tried to act normally. When Dudley had been put to bed, he went into the living-room in time to catch the last report on the evening news.
'And finally, bird-watchers everywhere have reported that the nation's owls have been behaving very unusually today.

Remus - Uh-oh.
Sirius/Peter - *collapse in hysterics*

Although owls normally hunt at night and are hardly ever seen in daylight, there have been hundreds of sightings of these birds flying in all directions since sunrise. Experts are unable to explain why the owls have suddenly changed their sleeping pattern.'

Sirius - Not much good as experts, are they?
Peter - *sniggers*

The news reporter allowed himself a grin.

Peter - See, he knows more than the experts do!

'Most mysterious. And now, over to Jim McGuffin with the weather. Going to be any more showers of owls tonight, Jim?'
'Well, Ted,' said the weatherman, 'I don't know about that, but it's not only the owls that have been acting oddly today.

Sirius/Peter - *giggle helplessly*

Viewers as far apart as Kent, Yorkshire and Dundee have been phoning in to tell me that instead of the rain I promised yesterday, they've had a downpour of shooting stars!

All - Cool!

Perhaps people have been

Remus - Drinking.
Peter - Hallucinating.
Sirius - Taking James' medicine.
Remus - What do you know about that?
Sirius - I was staying there before I came here, remember?
Remus - Oh yeah.
Peter - *backs away from Sirius* He's contagious!
Sirius - Hey!

celebrating Bonfire Night early -

All - Boo.

it's not until next week, folks! But I can promise a wet night tonight.'

Peter - Muggle weathermen are nearly always wrong.

Mr Dursley sat frozen in his armchair.

Sirius - Thaw him out, quick!
Peter - Why?
Sirius - Good point.

Shooting stars all over Britain? Owls flying by daylight? And a whisper, a whisper about the Potters...

Remus - He must live near James.
Peter - Or Sirius.
Sirius - Or Remus.
Remus - No, James - they're all complaining about the Potters.
Sirius/Peter - Oh yeah.

Mrs Dursley came into the living-room carrying two cups of tea. It was no good. He'd have to say something to her. He cleared his throat nervously.

Remus - See, I told you there was friction in this household.

'Er - Petunia, dear - you haven't heard from your sister lately, have you?'

Peter - She doesn't have one.
Remus - Lucky woman.
Remus' sister (from next room) - MUM!

As he had expected, Mrs Dursley looked shocked and angry. After all, they normally pretended she didn't have a sister.

Remus - I'll have to try that one day.
Sirius - Why not tonight?
Remus - She'll be sharing the cage with me tonight, it's kinda hard.
Sirius - Oh yeah.

'No,' she said sharply. 'Why?'
'Funny stuff on the news,' Mr Dursley mumbled.

Peter - I'll bet he did!
Sirius - Both those news guys were male, weren't they?
All - *shudder*

'Owls ... shooting stars ... and there were a lot of funny-looking people in town today ...'

Remus - Anything you say will be told to James and used in evidence against you.
Sirius - How?
Remus - I'll think of something. Believe me, I'll think of something.

'So?' snapped Mrs Dursley.

Sirius - (as Uncle Vernon) So I was wondering if you wanted to join in the fun!
Remus - *throws pillow at Sirius' head*
Peter - *giggles uncontrollably*

'Well, I just thought ... maybe ... it was something to do with ... you know... her lot.'

Sirius - Nah, they just make plates. And possibly give Flitwick helium.
Peter - And pay McGonagall to sit on a wall.
Sirius/Remus - It's not McGonagall!

Mrs Dursley sipped her tea through pursed lips.

Sirius - How on Earth did she manage that one?
Peter - Dunno. Why, is it hard?
Sirius - Hard? It's *beep* impossible!
Remus - Have you tried?
Sirius - Yeah. That's how I know you can't do it. You can try drinking with your mouth closed, if you like, but I sure can't.
Peter - Ah, so that's why you slurp!
Sirius - Hey!

Mr Dursley wondered whether he dared tell her he'd heard the name 'Potter'. He decided he didn't dare.

Remus - There really is friction in this household.
Sirius - Not really. I'd be scared too, if I was related to James...
Remus/Peter - *suddenly have huge coughing fits*
Sirius - Hey!

Instead he said, as casually as he could, 'Their son - he'd be about Dudley's age now, wouldn't he?'

Peter - Bad move.

'I suppose so,' said Mrs Dursley stiffly.

Sirius - She's a board!
Remus - Um... Sirius... did you take your medication this morning?
Sirius - What makes you think I need medication?

'What's his name again? Howard, isn't it?'

Peter - What kind of idiot would name a child Howard?
Sirius - The same kind of idiot as would name a child Dudley.
Remus - Or Sirius.
Sirius - Or... hey!

'Harry. Nasty, common name, if you ask me.'

Sirius - Hah! At least I have an imaginative name!
Remus - Sirius, it means 'dog star'.
Sirius - Remus, you're named after some ancient Roman guy who was raised by wolves and got killed by his brother. And your sister's name means 'canine'...
Peter - No, his sister's name is Canine.
Remus' sister (still in next room) - IT'S CANINA!
Peter - Close.
Remus - And Peter means rock! It's in the Bible!
Sirius - So when Snape says 'thick as Peter' he's actually saying 'thick as rock'? Hmm, makes sense.
Peter - Hey!

'Oh yes,' said Mr Dursley, his heart sinking horribly. 'Yes, I quite agree.'

Peter - Can we assume that they will not be calling their next child Harry?
Sirius - It's highly unlikely, Rocky.
Remus - Hmm... Moony, Rocky, Padfoot and Prongs? Nah. Stick with Wormtail.
Peter - Yeah, dog star...
Sirius - I like Rocky. It suits him. *pats Peter on the head*
Peter - Stop it, I'm not James!

He didn't say another word on the subject as they went upstairs to bed.

Remus - Oh, no...
Sirius/Peter - *burst into laughter*

While Mrs Dursley was in the bathroom,

Sirius - What's she doing in the bathroom?
Peter - Whatever it is, it's nothing compared to what she'll do when she comes out.

Mr Dursley crept to the bedroom window and peered down into the front garden. The cat was still there.

Peter - *waves* Hello, Professor McGonagall!
Sirius/Remus - It's not McGonagall!

It was staring down Privet Drive as though it was waiting for something.

Peter - Ohhh, I know what it is! She thinks James is going to come and play a prank on the Dursley people so she's waiting to give him detention!
Remus - It's not - does she do that?
Peter - Yeah. Siri chased her away last time. *climbs on the table, reaches up and attempts to pat Sirius on the head*
Sirius - You need to grow, Rocky.
Remus - Rocks don't grow.
Sirius - I noticed.
Peter - *pouts*

Was he imagining things? Could all this have anything to do with the Potters?

Sirius - Oh, yes. Easily.

If it did... if it got out that they were related to a pair of - well, he didn't think he could bear it.

Peter - Isn't there some old song that goes 'Grin and bear it'?
Sirius - No.
Peter - Oh.
Sirius - There's one that goes *sings* 'There's a hole in my bucket, Eliza, Eliza, there's a hole in my bucket, Eliza, a hole..."
Remus (to Peter) - Now look what you've done!
Peter - Sorreee!
Remus - Stop him, quick!

*Remus and Peter pin Sirius and attempt to smother him with a pillow until he stops singing*

The Dursleys got into bed.

Sirius/Peter - *chortle*

Mrs Dursley fell asleep quickly but Mr Dursley lay awake, turning it all over in his mind.

Remus - (pointedly) A-HEM!
Sirius - Have a cough sweet.

His last, comforting thought was that even if the Potters were involved, there was no reason for them to come near him and Mrs Dursley.

Peter - They can't anyway. The Dursleys are too close to each other.
Sirius - Why, Rocky, I'm proud of you!
Peter - *blushes*

The Potters knew very well

Remus - Him? Know very well?
Sirius - James Potter knows nothing. He even thinks it's his sister who sticks the Dungbombs in his pillow.
Remus - (surprised) Who is it, then?
Sirius - *smirks*

what he and Petunia thought about them and their kind ... He couldn't see how he and Petunia could get mixed up in anything that might be going on -

Sirius - He is lying in a bed, at night, with a woman, wondering how he could get mixed up in these strange and mysterious goings-on. Is this man thick, or is this man thick?
Remus - Thick as a rock.
Peter - Hey!

he yawned and turned over - it couldn't affect them ...

Sirius - Oh, yes it can.
Peter - How do you know?
Sirius - I am an actor.
Peter - Yeah? So?
Sirius - So, I recognise a plot device when I see one. That's all.
Remus - When you read Romeo and Juliet you told me that they'd both survive.
Sirius - They did, originally, but it got booed off the stage so he changed it. So there!

How very wrong he was.

Remus - What? Where did that paragraph go?
Sirius - Over there! *points*
Remus - You didn't have your medication this morning, did you?
Sirius - What medication?

Mr Dursley might have been drifting off into an uneasy sleep, but the cat on the wall outside

Peter - Had suddenly turned into the Hogwarts Transfiguration teacher and was watching for the arrival of the Marauders.
Sirius/Remus - It's-not-McGonagall!

was showing no signs of sleepiness. It was sitting still as a statue,

Peter - Yes! She's been Petrified!
Sirius - Even if it was McGonagall, which it isn't, why would we care?
Peter - If she's been Petrified we can sneak past her.
Remus - We can sneak past her anyway. It's no fun when she's not alert.

its eyes fixed unblinkingly on the far corner of Privet Drive.

Peter - Let's sneak up behind her in Animagus form and pull her tail!
Remus - You want to risk doing that to any cat in your form, Peter? See you in Heaven.
Sirius - Or Hell. Whichever's closest. Anyway, it's not McGonagall.
Peter - It is McGonagall!
Sirius/Remus - Is not!
Peter - Is!
Sirius/Remus - Is not!
Peter - Is!
Remus' mother (from downstairs) - STOP BEING SO IMMATURE UP THERE!
Sirius/Remus - (whisper) Is not!

It didn't so much as quiver when a car door slammed in the next street, nor when two owls swooped overhead.

Remus - I don't need to hear it, thanks.

In fact, it was nearly midnight before the cat moved at all.

Peter - You have to admit, that's pretty unusual for a cat.
Sirius - Not really. I once had one that sat on my bed for nearly three years without moving.
Remus - (suspiciously) Was it by any chance a stuffed toy?
Sirius - That's beside the point.

A man appeared on the corner the cat had been watching,

All - Spooky.
Peter - McGonagall obviously knows what's going on here.
Sirius/Remus - It's-not-McGonagall!

appeared so suddenly and silently you'd have thought he'd just popped out of the ground.

Sirius - Maybe he did.
Peter - Maybe he's the opposite of a fallen angel... a risen demon?
Remus - Or maybe, just maybe, he Apparated.
Sirius - Sure, if you want to be boring about this...

The cat's tail twitched and its eyes narrowed.

Peter - That cat is sooo McGonagall.
Sirius - Hah, right, and I bet you'll be saying the man's Dumbledore too, right?
Peter - Actually, now you mention it...

Nothing like this man had ever been seen in Privet Drive. He was tall, thin and very old,

Sirius - Right, and they've never seen tall, thin old guys before. What a neighbourhood!

judging by the silver of his hair and beard, which were both long enough to tuck into his belt. He was wearing long robes, a purple cloak which swept the ground

Sirius - He's a road-sweeper!
Remus - Sirius, give my mum your prescription before she goes out, would you?
Sirius - What prescription?
Remus - For your medication.
Sirius - What medication?

and high-heeled, buckled boots.

Peter - So, what exactly is odd about this guy?

His blue eyes were light, bright and sparkling behind half-moon spectacles and his nose was very long and crooked, as though it had been broken at least twice.

Peter - Do you know, Sirius, you could be right about it being Dumbledore.
Sirius - Rocky, listen to me. The cat is not McGonagall, the man is not Dumbledore. Those people are real, the book is fiction.
Remus - *nods agreement*

This man's name was Albus Dumbledore.

Sirius - *is stunned*
Peter - So, the man's not Dumbledore?
Remus - There must be some mistake here.

Albus Dumbledore

Peter - (smugly) No mistake.

didn't seem to realise that he had just arrived on a street where everything from his name to his boots was unwelcome.

Peter - Yeah. Mr Dumbledore, you should keep away from Number Four. They're really antisocial there.

He was busy rummaging in his cloak, looking for something.

Sirius - My mum used to carry a Condom Charm Bracelet in her cloak.
Remus - Um, ew.
Peter - It's kinda unlikely that Dumbledore carries one of those around.
Remus - *nods emphatically*
Peter - He's probably already got it on.
Remus - Eurgh!

But he did seem to realise he was being watched, because he looked up suddenly at the cat, which was still staring at him from the other end of the street.

Peter - (as McGonagall) Albus? It's you who's been putting all those Leg-Locker curses on the Slytherins?

For some reason, the sight of the cat seemed to amuse him.

Sirius/Remus - CAT CHASE!!!!
Remus' sister - *comes in* Cats? Where? WHERE?
Peter - No cats, sorry.
Sirius/Remus/Remus' sister - WHAT? No cats?
Sirius - There can't be no cats!

He chuckled and muttered, 'I should have known.'

Remus - What? What should he have known?
Peter - That McGonagall was onto him!
Sirius/Remus - It's-not-McGonagall!
Peter - You said the man wasn't Dumbledore, too.
Sirius - Yeah. But believe me, Rocky, the cat is not McGonagall.
Remus - You would say that. There's money riding on this.
Peter - Yeah. Sirius money.
Sirius - Hey!

He had found what he was looking for in his inside pocket. It seemed to be a silver cigarette lighter.

Sirius - Dumbledore's turned arsonist!
Remus - Unfunny, Sirius. Just... unfunny.
Sirius - Sorry.
Remus - Can I have your prescription now?
Sirius - What prescription?

He flicked it open, held it up in the air

Sirius/Peter - *giggle*
Remus - Huh? *sighs* I'll have to ask James.
Sirius/Peter - *giggle harder*

and clicked it. The nearest street lamp went out with a little

Sirius - Pervert.
Peter - Charms teacher.
Remus - Geek named James Potter.

pop.

All - Huh?

He clicked it again - the next lamp flickered into darkness. Twelve times he clicked the Put-Outer,

Remus - Put-Outer. What an imaginative name.
Sirius - Hey! Those things are infinitely useful, I'll have you know!
Peter - *coughs*
Sirius - Oi!

until the only lights left in the whole street were two tiny pinpricks in the distance, which were the eyes of the cat watching him.

All - Spooooooky!

If anyone looked out of their window now, even beady-eyed Mrs Dursley, they wouldn't be able to see anything that was happening down on the pavement.

Peter - Are we allowed to say 'dodgy'?
Sirius - Probably. It's not a rude word, after all.
Remus - *gives up*

Dumbledore slipped the Put-Outer back inside his cloak and set off sown the street towards number four, where he sat down on the wall next to the cat. He didn't look at it, but after a moment he spoke to it.

Peter - (as Dumbledore) All right, Minerva. I surrender. It was I who Dungbombed the Slytherins. I have been letting the Marauders take the blame for too long and now I place myself in your capable hands.
Remus - *snorts* You wish.
Sirius - It's-not-McGonagall!
Peter - Twenty-five Galleons still says it is.
Sirius - I know. Get your money out.

'Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall.'

Peter - (triumphantly) Pay up, pal!
Sirius - *is in shock*
Peter - Oi! Pay up!
Sirius - *grumbles, but pays up*
Remus - There must be some mistake here.

He turned to smile at the tabby, but it had gone. Instead he was smiling at a rather severe-looking woman who was wearing square glasses exactly the shape of

Sirius/Remus/Peter - (bored) The markings round her Animagus form's eyes...

the markings the cat had had around its eyes. She, too, was wearing a cloak, an emerald one.

Sirius - *gasps* McGonagall's a Slytherin supporter!
Remus - It's a scandal!
Peter - Shouldn't be allowed!
Sirius - Now we know why they won the House Cup last year.
Remus/Peter - *nod agreement*

Her black hair was drawn into a tight bun. She looked distinctly ruffled.

Sirius - Ruffles! Good name for a dog.
Remus - Er, no.
Sirius - No? OK. How about Snuffles?
Peter - Even worse.
Remus - Incidentally, Sirius, about that prescription...

'How did you know it was me?' she asked.

Peter - *counting on his fingers* The eyes, the cat form, the stares, the stern looks, the sitting bolt upright, the fact that you were reading a map, you stupid woman...
Remus - (as McGonagall) - Pettigrew! Ten points from Gryffindor!
Sirius - Hah! I knew she was a Slytherin supporter!

'My dear Professor, I've never seen a cat sit so stiffly.'

Peter - See? See?
Sirius - You're going to gloat over this for ages, aren't you?
Peter - Yep.

'You'd be stiff if you'd been sitting on a brick wall all day,' said Professor McGonagall.

Remus - Exactly why was she sitting on a brick wall all day, anyway?
Sirius - (innocently) Who knows what teachers do for fun?
Peter - *sniggers*
Remus - Huh? ...Oh.

'All day? When you could have been celebrating? I must have passed a dozen feasts and parties on my way here.'
Professor McGonagall sniffed angrily.
'Oh yes, everyone's celebrating, all right,' she said impatiently. 'You'd think they'd be a bit more careful, but no - even the Muggles have noticed something's going on. It was on their news.'

Peter - Oh, yes, something was most definitely going on on their news.
Sirius - Well done, Rocky!
Remus - *sighs*

She jerked her head back at the Dursley's dark living-room window. 'I heard it.'

Sirius/Peter - *laugh hysterically*
Remus - *begins to smile, on an if-you-can't-beat-'em-join-'em basis*

Flocks of owls...

Sirius/Peter - *laugh harder*
Remus - *grins*

shooting stars... Well, they're not completely stupid. They were bound to notice something.

Remus - What they noticed depends on gender, hopefully.
Sirius/Peter - *go into shock*
Sirius - He made a sex joke!
Peter - Would that James was here to witness this wondrous event.

Shooting stars over in Kent - I'll bet that was Dedalus Diggle. He never had much sense.'

Sirius - Huh? He's in our year!
Remus - Remember, this book is from the future.
Sirius - Oh, right. He's not going to change much, then.
Peter - Once a Hufflepuff, always a Hufflepuff.

'You can't blame them,' said Dumbledore gently.

Sirius - Wha? Is he talking about us?
Remus - Nah. He allows her to blame us...

'We've had precious little to celebrate for eleven years.'
'I know that, said Professor McGonagall irritably. 'But that's no reason to lose our heads.

Peter - It is for Nearly Headless Nick.
Sirius - *has pulled his robes over his head and is running around blindly*
Remus - Sirius, what are you doing?
Sirius - I've lost my head!
Remus/Peter - *roll eyes*
Remus - Sirius, please can I have your prescription?
Sirius - Look, what makes you think I need medication?

People are being downright careless, out on the streets in broad daylight,

Peter - Ah-ha! She's a vampire! I always knew there was something odd about McGonagall.

not even dressed in Muggle clothes,

Remus - Owie. Even Sirius isn't that stupid.
Sirius - No, I'm not... hey!
Peter - *giggles*

swapping rumours.

Sirius - (in a whisper) Do you know, I heard Professor McGonagall's a secret Slytherin supporter!
Peter - (also whispering) That's nothing. I heard that the owl mating season's on!
Sirius - Wanna go watch?
Peter - Yeah!

She threw a sharp, sideways glance at Dumbledore here, as though hoping he was going to tell her something, but he didn't, so she went on: 'A fine thing it would be if, on the very day You-Know-Who seems to have disappeared at last, the Muggles found out about as all. I suppose he really has gone, Dumbledore?'

Sirius - Well, it's about time too.
Remus - D'you think this'll happen in our lifetimes?
Peter - Considering McGonagall and Dumbledore are still around? Probably.
Sirius - *looks satisfied*

'It certainly seems so,' said Dumbledore. 'We have much to be thankful for.

Sirius - Good. They didn't break out.
Peter - Huh?
Sirius - My parents. There would be nothing to be thankful for if they had broken out.

Would you care for a sherbert lemon?'

Peter - Yes please!

'A what?'
'A sherbert lemon. They're a kind of Muggle sweet I'm rather fond of.'

Peter - I like them too.
Remus - Is that what you suck on in class?
Peter - I don't eat in class!
Remus - Well, someone does. I hear the sucking sound. And you always look like you've got something in your mouth.

'No, thank you,' said Professor McGonagall coldly, as though she didn't think this was the moment for sherbert lemons. 'As I say, even if You-Know-Who has gone-'
'My dear Professor, surely a sensible person like yourself can call him by his name? All this "You-Know-Who" nonsense - for eleven years I have been trying to persuade people to call him by his proper name: Voldemort'.

Peter/Remus - *flinch*
Sirius - Exactly, Mr. Dumbledore. Though personally I've always tended to call him 'bastard', but there you are...

Professor McGonagall flinched, but Dumbledore, who was unsticking two sherbert lemons, seemed not to notice. 'It all gets so confusing if we keep saying "You-Know-Who".

Sirius - Yeah. Because some people don't know who.

I have never seen any reason to be frightened of saying Voldemort's name.'
'I know you haven't,' said Professor McGonagall, sounding half exasperated, half admiring. 'But you're different. Everyone knows you're the only one You-Know- oh, all right, Voldemort, was frightened of.'

Peter - *whimpering* Mummy, make the people stop saying his name!
Sirius - *hugs Peter* Don't worry, Rocky, Padfoot's right here.
Peter - AAAAARGH! Getawaygetawaygetaway!
Sirius - *looks highly offended*

'You flatter me,' said Dumbledore calmly.

Remus - No we don't, sir, it's true.

'Voldemort had powers I will never have.'
'Only because you're too - well - noble to use them.'
'It's lucky it's dark. I haven't blushed so much since Madam Pomfrey told me she like my new ear-muffs.'

Sirius - Ooooo, Dumbledore's in loooove!
Peter - Awwwwww...

Professor McGonagall shot a sharp look at Dumbledore and said, 'The owls are nothing to the rumours that are flying around. You know what everyone's saying? About why he's disappeared? About what finally stopped him?'

Sirius - No! Come on! Tell us! Tell us!
Peter - We want to know!
Remus - *reading ahead to himself* Uh... guys... do you really want to carry on?
Sirius/Peter - YES!
Remus - *sighs* OK. But don't say I didn't warn you.

It seemed that Professor McGonagall had reached the point she was most anxious to discuss, the real reason she had been waiting on a cold hard wall all day, for neither as a cat nor as a woman had she fixed Dumbledore with such a piercing stare as she had now. It was plain that whatever 'everyone' was saying, she was not going to believe it until Dumbledore told her it was true. Dumbledore, however, was choosing another sherbert lemon and did not answer.

Sirius - Oh, come on! Cut the suspense and get on with it!
Peter - Hurry up!
Remus - *gulps, but continues reading*

'What they're saying,' she pressed on, is that last night Voldemort turned up in Godric's Hollow.

Peter - Where?
Sirius - Place in Wales. Quite isolated. Lots of wizarding families.

He went to find the Potters.

Sirius - (automatically) Needed new plates, did he? (suddenly realising) Oh, no...

The rumour is that Lily and James Potter are - are - that they're - dead.'

///
A/n; And I'm going to leave it here, just to spite you all. Tune in next chapter to see the Marauders' reaction to this new revelation. Oh... and don't forget to review!