Ask Moony

Hogwarts students have problems, from O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s to boy/girl relationships to Potions homework. To help Gryffindor students with their problems, you can...

Ask Moony

Dear Moony,
I keep finding myself walking around the school naked and muttering "ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape ape" over and over. I don't know what to do!
-Ape boy
(from kushan26)

Dear Ape Boy,
Get counseling. And eat ice cream. Oh, you might also want to lock yourself in a padded room for several hours--Sirius has one you can rent for green Jello.
Moony

Dear Moony,
well, you see one night i got lost in the forest and i saw some strange animals. there was a moose(stag) holding a map, a wolf foming at the mouth, a dog who was gambling, and a small thing, maybe a rat, running around in circles. Am i going crazy?
-crazed^^
ps- they were so cute though!
(from black moon of day)

Dear Crazed,
Yep.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Hey! Weirdo!
I always have greasy hair and can't seem to wash it out! What should I do?
-Anonymous Hufflepuff Girl (definitely not boy and from Slytherin)
(from rosenoix)

Dear Anonymous Slytherin Boy posing as an Anonymous Hufflepuff Girl,
Get Sirius to transfigure it. Of course, results are not guaranteed. ^_^
Moony

Dear Moony,
everybody likes Sirius Black, but no one likes me. Why? Is it just because of my hair? I could try out washing it once a week. Do you think that could help?
--Desperate Slytherin
(from moonstrucked)

Dear Desperate Slytherin,
Um...maybe you could wash it every day? Just a suggestion...
Moony

Dear Moony,
There's this guy I like, but I don't think he knows I'm alive, has a girlfriend, and is a 7th year to my 3rd year. Whatever shall I do?
-Desperate
(from aidenfire)

Dear Desperate,
Give it up. Sorry girl, but seventh years just don't go for younger guys/girls.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I was with my boyfriend the other night (I refuse to admit to anything), and I heard this little squeak from on my bedside table. I turned and I swear there was this scruffy gray rat sitting there just staring at us. It's happened six nights in a row now. Help me Moony, I'm scared!
--Desperate in Love
(from pottersister666)

Dear Desperate in Love,
Put out mousetraps....*evil grin*
Moony

Dear Moony,
I see idiots. I see them all the time. They don't know their idiots, they see only what they want to see? What should I do about my idiot problem???????
Idiot Vision
(from sicirus)

Dear Idiot Vision,
You too??
Moony

Dear Moony
Did you know that your column is on the internet and millions of Muggle eyes are reading it this moment and asking you random questions, even if they're not in Gryffindor? Thought you should know.
-Thinking of You
(from Roki)

Dear Thinking of Me,
Do you bear any relation to this weird Abigail person who shows up from time to time? She claims she knows everything about me and she kind of freaks me out...
Moony

Dear Moony,
Why are you even doing this column if you can't answer anyone's questions? You know, just out of curiosity.
- Curious Ravenclaw
(from Unnamed Ravenclaw)

Dear Curious Ravenclaw,
Alice Remerta (editor of the Oracle) is on a tight budget, and I'm the cheapset advice columnist they could get. Hey, I only end up owing them six Sickles a week...hey, wait...I owe them? Excuse me while I go have a talk with dear Alice...
Moony

Dear Moony,
What if Dumbledore caught Snape running with hedge clippers? And I don't know what's so bad about running with hedge clippers? I wanna try it! What should I do?
~Tempted
(from Hadder)

Dear Hadder,
Sirius has some, borrow them from him!
Moony

Dear Moony,
Why do you disappear at odd intervals? Everyone says you're sick but I don't think that's it. Please tell me.
-Curious
(from EmeraldDragon519)

Dear Curious,
I'm secretly a pirate, and I have to go perform my ritual raids under the full moon while we laugh at the Mormons who are worshipping their warm fish scales, under the full moon. What is your deal? Do you have nothing better to do than worry about my life and personal health and hyegiene? Get a life!
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have a crush on this guy, but he's a LOT older than me and I don't think he even knows. What should I do?
-Crazy Chick
(from EmeraldDragon519)

Dear Crazy Chick,
Forget it.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Why does James Potter keep hitting on Lily Evans? Can you make him stop and startpaying more attention to the rest of us?
~~Luv-ly ravenclaw
(from RavenClawFille87)

Dear Luv-ly Ravenclaw,
Good question! You try to make him stop--what do you think we've been doing for three years???
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have this problem with my bum. Its huge! I've tried spells but it won't work! I've even asked Lily on how her bum is so small, but she just huffed and walked away from me. What can I do?
-Girl with Bum Problems
(from Dagon Lilly)

Dear Girl with Bum Problems,
It's okay, Sirius likes girls with huge bums. You might want to talk to him.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Why do so few females our age express interest in males who behave in a canine fashion? If they want loyalty, gentle protectiveness, and a sense of fun, as they advertise they do, why on earth would they express mistrust of someone with good pack-attitude?
-Advocate for a double meaning of moonstruck
(from DremkangWulfenark)

Dear A.F.A.D.M.O.M,
Do I look like a girl? Do I look like I know how they act? Wait, don't answer that....
Moony

Dear Moony,
What's the one thing YOU would want to ask and get an answer from other people?
-Curious
(from Anasis)

Dear Curious,
Why do people keep asking me questions?
Moony

Dear Moony,
What is the meaning of life?
-Siriusly
(from Anasis)

Dear Siriusly,
42! Honesely! Seriously!
Moony

Dear Moony,
Someone I'm not saying who, but he goes by Sirius Black (not that I'm naming names). Anyway, someone, put Nargles in all the mistletoe. He is always playing pranks. I for one think they are fabulous, but I don't want him to get in trouble what should I tell him??
-Friend in need
(from Hellen B. Potter)

Dear Friend in Need,
That would be more believable if Nargles actually existed. Don't give Sirius ideas!
Moony

Dear Moony,
My boyfriend and I can never find a broom closet to snog in. Any suggestions?
-Frustrated Ravenclaw
(from Sai du Chickens)

Dear Frustrated Ravenclaw,
Ask Sirius...he spend all of his time in one.
Moony

Dear Moony,
My dormmates and I want to get a pet. We're thinking something along the lines of a rabid moose or a manticore. Do you have an suggestions on how we can hide it from McGonagall?
-Rabid Moose Fan
(from musicmage)

Dear Rabid Moose Fan,
No offense, but if you're going for a pet, you might want to try a Demiguise. They're easy to take care of, really hard to see, and they have long silky fur.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Why does James keep flirting with me? I won't go out with him and I've told him so but he won't listen. Please get him to stop.
-Lily
(from Anya Bird)

Dear Lily,
I wish I knew!
Moony

Dear Moony,
Why does Lilly keep ignoring me?
-Prongs
(from Anya Bird)

Dear Prongs,
Do I look like Lily? You should know, since you spend every waking moment poring over her features...and telling us about them...
Moony

Dear Moony,
I come from the future (don't tell anyone) I was in love with James' son (don't tell anyone) but he broke my heart and now i'm here to stop James' from marrying Lily so Harry won't be born (don't tell anyone). Seeing that you are friends with James, what could I do to make him love me and forget about Lily? (Oh he looks so much like Harry)... (Don't tell anyone)
-Future girl
(from marla halliwell)

Dear Future girl,
James and Lily only have a chance in James's dreams, so no fear. Maybe you need a delusion potion...
Moony

Dear Moony,
I want to play a song for that special someone. But I can't think of a good love song. Can you help?
~Songless Love
(from Piolikwaptiwa)

Dear Songless Love,
Ask Sirius, he has the Muggle Radio.
Moony

Dear Moony,
if a dragon some how got loose in the school and burn everything up, and made tons of sweet chaos! how much trouble do you think the person that accidently let the dragon in would get into?
-Dragon freak
(from black moon of day)

Dear Dragon Freak,
Well, it depends on if you're stupid enough to tell everyone you accidently let it in...
Moony

Dear Moony,
Who came up with your nickname? I like it! I need a nickname for myself. -Nicknameless
(from azaelia sapphire)

Dear Nicknameless,
Sirius. Talk to him about it.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Don't you get annoyed by your crazy friends? I mean, they don't act like you. -Curious
(from azaelia sapphire)

Dear Curious,
We act just like each other, so much it's scary. Are you writing to the right person?
Moony

Dear Moony,
James is driving me crazy! Will he never listen to me? -A flower in trouble
(from azaelia sapphire)

Dear Flower In Trouble,
Nope. The only person he listens to is Lily, and then only if she says something besides: "Go away, Potter," irritably like she always does.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I know the future, and it scares me. Memory charms don't work on me. What can I do? -Seeing things
(from azaelia sapphire)

Dear Seeing Things,
Hit yourself on the head with a History of Magic book. It's heavy enough to give you amnesia for a couple of weeks and you'll miss classes! Hooray!
Moony

Dear Moony, What is with wizrds not wanting to read muggle literature? I am totally obsessed with one Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien. All my friends give me weird looks when I start to talk about it! Is there any way to convince them it's not a pointless thing?
-Discouraged Tolkienite
(from azaelia sapphire)

Dear Discouraged Tolkienite,
Don't they have self-help groups for that?
Moony

Dear Moony,
I find werewolves extremely attractive. It might be something about those scruffy looks of them. Do you think I'm sick?
~Confused Ravenclaw
(from Airmans Rebba)

Dear Confused Ravenclaw,
Technically, werewolves are exactly like ordinary people, so you would never know who's a werewolf and who's not. You've been reading too many books.
Moony

Dear Moony,
HELP!!!!! Lily's on the rampage, and she wants my blood for something . . . Maybe I shouldn't have tried to feel her up that one time? Anyway, the map's on the fritz, and I can't remember how to get to that one hiding spot. Do you?
-Padfoot
(from DSDragon)

Dear Padfoot,
Don't mention that to James, or he'll kill you...which hiding spot? You know most of them, remember? Maybe that one under the third stairway?
Moony

Dear Moony,
I woke up this morning, and found my entire dorm covered in male boxers... Anways.I'm wondering who they belong to coz, I wear red boxers..not green, and its really annoying...and embarrasing to wake up with my dorm full of green... Oh..and they all seem to end up on my bed! not the other girls....
Drowing in Green Boxers
(from kelea13)

Dear D.I.G.B.,
They're Sirius's...he and the House-Elves have this kind of war going on right now. Read the Oracle for more info on that...it is kind of disturbing.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I was drinking outta a styrafoam cup, and then Sirius, sitting 3 people down from me, starts looking at me like i've commited murder! whats going on?
Styrafoam girl
(from kelea13)

Dear Styrofoam Girl,
Sirius is very...sensitive...about his styrofoam. Hehe...
Moony

Dear Moony,
I was walking past the 5th years girl's dorm..and one of the beds were completly covered in green Boxers! I'm curious to know if their mine!
Siriusly Boxerless
(from kelea13)

Dear Sirius,
I wonder....
Moony

Dear Moony,
I recently gave my friend a silver bracelet for her birthday, and she came out in this huge rash... She doesn't know whats wrong (she once went to Sirius for counseling...I'm really worried, she came back strange)And she disapears every full moon. I'm really worried about her, but the professor tell me she okay.. Can you tell me whats wrong?
Worried friend
(from kelea13)

Dear Worried friend,
She's a Mormon. Everyone knows that Mormons worship warm fish scales under the full moon, and that they're allergic to silver! Seriously!
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have a thing for bad boys, mostly the dark brooding type, tortured soul and such. Do you think Snape will go out with a hot-blooded Gryffindor girl like myself? (And no, I don't mind the greasy hair and no, I don't want counseling.)
Pining for a certain Slytherin
(from Betz)

Dear Pining for a Greasy-Haired Git,
Um...Get counseling. Eat ice cream. Go to Sirius and ask him to make out with you---anything!
Moony

Dear Moony,
I'm very frightened. I just entered an empty room and saw James Potter with a pin about half-sunken right between his eyes. What happened to him?
-Very Odd

Dear Very Odd,
Lily must have told him to deflate his head again. He does this to himself sometimes. A house-elf should be along soon enough to sort him out.
Moony

Dear Moony,
How dare you assume it's because of something I said that James is lying on the Muggle Studies room floor with a pin in his head? For your information, I forced that pin in there! With my own hands!
Lily
PS: Please, tell me if his head is any smaller now. I thought the pin might help.

Dear Lily,
You are homocidal and sick. Get counseling or go out with James. Do you know how sickening it is to hear James saying, at 7:30 in the morning: "I wonder if she'll notice me today. Did you see her yesterday in Transfiguration sucking on her quill? It was a pineapple banana flavored sugar quill. I need to go buy pineapple banana flavored sugar quills. Maybe she'll notice me." No, James' head is exactly the same size except now he has yet another small pink scar between his eyes. Did you know he keeps those pins and puts them on a shrine?
Moony

Dear Moony,
Why? As in, why are we here? Why are we alive?
Padfoot

Dear Padfoot,
Go back to sleep.
Moony

Dear Moony,
My things keep going missing. I don't know what's happening to them, but I am nearly out of pens, my pins are gone, and I've had to hide my stash of sporks to save them. Do you know who's taking them?
-Lily

Dear Lily,
Yes. I do know who's taking them.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I keep noticing that the nicknames you and the Marauders call each other have very strange similarities to the animals reported around the common room. What should I do?
-Suspicious

Dear Suspicious,
Stay where you are. I'll be right there with a memory charm.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I've run out of room in our dorm to build my shrine. I do think the pen tops it off nicely, but it needs a few sporks. Anyway, where else can I put my memorabilia?
-Also Afraid of being Murdered by Lily

Dear Also Afraid of being Murdered by Lily,
Take everything, the entire shrine, and go down to the Muggle Studies classroom. Face away from the door, take twenty-three steps to the left, spin around three times, and back up towards the wall. You can build your shrine in there.
Moony

Dear Moony,
You always refer people to counseling, but I can't find any counseling services! I would pay huge amounts of money if I ever found one. Where can I get counseling?
Need Counseling

Dear Need Counseling,
I really don't know. It's a figure of speech. If you have an overabundance of Galleons I would be glad to help.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Okay, so you know. Will you tell me?
Lily

Dear Lily,
No.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I would just like to make sure everybody knows I am running my own counseling service, so everyone who has been sent by Moony for counseling can just come to me! Price on request.
Padfoot.

Dear Padfoot,
Go back to sleep. Stop invading my column, you have your own.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I know what you are and I'm following you through the Willow as soon as I can get the hair grease out of my eyes!
Hating You

Dear Hating You,
Does everyone know about that picture now? Please, it was all James' fault! And Snape, how did you get in here? This is the Gryffindor newspaper!
Moony

Dear Moony,
What was on that picture of you and Padfoot?
-Curious and Wondering if I Really Don't Want to know

Dear Curious and Wondering if I Really Don't Want to know,
You really don't want to know. If not for fear of Padfoot and misuse of the color yellow then for fear of me killing you after you find out. Painfully.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I still know what you are but really think you're a pretty good guy and have seen the merits of keeping the hair grease in my eyes. For fear of what's behind it.
-Still Hating You But No Longer Really Inclined to do Something About it

Dear Still Hating You But No Longer Really Inclined to do Something About it,
Snape, we don't want you here! This is a Gryffindor newspaper! Besides, it's dangerous. You could end up with a spork between your eyes, or something.
Moony

Dear Moony,
If you don't tell be who's stealing my Muggle artifacts, I swear one of them is going to find its way into the front of your skull and out the back. WHO IS IT?
Lily

Dear Lily,
Might drop me a few IQ points, but it won't kill me. Nyeah, nyeah. Go out with James.
Moony

Dear Moony,
What is IQ points?
Muggle Clueless

Dear Muggle Clueless,
They measure how smart you are. You have none. Figure out why you can't say "what is IQ points" and then come back to apologize for your mincing of the English language.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have had an inspiration and am using many new and interesting things to build my shrine. The only trouble is, I'm running out of room again. I can only fit the entrance hall in the secret room you told me about, and have no room for the towers. Do you know of any larger secret rooms?
Still Mildly Afraid of being Horribly Killed by Lily

Dear Still Mildly Afraid of being Horribly Killed by Lily,
Take your whole shrine and dive into the lake. Swim out about a hundred feet, then dive down. When you're six feet under, turn upside down and scream "UHOMAJUGODS!" as loudly as possible. You could fit Hogwarts Castle down there.
Moony

Dear Moony,
OKAY, THAT'S IT! WHEN I FIND OUT WHO'S TAKING MY KNICKERS, MY SPORK OF DEATH WILL DRINK THEIR STILL WARM BLOOD OF LIFE! AAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Lily

Dear Lily,
You're sick. You might want to look into Padfoot's Counseling Service, if you can afford it. Or go out with James. Although his "Pinapple banana sugar quill" line isn't so bad now, I can kind of tune him out.
Moony

Dear Moony,
WHY? WHY AM I ALIVE?
Padfoot

Dear Padfoot,
To torture us, maybe? You could use some counseling yourself. Go back to sleep and STOP INVADING MY COLUMN! YOU HAVE YOUR OWN!
Moony

Dear Moony,
Wow, who knew knickers made such great building material? I've filled up the last space you told me about. What do I do now? Is there anywhere else?
No Longer Afraid of Being Horribly Killed by Lily Unless Moony Tells Her it's Me

Dear No Longer Afraid of Being Horribly Killed by Lily Unless Moony Tells Her it's Me,
Oh. My. Fur. You do know that Hogwarts would fit into that secret room in the lake, right? And you've filled it!? Take your whole shrine, if you can lift it, and carry it to the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy. Walk past the spot three times while thinking about a place big enough to hold your entire shrine. That will always work and never run out of room.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Are you really an advice columnist? You never seem to solve anyone's problems.
Confused and Innocent First Year

Dear Confused and Innocent First Year,
What do I look like, an advice columnist? Go back to sleep, Padfoot!
Moony

Dear Moony,
Sirius Black is out on the balcony next to out dorm. He's flapping his arms like wings, and he seems to be. . . flying. He's crying and saying, "not the yellow, not the yellow!"
Perplexed Sixth year girl

Dear Perplexed Sixth year girl,
If you're positive this isn't one of his plots to get into your dormitories, then pull him down by the leg and calmly tell him that not all yellow things are evil, that Moony didn't mean it, and that it was all Prongs' fault. If he wakes up smile and give him some ice cream.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I just thought you might like to know your advice finally worked! When I was in that big, endless room with no boundaries, Lily came in! She told me that my catle-sized shrine was wonderful, and that if only I would ask she would give me her knickers! And I did ask, and she did! And. . . did that really happen? Am I dreaming? I don't think so, it. . it felt real! Thank you, Moony!
Prongs

Dear Prongs,
That room was called the Room of Requirement. It shows you exactly what you want at that moment. It didn't really happen. Exactly what it was that didn't happen I don't want to think about, but. . . Oh, yes, you've just given away your identity as the one who's been stealing Lily's knickers to the whole of Gryffindor Tower.
Moony

Dear Moony,
JAMES POTTER! YOU ARE DEAD! COME TO ME, SPORK OF DEATH! AAAIIIIEEEE!!!
Lily

Dear Lily,
Oh, dear. It has been said, 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.' Especially when she's got a spork. Are you sure you don't want counseling? Oh, and why are you writing a letter to me when all you're going to do is scream at James? I'm perfectly sure you can do that without wasting parchment. Just a tip of helpful advice ^_^
Moony

Dear Moony,
Lupin, I know that's you. I sent a copy of your article to my Mum. Could you tell that idiot brother of mine to write Mum back? She's upset that he won't just kill the House Elves who are stealing his underwear. Something about not being a true Black or something. Thanks.
-Related to Sirius

Dear Regulus,
Yes, it is me. Congradulations for using your brain to find out what any other person in the whole of Hogwarts could tell you. I'm sure your Mum is proud. And I'm also sure your Mum finds amusement from a sarcastic advice columnist and the troubles of teenagers. Tell Sirius yourself. Oh, and take my advice for today: GET A LIFE!
Moony

Dear Moony,
This is the someone you're attached to! What's this crap about being willing to trade with Elizabeth Swann because she worked with an Orlando Bloom? Who's he? How could you?
-Aladdin Nadira

Dear Aladdin,
I think you have very confused resources. From now on, refuse to listen to anything Sirius tells you, especially if is has to do with Orlando Bloom.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I woke up last night after a rather odd dream to find that stupid Grim in our dorm room. Where did that mangy, flea-bitten thing come from and why is it watching me sleep? Help!
-Confused and Afraid

Dear Confused and Afraid,
Oh, you mean Snuffles, Sirius's illegal pet? I don't know...talk to Sirius and maybe give him a leash for Christmas, along with a good flea treatment. Ignore any dirty looks he may give you.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Do you remember when I asked you about Sirius and that Hermione thing? Anyway, I've become concerned about your liberal uses of memory charms. What did you do to me?
-Prongs

Dear Prongs,
You'd be much happier not knowing. Isn't that the point of Memory Charms? Don't you trust your old pal Moony?
Moony

Dear Moony,
What I don't understand is this: how can Sirius like pushpins when he runs the risk of them popping his GIGANTIC, OVER-INFLATED ego?
-Irritated with Mr. Perfect

Dear Irritated with Mr. Perfect,
Are you sure you're not Lily talking about James? But pushpins are sparkly. Need you ask?
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have done it! After many hours of research, I've been able to identify the brand of shampoo that Snape uses. It's Crisco!
-Relieved in Ravenclaw

Dear Relieved in Ravenclaw,
Wow! I can't believe what exhaustive spy work you must have done to uncover that. By the way, do you know that Crisco is not a shampoo? Oh, I think that was actually the product of a prank....hey wait, that isn't a question! Isn't this called ASK Moony?
Moony

Dear Moony,
I happen to know for a fact Lily is playing hard to get with James. I think she likes being a total tease and giving him a case of blueballs. Should I tell James that Lily likes it when he's being an arrogant prat and tries to kiss her against her will?
Know-it-all-roommate
(from Betz)

Dear Know-It-All Roommate,
No. Don't encourage him, PLEASE! I'M BEGGING YOU! If I ever have to hear about Lily at the unGodly hour of 6am again I will puke!
Moony

Dear Moony,
I'm considering pulling a prank on Sirius and would like your professional opinion on some of the the details. I would be willing to pay your weight in the confection of your choosing for you to be a consultant on this endevor. Are you game?
Mischevious prankster in training
(from Betz)

Dear Prankster in Training,
Meet me at 7 in the Muggle Studies Classroom.
Moony

Dear Moony,
With all the green socks, do you think Sirius secretly desires to be a Slytherin?
Suspicous
(from Betz)

Dear Suspicious,
No.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Why do you call yourself 'Moony'?
Confused
(from LunaWand)

Dear Confused,
Ask Sirius, he came up with it.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I am so angry, I could spit! Sirius has gone TOO FAR--he stole my mashed potatoes! I was eating some lovely mashed potatoes at dinner yesterday, and he yanked them away and ate them! I WANT MY POTATOES!!!!!! Can you get them back?
Potato-Lover
(from LunaWand)

Dear Moony,
I don't know how it happened, but this crazy lady is chasing me, waving a sppon and shouting 'GIVE ME MY POTATOES!!!!!!!' Do you understnad why she's chasing me?
Padfoot
(from LunaWand)

Dear Moony,
I haven't got my potatoes yet! If you don't get them, I'll kill you!!!!!! I mean it!!!!!!!! POTATOES NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Potato-Lover
(from LunaWand)

---

Notes: Thanks to everybody, you all rock, especially HP ([email protected]), and Megan Andres ([email protected]) who helped so much with this chapter and do an awesome job. Cookies to them. This fic is all for you...really, you write half of it. Seriously. Ahem. Well, look for chapter 13 soon...if any of you have triskadekaphobia, call it 14 to make yourselves feel better. Heh. Oh, and I delete all the reviews I've already answered, so don't get freaked out if yours is gone. Love ya all, Abi