Ask Moony

Hogwarts students have problems, from O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s to boy/girl relationships to Potions homework. To help Gryffindor students with their problems, you can...

Ask Mo...er, Sirius

Dear Sirius,
Help me! My roommate keeps on finding trails of green socks that are leading up to my bed. I don't know how they get there. I also find loads of sparkly things on my dresser. And one morning I found a muggle radio playing under my bed. When I checked all I saw was a black dog. I am really curious to know how the black dog got there and WHY a muggle radio was playing inside hogwarts! Please help me Sirius!
-In love with the black dog under her bed
(from melaniewilliamsandharrypotter)

Dear In Love with Large Dark Canines,
Hmmm....you STOLE my SOCKS! And my SPARKLY THINGS! My RADIO! MY PET! You traitor, you thief! IS NOTHING SACRED??
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
Why do you fear styrofoam?
Ritsuka

Dear Reitsaka,
Have you ever heard styrofoam squeaking? The little annoying voices, grating on your nerves, hurts your teeth...the little squeaking noises in your brain, rats creeping up your body in a room made of styrofoam with no light in sight...AAAHHHHHH!
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
Why did you choose a big black dog as your animagus form?
Ritsuka

Dear Restark,
to scare people.
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
When was your first kiss? Who? How old was she?
Ritsuka

Dear Restraunt,
Six years old. There was this girl next door with these really cute little pigtails. Five and half.
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
Why do you like green socks so much?
Ritsuka
Dear Rest Area,
They're AFROFRIZZNISTICK!
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
How the heck did you afford that Firebolt after 13 years in Azkaban?
Starchild
Dear Moonchild,
I'm just that good. I have no clue what you're talking about. Does this have something to do with that one time when the sky squirted green cream? Are you trying to trick me?
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
How did you manage to lose your underwear?
Ritsuka

Dear Ratsoak,
The House-Elves hate me.
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
How do you manage to look so good?
Ritsuka

Dear Rinaldi,
I'm just naturally perfect.
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
why do you wear your hair long?? Not even in a ponytail...
Starchild

Dear Starstruck,
It makes me look sexy!
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
What happened to Moony? There's no way he would WILLINGLY give you his column.
Ritsuka

Dear Rattling Snake,
He got sick! I volunteered to do it! You wound me!
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
When Harry and the Weasleys show up after Arthur's hurt... had you actually been drinking?? Harry could smell it on you!
Starchild

Dear Interstellar Toddler,
I have no clue what you're talking about....were you there when the sky squirted green cream? Is this what you're trying to say, here?
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
How is it that you manage to pass all your classes even though you never study, never do your homework, and show up late for classes every day? Its as if you merely smile and the teachers give you an A!
-Siriusly Confused
(from Eclip0099)

Dear Happily Fonczued,
They like my smile! *smiles dazzingly*
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
What was your favorite prank of all time?
Ritsuka

Dear Ratstink,
Hmmmm.....the Jell-o thing was classic! But I also liked washing Snape's hair, the thing with Amos Diggory and the Bludgers....no clue!
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
One girl told me you're hot and sexy. Is this true or just a rumor?
-Confused
(from kantomon)

Dear Foncused,
It's the truth, baby!
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
Last night I had a dream about orange penguins. When I woke up, I saw a purple pinapple tree dancing the can can while juggling bottles of syrup. So what does this mean?
Ritsuka

Dear Ratty Sink,
It means you need to ask Moony. MOONY! I don't know what this means!!!!!!
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
The other day I was walking by the Herbology Greenhouse when I suddenly spotted something! I went to investigate what it was and what I saw scared me so much! Lying there on the ground was a HALF eaten Chocolate frog! I didn't know who else to turn to! I need help!
Rasha

Dear Washing Cars,
*GASP!* This is a serious breach of protocol! Well, everyone knows what to do in a situation like that...call FROG BUSTERS! Who you gonna call? FROGBUSTERS! They get rid of those half-eaten frogs and have a full investigation, report, and take in the person responsible for all this! 1-800-FROG BUSTERS!
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
I brought some muggle drinks with me from home and I gave some to my friends. But the problem is, now they're addicted and they keep stealing my Vanilla coke! What can I do to stop them! I LIVE off Vanilla coke! Please stop them! *breaks down sobbing hysterically*
Rasha

Dear Mafia,
I WANT SOME!
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
One of my friends thinks that soccer is a lot better than Quidditch! Everyone knows this is wrong! What can I do to convince them otherwise! I bet the Vanilla coke I stole from my friend that I could change their mind by tommorrow!
Rasha

Dear Warshing,
Then why don't you do it? I WANT SOME! FEED ME!
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
I read in a great muggle story that the answer to everything is 42. But when I put that in my potions essay, I had to write it over again! Why didn't it work?
Ritsuka

Dear Rat Sun,
I think it's because the Potions teacher doesn't know that. And it is 42, no worries. Maybe he wants the question....?
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
I ran into Snape a while ago in the halls. When I got back to the common room I noticed I had grease on my arm. I tried to wash it off, but it must be mutated because I couldn't wash it off! Please help!
Rasha

Dear Ratty Sash,
You should go to the Hospital Wing immediately! You could die from that! Hurry!
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
I had a strange dream about evil pirate clowns while in History of Magic. Then one of my friends showed me a muggle comic book exactly like my dream! Am I phsyic?
Ritsuka

Dear Ravishing Sunk Ship,
Probably not. It was 42. Everybody knows about the evil pirate clowns....
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
THE MUSHROOMS ARE OUT TO GET ME!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE HELP! THEY DETECTED MY SUPERIOR INSANITY AND ARE AFTER ME! PLEASE STOP THEM! I DON'T WANT TO BE SANE!
Rasha

Dear Rushing Stop Sign,
Don't worry, you can call 1-800-NO-MUSHROOMS! There's also Mushrooms Anonymous if you want to do that instead!
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
My sister sent me a howler the other day because I sent her a picture of cheese. She got really mad, I don't know why, and in the howler she blasted out my most embarrising moment. Is there anything I can do to make everyone forget about that... incedent?
Ritsuka

Dear Ratfink,
A good memory charm? Just moonwalk out of the great hall since you're already so embarrassed!
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY COLUMN! I TOLD YOU THERE WAS NO WAY I WOULD LET YOU TAKE OVER! JAMES WAS SUPPOSED TO DO IT!
Moony
(from Ritsuka)

Dear Moony,
James is too busy fawning over Lily. It's MINE now! You're NEVER getting it back!
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
I have a HUGE problem! I have to send a survey to everyone, but I forgot to send one to you! I need you to answer this question for me! What does the follwing word make you think of? Vanilla coke flavored green jello from the land of yellow rubber duck shaped toothpicks?
Ritsuka

Dear Ratful Stinkers,
Dust, green, and sugar.
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
My muses are attacking me! What should I do?
Abigail Nicole

Dear Flabby Nicold,
I don't know, you wrote it! Why are you asking me?
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
During lunch, I ate something orange and striped with black. At first nothing happened. Then I started seeing this really creepy and greasy... thing... walking to the same class as me! I'm scared! Please help!
Ritsuka

Dear Running Tusk,
Don't worry, it was just Snape. He is scary.
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
do you hate me? I mean, yesterday you told me that I looked like a nut. My hair is red, not brown, and you can't eat me. What have I done to you?
-NOT a NUT!
(from Katie Black)

Dear Nutty Carmel Center,
You signed it anonymously. I don't remember all the insults I give out in a day. How do I know if I hate you or not when I don't even know your name?
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
I was just woundering, what are you planning to do to the person or/persons who took your shiny stuff? I'm just curious, that's all.
-person who had NOTHING to do with missing shiny stuff.
(from Chibi)

Dear Person who nothing stole my stuff,
You STOLE It! I will send the wrath of green Jell-o down upon you all! All you evil shiny-stuff stealers! You and the freaky pet lover are going to get a faceful of GREEN JELL-O!
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
Please stop stealing our socks and other belongings. Really. It's getting out of hand. If you don't stop, I will put the Imperius Curse on you.
-Gryffindor-who-wishes-to-be-in-another-House
(from Little House Girl)

Dear Hufflepuff disguised as a Gryffindor,
If the House Elves will give me back MY socks and underwear, then YOU will have YOURS! I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I HAVE UNDERWEAR!!!!!!!
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
We heard from Lily's psychic friend that Moony was sick. So we now come to you with our questions. Why don't you go to Hogsmeade and buy anything you need instead of begging for other people's things?
~The girls from the fifth year girls' dorm.
p.s.: We came up with the conclusion that the black dog is your dog, tell it to stay away from our dorm if it doesn't want to be jinxed.
(from Jade-chan)

Dear Girls in the Dorm of the Fifteenth Years,
Ummm. Because Hogsmeade doesn't have my special Bludger-patterned boxers!!! And don't be mean to my dog! Snuffles needs me! That's cruelty to animals! I'm telling!
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
If you had a book that would let you know all about almost everything... would you read it? Or, would you help me set the common room on fire? My Auntie sent me a box of matches for christmas!
~Pyromaniac Girl
(from Jade-chan)

Dear Pyrotechnical Gal,
I would read the part of it that I wanted to know. Only if it's filled with styrofoam.
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
Why on earth do you like green socks and sparkly things? And why do you hate the sound of styrofoam?
~Curious fifth year
(from Jade-chan)

Dear Inquisitive Fifth Day, If my socks weren't green, they would be covered with mold, so it just blends in! And green socks are AFROFRIZZNISTICK! Sparkly things...they sparkle....pretty...I want to touch it....STYROFOAM!! AAAAHHHH! Have you ever heard styrofoam squeaking? The little annoying voices, grating on your nerves, hurts your teeth...the little squeaking noises in your brain, rats creeping up your body in a room made of styrofoam with no light in sight...AAAHHHHHH!!!
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
You're Potter's best friend, so doesn't it annoy you that he constantly talks about me? Well, it should. You should get him obsessed with something else. Maybe quidditch?
~Lily, from the fifth yr. girls' dorm
(from Jade-chan)

Dear Lily from the Valley of Five Year old Flowers,
He's obsessed with YOU and QUIDDITCH. He only stops talking about you or staring at you when he's on a broomstick.
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
Don't go down the corridors near the kitchens or the Hufflepuff common room. You have been warned.
~The house elves are plotting...
(from Jade-chan)

Dear House Elves in Red Pudding,
What makes you think I know where the Hufflepuff common room is?
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
Why are you so annoying? And your boxer problem...ever think to just go out and buy more? But anyway, my main question for you is this: I know this Gryffindor... Let's call him... oh, i don't know... how about Sirius? Anyway, he's constantly annoying us girls, as well as everyone else in the school, espcially his poor dorm mates. Do you have any ideas on how to make this boy stop bugging us?
~Fed-Up with Sirius~
(from Wiccan Princess)

Dear Feet Up while Snorkling,
Because Hogsmeade doesn't have my Bludger-patterned boxers! He sounds afrofrizznistick. Who is he?
Sirius

Dear Sirius,
Um, right, Hello. How are you these days anyway. As the astranged american exchange student, b/c I am keeping this cannon and not saying I'm anyone's cousin or anything, I need some serious help. Really, no pun intended because that joke is getting old. No one will talk to me and they say that my accent is weird, to top it all off, SOMEONE has told the house elves in the kitchen not to give me anymore food because I'm always up in detention and can't get any food...I'm afraid that its because old snape squealed that I made his hair CLEAN...I mean, come on, that was a benefit to everyone, you can't deny. So could you just let everyone know its me?
-The Astranged American, AKA Lu
PS. I already asked Moony this, but he apparently misunderstood me. I trip over the carpets even when I am barefoot... could you PLEASE explain this to me? Or if you can't could you at least tell me that I'm not insane? *goes off to randomly dance with some cornish pixies*
(from Lilolu)

Dear Strangled American,
I'm fine. Cannon? Where's the cannon? You need MY help? If you washed Snape's hair, you deserve honor and praisings! We scrubbed it in the toilet for weeks and it was still greasy! Okay. HEY EVERYBODY! THE STRANGLED AMERICAN CLEANED SNAPE'S HAIR! Maybe you're allergic to walking over carpets.
Sirius

---

Notebook: Ritsuka and Starchild asked their questions via MSN messenger...I'm [email protected]. TALK TO ME! Anyway. Wicker B, I get all reviews delievered to my inbox, so it should be somewhere...what was the question? Some did not appear because they were to Moony. Did you like Sirius or Moony better? Or should Lilolu give Sirius his own fic as well? She has all premission and praise to do so! *hugs* *gives all the reviewers cookies*