Ask Moony

Hogwarts students have problems, from O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s to boy/girl relationships to Potions homework. To help Gryffindor students with their problems, you can...

Ask Moony

Dear Moony,
I just needed to vent when I wrote that sympathy letter. But anyway, last month I had to serve detention in the Forbidden Forest with a few of my friends but I was bitten by a wolf and I thik it was a werewolf because it was a full moon that night. But now all my dorm mates are calling me "Werewolf Girl" and saying stuff like "careful it's a full moon to night". PLUS, Lucius Malfoy keeps pelting me with silver ball bearings when he sees me in the halls, and now everyone in my year keeps saying to me: "Where's your boyfriend Moony?" cause I wrote you that sympathy letter. I try to tell them you're attached but they keep claiming that you're just lying in order to keep all the girls who like you from always buzzing around you. There's a full moon tonight and I don't know what to do!
-Concerned Girl
(from Elf Girl)

Dear Concerned Girl,
No, really, I am attached. Aladdin Niadra, Ravenclaw Chaser? You'll find out tonight then, won't you?
Moony

Dear Moony,
I think that someone let my secret about styrofoam slip, because now I'm hearing the...squeaking...everywhere I go. I hear it during breakfast, I hear it during quidditch matches, I hear it during Herbology, I even hear it when I'm lying in bed at night. Am I just being paranoid or are the evil styrofoam gods out to get me?
-Scared of styrofoam (Padfoot)
P.S. May I please borrow a pair of boxers?! I'm going insane without any! I'm thinking about going on a house-elf murdering campaign.
(from hpfreak2001)

Dear Padfoot,
It's in your mind. Go get a good memory charm and then go back to sleep.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I s it just me or is Sirius becoming extra paranoid? He keeps wandering around muttering about house elves, ear plugs, squeaking, underwear, Jell-o, styrofoam, chocolate frogs, etc. and he keeps jumping at small noises. What the heck happened to him?!
-Concerned for Padfoot
(from hpfreak2001)

Dear Concerned for Padfoot,
The Styrofoam noises. Don't be; we'll give him a memory charm tonight to shut him up.
Moony

Dear Moony,
There's this girl with whom I share a dorm with who WON'T STOP SINGING! We've all asked her to stop, but she just sings even louder. She sings at all hours of the day and night, and all of us have resorted to temporary silencing charms to shut her up, but those only work for an hour or two, so one of us always has to stay awake to readminister the charm when it starts to wear off. We're starting to lose sleep and our sanity. Please help us!
-Sleepy Sick of Singing
(from hpfreak2001)

Dear Sleepy Sick of Singing,
How about you knock her out before you go to bed at night? Hit her on the head with a Transfiguration book. It works on Sirius.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I saw my best friend become a werewolf and she chased me into the forbidden forest. I'm all alone and dirty. Could you possibly save me?
-Scared
(from Katie Black)
Dear Scared,
I didn't know there were so many werewolves at Hogwarts. Avoid the full moon, and I suggest you wander around...and avoid the acromantula colony.
Moony

Moony,
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU! YOU CHANGED MY NAME! NOW THAT MEANS YOU DON'T LOVE ME! WHY DID YOU CHANGE IT TO HOPELESSLEY IN LOVE WITH ME! I AM GOING TO GET ALADDIN AND SLIT HER THROAT!
- hopelessley in love wih you
(from Melaniewilliamsandharrypotter)
Dear Hopelessly in Love,
Sorry. If you kill Aladdin, I will kill you. Slowly and painfully.
Moony

Dear Moony,
My sister, Kathryn, majorly lacks common sense. At the bottom of her school supply list it said 'please label all supplies', but my sister was so stupid that instead of labeling the actual supplies, she wrote 'Kathryn' next to each supply on the list. Why do you think I have such a retard for a sister?
-Bad Genes
(from permlessgirl)

Dear Bad Genes,
I feel sorry for you, I really do. Maybe she got all the stupid genes in the family. Sirius acts like that sometimes.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have this friend. Her name shall remain unnamed. This Unnamed Friend of mine has a horrible habit of eating grilled cheese sandwiches infront of me, and I'm a vegetarian. How can I stop this madness?
-not a grilled cheese-eater
(from permlessgirl)

Dear Not a Grilled Cheese-Eater,
Grilled cheese is not meat. Do you not eat dairy products either?
Moony

Dear Moony,
There are pirate skeletons that can't die and chase me places. It's strange, unusual, and creepy. How do I kill them?
-Elizabeth Swann
(from permlessgirl)

Dear Elizabeth Swann,
Sorry. Maybe you should go star in a movie with Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have a VERY serious issue about pushpins. You see, I have a collection of pushpins that I keep in my bedside table next to my extra pair of goggles. I've got every color of pushpin that there is- except yellow. But luckily, yesterday I found a yellow pushpin lying on the ground so I picked it up. Unfortunatly, I tasted it and it wasn't banana flavored. What should I do about this?
-Banana Pushpinlesss
(from permlessgirl)

Dear Banana Pushpinless,
I wasn't aware pushpins were flavored, but I think Sirius has some...that might be why he sucks on them all the time.
Moony

Dear Moony,
The house elves keep threatening me with death every time they get near me. My food has been poisened three times in the last week. I woke up last night with my teddy bear decapitated hanging from my bedframe. I think it's because I accidently gave one of them a sock. What should I do?
-Snoddi
(from Eclip0099)

Dear Snoddi,
Run. Very far away.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Can you please tell James to stop obssesing over Lily. It really annoys her and she spends the half the night ranting about what a jerk he is. She spent the entire night for a week ranting to us about the Forbidden Forest incident. You shouldn't complain about about James obssessing over her a 7:30 in the morning. None of us have gotten any sleep in weeks because of her rants. Please make James stay away from Lily so she'll stop ranting to us while we are trying to sleep.
-In Need of Sleep Dorm-Mates
(from little-lost-one)

Dear In Need of Sleep Dorm-Mates,
Yes, but at least yours wasn't a sickening tirade about Lily's perfect porcelin skin, how delicious her eyes look, and exactly what flavor her lip gloss was the one time he got to snog her. We're trying, believe me. But Sirius is being attacked by House-Elves and/or pranking Slytherins, I'm always writing an advice column, James is mooning over Lily, Peter's doing homework... Maybe you should knock Lily out before you go to bed at night. That's what we do with Sirius and he never remembers it the next morning.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Thank you for your advice about the dead people. Lily finally gave me a spork (after much protest) and it scared them away. To show my appreciation, I left a box of honey flavored chocolate by your door.
-no longer stalked
(from little-lost-one)

Dear No longer Stalked,
Thank you so much. I like honey flavored chocolate. But isn't this an advice column?
Moony

Dear Moony,
Go to the common room and 10:30 tonight. You can bring Sirius and Peter but don't bring James. We have a plan to get Lily and James together.
-Lily's dorm-mates
(from little-lost-one)

Dear Lily's dorm-mates,
We're there.
Moony

Dear Moony,
My owl turned up this morning with a letter, (this in not unusual of course) however when I opened it, guess what it was filled with... green jell-o. Tell Sirius to stop sending me jell-o through the post or once I'm done with him he'll never even want to see jell-o again... THANKS!M
-Sick of Jell-o
(from Wiccan Princess)

Dear Sick of Jell-O,
Every time he does it, I suggest you rub two styrofoam cups together. There are some in the kitchens and you can ask any house-elf for some.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I've got a slight problem. Well, last night I had a dream that you were shirtless on a couch reading a book. But that's not my problem. See, my problem is that I'm in love with a dog and he's my friend and he'll never like me. And wait, that's right, your not a romance guy. Anyway, while PMSing horribly, Sirius was being a complete ass to me. But then he was so nice to me about a week later. Is this all in my head. So how was the Yule Ball? Can you tell I just need someone to talk to? Oh, I was abducted by house-elves last night... it was horrible. Funny, I saw you *running* around last night. *smirks* *Jumps up and down, trips, and falls flat on her face* Yes, I'm hyper. coughIlovesiriuscough... omg, did i say that out loud? SHOOT! Okay...bye.
-In love with a dog and hyper
(from Lilolu)

Dear In love with a dog and hyper,
Um...you do have problems. Does everybody know about the Sirius/Dog thing? It probably is. The Yule Ball was nice, me being sick and throwing my guts up in the common room. Yes, I can. You should meet up with Sirius. You'd get together and have seven extremely bouncy children.
Moony

Dear Moony,
How many licks does it take to get the the centre of a Blood-Flavoured Lollipop?
-Just Wondering
(from Deirdre of the Sorrows)

Dear Just Wondering,
Sirius knows. Ask him. He counted in third year. We all sat around while he was going "two thousand, one hundred, thirty three and a half..." and it got really annoying.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Er, I kind of like a certain Slytherin guy. He's not really a bad person, I don't think, he's rather attractive and he's probably nice really deep down, but his hair is rather...disgusting. Do you reckon a scouring charm might work?
-Anonymous
(from Deirdre of the Sorrows)

Dear Anonymous,
No. We tried it and it was...greasy. And Snape is disgusting, I don't care what you say.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I'm beginning to get concerned about James. He's been stalking my like mad lately, but I haven't seen him in two days. Now I know he's stubborn as a bludger, so it seems odd that he's disappeared. Has he lost interest in me finally?
-L.E.
(from Deirdre of the Sorrows)

Dear L.E.,
Have no fear. He still talks about you...between you and me, he's trying the 'hard-to-get' approach your dorm mates told him to do. I don't think they're really interested in your coupleship.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Why are you Gryffindors so bloody mean to Snape? What did he ever do to you? [And don't even think about asking me how a Slytherin like myself got into the Gryffindor paper, okay?] I don't like Snape a bit, either, but he didnt do anything to you! So you guys should really leave him ALONE! And his hair has NOTHING LIVING in it. It's just greasy because the heartless Slytherin boys put a hex on it to stay that way. [P.S. I am a girl who--as my Slytherin friends say-- wears my heart on my sleeve, which is wrong for Slytherin.]
-Angry Slytherin Lady
(from mythfetish)

Dear Angry Slytherin Lady,
Um...no. Sorry. And why would you WANT to be in the Gryffindor paper?
Moony

Dear Moony,
Yes, you are once again hearing from the girls in the 'Snape Fan club' dorm room. We're having yet another problem and it's driving us all (with the exception of our former pyro maniac) mad. Ever since we knitted those green socks a huge black dog has been showing up in our dorm and won't leave till we give him at least five pairs of green socks. We have O.W.L.s coming up! We can't take this! What should we do?
~Annoyed by the obsessed dog
(from Jade-chan)

Dear Annoyed by the obsessed dog,
Next time he does it, tell him you'll set the House-Elves on him if he doesn't quit. I also think it's very smart to write as a whole dorm room.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Sirius has been pranking all the girls non stop. He took one girls tampons and made a garland of them and another time when James was at one end of the hallway just standing there and Lily was walking in his direction, he went in front of Lily and started throwing tampons out of a basket as if he was some sort of flower girl at a wedding. Needless to say, Lily freaked out along with the tampon-less girl. Then another time he stuffed green jello in out pillows and mattresses. He dyed one girl's hair puke green and anothers blonde, squirted honey on us while we were sleeping, toliet papered our dorm, stole some first year girl's chocolate, switched our soap to grease, put peanut butter in our shoes, and stole our homework. Can you please tell him to stop? All the girls have gathered to form a plot to kill him that I can't say I won't help out with.
-annoyed with sirius
(from little-lost-one)

Dear Moony,
HELP! All the girls are plotting to torture and kill me!
-Padfoot
(from little-lost-one)

Dear Padfoot,
I told you not to do the tampon thing. Sorry. Go hide--you know the secret passages.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I finally got tampons but then Sirius stole them again but this time he was throwing them out of a basket when he walked down the hall. Can you please stop Sirius from stealing my tampons?
-tampon-less again
(from little-lost-one)

Dear tampon-less again,
When you walk by Sirius, ask him sweetly if he's on and if he needs any Midol.
Moony

Dear Moony,
My boyfriend left me for my sister. I have six months to live. My cat is dying from cancer. My dog was killed after being hit by a car. Sirius dyed my hair puke green. My parents disowned me and my life is an absolute mess. What should I do? Why does the world hate me?
-messed up life
(from little-lost-one)

Dear messed up life,
Sorry. Maybe you should smile and eat ice cream...and stop thinking.
Moony

Dear Moony,
My muses ran away and decided to run away and join the Russian Circus. Now I have no inspiration to finish my story and my readers are going to kill me. What should I do?
-Muse-less
(from little-lost-one)

Dear Muse-less,
I wouldn't know anything...wait, there's this strange person here...she says her name's Abigail and she wants to tell you something:
Muse-less, I know exactly how you feel! To help cure it, go read my fic Essence of Writer's Block even though it won't help you at all. Then go eat ice cream.
Moony (and Abigail)

Dear Moony,
Why is your nickname Moony? Why does the sky turn green during a tornado? Why is cheddar cheese dyed orange? Why do you give bad feminine advice? Why am I being stalked by a big black dog? Why am I asking these questions?
-Why?
(from little-lost-one)

Dear Why,
Because they think I'm a luna-tic. The sky turns green because the air, which is usually made up of nigrogen and helium, during a storm has different elements in it that refract green rather than blue rays from the sun. Cheddar cheese is dyed orange because it's consumer-friendly. It's because I'm not a girl. Are you wearing green socks? And it's because you need a life.
Moony

Dear Moony,
WHY DID YOU AND YOUR STUPID FRIENDS DYE MY HAIR BACK TO BLONDE? I NEED TO KEEP MY HAIR PURPLE AND OTHER ODD COLORS SO I'M NOT MISTAKEN FOR A 'DUMB BLONDE' AND FORCED TO CONFORM WITH THE REST OF THE PREPS. I DON'T WANT TO BE A SHEEP AND JOIN THE FLOCK OF CONFORMERS. NOW ITS BACK TO ITS NATURAL COLOR OF BLONDE AND IS STUCK LIKE THAT FOR A WEEK! A WEEK!
-unfortunatly blonde
(from little-lost-one)

Dear Unfortunately Blonde,
Um, sorry. Maybe you should get dreadlocks or something so we won't mistake you?
Moony

Dear Moony,
Did you ever notice how beautiful Lily's eyes are? They're like shining pools of green, and you can just drown in them...How should I get Lily to notice me? Huh? Huh? All the other girls EXCEPT for her want to snog me, but she doesn't? Am I THAT ugly?
-Prongs
(from Little House Girl)

Dear Prongs,
Yes, you told us all this morning. Do I look like a love advice counselor? And you are. Go comb your hair.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE! I SAW YOU! NOW I'M GOING TO TELL THE WORLD! MUAHAHAHAHA!
-One who knows the truth
(from Lady Kalan Kaiba of Conte)

Dear One who knows the truth,
Really. I'm a student. How nice.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I have the power to see the future! Your friend Padfoot will be accused of being a murderer and will later die, your friend Prongs will be KILLED viciouslly, and Wormtail will become a death eater! As for you, you'll be a DADA teacher for one year!
-The All Mighty Seer
(from Lady Kalan Kaiba of Conte)

Dear All Mighty Seer,
How nice. You and MST guy should get together sometime.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Lily actually talked to me today. She said "Get away from me you useless prat!" Is that a good sign or a bad one?

-Prongs
(from Lady Kalan Kaiba of Conte)

Dear Prongs,
That is really an obsession. Usually, no.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Can I borrow some underwear. Padfoot stole all of mine.
-Wormtail
(from Lady Kalan Kaiba of Conte)

Dear Wormtail,
No.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I swear, it started with my friends first. So it's their fault. But it wound up being contagious. You see, they had an obsession with sending in their piddling little problems to a sarcastic and extremely unhelpful advice columnist. Although he generally tends to tell them to go find someone who doesn't carry an Y chromosome, they just sob on my shoulder and write more letters to him. And now, you see, I've got the same problem. Don't tell me to get counseling. Do you know how terrible school counselors are? Any suggestions?
-Masochistic
(from Green Eyed Lady)

Dear Masochistic,
What a perfect description of me! Um...maybe you should smile and eat ice cream...and try not to think about anything at all.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Wormtail is really avoiding me. His black eye has mostly cleared up, but whenever I come near him, he still turns and runs as fast as possible in the opposite direction. I really want to know what the heck happened in those seven hours that I don't remember. Please tell me! By the way, I wasn't the one who stole his underwear, can you please tell him that, as he is not speaking to me. It was the house elves. Stupid filthy rotten house elves...
- Padfoot
P.S. I STILL really need underwear! May I PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE borrow ONE pair? Don't make me beg!
P.P.S. There have been several reports of boxers turning up in strange places, but I regret to inform you that none of them are mine.
(from hpfreak2001)

Dear Padfoot,
You were chasing Wormtail around with tweezers demanding his underwear. And there was something about styrofoam squeaking, too.
Moony

Dear Moony,
Sirius is at it again! He must have figured out how to get past the styrofoam squeak hex, because when we woke up this morning, not only were our pillows and mattresses stuffed with green Jell-o, but so were all of our dresser drawers and our trunks! Not only that, but when we went into the bathrooms, the faucets and the showerheads started spraying, not water when turned on, but green Jell-o. Lily's on the borderline of insanity now, due to the whole thing with James and all of the stress of our O.W.L.s looming ever closer. We really, really, really, need your help. I have a feeling that Lily is going to start taking her anger out on us. Can you PLEASE talk to Sirius? And maybe get Lily some counseling? You seem to be relly good at getting people counseling.
Thank you,
-Fed up with Jell-o, formerly Wreaking Revenge
(from hpfreak2001)

Dear Fed up with Jell-O,
Um, yeah. Sorry. Tell Lily that Madam Pompfrey can get her counseling. And we'll....um...duck tape Sirius to the bedpost or something.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I don't even know why I'm wasting parchment and ink on this but, you just tell those friends of yours to stay out of my way! Picking on me just because your friends are bored! Hmph! Snivellus, indeed!
~Your Worst Nightmare
(from Black Puppy)

Dear (Not)Worst Nightmare,
Oh, I'm sorrry, Snivvy dear. Were we botherng you? I'll send you a hex by return mail.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I'm a ghost and i'm sick and tired of those other prat ghosts not letting me join the headless hunt!! Could you possibly convince them to let be join?
~Almost Headless and Sick of It
(from Slytherin Elf)

Dear Almost Headless,
Sorry.
Moony

Dear Moony,
I tore a really old piece of parchment to shreds. But now I can't go out because a big black dog and a stag chase me into the Forbidden Forest. Why?
-Insane
(from Luck Fairy)

Dear Insane,
It could have something to do with THAT PARCHMENT IS A MAP THAT TOOK US THREE MONTHS TO MAKE!!!!!
Moony

Dear Moony,
Why does somebody in your family always get sick at the full moon? And my friend put a secret camera in your dorm room. So now we're wondering why your friends are never in their beds on the full moon.
-Snake
(from Luck Fairy)

Dear Snake,
Do you people have nothing better to do than put cameras in our room and spy on us? We're usually out pranking every night. Might I remind you video cameras don't work at Hogwarts? This is all an elaborate attempt to get me confess that I'm in the Astronomy tower with someone, isn't it?
Moony

Dear Moony,
The pear isn't ticklish anymore. Instead it wants me to make it a sandwich except I don't have anything to make one with because if I did, I wouldn't be in this mess because I wanted a sandwich in the first place. So will you make me a sandwich? And do you think my problem has anything to do with the big black dog sneaking in and out of Gryffindor Tower with a pear costume in his mouth?
-Sandwich Lover
(from Luck Fairy)

Dear Sandwich Lover,
Um...the pear is ticklish. Wait until you have Sirius with you.
Moony

Dear Professor Lupin,
Where's my mum and dad? I want to se them 'cause they're dead now. And Sirius too. What's Wormtail doing here, the traitor? And is it okay if I add to the Maurader's Map?
-Harry Potter
Dear Harry Potter,
Who are you? Who are your mum and dad? Why is Wormtail a traitor? What do you want to add to the Marauder's Map? What's the deal with calling me Professor?
Moony

Dear Moony,
It's 2:30 in the morning! If you don't stop that horrible quill scratching on parchment sound, I'm going to go over there and bite you.
~Padfoot
(from Black Puppy)

Dear Padfoot,
You're just adding to the problem by writing me, but yes, I am done now.
Moony

Do you want Moony to answer your questions? Send them to room ten, boys dorms, third door on the left, and YOU might appear in Ask Moony!

---

Notes: Thanks to little-lost-one for pointing out that I forgot to answer one of the letters...I'm so embarrassed! I also can't hear but that's probably because I have "Unwell" by Matchbox 20 playing at the top of my speaker volume. Ugh.

This really is the last chapter before I go to California, and I put it up even though it is shorter than the others cause chapter 6 will be huge. I think Lilolu's post sounded strangely like me. Did I write that...? Deidre of the Sorrows, Lady Kalan Kaiba of Conte, and little-lost-one, you are super reviewers! So many questions!