Walrus

Walrus

Peter Pettigrew walked into the muggle diner on a cold Saturday evening. He was there to meet his friends James, Lily, Sirius and Remus, from whom he had been separated for several years following his decision to join the British Royal Navy. With his tour of duty now over, he had been eager to reunite with his friends ever since he had gotten the letter from Lily, who was the only one who knew how to use muggle post. He was re-reading that letter now to make sure he was at the right place.

Dear Peter, it read, Thank you for sending us the letter about you coming home soon. We are filled with the utmost joy now that we know we will finally see you again. We will meet you at the diner we used to go to in the summers when you'd visit me at 7:15 P.M. on Saturday. Come early, and sit at the booth closest to the door. And wear your uniform if you can, Sirius is just dying to see what it looks like. What a fool! Oh well, Good night sweet prince, may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest! I hope to see you soon.

With love,

Lily.

He folded it up again and sat down at the nearest booth. It's just like her to use a Shakespeare quote at the end of the letter, he thought as he sat down. Shortly after they had all met at Hogwarts, Lily had stubbornly insisted that they all start reading all of Shakespeare's plays. It was all gibberish to Peter, but he still cherished his collection of Shakespeare plays, because it reminded him of his friends.

Peter thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the arrival of three complete strangers, who were obviously muggles. He examined them closely. The man across from him was dressed in a green shirt and blue jeans, and sitting next to him was a man who seemed especially odd to Peter, who had become accustomed to military life for the past few years. The man had long brown hair reaching to his shoulders and a long brown beard to match, both of which clashed horribly with his bright orange shirt. And sitting next to Peter was a tall, blond woman with beautiful green eyes, and long hair down to her waist. She was looking at Peter rather fondly for someone he'd never met.

"Er-I don't mean to be rude, but could you please go? I'm expecting some company soon," said Peter.

"Man, it's all cool. My name is Geo, and these are my friends Cass and Ar," said the muggle with the long brown hair, pointing at the woman and other man.

"I'm Peter. Such odd names and accents," Peter said with a grin. "You three must be Yanks."

"We're from the Land of Freedom, man. Would you like to join us?"

"Uh, where is this 'Land of Freedom,' Geo?" Peter asked.

"On an uncharted island, of course. No rules, no government. It's the perfect place for what we believe in, which is-"

"Truth," Ar said.

"Beauty," Cass said, her blonde hair suddenly very obvious.

"Freedom," Geo said. "And above all things-"

"Love!" they all squealed in unison. Peter flinched.

"Freedom and love, man, what more could you ask for?" Geo said. "Join us!"

"I'm sorry, I'd rather wait for my friends," Peter said reluctantly. This 'Land of Freedom' did sound appealing, but he couldn't just leave his friends behind.

"That's cool, man," Geo said, still friendly. "I'd like to ask you, though, who do you think we should invite to our island next; the Beatles, or Fidel Castro?"

"Why would we want to invite the Beatles, Geo?" said Ar. "Almost all their songs are about are drugs."

"I'm tired of having this discussion over and over again, Ar. This is so un-cool, man."

"Look," he said to Peter and Cass, "consider 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.' Lucy. Sky. Diamonds. L.S.D.! And what do you think 'I Am The Walrus' was all about?"

Peter had heard that... song during his tour of duty one too many times for his sanity, and had required counseling. Fortunately, he had recovered. "Goo goo g' joob?" he asked.

Ar raised an eyebrow and looked at Peter very curiously before saying, "Exactly." He paused for a moment, then continued, "Well, who do you think we should choose, Pete?"

"You might as well try Fidel Castro, he ought to be easy enough to find," said Peter.

"Thanks, man," Geo said as Peter's three visitors got up to leave. Geo continued, looking at Ar as they walked towards the door, "We'll be going now, to continue our mission of spreading-"

"Truth," Ar said, sighing.

"Beauty," said Cass, her beautiful hair once again obvious.

"Freedom," Geo said. "And above all things-"

"Love!" the three of them squealed as they left the diner, leaving Peter alone once again. He really didn't mind that so much. He was now free once again to ponder his own thoughts while he waited for his friends. He definitely did not want to think about 'I Am The Walrus' any more. The Song had caused him too much trauma already.

It wasn't that he disliked the melody. He simply could not make sense of the words. They must mean something, he had thought, everything means something. But as much as he had tried to decipher the hidden meaning of the lyrics, he had been unable to find any sort of meaning at all. And as he kept searching, he lost faith that anything had a meaning, and his work and social life began to suffer because of his obsession. Eventually, his fellow officers had noticed, and he was sent to counseling, which had helped. He had decided that he simply didn't like the song anymore, and avoided thinking about it whenever he could.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sudden arrival of Remus and Sirius. "Hey, Wormtail," Sirius said.

Peter looked up, and smiled, no longer thinking about 'I Am The Walrus.' "Padfoot! It's great to see you," he said, standing up to embrace his friends. "And Remus, nice to see you again too!"

"Same here, buddy," Sirius said, smiling. Then he started laughing wildly for no apparent reason.

"Sirius!" Remus snapped. "I hope you aren't thinking about sacrificing Snape's... thing to God again! Remember what happened the last time we tried that?"

That shut Sirius up for a moment. "I wasn't thinking about that, Remus," said Sirius. "I was looking at the ridiculous uniform that Peter's wearing."

"Sorry," Remus said. "but I can never be too careful around you."

"Apology accepted, Moony," Sirius said, giving his friend a friendly slap on the back. Remus rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Why is my uniform ridiculous?" Peter asked.

Sirius shrugged and replied, "All military uniforms are ridiculous. I never fail to get a laugh out of looking at somebody wearing one."

"Even when that person is me?" Peter replied back.

"Sorry, Peter," said Sirius.

"Everything's O.K., Sirius I've learned to put up with a lot from you."

"Thank you, Wormtail."

After the three of them sat down, with Sirius sitting next to Peter, and Remus sitting across from them, Peter broke the ice saying, "I can see that I've missed a lot the past few years. What is this about Sirius trying to sacrifice something to God?"

"You don't want to know," said Remus, looking nauseous.

"Snape got it back eventually," Sirius said. Then he leaned over to Peter and continued, "Not before I turned it pink, though. I turned everything he owned pink. Everything." He chuckled.

"Perhaps I really don't want to know, Sirius. Where are James and Lily?" Peter replied.

"Well, they just had a child about a month ago, and the child is a real handful. They can't leave him alone for one second without him wrecking the house. So we're going to go to their place as soon as you're ready," Remus said. Then he lowered his voice and said, "We know you don't have your apparition license, so there's a portkey nearby which will take us to their house."

"Oh shit," Peter said quietly, already feeling a little queasy. He had always preferred Floo Powder to travel by portkey, because the last time he had used a portkey, he had puked several days worth of food all over a crowd of wizards and witches at a restaurant, which was a not a very pleasant memory, for him or anyone else except Sirius, who thought the whole thing was funny. "Can't we use Floo Powder instead? I'd rather suffer the Cruciatus Curse than travel by portkey."

Sirius and Remus exchanged dark looks. "That isn't funny, Peter," Sirius said.

"Peter," Remus continued, "Voldemort's been getting stronger since you left. And he uses... that curse you spoke of a moment ago without any hesitation. Thousands have suffered. That's why it's not really appropriate to joke about the Cruciatus Curse anymore. Or any of the other Unforgivable Curses, for that matter. Voldemort uses them all very frequently."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know," Peter said. "Please forgive me, Sirius."

"No harm done," Sirius replied. "Just don't do it again."

Changing the subject, Peter said, "When can we go to see James and Lily?"

"Now, if you want. In fact, you can stay with them if you want, until you can get a house," Sirius said.

"That's generous of them," Peter said. "Let's go."

* * *

Ten minutes later, Peter, Sirius, and Remus arrived by portkey at the front door of James and Lily's house. Peter now felt like tons of junk food had been forced down his throat. Some things haven't changed at all, Peter thought to himself as he clutched his stomach, thinking he would upchuck a lot more than bad vocabulary in a few moments. Fortunately, he didn't. Sirius knocked on the door four times. Da da da DAAAAA!

A moment later, James opened the door, looking like the end of the world. Then he saw Peter, and he brightened up. "Welcome, friends! Lily, Peter's here!"

"Let them in, silly James!" said a heavenly voice from deep inside the house, which was music to all who heard it. The sublime music of Lily's speech was followed by the harsh discordance of a baby crying.

"NOT AGAIN!!!!" James shouted, almost louder than a Howler. "Come in," he said to his guests after he had calmed down. They all walked through the door into a small, carpeted room, with some coat racks off to the side, and once they were inside, sitting on the floor of the front room, James ran down a nearby hall to check on his son.

After a few minutes, James came back and joined them on the floor. "Sorry," James said, "The Baby needed his diapers changed yet again."

"Couldn't Lily have taken care of that?" Peter asked.

"The Baby is such a powerful wizard that sometimes, certain things can be a lot harder than the vast millions of babies in this world usually are," James answered with a sigh.

"Why do you refer to your child as 'The Baby,' James? What's his name?" Peter asked.

"His name is Harry," James said quickly. "He's so... upsetting sometimes that it calms me down to think of him as a thing rather than a person."

"That doesn't sound right," Peter said quietly. "Don't you like being a father?"

"Sure, it's nice having a child," James answered. "I just wish that he were an adolescent already!" He paused. "I suppose I'll get used to this eventually."

"I know you will, Prongs," Sirius said. "You'll be a great father. You just need to learn to be more relaxed about. What happens will happen, and there's nothing you can do to change that."

"Yeah, you're right, Padfoot," James said. "He's just such a pain in the ass sometimes."

"What's right isn't always easy," Peter said.

"Thank you, Peter," James said.

There was suddenly a lot of racket coming from down the hall where James had just been. "What's that noise?" Remus asked, his usually detached self now stirred by curiosity.

"Oh, it's a muggle device Lily got a while back, hoping that it could calm down Harry," James said.

"What's it called?" Sirius asked.

"A telefishing, or something like that," James said. "I don't know what it has to do with fishing, though."

"I believe you are referring to a television," said Remus. "It's a device that displays entertainment for muggles."

"That makes a lot more sense," Peter said.

"I'd like to see this 'television,' Prongs," said Sirius with a grin.

"Follow me," said James, smiling for the first time since he had opened the door and let them in. He led them down a short hall to a larger room with several couches and chairs, and a television against one of the walls. Lily was sitting on one of the couches holding Harry in her arms. As they walked in, they could see that there was a short, animated, dark haired man wearing spotted orange clothing on the televison.

James walked over to his wife and son and slipped his arm around her, smooching her on the neck. "I see you've got the baby calm now, thank any and all gods," James said.

"Yeah, this show is a miracle for little Harry," she said. "It won't last forever, though. Oh well, 'The course of true love never did run smooth,' I suppose."

"More Shakespeare, hmm," James said.

"It won't last forever, hmm," said Sirius, looking unusually thoughtful. Then he suddenly snapped around to face the T.V., pulled out his wand, and shouted out a bizarre incantation.

"No, Sirius, don't do it!" Remus shouted, but it was too late. The television started to glow red, and suddenly, a person popped out of thin air in front of the television. He was Fred Flintstone.

Fred looked at the people in front of him, all of who were staring at him. "Uh... Dino, I don't think we're in Bedrock anymore." He looked around. "DINO?!" he shouted, suddenly very anxious.

Meanwhile Remus was suddenly very panicky. "Sirius!" he screamed. "Don't you know what happens when wizards conjure people or creatures like you just did?"

"No, what?" said Sirius, puzzled.

But before Remus could answer, the entire room shook, and suddenly three people apparated into the already crowded room. The leader was a tall, dark haired woman, and there were two men on either side of her, both with short, blonde hair. One of them had an unusual tank with a gas mask attached to it on his back. The woman spoke, "I am the dreaded Fexofenadine Bodura-Dooper, and these are my servants, Bob Bodura-Dooper and Id."

"Noooooo, not the dreaded Fexofenadine Bodura-Dooper and her two evil henchmen Bob and Id!!!!" James screamed.

Peter, Sirius, and Fred obviously did not know who the dreaded Fexofenadine Bodura-Dooper was, and so Remus explained her to them. "She's the leader of the largest magical prostitution ring in the world. As such, she likes to have a monopoly on the conjuring of living beings, so she can use them as her prostitutes. She's a pimp, and she's been known to do horrible things to people who conjure living beings without her permission. Like you did just now, Sirius."

"I'm sorry," said Sirius quietly.

"Magic? Conjuring? What's going on? Where am I?" Fred shouted.

"It's a long story, Fred Flintstone," Lily said.

"SILENCE!" shouted Fexofenadine. "I have come for the one called Fred Flintstone, who has just been conjured by Sirius Black. Flintstone shall become one of my prostitutes, and all of you will be tortured and killed!"

"We won't let you take him, you foul slut!" Lily shouted with unusual vehemence. Her voice no longer sounded even remotely musical now.

"I am not a slut, though I thank the gods I am foul," stated Fexofenadine.

"Oh shit! She can quote Shakespeare!" Peter screamed.

"I can do a lot of things, and so can my servants, when I tell them to. Id, take care of them," Fexofenadine ordered as she snapped her fingers.

"Are you sure that's wise, my lady?" said Bob, looking concerned. "Id is very vicious and brutal..."

"SILENCE!" Fexofenadine shouted.

Id, who was the one with the gas tank, did something very odd. He took the mask in his hand, put it over his mouth, and inhaled deeply, almost as though he was sucking the air out of something. After he removed the mask, an insane smile came across his face. He lifted his wand and shouted "Crucio Totalus!" Everyone in the room except for Fexofenadine, Bob, and Id suddenly found themselves under the Cruciatus Curse.

Once it was lifted, lots of noise filled the room as everyone grunted and exhaled in relief. Peter was the first to get up. His military training had taught him how to deal with physical pain.

"Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moon light? Well, I smell bacon, I smell pork. Run little piggy, I got a fork," said Id menacingly, leering at Peter.

"Go away," Peter said, trying to sound braver than he felt. He didn't like thinking about pigs, it reminded him of that appalling song.

Almost as if he were reading Peter's mind, Id started to sing, "I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. See how they run like pigs from a gun see how they fly. I'm crying."

"No! Not 'I Am The Walrus!' Please, stop!" Peter cried, trying in vain to cover his ears and block out the song. This was worse than the Cruciatus Curse for him.

But Id would not stop, he had now reached the chorus. "I am the eggman, they are the eggmen I am the walrus, goo goo g' joob!"

Peter was on his knees. Only now was everyone else beginning to recover from the agony of the Cruciatus Curse. Not knowing what else to do, Peter suddenly burst forth in rapturous melody, "The hills are alive, with the sound of music. With songs they have sung for a thousand years!"

And suddenly, Peter was the one standing, and Id was on the ground, shrieking in agony, until he finally fainted, after which Peter stopped singing. By now, everyone else had gotten up. James and Lily were checking on Harry, who was crying louder than anyone had ever heard him cry before. Sirius and Remus had gotten up, and were now standing on either side of Peter, trying their best to look intimidating to the bad guys. Fexofenadine was still smiling.

"Bob, do your worst," she said.

Bob stepped forward nervously, held out his wand, and said "Ekki-ekki-ekki-ekki-ptang-zoom-boing-mrowr!" Nothing happened. "Wait, that's not the right spell... ah, now I have it!" he pondered. "Nee!" he shouted.

Once again, nothing happened.

"We aren't afraid of the Knights Who Say Nee, Bob," Sirius said menacingly, his hands transforming into fists of fury. But he did not use his fists. Instead, he brought up his foot and kicked Bob straight who flew back, hit the wall, and crumpled to the floor in an awkward heap.

Remus moved closer to Fexofenadine, looking at her closely. "You're not a witch," he said quietly, the truth now dawning on him. "You're a squib! Now you can't get away from us, because they were helping you apparate, weren't they? Weren't they?" said Remus, indicating her two unconscious henchmen.

"So what?" Fexofenadine spat out. "I can still get away by other means." She brought up her foot and kicked Remus to the floor. She then ran past him and out the door.

Peter and Sirius immediately dropped what they were doing, which was absolutely nothing, and ran out of the house after her, onto the streets.

As they ran down the now darkened streets, it quickly became clear that Fexofenadine was in excellent physical shape, and that Sirius... was not. Soon, Sirius had to stop running. But Peter, having been in the military for several years, was in excellent shape, and continued to pursue Fexofenadine.

And soon, Peter was far away from where James and Lily lived in a place that was unfamiliar to him. Peter realized that he would have to end this chase soon, because he would have to find his way back to James, Lily, Sirius, and Remus soon due to the fact that he couldn't apparate Fexofenadine into custody and then apparate back. He didn't have his wand either, so he decided his best option would be to try and intimidate her, even though he was not very good at doing that. Hell, it could make her give up.

"I'm insane with anger!" Peter yelled loudly. "You can't get away from me! I've got... magic! If you don't stop now, I'm going to stone... I mean stun you into oblivion and all that really bad stuff!"

And amazingly, she did begin to slow down. Then he noticed much to his horror that he was beginning to slow down too, and a distantly familiar sense of cold came over him. He looked up and saw the source of their discomfort: six helicopters, all flown by dementors, were pursuing them. They were the death patrols of Voldemort. No, not dementors in whirlybirds! Peter thought frantically.

Trying to keep himself calm and focused, he thought about why they would be here. Voldemort must want a monopoly on being evil, and he certainly wouldn't want a squib competing with him in evildoing. They're after Fexofenadine.

Up ahead, he noticed that Fexofenadine had already collapsed, even though the dementors were still in the helecopters. He caught up to her and kneeled down next to her, checking to see if she was all right. Then he looked up and saw that two of the helicopters had landed, and that several dementors were walking toward them. He could no longer hold it back. Unhappy memories started to flood over him as he lost consciousness.

He remembered the three weeks of counseling during his troubles with the song 'I Am The Walrus,' when he had lost his faith that life had a meaning. It had been a horrible time, for a while it seemed like no one cared about him. But he had gotten over that.

He remembered the death of his brother, Joseph, at the hands of the Death Eaters. Joseph had died trying to save his muggle-born wife, Mary, from Voldemort. But no one could stand up to Voldemort. However, he had also gotten over that, eventually.

He remembered the night at Hogwarts when he met his first and only true love, and lost her the same night. James, Sirius, and Remus had been away pulling a prank, and he was waiting for them outside the portrait hole. His seventh year was almost over. Having nothing else to do, he started a conversation with the Fat Lady.

She had been very understanding of his situation. She was, after all, a picture on a wall. Not very many people were willing to talk to her for very long. In fact, Peter was the first. And Peter loved finally having someone else to talk to other than his prankster friends.

Peter had stood up to look at her. "You're a very beautiful picture," he had said. Then he pulled out his wand and chanted a spell he had learned from Remus. He was now in the picture with the Fat Lady.

And soon, they were kissing each other, and they made love in the night, to the ancient melody of the cello, and all was well and right with the world. But it could not last forever. Nothing does.

Soon, he had to leave the portrait. And he couldn't go back.

He had never gotten over that loss.

When he finally awoke several hours later, Peter found the unaware, soulless body of Fexofenadine Bodura-Dooper lying next to him. He could no longer hold back the tears that had been flooding through him. I'm crying, he thought to himself. And his friends weren't there to help or comfort him.

Suddenly, help arrived from an unexpected source. A car pulled up to where he was. The doors opened and out came Geo, Ar, and Cass.

"What's wrong, Pete?" Ar said.

"Too much," Peter said. Then he noticed that they were wearing wizard robes. "You're wizards?"

"Excuse me, I'm a witch," Cass said indignantly.

"Yes, we are. I'm guessing that you are too?" Geo said.

"Yes,

"What happened to this girl?" Ar asked, indicating Fexofenadine.

"Dementors got to her," Peter said. Everyone winced.

"Do you have somewhere to go?" Cass asked.

"Yes, I was just visiting my friends James and Lily Potter. The live far down the road that way," Peter said, pointing down the road.

"We'll take you there," Geo said.

"Thank you," Peter said. They all got into the car. And as they left, another thought occurred to Peter: Why did the dementors spare me?

* * *

Five minutes late, they had arrived back at James and Lily's house. Everyone was sitting on the front doorstep.

"Peter!" Lily shouted. "What happened?"

"Dementors got her," was all that Peter said. He didn't feel like saying much more than that. He saw Sirius sitting on the steps. "I'm glad to see you made it back all right, Sirius."

"Thank you. I'm sorry I couldn't keep up. I guess I should start exercising more," Sirius replied wearily.

"It's O.K., Sirius. I just hope you never have to deal with dementors," Peter said. He looked around. "Where's that television person Sirius conjured?"

James, who was sitting next to Lily and Harry, brought out another baby, this one looking several years older than Harry.

"Apparently, Sirius's conjuring spell didn't work too well," Remus said. "Fred Flintstone has regressed to about the age of 4, and will probably have no memory of who he is when he grows older. Nothing stays unchanged forever. Maybe that's for the better. I don't know what we'll do with him though."

"We'll take care of him," said Cass, who had come out of the car with Geo and Ar.

"Who are you?" James asked.

"They're some American wizards I met at the diner before you came. Their names are Geo, Ar, and Cass. They found me with Fexofenadine's body on the side of the road, and were kind enough to drive me back here. They really are nice once you get to know them," Peter said.

"Do you really want to take care of him?" James asked Ar.

"Of course," said Ar. "I think we'll have to give him a different name, though. It probably wouldn't be right for him to grow up with the name of a muggle T.V. character. What do you think we should name him, Geo?"

"How about Marcus Flint?" Geo said.

"That sounds like a good name," Cass said.

James got up and handed the newly christened Marcus Flint to Cass. "Thank you," said James. "One child is enough for me."

"You're welcome. Thank you for giving us the child," Cass said.

"You're welcome," James replied.

"We'll be going now," Ar said.

"Thank you for bringing Peter back," Sirius said.

"No problem," Geo said.

Before Geo, Ar, and Cass got into their car, though, Peter's curiosity overwhelmed him and he asked Ar a question. "I understand what Geo and Cass are short for. But what's Ar short for?"

"My name's Aaron," Ar said as he got into the car with his friends, to spread more truth, beauty, freedom, and above all things love. And as the car drove away into the nighttime darkness, Peter somehow thought that that name sounded familiar.