Harry Potter and the Dark Lord's Duplicate

Chapter 1

The time had finally come for Harry to return to Hogwarts after an extremely long summer at the Dursley's. For some reason, Dumbledore refused to let Harry leave his hated muggle relatives' home. Nonetheless, Harry was back on the Hogwarts Express and had put his awful summer behind him.

Ron and Harry sat in the back compartment of the train, pigging out on chocolate frogs and every-flavor beans. A girl entered; Harry saw that she was very pretty. They immediately jumped up and tried to wipe the chocolate from their mouths.

"Hi guys!" said the beauty casually. Harry realized who the girl was. Hermione.

"Hi," Harry managed to choke out; his friend had completely transformed over two months. She could go on one of those "Geek to Hottie" talk shows!

"What are you staring at?" she asked, smiling, as she plopped down next to Ron, "Oh! The hair! I spent the summer visiting relatives in the States. My cousin introduced me to Frizz-ease, an American muggle hair potion."

Harry grinned to himself. It was more then her hair that had changed. Ron's eyes agreed, and Harry and Ron exchanged a "she's mine" glance. Both immediately got on one knee and proclaimed their love for her.

"I know how to solve this!" exclaimed Hermione, "In the States, the Muggles have a television show called 'Dawson's Creek;' it'll give you all the advice you need."

"Ok," said Harry.

"Great," said Ron. It appeared as though the two friends had called a truce as the train pulled into Hogsmeade station.

*****************************
All of the returning students were ushered into the hall, and as they sat down, many gaped at a spindly-legged girl who was towering over the trembling crowd of first-years.

"Blimey," whispered Ron to Hermione, "She's awful tall for an eleven-year-old."

"Yeah! She looks like she's taller than you!" Hermione replied. Dumbledore crossed the stage, gestured for the giant to come out of the crowd, and said, "Everyone, this is Mary Sue. As you can tell, she's not a first year. She has been living abroad and completing assignments by owl-spondence."

He placed the beaten-up Sorting Hat on her golden head; it called out "Gryffindor."
Mary Sue crossed the room over to the Gryffindor table and plopped down next to Hermione. After the sorting was finished, from "Applegate, Charlie--Hufflepuff," to "Zangini, Sue--Ravenclaw," everyone filed out of the Great Hall. Harry walked alone for the first time in his Hogwarts career.

"Britney Spears rocks my world," said George to the portrait of the fat lady who guarded Gryffindor tower, "New password. It works on so many levels."

A quiet voice belonging to Neville Longbottom inquired, "Britney Spears is a wizard?"
"How do you think she got so much fame with so little talent?" George replied. Harry and Ron mounted the stairs, entering the hushed stillness of the fifth-year dormitory. Harry felt as if he'd finally come home, comforted by the sight of the 4-poster beds. After Neville, Dean, and Seamus Finnigan had fallen asleep, snoring rather loudly, Ron and Harry sat up.

"Let's do it," said Ron.

"Okay, just don't cry when we find out that I'm the one who should get the girl."

"Maybe you should take a hint from Malfoy and get a box of tissues."

Harry pointed his wand at an empty spot on the floor and said, "Duba Duba Duba-ya B-us"

Figures resembling James Van Der Beek and Joshua Jackson materialized, both looking very confused.

"Um, Dawson," said Pacey, "Where's the creek?"

"Beats me, dude," Dawson replied, looking around the room in amazement. He grabbed Harry's wand and would have made an obscene gesture with it if Harry hadn't shouted, "Accio" just in time.

"Dude! Are you guys like from Buffy? Have you met her? She's sooooo hot," said Dawson.
After being able to only hear the word "Dude" for 15 minutes, Harry and Ron shoved the two dudes in the closet, defeated.

"Hey, could you like get me Buffy's autograph? She's sooo hot. Dude, did you just fart?" said a muffled voice from inside the closet.

Chapter 2

Harry sat at the very end of the Gryffindor table, lacklusterly stirring his oatmeal and listening to the bustling sounds of the Great Hall. Although he could hear the familiar voices, he felt as though he was separate from them. How poetic, he mused. Not.

"Hi!" said a peppy voice in a half-British-half-American accent, "Can I sit here?"

"Sure," Harry replied, not bothering to look up from his breakfast that he continued to stir with his spoon. When he did manage to glance at the tall, blonde beauty sitting next to him, he mumbled something that sounded a great deal like, "Blimey she's hot," and said, "Harry Potter," extending a trembling hand.

"Mary Sue Malfoy," she replied, shaking his hand. Harry choked on his juice, "Malfoy? You're not related to THAT Malfoy, are you?"

"Sadly, yes. He's my cousin."

"But the Malfoys are all in Slytherin. Why aren't you?"

"My mum was in Gryffindor...Lucius hated my dad for marrying her...She was a muggle. We had to move to Texas just to get away from the rest of the family."

"Texas?"

"Yeah, I rode a horse to school everyday."

"Really?" said Harry, his eyes lighting up like when a PMSing woman sees chocolate.

"Of course not," she replied, stifling giggles, "I lived in the city. The only horses I saw were in pony rides at birthday parties."

Harry's face turned bright red.

"Ooh!" she exclaimed, noticing the paper he was clutching, "Can I see your schedule?" (saying it like shedjewl...the nifty British way)

She snatched the paper from his hand (still quivering slightly) and read it excitedly.

"Wow! We're in all the same classes!"

Harry was giddy; he could feel his face going pink again. Then he realized that Ron was in all of his classes, too, and he certainly didn't want Ron to see the beauty he had discovered.
Just then, Hermione struggled into the Great Hall looking exhausted. Harry presumed that she must have been up all night. She nodded at Mary Sue and slid into the seat next to her.

"Hi Mary Sue," she said, "I see you've met Harry."

She gave him a don't-even-think-about-it-it's-her-first-day look, and Harry swore something jabbed him in the leg.

"Oh no!" he said, looking down at his crumpled schedule, "We have Potions with the Slytherins first."

"I don't mind Pansy Parkinson so much. She's nice to me because she fancies Draco. I imagine she'll be pretty embarrassed when she finds out I'm half-muggle."

Harry and Hermione laughed, and they all scuttled off to Potions. Snape's dungeon was precisely how Harry remembered it--gloomy and drippy, with a strong odor of mildew seeping out of the walls. He spotted two empty seats in the back of the classroom, and he and Mary Sue slumped into them.

"Now then," said Snape in his usual condescending tone, "I'm assuming you all completed your summer assignments. Who can tell me the proper amount of boar's nails to use in the Grow-o-matic potion?"

"Hermione's hand shot up, as usual, and, to Harry's surprise, Mary Sue's hand was raised as well. A strange smile spread across Snape's face, and he said, "Yes, Miss Malfoy?"

"There is no boar's nail in grow-o-matic potion."

"Correct! Perhaps, Mr. Malfoy, you could learn a thing or two from your cousin."
Hermione scowled; Harry grinned. He scribbled something on a scrap of parchment and passed it to Mary Sue. She read:
"Perhaps you could teach me a thing or two, as well. After dinner? In the library?
Mary Sue smiled and nodded at Harry thinking, "He's so dreamy! Granted, he has the intellect of George W, but he's still dreamy."

********************************
Harry spotted Mary Sue browsing through some potion books in the library.

"So hot...want to touch the hiney," he thought as he approached her, "Oh, I hope she likes me! Who am I kidding? All the girls love me! Harry's da man! Harry's da man!"
He tapped her on the shoulder saying, "I want you...er...I mean...I want your hot body next to mine...er...I mean I want you--your help in Potions."

"Right...So what do you *want* me to help you with?" she said, handing him a heavy book with "Potions For Dummies" written across the front of it.

"Um...that spell we did in class...what was it called?...er...How do I say this?...I justaskedyouheresothatIcouldtalktoyouIlikeyoudoyoulikemeyesorno?"
She grinned, leaned in closer to Harry so that it made him kind of squirmy, and whispered,

"Yes."

"So, um, do like want to make out?"

"Sure."

CENSORED

********************************
Harry slept more soundly that night than he could ever remember because all night long, he dreamt sweet dreams about his beloved Mary Sue. He couldn't stand to be apart from her; he missed her more than a fat man misses hamburgers. He rose early the next morning.

"Ron?" he called out into the darkness.

"Yeah," said a groggy voice.

"Let's be friends again!"

"Okay."

Everything was hunky-dory again, or so it seemed...

Chapter 3

Harry and Ron, who were now "mates" again, happily walking down the hallway on a lovely Saturday morning. Harry pulled a book out of his pocket.

"So...you like Hermione?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"Here. You can have this. Your brothers gave it to me for my birthday."
Ron took the book from Harry Potter, looked over it, and smiled.

"Gilderoy Lockhart's Guaranteed Pick-up Lines?" he scanned the first page, "You must be tired, 'cause you've been running around my mind all day?"

"Apparently, that's George's favorite," Harry said, pointing to the twin, who was chasing after a Hufflepuff seventh-year, yelling the pick-up line Ron had just read. The two chuckled and sat down at the Gryffindor table, where Mary Sue and Hermione were waiting for them. As everyone filed into the Great Hall, Dumbledore crossed the room to the stage.

"Students...Students...Please take your seats. I have an important announcement...Because of the widespread appeal of last year's Yule Ball, we're going to have another dance."
Parvati and Lavender let out squeals.

"Please control yourselves. Two weeks from now, we will have the Fall Ball. We will also be crowning a Fall Ball King and Queen. Those wishing to nominate themselves must submit their names to the Goblet of Popularity. Now, just as last year, only those in their fourth-year and up may attend... That is all."

"Gee golly Harry, are you going to submit your name to the Goblet of Popularity?" said Colin Creevey, approaching Harry.

"I dunno," Harry shrugged, focusing on his eggs. Ron leaned over to Hermione and whispered something in her ear that sounded a great deal like, "If I was in charge of the alphabet, I'd put U and I together."

Harry noticed that their feet were touching more often than what could just be accidental.
Fred and George approached the table. They were the new Quidditch co-captains.

"Oi Harry! Quidditch practice in 15 minutes!" they chimed.

"Is it too late for me to try out for the team?" asked Mary Sue. George and Fred grinned with a glazed-over "anything for the hottie" look.

"Sure," said Fred, "What position do you play?"

"Beater."

Fred and George laughed, "You?...Sorry, toots, but we're the beaters."

"Oh, so you're going to discriminate against her just because she's a girl? She can sue your cute butts all the way to Translyvania!" said Hermione, starting to stand up. Fred and George looked as if they were expecting to participate in a massive, animalistic mud-wrestling match with the two hotties.

"Look," said Mary Sue, "I played beater for the Dallas Cowboys. We won the Super Quidditch Bowl. And, as I recall, the U.S. team kicked the England's butt in the Quidditch Cup Playoffs...Just stop being chauvinist pigs and give me a chance!"
The twins gave Harry a "she's YOUR girlfriend" look. Harry put his arm around Mary Sue and nodded, and Ron nodded as well.

"Fine," said the twins in unison, "Got a broomstick?"

"Yeah," she said smugly, "A firebolt."

****************************
"Okay Harry," said Fred, "You practice with the tennis ball, and I'll send a bludger out. We'll see how your girlfriend does."

Ron and Hermione, who had followed the group out to the Quidditch pitch, not wishing to miss the action, gazed in awe at the speed and grace with which Mary Sue flew. Smack! The bludger went soaring! It was more than just Quidditch; it was art.

"So who is she going to out-seat?" said Hermione, grinning at the "chauvinist pigs."

"She'll-be-an-alternate," they stammered.

"Hope you like warming the bench, Malfoy. You've just made the team," George said as Mary Sue landed. Their eyes turned to a figure coming down the stairs of the stands to greet Mary Sue.

"Miss Malfoy," he said, "Can I speak with you?"
Snape.

****************************
At Lunch, Harry was quite disgusted by Ron and Hermione's display of affection for each other. He probably wouldn't have noticed that if Mary Sue had been there, but she wasn't, so his eyes kept roaming back and forth from his beef stew to Hermione, beef stew to Hermione until Hermione's face was pretty well blended with the beef stew. This was quite amusing, as Hermione had recently become a vegetarian. Beef stew! Oh no! Harry suddenly realized he had put himself at risk for mad cow disease! But could wizards get mad cow disease? Hmmm...He suddenly had a craving for slim jims. At least he wasn't thinking about Hermione. His stomach started to feel funny. A symptom of mad cow disease!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh!" Harry yelled as he jumped on top of the table. He ripped off his robes and yelled, "I'm turning into a mad cow!!!!!!!"

"Tighty Whities?" said Parvati looking up at the skinny almost-naked wizard above her. Harry came to his senses and sat back down. He looked over at Hermione again. She was still giggling like a giddy schoolgirl. But she was a giddy schoolgirl, so Harry supposed this was all right...All he knew was that he had to find Mary Sue. Fast.

Chapter 4

"Dude...I'm starving."

"I offered you some mothballs, but did you take them? No-o."

"We should go find Buffy!"

"Yeah. Joey's hot, but Buffy's the hottest hottie ever."

Pacey and Dawson burst forth from the insecurely locked closest and looked around the empty room.

"Sure feels good to come out of the closet...Aw man! Buffy's not home!"

"Stupid!" said Dawson, hitting Pacey on the back of the head, "This is where the extras live. Buffy gets her own trailer, cause she's hot. I'm a filmmaker; I know about this stuff."

The two set off in search of Buffy. They came into the Gryffindor common room, and the first person they met was little Dennis Creevy (who wasn't really, just called little, just like how the news reporters called Elian Gonzales "little Elian").

"Dude, do you know where Buffy's trailer is?"

Little Dennis Creevey's knees shook violently, as he had never seen Dawson's Creek, and after spending over twenty-four hours in a closet eating mothballs, Pacey and Dawson didn't smell exactly like roses.

Pacey and Dawson shrugged and spotted a sullen girl sitting in the corner writing. Dawson approached her. She looked up, and Dawson saw that her face was tear-stained and her blue eyes red and swollen. It was Mary Sue, and Dawson noticed that even though she looked as if she had cried for hours, she was still stunning. Alas! She was hotter than Buffy.

"Pace," he called out, "You go on without me, dude."

Pacey had somehow figured out how to get out, and Dawson turned to the girl sitting next to him, silent tears trickling down her rosy cheeks.

"So...are you like okay?" he asked.

"Of course I'm not okay!" she sobbed. Her vision was fuzzy, so she couldn't tell that the kind soul standing in front of her had his own show on the W.B.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" she asked, plopping down next to her-not worrying about distancing himself from the tear-stained beauty.

"I just had to relive my parent's death...you probably can't understand."

"Yeah-Well, my parents got divorced...but then they got back together and started making babies...So I guess I can't relate."

"I think I'm in love with you!"

"Oh, I love you, too!"

"I love you more!"

"No, I love you more!"

"A passion for you burns deep inside me, like a hamburger grilling on a hot summer day. Only it doesn't have E Coli in it. Ewww... Wait a minute," she sniffed, "Dawson?"

"That's my name, don't wear it out."

"What on earth are you doing here?"

"Some dudes with long pointy things that looked kinda like...Me and Pace are looking for Buffy, but I don't care anymore, now that I've found you!"

"How sweet! That's much sweeter than anything Harry's said to me. He's such a loser!"

****

Meanwhile...

"Buffy?"

"Um, no," said Hermione, "Oh my God! Pacey! What are you doing here?"

"Some dudes made us magically appear. We're looking for Buffy. Have you seen her?"

"Ohmygosh! Harry and Ron must have summoned you! I knew they were stupid, but not THAT stupid! Come on! We've got to get you to Dumbledore!"

Hermione grabbed his hand to lead him away, but she couldn't move. The moment their skin touched, her spine tingled like, um, magical tingly things. Pacey must have felt it, too, because he pulled her close to him and whispered romantically in her ear, "So, um, do you like wanna make out?"

Hermione suddenly found herself in one of those pesky moral dilemmas. Ron was her boyfriend, and she liked him a lot, but, well, he really couldn't compete with tingles. Plus, Ron didn't have his own show on the W.B.

"Oh, all right," she said, but as Pacey leaned in to kiss her, Dumbledore came rushing up.

"My stars, Hermione!" he said, "What are you doing snogging Pacey?"

"I...um..." she muttered, still in disbelief that Dumbledore used the word "snogging."

"Don't you know he's going out with Joey? She'll be heart-broken!"

"But Professor Dumbledore, aren't you at all concerned about there being a muggle running around Hogwarts? I mean, if a muggle can get in, then maybe someone like---"

Pacey interjected, "Your name's Double Door? I bet you got beat up in school!"

"Well, yes, actually, but that's another story entirely...where's Dawson?"

"He met some girl," said Pacey.

"Right," said Dumbledore, "How long have you been out of the closet?"

"About twenty minutes, and I feel great?"

Hermione rolled her eyes and said, "Please, Professor, can he stay?"

"Well, I suppose so, but make sure he's house trained."

Chapter 5

With Hermione with Pacey and the Fall Ball fast approaching, Ron was forced to ask Padma Patil again. Harry, on the other hand, had a different plan.

She sat in a big comfy chair in the common room, intently working on something, probably homework. He sat in another corner of the room, just staring at her. She was a hot hottie, maybe even hotter than Mary Sue. He sighed, and then approached her.

"Um, Ginny?" said Harry.

"Yes?"

"Are you going to the Yule Ball?"

"Yeah."

She smiled at him.

"With a guy, I mean."

"Oh. No, not yet."

"Do you wanna go with me?"

Her eyes lit up like shiny bright things, and she said, "Of course! I mean, um, yeah."

"Great. Meet you here at eight?"

She nodded, and the two stared at each other for a few moments in awkward silence.

***
It was the eve of the fall ball, and the dorms were bustling. Harry stood staring at his gaunt reflection.

"Wow! The green robes really do bring out my eyes!" he said to himself.

He had taken a leaf out of Hermione's book and purchased some muggle hair potion. He looked at the dark blue bottle and exclaimed, "Rogaine! What a clever name!" and poured the entire bottle into his hands. By the time he was done running it through his hair, it was nearly eight. Dressed for success, he left the dorm.

Ginny was waiting him in the common room, just as she said she would be. She looked lovely.

"Um, nice hair," she said, stifling giggles at Harry's hair, which looked like an abstract iron statue shellacked into place.

They met up with Ron and Padma in the Entrance Hall. Strangely, Ron wasn't angry with Harry for taking his little sister to the Fall Ball. A date.

Inside the Great Hall, which was decorated in fall colors, all of the muggle-born witches were throwing themselves at Pacey and Dawson, which made Harry wish he had his own show on the W.B.

"Please, please" shouted Dumbledore over the noise, "Will everyone sit down? It's time to announce the Fall Ball King and Queen."

He uncovered the Goblet of Popularity.

"And your Fall Ball Queen is-" he looked at the piece of paper the G.O.P. spat out and chuckled to himself, "Draco Malfoy!"

This announcement was met with a tidal wave of snickers, giggles, and cheers. Harry swore he saw a tear well up in Malfoy's eye as he accepted the tiara and roses.

"Please, Please. And the Fall Ball King is...Harry Potter!"

This was met with a mixture of light golf claps and groans. Ron gave Harry a look saying, "The famous Harry Potter did it again."

"But-I didn't-You-know-I..." he stammered as he stumbled up to the stage.

"Do you have an acceptance speech, Potter?" sneered Snape.

"I didn't put my name in!" Harry yelled. Only someone pure evil could have submitted his name to the G.O.P.

Suddenly, a hooded figure swooped down. Harry knew that face...Voldemort.

The crowd gasped.

"No, not Voldemort," said the figure, "Worse. I am Lord Voldemort's evil twin! I AM LORD JIGGLY PUFF!"

The crowd gasped again. How could anyone be more evil than He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?

"For years I have been cast aside from the Society of Evil Twins," he continued, "I was less evil than my twin, so I was punished by going to the happiest place on Earth, Disney World, for eternity. They made me go on the "It's a small world" ride over and over again! Oh, the humanity! But now I am free! Now I shall prove my evilness by doing the one thing ol' Voldy couldn't do-kill Harry Potter!"

Chapter 6


Jigglypuff raised his wand at Harry.

"Abra Kadabra!" he shouted.

The crowd giggled, though still frozen with fear in their seats.

He tried it again, and a flood of puppies, kittens, and flowers poured from his wand. He tried once more, only this time bunnies and lollipops came out.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jigglypuff shouted in agony, sinking to his bony knees.

Just then, police men sporting full riot gear burst in.

"Hey! It's the L.A.P.D." someone shouted.

"No, it's the Evil Twin Police," said Dumbledore knowingly, "They have come to take Lord Jigglypuff away."

"Lord Jigglypuff," said one of the cops, "You know what the sentence is for sentence is for escaping from Happyskaban, don't you?"

He trembled and began to scream frantically, "No! Not the girl scouts! ANYTHING but the girl scouts!"

"That's right, you disgrace to evil twins everywhere, you are hereby sentenced to an eternity surrounded by peppy girl scouts trying to sell you cookies."

The police hauled him away kicking and screaming.

Suddenly, an angelic figure descended from the starry sky over Great Hall.

"Bu-Buffy?" Pacey called out.

"Yes," said Buffy, "I have come to take you and Dawson back to the creek. You are needed there."

"Cool!" said Pacey.

"See, I told you she would be here!" said Dawson.

After lamenting their lost loves for a few moments, Mary Sue and Hermione realized their true loves...Neville and Dean. Ron and Harry realized that they didn't need affection from females to survive...they needed butterbeer and lots of it.

***