Twisted!

SCENE SIX--QUIDDITCH

Hermione: Live, from the Hogwarts Quidditch Pitch, it´s Gryffindor Vs. Slytherin!!

Hermione Granger here, reporting live from the Hogwarts Quidditch Pitch for the first Quidditch match of the season. Harry Potter is the key player in today match, as he is the youngest and most prospective seeker in a century. It will be a treat to watch this young phenom in action during today´s match of Gryffindor versus Slytherin. (whistle blows) The whistle signals the start of the match!

(Draco and Harry chasing the "snitch". Harry catches snitch, Hermione heads over to interview Harry)

Hermione: Harry! You´ve just won the game for Gryffindor! You´re a sports star, what are you going to do?

Harry: I´m going to to Disney World! But first, I´m going to smoke crack, crash cars, get arrested and none of it will matter! (evil laugh)

Hermione: Uh, alright then. Have fun!

SCENE SEVEN--MUST GET THE STONE!

(Ron, Harry, and Hermione sitting in Common Room)

Hermione: I´ve realized that there hasn´t been a major conflict in the movie, and EVERY good English student knows that EVERY story must have a major conflict!

Harry and Ron: (unison) Right.

Hermione: Don´t you guys know ANYTHING about literature?

Harry: Well, obviously not.

Hermione: I´m not kidding! I really think that we should do something!

Harry: Well, Hermione, what do you suggest that we do?

Hermione: I don´t know! I´m sick of making all the decisions!

Harry: Didn´t you say something about a stone?

Hermione: The Sorcerer´s Stone! That´s it! We must get the Sorcerer´s Stone!

Harry: Great. There could only be about a million places that the stone could be hidden. That´s exactly how I want to spend my evening, playing hide-and-seek with you, Ron and a stone.

Hermione: Stop complaining and let´s go!

(Harry and Ron look at each other)

Harry and Ron: (unison) Women.

SCENE EIGHT--CHESS AND POTIONS CHALLENGES

(Ron, Harry and Hermione are looking behind doors, under rugs, etc. for the stone.)

(Hermione points to door)

Hermione: Look, it´s a door!

Harry: Let´s go in!

(opens door and enters)

(goes to chess board and action figures)

Hermione: He has to let the white queen take him out and you can checkmate the king.

Harry: No!

Hermione: Come on, Harry, it´s the only way we can get to the stone. Besides, it´s the first time and probably the last time he ever gets touched by a woman.

(knock over chess pieces, etc. Ron gets knocked out)

Harry: Do you think that one of us should stay here with Ron, to make sure that he´s alright?

Hermione: Nah, he´ll be fine, let´s just get this over with.

Harry: okay.

(go to potions room and real actors)

Hermione: Oh, what´s this? Potions!

Harry: Great, something that requires thinking. Can´t I just whip out my wand and cast a spell?

Hermione: NO!

Harry: Fine, what are we supposed to do?

Hermione: Well, it´s a riddle. One of these contains water, two contain poison. One will lead us to the stone, and the last one contains Diet Pepsi. Oh, it´s not Diet Pepsi, it´s Diet Pepsi Twist! And I´m not Hermione, I´m--

Harry: Oh, come on! (quietly) Ugh, product placement in movies....

Hermione: Oh, alright then, (points) that one should get you to the stone. There´s only enough for one of us, though.

Harry: Okay. (grabs glass of potion) Go back and stay with Ron.

Hermione: (sad, sniffling) Okay, be careful. (meanly) And don´t mess anything up!

(drinks potion and walks into the next room)

SCENE NINE--MEET LORD VOLDEMORT

(Harry walks in to see Professor Quirrell looking around)

Harry: Professor Quirrell! It´s you? You´re just a stupid teacher!

Quirrell: Yes, dear boy, it is me! (laughs) Well, it´s not totally me, you know, looks can be deceiving.

Harry: (confused) What are you talking about? I don´t understand what you´re saying!

Quirrell: (shakes head) Typical student. Perhaps I need to show you. Prepare to meet Lord Voldemort.

(turn on Lady Marmalade music, Quirrell starts taking his cloak and turban)

Harry: (looking scared) You´re a WOMAN?!?

Voldemort: Of course! A man could never build an evil empire! Well of course, that wasn´t my first aspiration...

(turn Lady Marmalade music back on)

Voldemort: I wanted to be a dancer!

Harry: A DANCER?!?!?

Voldemort: Yes, a dancer. At the Moulin Rouge. I wanted to call myself Lady Marmalade, but I found out that there was a real dancer at the Moulin Rouge named Lady Marmalade, popular girl she must be, they even made a song about her!

Harry: Alright then, so, why are you at Hogwarts? What do you want?

(turn on Spice Girls and then Lady Marmalade)

Harry: Oh my God, stop it! That´s disgusting! This is a PG movie!

Voldemort: Oh, I...I meant to say, I want the Sorcerer´s Stone!

(Harry sees stone sitting sitting on the floor in front of Voldemort, runs up and grabs the Stone)

Voldemort: Hey! (runs towards Harry, and tries to get the stone)

Harry: No!

(Voldemort punches Harry and knocks him to the ground)

Voldemort: That´s mine!

(camera goes black)

SCENE TEN--HOSPITAL WING

(Hermione and Ron are seated by Harry´s bedside)

Hermione: Harry?

(Harry stirs)

Harry: (looks around) Where am I?

Hermione: You´re in the Hospital Wing. Lord Voldemort and you got into a pretty nasty cat fight last night.

Harry: What happened to the Sorcerer´s Stone?

Hermione: Oh, the stone was destroyed.

Harry: (sits up in bed) Destroyed?!? Why couldn´t they have done that in the beginning? It would have saved me a lot of trouble and pain! (touches bandaged eye)

Hermione: Don´t be so stupid, Harry, every good English student knows that every story needs a climax.

Harry: Oh, shut up! (looks into camera) These next few movies are going to suck!

(camera off)