Harry Potter and the Magical Muggle

Chapter 7: Madame Evans

            Finally, the day that Harry had been waiting for had arrived: the last day of summer.  In a couple of hours, Harry would be in Diagon Alley with his two best friends, Ron and Hermione.  He could tell them about everything that had happened during his holiday: the splitting of the Dursleys’ marriage, Aunt Petunia’s new found magical ability, and his induction into the Order of the Phoenix.  He hadn’t told them anything about the chaos that consumed his life because he felt that it wasn’t something he could put in a letter.  He wouldn’t know where to begin.  It was just all too strange for Harry’s liking.  At least I will never complain about my life being boring, Harry thought.  Nope, it’s definitely anything, but boring.  I may die of shock if it ever was considered normal and then I would have to get a hobby to fill up my new free time. (Harry shuddered at this.)  Ugh.  No one should ever be told to get a hobby.  That is the most insulting thing you could say to someone, to go get a hobby.  Almost as bad as "Die, bitch, Die!"  Maybe it’s even worse.  At least with dying it’s over soon…with a hobby it’s a slow painful torture where at awkward first encounters usually the third thing out of your newly acquainted stranger’s mouth after "what’s your name?" and "what do you do for a living?"  is "so what do you do for fun?"  And don’t be fooled with that question, it is just "what’s your hobby?" in disguise.  Dressed up in different words, but its meaning is clear enough.  Actually in Harry’s case it is more like: "Oh, my god your Harry Potter!?" followed by "Can I see your scar" and then the dreaded hobby question, but you get the point. 

After Harry’s musings about hobbies, he had decided to go find Aunt Petunia to ask her to give him a ride to Diagon Alley.  Maybe she will actually say yes.  Hmmm, wouldn’t that be something?  So he headed to the most logical place she would be, the kitchen.  After all, it is morning and she does need to eat.  I still believe she is human, Harry thought as he scratched his head in confusion.  She may not think so now that she is classified as a witch, but I still think witches need to eat.  Harry scratched his head again (and reminded himself to change shampoos) as he thought of his memories of the Great Hall during meal times.  He suddenly remembered Hermione’s one day fast during the Opening Feast in his fourth year and how it was quickly broken at breakfast the next morning because she was starving.  (Harry then smiled at the memory and shook his head.) That confirms it.  Witches do eat!  Thank god for my great memory.  Still smiling to himself, he headed to the kitchen to find his aunt reading the paper and yes, eating.

"Aunt Petunia…(she looked up over her newspaper) could you…ER…could you drive me to London so I can get some supplies for school?"  Harry asked nervously hoping that she would say yes because he had no idea how else he was going to get there.

She studied him for a moment and replied: "Fine, as long as you will show me where I can obtain these items once I am there."  She handed him a bit of parchment, which had a list of some sort written on it:

Things I need to buy:

1. Three sets of plain work robes (black)

2. Two sets of dress robes (color optional)

3. Four sets of Hogwarts faculty robes (color optional, but black preferred)

4. One plain pointed hat (black) for day wear

5. One pair of protective gloves (dragon hide or similar)

6. One winter cloak (black, silver fastenings)

7. One wand

8. One cauldron (pewter, standard size 2)

9. One set of glass or crystal phials

10. One telescope

11. One set of brass scales

12. The Standard Book of Spells (Grade 1, 2, and 3) by Miranda Goshawk

13. A History of Magic by Bathilda Bagshot

14. A Beginner’s Guide to Transfiguration by Emeric Switch

15. Intermediate Transfiguration by Emeric Switch

16. One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi by Phyllida Spore

17. Magical Drafts and Potions by Arsenius Jagger

18. Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by Newt Scamander

19. The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection by Quentin Trimble

20. So You Want to Learn About Muggles, Aye? by Cassandra Magi

21. Muggles and Their Trinkets by Joseph Technical

22. How to Turn Rugrats into Qualified Wizards Without Maiming Them First by Muse Patience

Harry stared at list and then at Aunt Petunia and then back at the list again.  This action continued for a while.  It could make anyone sea sick just looking at him, bobbing his head up and down as if he was vigorously nodding about some unheard question instead of in shock and horror over what this year would bring him now that Aunt Petunia would be living in Hogwarts.  She cleared her throat and asked, "So?  Is it a deal?"

            Harry answered: "Er…sure, fine.  That’s fine."  Inwardly he groaned.  Damn it!  Now I have to baby-sit her and I might not have a chance to talk to Ron and Hermione privately to tell them everything that is happening with me lately.  She glanced at him sharply as if trying to read his mind, but failed. 

"We should go then," she said.

"Um…right."

And with that the aunt and the nephew headed to the car with the journey to be known forever as the "car ride of awkward silence."  

"Harry!  Harry!  Over here!  Hey!"

            Harry turned around to see where the familiar voices were coming from and noticed Ron and Hermione with huge silly grins on their faces waving from the steps of Gringotts, the wizard bank run by goblins.  Harry’s face broke in a huge smile as he ran to greet them.  At the same time, Ron and Hermione were running towards him.  Picture the scene in slow motion with cheesy music playing in the background and then you will understand the reunion of the Gryffindor Trio.  Except for one thing.  Aunt Petunia didn’t run to greet them.  Instead she stalked after Harry waving her list in front of his face, after she caught up to him, of course.

            "Harry, remember we have things I need to buy.  And you promised to show me where these things are!  You can talk to your (she glanced at Ron and Hermione) little friends another time.  My time is precious and I will not have it wasted listening to the idle chitchat of hormone driven teenagers," she spat.  Ron and Hermione gaped at her in horror.

            "Is that your…is that your…what is she doing…I…huh…your aunt?" Ron sputtered.

            Aunt Petunia glanced at Ron coldly.  "Yes.  I am Harry’s aunt, but I would like to keep that quiet.  I will also be helping Professor Humdrum in Muggle Studies this year.  Therefore, you may call me Madame Evans.  Is that clear, young man?"  Ron smiled weakly and nodded his head.  She’s scarier than Professor McGonagall, Ron thought, and seems a little bit more off balance too.

            "Evans?" Harry questioned.

            "It’s my maiden name," she snapped.  "Surely, you don’t think that I would keep…no, no not at all.  I am done with him."

            "And Dudley, too?" Harry asked quietly.  Harry saw her soften her gaze and look pensive.

            "Well, he won’t answer my letters or take my calls so there is nothing I can do at the moment except hope he comes around," she replied with tears in her eyes.  With this, Hermione and Ron began to feel uncomfortable seeing as they felt they where intruding on a private family discussion.

            "How did you…?" Harry asked.

            "Dumbledore…he found them for me."

            "Is that why he…"

            "Yes that is one of the reasons why he visited us.  He wanted to make sure that you were okay too," Petunia replied and scowled.  Harry noticed that she seemed angry with that for some reason.  As if even in her time of tragedy, everyone’s attention couldn’t be focused solely on her.  She always had to share her spotlight with someone else.  When she was a child, it was Lily and when she was married, it was Vernon, and now it seemed that the title belonged to Harry.  Maybe that is why she doesn’t want anyone to know that she is my aunt.  That and as she says it paints a huge bull’s eye on her back.  Harry sighed and turned his attention back to his aunt whom looked a bit distraught. 

            "We should probably go buy your things, Aunt Petunia."

            "Don’t call me that!"

            "Call you want?"

            "You know.  The feminine version of uncle."

            "What am I suppose to call you then?" Harry asked confused.

            "I told you already!"

            "ER…"

            A sigh.  "Madame Evans.  Boy, you are dense.  I just explained to you not over five minutes ago that you…"

            "I though you meant Ron and…Hermione."

            "No, I meant all of you, of course!" Aunt Petunia (no, Madame Evans) said angrily.

            "Oh." Harry replied.  Then he turned to Ron and Hermione.  "I just need to go help Aun-…ER, Madame Evans buy her things, but I’ll be back in about an hour when I am done.  So, I will meet your in front of Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlor at about one so we can catch up and talk?"  Ron and Hermione quickly agreed and they parted ways for the time being.

            "Do you think this makes my butt look big?"  Madame Evans asked Harry as she stood frowning into the mirror while she tried on black dress robes with tiny silver stars sprinkled around the fabric.

            "What …?!" Harry sputtered and choked.

            "Simple question.  My butt, does it look large or not?"

            "I am not answering that question!  You’re my aun-…ER, soon to be assistant teacher helper or something," Harry said obviously embarrassed and fumbling around for words.

            "Fine, I’ll ask someone else.  Someone will taste," she spat obviously pissed that he didn’t answer, "no, nothing could make your butt look large," which is the right answer in case any males were wondering.  Therefore, she hopped off the platform and began to search for victims, ER customers to ask the question to.  After hearing numerous times that her butt looked marvelous in those robes, she purchased them and everything else on her list that could be bought within the shop.  Harry glanced at his new watch that Ron and Ginny had given him for his birthday.  Damn, I have five minutes to meet Ron and Hermione.  I wonder if we are done with everything.

            "Ah, Aun- Madame Evans (Harry quickly corrected again as she shot him a death glare) do you have everything?"

            "Yes.  And we can go now."

            "Actually, I am suppose to meet Ron and Hermione in about five minutes for ice cream…you could come if you like," Harry explained as he silently prayed that she would decline his offer.  She snorted.

            "Not on my time you don’t…I won’t waste time listening to…"

            "…hormone driven teenage chit chat," Harry interrupted.  "Yes, I know, but they are my best friends, and I haven’t seen them all holiday, and I need to go meet them in about two minutes or they are going to be worried."  She snorted again.  (The snorting was really beginning to grate on Harry’s nerves.)

            "Not if you want a ride home," she threatened.  Ah, finally, Harry angrily thought.  I was beginning to wonder when she was going to threaten me into submission.

            "Fine!  I will fine my own ride home, but unlike you I have people who care about me and are waiting for my company so if you don’t mind this is where I will say good bye and see you back at home," Harry shouted angrily.  People on the streets began to stare them as they shot daggers at each other via their eyes.  His aunt looked furious.

            "Fine!  Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out!" she screamed at him as she turned on her heel and stormed away while looking for the exit of Diagon Alley.  He was a bit confused.  He cursed Aunt Petunia silently in his head.  There is no door.  We are in the middle of a bloody alley! Geesh!  But that was the least of his problems as the front windows of stores began shattering, marking the pathway of one angry Petunia Evans.  Damn it, Aunt Petunia.  Control your bloody magic!

            "Harry where have you been?  You’re ten minutes late.  We were so worried.  We were just about to go search for you."  Hermione asked concerned for the well being of her friend.

            "Oh you know, the usual.  Getting into a huge row with your magical Muggle aunt…no wait teacher in front of everyone.  And then of course that fact that she can’t control her magic and sent huge storefront windows shattering and bursting all around her.  It was a really great show.  It was raining glass, again, and I had to dodge those dangerous shards," Harry muttered.  Ron started laughing. 

            "That is hilarious!  She didn’t…oh, I wish I could have seen the look on her face when she and then she…and you said they all shattered!  Brilliant, just bloody brilliant!"  Ron gasped through his laughter.  Hermione shot him a disapproving look.

            "Really, Ron.  That is extremely insensitive.  Poor Harry.  So you aunt is magical now, how is that possible?"  Hermione said as she once again reprimanded Ron who was still laughing and gasping for breath.  He quickly filled them in on the break up of the Dursleys’ marriage and Dumbledore’s hypothesis on how his aunt gained magical ability.

            Hermione frowned.  "I suppose that makes sense…it just seems so…"

            "Suspicious," Harry interrupted.

            "No…weird.  Simple.  I don’t know.  Why isn’t this a more common problem then?"  Hermione asked.

            "How many Muggles, do you think, are that repressed and also could have been magical if they were a bit more open minded?  It can’t be that many at all.  Probably a good portion of them never become open minded and therefore never recognize their magical ability, too," Harry countered.

            "I could ask my dad.  Maybe he would know."  Ron offered.  (Ron’s dad, Mr. Weasley, worked at the Ministry of Magic in the department of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office.)

            "Hmmmm…yes that’s a good idea, Ron.  And when we get back to Hogwarts we will definitely need to…" Hermione said thoughtfully as she tried to figure out how it was possible that Aunt Petunia manifested her magic.

            "…go to the library!"  The boys cried together and then began laughing.  Hermione stared at them disapprovingly and then couldn’t help but crack a smile.

            She puffed up her chest and in her best Percy imitation voice she replied, "The young people now of days don’t know how to respect authority.  Laughing at a prefect, how horrible.  What is the world coming to?"  The boys just laughed harder at Hermione’s silly antics, they had never seen her in such a good mood.

            "Oh, that reminds me," Ron said as he wiped his tears from laughing so hard on his shirt.  "Who made Gryffindor prefect for the boys, Hermione?  Surely, you must know?"  Hermione and Harry exchanged a nervous glance across the table.

            "Er…I did, Ron," Harry answered hesitantly.

            "What?  No seriously.  You couldn’t have.  You get detention almost every other day.  Even more than I do…well maybe not more, but definitely equal.  Who was it?"  Ron replied thinking Harry was trying to be funny.

            "No, Ron.  It really is Harry…"

            "I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before this.  Things have been so crazy lately with Aunt Pet- Er Madame Evans and then the induction… I just forgot.  I am really sorry."  Harry blurted out doing his best to apologize for his thoughtlessness and simultaneously praying that Ron wouldn’t care that he and Hermione were prefects and he wasn’t.

            "Oh.  No, that’s all right.  It’s understandable.  Well, congratulations you two.  Well done," Ron said slowly in a quiet voice with a pained expression on his face probably thinking that he was doomed forever to be in the shadows, first with his family and now with his friends. 

Harry was furiously thinking about how they could get off this painful topic and on to more neutral territories when Hermione asked, "An induction?  An induction into what?"  He gave her an uneasy glance and then looked at Ron who was looking like he swallowed a lemon with the tight painful expression of his face.  Hell no, I am not going there now.  That would just add fuel to the fire. 

"Actually I can’t tell you now.  It’s not private enough," Harry lied as he glanced around Diagon Alley.  "People might overhear and that would definitely not be a good thing.  I’ll tell you on the train or perhaps in the common room where it will be more private."

"Sounds good to me," Hermione replied.  "Speaking of which, I am so excited about the new curriculum!  I wonder if they will get new professors to teach those classes or just have the old professors teach them.  I can’t wait for the dueling class.  It looks so exciting!" 

"What classes are you dropping?" Harry asked.

"History of Magic.  What about yourself?"  Hermione replied.

"That’s it?  Oh, no.  You are not going to pull the stunt like you did our third year?"

Hermione shook her head at this and replied, "It was really hard for me to decide.  I thought about dropping Ancient Runes, but that is just too interesting.  And then I thought of Care of Magical Creatures, but I couldn’t do that to Hagrid.  Of course Arithmancy was definitely out and they wouldn’t let you drop any core classes, but I talked to Professor McGonagall and she said that I could drop another course later if it got to be too much."

"Well, I am dropping History of Magic and Divination, which I add that I am thoroughly happy to get that off of my plate.  No more predicting my demise three times a week for homework.  I am sure that will do wonders for my self esteem," Harry answered and smiled brightly.  Ron chuckled, seeming to snap out of his depressed state that he was in.

"I’m going to miss the old bat," Ron smirked.  "On second thought.  Good riddance."  And with that the Gryffindor Trio laughed and the uncomfortable atmosphere of the day was forgotten as they joked about their holidays and wondered who could possibility be the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor.