The Will To Live

Chapter 3: After the Accident

The students were still trying to cope with what had happened. It was difficult, considering they had never had such an accident before in Potions class. There had been small explosions, but nothing like this. They had never seen so much blood flowing from, or so much agony seizing one person's body. Although their Potions Master had masked his pain well, they could imaginehat he was suffering. Some students were choked with tears, some were looking at his bloodstains which were still on the floor, and some were deeply in thought, trying to convince themselves that he would be fine.

Harry, who had witnessed Neville being saved by the teacher he had hated his entire time at Hogwarts, felt a stinging in his chest. He didn't know exactly why he felt this way. He thought he didn't like Snape. Many times, he had indeed wished for Snape to get hurt so he couldn't teach them anymore, but now that the wish had come true, he didn't want it anymore. He was too confused. He had always thought that Snape was very mean and cruel, but it was he who had saved the students.

Small crying sounds turned to yelps of surprise when Malfoy launched himself at Neville, "I will make you pay, Longbottom!"

The rest of the students tried to separate them. The Slytherins held back Malfoy, while the Gryffindors stood between Malfoy and Neville. The Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs stood on the sidelines and watched, feeling that they could do nothing to stop the legendary grudge between the two houses. Harry said angrily to Malfoy, "Stop this! It wasn't Neville's fault!"

"This is none of your business, Potter," Malfoy spat. He struggled to get free, but was held tightly by his fellow Slytherins. "What are you doing? Let go of me!"

Blaise said as he pulled Malfoy further from Neville, "Calm down, Draco! We don't want to let the professors catch us fighting!"

Malfoy wasn't convinced. Instead, he struggled harder and yelled, "Cowards! All of you are cowards! You just worry about your own necks! Crabbe and Goyle! Go get that Longbottom!"

Pansy yelled at Malfoy, "You're not the only one who's worried about the Professor; we all are! But it won't help him any even if you beat the hell out of Longbottom! You'll only cause us to lose more points. And what will Professor Snape say if we lose the house cup this year again? Besides, you're a prefect! You can't get involved in fights! This will only give Dumbledore a reason to take away your badge!" Crabbe and Goyle looked at one another, not sure if they should attack.

Seeing his own henchmen not willing to take his orders, Malfoy got himself out of Blaise's grip and turned to his housemates. "How dare you all turn against me? Aren't you all Slytherins? Shouldn't you support and help me at all times? Aren't we friends anymore?" He took out his wand and got ready to cast curses against his own house.

"Alright! That's enough!" a soft, yet firm voice said. It was Professor Remus Lupin--and the expression on his face told the students that he had been watching the whole time. "I think it will make Professor Snape very disappointed if he hears about this. He has high expectations of you and he believes that you are capable of controlling yourself." Upon hearing this, Malfoy calmed down a little. He knew what Lupin said was true; Snape wouldn't be pleased if he knew that Malfoy had gotten into a fight with the other Slytherins.

Lupin smiled when he saw Malfoy take in his words, and turned to the rest of the students. "Since Professor Snape is. . . not available at the moment, I want you to behave yourselves. There are still a few minutes before the end of this class, so stay in here until then and clean up everything before you leave."

Nervously, Neville asked Lupin, "Do you think. . . Professor Snape will be all right?"

"Of course he will, idiot!" Malfoy declared loudly. "He's very strong! My father told me that Snape has endured more hexes and curses and poisons that any of you could imagine! A harmless potion and some cuts and burns can't hurt him!" But there was a little uncertainty in his tone. As he lowered his head and looked at the blood on the floor, his voice softened dramatically. "I know he'll be fine."

Lupin answered, trying to reassure the students, "I am sure of it. I'll go take a look at him later." He cleared his throat before he continued, "Miss Granger and Mr. Malfoy, since the next Potions class is second-year Gryffindor and Slytherin, you are asked to stay here to watch the students until a teacher is available." He received nods from Hermione and a snort from Malfoy, which told him that they understood their duties; then he said to Ron and Padma, "Mr. Weasley and Miss Patil. You are asked to watch Professor McGonagall's next class, which is first-year Gryffindor and Ravenclaw, until she returns." Ron groaned upon hearing this, but stopped when he saw Hermione glare at him. It was bad enough, he thought, that he had to watch the students, but he had to stay with his former date for the Yule Ball!

"Your teachers have been notified about this arrangement already, so you don't need to worry about getting into trouble," Lupin said. Noticing that Harry looked troubled, he smiled and said reassuringly "I'm sure Professor Snape will be all right,"--although he wasn't sure if what he said was truly what he believed.

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Dumbledore, with McGonagall's help, took off Snape's clothes before lowering him onto the bed. It was a gloomy sight to see. The Potions Master's entire back was reddened by burns, blood dripping from the cuts onto the white bed sheet. His uneven and shallow breathing was the only noise in the silent Hospital Wing. The Headmaster exchanged worried glances with McGonagall. Knowing that they could do nothing more, they stepped away to allow the Mediwitch to take over.

Pomfrey muttered a spell that would loosen the broken cauldron pieces in Snape's body without tearing the red and purplish wounds further. After she was sure that all the pieces were gone, she used a cleaning spell to wash off the blood and any traces of the potion.

"Ferula!" Bandages appeared and covered the wounds. When they were done, Pomfrey turned to Dumbledore and McGonagall and said, "This is all I can do for Severus now. I don't know what potion it was that got inside his body, so I can't tell what effect it will have on him." She paused a minute before she sighed in frustration. "Also, I can't give him any potions to help him heal or to ease his pain, because who knows what harm it will do to mix other potions with this unknown one in his body!"

McGonagall suggested, "Well, maybe it will help if we ask the students from the Potions class."

"We should ask them as soon as possible. It's about lunch time already; why don't we all eat here with the students?" Dumbledore said, with the unnatural cheerfulness that he always managed to pull off in stressful situations. Pomfrey sighed again when she looked at the unconscious Snape, but Dumbledore smiled. "Don't worry. Severus is strong."

Just as Dumbledore suspected, it was Neville who was involved in the explosion. Thus, he called Neville and those who were working next to him to ask questions.

"Is everything okay?" Harry asked, when he saw the colors drain from the adults' faces after he told them it was Perchance to Die that had exploded.

Dumbledore shook his head before he answered. "Yes. . ." His voice was laced with worry.

McGonagall opened the N.E.W.T. Potions textbook which Hermione had brought. She frowned when she found pages and pages of procedure for that potion. "So, in which step did you notice your potion was not correct, Mr. Longbottom?"

Neville gulped when he heard the question. He tried hard to recall what he had done. When he knew he had dug through his entire memory and could not recall any more details, he stuttered and answered quietly, "In the one where we needed to keep stirring in different directions. . . I don't remember exactly, but my potion turned green before it was supposed to. The potion is supposed to be green in the final step only, but mine looked silverish."

"It's the second step, Professor," Hermione said, pointing to the section in the book. Harry and Ron looked at one another and shrugged their shoulders, telling each other that they didn't know anything more.

"Thank you, Miss Granger." McGonagall busied herself looking through the procedure, and asked, "In which set of stirs?"

Hermione took a few minutes to think, then she said, "I believe it was the second set of counter-clockwise. . ."

"What other mistakes might you have made during the process?" McGonagall raised her eyes a little from the book to look at Neville.

"I don't know. . ."

She looked at Hermione, who looked down at the floor and whispered, "I don't know either. Professor Snape told me not to help Neville."

Silence took place in the room. McGonagall knew that was all the information they could hope to get, so she dismissed the students and let them go to their next class. She looked at Dumbledore, who shared her dreadful feeling. What the students had said hadn't been much help. The Headmaster suggested for her to go back to her classes, since there was nothing else they could do now.

Dinner was especially quiet that day. Dumbledore and Pomfrey weren't present at all. Most of the students, especially the N.E.W.T Potions class students and the Slytherins, remained quiet the entire time. Other students murmured about what had happened to the Potions Master. McGonagall couldn't offer any words of comfort to the students, for she knew that this time things were very serious. She dismissed dinner early and told the students to return to their houses' common room.

After talking to each other and discussing the matter in private, the teachers' moods had turned gloomy. Although Snape was a difficult man and not particularly nice to anyone, they understood that it was hard for anyone to worry about the return of You-Know-Who sixteen years and then having to resume the double life of a spy. They told McGonagall to give their blessings to Snape and to inform them about his health, before retiring to their rooms.

McGonagall quickly went back to the Hospital Wing. Her eyes settled on the limp body on the bed. Snape didn't look much better than before, but his breathing was more even. The bandages on his body had been changed for new ones.

As she'd expected, she found the Headmaster sitting at the furthest table away from Snape, looking quietly through many piles of books. Judging from a short glance, she could tell there were at least fifty books all over the table and the floor. The titles were all related to the making of Perchance to Die, and yet they were different from one another with respect to the different combinations of mistakes possible in the progress.

Dumbledore looked up from the books and gestured for her to sit down in a chair next to his. Once she was seated, she said, "Have you found anything useful?

The Headmaster smiled and pointed to a few books on the table, "Yes, Minerva. From what Mr. Longbottom and Miss Granger told us, I was able to eliminate a few possible types of poisons. I believe we will have to wait to observe Severus's symptoms before we can continue."

"Where is Poppy?" McGonagall hadn't noticed the presence of the Mediwitch since she entered the room.

"She was busy with the students and Severus the entire day, so I told her to rest for a while."

Their attention turned to the door when it opened and Remus Lupin entered, with a large black dog by his side. Remus closed the door gently and Sirius, after seeing that nobody else was in the room, transformed back to his human form. The Animagus gasped loudly when he saw Snape's condition. A thin blanket loosely covered Snape's lower body, and the rest of him was wrapped with bandages. His skin looked much more sallow than it already was. Although Sirius felt a slight pity for the man on the bed, it was quickly washed away from his consciousness when he realized that it was Snape with whom he sympathized; he was not about to become nicer to his worst enemy.

"It's a wonder that he can still be alive," Sirius hissed. He was about to continue, but stopped when his friend shot him a glare. Remus regretted his passiveness during Sirius's taunting of Snape in their youth, and he knew that, as a friend, he had to control Sirius's actions.

Knowing that he wasn't going to get a nice answer, Remus asked, "How is Snape?" "Is there anything we can help with?"

McGonagall answered wearily, "We have a list of possible poisons, but there are hundreds of them. We won't be able to help Severus more until we know what's wrong with him."

Sirius muttered, "That's tricky."

They became alert when they heard Snape moan. He thrashed weakly on the bed, trying to get the blanket off. Dumbledore rushed over to Snape's bedside and tried to calm him, but when he touched the man's pale skin, he realized it was too warm. Gently, he turned Snape on his back, pushed his hair aside and touched his forehead. It was burning up.

"Minerva, go get Poppy. Severus has a fever," Dumbledore ordered. McGonagall nodded and went outside to rouse the Mediwitch. He found a wet towel in a water basin next to the bed and used it to wipe Snape's forehead, trying to cool him. Snape, desperately pulling away from the touch, moaned, "No. . ."

Dumbledore soothed him and whispered, "It's alright, Severus." He held Snape's head up so Remus could give him some cold water, but Snape pushed at the glass and moved his head around, nearly causing himself to choke. Sirius, who tried to look unconcerned, found himself pacing around the room. He stopped immediately when Pomfrey and McGonagall finally arrived, and he raced to the bed.

Once Pomfrey touched Snape, she said, "Merlin! We need to cool him down, and quick!" She used the Mobilicorpus charm to move Snape to the bathroom. After filling up the bathtub with ice and cold water by a wave of wand, she lowered him inside. Remus and Sirius had to restrain Snape, who struggled to rise up. Between Pomfrey's fever reducing spells, they could hear his faint pleading sobs, "Please. . . Father. . . No. . ."

"Fever Reducio!" Madam Pomfrey said, before taking another temperature. She sighed in relief. "It's safe to take him back to his bed now." After drying Snape's body with another spell, she started to change his bandages.

Remus and Sirius looked at one another, wondering why Snape had called out to his father. . . and why he had sounded so fearful. They turned to the Headmaster, who shook his head and gave them a stern look, indicating that he wasn't willing to tell them anything. Knowing that Snape was in good hands, they retired to their beds, Sirius in the form of Snuffles.

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[In Snape's Dream]

A boy, looking a little less than eight years old, and holding a bag of fruit in one thin hand with great effort, opened the door to one of the patient rooms and stepped inside. His ragged and graying clothes contrasted with the whiteness of his skin and the room. Smiling, he closed the door behind him and limped to the cowering woman in the corner.

"Good morning, Mum." The smile on the boy's bruised face lessened when he saw the woman brace herself tighter, looking as if she didn't recognize him. "It's me, Severus. I brought you some food." He put down the bag and took out one of the fruits. "Do you want to eat an apple today? You need some nutritious food to get better." Of course she'll get better. . . she has to get back to normal. . . There is still a chance. . ., the boy thought as he searched for some sign of sanity in his mother's eyes.

Not getting an answer, he went to get a bowl anyway, and took out a knife to cut the apple into pieces. The scent of the fruit reminded him that he hadn't eaten anything for two days already. Shaking his head, he told himself that his mother needed to eat more than he did. Then he pushed the bowl forward. "Here, it tastes very good."

His mother made no move as she stared at the boy through her messy long hair. She whispered, but her tone was very firm, "Your father. . . he doesn't love us anymore. He has abandoned us."

The boy wanted to say that his father had never loved them, that it was much better he was gone, but he bit his tongue and swallowed the phrases, not wanting to sadden his mother any further. Besides, he had told her that many times already, and she never listened as she was blinded by her love and devotion for his father.

"Why did he leave? I had already changed so much about myself to please him! I haven't done one spell or charm since I married him. I even let him break my wand and lock me in the house and beat me!" When his mother started to sob, he took a few steps closer, but stopped when he heard small laughs in between the crying.

Her voice raised as she laughed. "And your grandparents. . . they don't love me anymore. . . Now I have nobody. . . That's all your fault, Severus!" It frightened the boy, who knew too well where his mother was going with all of this. . .

His cowering mother was gone once again; all the boy could see in front of him was a hysterical stranger. "Severus, do you wish to die? Yes, you should! If you die, your grandfather and grandmother might take me back!" He took a few steps backward as his mother rose to her feet.

"Yes, that I know. They're only angry at me because I married your mud-blood father and had you, you half-blood bastard. Now your father has finally left me. If you do too, then they won't be mad at me!"

Before the boy could react, a strong blow hit his face. Bleeding from the corner of his mouth, he was being pushed to the floor, being strangled by the only person he loved. The hands around his neck were cold. He struggled to look into his mother's eyes, but there no love within them. He knew he was abandoned. Fright ran though his veins as his mouth opened, trying to get some air into his lungs. His arms and legs moved madly, but his vision started to blur; he knew he would have to stop her quickly. He screamed in his mind, Reducto!

The woman was blasted aside, but recovered faster than the boy, who was coughing and trying to breathe. She said coldly between her teeth, her voice trembling with anger, "Now even you despise me! You half-mudblood! This is what you want, isn't it? You want to make me miserable? I just need you to die! I know my father and mother will forgive me once you're dead! You should die! Die!" She stomped closer to the boy, forcing him to move backward. Once he felt his back hit the wall, a sickened feeling shot through his stomach. The woman smiled, and this smile told the boy that he would be sacrificed for her happiness. "Yes! Once you are out of the way, my parents will want me again!"

Shivering, he raised his wand, pointing it at her. Feeling the anger of the betrayed, the desperate will to survive, he yelled at the top of his lungs, "NO! I don't want to die! I am not your toy that you can play around with and throw away whenever you please!"

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Dumbledore had been sitting next to Snape's bed for hours. He was deep in regret, knowing that he had failed Snape in many ways since the day that the sickly-looking child was sorted into Slytherin House. Whatever he did, he found that he could not mend the wounds inflicted on Snape over the years. To this day, Snape was haunted by his memories; to this day, Dumbledore carried the guilt of what he had done, in his prejudice, to the young schoolboy that Snape once was.

His thoughts were interrupted when Pomfrey said, "Albus, you should get the last few hours of rest before breakfast. I will watch over Severus tonight. It is my job to treat the patients, after all."

"I'll just stay here for few more minutes." Although Dumbledore didn't want to go, he had to admit that he was exhausted and that he had many things awaiting him to do.

Pomfrey nodded and took a seat next to the Headmaster's. As Dumbledore was about to leave, Snape moaned softly and opened his eyes. He blinked a few times to make his vision clearer. His eyes rested upon the two figures beside him.

Dumbledore asked with concern, "Severus, how are you feeling?"

"Headmaster? What. . . what happened?" Snape realized it was Dumbledore. He couldn't think of anything else as waves of pain shook through his body. He winced, but tried his best to mask the pain.

Pomfrey said, "You don't remember? There was an explosion during your Potions class and you were injured."

Snape was quiet for a moment as he recalled what had happened. He asked as he remembered that he was supposed to be at a Death Eaters' meeting, "What time is it?"

"It's a little past midnight," Pomfrey said, after looking at the clock hanging on the opposite side of the wall.

Snape's face paled when he realized he was late. "Past midnight? Oh no. . . I need to go. . ."

"Go where? Don't tell me that you're going to You-Know-Who again!" Pomfrey exclaimed loudly in a motherly tone. "You can't go anywhere in this condition and that's final! You are staying right here, Severus Snape!"

Snape glared at her, but his voice was much weaker than it usually was. "The Dark Lord will not be pleased if . . ."

The Mediwitch cut in, "I don't care if he goes into extreme depression without you at his meeting. What, do you expect him to give you a hug if he sees you like this? He'll probably torture you with another session of Cruciatus Curses, just like whenever you "fail" your missions!"

The Headmaster said as Snape struggled to sit up, "Yes, Severus. You should not go to Voldemort when you are this weak."

"I can handle it," Snape gritted through his teeth as he stopped himself from groaning in pain. "I don't want him to get suspicious."

Dumbledore looked at Snape. In that pair of blue eyes, Snape could see a great depth of sadness. "Please, Severus. Stay here at Hogwarts and I promise that you will be safe."

"But. . ."

"You are an impossible man! You'll be no good to the Order if you are killed by You-Know-Who! Whatever you say, we won't allow you to go to him!" Pomfrey declared. Snape realized that she meant it. He thought silently and said, "Yes. You are right. I have to stay alive for the Order." He turned to Dumbledore added. "I promise I will not go to the Dark Lord tonight."

Pomfrey smiled in relief when she heard his words. Dumbledore was surprised at the sudden acquiescence. He observed Snape closely but couldn't find any trace of deception. After Snape repeated that he would not try to go to Voldemort, Dumbledore left him in Pomfrey's care for the night and went to rest.

The Mediwitch helped Snape lie back down on the bed, and covered his forehead with a cool towel. "You should try and get some sleep. It will help you to heal faster."

Snape didn't say a word and closed his eyes. When he heard Pomfrey busying herself with changing the sheets on another bed, he waved his hand, whispering, "Stupefy," and the Mediwitch was stunned. Slowly, he dragged himself out of bed and slipped into the safest passage he knew of, one that wouldn't lead him to Filch. He had to lean against the wall as he walked, for his legs were not strong enough to support him. His wandless magic had exhausted his energy more than he had thought.

Pain throbbed throughout his body, seizing his consciousness and coaxing him to oblivion, but he bit his lips and ignored it as he continued. His body wavered dangerously once the wall ended, and he had to use all his energy to limp outside unsupported.

Just one more step. . . one more. His body felt horribly cold and tired, but he told himself to move on. As soon as he stepped outside Hogwarts, he disapparated into the thin air.