Seven Point Six on the Weirdness Scale

Seven Point Six on the Weirdness Scale

Once upon a time in a world called Earth, Harry Potter was planning to go on a trip to Bournemouth with his Hogwarts classmates. He was taking his two best friends, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley, and his favorite classmates, Neville Longbottom and Hannibal Lechter. They were taking the train.

Hannibal and Hermione were laughing the whole way about some super intelligent inside joke. Harry and Ron were having a drooling contest and Neville was practicing his lines for his newest hit Broadway play.

"Oh Dr. Lechter! You're so hysterical! Tell me again exactly how you removed his lower mandible! It's just too funny!" Hermione simpered.

"Well, Miss Granger, it all started on a pleasant July evening. I was enjoying my night watching a concert by the Boston Philharmonic orchestra..." he started.

"Will you two hush? You're ruining my solo!" Neville whined.

"What's your play about anyway?" Hermione asked, in an overly kind voice. It was obvious that she was more interested in Hannibal's story

"Rabid albino ferrets, taking over the Malfoy manor," Neville said in a distracted tone and began singing again in his deep, baritone voice.

"And then the walls came crashing in! (Crashing In! Crashing in!) Everything was torn asunder! (Outside crashing!) Lightning and thunder! Ferrets gobbling on their toes, much to the delight of the Malfoy foes! Draco screamed like a girl, Mrs. Malfoy popped some pills!" he sang.

"Neville, girl and pills don't rhyme," Hermione pointed out.

"It does when I sing it. You just have to sing it the right way to get it to rhyme," Neville said impatiently.

"Oh you mean the way Scorpion made 'hurricane' and 'am' rhyme?" she asked.

"They never tried making those words rhyme Miss Granger," Hannibal pointed out. Hermione turned around.

"Yes they did! Listen to the song! They go 'Here I am. Rocked you like a hurriCAN,"

"Oh they do not, you can clearly hear them say 'cane' if you aren't deaf," Ron finally said and sucked in his loogie before it hit the floor.

"I am not deaf Ronald Weasley!" Hermione shrieked. This is when Harry spoke up.

"WOULD YOU TWO STOP FIGHTING? THAT'S ALL YOU ALL EVER DO! SHEESH! WHEN ARE YOU JUST GOING TO GET IT DONE AND OVER WITH AND GET MARRIED! I YELL SO THE AUTHOR MUST TYPE IN CAPS! NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND, I AM GOING TO GO BACK TO BEING A BROODING, ANGSTY FIFTEEN YEAR OLD!" Harry shouted and threw the nearest breakable thing he could reach across the train.

"Well, that was overly dramatic and unnecessary," Hannibal said after a minute. Neville was in tears by this time.

"Oh, Hermione is right! It doesn't rhyme! I'm ruined! Doomed! DON'T LET ME TURN OUT LIKE PETER PETTIGREW!" he screamed in between sobs. Everyone was puzzled at how exactly he knew who Peter Pettigrew was.

"Um, Neville, how exactly is singing some words wrong going to turn you into a death eater?" Ron asked. Hermione ignored Neville.

"Speaking of him, did you notice how he wasn't in any part of our adventure during the last school year?" she said to Ron. Ron nodded

"He probably died."

"Ronald Weasley! Just because he wasn't in the story line, doesn't mean he's dead! You are so morbid!" Hermione shrieked again. Harry again started bellowing about his angst and the frequency of his friend's arguments, and again threw something across the train. Hannibal ducked right before the item hit the wall where his head had been.

"Feisty little one isn't he?" he commented as Harry looked out the window with a scowl on his face.

"All right there, Neville?" Ron asked, watching Neville hum sporadically to himself, then furiously erase and write down more lines.

"Fine," he said. Ron smirked and turned towards Harry again.

"Shall we continue?"

"No, I've decided that it doesn't do well for angst-ridden teenagers to have drooling contests. I'm too preoccupied with my hardships," Harry said grimly. Ron rolled his eyes and turned towards Hannibal and Hermione, who were still talking.

"So anyway, I went ahead and convinced him that the orchestra would sound better without him playing the clarinet. Then I ate him. Fried him up like a chicken leg. It was finger licking good," he grinned then smacked his mouth at Hermione, who threw her hands up to her mouth in mock horror and then giggled.

"Wow. And you're not even a Death Eater! I am so impressed!" she squealed. Hannibal smirked.

"Being evil doesn't have to mean that you bend knee to a red eyed ponce twit in long robes," he said and leaned back importantly.

"I guess that's true. He was pretty girly looking when I saw him," Hermione said.

"Don't lie! You never saw him! You were knocked out from the purple stuff!" Ron pointed out.

"Just because I was unconscious doesn't mean I didn't see anything Ronald Weasley!" Hermione beat her fists on her knees as she shrieked. Harry rolled around, now for the third time, and began wailing.

"WHY CAN'T YOU TWO JUST SHUT UP? ALL DAY LONG IT'S OHHHH HERMIONE YOU'RE NOT RIGHT! OHHHHH RONALD WEASLEY, YOU'RE SO DUMB! OHH HERMIONE! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! NO TALKING BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU SHALL BE PERMITTED FROM THIS POINT FORWARD! ONLY I CAN BE OBNOXIOUS AND SCREAM AND BELLOW EVERY 2 MINUTES!" Harry shouted and since he'd run out of breakable things to throw, he punched the wall next to him. Ron shook his head.

"See what you did?" he mouthed silently to Hermione. Her eyes grew as large as dinner plates.

"I didn't do anything! You act like everything is my fault!" she mouthed frantically and angrily as she pointed at him.

"NO MOUTHING BACK AND FORTH EITHER!" Harry screamed and threw himself out the moving train window.

"Such a melodramatic boy!" Hannibal said. Neville snickered without looking up.

"You should have seen him when he was pining over Cho Chang. That is until she freaked out and cried over everything and he got all weirded out and didn't talk to her anymore," he said, then came forth with a couple of Fa's and Me's, before clearing his throat and scribbling on his paper again.

"Got it all worked out yet Neville?" Hermione asked. Neville shrugged.

"I think so, I changed the last verse from 'popped some pills' to 'lost her curls' if that makes any sense," he shrugged.

"Not really," Hannibal said and smiled. "You are single handedly ruining all that is musical, and if you don't fix it, I shall eat the sensory and creativity centers of your brain, along with your vocal cords. They'll make a nice dish don't you think?" Hannibal said nicely. Hermione rubbed her chin and nodded.

"Hmmm, with a base of garlic, butter and basil I should think," Hermione said. Neville's lip trembled, but Hannibal turned to her and nodded.

"Did I ever tell you how exquisite you look?" he asked her. Hermione blushed. "Would you ever say 'if you loved me, you'd let me go?' " he asked her.

"NOT IN A THOUSAND YEARS!" screamed Clarice Starling, as she rocketed out from under the seat and threw herself out the same window that Harry had previously jumped from. Hannibal looked shocked.

"Wow, I had no clue she was still assigned to my case," he said then shrugged and began making out with Hermione.

"Uhg, that's just not right," Ron said as Harry climbed back into the train, rather bloodied up from his tumble down the ravine the train was passing over. (How exactly he was able to tumble down a ravine, climb up and catch back up to the train is unimportant. Don't make me bust a move on you with my Jedi mind tricks!)

"Uhg, he's literally trying to suck the tonsils out of the back of her throat," Ron said. Harry looked over and shrugged.

"Whatever makes her happy. He seems to be the intellectual type that she can hang with, so if she wants to do that with him, that's fine with me," Harry said in a normal voice for once.

"Well, I'm glad I have your approval," Hermione gave Harry a slight glance.

"Hmmm, you know this could change the social dynamics of this entire group," Neville said thoughtfully. Ron rolled his eyes.

"Like it ever remains at a constant," he grumbled in a jealous voice as he glared out the window.

"Oh come on Ron, don't be jealous, I hear Luna Lovegood has the hots for you!" Neville responded idly as he as he started humming again. Ron cringed.

"Looney Lovegood? Oh that makes me feel better, thanks Longbottom," he said in a grumpy tone. Neville was too busy to respond though. Hermione and Hannibal seemed too occupied with their little snog session to bother listening to anyone. After a few minutes however, an owl swooped through the broken train window and landed on Harry's lap.

"Hmm. You're not Hedwig, I wonder what this is all about? Oooo! Maybe someone else I know and care about has died so I have even more reason to be depressing," he said and took the roll from the owl. It hooted then flew off. He opened it and started laughing. Everyone was shocked until Harry held up the item the owl had delivered to him. It was a special report from the The Quibbler, with a moving picture on the front page of Hermione and Hannibal embraced. The headline: HOGWARTS STUDENT HAS ILLICIT SMOOCHIE SESSION WITH CONVICTED/FUGATIVE CANNIBAL...AND HE EATS HER LIPS!

"Wow. News travels fast!" Ron said and smirked. Hermione shrieked.

"RONALD WEASLEY! HOW DARE YOU LAUGH AT THE DEFAMATION OF SOMEONE'S CHARACTER, ESPECIALLY MINE!" She put her hands on her hips. Harry's smile quickly disappeared.

"WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT YELLING? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST CONTINUE SITTING THERE AND PLAY TONSIL TAG WITH THE HOMOCIDAL MANIAC OVER THERE HERMIONE! HE DIDN'T EVEN LAUGH AT YOU QUIT OVERREACTING! AUUUUUGH!" Harry screamed and pulled the train seat up from the floor and began bashing himself in the head with it.

"Wow. Maybe I should be writing a play about Harry instead," Neville commented as he watched the insane new spectacle that Harry was putting on. Hermione looked hurt.

"Oh, there now precious one. Close your eyes and ignore your friend. Did he hurt your feelings? I'll cook his tongue and eat it to quell the comments coming from his nasty mouth," Hannibal said as he cradled Hermione's bushy head.

"Awww, that's probably the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me," Hermione said, while staring deeply into Hannibal's eyes. They stayed that way for a few moments before they kissed again. Ron rolled his eyes as Neville used a unique charm that surprised everyone since he was so bad at spells. Cherry blossom petals blew gently out of the end of his wand and blew sideways past the two as they kissed

"Look! Just like in a cheesy romance Anime!" Neville said, sounding very proud of himself.

"Idiots," Ron muttered under his breath as he looked back to Harry.

"Are we there yet? The lack of plot to this whole sequence is just giving me a headache. Can't you do something? You're The Boy Who Lived!" Ron pleaded.

"Of course I can!" Harry said and looked over the back of his seat, to find a twenty three year old woman with chin length short brown hair, furiously typing on a lap top computer.

"Hey, Zephralysia, would you mind ending this story? It's getting kinda freakish. I mean why in the hell did you include Hannibal Lechter? I mean come on, you know how Hermione is with rule breaking...do you think she'd actually fall in love with a criminal?" Harry asked. The rest of the group got up and looked to the spot where Harry was looking.

"What? I thought it was funny!" Zephralysia said and glared at Harry, who scratched his head.

"I was wondering why I threw myself out of a train window," he said then shrugged.

"I mean come on, I have a right to be angry in the fifth book. A lot of stuff happened to me!" Harry continued

"Yeah, see what you've been doing? Making people act out of character! It's worse then the Imperius Curse! Get out of here!" Ron said irritably.

"But...I liked being a playwrite!" Neville whined.

"My point exactly, get out of here before you give him more crazy ideas," Ron said to Zephralysia. She scrunched her face at him.

"So, where do you want me to go then?" I'm kind of stuck here," Zephralysia pointed out. Ron shrugged.

"You could always jump out the train window," Harry grinned and scratched his chin.

"You're making me angry. You should know not to make a writer angry," Zephralysia said and began to type again. Quite suddenly, Harry sprouted a pink tutu, and Dumbledore burst into the train car dressed like a ninja and kicked everyone in the head, which made Zephralysia laugh.

The End