Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous

(A/N) This is much funnier if you imagine Robin Leach's voice actually saying the words)

Transcript of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous: The Riddle House

Episode 7834

Robin Leach: Good evening, I'm Robin Leach for Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Today we'll be taking an extensive peep into the home of that Bad Boy of the Wizarding world. That's right, we're standing outside the overgrown home of Vol...er I mean You-Know-Who. The Riddle House, a once grand building located in the heart of Little Hangleton, it was the home of The Dark Lord's father and grandparents. Though the Dark Lord didn't grow up here as a child, he now claims residence here. Ah, and here's our host now, waiting on the doorstep. Good evening Mr. Dark Lord.

Voldemort: Good evening mortal.

Robin Leach: I hear that you're going to show us around your house today. I hope the exterior is no indication of the interior condition of this house Mr. Dark Lord sir?

Voldemort: I've had my goonies fix up the inside considerably. We keep the outside of the structure as down-trodden as possible to keep people from coming in. Hiding in plain view if you will.

Robin Leach: Ah yes. Now folks you'll notice the fine quality of wood on the door, and the gold and silver plaque under the doorbell, neatly inscribed with the words, 'YOU-KNOW-WHO DOES NOT LIVE HERE. LONG LIVE HARRY POTTER' Down-trodden indeed sir! This plaque alone must have cost the Dark Lord the lives of five Muggles and a turnip to have made.

Voldemort: Six actually, and two turnips. I'll only accept the best for my humble abode! Hence the beautiful shrubbery!

*Both chuckle snobbishly and enter the house*

Robin Leach: Our first stop is the grand foyer. *Motions with hand towards cranberry colored foyer wall.* Notice the luxuriant velvet that covers the walls of this entrance hall!

Voldemort: 50 Galleons a square foot, but I was able to murder the shopkeeper and get the whole roll for free.

Robin Leach: A great tip for penny pinchers with wine taste on a beer budget! And what do we have here by the entrance closet, a pair of ice skates! How humble!

Voldemort: Not just ice skates Robin, but eeeevil ice skates!

Robin Leach: What makes them so 'eeeevil' Mr. Dark Lord?

Voldemort: See? I wrote 'evil' on them all by myself in the blood of a wizard who dared to oppose me.

Robin Leach: Ah, so you did! And where exactly do you use these evil ice skates?

Voldemort: There's an ice rink in the basement. I'll be happy to show it to you later off camera. I'm still a bit clumsy, but the ice is actually frozen blood!

Robin Leach: You must be one popular fellow at house parties!

Voldemort: Of course mortal, you should see me sing kareoke! Shall I show you my living room?

Robin Leach: As we enter the living area, I want you to take a look at this splendid fireplace! Carved out of solid black marble, it gives the room an elegant feel, and accents the antique décor perfectly. Sir, I was told there is a special history you wanted to share with us about this particular table here in the corner.

Voldemort: Yes. This is the table my foolish Muggle relatives ate their last meal at. THEY DARED TO ABANDON ME AT THE DRATTED ORPANAGE, and therefor incurred the wrath of the teenaged quasi-evil Dark Lord. *chuckles heartily* oh, those were the days. I was so young and full of spanking young evil hatred.

Robin Leach: I think we can all relate to that

Voldemort: Oh really?

Robin Leach: No not really. I was just saying that to make you feel better. FREEEEEEEEAK! *Mr. Leach points and laughs at the Dark Lord*

Voldemort: *waves hand at Robin* Oh, you! Look! Here comes one of my goonies now!

Robin Leach: He seems to be about the right size to do the "Truffle Shuffle"

Voldemort: The what?

Robin Leach: An amusing dance from a Muggle movie. A group of children made their husky friend do the Truffle Shuffle before he was allowed to enter the residence. It was rather funny and degrading. The husky Muggle child had to lift his shirt and bounce around.

Voldemort: As amusing as that sounds, the thought of Wormtail lifting his shirt and bouncing around is quite disturbing. Say Hello Wormtail.

Wormtail: Hello Mr. Leach

Robin Leach: Hello. Are we ready to move to the next room?

Wormtail: Everything is ready as you requested, Master.

Voldemort: Excellent Wormtail. Is Mr. Malfoy ready?

Wormtail: Yes Master. Ready and waiting.

Voldemort: Good! I have a special treat planned for you tonight Mr. Leach. If you will follow me to the entertainment room.

Robin Leach Narrative: As I followed the Dark Lord through his exquisite manor, I couldn't help but take in the sites and priceless beauties. Every inch of his magnificent home seems to be decorated in the highest fashion. No doubt he would have paid a pretty penny for his acquisitions if he weren't such a murderous bastard...and used pennies. He lead us into a finely decorated room, but ordered us seated in luxuriant velvet chairs, in front of a miniature stage built into the corner of the room. The architecture in this room really astounded me,. It was originally built as a study, and he left the solid cherry shelves in place, all ornately carved.

Voldemort: Comfy?

Robin Leach: Very!

Voldemort: LET THE SHOW BEGIN!

*The curtains billow open, to reveal a rather tall, blonde man. He would be handsome, if it weren't for the fact that he is wearing a fluffy pink dress with white bloomers. His hair is done up in huge sausage curls and topped off with a large, gaudy pink bow. He's also carrying a Shepherd's crook and has a lamb toy standing next to him. The man is none other then Mr. Lucius Malfoy, The Dark Lord's number one right hand man. Lucius begins to skip back and fort around the stage with an indignant scowl.*

Lucius Malfoy: Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep, And can't tell where to find them. Leave them alone, And they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them. Little Bo Peep fell fast asleep, and dreamt she heard them bleating. But when she awoke, she found it a joke, for they were all still fleeting. Then up she took her little crook, determined for to find them. She found them indeed, but it made her heart bleed, for they'd left all their tails behind them! It happened one day, as Bo Peep did stray, into a meadow hard by. There she spied, their tails side by side, all hung on a tree to dry. She heaved a sigh and wiped her eye, and over the hillocks she raced; And tried what she could, as a shepherdess should, that each tail should be properly placed.

Voldemort: *Clapping* SPLENDID MR. MALFOY!

Robin Leach: *clapping in a confused manner* B-bravo?

Lucius Malfoy: I sense sarcasm in your voice Mister Leach. DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT I DRESSED UP LIKE A FOOLISH TWO YEAR OLD GIRL AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN LIKE MY PREFORMANCE! *Lucius pulls out his wand*

Voldemort: Now Lucius, wrathful evil is my bag, not yours.

Lucius Malfoy: *Kicks the ground, making the adorable edges of his fluffy pink dress poof up and down* Very well master. We will meet again Mr. Leach. *Hastily retreats, cute hair bouncing up and down as if spring loaded*

Voldemort: Well I believe you have enough footage for your show now, am I correct?

Robin Leach: Indeed you are correct. I'd like to thank you for showing us around your marvelous manor. Join us next week, as MC Hammer takes us on a tour of the newest addition to his card board box house in down town LA. Good night everyone!

*Fade to black with Voldemort and Robin pleasantly chatting*