Plot? What Plot?

"You must be joking."

Severus Snape, the great, greasy, bat-like git of Hogwarts' dungeons, nearly spat out his mouthful of hot, black tea.

"No. There is no way that he can make us do this."

In front of the intimidating professor sat Hermione, staring at the screen before her, mouth hanging open. For once, her professor did not chide her for the unattractive habit.

"It seems," she sighed, "that Dumbledore can make us do... whatever floats his boat."

At the mention of Albus's possibly floating "boat," Severus collapsed into his favourite armchair and let out a moan of horror.

"I should not have let you introduce that... bloody machine... to Albus Dumbledore, of all people."

Severus thought back to the time when Hermione had become his assistant - much to his apparent displeasure, she was the best potions student he had seen since... well, since he was a student. He had given her the small, closet-like space next to his private laboratory as a study. She brought with her a slim rectangular box, along with the rest of her potions-related belongings (books, books, books,) and speedily set up a few charms around the plasticky object.

"What is Hera's name is that?" he had asked at the time. She raised an eyebrow - a habit that he was already sorry she had learned from him - and responded, "Why Professor, don't you know what a computer is?" She followed that question with a thorough explanation of the purpose, workings, and development of the computer, which left the poor potions professor's head pounding. Of course Albus, being omnicient, knew at once of the newly activated technological device.

And then he demanded, with that trademark twinkle, that the whole school be internet-capable.

Suddenly, the oh-so-cheerful "You've Got Mail" spread about the castle like the bubonic plague. Not only were the students internet capable, no, they latched on to the computers as the best gossiping, romancing, and Harry Potter stalking tool that had been seen in years. Severus could not walk down the hall without hearing the forboding - and irritating - phrase, "Well, Harrysgrrl398 IMed me, and she said..."

Oh, but it didn't stop there.

You see, the professors were involved in this ludicrous experiment as well. Albus sent out cheery, human interest stories every monday morning. Madame Pomphrey wrote email after email about health and safety ("Never forget, the Contraceptus Charm is your friend!") Trelawney, true to form, predicted through email at least one tragic death per day.

Hermione thought it was amusing. Severus was inclined to disagree. Actually, Severus was inclined to growl menacingly every time he even smelled the infernal contraptions.

But today, today Albus had finally gone too far.

Aparrently, the venerable old wizard had discovered fanfiction. One must suppose it was an innocent discovery - he most likely entered some vague term into a search engine and found, to his great delight, a wealth of strange material. Imagine, if you will, Albus Dumbledore giggling over Buffy smut. Or X-files epics. Or Newsies slash.

He adored it all.

So he, in his great wisdom, issued what he had learned was a "challenge." His birthday was fast approaching, it seemed, and he humbly asked for one piece of fiction per student and professor. This, in itself, would not be so horrific; any first year could write a Weird Sisters fic. But as Hermione read the challenge aloud to a crumpled Severus, the perameters of the challenge became frighteningly clear.

She cleared her throat, and began:

"Dear students and professors,

I hope that you have been enjoying our new computers as much as I have. They certainly have proved a most useful invention, have they not?

I, like many others, I'm sure, have stumbled (does one stumble on-line?) across a marvelous body of literature called fanfiction. It seems that muggles have taken to writing stories about their favourite fictional, and sometimes real, people! I for one have found the whole sub-culture exhilirating, and think that you all will, too. This is why I have come up with a "challenge" (an idea for a story) for all of us! Each student and professor will get the chance to show off his or her writing skills.

My requests are as follows:

Thank you all very much, and I look forward to reading your pieces on the fifteenth of december!

Happy writing,

Albus Percival Wulfrin Brian Dumbledore"

Hermione stopped reading. She glanced over at her shocked professor, whose eyes had glazed over and taken on a slightly crazed look. Looking at the bottom of her email, her eyes widened in distress. For there, in the bottom right corner, was the name that she, since opening the email, had dreaded to see.

"Congratulations, Miss Granger! You will be writing about Professor Severus Snape!"