ANALogy and TOPology

Another repellent tribute to the manure pit of the Teenage Sex Gods fics. Parody/Humour. My favourite boys having a discussion of matters sexual with a bit of help in the form of graphic visual aid from the top shelf of the local news agent. Featuring JuvenileDelinquent!Harry and Pliant!Draco.

A/N : Plot inspired by a rabid discussion on a gay message board.

* * * *

They sat together, engrossed over the well-thumbed magazine that lay open on Harry's lap. Pictures of muscular young men in various state of undress and congress were splashed in lurid technicolour across the pages. Draco goggled at a particular image of two young men engaged in an impossibly flexible pose.

"Where did you get this magazine from, again?" he frowned, making a grab at the magazine, turning it sideways, cocking his head in disbelief.

"Dean."

"Dean gave it to you ?" said Draco, bug-eyed.

"Yeah. He thought it would be...erm, educational for us."

"Educational ?" pause, then rising horror , "Us ?"

Harry shrugged nonchalantly, "Yeah." Draco has shot onto his feet and was staring at him like he has sprouted an extra head. Harry looked at him quizzically and picked up the magazine which Draco has dropped in his agitated state. "Chill out, mate. Don't get your pink panties in a twist."

"Arrrgh! You four-eyed git ! Are you saying he knew about --" he propelled his arms wildly, "you and me ?"

Harry grinned charmingly and purred smoothly, "Isn't that obvious, you silly prick. We disappeared at all hours. You come to class disheveled and stinking of sex, and so do I. I believe the giveaway was your brilliant use of the silencing charms minus the stabilising charm during your last sleep over. Hell, Dean confessed that he almost freaked out thinking some ghost has taken to shaking and rocking the students' beds in our dorm room."

Draco's mouth dropped open wide enough to nestle Pigwidgeon. Harry ignored him and continued ,
"It did not take him long to figure it out. He's brought up as a muggle, remember, and apparently he spent much time during the school break reading the special interest magazines from the top shelves at WHSmith." he patted the ground between his legs. "Now sit down. I want to show you something."

Draco did as he was told. He reflected briefly; lately, he seemed to be following Harry's orders without a second thought. A shiver ran up his spine, making his skin crawl. Did Harry put a subtle version of the Imperius curse on him ? Harry was known to be notoriously and appallingly behaved as and when the mood suited him, and he has demonstrated in the past, time and again, that school rules did not apply to wizarding hero Harry Potter .

Harry Potter, in short, was a juvenile delinquent.

Draco quelled the alarming train of thought as Harry draped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close.

"You okay, mate ?" the green eyes bored into him. Draco gave a small nod.

"Yeah. Just the shock I guess."

Harry ruffled his hair playfully. "Here, read this." he said thrusting the magazine towards Draco.

"What's there to read ? It's just two blokes doing -- crikey, can you do that ?"

"I'm game , if you want me to..." Harry smirked. Draco gaped at him in appalled horror. "The next page, silly."

Draco blushed. "Oh." Very fetching, Harry thought. Very girly.

"Here," Harry said, running his fingers up and down Draco's neck. " 'ANALogy & TOPology, New techniques, skills and positions' by Ben Dover. Read that for me."

Draco read in a slightly singsong voice. "The best topologist is able to:
1) Sustain his erection long
2) postpone his cumming by 3-5 hours

... crikey, three to five hours ? Argh, that's ... That's too much."

Behind him, Harry hmmmed and lighted a cigarette. "I did not hear you complain the last time." he chided, passing the cigarette to Draco and lighting another one for himself. "Go on, continue."
He took a long drag from the cigarette and exhaled through his nose.

"Okay. Point 3) find different positions that can stimulate the G-Spot. 4) Use foreplay in between penetration to enhance intimacy. Yeah, this sound right. Perceptive writer, for a muggle." Draco pointed to a picture of a smarmy looking man at the left of the article. The picture did not move, but he imagined that the man was giving him a lewd grin. Harry stuck a finger in his ear and wriggled it , causing him to go crossed-eyed for a moment.

"Point 5) Use voice and words to increase eroticism. Hah, I've yet to see you do that." he paused, taking a drag and prodded Harry in the chest.

Harry grinned and clamped his mouth over Draco's, muffling the boy's startled squeak and exhaled second hand smoke down Draco's throat. Draco coughed spasmodically. "You are supposed to exhale the smoke through your nose, silly. How many times do I need to tell you ?" Harry said, thumping Draco's back with unnecessary force. The blond glared at him.

"Jerk. I must be going mad. I don't know why I put up with your primitive behaviour at all." he whined. Harry's mischievous lopsided smile stalled his next words as effectively as rock cliff against a charging bull. He has you twisted round his fingers, he thought. And you like it.

Harry gestured at the magazine impatiently, squinting through the cigarette smoke.

"6) Able to penetrate at different speed, depth, direction, and a combination of these. Blimey, is this Ben Dover bloke referring to a person or a pneumatic drill ?" Draco chuckled despite himself. "Hey, take a look at this picture. Isn't that Ben Dover himself ... Gah, he looked pained."

Harry took the magazine from Draco's grip and peered at it to get a better view of the intrepid writer demonstrating his point no.6. "A picture paints a thousand words, mate. That's a very interesting position indeed," he whistled. "And nope, that's the look of passion, not pain."

Draco looked sideways at Harry.

"Fuck me. Passion indeed. He's giving that poor guy a colon irrigation."

Harry guffawed and kissed the top of Draco's head affectionately. "You are such a comedian, you know that ?" he rumbled. Draco blushed and nuzzled against Harry's neck, pulling the other boy's arms snugly around his waist. Using Harry as a living blanket was a comforting feeling , since the boathouse was devoid of any heating. The quaint British belief that the cold enabled one to concentrate better apparently transcended both the muggle and wizarding worlds. It was of course, pure bollocks.

"Let's see what the human pneumatic drill has to say next," said Draco, apparently enjoying himself. "7) Use touch, sucking, biting, tongue, etc. to complement penetration. Oh, yes. I definitely agree with that. Harry, what are you -- ow, ow! Stop it...it's ticklish. Ow, Harry...,"

He swatted at Harry's hands that were roaming under his T-shirt, tickling his armpits. Draco squirmed in silent laughter, but Harry's grip was stronger than rubber glue. "Cut it out," he gasped, arching his back into Harry's chest, banging his heels on the ground. Harry ceased all movement, smirking at the now breathless blond. How he enjoyed it when Draco got all hot and bothered. It made him very fetching indeed. Like a pretty choirboy, he mused.

"Read point 8," he urged, tapping on the magazine and lit up another cigarette. He blew smoke out of his nostrils. He then held the cigarette towards Draco.

Draco took a drag and passed the stick back before settling himself in the fork of Harry's legs and allowing Harry to tug his left hand. His breathing hitched when Harry started to suck his fingers with deliberate slowness.

"You are distracting me," he gulped. Harry harrumphed and tapped at the magazine again. "Uh, point 8) Penetrate without using any artificial lubricant. Ha ! This guy has no idea what the Lubricare Digitati charm can do, huh Harry ? Especially since you discovered the fruit flavoured version of the spell," he giggled.

"Yeah, I'm partial to the 'Kiwifruit flavour' version myself. It's better than the 'Strawberries and Cream'" said Harry, stubbing the cigarette out carefully.

"I happen to like 'Strawberry and Cream' myself, thank you very much,"

"Wuss,"

"Am not."

"Hah !" snorted Harry , tightening his grip against Draco's middle. "Are too."

Draco tried to twist around to face him, but was effectively rendered immobile. Harry has deceptively strong arms. All those broomstick gripping moves that he made while plunging headlong in a vertical drive during Quidditch practice must have paid off somehow. Draco gave up struggling.

"Am not a wuss," he pouted. When all else fail, pout. he mentally smirked. That gets Harry every time.

Harry nibbled his left ear. "You are very pretty for a wuss," said Harry , between mouthfuls of ear. "You screamed the last time we forgot to use the charm,"

"You forgot, you mean." Draco retorted. It was something he would rather not experience again, thank you very much. "And my screaming the Slytherin dorm down did not prompt you to stop, did it ? Greg almost had a heart attack when he saw you in that vampire get-up glamour and I have never seen Vince scapered out of any room that fast."

Harry bellowed with laughter, screwing his eyes shut and toppling backwards in mirth. Draco glared and elbowed him roughly on the stomach. He felt a certain sense of satisfaction at that. Harry propped himself on his elbows and cocked his head at the defiant looking blond, trying hard to control his laughter and failing miserably. The look on Draco's face was priceless.

He grinned.

Draco's facade melted.

"Erm, I did send you that vespa inner tube to make up for it," said Harry , as he worked his hands into the other boy's T-shirt again. "I'm sorry." he added, and stuck his tongue inside Draco's ear.

Draco felt his knees giving way, but as he was already seated on the ground, the effect went unnoticed.

"And," he said, glazed-eyed. "You actually expect me to bring the tube to class and sit on it ? I had a damn sore arse, Harry, not piles. What would I say to Snape, anyway ?"

Harry answered from the region of his lower back, "You weren't complaining then,"

"I was in shock the first time round,"

"And the second ?" pressed Harry, slipping his hands into Draco's trousers' pocket.

"Erk...," Draco gasped. "I did not expect you to recover so soon,"

Harry smirked. "I did rest for seven minutes," he proclaimed smugly.

"After forty minutes ? You bloody ... human pneumatic drill !"

Harry chuckled. "Oh, is that why you were so quiet and pliant the third time round ?"

Draco gritted his orthodontically corrected teeth. "I believe it escaped you that I had practically passed out by then," he ground out. "Not that it stopped you from having your wicked ways with me. Bastard."

"Ah," said Harry, understandingly. "It was only three and a half hours, Draco. Look, Ben Dover said the best topologist should be able to sustain his erection and postpone his cumming by 3-5 hours. It's nowhere near five hours." He paused thoughtfully, "--and point 9 said the best topologist is able to Control as and when he wants to cum. The final point is being able to recover from a short rest fast to continue."

Draco's gaze took in Harry's serious expression in growing alarm. Not that he was quite certain why, to be honest . They stared at each other in silence.

And then Harry spoke.

"Look, Draco," he said with deliberate slowness. "Usually, an ordinary top can master only 2-3 aspects. Someone who is able to master 5-7 or more would be a good top; those who master 8 or more would be a Super top." Harry's green eyes bore into his with a maniacal glint. "I want to be a Super Top." he declared with finality.

Draco froze, as effectively as if Harry had cast the Petrificus Totalus hex on him. He had seen the look in Harry's eyes before, usually when the boy was hellbent on catching the Snitch.

The hiss of the cigarette lighter shook him out of his shock. Harry was looking at him far too calmly as he took a long drag on his cigarette. Draco was painfully aware that he was still seated between the fork of Harry's legs, although he had turned around to face the dark-haired boy sometime in the last five minutes or so. Harry was seriously creeping him out. Draco swallowed involuntarily.

"That Dover guy is a raving loony," he declared. "And you, you are a bigger and more dangerous loony if you think you are going to practise aiming for the 'Super Top' status by roping in my help."

Harry gazed at him through lidded eyes. "Ropes can be arranged if you want," he said.

"Arrrgh! Snap out of it, Harry. You are freaking me."

"You are not denying me, Draco. You will not deny me."

"Harry...," Draco said in a small voice as Harry crawled towards him. He was suddenly reminded of a vampire. A very sexy vampire. He gulped. I'm sure he's going to put me under Imperius, he thought in rising panic. But I can't see his wand anywhere. Arrrgh. Not a mental image I need right now.

From the peripheral of his hearing, he thought he heard Harry intoned, "Bohica."

That was all the proof he needed to prove beyond refute that Harry Potter, juvenile delinquent, last hope of the British wizarding world was irrefutably and irredeemably psycho.

Harry grinned at him evilly, his incisors gleaming in the half-light.

"Bohica," he repeated, as he grabbed Draco by the waist and spun him face down on the floor. "Bend over, here it comes again."

Draco yelled like a hooligan.

And then, the only sound that can be heard was the laplaplap of the water against the boats.

~ FIN ~

26 July 2002.