The Awakened Sleeper

Author's Notes: Deathly Hallows was some ride, wasn't it? I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Because I began writing "The Awakened Sleeper" prior to the release of Deathly Hallows, there are some slight inconsistencies between the two that force me to categorize this fic as Alternate Universe. Since you've made it to Chapter 15, you know that this is a world where Lily and Severus became friends after the "Mudblood" incident, did not know each other prior to attending Hogwarts, and both have been characterized with those two points in mind. So I'm going to continue writing this story as I initially planned it. I hope you enjoy this chapter and the remainder of the tale!

I have to give some shout-outs (write-outs?) to a few folks. Thanks, Ashley, for allowing me to take time away from the important task of taking on the canon-bashers, one debate at a time (oh, and from trifling things like homework). Your feedback was helpful. To Albie: Wally loves ya, baby. Most importantly, thank you, PirateQueen, for all that you do. A lot of the credit for the improvement in my writing goes to you.

"Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts."

--Arnold Bennett

Chapter 15

Drawbacks and Discomforts

9 October 1976

Why did I do it? Why the HELL did I do it? Why is it that every time I get anywhere near her, my brain ceases to function? One stupid mistake has irrevocably ruined me. I thought that my mind was focusing on her too much before, but now it's even worse. I have to constantly keep my mind occupied with homework or reading because if I don't, my brain replays that kiss over and over again. Nighttime is the worst. If I sleep, I dream about her, and if I stay awake, I think about her all night. I've even started hoping that dear old Dad will start haunting my dreams again. I am so desperate for a good night's sleep, I actually considered drinking my Potions project last night.

Potions--the class I haven't been to since Monday. The class for which I have made increasingly idiotic excuses so I can skive off. I cannot avoid her forever--the only way Slughorn will allow me to miss another class is if I am bleeding internally. I remember reading about a spell that causes internal bleeding. I'll have to look it up. I definitely can't take it back. She knows exactly how I feel now.

The thing I cannot comprehend is why she kissed me back. She probably did it out of pity. Maybe it's Befriend a Freak Week, and Lily Evans went above and beyond the call of duty as usual. I will not even entertain the possibility that she wanted to. That she liked it. She probably retched the moment I ran out of the room, or Scourgified her mouth so much her taste buds have permanently memorized the soapy aftertaste.

And yet I want to kiss her again--proof positive that I have gone insane. I wonder if it's possible

Before Severus could finish putting his thoughts down on paper, he heard a distinct rustling that could only mean one thing--someone was approaching. He quickly grabbed his wand and muttered the incantation that changed his journal to an innocuous looking textbook. He threw it into his bag, withdrew his sketchbook and pencils, and began making broad strokes across a blank page just as he saw a pair of red sneakers appear from behind the boulder he was sitting against. His life being what it was, there was only one person to whom the sneakers could possibly belong.

"I've been looking everywhere for you, Severus," Lily said.

"Eureka, you've found me," he muttered, not daring to look at her. The sound of her voice was enough to make his heart beat triple-time. He didn't think the organ was strong enough to deal with the sight of her as well. "Funnily enough, I don't remember asking to be found."

"It wasn't easy," she said. "I mean, it's Saturday. You could have been anywhere. But I remembered you coming from this direction the day after I slapped you. I thought it was worth a try, and here you are."

He kept his vision glued on his sketchbook. From the corner of his eye, Severus could see her using the rubbery white tip of her sneaker to push up the leg of her jeans and rub her calf, presumably to relieve an itch. There was something about the action that was... appealing to him.

"Yes, here I am, in the place I like to go when I want to be alone."

"Oh, r-right," Lily stammered, "I understand. It's just that I wanted to give you this."

To his horror she squatted next to him. Now that she was at eye level, he had no choice but to look at her. The first thing he noticed was her hair. Silken strands of flame were dancing around her face, the wind blowing a wayward strand into her mouth. Lily tucked the offending piece of hair behind her ear, but his eyes never left her lips. The memory of those lips crushed against his was still fresh, as though the feeling had been seared into his flesh.

Just as Severus realized he'd been staring at her far too long, Lily held up a piece of folded parchment in front of her face. "Here, take this."

"What is it?" he asked, snatching the parchment from her fingers as hard as he could without tearing it.

"Didn't your mother teach you that it's rude to snatch things?"

"She might have mentioned it once or twice. Of course, you're under the mistaken assumption that I care." He unfolded the parchment and scanned it. "Oh," he sneered in the nastiest tone he could muster, "it's the brewing instructions for the Draught of Dreamless Slumber. As if I didn't already have them."

"Well, how was I to know you had them already?" Lily asked indignantly. "You haven't been in class, have you? Since the instructions weren't included in that article, I went to Madam Pomfrey and asked for them first thing Tuesday morning. And since I've seen neither hide nor hair of you since Monday evening, I..."

They had finally come to the topic Severus had no intention of discussing. He went back to sketching, his hand moving furiously as he bent over the page. He could hear the rustle of Lily's cloak as she sat down next to him.

"Severus, don't you think we ought to talk about what happened?"

"No."

"I really think we should--"

"I do not give a damn what you think at the moment," he said, deliberately affecting a bored, indifferent tone. "I'm busy."

"I know what you're doing." Lily folded her arms across her chest in a seemingly frustrated manner, and Severus took a small amount of pleasure in the knowledge that he was irritating her as much as she was unnerving him. "You're being rude and nasty to me so I'll leave. It won't work, so you can drop the act."

"You really think you've got me twigged, don't you?"

"No, I don't," she said. "I certainly don't understand why you kissed me and ran off."

"I am not talking about it!"

"Yes, you bloody well are, damn it!" Lily snatched the sketchbook and pencil away from Severus and threw them down on the ground between them.

He was quiet for a moment, coolly regarding his belongings before turning his gaze to Lily. "I thought it was rude to snatch things from people. I suppose my mother isn't the only one whose parental skills are lacking."

"Oh, shut it."

"Well, which do you want me to do? I can't talk and shut up at the same time, now can I?"

"You mean to tell me that the infallible, all-knowing Severus Snape can't perform a simple feat of ventriloquism?"

"As of today, no, I can't," he replied, feeling his mouth upturn in a lopsided, half-smile. In spite of himself, he was enjoying what had become their usual back and forth volley of banter.

"Pity," Lily said, smoothly shifting so that she was sitting across from him. "I'm sure we'd make a killing if you could. Why'd you kiss me, Severus?" she asked without missing a beat.

Scowling, Severus crossed his long legs and folded his arms simultaneously. He knew he was pouting like a child, but he detested the way Lily was putting him on the spot. How was he supposed to tell her why he'd kissed her when he wasn't even sure why he had done it? The only thing he knew for certain was that he wasn't ready to tell Lily he fancied her.

I fancy Lily Evans, he thought, truly admitting it by saying the words to himself for the first time. As soon as the thought entered his mind, he felt lighter, just as he had Monday evening when he had held her in his arms. I suppose I know why I kissed her after all, but there is absolutely no way I'm telling her that.

"Well?" Lily said, leaning back on her hands and impatiently drumming her fingers on the ground behind her. "Are you going to say something, or are you going to sit there all afternoon, looking like you've smelled something whiffy?"

Severus quickly relaxed his face. "I suppose I got... caught up in the moment," he said, hoping that he sounded convincing.

"How so?" asked Lily, tilting her head as though he was an experiment to be observed and studied.

"We had finally found the potion, so I was excited."

"So was I." She had stretched her legs out alongside his and crossed them at the ankles. Every now and then, she'd rock her feet back and forth, bumping his thigh in the process. "Go on."

"Well," he said, shifting slightly, "I was happy. I was actually happy, and I haven't felt that way in a long time. Not to mention the fact that you were throwing yourself at me--"

"What!" Lily yelled, her body snapping into an upright position like a taut rubber band suddenly being released. "I was not throwing myself at you!"

"You couldn't keep your hands off of me, really," he said, smirking. "What was that you said? Oh, yes..." Adopting an airy, high-pitched voice, he proceeded to mock her. "'Most blokes our age would like nothing more than to have a girl wrap herself around them, but here you sit whining about personal space. You don't make sense.' I suppose I make sense after all, don't I?"

Lily lips twitched briefly before she said, "Stop trying to make me laugh, and stop trying to make this about me! Yes, I wanted to hug you, as friends so often do, but you're the one who decided to do the snogging. You, Severus, not me."

"What do you want me to say?" Finding it extremely uncomfortable to look at her, Severus stood, turning his back to her when he began tracing his fingers over fissures in the rock. He briefly wondered how old the boulder was. Had it been there as long as the castle had? How many angst-filled, teenage conversations had it eavesdropped on over the centuries?

"Do you want me to tell you that I was weak and gave in to my raging teenage hormones? Fine," he said, throwing her a look over his shoulder, "I-was-weak-and-I-gave-in-to-my-raging-teenage-hormones. Can we drop this now, please?"

"So that's it, is it?" she said, ignoring his plea. "Hormones and nothing more?"

"Yes," he said. Lily's tone and line of questioning were raising alarms. It sounded to Severus like she was fishing for a specific response. Could it be that she actually wanted to hear him say that he had more than friendly feelings for her? Of course not, you berk. Get your head out of the clouds.

"Well," she said, "I suppose that explains why you kissed me, but it doesn't explain why you stopped and ran away. What happened?"

Placing his increasingly fidgety hands in his pockets, Severus turned around and leaned against the boulder. "I realized it was a mistake, so I stopped. I didn't want to talk about it, so I ran. The end."

Lily hugged her knees to her chest and pulled her cloak around her in one fluid motion. She seemed to have taken a sudden interest in the fabric that was draped around her, silently staring at it for several moments. "Kissing me was a mistake?"

"Yes." Now that he'd trapped his hands, his feet wanted to move. Rather than giving a spectacular encore performance of his cowardly sprinting abilities, he propped his foot against the ancient rock behind him.

"Why?" she asked, now picking at the miniscule balls of pilled fabric on the cuff of her jumper.

"You ask too many sodding questions, you know."

"Please answer me," said Lily, her voice fragile and hesitant as though she was unsure of herself.

For the briefest of moments, Severus wondered if the possibility of Lily actually enjoying his kiss was as far fetched as he had initially believed. He quickly dismissed this thought as wishful thinking. She was directing her voice toward the ground; she sounded strange because she wasn't looking at him. It was idiotic for him to think otherwise, even for a second. Yet even as Severus admonished himself, he couldn't help taking advantage of the opportunity that Lily's averted attention presented. His eyes became sponges, soaking up the sight of her.

"My reasons are my own," he replied after several minutes.

Lily finally looked up at him, and when she spoke, her voice was as strong as ever. "Maybe so, but the end result involved you spending several minutes with your lips attached to mine, so I think I have a right to know. Was it..." Her voice faded as her vision tracked a dead, dry leaf that the wind had blown in her direction. "Was it because of me?"

Severus was taken aback by her question. Why would Lily think she was the reason he stopped kissing her that night? If anything, she was the reason he had wanted to continue. Their conversation was heading in a direction that was potentially problematic. If he said no, she'd keep badgering him until he finally told her the whole truth, and he wasn't too keen on telling her there was a very real possibility he might just be as perverted as Evan Rosier. To lie and say he stopped because of her was not an option. Therefore, he couldn't answer her question.

Instead, he sat down before her, resting his forearms on his bent knees as he said, "Look, I do not want things to be like this."

Lily's eyes searched his face for a moment. "Like what?"

"Awkward. Everything is awkward now. I did that. We've been enjoying each other's company, but now--"

"Wait a tick," she interrupted, "we've been enjoying each other's company?"

Realizing too late what he had acknowledged, Severus replied, "I'm prepared to admit that I like spending time with you."

"Oh, that's awfully big of you, Severus," Lily said, an impish grin stretching across her face.

"As I was saying," he continued through clenched teeth, "we've enjoyed spending time together, but look at us now. We could be talking about our project or what kind of books we like to read, or... anything other than... what I did."

"You kissed me," she said. "You can say it out loud, you know. Not speaking of it doesn't make it any less real."

"You don't get it, do you? I have tainted our friendship! We could be doing so many other things right now, instead of focusing on--on..." Severus tried desperately to find some other topic of conversation. "We're supposed to be friends and you haven't even asked me where I've been all week!"

"Why would I ask a question I already know the answer to?" Lily asked, examining her neatly trimmed fingernails. "You've been avoiding me."

"I have not been avoiding you," Severus said, knowing he had replied too quickly to be believed.

"Yes, you have."

"No, I haven't!"

"Of course, you have."

"That is not the point!" he exclaimed, knowing a lost cause when he saw one. "The point I am trying to make is everything has changed now. I was out of line, and now you probably think--"

"Okay, Severus," Lily said, rolling her eyes, "just stop it. Look, this is obviously bothering you a lot. It happened, but it doesn't have to happen again. I was just curious about it, but we don't have to talk about it anymore, if that's what you want. I'm sure you won't mention it, and I definitely don't plan on having this conversation again. I don't see why things can't go back to normal between us. How does that sound?"

Could it really be that simple? Could the two of them really behave as though he hadn't temporarily lost his mind and acted on impulse? It won't erase what happened, no matter how much you want to forget it, said the nasty voice in the back of his head. Ignoring it, he said, "I think that would be best."

"Splendid," Lily said, a layer of frost inexplicably coating her voice. She stood up, brushed dry leaves and grass from her bottom, and began to walk away. "Have a nice day, Severus."

"Wait," he called out. Confused by the sudden chill in her voice, he asked, "Where are you going?"

Lily stopped in her tracks and replied, "I thought this was the place you go to when you want to be alone." She glared at him over her shoulder. "I'm leaving you alone."

Severus desperately wanted her to remain with him, though he attempted to sound like he didn't care one way or the other. "Well, you're here now. You might as well stay."

She turned around to face him, silent as she seemed to mull over his offer. "Are you sure? I know you can't brood properly when I'm around."

"I do not brood."

To his satisfaction, Lily began marching toward him as she said, "Severus, not only do you brood, you sulk, you mope, and, occasionally, you pout."

"You have never seen me pout, Lily Evans."

"Au contraire, Severus Snape! I do believe I saw you pouting this very day." She sat down next to his long forgotten sketchpad and picked it up. "Since we don't have an instant replay, I'll just have to illustrate it for you."

"Don't I remember you saying your attempts at drawing have been complete rubbish?"

"You do, but I think I can manage this."

"This should be interesting," he said, watching as Lily picked up his art pencil and began to draw.

Severus nearly laughed out loud at the look of intense concentration that had settled on her face. He craned his neck to find out what she could possibly be drawing that called for such a high level of commitment, but Lily just held up her arm to shield the sketchbook and said, "No peeking."

"Fine, I can wait."

And wait he did, but not for long. After several minutes, Lily reached into a pocket for her wand and touched it to her picture. "Finite. Here you go," she said, handing Severus his sketchbook.

He looked down at the page to see a stick figure rendering of himself, complete with limp, black hair. The image's spindly little arms were crossed in front of its skinny body. Severus noted that its nose took up nearly a third of the face. The eyebrows were two lines, inwardly slanted toward the nose. This served to give them a knitted appearance, and made its pinprick eyes seem to glower at him. The straight, horizontal line that was its mouth was alternately lengthening and shortening, but never curving.

"It's like looking into a mirror," Severus said, his tone laced with a sardonic dryness.

"It is, isn't it?" Lily said, grinning. "See, the first expression is how you normally look, and the second is how you look when you pout. Not much of a difference, really."

"So I'm a perpetual pouter, am I?"

"If the stick figure fits, and, believe me, it fits."

"Right," he said, snatching at his art pencil. "I'll have this back, thank you."

"Oh, don't get angry, Sev, it's only a joke!"

"I am not getting angry," Severus said, turning to a clean page in the sketchbook. He gave her one of the rare smiles he saved just for her. "I'm getting even." He was about to begin drawing when he paused. "Sev?" he asked, frowning.

"Yeah, Severus is just so formal that I thought I'd give Sev a try. What do you think?"

"It's silly, juvenile, and annoying. I hate it."

"Sev it is, then," she replied.

If anyone else dared to use such an irksome sobriquet in reference to him, Severus would have been too happy to use that person as target practice for some of the nastier curses he had learned during his studies. But Lily was not just anyone. Coming out of her mouth, that one little syllable spoke volumes. It spoke of their friendship and the possible endurance of the same. As far as Severus was concerned, Lily could call him Sev whenever she liked.

But he couldn't let her know that. As he made his initial strokes across the page he said, "It is high time for your comeuppance, Lily Evans."

"Bring it on, Sev."

*~*~*~*

Sunday proved to be even more blustery than the previous day had been. The students of Hogwarts were spending as much time as they could in close proximity to the various heat sources scattered about the castle. As a result, the Gryffindor common room had been too crowded and noisy, and Lily was forced to seek silent refuge in her dorm room. She had been attempting to study for the last hour, but unfortunately, thoughts of her early afternoon potion-brewing session with Severus had distracted her so much that after an hour of reading, she'd only managed to progress two pages into her Transfiguration assignment. Frustrated, Lily slammed the book shut and tossed it onto her bed. There was no point in pretending she was actually making any sort of progress, and now her mind was free to try and make sense of things.

Bizarre, thought Lily as she reclined upon the mountain of pillows between her and the headboard of her bed. If I had to sum up my friendship with Severus in one word, that word would be bizarre. How else could she possibly describe it? She never knew what to expect from Severus. His mood could go from frosty to tepid in the blink of an eye. One moment, he was throwing insults and barbs her way, and the next moment, he was kissing her.

And what about the kiss that had invaded her thoughts at every possible moment over the course of the week? Lily had caught herself thinking about it at the most inopportune times. She had left many of her classes with her stomach contorting itself into knots, worrying that she'd missed some important, revelatory lesson while her preoccupied mind was revisiting that kiss.

So what did it mean? With any other bloke, the obvious conclusion would be that he fancied her. But if she'd learned anything at all about Severus Snape over the last couple of months, it was that there was more to him than met the eye. He was an enigma--a mystery of a human being the likes of which Lily had never before encountered. The normal rules did not apply to him.

His behavior had done nothing to untwist the mixed signals he'd been giving off as of late. After his nearly week-long disappearance, she had sought him out, positive that he was harboring more than friendly feelings for her. Yet, by the end of their conversation, Lily had been sure of nothing. Was the kiss really nothing more than the impulsive actions of a randy teenage boy, or was that explanation just another one of his trademark deflections meant to keep her away from his true feelings?

Their afternoon potion-brewing session had been just as confusing. As they finally began preparing the needed ingredients for their potion, everything seemed like it was back to normal between them--except for the unspoken rule that they should keep a considerable amount of distance between them. This had been especially difficult and frustrating for Lily to endure. She was a naturally demonstrative person. During the course of their time together, she had found herself on the verge of lightly touching his hand or shoulder. She'd had to cover her actions by pretending to reach for tools or by quickly running her fingers through her hair.

"What do you think, Pellie?" she mumbled, turning to look at the stuffed pelican her parents bought for her during a family vacation long ago. She picked up the worn and much loved toy from her nightstand and sat it on her belly. Flapping its wings back and forth, she asked, "D'you think he fancies me, or not?" Empty black eyes stared back at her from a fuzzy white face, its smiling beak mocking her inner turmoil. "Laugh it up, why don't you? I honestly don't know why I keep you around, Pellie. You're only good for one thing."

She reached into its partially opened beak, dug around inside its snug, pouched bill, and withdrew a small cellophane bag of peppermint humbugs. She took one from the package, studying its black and white stripes. Such simple, straightforward colors, she thought, popping the minty morsel into her mouth. Nothing at all like the mixed up and confused gray my life has become.

Lily tucked her sweet stash back into its plush hiding place and hugged her silent friend close to her heart. Sighing, she said, "You're lucky, Pellie. Yours is a simple life. No surly girl pelicans snogging your beak off, running away, and leaving you to figure out what the hell happened."

Deciding that she'd wasted enough of her precious studying time, she reached over and placed Pellie back on the nightstand. In an attempt to clear her mind, she took several deep breaths and picked up her Transfiguration book. After several minutes of reading, Lily began to settle into her studying. Just as she was beginning to congratulate herself for putting her relationship woes on the backburner, a new set of woes walked into the room.

"We're a couple, a bona fide couple!" Cressida declared as she floated into the dormitory and dramatically collapsed on her bed.

"You know," Lily said, rolling her eyes as she turned the page, "after the first hundred times you said it, I wasn't completely sure the two of you were really an item, but now that you've said it yet again, I think it's finally starting to sink in."

"Okay, okay," said Cressida, toeing off her shoes and letting them fall to the floor. "I know I've said it a few times since Monday night, but after all this time, I still can't believe it."

"So, where've you two been? Searching the castle for dark, abandoned corridors?"

"Had you been a contestant on some Muggle quiz show," Cressida began, flipping over onto her stomach, "you would've just lost all your money and been forced to go home with a shiny new toaster meant to ease the blow to your ego."

"So that's a no, is it?"

"Why, yes it is!" she exclaimed, sounding very much like the host of the type of show she'd just described. Chuckling, she added, "We were studying."

Lily looked up from her book at this. "Studying? Sirius? How'd you manage that?"

"I just found a subject that interests him, and it just so happens that we share an interest in one topic in particular."

"Oh, really? What's that?"

"Human Anatomy," Cressida replied, smirking and suggestively wiggling her eyebrows up and down.

"How wonderfully crude, Cressa."

"I'm only kidding, Lily. We were in the library. I may be a bit of a tart, but an exhibitionist I am not." She propped her head on her hand thoughtfully and added, "But could you imagine the look on Pince's face if I was?"

"She'd probably spontaneously combust on the spot."

"You reckon so? Expulsion would be a small price to pay to see something that cool. I'm sure Sirius would be up for it."

"In more ways than one, I'm sure," Lily muttered, quickly ducking to avoid the pillow that Cressida threw at her in response.

"And everyone thinks you're the pristine one," she said over Lily's giggles and through her own.

Once both girls had regained their composure, there were several minutes of silence between them. Thinking that their conversation was over, Lily was about to try tackling her reading assignment once more until Cressida said, "I thought this week was going to be complete shite after... well... you know."

Lily closed her Transfiguration book and set it aside. Cressida had not spoken of her attack since reporting it to Professor Dumbledore. "That's to be expected after... everything," she replied, concern softening the volume of her voice.

"I'm not saying this week has been a piece of cake, but it hasn't been unbearable either." A small smile softened Cressida's face. "Sirius has been the best distraction for me."

"He has?"

Cressida nodded. "Yeah, he has. He was there for me Saturday, and he's been by my side ever since. I've learned so much about him this week. I mean, I always knew he was smart and funny and incredibly easy on the eyes, but I didn't know how sweet he is."

Lily snorted, but quickly disguised it as a sneeze, silently hoping Cressida didn't notice. "Sweet is not an adjective I'd use to describe Sirius Black."

Cressida gave a flippant wave of her hand, as if to swat Lily's doubt into the ether. "A week ago I wouldn't have either, but he does little things to show me how he feels. He made me feel beautiful, even when I was really bruised up. Oh, and he sent me two notes this week," she said, her excitement propelling her into an upright position. "He wrote all these really romantic things. He said he thinks about me all the time. I'm the air that he breathes, and when we're apart he feels like he's suffocating."

Lily didn't think any of that rubbish sounded like the Sirius Black she knew, but maybe he reserved that side of himself for Cressida alone. The same way a certain Slytherin seemed to reserve his lighter side for her.

Stop thinking that way, said a vicious little voice in Lily's head. It will only get you into trouble. She forced herself to fulfill her duties as a best friend and redirected her attention toward Cressida.

"...the last person to act all girly like this, right?"

"Oh, right," Lily promptly answered, though she hadn't even the smallest inkling of what Cressida had been talking about.

"I can't help it, though." She picked up her Arithmancy book and began feverishly flipping through its pages. She jumped off of her bed and took a running leap onto Lily's. "Look at what I caught myself writing in the margins while we were studying."

Lily looked down and scanned the page that Cressida had just shoved under her nose. The margins were decorated with swirling black curlicues. This didn't strike Lily as being very unusual at all, until she studied the graffiti more closely. To her astonishment, the swirls were not solid lines, but were constructed of the words S.B. and C.C. Forever over and over again.

"Cressa... erm... this is... er..."

"Pathetic, I know! I've become one of those girls I hate, the ones who constantly gush about their boyfriends and practice signing their names like they're married to the poor blokes."

"Cressa, of course you're gushing. This thing with Sirius is brand new, so it's expected. But," Lily said, taking another peek at Cressida's artwork, "please tell me you haven't been signing your name as Cressida Black."

"Page 412," she replied, wincing.

"Well, I suppose it could be worse. You could be using pet names for him, too."

"I haven't got to that point, so maybe there's hope for me yet," said Cressida as she shut the textbook with a loud snap. "I've never acted like this about a boy before, but I've never felt like this before, either. I feel like I can tell him anything, Lily. At first I was scared that all we'd ever have to talk about is Quidditch, but I've talked to him about things I've only ever told you."

"Really?" Unable to stop herself, Lily began to compare Cressida's situation with her own. I've talked to Severus about things I've only ever told Cressida. He can be so cold and unfriendly sometimes, and yet I could probably tell him anything. I feel like I could, anyway. I know he would listen to me, just like he did when I told him about Petunia's locket.

"Yeah," Cressida said, "I told him the real reason that I've never tried out for the Quidditch team is because I'm afraid of flying."

"Uh-huh." Severus is a private person, but he's shared a lot with me, too, Lily thought, absentmindedly tugging at her lip. He trusts me--probably more than he trusts anyone else here. Maybe he really does fancy me, and he just wanted me to think that he didn't like kissing me to push me away. Wouldn't be the first time...

"I even told him about my theory that riding a motorcycle is a lot like flying without leaving the ground, and he didn't laugh." At that moment, Cressida did laugh. "In fact, he said his bedroom back home is plastered with posters of motorcycles!"

"Really?" A month ago, the only thing Severus and I seemed to have in common is the fact that we're both human--and I wasn't too sure about that. But now I know there's so much more to him. We're still so different, but we have more in common than I thought we did. We've both had a bad relationship with a Muggle family member, and we both enjoy working with potions. It's not much, but it's a start.

"Yeah, more proof that we're suited, I suppose." Cressida stretched and lay back across the foot of Lily's bed. "He asked me out... sort of. He said as soon as he gets a motorcycle he's going to take me riding." Shifting to lie on her side, she looked at Lily and said, "If he's making plans for us so far into the future, that's got to mean he feels the same way about me that I feel about him, don't you think?"

"Uh-huh." It's a start, but a start to what, exactly? Dating? Lily could feel her brow furrow as she tried to imagine what it would be like to actively date Severus Snape. He'd come calling fifteen minutes early and berate me for not being ready when he arrived. He'd come bearing gifts, but not flowers or candy. No, those would be too frivolous. He would probably give me something sensible, like a book or something. Then he'd turn up his nose at whatever I was wearing. I'd have to go and change, and I would stew about it all evening, wondering why I ever decided to go out with him in the first place. As she thought out the scenario to its conclusion, Lily smiled. I'd be angry until he said or did something so... right it would be impossible to stay angry at him.

"Then Sirius suggested that we ride in the nude," Cressida said and sighed in an overly dramatic fashion. "Riding a motorcycle completely starkers sounds fun. And breezy."

"His unmentionables so close to all that machinery?" Lily asked, satisfied when she saw her best friend sit bolt upright. "Sounds a bit dangerous to me."

"I didn't think you were listening," Cressida said, narrowing her eyes.

"That, my dear," Lily said, wagging an admonishing finger in Cressa's direction, "is what you get for thinking. I heard every word."

"Well, that's the last time you get to talk about my boyfriend's dangly bits."

"Don't worry," Lily replied with a fake shudder, "I have no intention of mentioning said bits again."

"Good," Cressida said, pouting. "You really can't blame me for thinking that you weren't listening to me. You've been giving me your standard Lily-Isn't-Listening responses."

"Really?"

"Uh-huh."

Lily rubbed her knuckles across her eyes like a toddler who had not yet developed the vocabulary needed to express her weariness. "Sorry about that."

"I've actually been hearing them a lot lately." Lily opened her eyes to see her friend studying her with intensity. "Are you finally ready to tell me what's been eating at you all week?"

"It's nothing, Cressa."

"Don't give me that," Cressida spat in annoyance. "I know you. Whatever it is, you've kept it to yourself because of me--because you didn't want to burden me with it." She drew in a deep breath and exhaled it before continuing in a much calmer tone of voice. "We'll shelve the discussion about your loony logic for another day. Right now, you're finally going to talk to me about whatever it is that's had you in a funk for nearly a week."

"Severus Snape kissed me Monday evening."

Without warning, Cressida began hitting her ear as if she was trying to dislodge something. "Okay, say that again because it sounded like you said--"

"Severus Snape kissed me Monday evening," Lily repeated.

"At which point you slapped the taste out of his mouth, right?"

"Not quite..."

Cressida's eyes widened so much that Lily was convinced she'd been an owl in her past life. "You kissed him back? What the bloody hell is wrong with you?" She jumped up from Lily's bed, withdrew a pair of chopsticks from her nightstand, and began pacing back and forth. As she began distractedly piling her hair on the top of her head, Cressida asked, "What about the Golden Rule of Dating? You know, the one about our lips never touching Slytherin swine?"

Lily sat there on her bed, marveling as she witnessed Cressida take overreaction to new heights. "Last time I checked, that was your Golden Rule of Dating, not mine."

"Okay, so you didn't completely rule out Slytherins, but of all the Slytherins you could have kissed, Severus Snape should not have been at the top of the list."

"Why?"

Apparently, this question was too much for Cressida to bear, for her pacing came to an abrupt halt. "Where should I start? How about the fact that he gets his style tips from the undead--"

"Cressida, how can you be so shallow--"

"--or the fact that he's best friends with a sick bastard like Evan Rosier?"

"Evan is not his best friend!"

"No, he just condones his disgusting behavior by hanging out with him, that's all."

"Cressa, why are you acting like this? What's Severus ever done to you?" As soon as those words left Lily's mouth, she realized why Cressida was reacting so strongly. "My God, you believe Sirius, don't you? You think Severus helped Evan to..."

Cressida blew out a frustrated breath. "I don't know what I believe anymore, Lily. The way Sirius talks about him, you'd think Snape attacked me himself. He's convinced that Snape helped Evan to set me up." She sat on her trunk to face Lily. "But then I see you. You come back from your study sessions with him unscathed and... happy. There's no way you'd be hanging out with him if you thought he had anything to do with it."

"Of course I wouldn't!"

Cressida folded her arms across her chest, and a silence descended upon the two of them. It seemed as though their disagreement was over, and Lily was relieved. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, I suppose, she thought. She watched as Cressida began nibbling on a thumbnail and rocking back and forth. Lily could see that there was something else on her friend's mind and began to despair that maybe their argument wasn't over after all.

After several minutes, Cressida spoke around her thumb and managed to ask, "So... what was it like?"

"What was what like?"

"The kiss, stupid!" Cressida tucked her hands in her lap in such a way that it gave Lily the impression she was ashamed to be asking that question about Severus. "Was he--was he any good?"

"After the fuss you just made, why would you want to know?" Lily asked.

"You know that little thing that killed the cat? Well," Cressida said as a sheepish grin began to spread across her face, "it's killing me, too. Spill."

Grateful that they weren't about to argue again, Lily scooted herself toward the foot of her bed, resting her feet on her trunk. "At first, it was... light and gentle... like he was giving me a chance to step away if I wanted to."

"But you didn't."

Lily simply shook her head, feeling her cheeks warm as she remembered how the kiss had progressed. She looked down at her own palms as she remembered his hands. "He started to run his fingers through my hair. It..." Lily looked up from her hands and rolled her eyes, feeling ridiculously silly. "It felt really good."

Cressida, whose elbows were propped on her lap, dropped her chin into her hands and said, "Yeah, I love it when they do that. Go on."

"Things got a lot more intense after that," Lily said. "I remember thinking about what I was doing and who I was doing it with, but after a while I couldn't really think at all. I didn't want to think, though. I just wanted to feel--ugh! I'm not making any sense."

"Oh, you're making perfect sense," Cressida said. "Snape snogged your face off. Who knew the greasy git had it in him?"

Lily decided to ignore the dig at Severus. "Well, I think I may have enjoyed it more than he did."

"Why do you say that?"

"After a while, he pushed me away and... ran off." Lily looked down at her hands again, embarrassed by her disclosure.

"Well, he's a freak. What'd you expect?"

Lily's head snapped up. "Cressida...," she warned.

"I'm sorry." Cressida held up her hands by way of apology. "I'll try to keep my insults to myself."

"Anyway," Lily continued, "I asked him about it yesterday, and he said kissing me was a mistake. It was an impulsive mistake brought on by hormones."

Cressida looked as though Lily had just told her the moon was made of tasty green cheese. "That's the biggest crock I've ever heard."

"So you think he's lying, too?"

"Most definitely," Cressida said. "From the sound of it, there was much more to that kiss than hormones. He fancies you. For whatever reason, he's decided not to admit it to you. Instead, he thought it'd be a better idea to say nothing and let you think there was something you did to drive him away."

She leaned back against the foot of her bed and began to casually study her nails. "How chivalrous," she sneered. "I'm liking him less and less, Lily."

Lily was unimpressed by Cressida's attitude where Severus was concerned. She knew Cressida didn't understand him, so she tried to be patient as she defended her new friend to her best friend.

"That's not what he did," she said. "Well, not on purpose, anyway. He's just so used to pushing people away. It's how he protects himself."

"From what?"

"I don't know," Lily said. "Rejection, I suppose."

Cressida snorted just as Lily had done earlier. However, she didn't bother to mask her disdain as Lily had. "I've a feeling that he'll be dealing with a lot of that, especially where you're concerned, won't he?"

"I don't think I'm following you," Lily lied. She knew exactly where Cressida was heading, but she wanted to hear her say it. "How do you mean?"

"Well, it sounds like he's the bees knees when it comes to kissing, but he's got to know that it's never going to happen again. Not with you, anyway."

"Why not?"

Cressida stared at her for an infuriatingly long minute before she answered, "You don't fancy him, do you, Lily?"

Lily had spent so much time wondering about his feelings for her that she hadn't really explored the possibility that she had more than friendly feelings for Severus. "I don't know," she answered honestly.

"Fine. I'll answer the question for you." Cressida leaned forward and looked directly into Lily's eyes. "You don't," she said. "You can't."

The little voice in the back of Lily's head that had been telling her Cressida meant well was snuffed out by her rising anger. "Why can't I?"

"Because he's... Snape! He's cold. He's unfriendly. He's... a Slytherin!" Cressida exclaimed, the final word oozing from her mouth like putrescent slime.

"So?"

"So?" Cressida jumped from her trunk in a visible display of what she obviously thought was an incredulous statement and stood over Lily. "His entire house hates people like you, Lily. Hell, he hates people like you, or have you forgotten about what he said to you last June?"

Lily let out a short yelp of frustration, punctuating it by stamping her feet on her own trunk. "I am so SICK of everyone bringing that up! He apologized for that. You were there when he did it!"

"He could be fooling you, you know. This whole little friendship could be a big act. He lied to you about the kiss. He could have been lying when he apologized."

"No," Lily said, shaking her head. "I trust him, Cressida."

"But why?"

With her energy waning, Lily sighed and pressed the palms of her hands to her eyes. "I have my reasons."

"Which are?"

"I can't tell you."

"You mean you won't tell me." Cressida chuckled; the act was devoid of mirth and filled with resentment. "He's got you keeping secrets from me. From me, Lily!"

The bitter laughter stung Lily's heart. For a moment, her resolve nearly broke, and she thought about telling Cressida everything. Then she remembered how many times she had told Severus he could trust her and the look on his face when he thought he couldn't.

"I don't want to argue about this, Cressida!" Lily closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to hold on to the last scintilla of patience she possessed. "Maybe we should change the subject."

"Fine." Cressida stepped back, moving toward the corner of her bed. She leaned against the bedpost and folded her arms across her chest like a petulant child. "You and Snape can keep your little secrets."

Lily squeezed her eyes shut as she said, "It's not like that! He trusted me enough to share something private with me, and I promised I wouldn't tell anyone. Surely you can understand that?"

"I understand that you're trading in the best friend who loves you like a sister for a loser like Severus Snape."

Weary of Cressida's attempts at martyrdom, the last of Lily's patience finally broke. "That's not what I'm doing and you know it!" She bounded from her bed and stood face to face with Cressida. "Why are you being such a bitch about this?"

"You know," Cressida said, slowly unfolding her arms, "that's the second time in a little over a week that a so-called friend has called me a bitch. I don't appreciate it."

"Well, stop acting like one!"

Cressida pointed at the door of their room and asked, "How do you think people are going to react when they find out that Snape's your guy, Lily? You're all but guaranteed to be Head Girl next year. Do you really think anyone will take you seriously if you're with him?"

"He's not my guy, and even if he was, I don't care what people think. If I did, I'd have dropped you as a friend ages ago!" The words were out of her mouth before she realized what had happened.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Lily considered her friend for a moment. "Cressa," she said, her calm voice masking the rage within, "I think we both know you've given more rides than the Cleansweep Broom Company, don't we?"

Cressida stumbled back, her actions mimicking those of one who had just been slapped across the face. Lily clamped her hand over her mouth, but the damage was done. She looked into her best friend's eyes--eyes that were once again stretched to rival an owl's--and saw them begin to blink rapidly in a futile attempt to stave off tears. Lily knew at once that the tears would fall whether Cressida wanted them to or not. She had just severely wounded her friend's soul.

Tears are to a soul as blood is to flesh, Lily thought, the analogy echoing loudly in her head. Her venomous words seemed to pulsate throughout her system, sickening her with their poison.

"Cressida," she said, her words carving through the tense silence between them, "I didn't mean--"

"I didn't," Cressida began in a voice so small it reminded Lily of a puppy that had endured abuse from its master, "realize I was making things so difficult for you all these years, Lily."

"But I didn't mean it! I swear I didn't, Cressa! I'm so sor--"

"Save it." Cressida drew in a deep breath, and when she spoke again, her voice was stronger. "Don't apologize. After all, it's true, isn't it?" she said with frosty resolve.

Lily shook her head so hard it felt like her brain was bouncing around inside it. "No, it's not true! I only said it because--because--"

"You were angry, and you wanted to hurt me?" The words tumbled from Cressida's lips, and her soul began to bleed right before Lily's eyes. Angrily scrubbing the back of her hand across her face to wipe away the tears, she said, "I guess I was wrong. You and Snape are a match made in heaven."

Lily had to make Cressida understand; she had to repair the damage somehow. "Please, just listen to me, okay? I only meant--"

"You made yourself crystal clear," Cressida said. "Don't worry. I won't be a burden to you anymore."

The chill in her voice seemed to drop the temperature in the room; Lily could feel goose bumps popping up on her arms. She had heard Cressida use this cold, distant voice on others, but she had never used it on her. A familiar feeling of dread began to creep into Lily's heart; the same dread she had felt the day she received that letter from Petunia.

This can't be happening, Lily thought, feeling her own tears fight to free themselves. Not again!

"Move out of my way, Lily," Cressida murmured.

"No, Cressa, please listen to me!"

"I warned you to move." Cressida pulled her wand from the pocket of her jeans and pointed it in Lily's direction. For a moment, disbelief and terror rendered Lily immobile, unable to reach for her wand in order to defend herself against whatever curse Cressida had in store for her. However, she felt a momentary rush of relief overtake her as Cressida bellowed, "Accio textbook!"

As she ducked to make way for Cressida's Arithmancy book, Lily's evanescent reprieve ended as soon as it began. I actually thought Cressida was going to curse me, she thought, her mounting despair causing her to slump down onto her trunk. What have I done?

Lily hugged herself and watched as Cressida shoved her book inside her bag. When she reached into her trunk for a spare blanket, Lily whispered, "Where are you going?" Cressida ignored her, and as she grabbed a pillow from her bed, Lily knew the answer to her question. "You're sleeping in the common room?"

She doesn't even want to be in the same room with me? The two girls had argued many times in the past, but never had one angered the other to such a degree that her presence could not be tolerated. This realization caused the invisible dam holding back Lily's tears to finally collapse.

Once again, Cressida stood over her, looking down her nose at Lily with all the imperiousness of an ancient Greek goddess staring at insignificant mortals from her throne atop Mount Olympus. Loose, brown tendrils that had escaped from Cressida's bun seemed to be floating eerily on a nonexistent breeze. Perhaps the hair was being carried by her anger, which seemed to become more tangible the longer she stood there. Lily could feel herself shrinking away from the glare, giving what she could only assume was the desired effect.

"I've never cared at all about what these tossers think of me," Cressida said in a voice so calm, so quiet, she could have been discussing the weather. "It didn't matter because I always knew that my best friend knew the real me, and she loved me, faults and all.

"I could be s-strong," she continued. "I could hold my head up high knowing that. But it was all a lie. After all these years, I find out that she thinks I'm nothing more than the school slag--just like everybody else does."

Lily grabbed Cressida's hand, giving it a hard squeeze as she pleaded, "Please don't be this way! It wasn't a lie, Cressa. I said something incredibly stupid, but I promise I didn't mean a word of it." She stared into hard, brown eyes and whispered, "You're my sister--in every way that counts. Please don't be this way."

Cressida snatched her hand out of Lily's grasp in response. She hitched her book bag onto her shoulder and tucked her blanket and pillow under her arm as she made her way to the door. Casting one last glance in Lily's direction, she sneered, "I hope that the thrill of forbidden lust is worth the price of nearly six years' friendship. I really do."

Lily sat there on her trunk, long after the sound of the door's slam had reverberated through the room. She couldn't move; the finality of Cressida's parting words continued to echo in her head.

"Why did I say that to her?" she asked the empty room, wiping the tears that had been falling continuously since Cressida's departure. She looked at the slightly rumpled bed before her, and the sight made Lily shudder. With no best friend to talk to, she'd have to answer her own questions tonight. As she tried to make sense out of the senselessness which had just occurred, Lily mentally retraced her steps, trying to recall what she had been feeling.

I was angry--furious that after telling her a million times to mind her business, she still had the nerve to try and tell me who I should and should not be interested in. Yes, Lily had been angry. The fury that she had tried to keep suppressed had finally taken over, and, for an instant, she'd wanted Cressida to suffer just as much as she had.

And I knew exactly what to say. I knew exactly what would hurt her the most, didn't I? she thought with disgust. She had assessed her adversary's weakness, and she struck without any regard for her feelings. In other words, she had been cold and calculating, much like... a Slytherin. As she climbed into bed fully clothed and drew the bed curtains closed, she knew just how Cressida had felt moments ago--Lily was repulsed by what she had done; she didn't want to be around herself either.

Uneasy about the conclusions drawn, Lily flipped onto her back, her tears now flowing into her hair. Maybe Sirius was right, she thought. Maybe Sev is a bad influence. Or maybe Cressida is the one who has it figured out--I only like Severus because I'm not supposed to. Because I'm getting some sort of thrill out of hanging out with the wrong boy. Weary and confused, she grabbed another pillow and covered her head with it, wishing she could just smother herself and end the suffering.

No, she thought, lifting the pillow off her face. It's more than that, we've shared too much. Our friendship is real. Yet she couldn't help remembering what Cressida said about being fooled. I believe it's real. After all this, it has to be.

With only her guilt and befuddlement to keep her company, Lily yearned for comfort. She reached for Pellie and hugged him tight, catching faint whiffs of home each time she inhaled. As she drifted off into an anxious, tearful sleep, one thought kept recurring.

Why did I do it? Why the hell did I do it?

Author's Notes: As I was reading back over previous chapters, I realized that there may be some confusion with the name of Cressida's older brother. His full name is Christopher Thaddeus Corwin. In Chapter 3, Lily refers to him as Christopher, but his family's nickname for him is Thad, which is what Cressida calls him in Chapter 14.

I know that the updates this year have been few and far between. I really am sorry about that, but real life often gets in the way. Unfortunately (or fortunately; depends on how you look at it) the next update will be a bit delayed as well. I'm participating in NaNoWriMo this year! I hope I can get another chapter uploaded before 2007 ends, but don't be surprised if it doesn't happen. For updates on my writing (fanfiction and original) or to read my random thoughts, visit http://yemeron.livejournal.com. The story will continue!